


Stigmatic

by 217



Series: Stigmatic [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (Comics)
Genre: Alice isn't taking Negan's mouth, Blow Jobs, Comic Spoilers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Negan (Walking Dead) Being an Asshole, Negan being submissive to Alice, Oral Sex, POV Negan (Walking Dead), Polygamy, Slow Burn, Smut, Submission, This story is based off the comic, Threesome - F/F/M, Vaginal Sex, Violence, comic negan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-08 08:26:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 42
Words: 335,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6847030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/217/pseuds/217
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't even think about my life before. The way I see it, things are better now. We are the new world order. We are the Saviors. Negan / OC</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N First and foremost, thank you for entertaining this fic. This is my first one so hopefully it doesn't waste anyone's time.**

**Before we begin, there are spoilers from the comic book as well as a couple direct scenes from it. I have taken writer liberties while trying to stay as true as I could. With that being said, there are parts that I've switched up including a death and a twist so a bit A/U I suppose? It will start several months before issue 100.**

**Now, the warnings. Pretty much everything you'd expect in the comics from character death to violence to disturbing content. It's a Negan fic so it goes without saying there's swearing. I deal with a lot of sensitive subjects such as self-harm, rape, and suicide. There's also some pretty explicit sex with Negan and his wives, then some scenes with him and Lucille.**

**Finally, this is from Negan's point of view, which frankly I'm intimidated to even attempt to write dialogue for him, let alone a look into his own personal thoughts, but he's my favorite comic book character and I couldn't help myself.**

**I don't own these characters other than my own.**

**(One quick note. A line break will signify a day or few days have passed. Three dots will signify a few hours have passed.)**

**Edit: 10/3/16 Something uncomfortable I'd like to address. My story is NOT canon! Because, at the time when I wrote this, there was no canon. Everything had to be thought up, and even at this point in the comic, there are still a lot of unanswered questions about Negan and the Saviors. Negan making people sleep outside until they earn enough points, the point system I've devised, the Saviors jobs, Negan and Lucille's backstory, Sherry's illness, the Syndicate; these are my ideas. Negan's mannerisms like him not kissing his wives, or liking to be touched is actually because I don't like it, and I use Negan to help cope through certain issues of mine. **Since these mannerisms are so personal to me, it pains me to see them used in other people's works.** **The name "the parlor" is probably the one that pisses me off the most. Why is this even used in other stories?** **Please be respectful of my work, and if you'd like to use a certain element that you aren't sure is canon, I'd be most grateful if you asked me first.****

* * *

 

Silence is maddening as fuck nowadays. There isn't even a breeze to rustle the tree limbs. My eye's trail every inch of Lucille. She should have been filthy by now. I don't know which one of us it disappoints more.

"Got another one." Connor hurries up ahead and rolls the undead over. "No casings on the ground or bullet entries. See the eye socket? It's definitely a knife that's killing them. They've all been like this the last mile," he informs us as he stands up. He smacks his hands together trying to rid the blood and grime, but all it does is agitate me further. We should have been picking through that warehouse two hours ago. Instead, we're chasing after what might as well be a goddamn ghost.

Mark's eyes widen, looking over his shoulder at me. "What if it's a big group?"

Connor chuckles as he leans over, slapping his hands to his knees. "What a pussy." He then proceeds to mock him.

Mark frowns like being picked on isn't a normal occurrence. "I'm serious! I have a bad feeling."

Dwight lowers his crossbow. "How many do you think there are?"

Mark repeats the same thing to me.

I grab myself in the most obnoxious way possible. "Let's just ask my crystal motherfucking balls."

Dwight looks away from me, shaking his head.

"Everyone needs to calm their tits. Look at these tracks," I point, kneeling down as they crowd around me. "Same fucking set a mile back, same fucking set here, same fucking set a mile ahead." I look up at blank faces. "It's a set of footprints." I sigh and rub my forehead when they're even more confused. "It's one motherfucker!"

"I was gonna say that," Mark stammers.

I stand up, towering over him. "Oh you were, were you?"

He nods, swallowing hard.

"Well shit, I didn't know my hand was up your ass making your mouth move."

A gun shot comes from the west.

I glare at Connor. "No casings, huh?"

Connor shifts his eyes side to side. "Maybe it was a revolver, they keep the casings in the-"

"Find this ignorant fuck using a gun on undead before he draws any more attention," I order them.

...

"Could you possibly be any fucking louder?" I snap at Mark.

"I need water-"

I put my hand over his mouth, narrowing my eyes as another gun shot is fired. "Everyone stay here." At first, I thought I was going the wrong direction until I hear three more shots. Turns out, these gun shots we've been hearing, it's between people. Actually, it's a group of men trying to kill a cop.

"Do we help her?"

"No," I callously reply.

"She's going to die."

"Connor, shut the fuck up, I don't need a narrator! Have Dwight lead the others and see if that warehouse is worth scavenging. If it is, we'll go tomorrow."

"Can't we just get it tomorrow? I want to see this!"

I raise Lucille up, patting her to my shoulder.

"Fuck, alright," he mutters, "let's go. Dwight, you're in charge."

I wait until they've left and take a few steps closer. I usually don't interfere with others, however, I'm rather intrigued by this cop.

She's killed two of the three men, while sustaining a gunshot to her right leg. Even though she can't walk on it, she's not giving up.

That's not what interests me because if you're still around these days, there's usually a reason why. It's the fact there isn't a single emotion on her face while she's killing these men. Like a robot or some shit. Now me? Christ, this kind of stuff gets my dick hard. My lip curls upward when she gouges one of his eyes out with her thumb.

He cups his face, screaming. "You fucking bitch!"

She's tackled to the ground and the man starts to strangle her.

I roll my eyes. Typical, just fucking typical this is how it will end. I could save her if I wanted to, but I'm not. However, I'm just not satisfied watching it end like this. I run my hand up Lucille until I touch barbed wire. She's just as thirsty for more as I am. Lucille doesn't like to be on the ground and normally I would never disrespect her like this, but this is a rare fucking circumstance. "A little girl on girl," I growl, tossing Lucille beside the brunette.

The guy eases his grip and looks up in the direction where Lucille came from, then is smacked in the face by Lucille.

"Yeah," I moan, running my gloved hand across my mouth. Just like I hoped for, the girl doesn't stop with one hit.

Even when there is nothing left but chunks of skull and brain, she keeps going.

I haven't had gratification like this in a while.

The girl stills Lucille and hunches over.

Now, this, is very fucking pleasing to the eye.

It's as if the brunette already knows her place, on her knees, even treating Lucille like a lady as she lays her over her lap.

Though I thought for sure she'd fuck everything up by crying, but she doesn't.

She reaches for the gun by the man closest to her. Without a moment's hesitation, she sticks the barrel of the gun in her mouth.

"Whoa," I say, stepping towards her, "wait a fucking minute."

She removes the gun and looks up at me like she'll say something, but doesn't, and gestures Lucille out for me to take.

I lean over and grab the gun instead. I empty the chamber into my hand. There's only one round left. I discard the casings and put the round back inside, then spin the chamber, letting it come to a complete stop before I close it. "Ladies first," I say, handing it back.

The girl sticks it in her mouth and squeezes the trigger.

Nothing happens, which I expected. See, that's the advantage to Russian roulette when the chamber is empty. The weight of the round forces it towards the bottom. Or maybe that's a bunch of bullshit I was fed. Either way, I just wanted to know if she had the fucking balls to pull the trigger.

She takes it from her mouth and sighs.

I like that she's a little twisted.

She holds the gun up to me.

Fuck it, why not? I snatch it out of her hand and press the tip to my temple. "Guess it just ain't our time," I smirk after nothing happens, "or did you want to keep going?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

She shakes her head no and stretches her fingers out for her bag.

I pocket the gun and get her bag, then pick up Lucille. "You by yourself?"

The girl nods, trying to stand up, but falls back down and lets out a painful whine.

"Close your eyes."

She looks up at me concerned when I take my bandana out of my pocket.

"You want me to leave you here to bleed out, fine, but if you want to come back with me, I'm blindfolding you. We don't fucking know each other and I won't risk my men's lives by leading you right to our fucking front door." She agrees and I tie the bandana. I grab her bicep, helping her up. "Hold Lucille." I probably should have just carried her because she's a foot and a half shorter than I am and it's more trouble this way, though she never once asks to take a break and she keeps the same steady pace so it doesn't take us long to make it back. "Keep your eyes fucking closed," I instruct her, taking the bandana from her face, "and act like you're unconscious, until I say otherwise." She nods her head and I pick her up. She lays Lucille across her and I carry them to the factory, or as others like to call it, Sanctuary. Curious eyes look my way when I step inside the factory, followed by the usual chants and groveling that I've returned. "Carson," I call.

"What's with the cop?" he asks out of breath from his short jog to me.

"I don't know. Unlike you, she keeps her mouth shut. Find me a Doctor and catalog this gun," I grunt, giving him the gun and leaving the cafeteria. I go across the walkway, into the infirmary and set her down on the table. "You can open your eyes now," I say, getting Lucille back from her.

She opens her eyes as they adjust to the room which means she kept them closed exactly like I instructed.

"We can remove the bullet and sew up your wound, but that's it. The medication is for my men."

She nods.

"This ain't no fucking charity clinic, so don't be letting people know you're getting free handouts or we're revisiting our little game of Russian roulette. Now, act unconscious again."

* * *

 

I clutch Lucille tighter, leaning my head back against the chair. "Don't fucking stop this time," I grunt at one of my wives, gritting my teeth. The red head starts to respond, but I grab the back of her head and push her farther down on my dick. I didn't realize there was such a thing as bad head. "Amber," I call.

"Yes?" she asks, walking over to me.

I lean over and take a hold of her wrist, pulling her to her knees. "It ain't gonna suck itself," I smirk. My eyes shift over to one of the lounges next to me when I see movement. I let that cop sleep there last night.

She's rolled over on her back.

I purposely try to make some obnoxious moans so she'll wake up. She doesn't and I'm becoming bored. These two aren't even trying. I circle my thumb around the handle on Lucille, closing my eyes. My thoughts quickly become polluted with perversion. Well, more than usual. I slide my hand down Lucille, feeling every imperfection on her as wood splinters my hand. Then, my favorite part. Barbed wire splits open the palm of my hand. I love it when she marks me. I dig my fingers into her and let out a deep moan. "Fuck," I grunt, opening my eyes. I look down at the two of them, disgusted. "You two are as useless as tits on a nun. Rachel, come clean me up!"

Rachel puts down her playing cards and eagerly does as she's told.

"You both could learn a fucking thing or two from her," I sneer, grabbing the waist of my pants and Lucille, going into the bathroom. After I button my pants, I dig in my pocket for my bandana and press it to my hand. Damn, I might need stitches for this one.

Sherry walks in and quietly closes the door. "That one's pretty bad," she comments, taking my hand and cleaning it for me. "You should change Lucille's barbed wire soon. She's starting to rust again."

"I don't want to talk about Lucille right now. Where in the fuck did you find that fire crotch?" I bark, displeased.

"Her name is Trixie and I didn't exactly put up flyers for number six."

"You'd think with a name like that, she could suck some dick. I've given her three fucking weeks and she ain't working out, get rid of her. The last thing I want is another Amber."

Sherry lets out a deep sigh. "Trixie will be gone when you get back."

I figured Sherry would like the idea that I'm getting rid of a wife, but I can tell by the look on her face and that irritated sigh she gave me, she ain't too happy that cop might replace Trixie. "Just fucking say it already, Sherry," I groan. We are about to have the same conversation that we always do when I bring a new girl into the parlor. Fuck only knows if she's already tried to dissuade her. I knew I should have left her in the infirmary or back in the woods.

"Don't you think she's a little young?"

"She ain't that much younger than you."

"She can't be any more than 20."

I look at Sherry unamused.

"I'll help her pick out something to wear for you," Sherry frowns.

"She's not a wife. Well, I haven't given her that option yet."

"I don't think that you should."

My laugh fills the bathroom. "You say that every fucking time I bring someone home. She'll get used to it or she'll work for points if she plans on staying."

"She cried most of the night. Whenever I'd get up to check on her, she'd just act like she was asleep."

"Some people ain't cut out for this world," I coldly respond.

Several minutes later, the bleeding finally stops.

Sherry ties the fabric around my hand.

"Moving kind of slow today," I point out.

"Just a bad day."

"Turn around." When she does, I rub her neck and shoulders. No one, except for me knows this, but Sherry has Fibromyalgia. She was diagnosed with it right before the outbreak. In fact, she was getting the results the day everything went to shit. The good thing is that it's not life threatening, but she's in constant pain. "You need to start sleeping at night, not this two and three hours here and there bullshit."

She frowns. "I know."

I pull my keys from my pocket and set them on the counter. "I realize it doesn't do much, but there's a few pills left. Go get them before Carson wakes up," I instruct her. "I'll bring you more when we can scavenge some."

She turns around and brings her hand up to my cheek, rubbing it.

My face grimaces at her soft touch. I pull her hand from my cheek and leave the bathroom with Lucille before she says anything.

That cop has rolled over, facing the door.

I forgot I told her to act unconscious. I look down, displeased by her uniform. The patch on her arm says 'Ashland Police'. The only law here is me, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't let her rough me up a bit. After all, I never fucked a cop before. I hope she still has the handcuff key. "If you're waiting for me to bring you donuts, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment."

She sits up, grabbing her bag.

"Can you walk?"

She nods.

I suppose she'll want to clean up some. "The bathroom is over there. I ain't got all fucking day to wait around now." It actually doesn't take her long before she's back at my feet. Just when I think she can't cover up any more, I'm wrong. Instead of that short sleeved pale colored gray department issued shirt, now she put on a long sleeved one, tucked in her black pants. Perhaps even more frustrating is the tactical vest she wears. Just another reminder that says, no entry. I'm sure she's in pain because she's limping on her leg, but if she's going to try and act tough, I'm putting her to work. "Leave your shit here and follow me."

She has a rather blank look on her face as we start to walk.

"You, uh, hear all that?"

The girl nods her head and looks down.

"You could have watched, I wouldn't have minded," I smirk, "or joined in. You can always join in."

She keeps the same blank look on her face.

Well, I guess I'm not making her a wife any time soon. "Here, take this," I say, losing my smirk and handing her an axe.

...

"Mark, don't open that door. This area hasn't been cleared," Dwight says.

"Shit," Mark yells. An undead comes out, grabbing him. "Get this bitch off me," he screams.

The undead is hit in the eye socket with a knife.

We look back at where the knife was thrown from.

"Well I'll be fucked," I grunt, looking that cop up and down. Now we know who killed all those undead yesterday.

She goes over to the undead and pulls the knife from its skull. After flinging the blood from it, she slides the knife into her vest, then turns around and looks up at me. "I'm better with knives," she finally speaks and nonchalantly shrugs.

Tara's eyes widen as she sticks out her hand. "I'm Tara."

The girl looks at Tara and then her out stuck hand. "Alice," she tells her, shaking Tara's hand.

"You're going to fit right in," she smiles at Alice. "We'll get the flank," Tara says, taking Alice as they disappear around the corner.

Connor looks at me, putting his fingers to each side of the corner of his lips. He sticks his tongue out, moving it up and down.

I guess so. "Hurry up, at this rate, we'll be lucky to pick this place clean by dark," I snap.

...

"What is wrong with you today?" Dwight asks.

"Nothing," I murmur, getting off the truck. "Catalog everything, distribute the points, except for Mark. Dumb motherfucker almost got killed," I tell Carson, starting for my room. Right when I open the door to the parlor, I hear someone behind me. I turn around to see Alice looking up at me. She's probably expecting me to let her stay here again. "Look, things were different your first night here. You're on your own now," I say, putting my hand against the door frame. "Unless you want to join us?"

Her eyes sink as she lowers her head.

"Your loss," I scoff, slamming the door in her face.

* * *

 

I close the parlor door and start for the stairs when something catches my eye. "You slept there all fucking night?" I ask Alice who's curled up in the corner.

She nods, sitting up.

"The fuck for?"

"You have my things. I was unsure of where to go."

"Well, you could have fucking asked," I mutter, going back into the parlor and grabbing her bag. "Here." I shove the bag into her. I guess I could have been a little more civil to her, but I wasn't happy about being told no last night. "Move your ass," I demand, taking her outside the factory.

Tara is sitting on one of the tables smoking.

"Tara, show her around. She doesn't have any points so she'll sleep outside, unless, last chance," I grin.

Alice shakes her head no and takes a step away from me, almost tripping.

I narrow my eyes. "Have you had anything to eat since you've been here?" I ask, noticing how pale she is.

"No."

I turn my attention to Tara. "Let her pick out a few snacks in the Cafeteria."

"Thank you," Alice says, her sapphire eyes looking up at me.

"Well, I didn't do it out of the kindness of my fucking heart," I jeer, walking off. I go around the corner and stop when I hear Tara's voice.

"I could get in a lot of trouble, but if you want, you can sleep in my room. Just don't say anything to anyone. Otherwise, you have to sleep outside until you get enough points for a room. It's just our way of protecting ourselves and making sure you're really serious about being here," Tara says.

"Thank you, but I will follow the rules so you are not questioned."

"My advice, take Negan up on his offer. It might not be the ideal life style, but he takes care of his wives."

I wait for Alice to say something, but she doesn't, and when I look around the corner, they're gone. What a shit load of fuck. What's so bad about me?

...

"Sir, you wanted to see us?" Connor asks.

John walks in the room behind Connor, followed by Tara.

I fold my arms across my chest. "John, I need you permanently stationed at the outpost by Hilltop and don't fuck this up. I want to know why my fucking supplies have been shit. Make sure they are sending people out on runs."

"Yes, Sir."

"Don't just stand there holding your dick, get the fuck out!"

He hurries out of the room.

"Connor, scout for someplace like Hilltop. A few weeks and then I need you back here, unless you find something sooner."

"Good. I don't get any pussy out there."

I let out a loud laugh. "Well, you're not getting any for a while."

"Eh, I just got some."

"Who was it?"

"A gentlemen never fucks and tells."

I unfold my arms and jab my finger to his chest. "I ain't fucking around. Who was it?"

"Jesus, calm down." He shoves my hand away. "One of the blondes in the kitchen. Since when do you care who we fuck?" he mutters, leaving the room.

"I don't care," I murmur as if he can hear me.

Tara clears her throat.

Oh, shit, I forgot she was here. I'm not really sure what I want to do with Tara. I thought about sending her with John to the outpost. She's been rather unstable the last few months, but I really need her here because of Alice. "Tara, you'll switch out with Connor. For now," I decide.

"Yes, Sir."

"Did you take care of Alice?"

"She's settled."

"Good, what side?"

"The east side."

"Think she'll sneak off in the middle of the night?"

"No, I just think she's having a hard time adjusting. We all did, but she's an amazing scavenger. All the supplies she and I found was thanks to her."

"You didn't tell me that." Now I feel guilty for not letting her eat any real food. "She request anything? Cigarettes? Alcohol?"

"She likes books."

I roll my eyes. "Of  **course**  she does."

"She said she was reading 'House of Leaves', but part of her copy was damaged."

This actually works in my favor because the parlor is filled with books thanks to Sherry. "Keep an eye on her if you would."

"An eye on her? She won't cause trouble."

"I ain't worried the book police is going to start shit. A woman that good looking, sleeping by herself, does worry me."

"The rules are pretty clear about that kind of thing."

"Just fucking do what I say, Tara!"

"Yes, Sir."

* * *

 

"Dwight, Mark, Tara, take that house over there," I point, "Alice, come with me."

Alice looks at Tara wide eyed like  **I'm**  going to do something awful to her.

"Now," I bark at Alice. I want to see what her strengths and weaknesses are, unlike what she seems to think.

...

Alice hasn't said one word all day.

I've never been so bored in my fucking life. I watch her chuck another knife at an undead a couple yards ahead. Her precision is rather impressive. It's a good thing because she sure as shit isn't able to take them one on one. Her knives must be specifically made to be thrown because they don't look like a typical one would. She also seems to have two different types of them that she rotates between. I lick my lips watching her bend over to retrieve it from an undead. "You know, if you wanted to fuck one of my wives instead of me, I'd be okay with that."

"I don't want to have intercourse with anyone."

"We don't have to fuck, I'm fine with some foreplay."

"No."

"You don't ever get horny?"

"No."

"Bullshit. Fuck, I'm hard just thinking about that last undead you killed."

Alice kicks the back of my knee and I lose my footing, falling over.

"What the fuc-"

She presses her knife against my dick. "If you don't stop making me uncomfortable, you'll get your foreplay alright," she hisses.

Damn, she's wound as tight as the braid in her hair. "Woman, you're out of your fucking mind to threaten me!"

"Did that cross yours before or after we played Russian roulette?"

I give her a shit eater grin. "Keep talking like that, because I'm about to impale myself."

She pulls the knife away and slides it in her vest.

I sit up, rubbing myself just for the reassurance as I watch her take off. "You didn't frisk me for weapons!" I don't even get a reaction from her. I let out a sigh and pick myself up.

...

"Here, Negan," Amber says, giving me my plate of food.

"Well it's about fucking time. I only sent you down there thirty five minutes ago. Next time I'll get it my-fucking-self."

Amber puts her hand up to her mouth and dry heaves.

"What the fuck!? Get out of here!"

She hauls ass into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

"Who are you yelling at?" Sherry asks when she comes into the parlor.

I point at the bathroom.

Sherry opens the door and closes it just as fast when she hears Amber puking.

Watching or hearing someone puke just reminds me of my father being too drunk and not able to hold his fucking liquor. "There goes my appetite. Thanks a fucking lot Sherry," I snap, flinging my plate on the coffee table.

"She's been sick to her stomach all day. I think she might be pregnant."

"You women, every fucking time one of you run to the bathroom you say that shit. First of all, I am careful where I stick my dick. Second, I don't fuck Amber, so that means she ain't following the rules, and we've got a big problem. In fact, there's an even  **bigger**  problem if she confided in you and you didn't fucking tell me. Go check on her!"

"Yes, Sir."

"Sir?" Carson asks, stepping inside the parlor.

I sigh and rub my forehead. "Please make this brief."

"I brought back your keys." He sets them on the table.

"Do you have the numbers?"

"Yes, I did a full inventory. I gave a copy to Dwight as well." Carson hands me the papers.

"This isn't good," I grumble, turning the page, "but it's a lot better than it has been."

"Today was a really good day for us."

"I see that."

"Do you want me to map out something for tomorrow?"

"No. We'll take 236 to Landmark. That fucking mall can't be completely empty."

"Alright then."

I shift my eyes side to side. "You gonna leave or did you want to jerk me off?"

"I think someone is stealing the pain medication."

I sit up and take my feet from the coffee table.

Sherry closes the bathroom door and looks nervously over at me.

I look back at Carson and clear my throat. "How much is gone?"

"It's nothing major. I only notice because, well, you know why." He rubs the back of his neck. Carson was in a major car accident before the outbreak and eventually became addicted to prescription drugs from the pain in his back. "Anyways, the odd thing is that it was like someone had a key."

"I took them. Fucked my ankle up." I put my feet back on the coffee table.

"You… you took them all?"

"Yeah, Carson, I did. Is that a fucking problem?"

"I hate to keep pressing the issue, but this isn't the first time I've noticed."

"It sure fucking sounds like you're accusing me of stealing medication because I'm the only one with a key."

"No! I… I didn't mean it like that, Sir. It just makes my job more difficult when you don't sign out the medication you use."

"You could have just said it was about the fucking paperwork."

He swallows hard. "I'm sorry," he stammers as he nervously gestures the clip board at me.

"That's my fault," Sherry insists, "I forgot to sign it out for him." She takes the clipboard from Carson and signs the log.

"I didn't mean any disrespect, Sir," Carson frowns.

"I was just testing you. Good looking out," I tell him, putting the inventory list inside my jacket pocket.

"Thank you, Sir," he smiles, taking the clip board from Sherry and leaving.

"I am so sorry, Negan."

"I know you get kind of spacey sometimes with this shit, but we need to be more careful."

The bathroom door opens and out walks Amber. "I'm going to get some fresh air."

"Come here," I tell Sherry after Amber has left. I dig into my pocket and pull out a flimsy box.

Her eyes light up. "These are the heating ones. Where did you find them?" she smiles.

"Alice found them."

"Alice? The police officer?"

I nod and remove the patches from the box.

"So, she's staying?"

"She doesn't want to be a wife since that's what you're really asking. Where do you want these, your neck?"

Sherry turns so her back is facing me. "My lower back and neck please."

I pull off the backing on the adhesive and press it to her neck, then her back.

"Did she ask who the patches were for?"

"No, see, the thing I like about Alice is, she doesn't ask questions."

Sherry rolls her eyes. "Ass."

I snicker at her and grab my plate off the table.

"Is she working out okay?"

"If she was working out, I'd be fucking her instead of listening to your twenty questions," I say with a mouth full.

"With arrogance like that no wonder you're not."

"It has nothing to do with arrogance, it's a fact. If Alice ain't fucking me, she's just another able body to fight against those undead fucks."

"I didn't realize a human life meant that little to you."

"Sherry, one of these days you're really going to piss me the fuck off. Don't twist my words!"

She dry heaves and covers her mouth.

"Stop! That shit ain't fucking funny."

"I had a really big dinner."

I drop the plate and hurry up, almost tripping. "Stop, you're going to fucking make me do it too!"

She dry heaves again.

"Sherry," I yell, holding my gut.

She throws her head back and lets out a cackle.

"That is so fucking gross. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Sherry shrugs her shoulders. "I gotta get my fun where I can."

"Fuck you, now clean that shit up," I grunt, going into my bedroom and slamming the door.

"I know you're laughing in there."

I fold my arms and smirk. "No, I'm not."

"Liar. You're probably standing there, arms folded, with a smirk across your smug face."

"I don't hear any cleaning in there."

* * *

 

I can tell everyone is getting tired because the mistakes being made are careless.

"Sir," Marshall calls, extending his finger outward.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I sigh, shaking my head.

"No," Tara breaths, dropping her knife.

The mall I've been wanting to scavenge has completely burned to the ground.

"Damn..." Dwight snarls, lowering his crossbow.

This just adds to my frustration because we haven't been getting anything worth a damn from Hilltop the last few months.

"Tara, Marshall, see if there's anything salvageable. Dwight, Alice, let's go north and keep clearing."

...

Alice is sitting on the ground cleaning her face, hands, and knives in the stream.

"The fuck is wrong with your wrists?" I ask her. It looks like she tried to slit them and damn near cut her hands off.

"It's none of your business," she mumbles.

"I guess your shit plan with the gun in your mouth didn't work either."

"Not yet."

"You motherfuckers are all the same. If you wanted to kill yourself, you'd of fucking done it already."

She stands up and takes a deep breath, then moves her wrist up, pressing her knife to it.

"The fuck is the matter with you!?" I yell, pulling her knife from her hand. I reach into my pocket and grab my bandana, tying it around her wrist to stop the bleeding.

Alice lowers her wrist and gives me this blank stare like nothing ever happened.

My brow wrinkles. "You are twisted as fuck, woman."

She shrugs and yawns.

I'm not going to lie. Living in this world, we've all thought about a shot gun in our mouth from time to time, but to actually see someone this cavalier about it, it's pretty fucking insane.

Dwight puts his crossbow up to her head.

I grab the end of it, forcing it forward as it breaks his nose.

"Shit," he grunts, cupping his face.

"Don't ever raise your weapon to her," I yell.

"I thought she was fucking bit!" He drops his crossbow, taking a knee.

Alice turns around and sets his nose for him.

I fold my arms, rolling my eyes.

"Thank you," Dwight tells her, standing up.

She bends over and hands him back his crossbow.

"I'm sorry," he says, "is your wrist okay?"

Alice nods.

"I'm Dwight."

"Oh for fuck's sake," I mumble, leaving the two of them alone.

Marshall and Tara hurry up the hill to me empty handed.

I let out a sigh looking at Marshall.

He runs his hand across his short beard. "Nothing worth taking."

I shake my head and we start the drive back. Fuck, this means I need to come up with a better plan.

* * *

 

The black sky lights up, followed by a crack of thunder. It's about fucking time it started raining because it's almost impossible to breathe with this fucking humidity. Although it sucks to scavenge in the rain, it's harder for the undead to detect us.

"Morning, Sir," Tim greets, finishing up his soda.

"I don't know how you drink that shit warm."

"It ain't so bad. It's better than going without it," he laughs. Tim has been with me since the beginning. In fact, he's the one who found the factory. It was only eight of us at that time. Tim, Connor, Sherry, Dwight, Seth, Carson, Tara, and myself. "Scavenging today?"

"Yes. You're driving. Dwight, you take the other truck."

"Who are we waiting for?" Dwight asks.

"Tara, Alice, and Mike," I grumble.

"I've been here this entire time," Alice frowns.

Tim chokes on his soda startled.

"Why didn't you fucking say something?" I grunt, flinging the soda from my sleeve.

She shrugs. "Good morning?"

"Fucking smart ass. Guess who just volunteered to unload the truck by herself later?" It's not as satisfying as I thought because I can't tell what she's thinking since she doesn't show any emotion.

"I'm here and Tara was right behind me. Carson gave me an updated inventory list," Mike huffs, handing it over.

I shove it down into my pocket. "We're taking 495 South. Don't lo-"

"495 is inaccessible. That was a main evacuation road-"

"Keep fucking talking Alice and you'll permanently be unloading the trucks," I snap.

Her eyes slowly shift downward.

"Let's go," I order them.

...

"Mother fuck me, she was right," I grumble.

"Just make some shit up, that we found something better," Tim suggests, "but we gotta get off 495. Take exit 170b?"

"Yeah."

"This is a fucking nightmare."

"Speed the fuck up, if we get stuck we're good as fucking dead."

"There's debris everywhere, hold on."

We fishtail, clipping one of the guardrails before the truck evens back out.

Tim squints his eyes, looking at his side mirror. "Did Dwight make it? I can't tell with this fucking rain coming down like it is."

I press my boot to the glove box, leaning back in my seat. "Dwight drove semi's on solid ice up to Prudhoe Bay in Alaska, this ain't shit for him. Pay attention to the fucking road."

"Sir, look, an ABC supply Co. We can fill an entire truck up with building supplies," Mike points out.

"Good idea. Exit up ahead, then get on 648, Tim."

...

"Hurry up," I shout impatiently as everyone gets out of the trucks.

"This the place?" Dwight asks.

I move Lucille outward in the direction we'll be going. "There's a shit ton of industrial type buildings here that I want to go through."

"There's a tool rental place ahead. Maybe they'll have generators," Alice suggests.

"Unlikely," I scoff.

Alice blushes and fidgets with her hands some.

"No more useless chatter from here on fucking out, I want everyone alert. There's lots of places we can be overrun. Dwight, Alice, up in front."

...

Alice stops and narrows her eyes.

"What's going on?" Dwight asks.

"The fuck did you stop for?" I ask.

She points down at the dirt, and then moves her finger with the footprints that lead all the way to a boxcar.

"Fuck." I look over at Dwight.

"Leave it be," he murmurs.

"I ain't waiting to be ambushed. Tim, Tara, Mike, by the door. Alice, Dwight, over there. I'll open the door." I walk over to it as my men ready themselves. I use my fingers to count to three then quickly move the door back.

It's four men that look at us like a deer in headlights.

"Everybody get the fuck out," Tim yells, stepping inside.

Tara kicks the gun away from one of the men. "Try it and I'll cut your fucking balls off."

"Move," Mike orders.

"Get on your knees," Tim instructs.

"Check them for weapons," I tell Alice.

She puts her knife away and starts with the first man.

"Been a long time since a woman has felt me up," he smirks.

I kick him in the stomach so it knocks the wind out of him.

"Stop," a voice on the end begs, "we're good people, you don't have to do this."

"Good fucking people don't disrespect my women," I bark down at him. "I want your fucking names, now!"

"I'm Dillon." He points to his left. "This is Foster." These two are actually twins. They have to be in their late twenty's. Both lanky as fuck, but none of them look like they've had anything to eat in weeks. Their blond hair is entirely too long in my opinion.

"Davis." Davis has a dark complexion, but his hair is white and dreaded. The look on his face is extremely cowardice. Might have another Mark here.

However, I'm not worried about these fucks. "I want your name," I growl down at a heavily tattooed man in his mid-forties.

He looks up at me disgusted as he catches his breath. "Vic."

"Don't talk to my women, you can deal with me."

"You don't fuckin' intimidate me."

"Maybe I should just kill you." It wasn't a question. I press Lucille to Vic's cheek.

"Fuck you, I don't beg. You wanna kill me, go right ahead."

"Vic, shut up," Foster and Dillon both say.

"You're going to ruin it for all of us," Davis adds.

"Negan, what are we doing?" Dwight questions. "These people can be assets to us."

"You have a bigger group?" Foster asks.

"Shut up," I snap.

"Please just give us a chance," Dillon begs.

"You both sound pathetic," Vic scoffs.

I hit Vic in the face with the blunt side of Lucille and knock him out. "Any-fucking-one else that wants to push my buttons?"

The three of them shake their heads no.

"They don't have any weapons on them," Alice informs me.

"Are- Are you going to kill us?" Davis whines.

"Alice, Tara, watch them," I say and pull everyone else to the side. "Here's what we're going to do. Split into 2 groups. Mike, Tim, take Foster and Dillon. Dwight, we'll get Davis and that sorry fuck Vic. They give you problems, kill them. No second chances," I scoff at Dwight. "We've got two fucking trucks to fill and we ain't leaving until then. Get the fuck to it."

Tim's group starts for the ABC supply Co.

I motion for Alice and Tara to come to me. "I want you two to stay with the trucks."

"What?" Tara laughs.

"It's too fucking dangerous. We don't know these people and if there are more in their group, we can't risk everyone's lives."

"This is bullshit," Tara yells.

"Everyone calm down," Alice starts, "surely you've found groups of people on runs?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you two were in fucking charge."

"I didn't come out here to baby a fucking truck!" Tara puts her knife up to my throat.

I grab her by the wrist and press the knife hard into my neck. "Well?" I growl.

"Stop," Alice demands, kicking Tara on the back of the knee like she did me.

Tara falls to the ground.

Alice grabs her knife and glares up at me. "We will go by ourselves and scavenge. I think we can all agree on this."

I wipe the blood from my neck. "Fucking, I don't give a fuck if you two come back at all," I shout, leaving them alone.

"What the hell?" Dwight asks, looking my neck over.

"I don't want to fucking talk about it."

...

I really don't understand how Davis is still alive. Vic, however, is a different story. There's a few screws loose in that motherfucker. The only person I've ever known to get this much enjoyment out of killing these undead fucks is me.

Vic has a very thick New York accent and the more undead he kills, the stronger he lays it on. "You fuckin' see that bitch's face, Dave?" he laughs, stomping on its head one more time. "Flat as fuckin' pancakes that one."

I have a feeling something of his is going to be flat as fucking pancakes before the end of this day. Hopefully his fucking jaw. We make it to the auto parts place and much to my surprise, a lot of things are still here. "Davis, get a few carts and follow Dwight around. He'll point out the spare parts we need. Vic, you're with me, grab a few as well."

He ain't too happy about it which makes it all that more enjoyable.

"These," I tell him as I walk down the rest of the aisle looking things over.

Vic starts to load the tubs up. "How many fuckin' people you got with you?"

"78."

"I figured you was doin' well having me load up a cart of snow chains for tires. Hell, we just concerned ourselves with-"

"How about you concern yourself with what I told you to fucking do? I ain't here to chat and I ain't your fucking friend."

"Hmm," he murmurs, filling up the rest of the cart.

The chains are actually for securing the undead to our fence, but let him think otherwise. My eyebrow peaks as I turn the corner. "I'll be goddamned," I smirk. "Bring another couple of carts," I yell at Vic as I move towards a wall of car batteries. "Lucille, you see this shit?"

"Wow," Vic says beside himself.

"Load those up too."

"How many you want?"

"All of them."

Vic loads them into the carts pretty fast. The only time he stops is to take a drink from his flask, then shoves it back down in his pocket.

A drink doesn't sound too bad right about now.

"Negan, we can fill at least 20 carts with shit here," Dwight says, coming up behind me.

"You act like that's a bad thing."

"How are we going to get all this back?"

Fuck, I didn't think of that. The trucks won't come out this way because of the conditions of the road.

"Ignition wires. There's several sets we passed. I'll link the carts together using them," Davis says.

I guess he ain't completely fucking useless.

"Start on that, Davis. We'll load up the carts and bring them to you."

It's about time we catch a fucking break.

...

"We maybe have a few minutes until the sun sets," Mike tells us.

Alice and Tara haven't made it back yet.

"Here they come," Tim points.

Dwight squints his eyes. "What the hell are they dragging behind them?"

I let out a sigh and fold my arms. "Generators," I murmur. I never thought I'd be upset about someone finding a generator, but this is twice today that Alice has been right and I don't like looking like a jackass. I leave them alone to load up the trucks and go beside one to take a piss. I can't wait to be home and have a few pairs of titties in my face.

"Ashland police, huh?" Vic asks Alice, loading up the first generator in the main truck.

Alice doesn't respond.

I zip up my pants and walk over to them, waiting for the right moment to break his neck.

"I spent the last few days locked up in Ashland before everything went to shit. I don't remember seeing you on duty and I think I'd remember you. Still have your handcuffs?"

Right as I'm about to pull him from the truck by his windpipe, he lets out a scream.

She's dropped one of the generators on his foot. "I got your foot, huh? I don't remember seeing it there," she mocks him.

"Fuck! I think you broke it."

I make my presence known. "What happened?"

Vic looks at Alice, then up at me. "I dropped the generator on my foot."

"Alice, go help the others. I'll finish up here."

Vic sits up, rubbing his foot.

"That's strike two for you motherfucker." I grab him by his foot and slide him to me.

"Let go, fuck, please!"

"I thought you didn't beg?" I dig my fingers into his ankle when he doesn't respond.

"You had my people surrounded. What'd you expect?"

I let go of his foot and shove him back.

"We won't have this fucking conversation again or I'm going to nail your balls to the tow hitch of this truck."

His wide eyes stare back at me as he swallows hard.

"Actually, I'll let Alice do the honors. I think she'd like that. Should I bring her back over-"

"You made your point!"

What satis-fucking-faction to watch this motherfucker squirm.

...

"Alright you fucks, I ain't got all night so pay close fucking attention." I'm meeting with Vic's group to go over everything.

"We got off on the wrong foot," Davis insists.

I snicker looking at Vic's bandaged foot.

Vic swallows hard.

"We're not trying to start anything, we want to contribute."

"Contribute. Yeah, I thought about that shit. Foster, Dillon, you'll be part of maintenance. Vic, once you can walk, you'll help clear. Davis, you'll be sent to one of the outposts."

"Thank you, Sir," Davis says.

I roll my eyes. "I'm going to say this once more and it's once more than I care to fucking discuss. We do  **not**  rape," I sneer at Vic, "that goes for the rest of you fucks, too."

"Yes, Sir," they respond in unison.

"You will also respect my Lieutenants. They ask you to do something, you better damn well do it." I proceed to tell them about the point system. The ones that go on supply runs or clear undead are awarded the most points, followed by our engineers, scouts and maintenance crew. If I feel someone is a danger to others, they are sent to an outpost. I'm only sending Davis because I want to break up Vic's group for now. Otherwise, if someone is unable to protect themselves, they are given grunt work within the factory. For people like Vic's group or Alice, they must use points if they want to eat because they are not considered a part of the Saviors since they still sleep outside. Everyone else is allowed one meal a day. The people who clear or scavenge get breakfast and dinner, unless they use their points for more food. The ones who have rooms can also save up their points and move to higher levels within the factory that usually come with more amenities such as windows and a small wooden stove for winter. On Tuesday's, anyone can use their points in the supply room where everything is kept that is scavenged. "Now go get something to eat and turn in for the night. Davis, in the morning, I'll send someone to brief you about the outpost."

"You think they'll work out?" Tim asks once they leave.

"I don't give two shits to be honest."

"Dwight seems to think they will."

"Where is Dwight anyways? He should have been here."

"Outside helping Alice unload the truck."

"I made it clear she was to unload the truck her-fucking-self."

Tim pops the top on his soda. "You might think you're punishing her but all you're doing is endangering everyone else's lives."

I fold my arms. "How in the fuck did you come to that conclusion?"

"I have to trust these men with my life. If someone isn't focused because they're exhausted, I have to wonder if it's going to be my ass from some careless mistake. So what if she was right about 495 or the generators? Wouldn't you rather your men speak up so we're not wasting time?"

"Wasting time? You got some place else you'd rather be?"

"The parlor," he laughs.

"Yeah. I bet you fucking would," I smirk.

"Think about what I said. In the meantime, I'm going to go help unload the truck."

I have better things to think about. I lick my lips, looking down at Lucille. "Let's go have some fun with the girls," I wink.

* * *

 

"Where's Dwight?" I ask Mark.

"Getting chummy with that cop," he laughs.

"What?" I snap.

"He took her some of his food," Mark points.

I narrow my eyes.

"Shall I get the iron for the other side of his face?" he smirks.

I walk away from Mark without a response and over to Dwight.

"Thank you," Alice tells him.

"It's really not that big of a deal. I'm not exactly starving," Dwight laughs.

"How much fucking longer is this going to go on? We're losing the light," I grumble.

"Oh, right, Ping-Pong," Dwight says, standing up, "come on," he invites Alice.

...

"Let the slaughter begin," I smirk, grabbing the ball. "Zero serving zero. Get fucking ready. Anyone laying down bets?"

Carson goes around and gets the bets then signals us to start.

I'm up by three before Tim manages to score. I glance over at Alice.

She's not even paying attention. Instead, she's skimming the crowd like she's looking for someone.

I smack the ball as hard as I can as it hits her on her vest and she snaps out of it.

Dwight shakes his head at me.

I laugh, getting another ball. Sometimes I wonder if they all suck this bad or if they just let me win out of fear. "Did I lose track, or is this game point? Twenty serving four."

Tim doesn't even try.

"That's game! Fuck yes, motherfuckers! Dwight, you want to jump in here, show me what you've got before you hit the road?"

He looks up from talking with Alice. "Thanks but no. I really should be going."

"Oh fine. Go. Anyone? Okay then. Bunch of wimps, was getting boring anyway."

Dwight says something to Alice and she gives him a nod.

"Now if you'll excuse me." I grab Sherry by the wrist and pull her to me. "I'm going to go ping pong my dick all over these titties. Catch you later, Dwight," I laugh, pulling Dwight's former wife up the stairs.

Sherry pulls her wrist from my hand when we get upstairs. "What the hell was that about?"

"Fuck him," I tell her, opening up the parlor door and going to the bathroom.

"Negan, aren't we going to-"

"No," I interrupt Rachel, opening the bathroom door and slamming it shut. I gently set Lucille on the counter so I can take a shower. The cold water doesn't even bother me anymore. It's all the cuts and gashes stinging from the water that does. I guess a little pain is good though. It means you're still alive. My hand has healed, but Lucille will see to that. Speaking of, she's becoming impatient.

* * *

 

I'm about ready to call it a day. We've been out here for almost 6 hours and haven't found a fucking thing.

"Thank you," Alice says, giving Dwight back his bottle of water.

"Hold on to it," Dwight tells her, taking the lead.

Alice stops to put the water in her bag.

"Did you tell your girlfriend about you and Dwight?" I sneer at Alice.

She blinks several times and looks up at me confused. "Girlfriend?"

"Tara."

"I don't like women like that."

"Could have fucking fooled me."

"Why, because I don't greet you on my knees half naked?"

"No, but I'll think about that when I'm balls deep in-"

"Enough," Alice shouts. "Unlike those women, I won't suffer through your insolence with a smile." She goes to say something else, but an undead catches her eye. After she kills it, Alice rolls it over and reaches in its pocket, pulling out its wallet. She grabs the driver's license and puts it into her bag, continuing on her way.

I don't understand why she talks to Dwight or Tara, yet has such a problem with me. I've even saved her life, twice.

...

"How much longer?" Mark whines, coming up behind me.

"Shut your fucking mouth you big pussy. Being out here is optional and a privilege. I have fifty other men that would gladly take your place."

"Optional? I don't eat otherwise."

"How stupid do you think I am? I know Amber gives you food. Just like I know the two of you are still fucking. Might I remind you what happens when I catch you, and I will." I point at Dwight's face.

Dwight looks down and walks away from Mark and me.

"I-"

"Shut the fuck up, Mark!"

He frowns. "Yes, Sir."

"Sir," Tara starts, out of breath, "Alice found a small daycare up ahead. It doesn't look like it's been picked through."

"Then what are we waiting for?"

...

"There's that fucking smell again." I look down at Alice. "Is that you?"

Alice pulls her bag around to the front of her and digs inside for something. "Is it this?" She holds up this pink bottle.

"God, yes. Whatever it is, don't put any fucking more on."

"It's sun block. I need it for my skin."

She is pretty fucking pale. I let out a deep breath. "Fine," I mumble, "but walk downwind from me."

"I'm sorry," she frowns, going behind me.

I notice she's clutching a large satchel. "What's in there?"

"Toiletries, baby wipes, that kind of stuff. Is it okay that I keep them?" she asks.

"For your points."

She sighs and gives me the satchel. "I need my points for food."

I guess I never explained the point system to her, but at the same time it's not fair because I hold her at a higher standard than I do everyone else since she won't become one of my wives. If it hadn't have been for her, we wouldn't have found that daycare. "Just fucking keep it, but don't tell anyone and use your points for food."

"Thank you," she says, easing her grip up on it.

"You did well today, Alice."

"You never realize how much you take for granted until it's gone."

"What do you miss the most?"

"I don't know," she shrugs her shoulders, "I guess, pizza."

"Pizza? The world's gone to shit and you miss pizza? God, you're easily fucking amused."

"Well, what about you?"

"Titty bars."

"You don't have enough women already?"

"I've been looking at the same tits for months, I'm bored. You should show me yours."

She stops and glares up at me.

"Right, I forgot. You're a fucking prude. Probably not even a B cup," I grunt, getting in the truck.

* * *

 

"Fuck that feels good," I tell Sherry.

She lets out a modest laugh and tilts my head forward some. "Relax your shoulders."

"I'm flexing for you."

She laughs for real this time. "No, you're not."

"I just have a lot on my mind."

"It might do you some good to talk."

"It ain't fucking happening."

"We can talk about anything."

"God fucking help me," I exaggerate, relaxing my shoulders.

"We've known each other for almost two years and I know nothing about you," she points out, running the comb through my hair.

"Girls, go get something to eat," I tell the others.

"Do you want anything?" Rachel asks.

"No, now get out," I demand.

"Am I in trouble?" Sherry asks once everyone leaves.

"Don't patronize me with that condescending tone, Sherry. I ain't in the fucking mood."

She lets out a heavy sigh and goes back to cutting my hair. "I'm sorry, I guess I never took into consideration how lonely this lifestyle could be," she murmurs after a few minutes.

"Lonely? There's five of you. How are you fucking lonely?"

"Amber is the only one I talk to and that's only because I fear she sometimes gets suspicious about us. I lose track of the lies I tell the girls as to why I don't join you all."

"Our arrangement is none of their fucking business."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Hold still."

I pull away from her and twist around. "What do you want from me? You have a husband to make you happy, but you want to keep from him that you're sick so this is how we do it. I told you this wasn't a good idea from day motherfucking one. You think you're the only one that loses track of the lies?"

Sherry lets out a breathed laugh. "We created this illusion that built you a harem of women ready to drop to their knees if you say the word. I'm sorry it's so bad for you."

"How dare you stand here and throw it in my face like I don't give a fuck about you or Dwight. Goddammit, you think I don't see how much he despises me? Yet, I did it for  **you**!"

"You didn't have to burn him!"

"You burned him, Sherry, not me! What did I tell you? Do not let anyone fucking find out about you two and you motherfucking swore to me," I yell, picking up the coffee table and flipping it over.

She bursts into tears, covering her face. "I know."

I run my hands down mine and let out a deep breath. This just makes me hate Mark even more than I already do. It's all his fucking fault. When he caught Sherry and Dwight, he made that fucking scene in front of everyone. "Look, let's just both calm the fuck down."

She nods and sniffs up her nose.

I bend over and set the table upright, then sit back down.

Sherry drapes the towel back over my shoulders.

I grab her hand and still it to my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I know I put you in a horrible position."

_Negan, please don't fucking do this. I'm sorry!_

I let out a deep breath and try to silence his voice. "You're right though. I burned him. Sometimes, I can still smell his flesh against that iron." I look over my shoulder at her. "I think you should tell him you're sick."

"So everything is all in vain? Out of the question!"

I let go of her hand and look forward.

"His mom and dad both died from cancer-"

"You don't have cancer! You told me this shit isn't even life threatening."

"He'll see the days when I can't get out of bed and overreact. You know how it is out there. If he gets distracted thinking about my health and it gets himself killed, I could never forgive myself."

"Jesus Christ, I don't want to fucking talk about this shit anymore. Finish my fucking hair so I can get my dick sucked and go to bed."

She's not as gentle as she was before and her soft crying is like nails on a chalkboard.

"Look, I'll make you a deal if you stop the fucking water works."

She sniffs up her nose again. "Yeah?"

"I ain't looking forward to shaving. Do it for me and you can ask something about me."

"Anything?"

"It's your lucky fucking day," I smirk.

"Is Lucille-"

"No," I snap, ridding my smile, "pick another one."

"You sai-"

"Pick another one, Sherry."

She's quiet for a little while, then walks around to the other side and has a seat on the table. "What did you do before all this?"

"Okay, this is a bad fucking idea. Can't you just ask me my favorite color or some shit?"

"No and I doubt you have a favorite color," she laughs.

"It was an example." At least she was smiling. "Is that really what you want to know?"

"I don't know." She fidgets for a second and then brings her eyes up to mine. "When we were at Hilltop, before the Saviors and Sanctuary, do you remember the day you decided that we were leaving?"

"Like it was yesterday."

"What made you decide it was time?"

I lean over, resting my elbows on my knees. "It was a bunch of things," I shrug, rubbing my hands together.

"It was finding those men forcing themselves on Tara, wasn't it?"

I really don't give Sherry enough credit for being as smart as she is. I let out a deep breath and nod.

"You wanted some place where the women could be safe."

I stare at the scissors in her hand.

"Is talking about this making you uncomfortable?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

My face grimaces. "Why do you think?"

"No, Negan, why are **you**  so against sexual violence?"

I put my hands over my face and let out a deep breath.

"What happened?"

The air was so fucking thick I thought I was going to fucking choke. I ball my hands into fists.

"It happened to someone you loved, didn't it?"

I take my hands from my face and bite the inside of my cheek.

She stills my fidgeting hands. "Was she-"

"No," I snap, standing up, "I'm fucking done with this bullshit conversation!"

"I'm sorry, Negan," she stammers.

I snatch my shirt and put it on.

"Wait, what about-"

"I'll cut it my goddamn self," I yell, slamming the parlor door behind me.

 


	2. Chapter 2

I'm standing on the catwalk overlooking everything. Well, maybe not everything. I have been watching Alice for quite some time now. She's examining the undead that we have chained outside the fences. It doesn't take a genius to know she's looking to see if she recognizes any of them. The thing that separates me from just about everyone is, I didn't lose anyone when everything went to shit. In fact, I live my life pretty much the same. Leading others, fucking as much as possible, and dealing harshly with those that get in my way.

"You've been doing this for hours," Tara tells Alice.

Alice doesn't respond and pulls another undead close to the fence.

"How come you don't fear them like the others do?"

Alice lets go of the undead and turns to face Tara. "The real threat isn't them."

"Honestly, the living scare me more, too. The things people do to each other now are terrible. Especially to the women."

"You look unwell."

Tara laughs. "Always direct and to the point with you."

"I will take your shift tomorrow so you may rest."

She gives Alice a hug.

I lick my lips and take this to another place in my head. To a point that when I snap back in to reality, Alice and Tara are gone. I skim the courtyard and find Alice sitting on her bedroll. It looks like she's reading. What am I going to do when she earns enough points for a room? Do I really deny her that? This isn't me. I don't do shit like this. I let out a sigh and push myself away from the wall, going back inside.

* * *

"Here," I tell Dwight, handing him a bottle of eye drops.

"Thanks. I've just been using water." Dwight puts a few drops in his eye and tucks the bottle away in his vest pocket.

"What are you doing out here?" I pry.

"Cooler out here."

"You have got to be fucking fucking me," I murmur.

"Weird thing to lie about." Dwight looks at me, then turns his head over towards the fence. "Holy shit..."

I take off for the east side of the fence as it starts to bow. "Get the others," I yell back at Dwight. When I make it to the weak part of the fence, it's almost too late. Three undead have already made their way inside. I pull one by the arm, shoving it through the crack and back to the other side when I realize, this isn't the only weak spot, and the weight of the undead is bringing the fence down faster. I push back on the steel hoping I can hold it off long enough before the others get here because if this goes down, we're fucked and I will not die trapped like some fucking rat. "Motherfucker," I yell as one tries to bite me. I kick it away and when it falls, I stomp on its head. Another one lunges at me. I grab it by the shoulders and shove it against the fence. The fence cuts into the undead as its skin starts to shred apart in my hands. It's the vilest thing I have ever fucking smelled in my life. More undead come through the fence. I pull my knife out but it slips out of my hand and just out of my reach. "Oh for fuck's sake!" My arms shake as they strain to keep up the buckling steel and those fucks chained to the other side. One grabs my side but I'm helpless to defend myself. It snarls at me unhinging its jaw like a snake. I spit right in its face, then brace myself for what's about to come. The undead topples over as it's struck in the temple with a knife. I look over my shoulder and see Alice hurrying to me. She throws another knife and kills an undead I didn't even notice on the other side of me. I focus my attention on keeping the fence up while she kills what's left.

Her small hands grip the chain link and she helps me push back.

"Alice, you gotta go get the others!"

"If the fence collapses, the weight alone will kill you."

"I don't fucking care, that's an order, do you understand me?"

She looks up at me, and for a brief moment, there's a slight panic on her face.

The front doors of Sanctuary fling open and out run my men.

Dwight goes across the courtyard and gets into one of the trucks.

Alice closes her eyes and pushes as hard as she can on the fence.

Tim is the first to reach us, followed by Marshall, then Donnie.

"Where's Gary?" Tim yells.

"He better be fucking dead," I grunt.

Gary is in charge of making sure the fence is secure.

Dwight pulls up and uses the truck to help support the weight of the fence.

I motion for him to bring the truck forward along the fence until it's back in place. "Go find Gary," I demand.

"I'm right here, what happened?"

I grab Gary by the shirt and pull him against me. "You sorry fuck, you almost got us all killed!" I toss him to the side. "Now clean this shit up!"

"Yes, S-s-s-"

"Shut the fuck up, Gary!" I pick up my knife and shove it back down into its sheath.

Dwight gets out of the truck and walks over to me. "Are you bit?"

"No, just on the other end of a fucking meat grinder," I snap, flinging the blood and rotting flesh from my hands.

"Oh, Christ," Tim chokes, covering his nose and hurrying back inside.

"Donnie, help Gary. I want this fence secure. Marshall, make sure this incompetent motherfucker does his fucking job."

"Yes, Sir," Marshall nods.

"That was too fucking close," Dwight says.

"You think?" I snap, moving my arms outward.

He looks me over, repulsed by the stench. "I'll help them get the fence up," he says, walking over to it.

I look around for Alice. "Alice?" I call. My eyes widen and I go over to the truck. Did Dwight run her over? I grab her boot and pull her from under the truck.

"Ow," she whines, hitting her head on the running board.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Retrieving my knives from the undead," she frowns, rubbing her head. She sits up and looks me over.

I wait for a comment about the way I smell, but it doesn't come.

She gets to her feet and puts her knives in her vest.

I don't usually thank people, but this is well deserved. She saved my fucking life. Still, I don't get a reaction from her even after I say it. I let out an irritated sigh and walk back to the parlor.

"Oh gross," Amber gags, covering her mouth.

I take her by the arm. "Now I know who's going to clean me off."

"You can't be serious, you smell disgusting," Sherry laughs, turning the page in her book.

I push Amber back down to the lounge. "On second thought," I point at the bathroom.

Sherry rolls her eyes, shutting her book.

I walk over to her and start to sit down on her bed.

"Alright, I'm going, just don't get this shit in my bed!" She springs up and follows me into the bathroom. "What the hell happened?"

I flip on the shower and take off my shirt. "The fence fucking gave in, there was undead fucking everywhere. Jesus Christ, I almost died."

Sherry loses her cold-hearted stare and takes my shirt from me, setting it on the counter.

I let out a sigh and have a seat on the ledge of the bathtub.

She kneels down and helps me out of my boots.

"Stop, no sense in both of us covered in this shit."

She stands up and gets a rag, ignoring me, and wiping off my face.

I stand up, moving her away. "Every woman in my life is a pain in the dick. None of you listen worth a goddamn," I bark, giving her my knife to clean off, too.

"You're the crazy one that went and took five wives."

I know she's trying to be funny, but I ain't in the fucking mood. I press my hands to the countertop and lower my head. "Don't touch me," I tell her as she starts to rub my back.

"Negan, you're just a little rat-"

"Rattled?" I snap, standing up straight. "I ain't fucking rattled. If it's my time, so fucking be it, but dying because we have people too incompetent to secure a fucking fence is un-fucking-acceptable. Fuck, I can't be in every fucking place here to make sure people's jobs are done and still clear or scavenge!"

"No one expects you to."

"Everyone expects me to," I yell.

"You're a good leader-"

"Save that bullshit for someone else. I'm good at manipulating fear to make these people  **believe**  I'm a good leader."

"Fine, call it whatever you want. We're surviving and that's all that matters. Are you done feeling sorry for yourself?"

I fold my arms.

"Fuck you, Sherry. I ain't feeling fucking sorry for myself," she mocks me in this ridiculous tone.

"I don't sound like that," I murmur.

She laughs, playfully shoving my shoulder.

My eyes drop. "Hand. Off."

"You gonna tell me what's really bothering you?"

"You know I'm not."

"Are you ever going to let anyone in?"

"No."

She clears her throat, taking her hand from me. "For someone who cheated death, you sure are grouchy."

"You don't get it, do you, Sherry?"

"No, I don't. Please, fill me in!"

"You know how Julius Caesar died?"

"What?"

"Julius Caesar."

"I know what you said, what does that have any-"

"Answer the question."

"He was stabbed."

"By whom?"

"His own men."

"Exactly."

She gives me a breathed laugh. "You can't be serious. Look, you're just overwhelmed and you're not thinking clearly."

"Maybe I am, but I'm also not above thinking any one of them would off me in a second."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because  **I**  would."

"Negan, you have got to have a level of trust within your men. You can't think every mistake is intentional."

I drop my arms to my side.

"And no one is going to stab you. You don't lead by tyranny."

"But I do."

Sherry grabs a hold of my face by my cheeks. "You need to pull it together or I am not letting go, and you can piss and moan all you want."

I guess almost dying did fuck me up a bit. "Christ, you're right."

"I'm always right. You're just too stubborn to listen."

I narrow my eyes at her. "You can go back to reading."

Sherry gets my boots and puts them on the counter. "Nah, it wouldn't be a Saturday night if I wasn't scrubbing entrails off something of yours."

I give her a wide-toothed grin. "I can think of something for you to scrub."

"That's the other girls' department."

I snicker and finish undressing myself, getting in the shower.

* * *

"Sir," Carson whispers.

"Go the fuck away. I'm sleeping," I groan, putting my face into the crease of my elbow.

"I know you are, but I have an idea for supplies." He grabs my oil lamp and sets a map on my bed.

I sigh and open my eyes, peering up from my arm.

"We haven't touched this entire area. The bigger cities have probably been picked through, so I think our best chance is a hundred miles from here."

"You want me to travel a hundred fucking miles on a hunch? Lay off all those fucking pills because you've lost your goddamn mind."

"Sir, we've been lucky with the weather, but we're going into another hurricane season. We don't have any antibiotics. If a hurricane disables our ability to get supplies from Hilltop or even go outside, we're talking two, three and a half days tops before people start dying, especially with a sickness we can't control. Tara is already ill from what the others are saying."

I push myself up and take the map. "Wake up who you can. Meeting in twenty."

"Yes, Sir."

…

I climb on top of the hood of one of our main trucks. "Hurry it the fuck up people. It's going to be a long ass day." I skim the crowd to see who all is here. "Two groups. Group one. Mark, Marshall, Tim, and Vic. Go over to the Hilltop and start clearing since we've pushed the herd closer to that area." I don't need any other reasons as to why I'm not getting my supplies. "Group two. Dwight, Alice, and myself. Supply run," I instruct, then climb down. I know I'm getting desperate because we've never gone out this far for a supply run.

"Negan?" Alice asks after everyone scatters.

"You should show me some fucking respect and address me as Sir like the others do," I respond, setting Lucille down in the truck.

"Sir, I was wondering if I could be on the clearing team?" Alice stammers.

"The teams are decided, get in the truck."

"Marshall said that he would-"

I take a step closer to her, setting my hand on the truck and leaning down.

She presses her back to the truck and swallows hard.

I curl my index finger under her chin and tilt her head up. "You have two options and the second one I guaran-fucking-tee you will not like," I growl.

Her bottom lip quivers. "Yes, Sir."

"What? No knife to threaten me with this time?"

Her big eyes stare up at me as she shakes her head side to side.

My door slams shut as I turn my head.

It's Dwight.

I know what he's thinking, but he doesn't have the balls to stand up to me. I open the back door of the truck as Alice hurries inside and I shut it behind her. "You got something to say? Speak the fuck up then."

"The ultimatum you gave her, that's not how we do things. Especially  **you**  of all people."

"What are you going to do about it?" I ask, resting my hand on my knife at my side.

Dwight lowers his head.

"That's what I thought. Not a fucking thing."

He balls his hand into a fist.

"You're driving." I open up my door, purposely hitting him with it before climbing inside. I put on my gloves, looking over my shoulder.

Alice has her head down and her hands folded in her lap.

"Bunch of pussies around here," I say disgusted, shaking my head.

…

I quickly roll down the window and lean out of it, whacking the undead. "Goddamn, did you see that? I know that motherfucker didn't," I laugh, sitting back down.

Neither Dwight nor Alice speak.

"Lucille thought it was funny," I grumble. "Alice, come sit up here with us," I tell her.

"There's no room though."

I look over my shoulder. "You can sit on my lap," I smirk, raising my eyebrows up and down.

Dwight slams on the breaks as I go flying into the dashboard.

"Goddammit, Dwight," I grunt, grabbing my ribs, "what the fuck was that for?"

"We're here," he dryly tells me, opening the door and getting out.

"You should wear your seatbelt," Alice says.

"You think, Officer? Fucking shit," I snap, getting out of the truck.

"Are you alright?" she asks, getting Lucille for me.

"I'm fine," I respond, rolling my shoulder.

She grabs the strap of her backpack, putting it on. Alice starts to say something, but Dwight interrupts.

"We probably have six hours. Split up?"

I rub the back of my neck, trying to figure out where exactly to start. "We're going to have to. I don't want to risk not searching everywhere."

"I know this area well," Alice adds. "There's a hardware supply, an Inn, and an auto repair shop followed by the Library farther down Spotswood Trail. I'll cover that area. You all should take Monroe Drive. There are three schools and the fire station."

Dwight looks at Alice and touches her shoulder. "Be careful, okay?"

"You too, Dwight."

"Jesus Christ, it was your idea to split up," I remind him.

"I'm just saying, have some fucking compassion," he mumbles, walking down the street.

"Alone at last," I smirk.

Alice presses her lips into a thin line.

"Blow job for good luck?" I shrug, unzipping my pants.

She walks away from me.

"I was only fucking kidding," I shout. "Sorta."

She keeps walking and disappears around a building.

"Well, fuck," I sigh, following Dwight.

…

"Something's not right."

"No shit," I scoff, "and we're running out of daylight."

"What if she's hurt?"

My eyes shift in the direction she left. "You think?"

"Yeah, I do. We covered three times the area she did and we're still waiting for her to finish?"

"I bet she took off."

"Why would she do that?"

I constantly treat her like shit. "Never mind, look, stick together, but you take one side of the street and I'll get the other."

"Good idea."

…

"Here," I tell Dwight, throwing a flashlight over at him.

"Alice," Dwight calls.

"Alice," I yell. I'm becoming less optimistic the closer we come to the library. Were we looking for her, or a body? Did she really make a run for it? Had I pushed her to that point? I… I was just joking with her.

"Negan!" Dwight shouts from the library.

I run as fast as I can. "Is she-"

"She fell through the floor." Dwight points his flashlight up at the ceiling. "Water leaked through the ceiling rotting the floor."

"Thanks for the fucking common sense lesson, now help me get her out."

"Whoa, let me go!"

"Fuck you, I'm going."

"Negan, I'm serious. I can't hoist you back up, you're too heavy."

Goddammit, I hate when he's right. "Get fucking to it then!"

"Help me down and kind of swing me over some so I don't land on her."

Alice wasn't moving at all. Her lower body was covered by a fallen bookshelf.

He skims his flashlight over everything "Damn, there's a ton of blood down here."

"Is she alive?" The panic in my voice surprises both of us.

"She's breathing. I think-" he pauses, moving the bookshelf off her.

"What? What is it?"

"There's two undead underneath her. She must have fallen through the floor right after she killed them."

I squat down. "Give her to me," I demand.

"You're not going to leave me down here when I do, are you?"

"Dwight," I yell.

"Okay, okay!" He sets the bookshelf upright and leans it against the wall. "Alice?" Dwight calls, kneeling down.

I point my flashlight at the bookshelf so he can see where he's stepping. What if she had lost too much blood? Or what if she was bitten? I let my greed for these supplies injure one of my men. None of us should have gone alone and I should have been smart about it, spending a few days here. I also should have brought Marshall with us, that way he could have gone with Alice.

"Negan," Dwight shouts again.

I snap out of it and reach for Alice.

"I'm going to get her bags." Dwight jumps back down.

I lay her on the floor. "Alice?" I look over her arms and legs to make sure she isn't bit.

Dwight throws up her bag and a few more she has scavenged supplies in.

"Alice?" I wipe the blood from her nose and lip. I lean over her and put my ear to her mouth.

She's breathing.

"Negan, help," Dwight calls.

"Hold on!"

"No, there's undead down here, they're coming through the door!"

Oh, shit. I move to the edge and look down, clicking on the flashlight again. "Come on!"

Dwight kills two and runs for the bookcase, starting to climb up it. "Oh, fuck, it's giving."

"Give me your hand!"

"The thing has my leg," he cries.

The shelf breaks and he slips. "Oh, fuck!"

I grab his wrist, steadying him.

"Oh, god," he screams.

"Dwight, I can't pull you and the undead up."

"It won't fucking let go!"

"Try fucking harder!"

"Negan, I don't want to die," he whines.

"You're slipping! Get it off you," I yell.

The flashlight is pulled from my hands and the undead is hit in the head with a knife, falling to its knees.

I pull Dwight up. "Holy mother fuck me," I exhale.

"Fuck," He gasps for air.

I wipe the sweat from my brow.

"That was way too close," Dwight says, getting to his feet.

I look over at Alice. "Damn woman, you've got some fucking timing."

"I'm glad you're okay," Dwight smiles, cupping her cheek.

"Thank you for getting me out of there," she tells him, ignoring me.

I frown watching the two of them. Where was my fucking thank you?

"Come on," Dwight says, helping her up. "Can you walk?"

"I'm just a little dizzy, but, yes."

"Let me carry you."

"I'm fine, really," she assures him.

"Jesus Christ," I snap, grabbing all of her bags and leaving. We actually were able to get a lot of needed supplies. The schools still had several cots and mats when they were used as temporary housing when the outbreak started as well as other supplies, including our much-needed antibiotics. I hear the two of them behind me. "Dwight, go out by the school so we can get the cots," I tell him, loading up the last bag. I start to get in the truck when I feel Alice grab some of the sleeve on my jacket. I look down at her hand, then at her.

"I appreciate you searching for me."

"We both came back for you," I mutter bitterly.

"Ultimately, it was your decision and you should have left me behind," Alice says, stepping closer. "Thank you."

I let out a deep breath. "You're one of my men, figuratively speaking of course. I wasn't about to head back without you."

"We leaving?" Dwight asks.

Alice lets go of my sleeve.

I help her in the truck. "Speak with Carson, we'll try to replace your weird knife."

"I have six more."

"Get some real food when we get back then, not just snacks."

"Thank you, Sir."

I nod and shut the door, then climb in.

"Seatbelt," Alice tells me, touching it to my shoulder.

I let out a breathed laugh and put it on.

…

"Welcome home, Sir," Carson greets me with little emotion.

"What the fuck is your problem? Maybe this will put you in a better mood. Give me your hand." When he does, I give him a few pain pills.

"I don't have any points."

"Just keep it between us. Your hunch found us a lot of supplies."

Carson quickly swallows them all.

I shake my head, wondering how he is even able to function.

"Tara is extremely ill," he informs me, pushing up his glasses.

"We found several antibiotics. If she has the points, give her some."

"Are you still sending her to the outpost? Should I find so-"

"John can handle it. What's your fucking problem? You're bringing me down."

"Uh." His eyes tear up and he puts his index finger and thumb to the bridge of his nose.

I feel a tightness in my chest. "No," I frown, the word getting caught in my throat.

He shakes his head, confirming my suspicion. "We lost Tim."

I ball my hands into fists. "Where's Mark?" I shout.

"The cafeteria."

"Goddammit," I scream, walking off.

…

"I don't see how you can stomach anything," I grunt, pushing Mark back a step.

"Tim was careless," Mark callously replies.

"Bullshit he was careless! Those men were your responsibility," I yell, flinging his food from his hand. I take a step closer and stab my finger to his chest. "From now on, Marshall's in charge."

"But, Sir, it wasn't my-"

"You spineless piece of shit. Then you wonder why I'm the one fucking your girlfriend at night."

Mark says nothing and walks past me.

Alice looks up at me wide-eyed.

I lose my scowl instantly.

She looks uneasy at what she's just heard.

"I didn't know you were behind him."

"Like it would have made a difference," she mumbles.

"Alice, you have got to grow a pair, especially around here. This fairy-fucking-tale world you live in is  **gone**."

"Yet you question me when I don't want to be a part of it!"

"I question it because you're like a goddamn time bomb just waiting for that chance to spray your fucking brains on the wall! Why take your life when there are no repercussions anymore for making someone sorry they ever crossed you?"

She pulls a knife from her boot. "Then maybe I should cut your tongue out now and save me the grief of listening to you speak."

"And you said you didn't like foreplay."

Alice lets out a disgusted sigh and starts for the front doors when she notices Marshall sitting on the floor.

He's covered in blood with a blank look on his face.

She sets her food to the side and kneels down beside him, cupping his face.

I frown watching him completely fucking lose it as he cries against her shoulder. His cries echo through the cafeteria and I can't watch this anymore. With each set of steps, I become overwhelmed with the reality that Tim is gone.

"Oh, god, are you okay?" Amber asks.

I must be really distraught for it to grab Amber's attention. "Everyone out but Sherry."

"We never get to join you and Sherry," Rachel pouts, heading for the door.

I drag my feet, putting my hand on my forehead as I move towards one of the lounges, then plop downward.

"Negan, what is it?" Sherry asks, sitting next to me.

I stare blankly at the floor.

She takes in a sharp breath. "Is it Dwight? Is he okay?" she panics.

"Tim is dead, Sherry."

"Tim?" she asks in disbelief.

I nod.

"What? How?"

"Does it fucking make a difference?"

She closes her eyes as she starts to sob into her hand.

I lean back and rub my brow. It was probably one of the few times I was fucking speechless. Things like this didn't happen to us. Not here. I press my hand to her leg, patting it a few times before I take it away. "I haven't had a chance to tell Dwight. Why don't you stay with him tonight? He's not going to take it well."

"What about you?"

"I want to be alone." The truth is, I don't want to be alone, but I'm not going to talk about my feelings like a fucking pussy.

Sherry gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Don't fucking do that shit," I yell, standing up. I wipe my cheek with my sleeve similar to a boy ridding their mother's embarrassing display of affection.

"I'll stay with you if you just ask me."

I let out a grunt and go into my bedroom, slamming the door.

…

I crack my bedroom door, peering out it. Shit, I waited too long. The girls are asleep. I walk over to the bookshelf and squint my eyes. Fuck, I must have stood here for over a goddamn hour, reading all the titles. My eyebrow peaks as I pull one from the shelf and trot downstairs. When I get outside, I don't see Alice on her bedroll. "Fuck," I sigh and walk disappointed back to the doors. As I open the door, I notice she's sitting at one of the tables in the courtyard. It wasn't my intention, but I end up startling her.

She lets out a relieved sigh when she sees it's me.

I sit down across from her. "Can't sleep?"

Alice shakes her head no.

"How's Marshall?"

"Devastated. He blames himself."

"That makes two of us. Anyways, you should have the Doctor take a look at you after that fall you took."

"I do not have any signs of a concussion or anything to lead me to believe I need medical attention. However, can I suggest that more people accompany us next time?"

"Can I suggest you watch where you fucking step? Maybe next time you won't fall through the floor."

"Fair enough," she says, going back to writing.

"You think it's so easy being a leader? What else do you suggest?"

She looks up from her paper. "You want my suggestions?"

I fold my arms.

"Never mind then."

"I asked, didn't I?"

"Your arms are crossed. That means you're not open to suggestion."

"I'm not open to it, but since you're so fucking smart, let's hear what you have to say."

"I think you should put Marshall in Mark's place."

"I've already considered that. However, Marshall and Tim were extremely close, as you saw earlier. I want to give him a few more days to grieve and I think we all need a break. When's the last time you slept?"

"Last night."

"Whatever, lie to me, I don't care. Any more suggestions I've already thought of?"

"Eventually, gas isn't going to be a viable option. We should find an alternative such as draining grease fryers from restaurants and fast food places, then convert it to fuel."

"You're talking about biodiesel?"

"Yes, Sir."

I unfold my arms. "That ain't a bad fucking idea."

"You should speak with Dillon."

"Why?"

"If that's his shirt, he was employed at Virginia Biodiesel."

"I didn't notice that."

"I have one more suggestion."

"Let's fucking have it."

"Arlington has several solar facilities that are worth looking into. If the panels are already loaded onto the truck, it's just a matter of clearing a path to get the truck back here. It might be a gamble if they don't work but they can usually be repaired by using other panels for parts. Then, we can save the car batteries for powering lights to put outside Sanctuary in case of an emergency."

"Goddamn, having electricity again would be nice."

"You have the manpower to increase the quality of living."

"I want you to come to me when you have ideas like this, Alice."

"Yes, Sir."

I point at the paper. "What are you writing?"

"I was mapping out our location today."

"We have Carson for that."

"Yes, but Carson knows what is told to him. I make note of everything from the moment we leave here. Undead patterns to inaccessible roads. Even down to what items were left behind in a place we've scavenged."

I stretch my hand out, hovering my fingers over the paper.

She nods.

I pull the paper to me and turn it around. "Damn, Alice, this is amazing."

She digs into her bag and pulls out a composition notebook. "That town is worth scavenging at least two more times or an extended period to gather everything." She shows me the list she's compiled.

I look up from the notebook and at her. She keeps talking, but I'm not listening. I knew she was a good asset, but I truly had no idea just how good of an asset. I feel like this book I brought her is nothing more than an insult now. "Here, I want you to have this."

Her eyes widen. "Did you find this in the Library?"

I shake my head no. "The parlor is filled with books."

"Thank you so much, Sir! I have a copy-"

"I know, Tara told me." Maybe I was wrong. This seems to mean more to her than anything.

"Do you know how much this particular version is worth?"

"Nothing," I laugh.

Her cheeks turn a shade of pink. "Well, before everything it was impossible to find and worth thousands. There are only five of this version and the author and publisher both have a copy."

"Thousands? For a fucking book?"

"Yes."

"So... you want to thank me here or upstairs?"

Her eyes shoot upward.

"I'm just fucking with you. Well, actually, that's a poor choice of words since we're not technically fucking."

She lets out a breathed laugh which is more than I expected.

I press my finger to her map. "Will you show Carson this when you get a chance?"

"Yes, Sir." She carefully puts the book I gave her into her bag. "About Tim-"

"No, I don't want to fucking talk about Tim. Why are women always trying to talk about feelings and shit?"

"I was just asking if we were having a funeral for him," she frowns.

"Oh." Now I feel stupid for yelling at her.

"Marshall and Vic said they were going back for him in the morning."

"Yeah, we can do that." I pause for a brief awkward moment. "It's been 18 years since I've buried someone."

"It doesn't hurt any less, unfortunately."

"I guess some things haven't changed. Have a good night, Alice."

"You, too, Sir."

* * *

"You look nice," Sherry says, fixing the collar of my black buttoned down dress shirt.

I feel ridiculous, but my mind is on other things so I let her play dress up. Where in the fuck did she even find this shirt?

"I know that you're taking his death personal, but this is not your fault."

I sigh and take Sherry's hands from my chest. "Let's go, girls," I tell them as they follow me downstairs, out into the courtyard. There's a cool breeze outside about to bring in a storm. We walk around towards the back of Sanctuary where the others have already started to gather.

"I tried to save him," Marshall says with his head down.

"This is not your fault, Marshall," I tell him, touching his shoulder before I walk up in front of everyone. I look down at the freshly dug grave and wooden cross, trying to get a clear head. "Without Tim, there would be no Sanctuary. Every time you go to sleep at night, know that you're safe because of him. We've all been fortunate and haven't lost anyone until now." Something in me just snapped. "From this day forward, if your careless mistake gets one of my men killed, you  **will**  pay for it with your life." I look right at Mark as his cowardice eyes lock with mine. "Tim's death will not be in vain."

Mark covers his face and lowers his head.

I walk through the crowd until I find Sherry in the back.

"Tim was.." someone else starts.

My girls gather in close as we listen to people talk about him in the past tense. After half an hour, it comes to an end. Everyone leaves to go inside and eat, but I stayed behind. Tim's death is on my hands. I put Mark in charge like a fucking fool.

"Here," Alice says, handing me something.

My brow furrows. "Where did you find this?" I ask, taking Tim's watch from her.

"When they brought him in this morning off the truck, it fell to the ground."

I turn my attention from the watch to her.

Her hair is down as it softly moves with the wind.

Hearing her initiate conversation is as rare as her relaxed appearance. "I shouldn't have given you the ultimatum that I did yesterday before we left. We aren't like that here."

Alice looks away from me and at his grave.

I know she doesn't believe me so I don't speak any more about it. The rain starts to fall, but neither of us seems phased by it. "You talk to Tim any?"

She shakes her head no.

"I figured as much."

Alice lets out the smallest laugh but it's overpowered by the thunder.

"You should keep your hair down."

"It's not practical if an undead gets a hold of it."

"We should go upstairs and take advantage of it being down."

Alice glares at me.

"Shit, I thought I'd at least get a sympathy fuck."

She looks away from me repulsed. "Go ask one of the five women you had surrounding you."

"You wouldn't have to be in the rain."

"I prefer being struck by lightning over intercourse with you."

I look away from her and fold my arms. What a prude bitch. "Then fucking leave. I have no use for you."

…

There's a soft knock on the parlor door.

"I'll get it, take this towel for your hand," Rachel says, getting off the lounge and opening the door.

I look down at Lucille and smirk. She's dripping with my blood.

"It's for you."

"Who is it?"

"That police officer."

I roll my eyes, but then I wonder, has she changed her mind? "Clean Lucille off," I instruct Rachel, going out into the hall.

Alice looks down and blushes.

"Like what you see?" I smirk.

"Will you please put a shirt on?"

"No, and you're lucky I have on pants. What do you want? If you ain't here to fuck, you might as well turn right back around."

"I want to apologize for my crude comment," she frowns.

Well, this is unexpected. I'm used to people apologizing out of fear. Blood drips on the floor, distracting me.

"You should elevate your hand above your heart to help stop the bleeding," Alice instructs, moving my arm up and stepping closer. She closes her fingers around the palm of my hand and applies pressure to the towel.

I know she says she doesn't want to fuck me, but there is definitely some sexual tension here and I know sexual tension. It's even more apparent when she tries to divert my attention from the awkward silence by asking how I got this wound. I could have lied, but I wanted to see her reaction. "I like it when Lucille marks me before I fire one off into their mouths."

Alice blushes a deep shade of red.

"Why are you embarrassed? I ain't ashamed. Hell, that ain't the half of it. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I like to rub my dick on her. Away from the barbed wire though. Do you really think I'd let her cut my shit up?"

"Of course you wouldn't. I don't know what I was thinking."

She is such a smart ass. "I know what's going on in that head of yours. You think I've lost my fucking mind."

"No, I don't."

"So you'll accept something as fucked up as this, but not my wives?"

"I don't care for any conversation of a sexual nature. It's inappropriate. I'm just relieved you're not making sexual advances towards me."

I lower my arm back down and take the rag from my hand.

"Is that where the scars on both your hands came from?"

"Yeah."

"Aren't you afraid you'll become infected?"

"I take special care of Lucille. Clean her off and shit before I, well, you know. Anyways, I also change the barbed wire out every now and then when she gets rusty. I'll let you know the next time I do if you want to test her out before I put it back on." A sickly smirk sweeps across my face at the thought of that. Goddamn, I'd die a happy fucking man.

Alice's expression twists to complete disgust, unlike anything I have ever seen.

"Come to think of it, I might have crossed the fucking line on that one. Yeah. I think I certainly fucking did. Lucille is a jealous bitch. She'd fuck me up if she heard me talking to another woman like this." I close the parlor door just in case. I notice her hand creeping towards the spot on her vest where she keeps her knife. "Well, if you don't fuck me up first."

She eases her hand back some.

"I think you should know that I don't usually open up to people this fucking easily."

"Why would you open up to me? It's no secret you don't like me."

"Why the fuck do you think that?"

"The way you speak to me is very hostile, and when I offered a suggestion about 495, you were very belittling in front of the others."

"I don't tolerate disrespect, especially in front of my men. You got something to fucking say, you say it privately."

"It wasn't meant as disrespect. It was merely a suggestion."

I press my lips together in a thin line.

"Very well, I'll be on my way then."

"Wait a minute," I say, grabbing her vest by the shoulder strap, "I told you something twisted about me, your turn."

"Take your hand from me now," she demands.

I open up my fingers as she takes a step away from me and situates her vest. "Well?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

"Bullshit. I found you with a revolver in your mouth, I'm sure you've got some screws loose and I wanna fucking know."

"What constitutes twisted?"

"Just answer the fucking question."

"Is this a form of blackmail in case I tell someone about your hands?"

"The next thing out of your mouth better be what I want to hear," I threaten.

"I cut my stomach open intentionally with a steak knife when I was five."

I just stand there with my mouth open like a fucking fish.

"May I leave now?"

"Fuck, no, you can't leave. What the fuck did you cut yourself open for?"

"My mother died giving birth to my sister. After her death, I had nightmares that I would die the same way. I figured if I had no stomach, I wouldn't be able to have a baby when I was older. Foolish, I realize this now."

"Holy fucking fuck, Alice." I am honestly without fucking words. I figured she'd talk about her wrists or some shit but… fuck. I notice Sherry out of the corner of my eye.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you two were talking. I can go back downstairs until you're done."

"I will show Carson the map in the morning," Alice tells me.

I don't say a word as my eyes follow her down the steps.

"Are you okay? You look pale," Sherry asks, waving her hand in front of my face.

I clear my throat. "Did you fucking hear the fucked up shit that just came out of her mouth?"

"About the map?"

"No, about the... never mind." Mother fuck me.

* * *

I shut my bedroom door and as I lock it, someone touches my side. "You're up early."

"I wanted you to myself."

"Bullshit."

Amber drops to her knees and turns my hips to face her.

I grab her hand, pulling her up to her feet as I back her into a corner.

In a desperate attempt, she unhooks her bra and drops it to the floor.

My eyes trail downward taking in the rare sight of her naked flesh and my pants tighten. "Goddamn, Amber. Those- uh-" I can't even form sentences. I take a couple of steps back until I reach one of the lounges and have a seat.

She saunters over to me with this sudden confidence.

"Let me fuck those titties."

She shakes her head no and puts her knee to the lounge as she straddles me.

I hold her by her slim waist, licking my lips before they're against her warm skin.

She eagerly unzips my zipper and pulls me from the fly of my pants.

"Shit, would you calm the fuck down?"

"I want you to fuck me right now," she whines.

"Cut the shit," I yell, waking the others.

Amber gets off my lap and runs into the bathroom.

By now, I know her forwardness means it has to do with Mark. Each one of my wives I have a special agreement with. Amber's condition is that I protect Mark from the others. I get off the lounge and go after her. I've always had this thing about fucking Amber. She makes me feel like I'm forcing myself on her and I don't like that shit one bit. I keep her only because I know I will catch Amber and Mark one day. Then it will be a scored settled for what he did to Sherry and Dwight.

"Get out," she screams.

"If you ever raise your voice like this to me again, you're gone."

She turns around, covering her chest.

I open the cabinet and pull out a towel, draping it over her.

"Thank you," she murmurs, turning around.

"Mark is being punished. Be thankful you're a wife because it's the only reason I didn't kill him."

"Connor is coming back tomorrow and you know if he finds out Mark is unprotected, he's going to hurt him." The panic in her voice just confirms my suspicion they're still fucking.

"Perhaps he'll think twice about getting my men killed!"

"Negan, please. You know I would never cheat on you but Mark is still my friend and I care about his wellbeing."

"My decision stands."

Amber falls to the floor, letting out a loud sob.

I roll my eyes at the ridiculous fit she's having.

She takes the toilet paper from the holder and throws it at me.

"Amber, I'm losing my fucking patience with this charade."

"I don't want to be a wife anymore."

"Empty threats are also something I'm not going to tolerate from you." I move aside. "Don't let me stop you."

She picks herself up, shoving the towel into me before going to the door.

I grab her arm, pulling her back. "Al-fucking-right," I snap. The little shit. I didn't think she had it in her to actually leave.

Amber lets out a breath and turns around. "Seriously?"

"Only protection from Connor."

"Thank you so much," she whines, choked up.

I sigh disgusted, giving her the towel back to cover herself.

"You don't like me, do you?"

"You wouldn't be here if I didn't like you."

She lets out a breathed laughed, snorting. "The truth is, I don't much care for you either. You're arrogant and manipulative."

I shove my index finger into the fleshy part of her shoulder. "And you're a fucking spoiled brat! Throwing a tantrum on the floor like a six-year-old?"

"Let's get this over with. Do you want me bent over the counter?"

I open up the bathroom door and shove her out so I can get my shower over with. It actually catches me off guard when I pull the curtain back and see Amber standing there.

"Here," she says, handing me a towel.

"You here to fight more?" I snatch the towel from her hand, drying myself off.

"I'm sorry."

"Save it."

"No, I'm serious."

I wrap the towel around my waist and fold my arms. "Hate me all you want, Amber, but this is your choice. I didn't force you into this, just like I don't force myself on any of you. The look on your face like I do has to fucking stop."

"I know." She picks up my clothes off the floor and hands them to me. "I don't like the threesome stuff. It makes me uncomfortable. That's why I give you that look."

"Why don't you fucking speak up then?"

"My deal with you is protection for Mark. I thought I was only allowed one favor."

"From now on, if you have a fucking problem, you come to me. Don't give me the silent treatment for something I don't even know I'm doing wrong."

"Thank you, Negan," she smiles, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Go get me something to eat, and don't take all fucking day either."

She lets out a soft laugh. "Alright."

* * *

I put my foot on the bench of one of the tables in the courtyard.

"S-sorry I'm late," Carson says, sitting down.

I've called a meeting with my Lieutenants. Dwight of course, then Connor. Followed by Carson, Tara, and now Marshall. "Let's make this quick. Tara needs to rest. First fucking things first. Marshall is taking Mark's spot. Mark's constant negligence is un-fucking-acceptable and I will not tolerate mistakes like losing one of my men."

Before Marshall showed up five months ago, he was held up in a diner a few miles from Sanctuary with a small group. His group made my men look like fucking boy scouts. Most of them were convicts on death row for murder and other heinous crimes. Dwight and Tara were on a supply run when his group took them hostage. When Tara and Dwight wouldn't give up the location of Sanctuary, the group had plans for them. They were to be kept and tortured as a form of entertainment for the group. Marshall slaughtered the entire group when he found out. However, the group had already got their hands on Dwight. Marshall carried him back to Sanctuary and saved both their lives. Marshall is one of my most loyal men. He is like me in the sense, we didn't lose anyone to the undead. One thing I've noticed about him, he is very by the book, which makes sense seeing as he was raised in a military family, even joining the Army at 18. He also has an extremely short fuse and no tolerance for bullshit. If you go in his room, there isn't a thing out of place but his brunet hair is a mess and I'm pretty sure that's dried blood under his nails from three days ago.

I hand him over Tim's watch.

"Thank you, Sir."

I nod and take my foot from the bench.

Connor gets a malicious look on his face as he rubs his hands together. "So, uh, about Mark-"

"No one touches Mark or they can answer to me.

"Fuck," he mumbles.

"What did you find out while you were gone?"

"There's a school just a few miles from here. They call it, King- uh, some shit. Anyways, the name isn't important. From what I've seen, lots of women and children. They rely mostly on these six-foot reinforced steel walls that are backed by school buses along the walls as protection. They don't allow vehicles inside so the only way in is a small entry point that's a sliding metal panel. The leader's name is Ezekiel."

"Here," Carson says, laying down his map, "mark the location."

"You said mostly women and children? Negan, sounds like it ain't worth our time," Dwight grumbles.

"They're surviving, aren't they?" I point out. "I doubt a bunch of fucking librarians put up reinforced steel walls."

"That's right," Connor continues, filling us in on a few other things, then finishes marking the location on the map.

"Anything else?"

"There's also some girl named, Shiva. This broad is off her fucking rocker. Tears undead apart with her bare hands. She belongs to that Ezekiel guy, but get this. The dudes got some kind of fetish, makes her wear a collar and shit."

"How is that relevant?" Tara asks disgustedly.

"Sounds like wife material," I smirk, licking my lips.

"Bullshit, I called her," Connor snaps.

"Well, if you gentleman have decided who gets the gimp, I can start making the preparations," Carson interrupts.

I laugh, slapping him on the back of the head. "Look, boys, Carson made a joke."

Carson frowns, pushing up his glasses and fixing his hair. "You could have knocked my glasses off."

I lick my finger and wipe it on the lenses. "Take the rest of the day off, meet in the courtyard at the same time tomorrow," I instruct them, laughing, as I go back to my room. I step inside the parlor and look around. "Sherry, Amber, leave."

Rachel runs her hand down the front of my pants. "Strip poker?"

I circle my thumb around Lucille. "How about bases loaded?" I smirk.

* * *

I pace back and forth, impatient. "Where is Dwight? We should have left over a fucking hour ago."

"I- uh," Carson shrugs.

I pull Carson away from everyone. "Would you pull it the fuck together?" I don't normally take Carson with me except when it's a town we plan on exploiting. This way he can do a quick inventory of everything and map out the inside. "How are you even this fucked up already?"

"I gave my room to someone in exchange for their points. More pills for me," he laughs.

"And you chose this morning of all fucking days to get high?" I yell, shoving him back on his ass. "Goddammit, Carson!"

"I'll admit, the timing isn't the greatest."

"Fucking motherfucker," I yell, kicking over one of the tables outside.

Carson throws up on himself.

"Oh, gross! I hope you choke to death on your fucking vomit," I snap, leaving to find Dwight.

He's still asleep.

I give him a nudge to the back of his head with Lucille.

"Ow, fuck," he groans, sitting up.

"We've been waiting for you for over a fucking hour! Marshall is about to have a goddamn heart attack. You're lucky I didn't send him in here to get you."

He coughs, grabbing his boots. "Cut me some slack. Aside from him, I'm always the first one ready to go."

"So you think-"

"I'm saying it won't happen again."

"Get downstairs with the others."

"I need to do some maintenance on my crossbow first."

"Things that could have been done yesterday," I yell. "I'm taking your points away for this shit."

He grabs his bow, looking up at me. "Go ahead," he scoffs, "the point system is a joke. You exploit it for your own personal amusement. Lieutenants shouldn't even be on the point system."

"Keep running your fucking trap. Alice is going to have to start giving you food from now on."

"You expect me to believe that she has points? She should be a Lieutenant by now with all the shit she's done for us, yet she still sleeps outside? You're going to give her no choice but to become one of your toys. That ain't free will, Negan, that's rape."

Did he seriously just fucking imply that? "She can leave if she doesn't like it," I bark defensively.

"So you'd risk losing someone as valuable as her because she won't play with your dick?"

"What can I say, Sherry just doesn't do it for me anymore."

Dwight grits his teeth, lunging at me.

I shove him to the side like he's nothing and laugh. "Go ahead and make it worse for her because I promise you they can be," I threaten. I truly thought one of us wouldn't end up leaving this room but he picks himself up and goes out the door without one snide remark. I know that it's fucked up what I did to him, but I have no choice. As long as I can instill fear in my Lieutenants, then all of these people can be manipulated.

Marshall is beyond pissed by the time I get back. He paces frantically back and forth. "An hour and thirty-seven minutes!"

"I know and believe me, I ain't too fucking happy right now. Connor," I call, motioning for him to join Marshall and me. "Dwight is taking his sweet ass time and Carson is high as a fucking kite. I don't have a good feeling about this. I say we go to Hilltop, get our supplies, and call it a fucking day."

"I'll go back out there, scout someplace else," Connor offers.

"Do that then. Marshall and I will get the supplies." I rarely go and pick up supplies from the other communities because I think it's a waste of fucking time that could be better spent doing other things, but considering I haven't got a decent offering in months, it's time I show them how fucking serious I am.

"I will get the truck," Marshall says, putting his cigarette out.

"Seth."

"Yes, Sir?"

"Take Carson to the infirmary and have them sober him up."

"Thought you wanted him to choke to death?" he smirks.

"Not in the fucking mood right now," I yell.

"Alright," he mumbles, going to Carson.

"Sir?"

"What?" I snap at Alice.

She swallows hard. "May I be of any assistance?"

I tell her to clear undead with Seth and Dwight, then get in the truck. "Goddammit," I grumble, running my hand down my face.

"Is she coming?"

"I don't want her knowing where the supplies come from. Drive." I knew I was fucking pissed off because I didn't even make a joke about what Marshall just said.

"What makes you think she doesn't already know?" he asks, driving towards the gate.

"I just do."

"She's a cop, she'll figure it out."

"Get to the fucking point, Marshall."

"She's going to see all these supplies and ask questions because she charts all that shit. You really expect her to believe a town just handed over their suppli-"

"For protection, don't you ever forget that."

Marshall doesn't retort.

I let out a heavy breath. "I'll tell you something that doesn't leave this truck. We need Alice. She's not a strong fighter, but we haven't been this well off with supplies in a while."

"You think she'd leave if she knew what we are about to do?"

"I know for a fact. The moral fucking police," I scoff. I take a deep breath and shake my head. "Her eyes, they... you don't see it. I can't even have a conversation without her looking at me like I'm the fucking devil. "

"I see it. That blank stare she gives."

"Is it that apparent?"

"It is when you've seen it before."

"You know Alice?"

He shakes his head no. "When I was in the Army, I'd see it all the time. POW's especially. You can't deal with the trauma, so you either put yourself somewhere else or just choose not to feel anything. My guess, Alice does the same thing."

I never thought of that. "Weren't those people tortured?"

"A lot of times, yes. In the most brutal extreme ways to extract information. Sometimes, if they made it out, the stress would be too much."

"I found her with a gun in her mouth and it's not the first time I've seen her pull some crazy fucking stunt."

"There's something keeping her from actually doing it then and it's not because she's scared to pull the trigger."

I look out the window, curling my fingers around Lucille. Alice would never talk about it so I really don't know why I waste time thinking about it or any more time on this fucking conversation. "The group you were with before us, they torture a lot of people?"

"Never people, only the undead. I just figured it was their way of coping with it so I just looked the other way."

"How did you end up with a bunch of convicts?"

"People didn't exactly have name tags on."

"Fucking smart ass."

"You asked the jackass question."

I let out a laugh. I like that Marshall isn't afraid to tell me how he feels.

"Regardless, they were survivors. I find it strange to say, but sometimes I feel like I live my life the same way now as I did before everything went to shit."

"I know the feeling." I let out a long sigh. "Look, Marshall, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

He raises his eyebrow.

"Tim's death isn't how I wanted to promote you to Lieutenant. As far as I'm concerned, you've always been one. What you did for Tara and Dwight doesn't go unnoticed by any of us.

He relaxes his brow and clears his throat. "I appreciate that, Sir."

The truck comes to a stop and I get out, going over to the gate. Usually, it's open by now. "Let us in you rude fucks," I yell.

"You're early," Crystal says.

"Oh, is that so? Well then, pick us a fucking spot to sleep, maybe with you until you're ready for us."

"The supplies are ready," Ethan informs us.

"Good, now let us the fuck in or I'll burn this fucking town to the ground and shit in the ashes."

He nods nervously and motions for the guards to open the gate.

I climb back in the truck.

"I didn't expect to get resistance."

"They're going to try and kill us."

"I thought they didn't have weapons?"

"Well, they do now. However, they're not too smart about it. When you get out of the truck, kill the guard on your right. I'll take the left. Maybe they'll know I ain't fucking around," I tell him, handing him an MK 18. "Stay alert."

"Yes, Sir."

We open fire as soon as we get out of the truck and it goes exactly how I hope. "Call your people from their homes!" I shoot Andy in the kneecap after they all just stand there ignoring me.

"Do as he says," Ethan tells them.

This place is incredible. It makes me wonder how an idiot like Gregory could have his hands in something like this.

Andy rolls around on the ground, breaking my concentration.

"Damn, who would have thought a fucking knee cap would bleed that much?" I laugh, poking it with the tip of my gun.

"Stop," he begs.

Marshall clears his throat.

I look up at the majority of the residence now in the street. "Fan-fucking-tastic." I like a prompt response. "It didn't have to be this way," I shout as the last person gathers around me. "Get me some fucking supplies," I order.

"Crystal, get him the supplies," Ethan stammers.

"Wait," I narrow my eyes. "One fucking girl for a month's worth of supplies?"

"Negan, it's not that easy! You know this," he pleas.

"Deal's changing. I want your antibiotics," I demand. This visit isn't about fucking supplies. I want blood.

"Hurry," Ethan says.

"Go get the guns off the guards," I tell Marshall.

"Yes, Sir."

"For every minute we wait is a minute I kill someone."

"We have the things you need, don't kill any more people than you have."

"See, that's where you're fucking wrong. Because I still don't believe you have anything. Or you're hoarding, and as I recall, half of that is mine for the services I've provided you pricks." I rest the gun against my shoulder as I turn to the crowd of people. "How many people died last month from a bite? Come on, don't be shy now." I walk over and kneel down in front of one of the children.

The mother grips her tighter.

I curl my index finger under the girl's chin and move her face up. "You lose anyone close to you?"

She shakes her head no.

"Really? No friends?"

"No."

"Why do you think that is?"

"The Saviors protect us from the monsters."

I take my hand from her and stand up. "The Saviors protect you," I shout, stretching my arms out. I hit Ethan in the face with the backside of my gun.

Crystal runs up the path with a backpack.

"Put it in the truck," I say, following her. "Well, that was, what? Two and a half minutes?" I put a bullet in Andy and David.

People start to scream.

"For the half, we'll take the girl."

"No," Ethan begs.

"I could kill her, too?"

Ethan shakes his head no.

"You haven't met your end of the bargain and to show you how crystal fucking clear I am-" I laugh, pulling her closer. "Nice pun there right?" I smirk.

"Fuck you," she screams.

I put her in the truck as Marshall ties her hands together. "You want her back, you stab that son of a bitch Gregory for not getting me my supplies, and then we'll talk," I tell Ethan, slamming the door shut.

Marshall puts the truck in reverse and we leave Hilltop.

"Don't you fucking move," I threaten Crystal.

"That went well," Marshall scoffs.

"We made our fucking point."

Crystal leans over and bites Marshall on the neck.

"Fuck," he screams, elbowing her in the face. The truck almost flips, skidding across the grass. Blood spurts from his neck as he cups his hand around it.

I drag her from the truck by her hair. "You want to attack my men, you fucking fuck," I scream.

"Let me go," she yells.

"I'm just putting you where you belong," I growl, shoving her into a group of undead.

"No, please," she begs.

I step back and watch them rip her apart before I run back to the truck. "How bad is it?" I ask, pulling his hand from his neck. "Shit," I grunt, getting out of the truck. I get out my knife and cut a piece of canvas from the trucks cover, coming around the other side. "Move over, I'll drive. Try and stop the bleeding with this," I tell him.

"You know how fucking filthy the human mouth is? Christ, I'll end up dead from a fucking infection  **if**  the bleeding stops," he grumbles, pressing the cloth to his neck.

"You ain't fucking dying from an infection and I'm sure that cloth is filthier."

"Fucking hilarious."

"You're going to be fine." I reach into the back seat and grab a bottle of antibiotics from the backpack. "Here," I say, pressing them to his chest.

"Spent my points on a carton of reds."

"Take the fucking pills and calm down. No one has to know we got those."

He pops the top and takes two. "Thank you, Sir."

I know it isn't my fault but I feel responsible when my men are hurt. Marshall could have fucking died had she of bit his jugular. "I shoved her into some undead for you."

"Good. Right where she belongs. Fucking crazy bitch," he mumbles. He's quite pale but the blood has finally stopped pumping from his neck by the time we get back. Marshall lets out a breathed laugh.

"What?"

"First foreplay I've had in months and the bitch almost kills me."

I laugh with him as we enter Sanctuary.

...

"S-Sir?" Carson stammers. "I want to apologize for earlier.

I rear back like I'm about to hit him and bust out laughing when he cowers. "I'm just fucking with you. You're too fragile to hit. Probably crack your skull open or some shit."

"Thank you, Sir. For not hitting me, Sir."

"Alright, cut it out. Now it's just fucking pathetic. How did Dwight do? And don't give me any fucking bad news this time."

"Seth is in the infirmary. They brought him in as I was leaving."

"Do I gotta fucking do everything around this motherfucker?" I yell, going upstairs.

...

I rub my brow. "Explain to me again how this fucking happened?" I yell.

"It was my fault," Alice blushes, looking down.

"It's not broken. A couple of days off your feet and you'll be fine," the Doctor tells Seth.

I yank Alice by her ridiculous black tie, pulling her to me. "I asked you a fucking question!"

"Negan, stop! It was an accident," Dwight chimes in.

"Didn't we just have this fucking conversation? It's undead for Christ's sake!" I let go of Alice, shoving her back some. "No dinner for you. Get the fuck out of my sight!"

She hurries from the infirmary.

Dwight shakes his head and runs after her.

"How bad is it?" I ask Seth after I take a few deep breaths.

"I'll fucking live," he mumbles, slipping on his sock.

"What happened?"

"What do you think happened? Alice shouldn't be out there clearing in the first place. She's not right in the head and it makes me uneasy. She belongs at a fucking outpost. Hell, I thought she was a mute until you yelled at her. I don't like how she looks at us, like we're going to run a train on her. She makes us weak, Negan. Women don't fucking belong out there and you know it. Christ, she almost killed Dwight throwing one of those knives."

I narrow my eyes. "What do you mean, almost?"

There was undead everywhere, one had a hold on Dwight. When she threw her knife, it hit Dwight instead."

That doesn't make any fucking sense. "Alice isn't sloppy."

"Think about it."

"You think she was trying to kill both of you?"

"I don't think. I  **know**."

"Motherfucker!"

"If Dwight would quit staring at her ass long enough, he'd see it too."

I was too pissed to talk about it any longer, so I left.

"What's going on, Alice?" Dwight asks.

I stop and take a step back.

"I'm so sorry, does it hurt?" she whines, touching his shoulder.

"No, it doesn't and it was an accident."

She frowns.

"Alice, you can trust me. What happened out there today?"

"I'm exhausted, Dwight. I don't sleep at night and look what happened as a result."

"I shot Connor once in his calf. It happens with a moving target. I think you should tell Negan you're exhausted."

"Do you think he will give me a room?"

My lip curls upward.

"I don't know if you have enough points."

I leave and trot my happy ass upstairs. I knew it was only a matter of time. "What are you doing out here?" I ask Sherry.

She shuts her book. "Rachel and Nicole are, uh. Well, you know."

I let out a sinister laugh. "Sounds like I'm home just in time."

"May I go see Dwight?"

"No, now is definitely not a good time." All I need is Alice finding out about the two of them. Speaking of.

"Sir?" Alice murmurs, keeping her head down.

"What do you want?"

"I know it's not the best time to ask, but may I use my points for a room?"

I fold my arms. "You don't have near enough."

"How long should I anticipate before I get my own room?"

"A month or so I suppose."

Sherry frowns at me. Christ, even she knew Alice should have had a room by now.

Alice looks up and locks eyes with mine. It's extremely uneasy. "I won't eat for two weeks! Please, it doesn't even have to be a big room. A closet, anything," she begs me.

I point at the parlor.

She shakes her head no and hurries downstairs.

"I can't believe you right now," Sherry says appalled.

"Rules are rules."

"You can't make an exception? Who offers to go weeks without food?"

"Sherry where in the fuck do you get off questioning me?"

"Let me talk to her, and then, at least just reconsider."

"If you talk to her, neither of you will have a room. Are we clear?"

"Yes, Sir," she frowns.

"I swear, I'm a fucking babysitter, too," I mumble, opening the parlor door. Sometimes I don't even believe my own fucking eyes at the shit I see. "Where's Joanna and Amber?"

"We don't need them," Rachel says, grabbing my hand and leading me to one of the lounges.

"I'm in a shit mood right now," I grumble, setting Lucille to the side.

Nicole slides her hand along the back of the lounge, leaning against me. She's holding a shallow glass of whiskey.

I reach behind her and unhook her bra in one swift motion, then take the glass from her.

"We'll fix that," Rachel grins, running her finger under Nicole's chin before their lips meet.

Nicole slides her hand up Rachel's slender frame and unhooks her bra.

My eyes move downward, eagerly waiting. These two are by far my favorite to mess around with. There isn't a thing these girls won't let me do to them. They think I don't know, but they're actually lovers. Fine by me, just makes watching it that much more believable. I sit back as a Cheshire grin consumes me, taking a small sip from my glass.

The two girls giggle and turn their head towards me, leaning in close to my face.

"No!" I put my hand up. I've never liked the idea of someone's fucking tongue down my throat.

Rachel works my shirt off, then stands behind me. Her tits press against the back of my neck as she starts to massage my shoulders.

I hang one of my arms loosely over the back of the lounge watching Nicole's little strip tease.

Rachel presses her finger to the bottom of my glass, moving it upward.

I quickly down it, setting it to the side, though it falls to the floor when I miss the table entirely. I wasn't paying attention to the table anyways.

Rachel is loving this.

I grin at how turned on she is. "Go join her," I tempt Rachel.

"I want you to fuck me while she watches."

"Patience," I growl, turning her face towards Nicole. My eyebrow peaks as I'm given a lap dance. I run the tips of my gloved fingers over Nicole's skin, up the back of her leg until I touch her ass. "Fuck me, you two smell fucking amazing."

Rachel comes around in front of me, putting her tits close to my face.

Their size is quite the tease, but I won't complain. Nicole more than makes up for it.

Rachel grabs the zipper on my pants and slowly unzips it as Nicole drops to her knees. "Why don't you-"

There's a knock at the door.

"Go the fucking fuck away! Fuck!"

"Negan," Dwight calls.

I let out a deep sigh.

Rachel licks up my neck to my ear. "You're really leaving now?" she whispers, undoing my pants button.

I groan, pushing my hips forward when she grabs my length, pulling it from my pants. "I'm- uh… oh, yeah," I moan, grabbing a fist full of Rachel's curly brunette hair and moving her head up and down. "I'm fucking busy," I manage to yell.

The two girls greedily fight over me.

My fingers dig into the back of the lounge. "Yeah. Just like that girls."

"We've got a serious problem," Dwight says, interrupting my train of thought.

I pout like some brat, knocking over the end table next to me. "Fuck!" I push both girls away. "Just stop, I ain't even fucking hard anymore," I sigh, putting myself away.

"This is bullshit," Rachel snaps.

"You two better fucking wait for me," I demand, grabbing my shirt and pulling it over my head the most difficult way possible. I step out into the hallway and slam the door. "It better be a goddamn category five hurricane!"

Dwight coughs a few times, then looks up at me. "Alice is going to kill Donnie."

"What?" I snap.

"Oh, my gosh," Sherry says, putting down her book.

"Bring her to me," I snarl.

"Just listen to me," he starts before his cough interrupts him again, "I caught her sneaking into his room. When I went in there, she tried to attack me, thinking I was him. She was hysterical. I knew something was wrong when we were clearing. Apparently, Donnie has been making lewd comments to her while they've been fixing the fence, saying all kinds of fucked up shit, and that he's going to have his way with her when she's asleep."

I reach my hand back and punch the metal siding, startling Sherry. That's why she wanted a room. "Where is that motherfucking piece of shit!?"

Dwight swallows hard. "Outside."

"I'll kill that son of a bitch," I bellow, stomping downstairs like a fucking madman. When I get outside the gates, I look everything over.

"Fence is secure, Sir," Gary tells me.

"And the undead?" I question, trying to keep my cool.

"Several more were added to the east side," Gary informs me.

That's the side Alice sleeps on.

"The east side needs to be better reinforced before you add any more."

"We've been working on that all week," Donnie smirks.

"Gary, go inside and get something to eat."

He leaves and Donnie looks up at me confused. "Sir? Is something wrong?"

"Follow me." I lead him a little ways away from the gate and point to an undead.

He looks at it curiously. "Shit!"

I grab him by his shirt and force him against one of the concrete barriers.

The undead notice and start reaching for him, pulling on his arms.

"What the fuck?" he cries.

"Something wrong? I just thought I'd let them have their way with you!"

"Oh, fuck," he sobs as one almost bites him.

"If you ever so much as  **look**  at Alice again, I will personally fucking chain you to this wall myself, **if**  there's anything left to chain. Am I under-fucking-stood, Donnie!?"

"Ye-yes, S-Sir."

"Tell me I have your fucking word," I bark, sliding him closer.

"You have my fucking word! I'm sorry!"

I pull him up and fling him onto the ground, spitting on him. "Motherfucker," I say, disgusted. I look over at the fence when the undead start getting riled up again.

Alice is on the other side, staring back at me. Her blue eyes fill with tears as she mouths the word, thank you.

I lower my eyes for a second then bring them back up to hers and nod.

She smiles at me and I can see the relief on her face as tears fall down her pink cheeks. Alice lets go of the fence and sits down on her bedroll.

I kick Donnie as hard as I can before I grab him by his neck and pull him inside the factory. "Lock him in the basement for tonight," I tell Carson once I'm inside. At least this way, I know she'll get some sleep. "In the morning, send him to the outpost with John or I'm going to kill this motherfucker!"

"What the heck happened?"

"This sorry sack of shit wants to rape my women!" I reach back and punch Donnie out cold, then grab him by the boot and drag him myself to the basement.

"Who did he, um, try and-"

"Alice."

"Is, is she okay?" he asks concerned.

"Would you be okay if someone threatened to fuck you while you were asleep?" I slam the door shut, locking it.

"We should kill him."

I narrow my eyes at him. "You won't even kill undead."

"Well, we should."

"Drop it!"

"I'll go check on her, see if she needs any-"

"Leave her the fuck alone, Carson," I snap, heading back to the parlor.

Sherry is waiting for me outside the door. "Did you kill him?"

"I wanted to," I murmur, stopping in front of her.

"I'm sorry."

I become confused. "For what?"

"I see now why you want Alice as a wife."

"I want to fuck her, Sherry. Make no mistake about my intentions."

She takes my hand and steps closer.

I roll my eyes.

"Remember my first night with you?"

"No."

She stares back at me.

"Fuck, what about it?"

"I cried all night wondering if I made the right choice."

"You can always leave, Sherry."

"I know. Just like I know you'll always do what's in my best interest."

"I don't understand what this has to do with Alice becoming a wife."

"Even if she agreed to be a wife, you wouldn't be able to go through with it because she's not just another Rachel or Nicole to you."

"Is that so?"

She smiles.

I lean over so that I'm inches from her face and pull my hand from hers.

She swallows hard.

"Make room, Sherry because I'm counting the fucking days," I snarl, leaving her alone.

"I was starting to think you were going to stand us up," Nicole smiles.

Am I really in the mood for this?

Rachel moves between Nicole's legs.

Yeah. I'm definitely in the mood for this. I snake down on the lounge to watch the show.

Hands slide down the front of my chest.

I look up to see Joanna standing behind me.

"Who's going to please you?" she asks in my ear.

I pull her over the lounge and put her in my lap.

"That's right. The better choice," she grins, unbuttoning my pants.

"Shut up, Joanna," Rachel snaps.

Joanna looks over her shoulder. "You're just jealous, bitch."

"Hey," I yell. "Both of you calm your fucking tits! You wanna play this catty back and forth bullshit? Do it on your own goddamn time or your fucking gone. I don't need any more fucking problems than I already have."

"I'm sorry," Joanna apologizes, then turns and faces me.

"The fuck is wrong with you disrespecting her like that?" I ask her, then it hits me.

Joanna's birthday is tomorrow. She's already ten years older than any of the other girls.

I slowly unzip her corset. "You know I'd never trade you in for a younger model."

"Yeah, but, I'm not exactly getting any younger."

"Fuck you, we're the same age."

She lets out a soft laugh and bites her lip as she moves her hands back down to my pants.

Oddly, I knew Joanna before the shit hit the fan. She was one of those girls you see that would dance behind the glass while you jerked off on the other side. The best thing about Joanna is she's unable to have children so I fuck her as often as I can. Too bad she's not as good at making me come now as she was then. However, I have a solution for that.

She swallows hard.

"The fuck did you stop for?"

"I don't like that thing close to me."

"Show some fucking respect for Lucille. Besides, she just likes to watch, lucky for you."

Joanna turns her head and starts to ride me again.

I grab her cheeks and turn her head so she's facing me. "If you don't like it, you can go back to earning points."

She shakes her head no.

"Well? Where were we?"

Joanna continues as I turn my attention to Lucille.

Fuck, I can't remember if I cleaned Lucille or not with everything that's gone on tonight. My toes curl in my boots at the thought of rubbing my dick on her. Slowly, up and down her curves.

"Negan, I'm going to come."

"You better wait for me, goddammit and don't slow down!"

"You're so hard," Joanna whines. She was right about that.

Lucille always got my dick hard when I touched her. Harder than any of them. There was a war going on in my head. I wanted her to mark me but I didn't want to be infected. Then again, I was never one to tell Lucille no. I let out a grunt and grit my teeth. Blood coats her and she's forgiven me for trying to deny her my blood. At least if I become infected, I would have pleased her one last time.

* * *

**A/N I've posted links on my profile for Marshall and Alice if you're interested in seeing who I based their looks off of, and links for a more realistic take on Negan's other wives; Rachel, Nicole, and Joanna.**


	3. Chapter 3

My hand is so fucking raw, it hurts to put my glove on. No fever today though. I guess I'll survive. When I get outside, Dwight has his arms folded across his chest and his head down. "Dwight, Billiards."

"I don't feel well."

"Pussy."

"Whatever," he mumbles, walking off.

"Fuck." I narrow my eyes and look over my shoulder. "What do you want?"

"Are we clearing today?" Alice asks, clutching her bag.

"No, I've lost fucking count of everyone either sick or injured."

She sighs as her eyes drift off to the side.

"You play Billiards?" If I wasn't so desperate, I wouldn't have asked.

She shakes her head no.

"Well, you are today," I instruct her, walking towards the gate. "Hello?" I snap my fingers.

She puts on her backpack and catches up to me.

"There's an abandon bar close to here that I like going to. I'm not much of a drinker, except for when I play. Or fuck."

As usual, she doesn't say much. Alice hurries up ahead and takes out an undead. After it falls, she takes the license from its wallet."

"What are you doing?" I scoff.

She removes a small tin from her bag and pops the top, putting the license in it. "Just in case things are normal again."

"Is that a cop thing?"

"I wouldn't know." She situates the bag back on her shoulder. "I took the uniform and tactical vest from one of the stations," she finishes as she walks past me.

I cock my head. Well, I didn't expect that.

...

"Best mother fucking place on earth," I exclaim, putting my arms out.

She looks around the bar unimpressed as she puts her bag on one of the chairs.

I set Lucille on top of her bag and go behind the bar. "Drink?"

She shakes her head no.

"Too fucking bad," I laugh, pouring her one anyways and taking it to her. "Here."

"I don't drink."

"You don't drink, you don't fuck, and you don't swear. I'm beginning to wish I came by myself."

"None of that interests me."

"Interests you? Wait a second." I pull the glass back some. "Exactly how old are you?"

"I'm not a child, don't condescend me as if I'm not old enough to drink or be promiscuous. It's a personal choice."

I grunt and give her my glass. "Here, this is the better stuff."

"What did I just tell you?"

"Just try it and I'll leave you the fuck alone. Besides, it makes the game better."

She sighs, eyeing it over. "Fine," she mumbles and drinks it all.

"Jesus, you weren't supposed to drink the entire thing at once!"

She gets a sour look on her face and hands me back the glass.

"Ah, what the hell, right?" I slam my glass too. "I play better drunk anyway. Grab a cue."

She goes over and inspects the table, then grabs the chalk.

"Are you fucking with me right now?"

"You said the cube."

"I said the cue," I snap, pulling it off the wall and handing it to her. "Smart ass." I rip the chalk out of her hand and set it on the corner. I need another drink. As I pour one, I see her giving that blank stare she does. "Let me guess, you've never played." I shoot the decent size glass and walk over to her.

"I told you that."

"Well excuse the goddamn fuck out of me, but you didn't."

"Are you going to shout at me because you're drunk?"

"I ain't drunk." I take a deep breath and remove my gloves. "Look, let's just fucking play."

...

"I'll be a son of a bitch." She was good. A little too good. "Are you hustling me?" I glare at her becoming suspicious.

"This game appears to follow the-"

"Please don't fucking turn something I love into a science experiment. Jesus. What is it about numbers and books with you?"

"I like numbers and books," she mumbles, circling her index finger on the felt of the table before slowly bringing her eyes up to mine.

"I bet you were picked on a lot in school, huh? Shoved into lockers and shit for being such a fucking nerd," I snicker.

She takes her shot, sinking three balls into one pocket. "Don't make assumptions. It makes you sound ignorant."

"Go fuck your-fucking-self with your books, Alice."

"Penetration with a book is impractical."

I lose my scowl immediately and all I can do is fucking laugh. "I don't know. I've fucked women that could probably fit a whole library up there."

It breaks her concentration as she misses her next shot. "You are insufferable."

"Alright, Numbers, I got something for you. What's sixty nine times sixty nine?"

"Four thousand seven hundred and sixty one."

I open my mouth and stare back at her. "I was gonna say... never mind." That fucking joke would go way over her head anyway. "Alright, I'm stripes now."

"What? I'm stripes."

"You can switch in the middle of the game."

"That sounds made up."

"It's not."

"Well, when can I switch back? I only have one more ball to put into the receptacle."

"It's called a pocket and you can't switch back. Only one per game and I called it."

"Oh," she frowns.

So I lied to her, but I couldn't have some fucking girl beating me at pool. Beating **me**? I can see how fucking disappointed she is, so I quickly shoot another glass of whiskey, then take my turn so I don't have to look at her.

...

"Goddamn I've had a lot to drink and I still ain't drunk," I say, stretching my arm out and pressing my hand to the bar.

"I don't feel any different, either," Alice says, then falls on her ass.

I laugh so fucking hard, I think I'm going to puke.

"Don't laugh at me," she whines. "What did you do to me?"

"What did **I** do to you?" I reach out for her hand.

She frowns. "I don't like this."

I help her up and let her lean against the bar.

Her eyes slowly trail upward until they stop at my forehead. "How tall are you?"

"Fucking tall, why does that even matter?"

She shrugs.

I don't understand why people always want to know shit about me. I'm actually rather fucking dull. "Are you flirting with me?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"I didn't say anything."

"Your face says everything. I know you want me."

"I don't have any interest in being part of whatever that is in your room."

"It could be our secret," I grin.

"A mistress to the mistresses?" She rolls her eyes. "I know nothing about you that would-"

"I will tell you anything you want to know if you let me unzip that vest and play with those titties."

Her brow wrinkles even more.

"Six foot seven, two hundred and-"

She covers my mouth with her hand. "I recall saying I'm going to cut out your t-"

I slowly lick the palm of her hand.

She pulls it back and takes in a sharp breath. "Stop," she grimaces.

My eyes sink for a second and then I jolt them back up to hers. "You're really serious then?"

"Of course I am! Wait, is that why you tried to give me alcohol?"

"No, I just, fuck, I don't know," I sigh, resting my other hand to the bar. The silence is even more awkward than the conversation we just had. "Alice, you, uh.."

She looks at me with those wide innocent eyes that she fucking has.

I let out a groan. "You can't switch stripes or solids during a game."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't want to lose."

"That's disappointing. I trusted you."

I push myself away from the bar, quickly losing my temper. This is what I get for trying this honesty bullshit? "Well, it's only fucking billiards!"

"It doesn't matter! If you'd lie about something as trivial as a game, why wouldn't you lie about everything else? Like the alcohol and your intentions."

"Oh, fucking come on, don't you think you're taking this a little too fucking far out of context?"

She moves from the bar and stumbles over to get her bag.

"Give me a fucking break. You're seriously leaving? Fuck you," I yell, as the door shuts. I pick up my glass and throw it against the wall. "Goddammit!" I start to get another drink, when I think to myself, she ain't walking away from me! Slipping on my jacket, I grab Lucille and run after her. I don't have to go far at all.

"Welcome her home properly," someone laughs as another man pins Alice down by her throat, unbuttoning her pants.

"No, stop! Please, no more," Alice sobs, trying to get her knife.

I raise Lucille and make him sorry he ever put his hands on Alice.

Alice shoves him off her and wipes his blood from her face.

"Which one of you fucking cock suckers are next?" I growl.

Alice scoots back until her hand touches my boot, then stands up.

"The girl belongs to us," he yells, as the men surround us, "and we ain't leavin' until we get what's ours."

"Over my dead fucking body," I bellow, gripping Lucille tighter.

"You heard him boys."

This right here is the ultimate satis-fucking-faction for me. Dealing with pricks like this. Normally, I let it last a little longer but I guess I had a lot of pent up anger. I move Alice behind me. "Go inside the bar," I tell her, saving this ring leader for last. I can't stand sexual violence and for that, Lucille and I had our fun with him. Even luring a couple of undead to eat him alive before I end his miserable existence. I stroll back inside the bar and fling the blood from Lucille. "I've never seen Lucille this fucking dirty. Goddamn, I might fire one off right here. You can watch if you want," I laugh. I wait for Alice to say something, but I don't even see her. "Alice?" I call. I look around the bar, then notice her small boot sticking out from under one of the tables.

She is so scared that she's trembling. Her teeth chatter as her tears dampen the ground.

It's nothing like what I have seen before with her. I kneel down, tilting her chin up. "You don't gotta fucking worry about those pricks ever agai-"

She gives me a hug, locking her arms tight around my neck. "Thank you, Negan," she whimpers.

I let go of Lucille and freeze. The only sound is her hitting the floor, before she stills.

_Thank you, Negan._

_Lucille, I can protect you._

_It has to be this way. You know this._

_He doesn't give two shits about you or else he wouldn't let men have their way with you for money. Money that he pockets. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see how much you mean to me?_

I take in a sharp breath and blink hard. I grab Alice by the back of her vest and pull her off me.

She catches her balance before she falls on the floor.

I grab the sides of my head, going over to the bar. What the fuck was that? Some kind of flash back? I snatch the bottle and start to chug. I haven't thought about that moment between Lucille and I in years.

Alice is at my feet, nervously picking at one of her cuticles.

Who is this girl before me? She isn't weak, she's strong. Like Lucille was. I slam the bottle down on the bar as it sloshes out onto the counter. "Knock this the fuck off. You're not helpless for Christ's sake. Don't call me by my name and don't ever touch me again or I'll assume I have a new wife."

Her blank look as never been so reassuring.

"Move your ass," I mutter, walking over and picking up Lucille, then heading for the door.

...

I lean against the metal doors that lead in to Sanctuary.

Alice hasn't moved in over an hour.

I guess that makes two of us.

She's just standing there, in the rain, staring into the distance.

I run my hand over my face and let out a deep sigh before I turn around and go back inside. "Carson," I call.

"Yes, Sir?"

"Walk with me," I start, going towards the parlor. "I want you to keep an eye on Alice. Come see me in an hour and tell me what she's doing."

"I want more pills."

"You little shit." I ball my hand into a fist.

"I'm sorry! I just thought, you scratch my back, I scratch yours kind of thing."

"Do I look like the kind of guy who scratches another guys back, you fucking idiot!"

"I'm going right now," he panics.

"Fuck," I mutter, opening the door and slamming it shut.

"What's wrong?" Joanna asks.

"You're not on your knees. Rachel, Nicole, you too."

...

"Negan, what's wrong? You don't want us?" Rachel asks.

I sit up off the lounge and press my feet to the floor. I can't get Alice's face out of my mind. I want to know who those people were and what they did to her.

"Sweetie," Nicole starts, touching my back, "you've been acting really weird since you got back."

I get off the lounge and put my pants back on. There's a knock at the door. "Come in," I say.

"She's crying. That's all she's been doing for the last hour," Carson informs me.

"Who's crying?" Sherry asks.

"Outside," I point at Carson, shutting the door behind us. "Crying?"

"Yeah, and she's just standing in the rain like one of those undead things."

Fuck, why do I even care in the first place?

"She's not getting sick like Tara and Dwight ar-"

"Shut up and listen to me." I reach into my pocket and give him my keys. "You go get that bottle of pain meds, then bring me the girl and my keys. And keep your fucking mouth shut about this."

"I'll be back in just a second," he smiles, running off.

Seconds my ass and I've been outside pacing for twenty fucking minutes.

When he finally comes back, she's not with him.

"I thought I made myself clear."

"She wasn't there."

I steal the bottle from his hands and my keys. "No fucking deal then."

"Negan, no, please," he begs, "I'll find her!"

"Then go," I growl, slamming the door shut behind me. Where the hell could she have run off to? My eyes widen. "Of course.."

..

Just like I figured, she's back outside the bar, kneeling down in the middle of all those people I killed.

"I don't know why I'm here, don't ask," she tells me.

"I think you do, but fair enough if you don't want to talk about it."

Alice drops the wallet in her hand and stands up.

"Did you find what you're looking for?"

"No," she murmurs, pulling all her knives from her vest.

I watch her go absolutely ballistic. Undead start piling up in the street.

As she pulls a knife from an undead, another goes flying across the street. This lasts until they get too close for her to throw. She pockets all of her knives but one, clutching it tight in her hand. She is far from done. The rain doesn't even have the time to wash the grime away before it paints her arms and face again. Here was a girl that could barely take one undead up close, turned into a fucking maniac.

As far away as I am, I can see the hatred and disgust on her face. I should be loving this, but something's not right. Why are there this many of them? I climb up on a top of the garbage bin and pull myself on the roof. When I get to the top, I quickly squat down. It's a fucking herd coming this way. I hurry down and run over to her.

She slips on some blood and falls to the ground as they pile on top of her.

I pull my knife out and try to kill them as fast as I can.

It doesn't detour her from stopping and now she's just being fucking reckless.

"Alice, stop it," I yell, "you're going to get us both killed!"

"So leave," she screams, shoving me.

Lightning strikes close, hitting one of the trees as the branch falls on top of several undead, giving us a chance to run.

I grit my teeth and grab her by the vest, forcing her to walk towards the bar.

"Let me go!"

"Shut your fucking mouth or I'm going to shut it for you!"

"Stop it," she demands, trying to get free.

I cover her mouth with my hand, so it's just muffled noises she's making. After we're inside the bar, I slam the doors shut, shoving her to the floor. "You stupid girl. You ever put my life in danger like that again and I'll fucking kill you."

She hands me one of her knives. "What's stopping you now?

I throw it across the bar. "Because you want me to! Why are you so eager to die?"

"Leave me alone!"

"You better lower your fucking voice before they come in the door!"

Her demeanor shifts entirely.

"Answer me, goddammit," I growl, ripping the rubber band from her hands when she tries to put her hair back up.

"They killed her," Alice cries, "they killed her," she repeats herself, sobbing loudly into her hands.

_You fucking killed her!_

"Why her and not me?" Alice continues to cry.  
_  
Why would you hurt her?_

"This is all my fault, I didn't protect her like I promised," she whines.

_This is my fault, not hers!_

"Stop please," I beg Alice, clawing at the sides of my head. "Fuck!" Jesus Christ, it's like reliving that day. Lucille wasn't even recognizable after what that son of a bitch did to her.

Alice picks herself up and goes over behind the bar, sitting down before she starts to sob again.

I wish I had known those men killed someone close to her because I feel like I robbed her of any closure. I walk around the bar and sit down across from her on the other side of her feet. "This girl they killed..." The words die in my throat.

"My sister."

"Oh, damn," I frown. "What were you looking for then?"

"She wore a bracelet on her wrist. It was purple and had a little diamond moon on it. I gave it to her for her birthday. Took me all summer to save up for. One of the men said he had it on him when I told him I didn't believe that they killed her."

"Those fucks were just trying to get a rise out of you. You said you didn't find her bracelet, so don't give up on her, Alice." I give her back her rubber band.

"Yeah," she whispers, putting her hair up.

I got a better understanding of Alice that day. Finding her sister was her reason to keep going. It also makes sense why she always wants to be on the clearing team. Even though it would be a harsh truth, at least she'd know for sure if her sister had turned. "You gotta picture of her or something? Maybe I've seen her."

Alice unzips her vest some and pulls out a picture from her shirt pocket.

It takes me one glance over to know I've never seen this girl, but I look it over a little longer. She has long wavy red hair and bangs. I think the girl was paler than Alice. She also was a couple years younger. Aside from that, they share several facial similarities. I shake my head no and hand the picture back.

"What? No crude comment," Alice jeers, snatching the photo out of my hand and tucking it back into her pocket.

"No."

Alice seems surprised. "I'm sorry about putting your life in danger. I wasn't thinking clearly."

"Obviously."

"Go out the side window. I'll distract them so you may leave."

"Do I look like I'm fitting through any windows? We ain't going anywhere, so get comfortable."

"How many were there?"

"At least a hundred." As the words leave my mouth, we hear them right outside the bar. It's like a goddamn stampede until they stop and feed on those men.

Alice moves her hands over her ears and covers them, closing her eyes.

I stretch my arm out, resting my hand on her ankle. It's not in my nature to be compassionate, but I know it's the least I can do for this poor girl.

...

There were times when I thought they were coming through the walls, and this lasted over an hour.

Alice moves her hands from her ears slightly and looks up at me. "Are they gone?"

I open my eyes, moving my head away from the wall. "I think so," I say, clearing my throat.

"Did I wake you?"

"No. I'm just really fucking tired."

"You may rest. I'll keep watch until we know for certain."

"Ha! You protect me?" I laugh, leaning my head back and closing my eyes.

"You have a nice smile."

I open one eye, peering down at her. "A complement? From you? Don't get soft on me now, Alice."

She pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them.

I'm dry for the most part because of my jacket, but her clothes are still soaking wet. It's too bad she has that stupid fucking vest on. "Well, I ain't giving you my jacket. Come here."

She crawls over and sits beside me.

I lift my arm, holding open my jacket.

Alice looks up at me hesitant to move.

I let out a sigh and pull her to me, wrapping my arm and jacket around her.

"Who's getting soft now?"

"I can assure you, I'm never soft around you," I smirk, closing my eyes.

...

"Oh, fuck," Joanna moans.

"Stop talking," I grunt, covering her mouth. "Just stare back at me."

She gives me a blank stare.

"That's it, not one fucking word, do you understand me?"

She nods her head.

"Open your eyes wider. Wider. Good. Stay just like that," I instruct, thrusting harder into her. Yeah, so, maybe I was thinking of Alice while I fucked Joanna, but fidelity was never my strong suit.

Nicole reaches over and starts to play with Joanna.

I push her away. "No. I just want her."

"But," Nicole frowns.

"Let us at least play with you," Rachel whines.

"Shut the fuck up and go sit down!"

The girls hurry over to the other lounges.

I look down at Joanna, taking my hand from her mouth. "Relax your mouth." I don't know why I even bother. The two look nothing alike. Alice's face is round and not plastered with unnecessarily thick make up. Fuck, she has these pouty lips that I would kill to have wrapped around my dick. I pull out and take Joanna by her hip, flipping her over.

"Hard," Joanna begs me.

I cover her mouth, pulling her up against me. "I said keep your mouth shut."

Rachel glares at me, folding her arms.

"Rachel, get the fuck out. In fact, all of you, get the fuck out."

Joanna starts to move.

"Not you," I snap. When the door clicks shut I clear my head, then bury myself deep inside her.

She reaches back and holds on to me by my nape.

"Let. Go," I articulate, prying her hand from me.

"Do you want-"

"I want you to close your fucking mouth," I yell. "I don't want to hear you moan my name. I don't want you to tell me how hard you want it." I let out a groan. "Just fucking forget it," I grumble, going into my bedroom and slamming the door. I look down at Lucille on the edge of my bed. She isn't happy with me because I didn't even let her watch. "Lucille, I think I'm losing my goddamn mind."

* * *

Tuesday comes quicker every single week. It's a constant reminder that we need more. More supplies. More food. More medicine.

"Here are their files, Sir," Carson says.

"Good, send them in by order."

We always follow the same order, every week. My lieutenants first; Dwight, Connor, Carson, Tara, and Marshall.

Followed by my girls; Sherry, Rachel, Nicole, Joanna, and Amber.

Then it's by seniority, starting with Seth and ending with Vic's group.

I watch everyone carefully and mark off any items they get, then Carson makes a new inventory list. Cigarettes are always the first to go. Usually between Tara and Marshall. Mattresses are another thing that don't last because I very seldom allow space on the trucks for them when we are scavenging. I figured alcohol would be something of interest, but Vic seems to be the only one to ever use his points on it.

Connor comes in first. That means Dwight must still be sick. Connor always goes straight for the porno mags.

I snap my fingers. "Hey, this ain't a fucking library."

"Alright, Jesus." He puts several under his arm and picks up a few hygienic items.

"We still on for poker Friday?"

"Yes, you want a cigar?"

"Yeah, and that'll do this week. Hey, watch this."

"Leave Carson the fuck alone."

Connor tries to trip Carson on the way out, but he just ends up getting tangled on his own feet. "Fuck," he screams, cradling his elbow.

"Nice try, dick head," Carson snickers.

I bust out laughing.

"Fuck off, you cunts," Connor shouts.

Carson doesn't go inside the supply room, but instead looks up at me after Connor leaves. "Um." He clears his throat.

I roll my eyes. "Give Vic his own room and the next time, so help me God, you fucking trade it for pills, you ain't getting it back."

"Thank you!"

"Tara still sick?"

"Yes, but she gave me her list." He walks around the room and starts to gather up everything.

I pull the carton of cigarettes from his hand. "The cigarettes are Marshall's. He almost gave up his life thanks to that crazy fucking bitch. Besides, Tara doesn't need to be smoking if she can't even get out of fucking bed. What you have is good enough. Go find Marshall."

Carson nods and heads down the hallway.

When Marshall walks in, I give him the carton.

"I've stated once before I do not have the points and I haven't exactly been out on any runs either."

"You were injured, and I'm feeling generous today, so anything else?

"Floss." Actually, this is another thing that goes fairly fast around here.

I pull it from the shelf and hand it over. "Here, and it ain't fucking cinnamon flavored either."

"Excellent. Thank you, Sir."

"How are you feeling, Marshall?" Sherry asks, stepping inside the room.

"Better, thank you for asking, Ms. Sherry," he smiles, leaving us alone.

"Are you fucking blushing?"

"It's his accent."

"Whatever you fucking say. Anyways, get some things for Dwight."

"He's still not better?"

I shake my head no.

"May I go see him?"

"Not on Tuesday's, you know this."

"I'm worried," she frowns.

"I'll send the Doctor in to check on him later."

"Thank you." Sherry is very particular about what she gets.

It used to annoy the fuck out of me, but I just go get something to eat now.

"I wrote it all down for you," Sherry says, handing me the paper when I come back into the room.

"Ugh, are you fucking done yet?" Rachel grumbles. "I've been waiting forever."

"Well guess what? Now you get to wait another week and next time watch how you fucking speak to Sherry," I snap.

Rachel stomps her foot, leaving the supply closet.

Sherry starts to laugh.

"Oh, you think that's funny? You should have seen the fit Amber threw. She fucking chunked a roll of toilet paper at me."

Sherry puts her hand to her chest and gasps. "Oh my gosh, how did you make it out alive?"

"Ha fucking ha. Get out."

Nicole walks in and folds her hands together. "Any luck?"

I lean over and pull a bag off of one of the trunks.

Her eyes light up. "I can't believe it," she smiles, scooping up the bag.

For months, I've been trying to find her a high school equivalency test and the books she'll need to study for it.

"I am so grateful." Nicole dropped out of school when she was sixteen to take care of her dying mother and younger siblings. She doesn't need a test to prove just how smart she is. In fact, I might very well be losing a wife soon. She's been training alongside our Doctor.

"Nicole, if you're really serious about becoming a Doctor, I want you to do it."

She gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you so much," she smiles, practically skipping from the room.

Joanna comes in and glares at me. "I want a fucking apology."

I look over my shoulder and then back at her. "I know you wouldn't **dare** speak to me like that, but I don't fucking see anyone else here."

"You hurt my feelings the way you treated me last night."

"Wanna fuck and make up?"

She lets out a quick breath and starts to cry.

"Please don't fucking do that shit," I frown.

"I don't even know why I came down here."

"Wait," I say, grabbing her arm.

She reaches back and slaps me.

"Ow, fuck!"

"I only agreed to this wife shit because I knew you'd protect me. I wouldn't have to worry about who is sneaking into my room in the middle of the night, trying to force me into something I didn't want. This whole time, he's been sleeping in the room next to mine."

"I have **never** forced myself on any of you-"

"You're so full of shit. You never stopped to think that telling me to lie there and shut up wouldn't make me the least bit uncomfortable? Barking commands out at me? Then you just fucking leave-"

"I was pretending you were Alice, okay? Fuck! Happy?" It was a stupid thing to fucking say, but I don't want her getting any ideas that I'm this fucking monster.

"The police officer?"

"Yeah," I mumble.

"Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad you were just thinking about another woman."

I use my thumb to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Joanna, I'm not that kind of man."

"I just-"

I cut her off and give her an awkward hug. "I'm sorry."

"I wanted to be mad at you, but now I can't."

"There are plenty of other things to be fucking mad at."

She looks me over and starts to laugh.

It's the way I'm standing, ass out, and hunched over.

"Wait until I tell the other girls I got a Negan hug."

"Do you have to?" I mumble, ending this ridiculous gesture.

"Maybe I'll have you do me a favor later in exchange for my silence."

"You won't be silent. I can guaran-goddamn-tee that," I smirk.

"In that case." She takes a few steps back and pulls a razor from the shelf.

"Yeah," I grin, raising my eyebrows up and down.

"Oh, and you won't mind me taking extra this week." She walks over to the shelf with the snacks on it. Joanna loves junk food. Mostly sugary pastries and snack cakes. "Here, work your mouth out on these for now," she smiles, handing me a bag of candy corn and giving me a kiss on the cheek before she leaves.

I shove the candy back on the shelf and wipe my cheek with my hand, smiring her lipstick across my face. "Fuck," I groan, trying again to get it off my face.

"Let me," Amber says, waiting for the okay to touch me.

I nod and turn my face to the side some.

"Can I have a dog?"

"No you can't have a fucking dog. The fuck's the matter with you?"

"It was worth a shot."

"I got the paint you asked for."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Carson has it."

Amber is actually an incredible artist.

I only found this out two months ago when she left her sketch pad out and I about broke my fucking neck tripping over it.

"Would it be okay if I did a mural?"

"As long as there's a bunch of big titties in it."

She puts her hand on her hip, glaring at me.

"What? There's tits in art! You can paint small ones, too."

"Negan."

"What kind of fucking mural, and where might you be putting this?"

"I'm not sure what it will be, but I'd like to put it in the cafeteria."

"Fine."

"I didn't think you'd be up for it! This is awesome," she smiles.

"But if I don't like it, it's gone."

"I don't care, I'm just happy to be able to paint again."

"Do you want to get a couple of things?" I point at the shelves.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you so much, Negan."

"Still don't like me?"

"You're kinda growing on me," she smiles.

"Send in Seth," I smirk.

...

I let out the most obnoxious yawn, then realize who is next. "Fuck."

Alice walks down the narrow hall, nervously knotting her hands together.

"What's wrong?"

"I fear encountering Donnie on Tuesdays," she frowns.

"Alice, you don't have to worry about him. As far as I'm concerned, that motherfucker is exiled. You will never see him again."

"Where did he go?"

"One of the outposts."

"He's not returning?"

"Never."

Her frown turns into a soft smile. "I never thanked you for helping me."

"You shouldn't have to thank me because it never should have fucking happened in the first place, and for that, I'm sorry." I lean over and grab a canvas duffel bag from a shelf. "I want you to go through here and fill up this bag with things you need or want."

"I only came for one item. I need to save my points for a room."

I almost fucking gave it to her then. "Alice, you don't have to spend your points for anything you put in this bag."

"I- I may pick anything?"

"If it'll fit."

"Thank you," she says in disbelief, taking the bag.

I follow her through the room as she looks over everything.

She stops right in front of the shampoo and sets the bag down. Alice grabs several bottles of shampoo and conditioner, then a few bars of soap. In fact, half this bag ends up being various bathroom products. She pops the lid on some lotion and smells it.

Fuck, yeah, I recognize that smell. Rachel uses this lotion.

"Ugh," she comments, putting it back on the shelf.

I can't help but laugh.

She finds another one and puts two in the bag.

"You really going to fill this bag up with this kind of shit?"

"You said if it fits."

"Alright, I'll be over here," I tell her, picking up one of the magazines and flipping through it. "What do you think about these?" I ask, turning it around.

She shakes her head at the completely naked woman in the magazine.

I snicker and flip the page.

"May I have this?"

"If it fits." I glance up from the magazine. "What the fuck?" I fling the magazine to the side and yank Lucille from the bag.

"She fits."

"I'm going to fit you in that fucking bag."

Alice seems pleased with herself.

"Wait a second, were you actually making a joke?"

"Am I successful?"

"Not if you have to fucking ask," I laugh.

She laughs softly to herself and continues rummaging through the supply closet.

* * *

I stretch out my arms, walking into the cafeteria. It's early enough that most people are still asleep. This way, I can eat breakfast in peace because I am not a fucking morning person. It's apparent when I run into one of the tables. "Ow, fuck," I grunt, rubbing my leg.

"Morning, Sir," Cindy smiles, laying my tray on the counter and setting a bowl of oatmeal on it.

"Any strawberries left?"

"No, they didn't do too well this year. I got you some blueberries though."

"What is that fucking smell?"

"We found a whole case of spam. Frying it up now. Do you want some?"

"God, no," I grumble, picking up my tray and finding a spot to sit. "That's hardly breakfast," I scoff at Alice's bag of peanuts that she picked from the supply room.

"I didn't have to spend my points on them, they'll suffice."

"Cindy," I yell.

"Is everything okay, Sir?"

"Bring Alice some breakfast."

"Right away."

I drop my tray on the table, sitting down. "It's just us today, I need you focused."

Alice closes her book and eagerly waits for her food.

"Be ready to go in an hour. Meet me in the courtyard."

"Very well."

I'll never understand her robotic tone, but it makes me chuckle because it's so ri-goddamn-diculous. Though I watch her in rare form the closer Cindy gets to us with her tray, like a child anxiously awaiting the ice cream truck. Then it makes me realize, this is the first time I've ever felt bad about the point system I've put in place. Especially for the way I've treated Alice. She never complains, but is that really an excuse for my negligence? It's my job to provide for these people and take care of them. Christ, this is upsetting my stomach.

"You look unwell."

How could she possibly tell there is something wrong with me? "I have a lot on my mind. It's fucking my stomach up."

"May I be of assistance?"

"No, Alice. You just eat, okay?"

"Yes, Sir." It doesn't take her long to finish and she's back to reading her book again.

It's so fucking strange to me that she's contempt on keeping to herself. The women here drive me fucking insane with the million questions or ridiculous drama.

"Morning," Sherry smiles, sitting beside me.

"I was just thinking about you."

Sherry leans over and plucks a blueberry from my bowl.

I roll my eyes and slide the bowl over to her.

"I'm not eating oatmeal if I don't have to, I'm waiting on them to finish frying the meat.

"That shit ain't fucking meat."

"You are so fucking picky."

I pull my bowl back. "I'm picky? Didn't you just spend fifteen fucking minutes picking out fucking scented lotion yesterday? Did I say anything?"

Sherry giggles, stealing another blueberry.

"Get your hands out of my food."

"'House of Leaves'? I haven't read that one," Sherry comments, ignoring me.

Alice says nothing, clutching the book tighter.

"Hey, don't be fucking rude. She's trying to read and you're interrupting her. You bitch every time I bother you," I say with a mouth full.

"It's not my fault you're a big baby and need to be taken care of." Sherry nudges my shoulder.

"That's your fucking job to take care of me or maybe you forgot your place."

"You are so unbearable in the morning. Go get laid."

"You offering?"

Sherry turns her head towards Alice only to find her walking out the front doors. "Was it something I said?"

I shovel another big bite into my mouth. "She doesn't like conversations about sex. Makes her uncomfortable."

Sherry laughs. "That sucks for you."

"Yeah, fucking tell me about it."

"How did you even find that out? She's so quiet."

"You don't even know the half of it. When she didn't respond to you, she wasn't being rude, she's just in her own world. The first time I took her on a run, just the two of us, she didn't speak for six hours. Six goddamn hours, Sherry."

"You were quiet for six hours?"

"Oh, no, I talked. She just didn't respond. Then she finally had enough of my mouth and put a knife to my dick."

Sherry throws her head back and laughs. "That must have been a sight to see."

"I didn't know whether to come or shit in my pants."

"Gross."

I stand up from the table. "Do yourself a favor and stay down here unless you want to see my twelve inch dick," I smirk.

"I have seen your dick and it's not twelve inches."

"You fucking checking me out, Sherry?"

"All the time."

"I think I'm blushing"

"Oh, bullshit," she laughs.

...

"I thought I told you to wait for me in the courtyard?"

"I did, for over an hour."

"Yeah," I start, laughing. "Rachel and Nicole wanted to tell me goodbye."

"Please spare me the details," Alice groans.

"Don't look at me like that. You're telling me, if given the chance, you wouldn't fuck two dudes?"

"I don't want to have intercourse and you're making me uncomfortable again."

"Stop saying intercourse for Christ's sake. It's fucking."

Alice looks away from me disgusted.

"Alright, so it's settled. You become my wife and I won't include them when we fuck, but Rachel will want to watch."

She doesn't even respond.

"Fine, they'll leave when we fuck, but Lucille stays."

"Stop!"

I let out a sigh. "Are you ever going to let me fuck you?"

"Sometimes I think you only say stuff like that to get a rise out of me."

"Come on! It's not like I don't fuck them and think of you. What's the difference?"

"Please be quiet."

"Yeah, that's right, tell me to shut the fuck up," I smirk.

"Oh, sure, because then you'll go on for an hour about how erect you are."

I bust out laughing.

She's less than amused.

"Please, Alice," I pout, "I'm practically on my fucking knees here."

"Look, I'll have this conversation with you under one condition. You act like an adult."

"I won't say a word if you let me fuck you."

Alice lets out a frustrated groan and starts walking again.

"Okay, wait," I call, catching up to her. "I'll behave."

"One vulgar obscenity to objectify-"

"Alice, I promise!

She sighs and folds her arms.

"Unfold your arms," I mock her in a robotic tone.

She drops them to her side, staring at me with such intensity. "You make fun of me and call me prude, but what you fail to understand is that the world we live in now, a man will take from me what does not belong to him and that is the reason I am so sensitive about this subject. You saw it first hand at the bar with those men."

"Well.. fuck," I frown. It's not that I fail to understand it. I know she has this idea about me but surely she knows that I hate sexual violence. "I think I get it. You want someone that's going to make love to you and all that bullshit?"

"If making love means not having someone ask me every other day if they can penetrate me or take me against my will, yes."

"I would **never** rape you," I sternly tell her.

"Nor would I **ever** imply that."

"Well it sounds like you did."

"I am sorry."

I raise my eyebrows up and down. "Want to make it up to me?"

She rolls her eyes and rubs her brow.

"Let's make a deal."

"I'm afraid to ask."

"I'll leave you alone if the next time you want to rub one out, you come find me. I mean, you can't hold out forever."

"Absolutely not."

"At least let me eat that pu-"

She slaps me hard across the face.

I grin. "You know all that shit does is turn me on more."

"Why can't you jus-" She covers her mouth and starts to sob into her hand.

I lose my smirk instantly. "Alice, Christ, I'm sorry."

She shoves me hard.

"Alic-"

"You just keep on and on," she yells, grabbing a knife.

"Hey, calm down!" I take a few steps back until I'm against one of the trees.

"How many times have I told you to stop?!" She throws one as it sticks in the tree right against my ear and quickly pulls another one from her vest.

I grab my ear to make sure it's all in one piece. "Fuck! Cut it out-"

"Shut up," she screams, slapping me as her knife slips out of her hand. "You're such a pig," she cries, dropping to the ground, searching for her knife.

I kneel down, grabbing her by the arm. "Alice, I'm sorry!"

She covers her face, continuing to cry. "I have always taken you with a grain of salt, but I can't do this anymore!"

I sigh and move my hand up to her shoulder. "Okay, just calm down, please."

She pulls her shoulder away from my grip.

"Alice, look, I know it doesn't mean much, but there are things that I do for you that I would never do for another person, especially for a woman."

"Like what?"

"Converse."

She looks up at me and pushes her eyebrows together.

"Well, it's the truth," I murmur, "you make me laugh. Why else would I come out here just with you? I have to do all the work anyways."

She opens her mouth to speak, but gets her knife.

For years I've just been use to people doing whatever order I bark out without being questioned. I jerk her other knife from the tree and hand it to her.

She puts them away and sniffs up her nose.

"Were you really going to gut me?"

"Yeah, I was."

"Goddamn, you're sexy," I grin, running my hand down the front of my mouth.

"You're an idiot," she mumbles.

I put my hand back on her shoulder. "For what it's worth, I'm glad your shit plan to blow your brains out didn't work that day I found you."

She wipes the tears from her face, bringing her eyes up to mine, then comes the blank look of hers.

I'll never understand how she does this. "No one's ever forced you into anything have they? Vic? Seth? Dwight?"

"No."

"Did Tara?"

She cracks a smile, starting to laugh. "If Tara ever heard you talk like that, she'd probably finish what I didn't."

I raise my eyebrow, grabbing my balls. "So, how do I get on your good side?"

"You are on my good side."

"I find that extremely hard to fucking believe."

"When you don't talk, you're not so bad."

"So you like mutes. What else?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "what do you like?"

"I'm pretty sure my list would offend you."

"What do you like best about each of your wives?"

"They're easy."

"Oh."

"Alice, it's not wife in the literal sense. We don't have anniversaries or any of that bullshit. They're just something warm to spill in to and I'm their meal ticket."

"I see," she says, picking at the grass. "What about all the good things in a relationship?"

"What good things?" I scoff, folding my arms.

"Like lying next to someone at night?"

"First off, I don't sleep with women. Second, the girls sleep in the parlor which is separate from my bedroom because mine is forbidden for them to enter."

"What else isn't allowed?"

"Infidelity and kissing."

"You don't like kissing?"

"I'm all for watching two women kiss."

"Of course you are." She rolls her eyes.

"I never pegged you for the romantic type," I tell her.

"I'm not."

"What's all that kissing and cuddling talk then?" I ask, helping her up.

"If you've never done it, you wouldn't know."

I raise my eyebrows up and down at her.

She sighs and makes sure to hit me with her bag when she puts it on.

"Dick," I laugh, shoving her.

* * *

"What's with that goofy fuck on your shirt?" I ask Connor.

"It's the singer of a punk band I like."

"Ugh," I groan, "I hate music."

"What," he starts to laugh, "who doesn't like music?"

"It just reminds me of my mom singing to me to try and calm me down after a broken bone."

"Violent as a kid, too, huh?"

"Yeah," I lie.

"People like us, we were born for a world like this."

"I don't really see much difference between the two."

"You gonna make that new girl a wife?"

"Stay away from Alice," I threaten.

"The cop?" Connor seems disgusted. "That bitch looks comatose. I ain't into that shit."

I relax my fist. "What new girl are you talking about?"

"Molly." Connor points across the courtyard. "Seth and the robot found her this morning."

I narrow my eyes, watching the girl talk with Sherry. "Sherry," I yell, motioning for her to come here.

She brings Molly with her. "I was just telling her about the point system."

"Sure you were," I grumble.

"This is our leader, Negan," Sherry says.

"I'm Molly," she smiles at me.

I cross my arms so she doesn't do anything like shake my hand.

"I'm not too handy with a gun but Sherry said that y'all have a garden? I'm actually a botanist. I know it ain't much to offer," Molly laughs awkward.

"Connor will show you around," I tell her.

"Thanks," he smirks at me.

"Nice to meet y'all," Molly says and leaves with Connor.

"Nice to fucking meet you?" I scoff.

"She's just being polite. I'm sure she's nervous," Sherry tells me. "Are you interested in her?"

"No."

She looks relieved.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Stiff."

I laugh as she joins me. "Let's go upstairs, I'll start a hot bath for you."

"That's too much work."

"It's heating up water from a fire."

She folds her hands together.

I know she's been wanting to see Dwight ever since he got sick. "Don't let anyone see you, Sherry."

She smiles up at me, then goes inside.

I start for the door myself when Alice catches my eye.

She's standing close to the fence looking the newly added undead over.

"Not hungry?" I ask, standing behind her.

"No."

"When's the last time you've had something to eat?"

She doesn't answer me.

"Alice."

"I'll be in later. There's always a long line anyhow."

"Not if you're with me," I smirk. I don't get a response from her. "You're really starting to piss me off and I was in a good fucking mood."

"Leave me be!"

I take hold of her shoulder and spin her around. "Don't y-" I grab her chin, tilting her face upward. "What happened to your eye?"

It's swollen and it's starting to bruise. She moves out of my grip.

"I won't ask twice."

"The men that attacked Molly. One of them hit me several times before I was able to kill him."

"Why didn't you fucking tell me? Seth didn't say anything about this. He should have **protected** you," I yell.

"There were several men that attacked us. Seth did protect me."

I move her face up more to get another look. "I want you to train with Marshall some. You're damn good from a distance, but not one on one."

She nods and blushes.

"Nothing to be embarrassed about. All of us have a weakness," I say, letting go of her face.

"What's your weakness?"

"Big tits," I smirk.

She ignores me. "Why won't you train me?"

"It'd turn me on too much letting you rough me up."

She just stares blankly at me.

"You seriously want me to train you?"

She nods. "I will train with Marshall as well."

"Alright, but when I'm pitching a tent, poking you and shit, I warned you," I smirk, walking back to Sanctuary.

* * *

"Full house," Carson smirks, pressing his cards to the table.

Groans and sighs fill the table.

"Check his fucking sleeves for cards," Seth demands.

"Do not touch me," Carson threatens.

"Here you go, Negan," Joanna smiles, setting down a glass of whiskey on the table.

Connor stands up abruptly, fixing his hair. "Uh, hi, Ma'am."

"Connor," Joanna smiles.

"You know my name?"

She lets out a flirty giggle and keeps walking.

I bust out laughing, throwing myself back in my chair. "Oh my fucking god, you can't be serious right now." I continue to laugh, holding my sides as if I ate too much.

Connor clears his throat and slithers back down in his seat. "I was just trying to be respectful," he mumbles.

"Ma'am?" Marshall asks, ashing his cigarette.

"Shut up, Marshall with your.. Ms. Sherry," he mocks Marshall's thick southern accent, tipping a fake hat.

"I was raised to treat a lady with respect. You just sound like a moron."

"And that was the worst fucking impression I've ever heard," I scoff.

Connor grabs his cards. "Let's just fucking play."

"Actually," I smirk, leaning over the table, "I'd like to know what all that was about."

His eyes nervously shift over to mine. "It's nothing."

"Bullshit."

"I would do the most degrading things to be able to fuck her."

Everyone at the table goes silent.

"On second thought, maybe I'll leave," Connor says, standing up as his chair scrapes across the floor.

I grab him by his jacket and force him back down in the chair. "Calm the fuck down. Let's ask everyone else what they think. If you all could fuck any of my wives, who would it be?"

"Joanna," they all say in unison.

"I'd fuck Tara before Joanna though," Seth comments.

"Really, Seth?" I laugh.

"Oh, hell yeah!"

"Tara would probably eat your fucking heart after she's done with you," Connor replies disgusted.

"I'll agree with Connor on that one," Marshall laughs.

"I second that, or third it, whatever," Carson shudders.

Marshall lights another cigarette and leans back in his chair. "Trixie."

I let out a sigh. "Waste of fucking time with that one."

"I can't help it, redheads just do it for me," he shrugs.

"Well, we should probably skip Carson," Connor laughs.

"Hey, I've had my share of women," he defends himself.

"You mean men?" Seth chimes in.

"Seth, what do you know about getting women? The only pussy you've ever had was your moms on the way out," I jeer.

They all laugh.

"Man, what-the-fuck-ever," he mutters, folding his arms.

"Let's have it, Carson. If you could fuck anyone here, who would it be?" I smirk.

"Alice," he replies, pushing up his glasses.

I lose my smirk real quick. The little shit, and after I defended him.

"I rest my fucking case," Seth says, "no, thank you."

"Ugh, she doesn't do a thing for me either," Connor agrees.

"I'm with Carson on this one. Definitely Alice," Marshall exhales, then takes another long drag.

Speaking of, Alice walks past the table and goes over to the kitchen.

"There's your girl," Connor nudges Carson.

"Leave Alice alone," I demand.

"Don't cock block the man," Connor laughs.

"Stop it," Carson says.

"Yeah, you're embarrassing him in front of his girlfriend," Seth mocks.

"Wait a second." Connor narrows his eyes and turns his head so he's looking at me. "You'd fuck Alice, too. That's why you always get so defensive every time one of us says anything about her!"

"I don't get defensive," I yell.

"Sound pretty defensive right now," Seth points out.

"Seth, shut the fuck up," I shout.

"If you want to fuck her so bad, why not make her a wife?" Connor shrugs.

"He can't force her to be his wife," Carson argues.

"He can do anything he wants," Connor retorts.

"I should have just gone to fucking sleep," Seth mumbles.

Carson gets up from the table.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"You'll see," he boasts and when he turns around, he bumps into Alice and spills her food everywhere. "I'm sorry!" he frowns, kneeling down and feeling for his glasses.

"I'm sorry, Carson, did I break your glasses?" Alice panics, picking them up from her food.

"It's my fault! Let me make you more food," Carson blushes.

"I can't watch this pathetic shit anymore. I'm leaving to actually fuck, instead of talking about it. Have fun jerking each other off," I say, dropping my cards to the table and going up stairs.

* * *

When I step outside Sanctuary, I find Marshall showing Alice a few tricks to defend herself. It's fucking hilarious because he is using Vic to show her.

"Ow, fuck," Vic groans, grabbing his face.

"Your turn, Ms. Alice," Marshall instructs.

I frown when she isn't able to fight Vic off.

Alice sighs as Marshall helps her up. "Surely you can utilize your time better."

"Listen to me," Marshall starts, brushing the dirt from her hands, "it's not just about protecting yourself. It puts a burden on the rest of the group when we have to look after you." He sets his hand on her shoulder. "I don't mean that to upset you, but if you're going to clear, we have to be able to count on you. Now try again."

"Alright." Alice readies herself and not only does she disarm Vic, but she gets him to the ground, putting her knee against his throat. "I did it," she says in disbelief.

I smile, feeling relieved.

"Can't. Fuckin'. Breathe," Vic gasps.

As much as I want to see Vic used as a punching bag, we need to get going. We'll be spending the next few days in down town Alexandria. While being gone longer means more supplies, it takes a toll on me because I don't sleep anywhere but my own bed, alone. I'm hesitant to take Vic with me, though I have little choice in the matter. I need Connor to stay here and keep an eye on things since Dwight and Tara are still ill.

Sherry rubs my arm. "You look worried."

This will be the longest I have ever been away from Sanctuary.

"I'm fine."

"Can I get you anything, Negan?" Amber asks.

"No. Look I know you want to work on that mural, but you need to stay in the parlor. All of you girls do."

They both nod in agreement.

"Here you are, Sir." Carson hands me the inventory list.

"Carson, I want you to stay in the parlor. Please protect my girls while I'm gone."

"Yes, Sir. You have my word."

Sherry becomes a little teary eyed, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "You take care of yourself, okay?" She straightens my jacket by the lapels.

I let out a laugh, stilling her hands.

"Be careful, Negan," Amber tells me, kissing my cheek, too.

Sherry pulls her hands from me and puts her arm around Amber as the girls walk back inside.

"If it's not too much trouble, I could use a new pair of shoes. If you happen to find some while you're out."

"Size 10?"

"Yes, Sir."

I reach into my pocket and give him my keys. "I'm counting on you, Carson."

"I won't let you down. I'll protect them with my life."

Sherry's right. I need to start having a level of trust within my men. Well, except Vic. Something about that motherfucker doesn't seem right. "Load up," I shout at them.

"Do you want me to drive, Sir?" Marshall asks.

"Yeah, and Vic, you're up in front." There is no fucking way in hell I am letting him sit with Alice.

She seems to be happy with my decision anyways, even scooting over a little closer than she should be.

"Ms. Alice, do you mind if I smoke?"

"I don't mind," she says, pulling her notebook out of her backpack and clicking her pen.

"Maybe I fucking mind."

Marshall looks unamused at me in the rear view mirror.

I laugh, resting my arm over the back of the seat.

...

Alice lets out a quick gasp as she's looking her map over.

"What's wrong?"

She leans over, pressing her hands to my leg as she looks out the window.

I clear my throat.

"May we stop here, please?"

Marshall slows down the truck.

I stick my head out the window and notice the used book store up ahead.

"Alright. Marshall, pull over."

"Fuckin' seriously? I asked if we could stop back at that liquor store and you said no," Vic shouts.

Alice gets out of the truck.

I lean over. "When I wanna stick my dick in you, we'll do anything you want. Until then, shut the fuck up, Vic."

Seems I've offended Marshall as he slams the door shut.

"I'm fuckin' stayin' here," Vic grumbles, getting comfortable.

There's a few undead that we take out as we make our way to the book store.

Marshall jams his machete in the crack of the door and pops it open.

"Thank you," she beams, hurrying inside.

He puts his hand against the frame of the door to keep me from going inside. "Sir, I don't usually question you, but if I were you, I'd keep Vic happy."

"Fuck Vic."

He pulls the door shut. "I don't fucking trust him. **At all**. I think he plays dumb and thinks we're just as dumb by believing it. Alice told me what happened that day you found him. Funny how his tough guy routine went out the fucking window. Coincidence much? Maybe I'm wrong, but you need to keep her close to you. That was a big mistake telling him you want to fuck her. Especially, when she still sleeps outside."

I pull my knife out and start back for the truck.

"Whoa," he yells, pulling the knife from my hands. "I said I didn't trust him, it doesn't mean we kill him. Look, we can split up after she's done in here. I'll go with Vic and you take her."

"There's a Beretta in the glove box, under the first aid kit. Take it with you and don't hesitate to use it on him."

"Hopefully it doesn't come to that."

"Just more space on the truck if it does."

...

"Goddamn," I laugh.

"Will you help me?"

I grip Alice's knife and yank it from the undead.

She really stuck this one in there.

I notice the shoe store next to us. "Alice, head down the street, see what you can find. I gotta make a stop in here first for someone."

She nods in agreement.

I wander inside the shoe store, pushing over one of the racks. Damn, nothing's in here. That's disappointing for Lucille. This entire area is way too fucking quiet. There's not much to pick from, but I end up finding a pair of black sneakers. I shove them down into my bag and turn around to someone's fist. "Fuck," I grunt, spitting blood on the concrete.

He pulls a gun on me. "Give me your-"

I silence him with one swing to the throat from Lucille. Fearing for Alice, I run out of the store and down the street. Where the fuck did she go? I notice movement in the bridal boutique. I stop right before I open the glass door.

She's looking herself over in the mirror in one of the white lace dresses. Her hands run down the front of the dress as she turns to the side some.

I grab the front of my pants situating myself. She goes back in the dressing room and it's a good thing before I start humping this glass. I let go of the handle on the door and decide to see if there are any maps in the tourist center for Carson and Alice. I'm startled by Vic and Marshall.

"Jumpy much?"

"There was some fuck who pulled a gun on me in the shoe store."

"Yeah, we ran into that group. That must have been the guy who got away," Marshall informs me. "Where's Alice?"

I look over at Vic.

He's preoccupied, running his finger over one of the big maps. Probably looking for a liquor store.

"She's in one of the stores. You find anything?

"Yeah, lots of good shit. I figured we'll head down King Street."

"Alright, then we'll call it a day." I put a few maps in my bag and we leave.

Alice is standing in the middle of the street. She points up at the darkening sky.

"Looks like we don't have much time. Let's make this quic-"

Marshall takes off west down King Street.

"What the fuck?"

He jumps up 4 steps and kicks open the door of this building.

"Oh, it's the tobacco store," I laugh.

Marshall drops to his knees, kissing the floor.

"Alright, I've seen enough, I'm going across the street."

Alice follows me into the street.

"Stay here, Alice."

"I'm not really interested in that store."

"Well, you're sure as shit not going to be interested in this one." I point at the window.

She stops and frowns at the mannequin in lingerie.

I laugh as I go inside. My jaw practically hits the ground. This place is three floors. The girls are going to fucking love me. Luckily for them I'm an expert at this shit as I thumb through the racks for their sizes. I pull them off the rack as they start to pile up in the floor. The basement has some of the kinkiest shit I have ever fucking seen, including a cage. "Lucille, you see this shit?"

...

"The fuck?" I tilt my head some. "No fucking way," I laugh, pulling a toy from the shelf. I thought it was a joke, but then I realize what it is. I drop the box on the ground. I ain't about to start fucking silicone. Well, unless it belongs to Joanna. Besides, none of these 'toys' can even compare to the gratification I get from Lucille. I was having a better time on the floor with the lingerie. There's a trunk that I pick up to put all the girls' stuff I found, along with a few other surprises for them. How long have I fucking been in this store? I reach out and run my fingers over a red satin corset on one of the mannequins. What a shame I can't fuck Alice in this. This would fit her perfectly. Shit, I need to leave before I start fucking these mannequins. I drag the trunk from the store to find they've already pulled the truck up and have loaded it up with the stuff from the tobacco shop as well as everything else we've scavenged.

"What did you find?" Marshall asks.

I slide the trunk inside and pull down the rolling door. "Did you know they make these toys that you can fuck?"

"For like ten years now. Where have you been?" Vic scoffs.

"Fucking actual women. Not sticking my dick in plastic," I retort.

Marshall laughs, ashing his cigarette.

"Or Alice, apparently," Vic snickers.

"The fuck did you say to me?"

"Alright, calm down," Marshall referees.

"I said, you ain't fuckin' Alice neither."

I reach back and punch Vic in the temple.

Vic hits me back and much to my surprise, it ain't no slap across the face.

I wipe the blood from my eye and kick him in the stomach.

"Knock it off," Marshall yells.

Vic shoves Marshall and hits me twice before I grab his arm and put him into a head lock, face first in the ground. "Anything else you wanna fucking say?"

"Fuck you!"

"No, fuck you!" I hit him in the ribs.

"You fucking pussy, you can't even take a joke!"

Marshall finally manages to separate us. "Cool the fuck down!"

I fling open my door and climb inside.

Alice looks up from her notebook.

I can't focus on anything but that sucker between her lips.

She pulls it slowly from her mouth, inspecting my face before she leans up front to get the first aid kit from the glove box.

My eyes gravitate towards her ass. Fuck me. I have to restrain myself from grabbing it, but it's right fucking there. I'm lucky she sits down before I get a stab wound, too.

It doesn't take her but a few minutes to clean my face up. She presses a piece of gauze to my eyebrow.

I let out a painful grunt, moving my face away.

"This is going to cause discomfort, too." She wipes it with a small damp pad.

"Fuck! It burns like a motherfucker!"

"Hold still." She takes me by the back of my head and softly blows on my eyebrow.

I could have had my goddamn hand severed completely off and wouldn't have cared at this moment. It was the only time I didn't mind feeling like a child. Those lips of hers, pushed together, stained a bright red from her cherry sucker. I can think of something else to put between those lips.

"Better?"

I nod because if I open my mouth, she's going to slap me and ruin all the work she's done.

"I should have been outside, not in the truck."

"You didn't need to be out there. Vic said something vulgar about you. It pissed me off, so I hit him. Who would have thought that motherfucker could throw a punch."

She's bothered by it and even apologizes.

I cautiously bring my hand up to her face, running the tip of my index finger down a scar by her ear.

She's stills her breathing.

"What's that from?"

Alice pulls my hand away, shaking her head.

"I told you about the scars on my hands."

She chews on her lip for a second, seeming reluctant to say anything.

"Even if you tell me, I'm not going to get the truth, am I?"

"It was a long time ago."

"Can't be that long ago."

"If you hit Vic for saying something vulgar, you're not going to like the truth about this."

I grit my teeth, quickly looking away from her. She didn't have to say it. What kind of a fucking coward puts his hands on a woman? "Was it one of my men?"

"No."

Did that really make it any better? Goddammit!

Alice lightly touches my shoulder, pressing her lips to my cheek.

It was like every nerve in my body reacted. I know this doesn't come easy for her. It sure as fuck isn't easy for me. Affection, to me, is a sign of weakness, but I didn't exactly try and stop or fight it.

She lingers for a few seconds before pulling away, letting go of my shoulder. "Thank you for not making me uncomfortable about the adult store, Sir."

I regret ever demanding she call me that.

"May I offer you some candy?" She gestures the bag at me.

I shake my head no. It's funny that when she's speaks, if you can call it that, I can't really find the words to respond.

"Vic is going to ride in the back of the truck," Marshall says, shutting his door. "I'll make his ride as shitty as possible."

"Seat belt," Alice instructs me.

* * *

"You still weirded out?" Alice walked in on me jerking off with Lucille this morning.

"I'm fine."

"Ha! It'll be a cold day in hell before I believe a woman that says she's fine."

"Couldn't you wait to do that until we got back?"

"I couldn't help it. I kept thinking about you in that white dress and.. fuck me."

"White dress?" She thinks about it for a second, then blushes. "You weren't supposed to see that."

"What are you trying those on for?"

"When will I ever get another chance to?"

"I've been asking you to be my wife since day fucking one."

"Not wife in the traditional sense, right?"

"I'll put every one of those goddamn dresses in the truck right now."

"Stop," she laughs.

"We didn't find a fucking thing in there but undead," Marshall mumbles, flinging the blood from his machete. "Pardon my language, Ms. Alice."

She smiles softly at him.

I'm hoping he killed Vic with that until I see him come out of the building. Today has been shitty as fuck. We haven't found fuck all and that means we'll have to stay here longer.

"Keep east," Alice instructs us, yet she starts south.

"Do you want to split up?" Marshall asks.

"Hold on," I shout back at them, catching up to Alice.

"Alice, there isn't much down this way and we're getting close to 495."

"I know."

"So, why are you going this way?"

She stops and puts her knife into her vest. "There's something I need to do over here."

"Like what?"

"The sheriff's station is right there."

"You ain't going alone."

"If we all go, they are going to realize I am not a police officer. I feel safer knowing they think I'm one."

"I'll take you then."

"What did you decide, Sir?"

"Alice and I are going inside the station. You two wait here and keep watch." I expected the place to be overrun, but it's quiet, which is never a good fucking sign.

Alice clicks on her flashlight and continues down the hall. After a few minutes, she finds what she's looking for. "Where do you think they hide the keys?"

I move her to the side some and kick the door in.

"Thank you," she laughs softly and goes inside. Alice inspects all of the names on the lockers until she finds the one she's looking for. She lets out a sigh of relief when she opens the door.

I have a seat on the bench behind her. "You know this person?"

"A friend of mine." She pulls out another vest.

Ah, Christ. Not another vest. "You already have one of those."

"No, mine is just a vest with pockets to keep my knives. This is an actual bulletproof vest." Alice unzips the vest she has on now, setting it at her feet.

"Do you want some help?"

"No." She starts to unbutton her shirt and puts it in the locker, along with her tie.

"I won't make you uncomfortable."

She slips the bulletproof vest on over her white undershirt.

I curl my finger around the loop on her pants and pull her back some. "Come on, surely that's easier with help."

She turns around and swallows hard. "Alright."

I'd love to pull her in my lap and fuck her right here.

"Well?"

"Sorry my mind is somewhere else. Come closer to me." When she does, I move her so she's in between my legs. I take off my gloves, stuffing them into my pocket.

"The straps to tighten the vest are velcro. Not too tight please."

Actually, I can tease her a bit while I do this. I make sure my thumb lightly grazes her neck as I tighten the first strap.

She tilts her neck to the side some, clearing her throat.

As I reach for the other shoulder strap, I move her pony tail off her shoulder.

She looks to the side as she starts to fidget.

I move my hands to her waist and start tightening those. "Is that too tight?"

She shakes her head no.

The more I tighten each one, the more her white under shirt starts to ride upward. I set my hand on her hip, running my thumb over her soft skin.

"I can do the rest. I'll be right back." She hurries into the restroom.

I go after her because I am so fucking close.

She's leaned over, hands pressed against the countertop.

The sound of my boot scuffing the floor startles her.

Alice turns around abruptly. "I said I could do the rest, why did you follow me?"

"You fucking know why I followed you, Alice."

She shakes her head, backing up into the counter. "That's far enough," she instructs.

I ignore her, taking a step closer.

"Negan, I'm serious-"

"Bullshit!" I click on the flashlight, shining it in her eyes. "You should see how big your pupils are."

"It's a reaction to the light, don't flatter yourself."

"And the blushing? That a reaction to the light, too? Goddammit, why can't you just admit it?"

She pulls the flashlight from my hand.

I pull it right back, dropping it to the floor.

"Please stop," she begs me.

"No, because I don't fucking believe you when you say you want me to stop!"

She presses her hand to my chest when I close the space between us.

"You could have put that vest on yourself."

"You offered to help."

"Admit that you were fucking enjoying it just as much as I was."

She shakes her head no.

"There is nothing wrong with it. It doesn't make you anything other than human." I lightly press my fingers to her arms, running them up her skin.

Her breathing grows short.

I can feel the goosebumps on her skin. "The points would go away. You'd never go a day without eating. Your own room where it's safe." I grab hold of her cheeks. "Alice, I can give you all these things if you say the word."

I could feel her skin warm as the blood rushes to her cheeks.

The word was right there on the tip of her tongue.

"Say it, Alice."

Within a split second, the moment is over. We're both startled by the screeching sound of a siren from one of the police cars.

Alice runs back into the locker room.

"Fuck," I yell, snatching the flashlight.

Alice quickly shoves several things from the locker into her bag, then throws on her shirt and finishes getting dressed.

"Alice, hurry!" I run out of the locker room and down the hall. "Alice!"

"I'm hurrying!" She comes running down the hall.

I push open the main doors, letting her run out first.

"Sir," Alice panics.

"Holy mother of fuck!"

It's a fucking herd unlike anything I have ever seen.

I grab her by her vest, pulling her back some.

She loses her footing and falls to the ground. "My ankle," she cries.

I swing Lucille as hard as I can, knocking several out of the way, then pick Alice up. I've never seen this many goddamn undead in one fucking place before. I kick the undead over in front of me and hurry around the corner, down the parking lot.

Marshall and Vic are at the police car as the siren blares.

"What the fuck?" I give Alice to Marshall.

"The goddamn thing won't fuckin' turn off," Vic yells from the car.

I pull him out through the open window by his arm and shove him to the ground.

"Please don't kill me," he cowers.

"The herd is coming," Alice panics.

"Oh, Christ," Marshall says in disbelief, taking a few steps back.

"Get up," I demand, grabbing Vic by the throat.

"We gotta go!" Marshall grabs his machete off the police cruiser.

We run south.

"What is that fucking noise?" Vic asks.

It sounds like bombs are being set off and the farther we go south, the louder it becomes.

Marshall stops dead in his tracks.

"Come on," I yell at him.

His eyes widen as he looks straight up.

Alice has the same reaction.

I stop and slowly bring my eyes upward. "Jesus Christ."

The undead are actually walking right off the freeway. The noise is the sound of them hitting the concrete. Another herd is coming up from the south.

"Back the fuck up, we can't go this way!" I point east. "Vic, up in front."

Things just keep getting worse. Roads are blocked by debris or even worse, undead.

"What do we do?" Vic says out of breath.

"Marshall, put me down. Let me lead."

"Ms. Alice, I don't think this is a good idea," he argues, setting her down.

"Alice, let Marshall carry you," I tell her.

She shakes her head no, pulling out a knife.

Several undead enter the construction site behind us.

Alice hurries ahead, leading us out of this fucking maze of rubble and equipment.

Why are there so fucking many undead? And they're fucking every way we go. I am so goddamn turned around. It seems like we are going in a circle.

Alice stops. "Every way is impassable. We need to pick a direction and fight through."

"There's too fucking many of them." The initial herd from the station and the one from the south have combined. There has to be four hundred of these fucks. We have been running for two miles and there's still no fucking end in sight. I'm worried about Alice's foot, she can't keep running on it.

"You'd think they'd fuckin' slow down or some shit," Vic grunts, grabbing his ribs.

"Shut the fuck up," I yell, grabbing him by his shirt. "This is all your fucking fault! What the hell were you doing in that car?"

"It was a fuckin' accident! I was trying to hotwire the damn thing and it went off."

I shove him against a building.

"Stop fighting! This isn't the time. Exhaust that energy on clearing the undead," Alice says.

"I'm going to find another way through this shit," Marshall tells us.

"There is **no** other way," Alice raises her voice, grabbing Marshall's arm. "Listen to me. We can't go back and fight through that herd. Head east down Green Street. Trust me."

There's at least fifty grouped together ahead but it's better than the four hundred or so behind us. "Shoulder to shoulder," I instruct them. "Head down Green like she said. Alice, get between Marshall and me."

"Yes, Sir."

"Here comes that fuckin' herd behind us," Vic points.

I press my hand against Alice's cheek. "Just like that day outside the bar, okay, Alice?"

She pulls out one of her shorter knives and nods.

"I will protect you," I mouth

"I know," she whispers.

I let go of her face and look at Marshall.

He gives me a nod. Marshall has the best melee skills out of any of my men. I know he will do everything he can to protect Alice, too.

"On three."

Vic gets a sip from his flask.

"One."

Marshall takes a long drag off his cigarette before throwing it to the road.

"Two."

Alice clings to her vest where the picture of her sister is tucked into her shirt pocket.

"Three!"

As we fight for our lives, all of us have the same look of fear. The only future we're going to see, is through the eyes of the undead.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N I hope everyone is enjoying this so far. There's some smut towards the end of this chapter. Blame Negan.**

* * *

"There's no way around, I've checked twice," Marshall informs us.

I grab Vic by the back of his shirt. "I've got a fucking way out and guess who's distracting the herd while we make a run for it?"

"Look, it was an accident, I already fuckin' told you that!"

Alice runs to us, pointing east. "The herd is moving!"

East is the last fucking place I want to be trapped because we're going to be cut off by the water. "Is it that same herd?"

"They've combined with another one," she shouts back at us.

That was the same thing Marshall said when he first got back. Several deer run ahead of us which isn't a good sign either. "The undead were feeding on them, they must be looking for the rest," Marshall huffs.

I can see the ocean starting to close in on us. We're out of room.

"Camper," Alice shouts, veering to the left some.

I don't want to be trapped, but I ain't going swimming across some fucking body of water.

Alice trips, crashing to the ground.

Undead come around the camper, reaching for her.

She throws her knife killing one.

Another one falls on top of her.

"Alice," I yell.

Marshall tackles the undead from Alice.

I swing Lucille, killing two before I scoop her up.

She wraps her arms around my neck. "Thank you," she whines.

I lean over and retrieve her knife, slipping it in my back pocket.

"They're coming," Vic panics, finally catching up to us.

"Keep your fucking voice down!"

"The door's open," Marshall says.

"Inside, hurry," I instruct them.

Marshall quietly makes his way to the camper's bathroom and opens the door. "We're alone."

"Is there anything we can fucking use?"

His eyes light up when he opens one of the cabinets.

There's several gallon jugs of water on the counter which means the four of us should be alright for a few days if need be. The people who had been living here also have a stockpile of food. I set Alice down on the small L shaped couch. "Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking sweat shop in here," I grunt, taking my jacket off and laying it down next to her. I reach up and open both of the roof vents. It lets some light in because all the windows have been boarded up or have newspaper taped to the glass.

Vic sets his backpack on the couch and plops down, catching his breath.

Alice stands up and lets out a whine.

"Sit down," I tell her.

She ignores me and grabs one of the jugs of water off the counter, limping into the bathroom.

"Last time I was in something this cramped it was jail and I think my cell was bigger than this," Vic mutters, folding his arms.

I roll my eyes, setting Alice's knife on the table before having a seat at it.

"What were you in for?" Marshall asks, sitting across from me.

"Assault with a deadly weapon and Grand Larceny. Lucky for me, things went to hell before I did any real time."

"I don't know if I'd call that luck," Marshall laughs. He picks up Alice's knife and looks it over. "This thing is kind of heavy."

I pull it from his hands. "I don't know how she throws them in the first fucking place. Vic, why don't you stand against the door and we'll use you as target practice to try and figure it out?"

"Fuck you, Negan."

Marshall instantly flips a switch, going into his parental mode. "Chill the fuck out, both of you. We don't need a fucking repeat of yesterday."

Vic unscrews the lid on his vodka and takes several swigs.

Maybe he'll drink himself unconscious and we can leave his ass behind.

…

Marshall digs in his pocket and pulls out his pack of cigarettes. He lets out a defeated sigh when it's empty. "Fuck!"

"Looks like it's a good time to quit," I laugh.

He leans back, running his hands down his face. "If I don't find a smoke, I'm going to lose my goddamn mind." He gets up from the benched seat and starts looking through all the drawers and cabinets.

I might lose my mind, too. I'm bored as fuck. "Not exactly cigarettes."

He groans, setting a can of Vienna sausages on the table and has a seat.

"How do you fucking eat that shit?" I asked repulsed.

Marshall looks the can over like he forgot what he picked from the cabinet. "Shit? These are good!"

Alice comes out of the bathroom and puts the unopened bottle of water on the counter.

"How did you wash your hair without any water?" Vic questions her.

"There's a five gallon bottle in the bathroom," she responds, opening up the cabinet.

I shoot him a glare.

He clears his throat and looks away from me. "I'm getting shitfaced and passing the fuck out."

My eyes shift over to Alice when she keeps on rummaging through the cabinets. "It ain't like there's much to fucking pick from."

She closes the cabinet. "I thought there was a can of, oh," she cuts herself off when she sees Marshall has it.

He gestures the can at her.

"No, that's alright."

He sets the can down on the table and scoots it to her.

"You two are so fucking gross," I say disgusted and get up to go into the bathroom to take a piss. I need to come up with a plan to get us the fuck home and I need to do it while keeping in mind that Vic is a hindrance. If he's going to try anything, it will be the second we leave. He knows he's outnumbered here. When I come back, Marshall is laying down on the couch.

Alice is sitting at the table writing in her notebook.

I sit down across from her. "How does your ankle feel?"

"Unpleasant."

"Give it to me."

She shakes her head no.

"Why? That makes no fucking sense."

"You're going to take my boot and sock off, correct?"

"That's the idea."

Alice looks away from me.

"Oh, I get it. You're all self-conscious and shit."

"We've been running all day."

"Didn't you just clean up?"

"I washed my hair."

"Just give me your fucking foot!"

She lets out a soft whine, moving her foot up.

"Are you fucking pouting?" I take a hold of her foot and set it on my thigh, untying the laces.

"No," she murmurs. "I'm glad you're amused at my expense."

"I'm very fucking amused, not at your ankle though, that would be fucked up." I pull off her sock, stuffing it in the boot.

"What amuses you about this situation then?"

I run my hand up her ankle and back down. "The whine you gave. It's funny to hear it come from you because you're so, well, Alice like."

"Lacking emotion?" Her eyes shift skyward. "Yes, I have been told this my entire life."

"So you've always been like this?"

"Hence my entire life."

"Hence don't be a smart ass."

She lets out a long sigh.

"Seems I've hit a nerve."

"Your comment implies I'm arrogant."

"You are arrogant."

"Do you know the definition of arrogant?"

"Do you?"

Her eyes burn at me for a second before her brow wrinkles. She starts to fidget with her hands some.

I know, by now, that means she's feeling vulnerable. "Alice, you're thinking about it like it's a bad thing."

"How can one perceive arrogance as anything other than in a negative connotation?"

Fuck, this conversation is starting to go way over my head. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad, it's just the way you are. There's nothing wrong with it."

"I just figure if I have nothing to say, people will make up their own generalizations about me. This way I reveal nothing about myself."

"I understand what it's like when people want in, but all you want is to be left the fuck alone."

"Human beings are nosey by nature, but this incessant need to know everything about someone, I don't understand it and I'm not a secretive person, yet I find myself constantly having to justify otherwise."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I suppose different people have different reasons. Whatever the reason, I find it all pointless."

"Ain't that the fucking truth?"

She jerks her foot from my hand. "Stop. That tickles."

"I wasn't trying to tickle you."

Alice lights a candle, then goes back to logging inventory from her map.

"Have you always been good with direction?"

"I had a job as a courier before all this."

"That sounds boring as fuck."

"I enjoyed the solitude."

"Do you really miss pizza or were you just fucking with me?"

She stills her pen, glancing up at me. "I **really** miss pizza."

"You shouldn't eat shit like that. It's not good for you. Like those fucking sausages. Do you have any idea how much sodium is in that shit?"

She shakes her head no.

"You'll like this one then, Numbers. 1095mg. That's half your daily allowance for a fucking snack! I'd starve before I consumed canned," I put my fingers up in quotes, "meat."

"You're health conscious?" She seems surprised by this.

Actually, everyone is always surprised when I say it, like I'm some gluttonous pig. "Extremely. I feel like shit when I don't eat right."

"I see all the fresh fruit and vegetables in the cafeteria when I go, but, I don't ever partake."

"You should. In fact, I'll make you a deal. You don't have to use your points on it."

"That doesn't seem like much of a deal."

"I'm saving your life and you don't even know it."

"You already saved my life."

I run my index finger up the middle of her foot.

She laughs, wiggling her toes.

"I want to ask you something and I want you to take it seriously."

"I am always serious."

"I know," I scoff, "but I'm not. I don't want you taking me as a joke."

"Alright."

"Why did you let me put that bulletproof vest on you?"

"You offered."

"Bullshit, Alice."

She pulls her foot off my leg.

I catch it and bring it back. "Alright, we don't have to fucking talk about it." I reach in her boot and get out her sock. Why do I even fucking bother? I stuff her pants down into her boot and start tying the laces.

Several things scatter outside.

Alice pulls out a knife and gets to her feet.

"Wait," I mouth, putting my hand out.

She seems nervous, which is unlike her.

I get up and go over to the sink, looking out the window. It's too dark to tell. When I turn around, she motions her hand for me to come to her. I press my knee to the bench and look out the window by the table. It's a couple undead, but they keep heading towards the water.

Alice sinks down on the bench, pocketing her knife. She gives me a funny look when I sit beside her. "This bench is too small for the both of us."

"I'm comfortable," I smirk.

"You're forcing me against the wall."

"Really now?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

She sighs, trying to get comfortable.

Marshall lets out a groan and sits down, putting his hands over his face.

"What's wrong?" Alice asks.

Marshall looks ill. He bounces his leg up and down, frantically. "I'm reaching a point where I would take someone's life for a cigarette."

I point at Vic.

Marshall's eyes widen. "He has a pack?! Vic," Marshall yells.

"Fuck off," Vic groans.

"Keep your fucking voice down, Marshall!"

"Marshall, you can do this," Alice encourages him.

He runs his hands up and down through his hair.

I've never seen him this worked up before.

His eyes shift to the window. "Do you think some of those undead would have a pack on them? Makes sense right?" He gets up from the table.

I grab him by his arm. "Why don't you sit the fuck down?"

"I'll be **real** quiet."

"You ain't fucking quiet right now. Lower your goddamn voice."

"Let. **Go** ," he snaps, ripping his arm from my grip.

"Marshall, please," Alice begs.

Marshall dashes for the door.

I fly up, shoving him on the couch. "You listen to me," I growl, grabbing him by his throat, "you better pull yourself the fuck together and I mean right fucking **now**! Do you understand me?" I release his throat after he nods.

"I'm sorry," he frowns, "I just got a little carried away."

Alice sits next to him and rubs his back.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Ms. Alice."

"It's alright. Why don't you try and get some sleep?"

Jesus Christ, I can't fucking believe this. I fold my arms looking at Marshall, then Vic. I think we're all starting to lose our fucking minds. This camper is too fucking small. "Listen up," I start, kicking Vic, "everyone get some fucking sleep because in the morning, we're clearing and going the fuck home. I ain't dying here, not like this."

...

I'm becoming more upset every time I look over at the two of them. His arms around her, she's asleep against his chest, his cheek pressed to her head. He's already said he wants to fuck her. What if they have? No, that can't be because the question was if you could fuck anyone. I'm tempted to throw this fucking notebook at his head, but then I'd have to watch her comfort him again. I stand up and sit on the other bench so my back is to them, yet I find this even worse. This is fucking ridiculous. I try to focus my attention in on the sounds of the undead outside. They must be feeding on animals because they seem to be getting louder. Fuck this. I pick up the candle and grab Lucille, going into the bathroom. We need our alone time. I clean her off, much to her disagreement. Sometimes she doesn't know what's good for her. I eye every inch of her dark complexion, satisfied.

_You don't get to touch me._ _**Ever.** _

I take Lucille's words as a challenge. My lip curls upward when I lightly brush my thumb across her. Alice already walked in on me jerking off once this trip. Why break with tradition? Lucille would have loved Alice because she always said the ones that played hard to get secretly wanted it the most. I quickly unzip my pants, almost getting my boxers snagged. Is my sanity slipping or do I really have no fucking shame? I bite the inside of my cheek, taking in a sharp breath. My fingers curl tightly around Lucille, sliding down her slender frame and I slowly exhale. One of these days I'm going to pass the fuck out from holding my breath too long. My lungs expand once more. Blood slowly trickles down Lucille. I lock my knees pushing my hips forward a bit, taking in another quick breath to hold it. It's getting more difficult to keep my moans quiet. Lucille slips from my hand, hitting the mirror and cracking it. I pull her back, digging my fingers into her. She ain't getting away that easily. My face twists with discomfort as I let out a grunt. She's never hurt me before, at least, not like this. When I open my hand up, blood spurts against the wall. I drop her in the sink, grabbing a towel. "You're a real bitch sometimes!" Her and her goddamn rules and the consequences that always follow when I break them. I put myself away, zipping my pants up. Lucille was always honest where she stood on us. I was just too young and pussy-whipped to accept it, so I let her use me. I press my back to the wall and slide down it, cradling my hand. The pain pulls me away from my thoughts of pity. When I remove the towel, blood pools in the palm of my hand. I've gone and made a fucking mess and for what? Fuck, my gloves are in my jacket pocket. Lucille falls from the sink, into my lap. Maybe she has a sense of remorse after all. I'm still angry with her no matter how much she tries to butter up to me. I don't even want to look at her right now. I pick myself up and leave the bathroom.

Alice is back at the table.

I set Lucille on the counter and sit across from her, putting the candle in the middle of the table.

"How long was I asleep?" she asks.

"You act like I was watching you."

"I wasn't implying anything. It's a question."

"I don't fucking know! You got some place to fucking be?"

She starts to stand up.

I press my hand to the back of the bench to block her from getting up. "Are you really going to make me sit here and watch you sleep next to another man?"

Her scowl softens and she eases back down.

I take my hand from the bench. That's not really what I mean because I ain't jealous. What is so fucking bad about me that this woman can't stand to be around?

Alice joins me on the other side when she notices the blood on my shirt. She holds her hands out.

I sigh and pull my other hand out from under the table, giving it to her. She never makes me awkward about Lucille. Rachel always makes me feel like I've got some serious mental problem, and I get the feeling Joanna is going to leave me one day because of it. Alice, despite her strong opposition towards sex, accepts it. Nor does she question me, she just tends to my wound. "This one really fucking hurts," I frown.

"I'm sorry she hurt you." Alice rubs her thumb over the inside of my wrist.

There's more truth to that than she fucking knows. "Why did you train to throw knives?" I have to change the subject before I do something stupid.

"I wanted a way to relate to my father. After my mother passed, he had even less to say than I do."

"I find that hard to believe," I laugh.

"He couldn't relate to us."

"It doesn't mean he gives you the silent treatment for it."

She starts to rip the towel into strips to wrap my hand with. "None of that even matters anymore." She doesn't have a hint of sorrow in her voice when she talks about him.

Not that it surprises me. "Thank you, Alice."

"I noticed a case of MRE's. I know you're particular about food, but you should eat something."

"Alright." What the fuck is an MRE anyway? When she sets the box on the table, I get my answer. 'Meal, Ready-To-Eat, Individual.' I'm suddenly not hungry anymore.

"Don't show these to Marshall."

"If he ate those fucking sausages, he'll eat anything."

Alice laughs and opens the case. "Okay, this one is meatloaf."

I eye this shallow box over. "That shit ain't fucking meatloaf, I can guaran-goddamn-tee that. Next."

"Beef teriyaki?"

"If it has the word beef or meat in it, fuck no."

"Cajun rice with beans and sausage?"

"Maybe, put that one to the side."

She gasps as her eyes widen. "Cheese tortellini!" She lays it on the table.

I laugh, shaking my head.

"Jambalaya?"

"Yeah, alright." I reach out my hand to take it from her. Apparently these things are fool proof, but I somehow manage to fuck it up, so she helps me make it. It takes for fucking ever to warm up. I ain't too happy about eating shit like this, but I didn't eat yesterday. This shit looks disgusting. When I read the label on the back of it, I almost say fuck it, but I know I need my strength. Maybe it's because of how hungry I am, but it doesn't end up being half bad. "Can I have your hot sauce?"

She slides it across the table to me.

"Why is there a packet of cheese spread?"

Her eyes widen again.

I snicker and toss it at her.

"You put it on the cracker. You may have my peanut butter one."

I don't know why I went and put hot sauce on this fucking jambalaya. It's spicy enough. My stomach is going to be a fucking wreck. "How many of those MRE's are left?"

"Ten."

"Put the rest in your backpack, okay?"

"Yes, Sir." Alice has practically inhaled hers.

I don't think I saw her actually chew any of it. "Do you want some of mine?"

She shakes her head no.

"It ain't as bad as I thought. Try a bite."

"I'm allergic to shellfish. I can't eat that one."

"What happens if you eat it?"

"My throat will swell shut."

"You need to tell Carson so Cindy knows. A lot of times they are just throwing shit together in the kitchen. It almost killed Dwight. He gets like you do, but with pineapple."

"I tried to tell you fruit wasn't good."

"Ha Ha. Shut it."

...

"Ugh." I grab my stomach and burp. "I don't… feel too fucking-" I lay my head down on the table. "My stomach hurts." I try everything in my power not to puke my fucking guts out. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that prepackaged poison.

Alice lays a damp towel on the back of my neck, then rubs my back.

I close my eyes and let out a long groan.

"Take a couple sips of this water."

Fuck me, I am so motherfucking miserable. I haven't been this sick to my stomach since I was a child and my father would shovel canned meat down my throat. "Ugh," I dry heave, closing my eyes. "Your stomach ain't upset?"

"No. May I do anything for you?"

"Blowjob?"

"You have your wives for that."

I was in too much agony to try and think of some witty retort. Instead, I just let out more groaning. I figured she would have told me to suck it up by now, but she just keeps rubbing my back.

"Get some sleep, Sir. I'll keep watch."

"I ain't worried about the undead."

"What do you mean?"

I sit up and pull the rag from my neck. Surely she doesn't feel comfortable with that motherfucker. I put my arm over the back of the bench, feeling myself become territorial over her. I lean in close to her ear. "I don't trust Vic and I worry that he'll try something."

Her pale cheeks flush. She looks up at me through her long lashes.

"Don't give me a look like that if I can't fuck you." I don't get a single reaction from her. Instead she just keeps staring at me, eyes starting to glaze over. "What's wrong?" I frown when she doesn't respond.

She licks her lips. "Do you think anyone is looking for us?"

"No," I scoff.

Her eyes sink and when they shoot back up, they're empty.

This might very well be the last time I see it. The truth is, I don't know how the fuck we're going to make it out of this alive. I know Vic will trip any one of us if it means his safety. "Look, if things were different and you weren't trapped here, what would you be doing?"

She shrugs.

"You'd be surviving. Like you are now. It's just a change of scenery."

The corner of her lip curls up slightly and she seems more at ease.

I sit up straight, but leave my arm slung over the back of the bench. "Look, I ain't sleeping any time soon so you should, Alice."

"Do you mind if I stay seated next to you?"

"Thought the bench was too small for the both of us?"

"I'm only partially hanging off of it."

I give her a little more room. "As long as you don't fall asleep on me."

"Thank you," she says, closing her eyes and tilting her head back. It's just like her to have good posture even while sleeping.

I open her notebook and flip through it. For all the detailed entries on all these towns, she hasn't put anything on Sanctuary and it makes sense. It protects us in case she's taken captive. I take her pen and start drawing her a map. This way if something happens to me, she can find her way back. Maybe I went a bit overboard because I end up drawing her three different ways to get back. Fuck it, I don't care if it's excessive. I look down when I feel her touch me. She's asleep, her face against my side. I let out a grunt and go back to finishing up the last map. My eyes keep moving downward. I've never had anyone actually sleep next to me. I jab the pen into her shoulder, but she doesn't move. This is so fucking ridiculous. I don't understand how people sleep together. Her body heat is making me even hotter. Christ, this is going to be a long night.

* * *

Throughout it, Alice makes some pretty disturbing noises in her sleep. All of them sound like she's in pain. It was like that last night, too. She also keeps talking about the number four, whatever the fuck that means. I try to let her sleep as long as I can, but when she cries out for someone to stop, I wake her up. "Are you alright?"

"Fine," she responds as if she's been awake the entire time.

Vic stumbles out of the bathroom. "It looks like a goddamn warzone in there. The fuck happened last night?"

Alice stretches her pinky out, touching my leg. The rest of her fingers inch over to my leg when Vic acts like he's going to have a seat at the table.

He cradles his stomach and hurries back to it.

Alice returns her hand to her lap.

"Did he fucking **touch** you?" I ball my hand into a fist.

"No, he didn't. I can't help but feel like I know him from somewhere."

"Alice, I'm not fucking around."

"I apologize, it's nothing for you to concern yourself with. I guess he just has one of those faces."

Marshall sits down across from us. "When are we leaving?"

"As soon as we fucking can. It might be shit odds, but it's better to die out there than in here. Still, it needs to be unanimous between all of us or we ain't leaving.

Alice frowns, fidgeting with her hands.

"Just say the word," Marshall replies. He gets up and starts to pack his bag.

"Well?"

Alice nods. "I agree. It's better we try."

I don't want Vic's opinion, because I don't care, but he's one of my men so when he comes out of the bathroom I ask him.

"Way I figure, odds are as good in here as out fuckin' there. Let's go."

So it's settled then, however, there's something I need to do first. I discreetly point at the bathroom.

Alice gets up, grabbing her bag and walking for it.

"Play along," I tell her under my breath. "Need any help?" I raise my voice.

"Leave."

"Come on, it will be fun," I say, leaning in the bathroom. I press my lips to her ear. "Tell me to get out," I instruct. She does exactly as she's told. "Good. Now listen very carefully. If something happens to Marshall and me, you don't hesitate to put your knife through Vic's throat."

She turns her head some, her lips almost brushing against mine by mistake.

"I need to know you're going to be safe or we ain't fucking leaving."

"How will I get back to Sanctuary? I don't know that area well," she mouths.

I step inside the bathroom as she takes a step back. "I drew the location on your map while you were asleep." I clear my throat, bringing my hand up and cupping her cheek as her big eyes stare back at me.

"I'll do as you ask."

I hope for her sake, she does. "Slap me."

Her brow furrows as she reaches back and hits me.

"Alright, fine, you made your fucking point," I yell, leaving the bathroom.

Vic snickers, finishing off his bottle.

Marshall shuts the cabinet. "As much as I want to take this food, I don't think it's a good idea."

"Don't take anything that isn't completely necessary. There's no telling how many miles we'll be running." I pick up my jacket from the couch.

"Here, Sir," Alice says. She's holding a flare gun.

This might very well save our lives. I'd ask her where she got it, but it doesn't matter.

"Who we gonna signal?" Vic laughs.

I roll my eyes. "Here's the plan. Alice, you'll go out through the roof vent. Fire the flares as far away from us as you can get them. After she fires them, we'll go out through the door. Follow Alice from there."

Alice takes Marshall's arm and starts writing the letters, L, R, and N up to his elbow. "Directions to the pier in case we get separated." She grabs Vic's. "This will be our first checkpoint." She pushes my sleeve up. "It's seven miles. I will do my best to keep up."

Fuck! Her ankle. How in the fuck did I not remember? "We're not going."

"Yes we are. Will you help me up through the vent?"

"Alice, no."

"It's alright," she smiles at me, before putting her pen back into her bag.

Marshall gives her a bear hug. "We're going to make it," he tells her, lifting her off the ground.

In one swift motion, I knock the vent loose.

Marshall raises her above his head as she pulls herself up with ease.

I know for a fact, it's the only thing that's going to go smoothly. "Protect her, or we ain't getting out of this alive," I order them.

"Yes, Sir," they reply.

With each shot she fires, it's another nail in our coffin.

When they stop, Marshall flings the front door open.

The sun is blinding when I first step outside, but as my eyes adjust, I see the herd. I spin around. "Jump!" I reach up as Alice slides off the roof and into my arms. "Hurry," I tell them, setting her down.

"We should come to a road, keep heading north," she instructs us.

I know Alice is in pain by the way she runs.

Every-fucking-where you turn it's twenty more, thirty more. We couldn't even fight them if we wanted to.

"Left," Alice shouts.

All of us have been in situations where you think it can't get any worse. I truly thought those days were behind me.

"Right!"

Running in our world is the most helpless feeling, because it means you're out of options.

"North through the park."

Mile after mile is put behind us.

"Keep north!"

Marshall grabs at his chest, starting to slow down. "Fuck."

I bet he wishes he didn't smoke now. "You can do this," I try to encourage him.

He nods, wiping the sweat from his brow with the crease of his elbow.

"Right!"

Marshall trips as Vic clasps his shirt, hoisting him back up. "I can't fucking breathe," he gasps.

"Marshall, you have to!" I hook his arm. "I'll fucking drag your ass if I have to."

Alice looks back at us. "The pier is just ahead! We're almost there."

"Alice," Vic shouts.

My eyes widen. "Alice!"

She looks forward, running right into several undead.

Vic moves Alice, putting himself in between the undead and her.

I see it with my own two eyes and still don't believe his selfless act.

"I got these fucks handled, Alice!"

The thing that's always bothered me about Vic, is that he doesn't even use a weapon most of the time. It's his surroundings he kills undead with and it's too unpredictable, just like he is.

She helps him fight them off anyway.

I'm practically dragging Marshall. Luckily for him, after Alice and Vic kill these undead, the pier is completely empty so he can catch his breath. "Better?"

"Yeah," Marshall nods. "Thanks."

"Let me try and hotwire this car," Vic says, running down the pier to it.

"Marshall, go with him. Last time he alerted half of Alexandria."

"Yes, Sir."

"How's your ankle?"

"I'm trying not to think about it." Alice pulls out her map and starts to read it over. "Stop throwing rocks at me."

"Why would I fucking throw rocks at you?"

One hits Alice on the nose as she glances upward.

I move my eyes up. "Fuck!" I shove Alice out of the way as the collapsing wall falls over. The fire escape swings downward as the steel pierces my side wide open. "Oh, shit," I grunt, before I collapse on the ground.

"No," Alice screams, running to me.

"Jesus Christ." I don't need the panicked look on her face to tell me how fucking bad it is.

Alice unzips her vest and frantically unbuttons her shirt. "Marshall," she shrills, pulling her shirt off.

I let out a yell when she ties it around my torso.

She apologizes, gripping my arm.

"Fuck," I grit my teeth, reaching at my side again.

"It's going to be okay," she assures me.

I think it was more for herself because I sure as fuck know I'm not getting out of this one. I'm bleeding so fucking bad, I don't see the point of even trying to stop it. I pick up my heavy hand and reach for her cheek with my bloody fingers. "Alice, listen to me," I start, taking a deep breath, "Carson will know what to do. Find Dwight and tell him-"

"No! You're not dying."

I rub her cheek, smearing blood across it by accident. It was getting harder to keep my eyes open.

Alice sets her trembling hands on my chest. "I don't know how to make it stop." She's shaking like that day inside the bar.

"You gotta go."

"I am **not** leaving without you."

"That's an order!"

"Screw your orders," she yells.

I smirk up at her.

She tightens the shirt more.

I move her face towards me. "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you."

Alice leans over and lays against my chest. "Don't talk like that," she begs as my shirt twists between her fingers.

I frown, looking down at her clinging to me. Fuck, I didn't expect to go out like this. I sling my arm around her and clutch her bulletproof vest tight. My fingers start becoming numb.

Alice pulls Lucille over, setting her in my other hand.

My eyes glaze over at the gesture. "Alice," I slur.

She looks at me, tears flooding her eyes. "Please, Negan, no."

"Fuc.."

"Negan?" Alice sits up, shaking me.

"I can't- my... Alic-" My vision blurs again, and then… I feel nothing.

"No!"

_..._

_You'll sit there all goddamn night if you have to, you're eating what I fuckin' made._

_The canned meat hurts my belly._

_Pick up your fork and eat your fuckin' food or I'll break your fuckin' jaw. Stop your fuckin' sniveling, it's disgusting! I don't know what pussy shit your mother has been telling you, but real men don't fuckin' cry._

_I hate you._

_The fuck did you say to me?_

_I wish you would die!_

_You're gonna learn to show me some respect, boy. Press your hands to the table!_

_No!_

_The fuckin' jaw it is then!_

...

I gasp for air as I cling to my chest. "Shit!"

"Sir?"

My eyes scan the familiar room. The infirmary. "How the fuck did I make it back here?" I cough, easing my grip up on my shirt.

"It wasn't easy," Marshall says.

"Goddamn, was I out long?" My side feels like it rips when I sit up from the table.

"An hour, give or take."

"Fuck."

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd be so overcome with gratitude and give me your keys so I can get another carton."

"Carson has my keys. Knock yourself the fuck out. Get anything else you want."

"Thanks," he laughs, leaving the infirmary.

"Sir, you should lay down, I just finished your stitches," the Doctor informs me.

"I don't understand how I'm alive. I saw that puddle of blood, it was a fuck ton."

"Blood transfusion."

"What? But how? No one in Sanctuary is O Negative but me."

"Alice is."

"Where is she?!"

"I'm here." She gives me a soft smile.

"Doc, give us a minute."

He nods and leaves the room.

Alice gets up, catching her balance.

"What's wrong?"

"Just a little dizzy from giving blood. Thank you for-"

I cup her cheek. "Your face," I point out concerned.

"It's your blood."

Of course. Fuck, it's all coming back to me now. "Are you okay? Did Vic touch you?"

"I'm alright. He was able to hotwire one of the cars and get us back here." Alice steps closer and lightly touches my hand. Her fingers curl around mine. "I apologize for calling you by your name."

"I don't care." I pull her a step closer to me.

"I felt helpless watching you bleed out at the pier. I was so fearful for your life. Thank you for saving mine." It wasn't like her to be vulnerable. This vocal about her feelings.

I don't have a smart ass retort or something vulgar even cross my thoughts. My eyes drop and I look at our bloody hands now tangled together.

"They said you were awake," Rachel smirks, sauntering over to me.

Alice quickly pulls her hand from mine.

"I'm fucking busy," I snap.

"Too busy to let me play nurse?"

"I should be going," Alice blushes.

"No," I tell her.

"Have a good night, Sir," Alice says, hurrying from the room.

I glare angrily at Rachel.

"What's that look for?"

"I was fucking talking!"

"Moan my name instead," she smirks, unzipping my pants.

I let out a frustrated sigh before grabbing the back of her head and moving her towards my lap.

...

"Oh, fuck, yeah," I moan, tilting my head up.

"Stop scratching."

"Hurry the fuck up then!"

"Why do you let it get this bad?" Sherry asks, wetting my face.

"I've been a little fucking preoccupied."

There's a soft knock on the bathroom door.

I'm surprised when it's Alice. She sure got dressed quickly.

"It can wait."

"You're already here. Is everything alright?"

She gives me a soft nod and hands me two maps. One is the path the undead took and came from. The other is places that she noticed could still be scavenged.

"Good work, Alice. Give these to Carson."

"Very well." She takes them back and turns to leave.

"Wait." I pause until I have her full attention. "You need to rest after the transfusion. Have a seat in the parlor for a bit. Nicole will help you down when you're ready. Besides, you don't need to be walking on that ankle."

"That's unnecess-"

"It ain't up for fucking debate."

She chews on her bottom lip.

"I appreciate what you did for me. You saved my life, too."

"The compatibility of our blood is fortunate."

I let out a breathed laugh, shaking my head.

Alice takes it as an opportunity to make her exit.

"Wow, she has your blood type?'

"What are the fucking chances, huh?"

"Yeah, that's quite a relief."

"Poke your head out the door. Make sure she didn't leave."

Sherry walks over and cracks the door some. "I'll be right back." She walks out into the parlor.

I start itching my face again. "Hurry up, Sherry," I yell.

When she finally comes back, she's laughing.

"What?"

She closes the door. "Alice must have been around Marshall. She called me Ms. Sherry."

I bust out laughing then I am suddenly reminded I've got a side full of stitches.

"God, you're pitiful."

"Fuck you, Sherry," we both say in unison.

"I gave her a book. She'll sit tight for a while."

"Whatever you say, Ms. Sherry," I smirk

She rolls her eyes then tilts my chin upward. "What's she like?"

"Who?"

She slathers my face with shaving cream. "Who? Alice, duh."

"Pay attention to what you're fucking doing."

She drags the knife up my cheek, then wipes it on the towel on my shoulder. "I think I know what I'm doing. Answer my question."

"How the fuck would I know? She doesn't let anyone in to know what she's like."

"Like someone else I know."

"She's a very dry person. Complete fucking deadpan. She's actually rather stoic and it's infuriating. Alice is so emotionally detached from everything, and I guess it's a good thing seeing how everything went to hell, but fuck, I watched her try and take her life twice. You know what she fucking did when I called her out on it? She yawned. She fucking yawned and shrugged. You want to know what she's like? The definition of inscrutable. Oh, and she likes pizza."

Sherry has her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry."

I laugh with her.

"The people we care about usually end up driving us a little crazy."

"God, Sherry, give it a fucking rest, will you?"

"It's good to let people in our lives, otherwise, what's the point of living?"

"If your soul reason for surviving is because of another person, you're going to be in some serious disa-fucking-ppointment. Living for others, that's a foolish reason. Especially in a time like this. People are going to die." I stand up from the ledge of the bathtub and wash my face.

She sets the knife on the counter. "People dying isn't any different now as it was before the outbreak. You know what your problem is? You're full of shit, Negan."

I abruptly turn the water off. "Don't fucking go there."

"Why? Because I'm right? You're just afraid you might have found someone you can let in."

"Alright, you wanna fucking know about Alice? Follow me." I walk over and have a seat, facing her on the lounge. "What are you reading?"

She hands the book to me.

"I ain't here to take it. I just asked a question."

She holds it up so I can read the title.

I rub my brow.

"You're bleeding."

I look down, grabbing at my shirt. "Oh, shit."

"I'll get the Doctor." Rachel hurries from the room.

"Help me out of my shirt."

"You should wait for the Doctor."

"And have him undress me? No fucking thank you."

"I've got it," Joanna says.

Alice lowers her eyes away from me.

"You ripped your stitches," Nicole tells me.

Alice shoots her eyes upward. Usually they give nothing away about her. Right now they are filled with concern.

"I need a towel or something, please. He's bleeding badly."

Christ, here we go again.

...

Nicole finishes up my stitches as the Doctor guides her through it. He wants to do another blood transfusion, but I refuse it.

"Sir, you need to lay down. Alice, that goes for you as well. Neither of you should have left the infirmary," he gripes before I dismiss him.

"Looks like we get one more night together," I smirk at Alice.

"I am only here until the dizziness subsides."

"Yeah, so get comfortable."

Alice stands up and almost topples over.

Joanna catches her, helping her sit back down. "Maybe just sit down for a little bit?"

Alice nods her head.

"Here, Baby, drink this," Nicole smiles, handing Alice a glass of water.

"Thank you," Alice replies, taking the glass.

"Alice, I'll get you something to eat," Amber offers.

Sherry rubs Alice's back. "Let me help you out of that vest."

"Well, is anybody gonna fucking take care of me?" I pout.

"No," they all yell.

I fold my arms and lie back on the lounge.

"Stop," Alice snaps, grabbing Sherry's hand when she tries to take her vest off.

"Surely that's not comfortable."

Alice doesn't respond, as her face becomes blank.

I give Sherry the 'I fucking told you so' look.

Sherry frowns and rubs Alice's back. "Okay, we'll leave it on."

My intention was to prove a point, but I just end up feeling uncomfortable about this whole fucking thing. Alice is capable of emotion, but let everyone else think otherwise. I'll never tell anyone the conversations we had last night in the camper. I want that to myself.

"Here you go, Alice."

Alice takes the plate of food and thanks a rather chipper Amber.

I wonder what's gotten into her? I groan, wiping the sweat from my brow. Fuck, I feel horrible. I slump over a bit, putting my elbows to my knees.

"You really need another transfusion," Nicole says, tilting my head up some.

Alice scoots next to me, rolling up her sleeve.

"Alice, I don't recommend you give blood again. Especially with your size. It's dangerous,"

"Negan's O Negative. Alice is the only one whose blood is compatible," Sherry tells Nicole.

"Alice, no, that's a fucking order. Compatible or not, I don't give a fuck."

Nicole slips the blood pressure cuff over my hand and up my arm. She takes my vitals. "If you're doing this, we need to do it now."

"No," I repeat myself. "Take this fucking thing off me."

"Surviving. It's just a change of scenery, right, Sir?"

Goddamn my own words being used against me.

Nicole grabs the things she'll need to start the transfusion.

"Oh, God, I'm going to be sick." Rachel runs to the bathroom.

Sherry sits down next to Alice and curls her fingers around her hand. "Thank you so much, Alice. If you ever need anything, we're here for you."

Alice looks up at me as if she's waiting for approval.

I smile at her.

She drops her eyes and unzips her vest a bit. "Have you seen my sister?" She hands Sherry the photograph.

"I'm afraid not," Sherry sighs, showing the other girls.

"No," Joanna frowns.

Amber shakes her head no.

Nicole looks it over. "No, Sweetie, I'm sorry."

Alice stuffs the picture back in her shirt pocket, disappointed.

That was fucking awful to see a gleam of hope in her eyes and then have it stripped away in an instant.

"You'll find her, Alice. If not in this life, in another," Amber smiles, helping Alice out of her boots.

"Thank you," Alice's voice quivers.

"Sherry, trade me spots so I can take Alice's vitals," Nicole tells her.

Alice's face flushes.

"What's wrong?" Nicole feels her forehead.

"Um." Alice picks at her cuticle. "You're just," she blushes, "in your undergarments."

They all laugh as she blushes an even deeper shade of red.

"Well, we don't get many guests," Nicole smiles, tightening the blood pressure cuff.

"Does it not embarrass you all to be so vulnerable?"

"I've spent more time naked than clothed," Joanna laughs.

"It's just skin, no big deal," Nicole smiles.

"It makes you feel kinda sexy you know?" Amber adds.

"What does?" Rachel asks, shutting the door.

"Alice asked if we get embarrassed to dress like this."

"You can't be a wife and worry about stupid shit like that."

"Alright, that's enough," I snap.

"What? The girl asked. You really think a man wants to fuck someone that dresses like that," she points at Alice, "or this?" She runs her hands down her curves.

"Rachel, go get something to eat," I demand.

"Well.. what about-"

"Now," I yell, startling everyone.

"Alright," she whines, slamming the parlor door behind her.

Amber rolls her eyes. "Ignore her. We all do."

"Rachel is just threatened by you. She always has been since that first day Negan brought you up here," Sherry says.

"New fucking subject," I order them.

"I figured out what kind of mural I want to do," Amber smiles.

"That was quick."

"I want to do all the major cities, lit up at night. Starting with New York seen from the Brooklyn Bridge."

"I thought we agreed on titties!"

Sherry hits me in the chest.

"Ow, goddammit, Sherry," I grunt.

Alice lets out a tiny giggle.

"I think it's a great idea. I've never seen New York," Joanna beams.

"Vic is from New York. Maybe he can give you some pointers," Alice suggests.

"Yeah, okay, I'll ask him."

"You fucking stay the hell away from Vic. Do you understand me?"

Amber goes pale and nods.

"That goes for all of you girls, am I clear?"

"Yes, Negan," they say in unison.

"Alice, you, too." I look down when she doesn't respond.

She's sunk into the lounge.

"Oh, gosh!" Nicole feels for a pulse.

"Alice?" I shake her but she doesn't respond.

"Joanna, go get the Doctor, please," Nicole begs.

"What happened?"

"I don't know! I did everything I was supposed to!"

"Stop the fucking transfusion," I yell.

"Okay, yeah, uh." She fumbles around.

"Nicole, get a fucking hold of yourself."

"Yes, Sir." She takes a deep breath and removes the needle from Alice's vein, then checks her pulse. "I think she just passed out." She takes her blood pressure. "It's low, I'm sorry, I should have been monitoring it and not talking."

When the Doctor comes in, he says the same thing as Nicole. "Let her lay her head in your lap." He moves her feet up, raising them up on the arm rest. "She'll come around, just give her a few minutes. Nicole, monitor Negan."

She nods nervously and Sherry stands up, letting her sit down.

"You shouldn't need another transfusion. Rest. I'll be back up in a little while to check on you both."

"I'm so sorry, Negan," Nicole stammers as tears spill down her cheeks.

I curl my finger and wipe them away. "He said she's going to be alright."

Nicole sniffs up her nose and takes the blood pressure cuff off.

"Go eat," I tell them. Fuck me, these last forty eight hours have been insane.

"I want to stay here, if that's okay. Unless you want to be alone with her," Sherry says.

"I don't care what you do, I just want her to fucking wake up," I frown.

Sherry kneels down and runs her fingers through some of Alice's hair. "She will-" She cocks her head.

"What is it?"

"Where did she get this scar from?"

"She wouldn't tell me."

"It's like someone tried to cut her ear off."

I wrap my fingers tighter around her vest. "Leave her alone."

"You can put her in my bed."

I put my other hand over her. "No."

"You putting her in your bed?"

"Don't turn this into something it's not. She saved my fucking life and now hers is in danger because of it. Forgive me if I show a little compassion."

"Why do you take it as an insult?"

"Just drop it."

"Fine. I'll do your laundry tomorrow if you put it in the bathroom."

"I need you to sew my jacket. The left arm must have got caught on something. I'll wear my other one until you can get around to it."

Alice lets out an uncomfortable groan. She's frightened and disoriented.

"You're safe," Sherry assures her.

She pulls her feet from the arm of the lounge and curls up into a fetal position. "No," Alice whines. "Four."

"Alice." I give her an abrupt shake.

She springs open her eyes, then completely stills.

I tilt her chin up.

Alice is like two different people at times. The prey or the victim.

If I hadn't just witnessed it, I wouldn't believe that just a second ago, she was almost in tears.

"I'm cold," her dry voice tells me.

I help her sit up and move her close.

Sherry puts a blanket around Alice. "Better?"

She nods.

"Should I get the Doctor?"

"No, I do not require medical attention."

I chuckle, joined by Sherry.

"Do you want your food, Alice?"

"No, thank you."

"You eat it then, Sherry."

"No, I'm exhausted. I'm glad you're back," Sherry smiles, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

I groan, pulling away from her.

Alice rolls her sleeve back down. Her skin is already starting to bruise from the IV.

I stare at Alice's wrist before she covers it up. It's practically mangled. What the fuck did she do to them? "Alice, I'm not going to find you one day with another gun in your mouth, am I?"

She scoots away from me, shaking her head no. "I know I've made poor decisions and I'm sorry you were constantly a witness to them."

I reach down and grab a few folded pieces of paper that slipped out of her pocket. "What's this?"

"The pages from my notebook of the maps you drew to Sanctuary. I meant to give them to you with the others."

"These are yours." I flip her hand over and place them into her palm. "So you can find your way home."

Her brow furrows as she stares at the papers. "Home?"

She deserves her place within the Saviors. It's well overdue. She has proven herself more times than I can count. "You're a goddamn good asset to us, Alice. You always have been. Speak to Carson in the morning about getting you a room."

Her eyes light up. "I don't have to sleep outside anymore?"

"No. You should have had a room a long time ago, but that's on me, and I'm sorry for that."

"Thank you so much, Sir!"

I reach over and wipe some of the dry blood from her cheek. "But you stay here tonight, okay?"

She nods, blushing at my touch.

I take my hand away and carefully try to get off the lounge.

"Sir?"

"Yeah?"

She nervously looks over at Sherry.

"What is it?"

"I really didn't come up here to give you maps," she whispers.

"Why did you come up here?"

"To make sure you were alright."

"Thanks to you, well, the compatibility of our blood."

She doesn't even crack a smile.

"I'm fine, Numbers."

Alice let's out a breathed laugh.

I pull her blanket up a bit. Even across the room, I see the wide toothed grin Sherry gives me. "Knock it off," I tell her.

* * *

I let out a groan, keeping my arm up.

"Almost done," Nicole says, biting her lip.

I ripped my stitches sleeping. This is getting real old, real fucking fast. "Amber, where's Carson and Dwight?"

"They are on their way."

"There." Nicole snips the thread with her scissors. "I'm going to cover it for now."

Joanna helps me put my shirt back on after she's done and it's just in time.

Dwight walks into the parlor, followed by Carson.

"Girls, leave."

Dwight's weary eyes slowly move to Sherry as she walks towards the parlor doors.

She's put on makeup and done her hair up some.

I almost fucking laugh when she gives him a smile.

He clears his throat and turns his attention to me.

"Alright, listen up. Dwight, you're in charge, but I want to be briefed on everything. Bring Davis back from the outpost, put him with Gary on fence detail. Mike, Vic, Connor, and Seth will clear. Take Tara and Marshall with you to scavenge. Now, Carson, I want you to go over everything with Alice. Show her how we do inventory. She can help you on Tuesday. Alice has two maps of Alexandria I want you to take a look at, as well as several others, and keep your wormy fucking hands to **yourself**."

"I won't touch her," he blushes. "Were you able to find any shoes?"

"Yes, but they're on a truck in Alexandria. As soon as I'm able to, we're going after it. Until then, we just have to make do with what we have."

"I'll go find Alice," Carson beams, hurrying from the parlor.

Dwight waits for the door to shut before he speaks. "About the other day."

"Forgotten."

"I wasn't apologizing."

"Really, now?"

"You were completely fucking out of line the way you disrespected the girls."

"I don't give a fuck," I dismiss him.

"Bullshit. You have Carson hide out in the parlor while you're gone like it's fucking Fort Knox to protect the girls. Alice ain't scavenging because you don't like the idea of her being outside the walls if you're not right be-fucking-side her. Tara should be clearing, not scavenging, but you don't want her with Vic. So don't sit there and tell me you don't give a fuck about the women. Why do you think we left the first group to begin with? Every time you look at Tara, it's like you blame yourself for what those men did to her-"

"Enough," I snap. "Fuck!" The last thing I need is another voice in my head crying out for me to help them.

"I want to be treated with some respect and that means not flaunting in front of me all the ways you're going to fuck my wife."

I let out a heavy sigh and lean back against the lounge. "Dwight, what do you want me to fucking say? This is a fucked up circumstance, but she made her choice." It's not intentional, but what I said crushes him. It takes a lot of restraint on my part to keep Sherry's secret. This unnecessary rift between him and I will eventually culminate. Anything I can say at this point, he'll take as condescending.

He applies a few drops to his eye, but it doesn't explain his other one tearing up.

I want to shake him. Fight for your fucking wife!

"That's really all I wanted to tell you."

Of course it is. He'll just keep everything inside and then one day I'll end up with a fucking arrow through the back of my skull. This is the dark part of my thoughts I don't like. That all my men are out to get me. How can I really **even** trust Dwight? He's still technically fucking Sherry behind my back. Thinking I'm too goddamn stupid to know.

"Where do you suggest I go look for supplies? Alice is usually the one we go to for that kind of thing."

"You're in charge."

"Sure, I'll just waste time because of your vendetta against me."

"Dwight, cut the fucking theatrics. Go north on 29 and see what you can find."

"Anything in particular?"

"Don't you have a list of inventory?"

"That's right, I forgot."

I rub my brow. Jesus Christ, why the fuck did I put him in charge?

"How long will you be laid up?"

"Do I look like a goddamn doctor?"

"Whatever, I can take a hint."

"Dwight," I call as he heads for the doors. "Don't fuck this up."

"Whatever you say," he looks over his shoulder at me when he opens the door, "Sir," he jeers.

"Don't think a few stitches will keep me from coming over this lounge!"

"Believe me, I know what you're capable of." The door slams violently behind him.

He has **no** idea what I'm capable of.

* * *

Just getting up to take a piss is a fucking ordeal and it about fucking kills me.

"Let me help you back to your room," Joanna offers.

"I ain't helpless." I'm not sure I believe my own words. I stretch my arm out for the lounge and ease myself down. "Fuck. Did I rip them?"

She shakes her head no when she peels the bandage back. "It looks fucking gross though. Nicole," she calls.

Just fucking great. An infection.

"You're awfully warm," Nicole frowns. "Let's leave the bandage off. I'm going to start you on some antibiotics. I'll be right back."

"Want me to take your mind off the pain?"

"Good luck with that," I mumble.

Joanna drops to her knees.

I nudge her away with my foot.

"Come on, are you really going to turn **me** down?"

"Doctor's orders." Nicole thinks it's best if I don't fuck while my side heals. Joanna's eyes meet mine as we both let out a malicious laugh. I lift my hips up just enough for her to pull the waist band of these pajama pants down. I'm still technically following Nicole's instructions.

"You'll have to do better than that," Joanna teases.

"Fucking forgive me if I'm not the poster dick for viagra the second you decide to jerk me off."

"We don't have long before she comes back."

The idea of her walking in and catching us turns me on.

"And I wasn't going to jerk you off," she smirks, running her tongue up slowly before she takes me in her mouth.

"Yeah," I grunt, clenching a fist of her blonde hair. It doesn't take my mind off the pain, but it comes damn close.

Joanna's lashes sweep up as she locks her eyes with mine.

I know she's trying to be sexy, but it just ain't working. Her eyes creep me the fuck out, they always have. That fucking sickly gray color like undead flesh. I tilt her head down. Much better. "Take that corset off so I can fuck your tits." She moves my hands away when I start to grab at the fabric. "Come on!"

The parlor door shuts and Nicole clears her throat.

"Uh," I simper, taking my hands from Joanna and holding them up. "I was powerless to stop her."

"I'm sure you put up a real fight. Joanna, that's enough, he needs to rest."

"Five minutes, please," I pout.

Nicole drops her hip, crossing her arms.

"If you help, it won't even take that long."

She doesn't budge.

I curl my index finger back and forth at her.

"No."

"Look at that face, though." Joanna holds me by my cheeks.

"Yeah, I'm in real pain!" I push my bottom lip up.

"Oh, alright, but two minutes," Nicole agrees.

I rub my hands together, getting comfortable. I've always had this suspicion that Nicole wants to fuck around with Joanna, but Rachel is too goddamn jealous to let the two of them go at it. It's probably the only reason Nicole agreed. As long as I'm in the middle of it, I don't give a fuck about the reasoning. "Take Joanna's corset off." I love watching them undress each other because someone always ends up with a titty in their mouth. "Yeah," I grin, starting to run my hand up and down on myself.

Nicole flicks her tongue over Joanna's hardening peak, looking at me while she does it. "You starting without us?"

I grin devilishly. "Don't mind me."

"We should make him suffer a bit."

I push my eyebrows together. "What the fuck for?" It's hardly suffering. Rather a front row seat to my own personal show. I want to join them. Maybe that's the suffering part. Well fucking worth it. I wonder what Rachel would think if she saw Joanna between her lover's legs, making her squirm as she leaves her excitement all over Joanna's chin and fingers.

Joanna doesn't let it go to waste as she sucks on her fingers, even offering me a taste.

I lean in, but she decides to slowly brush the tips of her fingers against my lips instead. "Holy fucking fuck."

Nicole takes a hold of Joanna's wrist and licks her fingers clean.

I can't take it anymore and they are far from done because Nicole returns the favor. I'm not even touching myself anymore and I'm about to mess up a perfectly good pair of pajama pants. Sherry is going to love washing these. I push them down a little farther just in case. My eyes widen when I watch Nicole ease two fingers in Joanna and sends Joanna into several overwhelming spasms. Goddamn, I don't even think I've made a woman come that good before. I want a taste of Joanna, too! It's the only lips I'll allow against mine. "Okay, I've suffered enough, both of you on your knees."

"I don't think so."

"Unless you want to redo these stitches again, I'm telling you right fucking now, I have." I snap my fingers and point at the floor in front of me. "Now." They made me suffer so I'm going to drag this out as long as I possibly can.

"Let's get these off." Joanna tosses my pajama pants to the side.

I don't really like being completely naked when I fuck. My pants are almost always partially down or at least around my ankles.

Nicole licks one side of me while Joanna gets the other.

I've forgotten all about my discarded pants. Instead, I eagerly wait for their tongues to meet as they giggle each time it happens. "Let me fuck those titties," I beg Joanna.

Nicole takes my hardened length in her mouth, making sure I'm nice and slick.

"Fuck yes," I growl.

Joanna rises up just enough for me to thrust between her.

Nicole pushes them together, confining my dick tightly.

I throw my head back, letting Joanna do all the work.

Nicole drags her tongue across Joanna, licking me when I poke out.

"I'm going to fucking explode," I moan.

"Not just yet."

I almost cry when they stop. "What the fuck did you two stop fo- Oh, goddamn, fuck me." This right here is my absolute fucking favorite.

Joanna licks my balls and I'm given head by Nicole.

"Just like that," I hiss through my clenched teeth, holding them by the back of their heads. I can tell Nicole's getting frustrated that it's taking so long. That, and I'm not Joanna.

"My turn," Joanna demands, ready to throw Nicole out of the way.

Thank Christ. I'm on the edge of my fucking seat waiting to slide myself between her rouge lips.

"I know just what he likes."

That she fucking does. This takes me back to the times I used to cash my check only to give it all to her. I don't regret any of it. She was worth every penny.

"I know just what makes his eyes roll back in his head."

I exhale heavily, not able to get another breath in fast enough.

"What makes his moans turn into yells."

"Fuck!" Now the harlot is just toying with me. They both are. My hips begin to buck against Joanna's hand as it works away, making up for what she can't fit into her mouth. Several harsh groans leave my throat as my muscles stiffen. I don't warn her as I release into her mouth and her eyes widen. "Goddamn," I yell. I almost kick Nicole by accident. "Don't you fucking stop." Joanna lets out a muffled sound when I push her head up and down even faster. One day they'll fucking learn. Until then, I don't mind taking control. I let out another moan, shooting one last time in her mouth before I pull out. I start laughing when I see the still surprised look on Joanna's face as she swallows hard. "That's what you fucking get for making me suffer."

Joanna licks her swollen lips. "You should see your face right now."

I throw myself back as my heavy eyelids start to close. "I'm fucking cured. It's a goddamn miracle!"

Nicole gets to her feet. "Five minutes my ass."

"Give me twenty more and we'll do it again."

"No." She hands me my pants.

"But-"

"I said no," Nicole snaps.

"Help me in my fucking pants then," I grunt, throwing them back on the floor.

"I know what you're thinking. Sex with Lucille is out, too."

"That's bullshit!"

"Just until the stitches come out."

"Well," I sigh, "how long until that happens?

"Wednesday."

That's nothing. I can do this shit.

" **Next** Wednesday," Nicole informs me when she sees my smug look.

"Nine days?!" I slither farther down the lounge. No sex? For nine fucking days?

"Now go to your bedroom and don't come out. You need to rest and I'm very serious, Negan," Nicole reprimands me.

What a shitload of fuck. What the fuck am I supposed to do for nine motherfucking days?


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** **This is by far one of my favorite chapters in the entire story, but it's a long one. Just a warning, there's a scene, close to the end, that deals with sensitive subjects that might be uncomfortable to read. This is the last chapter before issue 100.**

* * *

I smell like a fucking gym bag. I've been in bed for three and a half agonizing days. Or maybe it's four. Fuck, I can't remember. I'm sick and fucking tired of all the rules. I can't fuck. Don't leave the bed. No shower. Well, we'll see about this last one. I slowly inch into the parlor to see where the Warden is, but it's just Sherry.

"I sewed your jacket. Good as new." She proudly holds it up for me to inspect.

"You can't even tell it was ripped."

"Is that you?" She leans over. "Oh, God, Negan, you stink!"

"Every time I try to get up I get yelled at!"

"Bathroom. Now."

"You want me to get into the bathtub?"

"Yes."

" **Me**? Fit into that tiny fucking tub?"

"The tub isn't tiny, you're just freakishly large."

"My point exactly."

"Tub!"

This will be a sight to fucking see, I'm sure.

She waits impatiently for me to hobble to her.

"You gonna make me sit in cold water?"

"Dammit, I'll be right back."

Doing anything simple for myself is a fucking joke, but I attempt to shave and brush my teeth while I wait. I feel a little better when I'm done.

"Okay, it's ready. Get in. Slowly."

"Yes, Dear." I let my pajama pants fall to the floor and try not to slip. "Don't be checking me out now."

"Your bare ass is the last thing I'm trying to check out."

"You liar. You're redder than Alice when I talk about my dick."

"Oh my God, you do not. Leave that poor girl alone!"

"Fuck," I grunt, easing down. Finally.

"Move your head to the side some so I don't wet the stitches."

"Hurry up before we both get in trouble."

"How did this even happen?"

"Fire escape broke and as it swung outward, the metal split open my side."

"Were you scared?"

"To die? Pffff, no. I just really didn't expect to go out bleeding like a pussy."

"Eww."

"You know what I fucking mean!"

"I bet it's nice to be able to relax for a bit."

"Are you kidding? I fucking hate this. There's no telling what your dickhead husband has fucked up. Ow, not so rough!"

"Now you're being a pussy."

"Shut it and get this shit out of my hair."

"Hold still."

The door creaks open.

Shit…

"You can't be in the tub!"

"I'm almost done," Sherry tells Nicole.

"The stitches aren't supposed to get wet."

Amber steps into the bathroom. "What's wrong?"

"God fucking help me." This isn't exactly my most dignifiable moment.

"The water isn't high enough to soak them," Sherry points out.

"What's going on in here?" Joanna asks.

"Anyone else wanna come in the goddamn bathroom? I'm only trying to fucking bathe."

"You look ridiculous in that tub," Amber cackles as the rest of the girls start to laugh.

"Ha fucking ha, laugh it up."

"Sherry, you get the worst jobs." Amber consoles her.

"I'm going to need help washing my balls if anyone's interested."

Just as quickly as they gathered in the bathroom, they disperse.

"Uh," Sherry rubs the back of her neck, "you're joking right?"

"I don't know, am I?" I give her a lopsided grin.

…

"…and stay in bed!"

I slam the door before Nicole can yell at me anymore. Damn, here I thought she was the nice one. She's been in a bad fucking mood lately. "Stay in bed," I mock her in a high pitch voice. She gave me some medicine to help, but all it's doing is making me loopy as shit. I almost fall over when I try the simple task of stepping into my boots. I need some fresh air so I open the latch on my window, pushing the glass upward. This is actually a fucking horrible idea. I poke my head out the window as my eyes trail up the ladder on the side of the wall that leads up to a small space where the AC unit used to be. Now I use the hollowed out space to get the fuck away from everyone. Fuck, what am I thinking? I can't make that climb. I barely got my fucking boots on. I slam the window shut and fling my boots off. "Fuck me," I grunt, holding my side. I take a step back, feeling lightheaded. This is like being drunk. I look over my shoulder when I feel someone touch me, but no one's there. What the fuck is going on?

_Negan.._

"What?" Wait, who the hell am I talking to? What kind of medication did she fucking give me?

_Negan.._

Is someone in here? I get down on my hands and knees, looking under my bed. There is someone in here! They're wearing a red pair of high heels. "How the fuck did you get in here?" When I sit up, there's no one there. I push my eyebrows together, shaking my head. I know I didn't imagine that shit, so I look under my bed, only to find no one there this time.

There's several frantic knocks on my door. "Negan, did you take those pills?"

"Why?"

"I gave you the wrong ones."

"Are you fucking with me?"

"It will help with the pain, they just have some really strong side effects. Please lay down."

I sit up, back on my knees. Now it explains these hallucinations. I turn my head slowly. My eyes shift upward and suddenly, I forget how to breathe. You have got to be fucking shitting me. This can't be happening. "Lucille?" My face loses all color when she shakes her head yes.

"I thought you had her," Nicole says.

"Go the fuck away," I yell at Nicole. I swallow hard, getting to my feet. "You haven't changed a bit." I grab at her waist, but she slaps my face. "Ow," I frown.

Lucille's eyes move towards the bed.

"I don't fuck in the bed." Christ, eighteen years later and nothing's changed because all it takes is one more look from her and I'm on my back, laying down. I push my pajama pants to the floor, giving her a wide toothed smirk. It leaves my face just as fast. "Lucille?" I struggle to sit up, then look around the room. "Come back, please!" I tear my room apart like I expect to find this imposter. "Lucille," I frown, easing down on my bed. My eyes sink. "Fuck." I wrap my hand around barbed wire. I'm fucking losing it. I lay on my side, cradling her in my arms. It's just from the medication.

_Negan.._

I tightly shut my eyes. "No," I whine, holding her closer.

* * *

"Sherry," I yell from behind the cracked door.

"What's wrong?" She's still half asleep.

"Go get Alice," I mumble.

"What?"

"Do what I fucking tell you! And get rid of the others." I slam my bedroom door shut. "Fuck!" I grab the end of my sheet and practically rip it pulling it off the bed. Reaching back, I punch the fire place several times until my knuckles are split open. What the hell is going on? Am I in a dream? Another fucking hallucination? I try and find where I threw those pajama pants last night, but all I'm doing is making a bloody mess. I drag my sheet into the parlor like a pouting child and drop it in front of the lounge. What's taking Sherry so fucking long? I set Lucille down and slump over on the lounge.

"Oh my God, Negan," Sherry gasps, covering her mouth.

My entire torso, arms, and neck display a rather gruesome picture. Lucille has marked every inch. She even managed to get my cheek. Alice has the reaction I figured. The reaction I **need**.

She walks into the bathroom and comes right back out with the hand towel.

"What can I do?" Sherry panics.

"I need antiseptic and gauze," Alice speaks calmly as she sits down.

"I'll be right back."

Alice isn't wearing her vest or tie and the top two buttons of her shirt are undone like she quickly threw it on.

"I woke you."

"I haven't been to sleep," she scoots closer, "and I am here for you regardless of the hour."

I look down at Lucille on top of my bloody sheet. "I didn't do this on purpose. I don't even remember her in my arms before I fell asleep."

"It's alright. The scratches will heal."

"Am I fucking crazy, Alice? All I do is lay around. I don't even know what fucking day it is. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel like I'm about to lose my goddamn mind!"

"A couple years ago, I turned on the television to a news broadcast. There was an explosion in one of the mines my father worked in. The men were trapped for weeks before they were freed. My father was given a leave of absence to help with the trauma of being stuck down there for so long. He didn't take well to that suggestion at all because he didn't care about the danger. Mining was the distraction he needed to be able to function and live his life." Alice runs her fingers close to the gash on my side. "I know you're having a difficult time, but you'll be back outside the gates soon enough, Sir."

I stare back at her for what seems like an eternity before I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you." I move my lips up, giving her another kiss on the temple before I sit back.

Alice keeps her eyes down, seeming embarrassed.

"I tried to hurry," Sherry says out of breath. "What can I do?"

"You can sit the fuck down," I snap. "Jesus, you're freaking me out."

"I'm freaking **you** out? Have you seen yourself? What the hell happened?" Sherry demands.

"Drop it!"

Sherry notices Lucille. "Talk to me! It's never been this bad before!"

"Stop interrogating me!"

"Negan, you're covered in-"

"You forgot antiseptic," Alice interrupts.

"I did? I thought I grabbed it."

"It's not in here." Alice opens the small bag up all the way to show her. "I need it."

"I'll go get it."

Alice watches Sherry leave the room, then sighs after the door closes. "I lied to her," Alice frowns, pulling the tube out from under her leg.

"You do that for me?"

"You seemed uncomfortable by all her questions. Still, I was purposely deceitful in getting her to leave."

"Thank you, Alice."

She starts to clean me up.

I could have done this myself, but I wanted that same feeling that I got that night in the camper, and back in the truck. "Will you do that thing to make it stop burning?" This time she holds me by my nape. Bad fucking idea. These pajama pants are thin. You know what? Fuck it. I don't care. She knows I'm disgusting. She knows I want to fuck her. I set my hand on her lower back.

"Is that necessary?" She tries to move away from my hand.

I'm not letting go. In fact, I pull her closer so she straddles my leg.

"Sir."

My eyes circle her face, then down to her neck. I lean over and press my lips to her soft skin.

She freezes instantly.

I kiss almost up to her chin, then drag my tongue the rest of the way.

"Sherry will return any moment."

I pull away from her as my face grimaces. "If that's your only fucking reason for me to stop, I'll take you to my bedroom right now."

"I thought you don't allow-"

"I don't give a fuck!"

She takes my hand from her lower back.

I move it up to her cheek.

"Stay strong about your convictions. I know it's been difficult for you, but if we go in your room, it will only make things worse."

She's sparing me the shame of rejection because she's not usually this calm towards my advances, or maybe I am being spared the agony of another wound. I keep my eyes locked on hers. She is right no matter how much I don't want to hear it. "I'm an open book to the one person that doesn't give a goddamn. Fuck, it's the only book you won't read."

"I tend to shy away from newly published literature."

I lightly ease my thumb across her bottom lip. I've fantasized about these more times than I can count. "Will you go back and read it?"

"Eventually," she flushes.

"I couldn't find it," Sherry says.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" I blurt out.

Alice moves off my lap.

Sherry looks at Alice, then me. "It was here the entire time, wasn't it?"

Alice sinks down, picking at her cuticle. "I'm sorry I was deceitful."

"I was overreacting a bit."

"A bit? Perhaps you should consider the definition of that word," I snap. My brow furrows. That sounded like something Alice would say to me.

Sherry starts to giggle.

Christ.

"Are you upset with me?"

"Not at all, Alice."

She gestures the antiseptic at Sherry.

"No, that's alright. I'm going to get some breakfast with the girls."

Because this situation isn't awkward enough, now Sherry feels like she has to run and hide. I end up apologizing to Alice, then blame it on the pain medication.

Alice runs her hand through her hair, moving it out of her face.

I sweep it behind her ear.

"Thank yo-"

"I saw her last night."

Alice thinks about what I've said, then realizes who I'm talking about. "In a dream?"

My eyes sink. "Nothing, forget I said anything." I already feel like a fucking lunatic without telling this woman about my hallucinations of Lucille.

She tilts my chin up and starts to speak, but instead her eyes light up.

I never noticed she had dimples. Then again, she doesn't award anyone the opportunity to see her smile. "I like you, Numbers. You're al-fucking-right in my book."

"I'm fond of you, too, Sir."

Fond enough to fuck? No, don't fucking tell her that. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with me?

"The cut on your collarbone is the deepest, but the bleeding has finally stopped." She dabs it more with the gauze, before putting a small amount of antiseptic on her finger. "Better?"

"You should have been a nurse, not a courier."

"Minor cuts and injuries are my specialty. You see, my sister enjoyed activities like skate boarding and motocross. Tilt your head up some."

"She must have been fucking horrible at it then."

"Exceedingly," Alice laughs, "but it made her happy. So I just played Doctor when she needed it."

"If only you could fix this fucking thing on my side."

"Just a few more days."

"I just want to be in real clothes again." I hate these pajama pants. They're that sickly gray color I despise so much.

"They look comfortable."

I actually draw blood biting my lip to keep from saying anything.

"Get some sleep, Sir." Alice smooths out my messy hair.

I eye her ass as she gets up and sigh when she leaves. "Fuck..."

* * *

"Are you doing that puking thing again?"

Amber flushes the toilet. "Sorry."

My eyes widen when I see some on her hand. I back up into the door.

"It's just puke. I need help up." Amber reaches up at me.

"The fuck is wrong with you? Help yourself into the fucking shower." I slam the door. "Gross!"

"Carson brought this by while you were sleeping." Joanna hands me a list of inventory.

I grunt as I cautiously have a seat on the lounge.

"I hate seeing you like this," she frowns, sitting beside me.

"Me and you fucking both, Blondie."

"Where is everyone?"

"Fuck if I know what you girls do during the day."

"How is your side?"

"What do you want? You know I hate small talk."

She slides her fingers under the elastic band of my pajamas, moving downward.

"Stop. I need to go over inventory. What little there is," I mumble, pulling her hand from my pants. This is fucking pathetic. If we don't bring that truck home, there won't be anything left for people to spend their points on.

There's a knock at the door. "Come in," I say, flipping the page.

Joanna sighs, and grabs the blanket covering herself.

Carson nervously walks over to me. "I see you're going over everything."

"How did it fucking get this bad?"

"I- uh-"

"Save it." I toss the list on the table and let out a long sigh. "This is my fault."

"What can I do?"

"Go get Alice. Have her bring that notebook of hers and a map."

"Yes, Sir."

Joanna sits up, grabbing the list. "Is it.. really that bad?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Alice will fix it, right?"

"I fucking hope so."

"Can I get you anything?"

"No." Fuck, fuck, fuck. What the hell are we going to do? I notice Alice isn't limping as bad today. I move the pillow over so she can have a seat.

She spreads her map out on the table. "What's more imperative at this point?"

"Food."

"Alright. Who is scavenging?"

"Dwight, Tara, and Marshall."

"Deer. It's a temporary solution because they won't keep long-"

"We don't have the luck hunting like you would think. Tara is too heavy on her feet, and Marshall doesn't have the patience."

Alice points to Loudoun County on the map. "Restructure the scavenging team and hunt here. I will go with Dwight, and give us Seth."

"No. You ain't going anywhere with that ankle, but I can restructure the teams and we'll try it if you really think it's a good idea. Tara and Vic can't be on the same team."

"Send Dwight, Seth, and Vic to hunt."

"That would leave Connor, Marshall, Mike, and Tara to scavenge. Yeah, that will work. Carson, tell Connor to come up here and give Dwight a map with directions to Loudoun."

"Yes, Sir."

"So where do I send Connor and the others?"

"I know a place near Winchester." Alice opens her notebook and pulls out a small index card, setting it on the table. She draws a map and on the other side, directions on how to get there.

"I'm going to get some fresh air," Amber murmurs, running into Connor as she leaves.

"Holy fuck, this place is unbelievable," he shouts, looking around the parlor.

"It ain't a fucking museum. Get over here," I demand. This is the main reason I can't wait to get better. I **do** **not** like having my men in the parlor.

"Carson said there's a new plan? You don't want us clearing?"

"No, you'll be scavenging while Dwight hunts."

"We're that desperate, huh?"

"Shut up and listen to Alice."

"You'll be going to Winchester. It's a bit of a drive, but we had luck when we went to-"

"Are you fucking listening to her?" I snap my fingers at him. He doesn't have to answer the question because I already know he's somewhere else. Probably eye fucking Joanna. That and he sees Alice as a fucking joke.

She shows him the index card. "Stop at the grocery store first on 657. There's also a drug store. This entire area is like one giant square so follow it around. Here's another grocery store and then you can hit the fire station and the two churches before you leave."

Connor looks at me raising his eyebrow.

"Do what she says."

His face relaxes and he takes the index card. "Yes, Sir."

"Now get the fuck out." Alice starts to stand up, but I grab her by the vest, forcing her back down. "Not you."

Joanna leans over. "How are you feeling?"

"Decent. Thank you for asking." Alice's eyes widen and she turns her head away when Joanna stands up.

"Joanna," I snap, throwing the blanket at her.

"Oh, right, sorry." Joanna covers herself with the blanket and goes into the bathroom.

"Alice, I really need you to focus on places to scavenge." I grab the list from the table and give it to her.

"I know the numbers. I helped Carson count."

"You don't seem worried."

"Though it's not much of one, there's still a list." She stands up, and collects her map.

I guess I never thought of it like that.

"I will have another location as a precaution. Rest." Alice walks out and quietly closes the doors behind her.

"Joanna," I yell, "about that hand job..." Fuck it, I almost made it the entire nine days.

* * *

I feel better today and it's easier to walk. It also takes a lot off my mind knowing we did well yesterday.

Nicole gives me a dirty look when I have a seat on the chair.

"Jesus, what? What did I do now?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit, Nicole. Aside from the attitude, you've been bitching about everything. Not but a month ago, you'd let me do **anything** that I'd want, but now I have to fight you to get my dick sucked?"

"You completely defied my orders. I told you no sex, but you fucked around with Joanna. You didn't think I was going to catch you? I know you guys fucked last night, too."

"Nicole, damn, don't take that shit so fucking personal."

"Personal? Of course it's personal! Even if I leave to become a Doctor, you'll still treat me like some toy."

"Some toy?" I get up from my chair.

She takes a frightened step backwards.

I let out a sigh and sit back down. "Fucking forget it."

She stands there for a bit before folding her hands together. "Sorry, Baby, that was shitty."

I keep my eyes locked on her feet.

She has a seat side saddle on my legs and puts her arm around my neck.

I run my thumb over her thigh. "I just wanted my dick sucked, it wasn't meant as an insult to your ability as a Doctor. Look, I'm trying to adjust to this situation as best I can. This is the first time I'm having to step aside and let someone else call the shots and it is hell. These people need me and it has never been more apparent then these last few days, yet I'm stuck here. Sex is a distraction from that."

"I guess I have been a bit hard on you, though, I won't lie, it's kinda fun bossing you around."

"You can boss me around right now if you want." I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"I tell you what, why don't you get dressed and go for a walk around Sanctuary? Then when you get back, I'll make it up to you. **Anything** you want."

That's a good idea. I can oversee everyone's jobs. Make sure I have the right people in the right places. Plus, I get to fuck some titties when I get back.

…

I narrow my eyes as I catch a glimpse of Foster going into the girl's restroom. When I fling the door open, it startles him. "What the fuck are you doing in here?"

"The toilet," Foster points.

I let out a grunt when I look down at the puddle I'm standing in. What kind of idiot designed this place to begin with? Who puts showers and toilets on the seventh floor anyhow? I don't like the idea of him being in here, so I wait around for him to finish. "How long have you known Vic?"

"Couple of months. He saved my brother's life. We just kinda followed him after that. Davis came along a few weeks later. We really appreciate you taking us in. You can't survive on your own anymore. I think that's why Vic gets so fucking wound up. Says he's always been on his own, even as a kid."

"He can leave at any time."

Foster stands up and flushes the toilet. "Like brand new."

"Good, now get the fuck out."

…

I grunt annoyed when I notice the tomatoes are starting to split. "You're watering these too much."

Molly stands up, brushing the dirt from her pants. "There's so much, I keep forgetting what I've watered."

"Write that shit down or something. Your inventory is also sloppy. I know you're still getting the hang of things, but there's days on here that aren't even filled out and there's no excuse for that."

"I- I'm sorry!"

As I have a look around, my annoyance turns to anger. "Are you really a botanist?"

"No," she blushes. "I stocked greeting cards for drug stores."

"Christ," I sigh.

"Please, give me another chance! I won't fuck this up. Look, I'm already writing down what I've watered today."

"I'm going to have Cindy go over everything again. Let's see how you do by early next week. If everything looks good, I'll consider making you a Savior, but you need to pull your weight."

"Yes, Sir. I promise I'll do better."

….

"Cindy, did you show Molly how to do inventory?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Well you can't fucking tell. Go over it with her again. If she can't figure it out I'll get someone in there that can. You know how important the garden is to our survival. Did you dry the last deer carcass out?"

"Yes, in fact, come look at this." She leads me to the back of the kitchen, outside. "Dillon built us a smoker."

"It works?"

"Sure does!"

"I'll be damned"

"Here, try a piece."

What I expect to taste like leather, doesn't. "Seal it up, then go help Molly before she fucks up anything else."

…

"Dillon."

"Yeah?"

"Cindy told me about the smoker."

"I like building shit. Takes my mind off, well you know."

"I'm going to move you over to engineering."

"Alright, that's awesome!"

"Did you work for Virginia Biodiesel?"

"Yeah, couple of years."

"I want you to look for alternatives to gasoline."

"Okay, I can do that."

"You and your brother can take the first room on the second floor."

"Oh, hell yeah! Thanks!"

Who would have thought Vic's group would actually be useful? I was certain they couldn't find their dicks with both hands and a flashlight. My last stop is checking on David. He's in charge of making sure we have water for our showers, sinks, and toilets. David shows me around a bit, pointing to various parts of the tanks and pipes. I don't fucking know how he does it and frankly, I don't give a shit as long as I can wash my ass.

"Sir, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I'm going a little stir crazy being cooped up inside. I know you're pretty pissed at Mark, but he's been helping me out quite a bit. I think he could take things over and then I can be out there clearing or something."

"Is that who's been hiding behind the second tank the whole time?"

"You fool, I fucking told you he'd see you," David scolds Mark.

Mark comes out with his head down.

You know what? Yeah. I like this idea. "One fuck up from you Mark and you're gone. And by gone, I mean the outpost. That's if Connor doesn't snap your neck before you make it there."

Mark swallows hard. "Yes, Sir."

"Ugh, pathetic," I grunt, heading back to the parlor.

* * *

I pull the dusty tarp off my motorcycle, if you can call it that. I haven't rode since I wrecked it before we left Hilltop. It needs a lot of work, which I don't mind. Might give me something to do. I like being down here because no one fucking bothers me. Shit, I might set up a cot. Guess I should get started. Funny how things change. I used to be down here as often as I could. There's still some shitty bottom shelf bourbon sitting on my work bench. "Mother fuck me," I cough, after I take a drink. Yeah, I remember this taste…

...

Jesus, I'm sweating like a necrophiliac in a herd of undead. I pull my shirt off and wipe my brow, tossing it to the side. There's a small window I pry open, letting in the dry breeze. It's been a long time since I've worked on a bike, but it quickly comes back to me. There's only so much I can do without more spare parts, so until then, I'll just start rebuilding the engine. Now where the fuck did I put that flywheel holder?

...

I lock the door and start up stairs. How long have I fucking been down there? I notice Alice heading towards the bathroom. "A shower this late?"

It startles her as she drops some of her things.

I kneel down to help her pick them up.

"Thank yo-" Her eyes trail up my arm, to my shoulder, then down my chest. She doesn't blink once.

"It's fucking rude to stare. I ain't a piece of meat."

"I- I wasn't staring," she stammers.

"Bull-fucking-shit."

She stands up, tucking some hair behind her ear. "My pupils?"

"The size of fucking grapefruits," I smirk.

Her cheeks redden. "I'm sorry."

"Wanna shower together?"

"Why are you all dirty?"

"Way to avoid my question."

"You know I don't."

"You can watch me if you want. I won't mind."

"I thought it's rude to stare?"

"Don't change the subject. You're turned on. Let's do something about it."

Connor's door opens and out walks Cindy, along with another girl, followed by him. The girls giggle and drunkenly stumble down the steps.

Connor smirks, buttoning his pants. "You wouldn't fucking believe the night I had."

"Something tells me they won't either."

"Whatever gets my dick sucked," he laughs, going back in his room.

My eyes shift over to Alice only to find she's left. "Dammit," I grunt.

* * *

Rachel screams from the bathroom.

"Go see if she's alright," I tell Sherry.

Sherry doesn't even make it to the bathroom.

Rachel flings the door open. "There's no fucking water!" She points at the shampoo still in her hair.

This happens more often than I'd like, but it's to be expected with the system we've jury-rigged. "The tanks must be empty. Sit tight until I can find out what's going on."

"Sherry, give me your water."

"No," I snap. "I'll be goddamned if you're going to use drinking water to rinse that shit out of your hair. I told you to sit tight and I fucking mean it, Rachel."

She stamps her foot, folding her arms. "Fine."

Rachel isn't the only one that's noticed the water is off.

"David, what the fuck is going on?" I demand.

"At first, we thought it was something in the line, so we shut it off to repair it, but it's the tanks. They're getting low." He slides down from the ladder. "A thousand gallons give or take and that's it. The gages must be fucked up because they were reading just fine the other day."

Or Mark fucked something up. "Turn them back on for fifteen minutes, then shut them off. Give these people some warning the next time. The last thing we need is unnecessary panic. We'll tell them it needs repairs and it's going to be off for twenty four hours. Have Connor, Mark, and Seth go with you. Fix this, David."

"Yes, Sir."

Most everyone has gathered in the cafeteria by now. "Saviors," I shout. "The water's going to be off while one of the lines are being repaired. We'll turn it back on at the same time tomorrow. Anyone caught using drinking water to bathe with gets all their points revoked and goes back to sleeping outside. I ain't fucking around people. Anyone who reports this to me will receive that persons points as well as their room if desired. Whatever you need to do, I suggest you do it now. Fifteen minutes."

Dwight comes over to me with Marshall and Tara.

"Tara, go stand outside the women's bathroom while they're all showering. Make sure no one gets any ideas."

"I'm on it."

I motion my hand back and forth at Carson. "Follow me." I take them over by the tanks. "This doesn't leave this circle. The lines aren't being repaired, we're out of water. I sent David with Connor and a few others to go get more. Keep a gun on you. We have to restore the balance if shit goes south. You know how these people get every time the water is shut off. Patrol from level seven. Don't let anyone up there either. They can use the other restroom down stairs for now." My Lieutenants all live on level seven. It's the highest you can get to before the parlor. You can also oversee the entire factory from there, unlike the parlor because it's closed off. "Come get me when the water is back on." If shit hits the fan, we'll be able to exit out through the roof and use the outside catwalks to get down. I have a plan for almost every scenario imaginable. Sherry thinks I'm too fucking paranoid and that I need to trust people, but that trust went away the second the power grid went down.

"When will we know when the water's back on?"

"Dwight, were you fucking dropped on your head as a child? I think I fried some of your brain with that iron. Honest to God," I grumble, going back up stairs. "Alice."

She opens the door, continuing to braid her hair.

"Get your stuff and come with me."

"My maps?"

"Everything."

"Very well"

I stand outside while she packs, then she follows me up stairs.

"Why is everyone in a state of panic?"

I keep my mouth shut to avoid having someone overhear me.

She figures it out once we get to level seven.

"Occasionally, things get overlooked and the tanks dry up. Last year, we had a guy lose his fucking mind. He shot me and then David because of it. I would feel better if you stayed in the parlor until it comes back on."

"Well?" Rachel taps her foot impatiently.

"Get back inside the parlor!"

"I tried to tell her. She's not even wearing any fucking clothes," Nicole yells.

"Enough! You all have ten minutes to shower or do whatever until the water is shut off."

Like a stampede, all five of them run into the bathroom.

"You can go in there with them if you want," I tell Alice.

"I showered last night."

"Did you rub one out while you were thinking about me?"

She folds her arms and looks away.

"I know I did. Twice, and that ain't no easy thing to do," I boast, though it's rather stupid seeing as I'm boasting to her.

"I think I'll go back to my room."

"Calm the fuck down. You were the one checking **me** out."

"If I was shirtless and covered in grease-" She pauses and clears her throat. "Actually, that's a terrible analogy." Alice fidgets with her hands some. "Alright, truthfully, your muscular physique is aesthetically pleasing."

My jaw almost touches the ground. Get the fuck out of here.

"My behavior last night was inappropriate and I apologize. May we change the subject now?"

I pull my shirt over my head and drop it.

Her cheeks redden as she starts to laugh. "Your side is better."

I lift my arm up to try and get a good look at it. "The stitches come out tomorrow." I catch her checking me out again, but decide not to say anything and put my shirt back on.

She loses interest and walks over to the bookshelf.

"My offer still stands."

"What offer?"

"Becoming a wife." I know she's not interested. It's apparent by the disgust on her face. "I guess I'll go see if they need any help getting clean."

...

"Fuck," I moan, pulling out of Joanna.

"That was kinda hot watching us in the mirror. We should fuck in the bathroom more often."

I have a seat on the edge of the bathtub and catch my breath.

"Why do you hold your breath?"

"Makes my orgasm better." I flip on the shower and then remember there's no fucking water. "Will you clean me up?"

"If you clean me up."

"Fuck no, I ain't doing that shit."

"Get Rachel in here to do it. She'd do," Joanna bats her eyelashes, " **anything** for you."

"Jealous?"

"No. I just don't like her. Can't you replace her with Alice?"

"No one is getting replaced. Besides, Alice doesn't want to be a wife."

"You two ever mess around any? Like when you're out on supply runs."

"God, I fucking wish. I've been trying to unzip that fucking vest for two fucking months. She says she's not interested in sex."

"Oh. Guess I'll work on my blank expression for you."

I start to laugh. "I'm sorry, that was pretty fucked up of me."

"It's okay, I've thought about other men before when we've fucked."

"Like who?"

"I'm not telling you!"

"Come on, I won't be angry. Is it Connor?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"He's always talking about you and he sure as fuck doesn't address anyone else as ma'am."

"I like the way he looks at me."

"Shall I have Carson get the iron?"

"You're a hypocrite. Alice isn't a wife, but you'll fuck her, meanwhile I mention another man's name-"

"Calm down, it was a joke. Think about Connor and that stupid mohawk all you want."

She straddles me. "Let's go at it again."

"Get off of me."

"You're no fun."

I zip up my pants. "I'm a great fucking time. You must be thinking of another man," I snicker, leaving the bathroom.

"Get out of the way," Amber shoos me. "The lighting is perfect on her."

I look over and see Alice sitting on the window sill, looking out the window.

Amber trades out her pencil for a blue one and starts coloring in the eyes. "You're watching me."

"Sorry," I grumble. "I'm going back to sleep." I glare at Rachel. "Behave."

...

It's no surprise I'm awaken by yelling. "Shut up," I shout, putting the pillow over my head.

"Hit me bitch and I'll fuck you up," Joanna yells.

"Fuck," I grunt. When I open my door, Rachel takes a swing at Joanna.

"Knock it off," I scream.

They both still completely.

It's rare they see me this angry, but I've had it with this shit. "What did I fucking tell you, Rachel?"

"Behave," she mumbles.

"I better not see you try and hit someone again!"

"Alright," she cries.

"Where is everyone else? I said to stay in the parlor."

"They are on the roof."

"Joanna, roof. Rachel, bed."

"Fine," Rachel mumbles.

I shake my head at Rachel, then follow Joanna out onto the balcony. There's a set of steps that we take leading us to the roof.

"Oh, good! Now we have enough people to play," Amber smiles.

"Play what?" I have a seat next to Alice on the couch.

"Charades."

"Boring," I mumble.

"I still don't comprehend the rules," Alice says.

"I'll explain them," Joanna smiles. "You try and act out something without words and we try and guess it."

Alice should be a fucking shoo-in at this then.

"I'll give you an example, Alice. What's your favorite movie?"

"I dislike film."

"Oh, uh, okay, Negan?"

"I've seen three movies my entire life, one of which I didn't finish. Don't fucking care for it, either."

"Alright, so.. music," Joanna replies.

"Fuck no, I hate music," I grumble.

"Books?" Alice suggests.

"We're the only two that read," Sherry frowns.

"Hey, I've been trying to read this one book," Joanna says proudly. "I'm only on the fifth page, but still."

"How about this," Amber starts, "Negan, hold the bowl that we'll put the topics into. Alice, keep score."

"Very well."

Thank God. The last thing I want to do is play some bullshit trivia game.

...

I look down at Alice. She's just as uninterested as I am watching this fuck-show.

"Titanic," Sherry shouts.

Alice gives Sherry's team another point.

I lean to the side. "You knew that one?"

"Everyone knows Titanic."

"I don't."

"The ocean liner that hit an iceberg?"

"Who travels by fucking boat anymore?"

"It was 1912."

"That was a hundred years ago."

"Your math skills are astonishing. I didn't realize you could count that high."

"Fuck you," I laugh. "Sorry we can't all multiply at the speed of light in our heads, you arrogant dick."

"Sixty nine times sixty nine I've heard before. That's how I was able to give you an answer so fast. I'm not a savant when it comes to numbers."

"Yeah, you are. You're always talking about four in your sleep."

Alice loses her smile and goes completely silent.

Alright, so I guess that means this conversation is over.

"Aww, where are you going?" Amber pouts.

"Inside." I start for my bedroom, but notice Amber's sketchpad on the table. My eyes move over to Rachel. She's asleep. I look over my shoulder to make sure I'm alone before I open the book and flip to the last drawing. "Wow." She drew Alice as if she was looking at you, instead of out the window. I really like that the only color is her eyes. Amber's talent is unbelievable. It looks just like Alice.

"Like it?"

I slam the book shut startled.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

I set her book down. "It's incredible."

"Oh, uh," she blushes, "thanks, Negan."

"Do you think I could, uh, could I have-"

The door opens as the rest of the girls come back in.

I hurry to my bedroom and slam the door. I'm an idiot.

* * *

"Still nothing?" I ask, when I see Alice hasn't left.

"No, I just tried a few minutes ago," Sherry sighs.

Alice squirts some hand sanitizer in her palm, offering some to Sherry.

I roll my eyes. "Really?"

"What? I'm particular about cleanliness. I don't like being dirty if I can help it," Alice responds as if me questioning her is appalling.

"Everyone is dirty." I point at the blood stain on her leg.

She lets out a whine.

"Stay here." As I go down the steps, the noise from the factory intensifies.

"Sir, they're starting to get worked up," Marshall informs me, pointing to a small group that's gathered by one of the ping pong tables.

One of my engineers is standing on the table shouting at them.

"Follow me."

"What's going on? The waters never been off this long."

"I said twenty four hours. Has it been that long?"

"No."

"Get down before I pull you from this fucking table by your tongue, and quit riling everyone up!"

Another man walks over to me. "I need a shower! I have those freaks blood on me."

"Think of it as your own personal undead repellant." I tune him out and have a look at all the chaos going on.

"This is fucking bad," Dwight grumbles.

Marshall looks at his watch. "What are we going to do if David's not back in fifty three minutes?"

"Look, it's fucking water to bathe in for Christ's sake. No one's going to fucking die. Carson, use the generators to power one of those movie projectors and point it at the south wall in the cafeteria. Keep people's minds occupied. Marshall, get a few cases of liquor out of the supply closet."

"It's 5 am, Sir."

I shove my keys into him. "Then mix it with orange juice. Dwight, have Cindy and a couple others start making something to eat. We'll let people know they don't have to use their points."

Carson narrows his eyes. "We have orange juice?"

"Fuck off! All of you!" They scatter like roaches. Water is the last fucking thing on my mind. Where are my men? I walk out the front doors and go around back to Tim's grave. There's grass starting to grow up from the dirt. Has it really been that long since we've lost him? "I could really use your help right about now, Tim," I frown, sinking my hands into my pockets. I look over my shoulder when I hear a rock kicked by someone's shoe.

"Am I intruding?"

I shake my head no, and turn my attention back to Tim's grave.

Alice stands beside me, folding her hands in front of her. She doesn't utter a word.

Not that I expected her to, but there is something about her silence that puts me at ease. She wasn't telling me how sorry she was that Tim was gone, filling my head with a false sense of sympathy. I wish more people knew how to shut the fuck up. I can hear thunder in the distance. Funny how it rained the last time we were out here.

Alice cocks her head some, then turns on the ball of her foot.

"What is it?"

"Do you hear that?"

"It's just thunder."

She shakes her head no.

There's more rumbling that's followed by a loud halting screech.

My eyes widen. "That's them, that's the truck!"

Alice hurries around Sanctuary.

"Thanks," I smirk down at Tim's grave.

…

"I can't cut these out if you keep squirming."

"I thought this was the easy part?!"

"This **is** the easy part. You're just a big baby."

I grunt and look away from Nicole.

Sherry is slumped over the chair trying not to laugh.

"Shut it."

"Aww, do you want me to hold your hand?"

"Fuck you."

Nicole sighs, lowering the scissors. "You're moving again!"

"Just give me the fucking things. How hard can it fucking be to cut this shit out?"

Nicole looks at Sherry. "Is he always like this?"

"This? Nah, **this** is a good day."

"Sherry, go get something to eat with the others and sober up."

"That's okay. I'd rather sit here and watch this." She takes another sip from her fifth glass of I'm not even sure anymore.

"Oh, god," Rachel starts, coming out of the bathroom, "it is so nice to have water again."

"Sherry, you can shower next. I'm going to get something to eat."

"I'll come with you." Rachel grabs her robe and puts it on.

"Hey, what about my stitches?"

"I'm done."

"That's it?"

"I told you, you were making a big deal out of nothing."

"That scar is ugly," Rachel says.

"I like it," Nicole smiles at me.

"I thought you two were getting food?" I put my shirt on before Sherry can weigh in her two cents.

"Sorry," Rachel giggles, moving out of Marshall's way when he walks into the parlor.

"Oh, hi, Marshall," Sherry flushes, sitting up straight.

"How are you, Ms. Sherry?"

She raises her glass at him. "I, uh, can I get you anything?"

I roll my eyes at her.

Marshall lets out an amused laugh and looks over at me.

She buries her face into her glass.

"All five tanks full?"

He nods. "David said they found another water tanker truck while they were out, but the truck needs repairs so they didn't want to fool with it. That's bullshit, Negan. Even though it's significantly smaller than our other ones, about eight thousand gallons verses twenty thousand, as long as that tank is still in good condition to hold water, it's worth the time to repair and bring back. David said he doesn't keep a record of water usage, but Mark has. Look at these numbers. I was able to determine it takes eighty six days to drain all five tanks. I based that off water usage per person. With a sixth tank, it can be used as a backup, this way we don't have panic like we did again. No more relying on gages that malfunction because when we start on that tank we know we have six days left of water.

"How did you come up with eighty six days?"

"Ten gallons per person, per five minute shower with a two point five GPH shower head, since we're allowed to shower every other day. Then I allotted six gallons per day, per person for miscellaneous hygiene, plus-"

"Stop, I'll take your word for it." Thank Christ for these smart fuckers that know their math. "Tell David I said to go back for that truck."

"I'll show him how he can fix it unless you'd rather I go with them."

I knew I should have put Marshall in charge from day fucking one. "No, I need you with me tomorrow. We're going back to Alexandria. I want my fucking truck."

"Yeah, I want those smokes."

"That shit's going to kill you, Marshall."

"If it doesn't, something else will," he scoffs, leaving the parlor.

My eyes shift over to Sherry. "Should I have left you two alone?"

"Oh, God, Negan, shut up! I told you, it's his accent."

"By accent do you mean his dick?"

"Stop it!"

"What would Dwight say if he knew his wife was creaming her fucking panties to another man? Maybe you should be sneaking off and fucking Marshall."

"You really are an asshole, you know that?"

"Why fucking take offense if it ain't true? I'm just fucking around."

"Maybe Dwight would let me mess around with Marshall if I let him sleep with Alice."

"Wh-" I stand up from the lounge. "The fuck?!"

She throws back her head and laughs.

I slither back down on the lounge. "Fuck you, that wasn't fucking funny."

"I'm laughing."

"What a surprise. Your mouth is open."

"You still owe me one question."

"I don't owe you shit. As I recall, that didn't end too well last time."

"One question. One serious truthful answer."

"Fine."

"Why don't you like music?"

"It reminds me of shit. Bad shit."

"I'm sorry."

"What the hell for?"

"That you had to go through bad shit."

"In case you haven't noticed, the whole world is going through bad shit. You done with your questions?"

"Will you carry me to bed?"

"Haven't I suffered enough tonight?"

"Fuck you," she laughs.

"Alright," I shrug, unzipping my pants.

"You fucking wish!"

" **You** fucking wish. Go pour me one of those drinks you're having and I'll zip my pants back up." I prop my feet up on the coffee table, getting comfortable.

She leans against my back, throwing her arms around me. "Here."

"Let go of me."

"What bothers you about this?"

"It's emasculating."

"That's a big word for you."

I let out a groan and chug my entire glass.

"Will you draw me a bath?"

"If you fucking let go of me.

"Oh, I have a choice?"

"You're starting to piss me off."

"What are you going to do about it?"

I reach back and grab her, flipping her over the couch.

"Stop, no tickling!"

"What are **you** gonna do about it?"

She laughs, trying to shove my hand away. "Get drunk with me."

"Why? You trying to take advantage of me?"

"I've never seen you drunk. What are you like?"

"Horny."

She dismisses me with a flick of the wrist. "That's you sober. May I go see Dwight?"

"I thought you wanted a bath? Or bed, fuck, I can't remember anymore. Make up your fucking mind."

"I want to cuddle."

"Is that why you want me drunk, because you think I'll cuddle with you?"

"I just figured you wouldn't be opposed to the idea."

"There isn't enough alcohol on this earth for me to be open to the idea of curling up with someone in some fucking bed."

"We don't have to cuddle in bed. What about right here?"

"You're drunk, Sherry."

"Fine," she slurs. "I don't want to cuddle with you anyways."

I snatch her wrist when she stands up. "No. You're not going anywhere drunk like this."

She whines, sitting back down. "I'm lonely. Will you go get Alice?"

"Why, you gonna cuddle with her?"

"She slept in my bed last night. It was kind of nice."

"Damn, now we're talking. Keep going." I adjust my tightening pants.

"Oh, God, you're disgusting."

"How am I disgusting?"

"We didn't **do** anything."

"I know you didn't **do** anything. Have you met Alice?"

"Will you please cuddle with me?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake! You can sit beside me, but that's it."

"You're so generous."

"You're on my last fucking nerve."

She has a seat and lays her head in my lap. "Will you rub my shoulders?"

I pull her drink from her hand before she spills it on me.

"Hey that's mine," she slurs.

I pour the rest of it into my glass and set the glasses to the side so I can rub her shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me you hurt?"

"I constantly hurt."

"Stop moaning like that."

"Is it turning you on?" She grabs my dick.

"Sherry, knock it off!"

She sits up straight. "I am so sorry," she blushes.

Amber walks into the parlor and lays her coat over the chair.

I take a second look at her. "You putting on weight?"

"Negan," Sherry scolds.

Amber bursts into tears.

"Whoa, calm the fuck down. It's not even that big of a deal. Do some fucking sit ups or something, goddamn."

"When's the last time you've done a fucking sit up?"

"I work my ass off eleven hours a day! The only thing you work out is that fucking jaw on pasta and animal lard."

"Negan, you're an asshole," Sherry snaps.

"You act as if I give a shit. Amber, put Sherry to bed before she makes an even bigger fool of herself than she already has."

"Fuck yo-" Sherry throws up all over the table, which makes Amber do it, too.

I don't think either of them realize just how close I was to losing two wives that night.

* * *

"Negan," Rachel calls, leaning into the bathroom.

"What?" I turn the water off and wipe my mouth with the towel.

"Today marks one year for us."

"You keep track of that shit?" I scoff, applying my deodorant.

"Don't you?"

"Rachel, what do you want? I'm late."

"Could it just be us tonight? Maybe we could have some dinner."

"No."

"Well, why not?"

I do not have the time to deal with this bullshit. I should have been awake two hours ago and now I'm fighting with her. "Fine, we'll have dinner, but that's it." I move her back, leaving the bathroom.

"Wait," she grabs my hand, "promise me that you'll make time for us."

"Let go of my hand."

"Promise me!"

I rip my hand from hers. "I promise," I bark, slamming the parlor door behind me. By the time I get outside, they're all waiting on me and have been for quite some time. I didn't even get to have breakfast. Fuck.

Alice is talking with Dwight by the car Vic hotwired.

I try to mask my footsteps so I can overhear what she's saying.

"I'm glad you're well," Alice tells him.

"Miss me?"

I grit my teeth.

"I enjoy having another person to keep distance from the undead with."

"I guess that's a yes?"

"Was my answer not satisfactory?"

"Uh," he chuckles.

I'm satisfied with her answer.

"Sometimes I don't really understand what you're saying, but I feel stupid asking what you mean."

"It's not my intention to make you feel inferior."

"I know," he smiles.

"I was awarded my place within the Saviors."

"You get a room finally?"

"Yes."

"Damn that's good fucking news, Alice."

"Negan told me that I was a good asset."

"You are a great asset. I know you feel like we're always giving you shit, but that's because we don't want to see you hurt. Honestly, I don't like seeing women out here. It's a man's job to protect them, not the other way around."

"My inability to take care of myself just validates your statement then."

Dwight laughs, shaking his head. "Well, stay close to me and I'll make sure you're safe."

That motherfucker. I move from behind the truck and open the back door of the car. "Alice." I point to the back seat.

"Yes, Sir."

"Dwight, you're driving. Marshall, up front."

…

I yank Lucille from the undead as flesh and sinew fly back and hit Alice. While she didn't seem to mind my blood, the undead's blood is a completely different story.

She inspects herself, displeased.

I drag my hand down her vest so forceful, it knocks her back. "Keep moving," I snap, wiping the blood on my pant leg.

"You seem irritated today."

"I **am** irritated today."

"May I be of assistance?"

I let out a heavy sigh. "Not unless you want to spend time with Rachel."

"She requested to spend time with me?"

"No," I snicker. "She wants to spend time with me. Says we've been together for a year today."

"Oh, I understand now. I thought you don't have anniversaries?"

"I know," I mumble, "but she just wouldn't let this fucking go so I guess I have no choice."

"Did you acquire a gift for her?"

"Pff, no, why in the hell would I do that?"

"That's the cordial thing to do on an anniversary."

"Alright, what do you suggest I acquire for her?"

"She has an affinity for butterflies."

"How do you know that?"

"The tattoos on her right arm." Alice stops and disappears into one of the shops.

I find her in front of a display case.

"Here. This should be sufficient." She pulls a diamond butterfly necklace from the case.

I take it from her, looking it over. "Damn, it's like it was meant to be."

"I had an unfair advantage. This is the store I purchased my sisters bracelet at. I considered this before I decided to go with her moon bracelet."

"Thank you." I shove the necklace down into my pocket.

"You're welcome, Sir."

"What do you want for our anniversary?"

"Celibacy."

I let out a loud laugh, grabbing my knees. "Oh my fucking God, Alice. The shit that comes out of your mouth sometimes."

"Are you still irritated?"

I shake my head no and stand up straight. "Thanks, Numbers."

She gets out her map before we leave the store.

I decide to have some fun with her. "There's another one of those wedding dress stores."

She flushes and walks faster away from it.

"Keep North," I instruct when she turns down Queen Street.

"The Library," she shouts back, hurrying for it.

"Fuck me." I see her ankle isn't giving her any trouble as she darts inside. I don't think I've ever seen her run this fast before. Of course there are no undead in here. What a shit place to fucking die in the first place. It smells like book sweat in here. "Make it fast, Alice. I told Dwight and Marshall we'd meet them at that supermarket."

"I just need to acquire one book," her chipper voice echoes through the Library.

"Thank Christ." I notice an unopened bag of pistachios on the counter, which I scoop up. After all, I wouldn't want to get groceries on an empty stomach. I stop mid chomp and narrow my eyes. The breakroom. People always overlook vending machines. I kick the glass in and fill up a cardboard box. It's mostly junk and, in my opinion, not worth the space on the truck, but I know Joanna will be happy. Alice still isn't ready when I come out of the breakroom so I go find her.

"No," she frowns, taking her hand from the shelf.

"Not there?"

She shakes her head.

I step backwards on a book as the cover rips from it.

Alice gasps. She pushes my legs so I'll get off it. "What is wrong with you?" She cradles the book, brushing the chunks of mud off it from my boot.

"What's the big deal?"

She stands up, her eyes narrowing to slits. "I won't state the obvious. Let me make one thing clear. You might not have a passion for literature, but it doesn't mean you go and deface it. Not in front of me you **won't**."

"Come on, Alice, it was on the fucking floor!"

"Rather than pick it up, you thought no big deal?"

"Christ, it's fucking paper."

"It's a symbol that we existed! You of all people should understand symbolism, especially when it comes to Lucille. I would never disrespect her because she's **more** than some piece of wood to you, just like books are **more** than paper to me." Alice sets it back on the shelf and leaves.

I've done a lot of shitty things in my life, but this one actually upsets me and that's not an easy thing to do. Perhaps if she didn't use Lucille as a comparison, it wouldn't have the impact on me that it does. Still, I didn't purposely set out to hurt Alice.

…

You never forget the smell of a supermarket after food has rotted on the shelf for two years, but somehow, Dwight always manages to. "Don't you fucking do it," I snap as he dry heaves.

"I can't-" He throws up all over the first check stand.

"You motherfucker," I grunt disgusted, trying to get as far away from him as I possibly can. I feel around in my pocket for my bandana, but I must have left it back at Sanctuary. "Split up." By some stroke of luck, I find what I'm looking for in the office. I have a seat on the chair and pull that book from the inside of my jacket pocket, setting it on the desk. I don't remember the last time I opened a book, though it won't be to read it. The duct tape manages to keep the outside cover together, so I super glue the edge of the pages to the cover. This looks worse than when I started. Dammit. It's probably going to piss her off even more. I leave the office and almost knock her over when she runs right into me. "Uh, h-here." I hold the book out to her.

She carefully takes it.

I've superglued my damn fingers to the edge of it as I rip them away. "I know it's shitty, but I tried," I frown.

Her eyes light up as she inspects my work.

"I'm sorry, Alice."

She wraps her arms around my waist. "Thank you."

Great. Hugging. I let out a sigh. Guess I deserve this. I pat her on the head a few times, then take my hand away. "Am I still in trouble?"

"I haven't decided." She lets go of me and gets a cart.

I press my hand to the metal to keep her from pushing it.

"Alright, I forgive you."

"Good," I smirk, getting a cart.

"I've never been here before."

"I like it here. They have a lot of organic shit." I look over my shoulder when she stops in the isle. "Why are you laughing?"

"I just find it amusing to see you domesticated."

"Whatever, fuck you."

She laughs even harder.

I leave her alone in the aisle because I'm starting to get a complex about it. There's really not much here, but, I find a few things like vinegar and baking soda. I scoop out what's left of the dry beans in this wooden barrel and put them in a sack, then continue down the aisle.

Marshall bumps his cart into mine.

"The fuck?"

He raises his eyebrows up and down. "SR-25 and a Barrett M82."

"Where the hell did you find these?"

"Let's just say the previous occupant won't be needing them anymore," he smirks.

I pick up the .50 caliber sniper rifle. "Holy fucking shit," I laugh at the size. This thing is fucking huge!

"That favor you owe me? Yeah. I'm cashing in."

"What exactly are you going to shoot out of them?"

He takes a few steps back, grabbing a hand cart.

"That is a fuckload of fucking ammunition."

"Goddamn, I love America," he shouts, disappearing around the corner.

I circle my thumb around Lucille. "You jealous bitch, you know I'd never replace you with one of those guns," I smirk, tucking her under my arm.

…

Alice stares up at a shelf, contemplating how to get a box down.

I reach up and get it for her.

She smiles and opens it. It's a black tea kettle. "May I use my points on this?"

"Right now?"

"I know it's cheating, but I'm afraid if it goes in the supply room, it will be taken before it's my turn."

"A tea kettle?"

"Please," she begs.

I have every intention of giving it to her, but she seems a little emotional about the damn thing. "Put it in your bag. You don't have to use your points on it."

"Thank you so much. It's just like my mothers," she says a bit choked up. "Will you get a box of tea down for me?"

"What kind do you want?"

"The blue box please."

"Why does it say grey if the box is blue?"

"That's just the name of the tea."

"You know this shit's probably stale by now."

"Everything is stale."

At least that makes her laugh.

…

"Did you count this one?" I set a box down in front of Carson.

"Yes, the black trunk is next."

I slam my hand on the top before Dwight can open it. "That's mine." I drag it from the truck and set it to the side. "How are we doing?"

"Seventeen pages of inventory." Carson pushes up his glasses, leaning in the truck. "We've still got more than half way to go."

I give Carson my keys. "I want everything counted twice. Once here, then once it's in the supply closet. Dwight, Marshall, help him. Carson, bring my trunk up to the parlor when you bring back my keys. The three of you can have the next few days off."

"Yes, Sir," they respond.

I walk inside Sanctuary feeling a sense of relief for the first time in two years. The water tanks are full, our food supply is plentiful, and we have a well stock supply closet again. I pull Alice's hair by the ponytail before sitting down next to her in the cafeteria. "That ain't the book I gave you."

"I finished that one."

I lean over, reading the cover of this one. "'The War of the Worlds'."

"First edition," she beams.

"How much is this one worth?"

She flips her page. "Nothing."

"Smart ass."

"Thirty thousand or so."

"Holy fuck, maybe I should have written a book."

"Personally I think writers tend to reach their pinnacle well after their passing."

I don't understand how she's reading her book and talking to me at the same time. "What's your favorite book by this old geezer?"

"I can't say for certain because I haven't read all his works, but," she flips the page, then shifts her eyes upward, "definitely, 'The Sleeper Awakes'." She turns her torso towards me as her eyes light up. "It's about this man who sleeps for two hundred and three years-"

"You're going to put me to fucking sleep for two hundred years if you keep talking about it. What book haven't you read? Maybe it's in the parlor."

"Oddly it's one of his more famous works, 'The Time Machine'. That's what I was looking for in the Library."

"I can't believe I'm having this fucking conversation."

"Why are you even here? Don't you have plans?"

"Jesus, calm down, I was just joking." She shoots me a glare normally reserved for when I've offended her with some sexual innuendo. "Anyways, I brought more maps." I set them down on the table.

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me every time I do something for you. Besides, it's just a fucking map."

"I am grateful, theref-"

"Alright, whatever. You tell Carson about your shellfish thing?"

She nods, going back to reading.

"So, what, now you're going to ignore me?"

She sets the book on the table, closing it. "I enjoyed the time we spent together today," she blushes.

I'm rather blindsided by this confession of hers. "Tell me something else," I smirk. Yeah, so, maybe I'm eating this shit up.

"I feel safe when we are together. When you picked me up outside the camper, I remember thinking, I didn't want you to let go. It's not every day that we get a chance to feel that connection with someone. A connection that I've never had with anyone before."

I am at a loss for words. I knew she wasn't emotionless. That's her defense mechanism. I'm going to break this callous shell of hers. Until then, I'll just chip away some more. I tuck some hair behind her ear, revealing another scar on her forehead. "Tell me about this one," I say, rubbing my thumb across it.

"No."

"Who hurt you Alice?"

"No one."

I hold her by the side of her head, leaning in close. "Promise me if anyone ever threatens you that you'll come to me. That I don't find it out through someone else. Especially Dwight of all fucking people."

She nods her head.

"Say it."

"I promise."

"Well, I see you know what a fucking promise is," Rachel snaps.

"What did you just say to me?"

Rachel slams her hand down on the table. "You promised me dinner!"

I take my hand from Alice. "Does it look like I've had anything to fucking eat? I'm talking goddammit!" Why does everyone always have to take these moments from me? Then they wonder why I'm so goddamn insensitive!

"I don't give a shit, this is our night, but I see who you'd rather spend it with," she yells, hurrying up stairs.

"She'll come around once she sees the gift you acquired."

"I knew I should have fucking told her no! Shit," I grumble, chasing after her. She's already cried all the makeup off she put on for me when I get to the parlor. "Where is everyone else?"

"They left, because unlike you, they knew how important tonight was to me!"

I sigh, rolling my eyes. "Rachel, come on, I'm fucking sorry, okay? I got distracted on the way up here."

"Distracted? Fuck you."

"Alright, I deserve that, but that's enough."

"You'd rather spend time with that fucking whore than your wives?"

"You better watch your fucking mouth!"

"Go to hell! Leave me alone!"

I start to walk towards the parlor door.

"Seriously?"

"What?!"

"You're not supposed to actually leave when a woman tells you to leave her alone!"

"Rachel, do not play mind games with me! I'm not going to get on my fucking knees and grovel for your forgiveness. I told you I was fucking sorry, now get the fuck over it. I don't have all night to argue about making one fucking mistake!" I reach in my pocket and slam the necklace down on the end table. "Here. That so called whore help me pick this out for you. She thought you might like it because of your tattoos on your arm. If it was up to me you wouldn't have got shit and this is exactly fucking why!" I leave the parlor, slamming the door behind me.

She comes running after me. "Negan, I'm sorry!"

"You're only sorry because you feel guilty."

"Please, just come back in here." She grabs me by the hand. "I'll make it up to you."

"Rachel, you're on thin fucking ice."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called her a whore. I feel like an asshole."

"You are an asshole. You've been picking fights with everyone!"

Rachel bursts into tears, falling to the floor.

Here I thought this couldn't escalate any further. "Why are you crying?"

"I can't tell you."

"Tell me, or quit sniveling."

"I love Nicole."

"She not feel the same way?" I scoff, rolling my eyes.

"What? You, you know about us?"

"Of course I do."

"Don't burn our faces, please," she sobs.

"If I was gonna burn your faces, I would have done it six months ago. What does this have anything to do with you being shitty with everyone?"

"I don't have anyone. You hate me. Nicole is always busy working on Doctor stuff."

"That is not true, Rachel. I don't hate you. Why do you girls always think that?"

"Why don't you ever make love to us? In your bed. Why can't you hold us at night? Why can't we kiss you?"

"Rachel, you know just as well as I do that this isn't a fucking marriage. You keep me happy, you don't have to work for points. That's as far as it fucking goes. Whatever illusion you've created in your head is on you because I have always made it clear where I stand on that. Maybe being a wife isn't for you and that's a damn shame if that's the case."

"A shame? You'll just replace me the second I leave. Who in their right mind wants to be your wife anyway? You're so fucking mean!"

I squat down and grab her by the cheek. "Maybe I'm guilty of taking my anger out on you girls, so I'm sorry. There's a lot that's expected of me and it's fucking exhausting. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, but that's nothing that you did. You girls are very important to me and I want you to be happy."

Her eyes well up again. "Really, Negan?"

"Yes, Rachel."

"I'm sorry for losing my temper."

I pick her up and give her a kiss on the forehead.

"I feel special," she blushes.

"Yeah, you fucking should," I smirk. I have a seat on the chair, letting her sit on my lap. "Pull your hair up, let me put this necklace on you."

"It's beautiful."

"Are you still upset?"

"No, and it's not you." Rachel lays her head against my chest. "Will you hold me?"

I move my arms around her. Ugh. This is so fucking stupid.

She ends up falling asleep after a few minutes, so I put her in her bed.

"Well, there's something you don't see every day," Sherry smiles, closing the door.

I move the covers over Rachel and blow out her oil lamp.

"Will you draw me a bath?"

"Sherry, I'm good to you girls, right? Every day one of you are crying over something I did. That's not how it's supposed to be."

"These girls know what being with you means. For them to expect anything more, that's on them. I wish they could have seen the look on your face that day you told Carson to stay with us."

"You know, some days I'd be really lost without you."

Sherry walks over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "I know, affection," she teases.

I groan, rolling my eyes. "Rachel made me hold her. Isn't that punishment enough?"

"I could make you hold me, too?"

"How about that bath?"

"Now we're talking."

"Hey, uh, those books over there? Did you see one called.. the washing machine or some shit? Wait, no, that ain't fucking right."

"Who is it by?"

"Some dead dude, fuck, I don't know. It's about a guy that sleeps for two hundred years."

"'The Sleeper Awakes'?"

"Yeah, that's fucking it! No, wait, that's her favorite book by him." I frown, rubbing the back of my neck.

Sherry giggles.

"What?"

"You really like her, don't you?"

"Fucking forget it."

She grabs the sleeve of my jacket. "I'm sorry. That was kind of tasteless. Alright, let's think."

"What are some other books he wrote?"

"'War of the Worlds.'"

"No, that's the one she's reading now. Fuck, it's like right there because I remember- 'The Time Machine', that's it," I smile.

"We don't have that one," she says reluctant.

"Of course we don't."

"Look, I wanted to talk to you. Thank you for putting up with my shit last night. I know that I acted pretty stupid, so thank you for not taking advantage of it, and for, well, you know… affection."

"I don't know what you're fucking talking about. Last night never happened."

"Gotcha," she smiles.

* * *

I hit Vic on purpose when I walk past him in the cafeteria.

"Can't you fuckin' see that I'm standin' here?"

I jab my finger into his chest. "Can't you fucking see that I'm trying to get by?"

"You think you're gonna rile me up? I'm here to fuckin' stay."

"We'll **fuckin'** see about that."

"Fuckin' bullshit," Vic mumbles, walking away from his tray and leaving out of the front doors.

Connor shakes his head. "Why are you always up Vic's ass?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"If you don't like him, kick him out."

"I can't just start kicking people out because I've got a problem with them. He pulls his weight and for the most part, keeps his mouth shut."

"I like him. He's funny. Plus he doesn't use a weapon, so that's gotta account for something."

"Yeah. Insanity."

"Cut him some slack, Negan. Until he gives you a reason to, all you're doing is putting a wedge between the two of you. You never know, one day he might save your life, or in your case, choose not to."

As much as I don't want to admit it, Connor's right. I ain't saying shit to Vic though, but I guess I'll ease up on him.

…

Amber waves a condom in front of my face.

"No." I move her out of the way.

"What else did you get them for? Don't act like you're not curious about fucking me."

I know I have my rules about fucking her, but what can I say? I don't want to turn the poor girl down when she's practically begging me for it. "Bend over the arm of the lounge." I lick my fingers and run them between her legs.

"No need for that."

"I'll say. Fuck." I wipe her off on my pants before pulling myself out. Just like I figured, my left hand would have been better. Right as I'm about to give up, she starts pushing back against me. "Yeah," I grunt, digging my fingers into her hip.

"Are you close? Hurry."

The best part of fucking Amber is this fake orgasm she ends up giving me because at least she's putting effort into that. I close my eyes and think about fingering Alice that night in the parlor. Her pants unzipped just enough to let me in. She'd call me Sir as she grinds against my hand. I wouldn't even have time to clean my slick fingers off before Sherry walks back in. She'd notice Alice's flushed cheeks and quickly hurry out of the parlor. Then I'd use my wet fingers to jerk off with and spill right between those pouty lips. "Fuck," I grunt, emptying in Amber. Wow. I'm surprised. I almost went an entire four hours without a dirty thought about Alice.

"Let me help you clean up." Amber's cold fingers jerk the latex from me.

"You don't have to take my dick with it!"

"Such a baby," she grumbles.

Well, that was disappointing. Should have fucked her titties instead.

Sherry cracks the door, poking her head in. "Was that Amber I heard?"

"You fucking pervert."

"You know what I mean. I just know how you are about Amber, so I thought it could be Alice since the other girls are downstairs playing cards."

"Don't get me all turned on again."

"Negan," Amber shouts from the bathroom. "There's a hole in the condom!"

"No shit, how do you think I got my dick in it?"

"I'm fucking serious!"

I zip my pants up. "Are you fucking with me- oh my God," I yell when I see it with my own eyes. "Get in the shower or something!" I shove her into the tub and flip the water on.

"Ow! Not so rough!" She pushes me away.

I end up tripping over the damn rug. "What do we fucking do? Sherry," I yell.

"I know, I heard. Calm down. I'll be right back."

"Don't fucking leave me!" I let out a whine and face Amber. "What the fuck are you waiting for?"

"A shower isn't going to do anything. You're an idiot!"

"Fuck you!"

"Yeah, and look what happened?"

I lean over and grab my ankles. "Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, I'm going to fucking puke, I know I am."

Sherry rubs my back. "No, you're not."

"It wasn't even that fucking good!"

"Go to hell," Amber yells.

"I'm fucking there, trust me!"

"Everyone calm down." Sherry wraps Amber in a towel. "Take this pill, okay?"

Amber nods and leaves the bathroom with the pill.

"Really?" Sherry slams the door. "God you're an asshole! Out of anything you could have said to her, you tell her it wasn't even that good?"

"Well it wasn't!"

"I'm going to slap the shit out of you the next time something that insensitive comes out of your mouth."

"Good, maybe it will wake me up from this fucking nightmare."

"Look, it's going to be okay. The same thing happened to Dwight and me six months ago. I took the pill, I'm fine.

"I can't be a dad, Sherry. I can't fucking do it. I'm a thirty six year old boy for Christ's sake!"

"I know, it's scary. Especially the idea of raising a child in a world like this."

I pull her to me, wrapping my arms around her waist.

She runs her hand through my hair. "You're kind of cute vulnerable."

I knew fucking Amber was a bad idea. I **am** an idiot.

"Really? Not even a fuck you, Sherry?"

How did I not notice a hole that fucking big?

She pries my hands from her and kneels down. "Negan." She tilts my chin up.

I shove her hand away. "I'm going to bed."

She pushes me into the wall and slaps me.

"Ow, what the hell was that for?"

"You stay in here until you clear your head. Now I told you, it's going to be okay. That's what the pill is for."

"Yeah, if she doesn't throw it up before it has a chance to work," I mumble, flipping on the sink to wash my face.

* * *

"You know Sherry goes before you."

"I tried to wake her up, but she said she was tired."

Damn. She must be in pain.

"Well?"

I move out of the way and let Rachel inside.

"Wanna fuck around?"

I shut the door and have a seat on one of the trunks. This will be a good distraction from yesterday. "Fuck yeah," I smirk, pulling myself from my pants.

Rachel drops her robe. She's wearing a pair of red stockings that go up to her thighs and that's it. She turns around in a circle. "Let me thank you for all the new lingerie I'm not wearing."

And thank me she did because I couldn't move after she was done. "How come you never sucked my dick like that before?"

"I'm insulted."

"Bullshit."

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yeah, that's why I fucking asked."

Rachel snickers and leaves the supply closet.

"You messed around with him out of spite," Nicole yells.

Oh God, not this again.

"Now you know how it feels," Rachel cries.

Nicole walks into the supply closet. "Did she give you head?"

"No, I'm just slump over the trunk with my dick out waiting for a taxi."

Nicole storms out of the closet, yelling Rachel's name.

Shit, I'm glad I'm stuck in here for that argument.

"They're fighting because of me," Joanna sighs.

I put myself away and zip up my pants. "What did you do?"

"Nicole was trying some of the toys you got us out on Rachel and I asked them if I could join. Rachel got all upset when Nicole said yes."

"I wanted to join," I pout.

"Nothing happened. They started yelling and I just went to bed. I feel kind of bad for causing an argument."

"Rachel would fight with one of those undead fucks. That's just how she is. Do me a favor, Sherry doesn't feel well. Look after her if you would and make sure those two keep it the fuck down so she can rest."

"Sherry was crying in the bathroom when I left."

"Help her put these patches on her lower back, okay?" I hand Joanna the box.

"Yeah, I'll take care of her. Please tell me you got something with peanut butter."

"I found some Easter candy. These peanut butter-"

"Oh my God, the eggs?"

"Yep, here. It was like a display or some shit."

"Have you ever had these?"

"No, I don't eat shit like that."

She rips open the wrapper. "Just try a bite."

"That looks like someone took a shit in your hand."

"If you don't like it, you can spit it out."

"What's in it?"

"It's peanut butter, covered in chocolate."

"I've never had chocolate before."

"Are you fucking kidding me? What planet are you from?"

"Whatever."

"Didn't you trick or treat as a kid?"

"No."

"Never mind, I'm not going to ask. Here." She holds the chocolate up.

I grumble, taking a small bite. One chew in and it's on the floor. "No." I run my tongue along my sleeve.

"You are the only person that would spit chocolate out."

"And I'll be the only one with all my teeth when all yours rot out of your mouth from all that fucking sugar."

"Mmmmm," she ignores me, eating another egg.

"Is it my turn?" Amber asks.

"Actually, I just need two more things." Joanna swipes some perfume and eyeshadow before leaving.

"You're letting Mark help David?"

"If he does a decent job, he'll replace David."

"Thank you," Amber smiles.

I won't ask her how she knows because she'll just say she overheard the others, but I have a feeling their days are numbered until I catch them.

Amber grabs a jar of pickles and a pack of chocolate cream stuffed cookies.

"I see we have an heir to the junk food queen."

She gets some salsa, too.

"Hey, don't you want the chips to go with it?"

"No, I'm dipping the cookies in it," she says with a mouthful as she leaves.

"Fucking gross," I shudder.

Seth looks at Amber like she's lost her mind. "What the fuck did I just see?"

"Fuck if I know."

Seth tries on a few jackets before finally picking one and gets several thermal shirts. It's actually a really good idea because while everyone is fighting over clothes to stay warm once winter actually comes, he's set. "Will you look for comics the next time you're out? Anything with some big tits on the front."

"There's a few issues of Penthouse left."

"No, I like women in the comics better."

"Cartoons? Are you fucking with me?" Of all the fucking things I've jerked it to, never would I have thought to use a fucking comic book.

"It's not cartoons. They draw these women so life like, but better."

"Whatever you say. I'll stick to real women. Anything else?" Before I get any more weirded out than I already am.

...

I give Alice a double take when she comes into the room. "Are you.. smiling?"

"I'm pleased not to be doing this repetitious job."

I let out a loud laugh. "Yeah, it is boring as fuck."

"I thought you enjoyed intercourse?"

"Huh?"

"The phrase you just used. You're comparing the monotony of this job to intercourse."

I stare back at her. I don't even know how to retort to that. Never have I had anyone over analyze the shit that comes out of my mouth.

Alice sighs. "That was my attempt at another joke."

"You're just so fucking serious all the time, I figured you were just giving me shit."

"How many points for the mattress?" The blank expression is back.

"Oh, uh, nothing. You can take it. My thank you for all the help while I was laid up."

"You already gave me the tea kettle."

"Alice, aside from your help, I know that I've been really hard on you so just take the fucking thing."

"Very well. Th-"

"Don't fucking thank me."

"Alright." She starts to pull on the mattress.

I put my hand up to stop it from crushing her. "I'll bring it up when I'm done here."

"Than- uh." She fidgets with her hands some before grabbing a bag with a white comforter and sheet set inside, then a few hygienic items.

"Take tomorrow off, okay? I think we all need a break."

She seems disappointed as she drags the bag from the supply closet.

That's right. She uses that time to scout for her sister. I notice Vic out of the corner of my eye. This is my favorite part of the week. Making his dumb ass uncomfortable. I fold my arms across my chest, puffing it out some.

As usual, he doesn't utter a sound. He starts to get his weekly supply of vodka, but puts it back on the shelf. Vic cups his face, tilting his head upward. Blood runs down his face.

"What the fuck?"

"This ain't nothin' new." He wipes his nose with his sleeve. "These Doctor fucks, they just shove these pills down your throat and send you on your merry fuckin' way." He keeps them in an altoids tin.

"Doesn't look like you have many left."

He pops one in his mouth, then shoves the tin in his pocket. "Lucky for you, right?"

"You should have the Doctor get your vitals."

He unscrews the lid on the vodka and takes a swig. "He'll just make me quit drinkin' like the others tried to. Fuck that."

"What kind of pills are those?"

"I don't know," he shrugs, taking the tin back out.

I pull one out and pocket it. "I'll have him take a look at it. That way we'll know what to look for on runs."

"You're the last person I'd expect to help me."

"Longer you're around, the less work I have to do. Take tomorrow off, get some rest. I'll let you know about the pills."

He pulls another bottle from the shelf. "Thanks. That's real decent of you."

There's nothing decent about my intentions. Several people, including Dwight and Tara, have been sick. I want to know what's wrong with this motherfucker and what these pills are for. If he's got some illness, I won't hesitate to chain him to the fucking fence.

...

"Delivery," I smirk.

"Oh, yes. I'll take it."

"Let me in."

"I don't need your assistance."

I press my lips into a thin line and sigh.

"Alright."

I set the mattress on top of some pallets. "I see you're settled in." I look around the room. There's a small black table at the foot of the mattress where the tea kettle and some books are on. My head cocks to the side some. "So this is what you do with all those driver's licenses." She's taped them to maps on the wall. Some of the licenses are connected by yarn.

"It started with a guide to find my sister. I'd recognize some of the people. After a couple months, I had more than I knew what to do with, so I just started to chart everything."

"In case things are normal again?"

"Yes," she smiles, having a seat on the mattress. "I haven't slept on something this comfortable in two years."

"Wanna break it in?"

She faces away from me, pulling the marker from her book. "Close the door on your way out."

"You sure?"

She lays her knife on her leg.

"Fine," I grumble, starting to leave, but I trip over her small end table. I freeze so I don't have to duct tape another book."

She collects everything off the floor and sets it back on the table.

I notice a picture of a little girl sticking out of one of her notebooks. "Who's this?"

"Oh, uh, me." She pulls the photographs out of the book and hands them to me.

I snicker when I get a good look at it. "Years later and nothing's changed. You still give this exact look when you fidget with your hands." There's another one of her looking out the window. She can't be any more than ten in these photos. "You have any of your mom?"

She shakes her head no.

The next photo is her sister, followed by one of them together. "What about your dad?"

Alice takes the photos and thumbs through them. "I only have one photograph of my father."

Now I see where she gets that blank stare from. I get the feeling by looking at him, the guy can be a real prick. He's a smoker, although in this picture the cigarette between his fingers has long burned out. I hand it back to her.

"Do you keep any photographs?"

"Maybe."

"Will you show me one time?"

"That shit's kinda private."

"Oh, are they nude photographs?"

"What? No! The fuck?"

"You said they were private."

"Private as in off limits."

"Oh, I understand. Personal."

"Yeah. Personal."

Alice tucks the photos back in her book.

"I'll show them to you if we can test out your mattress."

"Goodnight."

"What if you just lay back and I do all the work?"

"How is showing me your photographs a fair trade for intercourse?"

My face grimaces. "Fuck you, too. It's a look into my life, something that I keep hidden from everyone. Something that I don't even offer other people. That I just fucking told you is private. I thought you would appreciate it, but I don't want to fucking burden you."

"I didn't-"

"No, I fucking get it, trust me." I slam her door behind me and start up the steps.

"Negan, please wait," she shouts, hurrying after me.

"Just fucking forget it."

"I apologize, I didn't think of it as you letting me in."

"What's the fucking point of letting you in anyways? It ain't like you'll do the same for me."

"Please stop."

"Go back to your room, Alice. That's an order."

"The scar on my forehead is from being hit by a wrench," she panics.

I shut the parlor door and turn around. "How did that happen?"

"A man wanted something of mine."

"You fight back?"

"Yes." Her eyes flood recalling the memory. "I killed him."

"That ain't nothing to be ashamed about," I grin devilishly.

"I suppose."

"I like it when you're fucking mean. The way you gouged that guys eyes out the first time I saw you. I still think about that day. Especially when you wrapped your hands around Lucille and let her do all the dirty work. I've never let someone use her like you did." Fuck, this is hot. "So, any chance you could help me with this?" I point at the bulge in my pants.

She shifts her eyes to the wall.

"I'll take anything. A titty in my mouth, licking my balls, strip tease."

She hurries back down stairs.

"Joanna," I yell, opening up the parlor door.

"Oh, good, you're home."

I unbuckle my belt. "Go to the lounge."

"Negan."

I flip her around, grabbing the back of her neck and bending her over. "Come on, I'll let you call me Connor." I slide my fingers between her legs.

She stills my hand. "Negan, it's Sherry," Joanna frowns, looking over her shoulder.

Dammit. Fuck! "What's wrong?" I put myself away and zip up my pants.

She points to Sherry.

I didn't even notice her in her bed. "Where's Nicole?" I sit next to Sherry and pull the patches from her back.

"You can't hear them outside? It's been nonstop for three hours."

"Stay with Sherry. I'll deal with them." I open the door to the balcony, taking the side steps to the roof.

"You don't give a shit about me," Rachel screams.

"It's always what **I'm** doing wrong, how **I'm** neglecting you."

"That's enough," I yell. "This back and forth bullshit ends tonight! Sherry is trying to sleep and you two are up here making all this fucking noise. Show some fucking respect for her. Rachel, I will not have this conversation with you again. Go get a fucking hobby and quit giving Nicole shit. Am I clear?"

"Yes," Rachel sobs.

"I'm sorry, Negan," Nicole frowns.

"Have some make up sex and go the fuck to sleep." I rub my temple as I make my way back to the parlor. "If they so much as give each other a dirty look, I wanna fucking know. Where's Amber?"

"She's in the bathroom. Her stomach is upset."

"Go get her some real food. Not condiments and cookies. I'll stay with Sherry." I sit on the edge of her bed, and touch her side. "Bad day?" I frown.

"The worst day I've ever had."

"I'll draw you a bath."

"Thank you," she whines, sniffing up her nose.

…

"Who do you want to help you in the tub?"

"Just help me."

"Uh," I rub the back of my neck, "I'm not really comfortable with that, Sherry."

"Keep your eyes closed, duh."

"Yeah, but what if I grab your tit or something?"

"Negan, please."

"No. I draw the line at this."

"Nicole then."

I step outside and point at the bathroom. "Nicole, help Sherry. She pulled her back again and she's all hunched over and shit." Fuck me, it's going to be a long night.

* * *

I open the thick black curtains, letting in the sunlight.

"Negan," Sherry frowns.

I sit down on her bed. "Have you even fucking moved in two days?"

She wipes her tears away. "No."

"Did you take those pills?"

"They aren't helping."

"Sit up." I grab her arm and put her into a sitting position when she doesn't respond. "I know you hurt, but you gotta help yourself. You know laying around all day doesn't help. Come on, we're going for a walk."

She starts to cry.

"Please stop that shit." I can see in her eyes how much she hurts. She's miserable. I pull her in my arms, letting her sit on my lap. Oddly, it makes her cry harder. "Am I hurting you?"

She shakes her head no. "You never hold me."

"I don't know how to make the pain go away, Sherry."

"You do enough for me."

"This is why I wish you would tell Dwight the truth. Christ, what if the Doctor knows some way to treat you? I'm tired of shoving pain pills down your throat and for what?"

"This is **my** decision."

"I know," I frown, rubbing her back.

"There are a few medications you can take to help with the pain-"

I hold her outward. "Why the fuck didn't you say anything sooner?"

"We can't risk people knowing."

"I'll go by myself. Write that shit down."

"No!" She reaches for my arm when I get up. "You are not going alone."

"I can take care of myself."

"Bullshit, or why else would you keep me around?"

"I ain't joking."

"That's a first."

"Sherry!"

"It could take days to find and even then, there's no guarantee that it works."

"I'm going. Write it down."

She gives me a couple different ones. "Please be careful."

"Don't lay in the fucking bed all day. Go on the roof and get some fresh air."

"Alright."

Maybe I'm in over my head. It's a foolish thing to do, but I go to the one person that I know can help. "I need you," I murmur, before continuing to walk out the front doors. Is this really a good fucking idea? Christ, I can't even think straight. "Do you know of any pharmacies?"

Alice shakes her head no. "I told you, I don't know this area well."

"Please, Alice. I can't use a map for shit."

"What's wrong?"

"I can't tell you, and we're wasting time."

"Very well. Let me gather a few things."

…

Alice gives the motorcycle a disapproving look. "We're taking this?"

"Yes."

"Uh, I, no. No. I'm not getting on that thing."

"You want to spend all day walking? The others have the trucks. Get on the bike."

"Don't these things come with helmets?"

"You're just in luck. Come here." It's a little big, but it puts her somewhat at ease.

Alice inspects the bike, then pokes at the leather seat. "I hope you're better at operating these things than my sister."

I help her on it before getting on myself. "I only wrecked once," I smirk, starting the bike.

She wraps her fingers around my jacket tight.

I let out a chuckle, getting a bit of morbid amusement from this. The only time she eases the death grip on me is to point her finger in the direction we're going.

"You can take your helmet off now."

She sets it on the seat. "Did you build this?"

"Last year."

"Is this what you were working on the other night?"

"When you were all turned on because I was shirtless?"

She folds her arms.

I snicker, pulling the list from my pocket. "No. My bike is going to take a lot of work before I can get it running again. Here." I rip the paper in half. "Anything else you can find while keeping in mind we only have your bag to put it in." Her half of the list is for the pills for Vic. Turns out he's got high blood pressure. I'm starting to become cross eyed looking at all these fucking names. Why can't the bottles just say Fibromyalgia cure? Dammit. Not it. I toss the bottle over my shoulder. Not even close. Nope. No. Fuck.

"I retrieved a large bottle for Vic, as well as Azithromycin."

"I didn't find what I need."

"Well, we keep looking then."

…

I wonder if Alice is getting sick. She seems a little sluggish today. "I remember the first time we went out on a run and you didn't speak for six hours. The thought of us alone used to bore the fuck out of me. Now I prefer it just be the two of us."

"That's to be expected."

"What do you mean?"

"My silence awards you control of the conversation and there's nothing you love more other than the sound of your own voice."

"Fuck you." I throw a plastic pill case at her.

She swats it away before it hits her. "I am serious."

I guess she only appears sluggish. "You talk too much," I laugh.

"Don't you find it convenient that this pharmacy is as well stocked as it is?"

"More for us."

"No. That's the alarming part. The contents of these bottles are empty, yet they were placed back on the shelf." She pokes several bottles, knocking them to the floor.

"Who fucking cares if someone straightened up after? Did you find anything useful?"

"I'd like to leave. I don't have a good feeling about this place."

"Go get on the bike and wait for me then. I want to check that shelf over there first."

"I want to leave now."

"No, Alice. Do what I tell you!"

She lets out a whine and grabs her bag, walking out the front door.

I'm about to give up when I find exactly what I need. I give my list a double take, but my eyes don't deceive me and there are four fucking bottles. "Fuck yes," I sigh relieved, scooping them up. "Unzip your backpack." There's still room in her bag so I want to go to that small drug store around the corner. "We're only going down the street, why are you wearing that fucking helmet?"

"Most accidents happen within a few miles of your destination."

I roll my eyes.

A black truck pulls up beside us.

I'm smacked over the back of the head and I fall to my knees.

"Let me go," Alice yells as two men force her in a truck.

"Hurry," the second man calls at the third, shutting the door.

The third man goes to jump in the back of the truck as it speeds off, but I hit him in the ribs with Lucille. I dig in my pockets for my keys and then remember that Alice has them. "Alice! Alice," I scream, running after the truck.

The truck speeds off completely out of sight.

My screams echo through the buildings as I fall to my knees. I press my hands to the scorching pavement and hang my head. "Alice," I whine. I gasp and snatch Lucille, running back to the pharmacy when I remember I have one of those men. I hold him by his hair. "Where are they taking her?"

"Fuck you, I ain't telling you shit!"

I make sure I drag him by his wounded side into the pharmacy.

"Let go," he cries.

"If you don't tell me what I want, I will cut every limb from your torso, starting with this one." I kick him so hard in the balls, I'm certain they're no longer there to cut off. I cover his mouth with my hand to muffle his screams. "What's it going to be?"

"We're two miles north. Rundown RV park. You can't miss it."

"How many of you are there?"

"Seven, including myself."

"Why did you take her?"

"People bring us supplies and we trade the women for it. We use the pharmacy to lure people in."

"You're trading women?"

"Depends on the girl."

I pin him down, pressing my knife between his legs.

"Okay, okay! Some women are kept at the camp, rather than sold. Gotta get your enjoyment somehow."

I sheath my knife and pick up Lucille, swinging her like a golf club right between his legs.

He lets out a blood curdling scream.

"Let's see how you force yourself on them now you motherfucker!"

He flops around on the floor like a fish out of water. "I gave you what you wanted," he sobs.

The only reason I didn't kill him is because I want him to suffer and I know he'll eventually die from blood loss.

"They're passing your girl around in the truck right now. She'll be kept for sure."

I stop dead in my tracks as my eye starts to twitch. There's a bottle of rubbing alcohol on the floor that I pour on his open wounds. I discard the empty bottle to the side and use my knife to cut his tongue from his mouth. "Your people have no idea who is coming for them." I make sure to prop the door open so the undead can finish him off. We passed that RV park on the way here. The thought of their hands on Alice makes me run faster. A plume of smoke catches my attention ahead. I see that same black truck, twisted around a telephone pole. "Alice," I yell, running to the truck. I can't tell the back seat from the front. The men in the truck have turned. I count three, but no Alice. I remove one of her knives lodged in the driver's throat. Where is she? I grip the mangled frame of the truck, lowering my head. "Alice," I whine.

"Sir," her tiny voice calls from the sidewalk.

I run to her, kneeling down. If she hadn't had been thrown from the truck, there's no possible way she could have survived that accident. That and this helmet I ridiculed her for. I scoop her up, holding her in my arms. "Thank Christ you're okay." I shouldn't have moved her, but I'm too fucking overwhelmed. "Let me look at you." She's banged up pretty bad, but thankfully she doesn't have any broken bones. "I should have fucking listened to you. That pharmacy is how they lure people in. I'm so sorry, Alice." I take her helmet off, checking her pupils for a concussion. They're normal.

"You came for me."

"Did they touch you?"

"No."

I let out a quick breath. She has some bits of glass in her forearms and hands that I try my best to get out.

"Sir, they kidnap women, then sell them for weapons and food. We have to help them."

"I got the location from one of the men." I reach in her pocket and get my keys. "Do you want me to carry you?"

"No, hurry," she yells frantic.

…

"Let us go," one of the men mocks the girls screams, then holds his stomach as he starts to laugh.

I grip Lucille tighter.

Alice hurries up ahead of me and quietly slits the man's throat that's closest to us.

I grab him before he can make any noise from falling on the ground.

"Pull the youngest one out again. I'll shut that mouth of hers up."

Alice chucks her knife ironically landing it right in his open mouth. Before the other man can reach for his holstered gun, she pins his hand to his side.

"Fuck," he yells, trying to pull the knife out.

She's just toying with this one. Another knife flies stopping only to castrate him.

Lucille and I watch as she drives her knife into his throat, over and over. "He's dead, come on, Alice."

Alice continues to repeatedly stab him.

"Alice," I yell, prying her off the man.

"I- I'm sorry," she stammers, wiping the blood from her face. "I got carried away."

"Are you okay?"

Alice collects her knives and searches around the camp for the girls. "Help me," she panics as she strains to pull on a grate in the ground.

"Step back." I yank the grate, tossing it to the side.

Alice clicks on her flashlight and shines it into the pit. "I don't see anyone."

"Wait," I yell.

"No, let go!" She shoves me and jumps down.

It's a seven foot drop. The pit is a giant metal storage tank. It's unbearably hot in here. "Alice," I call, clicking on my flashlight.

"Is it Bryan?" a girl asks, startling me when she comes out of the dark corner. "No," she screams when she gets a good look at me. She hurries into another woman's arms. "Not again. Please, he just put me back," she sobs.

I take several steps back and lower my head. I've never had a woman look at me with such fear before and it turns my stomach.

"It's alright," Alice assures her, "we're here to help you."

Two more girls come out of the corner when they hear Alice's voice.

"Another girl." They gather in close to Alice, touching her face. "You're not a slave?"

"No, and you're no longer slaves. Those men are dead."

The girls stare at Alice like she's lying.

"We have food, shelter. You'll be safe if you come with us."

"Safe?" They whisper amongst themselves.

Alice wipes the tears from her cheeks. "I know after what you've been through it's hard to trust anyone again."

"Anything is better than here," they agree.

"What are your names?"

The youngest girl is 19. "Clara," the mousy blonde speaks. Her emerald eyes overflow with tears.

The older lady holding her is probably around 55. She has long, dark hair and is heavier set. "Drew."

"Hannah," a brunette responds. She's the shortest of the group and only a few years older than Clara. Her hands are spread out on her stomach. She's several months pregnant.

"Lily." Lily is the same age as I am. Her pale skin is covered in bruises and gashes. She's in desperate need of medical attention.

Alice frantically unzips her vest as the girls all take a step back. "Have you seen this girl?" Alice shoves the picture in Clara's face.

"No." She hands the picture to Drew.

"Please, anything will help me."

"Yes, I remember her," Drew responds. "Beautiful long red hair."

"Where is she?"

"I don't know."

"Please, she's my sister. Please help me, she's just a child," Alice begs. "She's not even eighteen."

My stomach knots listening to this.

"She was only here for a day before she was purchased."

"Oh, God, no," Alice sobs, dropping to her knees.

"Bryan is the name of the man that bought her."

"Where is he?" Alice pulls her knife from her vest and gets to her feet. "I'll murder him."

"No," Clara cries, pulling on Alice's arm. "Bryan is a good man."

"Clara's right," Drew starts, "Bryan has purchased several of us. He was devastated when they told him how young she was. He took her right away. Wherever your sister is, she's safe with him."

"Was she hurt? Did they.. did they rape her?" Alice cries.

I can't fucking watch this shit anymore. I've never seen anyone as emotionally distraught as Alice is. I pull her into my arms, letting her cry into my shirt.

"No, they didn't touch her," Drew assures Alice, "but a few of her fingers were broken from trying to fight the men off. She had quite the temper."

Alice takes a deep breath.

She's heavy in my arms and I know she'll collapse to the ground if I don't hold her up.

Alice continues to cry with no end in sight. I wait for her blank look, but it doesn't come. "When did he take her?"

"About a year ago," Drew says hesitant.

"God, no," Alice whines.

"We haven't seen Bryan in a few months either. I wish I could be of more help, especially after what you're doing for us."

"We'll find her." I wipe the tears from her cheeks.

"Thank you," she whines.

…

"You okay?"

Alice shakes her head no, putting on the helmet.

I take hold of the straps and buckle it for her. "You're going to find her, Alice." I don't think she believes it. Hell, I'm not sure that I believe it or if I trust this Bryan character to be some kind of white knight. If it were me, I would have killed every man in this camp to set these women free, not fucking trade for them. Though I guess not everyone is like me.

"Thank you for comforting me."

"Can I ask you a question?" I wait for her approval. "You said your sister wasn't eighteen yet. Uh, how old does that make you?"

"I'll be twenty one in a few months."

"Oh," I murmur. I guess Sherry was right, she is young. "You said you were old enough to drink."

"You were treating me as if I were a child and I'm not."

"I'm sorry."

She seems indifferent to my apology.

"We're ready," Clara informs us.

"It's ten miles from here. Use the horn if you need to stop."

Clara nods and hurries to the truck.

When I climb on, Alice slides her arms around me, resting her head on my back. "May I lie like this until we get back?"

"No, but I'll give you two minutes."

"Five?"

"Three."

"Okay."  
...

"The room next to yours is empty. Put them in there."

"Thank you so much for saving them."

"You saved them, not me." In fact, it was pretty incredible to watch her save these women.

"Thank you for breaking your rules for me on the bike. Truthfully, I would have been thankful for two minutes."

"And I would have given you five. Goodnight, Alice."

"Goodnight, Sir," she blushes.

...

"Negan," Sherry yells, wrapping herself in her towel.

"Oh, calm down. I just saw your ass, no big deal."

She starts to slap me.

"I'm just fucking with you, my eyes were closed, but your face right now," I laugh.

"I hate you."

"That's too bad because," I set three bottles on the counter, and put one in her hand, "I got you a hundred and twenty pills."

"Oh my God," Sherry cries.

"Why.. why are you crying? I thought you'd be happy."

She wraps her arms around me. "Thank you so much, Negan."

Not this shit again. I suck it up once more because I know it won't last long. Still every second drags on and I'm ready to push her away after two.

Sherry smells my shirt.

"Stop smelling me!"

She leans over and inhales again, "You smell like-"

"Alice?"

"You took her with you?"

"She doesn't know anything, Sherry."

"Why do you smell like her?"

"Because I'm wearing her shirt. What do you think? I held her."

" **You** held her?"

"What was I supposed to fucking do? She was hysterical. Some guys tried to shove her in a truck, but she fought back. The truck flipped and she was thrown from it."

"I would have been hysterical, too."

"That's not what upset her. The guys that took her had some kind of barter system set up with locals in that area, only they were trading women. We brought four of them back here. The women said that Alice's sister was amongst one of the girls sold."

"Oh my God, that's horrible!"

I put my face against my hands. "I almost lost her, Sherry."

"You didn't and you saved those girls."

"I didn't save them. Alice did. Goddamn, she was amazing. She was determined to save those women and she did, without my help. They are in the room next to hers. Will you help them get settled in? I think the less men they have to deal with right now, the better. You and Alice can get them some things out of the supply closet."

"Of course. Let me get dressed."

I lock the door behind her and have a seat on the edge of the tub. My stomach is still upset as it churns and I fight not to throw up. I bring my shirt up to my nose, inhaling to see what Sherry is talking about. I do smell like her. It's faint, but it's there. Fuck, I really don't want to be alone.

…

I wait impatiently for Sherry to return pacing outside the parlor doors. It's been hours. "What's wrong?"

Sherry sweeps her tears away. "Lily is dead."

I sink my hands into my pockets. "Fuck."

"Right before she died, she said she was grateful not to have died in that pit."

"How are the other girls taking it?"

"They said that they knew she was sick for a while. I think they were prepared for it and equaly as grateful she didn't die there."

"Did the Doctor look all of them over?"

"He said they are fine. Hannah's baby is healthy. She's due any day now."

Another thing that turns my stomach this evening.

"The baby doesn't belong to those men. You know the guy in maintenance you always call Jason?"

"His name isn't Jason?"

"No, it's James. That's Hannah's husband. It was pretty emotional watching them reunited."

"Goddamn, that's good fucking news."

"Wait, where are you going?"

"I uh, I want to go see Alice."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Oh," I frown. "Did she seem upset?"

"Yeah, she was crying. I chased after her, but she went into her room. When I knocked, she wouldn't answer."

I sigh heavily.

"What can I do for you?"

"Nothing."

"Let me make you something to eat."

"No. God, no, I'm not hungry. I'm going to go work on my motorcycle."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No." Before I start down the steps, I look over my shoulder at her. "Thank you for helping them."

"Any time," she smiles.

Most everyone is asleep, except for a few people playing ping pong and someone eating. I go down stairs to the basement and pull out my keys.

"Negan," Alice calls.

It startles me as I drop them.

She hands them back to me before I can bend down to get them. Her eyes are blood shot from crying.

"What are you doing down here?"

"I- I didn't want to be alone and I saw you come down here."

"I was going to work on my motorcycle if you want to come inside and sit down."

She nods.

"You can have a seat on my work bench."

"Thank you."

I lift her up, setting her on it. "You bring a book?"

"No, I have several things to log from today."

"Look, uh." I turn around to face her. I don't know what fucking came over me, but I wrap my arms around her.

She takes in a surprised breath.

I hold her tight, laying my cheek on the top of her head. "I should have fucking protected you."

She moves her arms around my waist. "Stop," she begs.

"Did they touch you, Alice?"

"No."

"Are you being deceitful because you think it will hurt me?" I hold her tighter when she doesn't respond. Please, not this again.

"I was truthful in what I told you."

"I don't fucking believe you."

"I was clothed when you found me."

"That doesn't mean they didn't touch you."

"Please stop."

"Okay," I frown. I just wish I could think of something to say, but nothing comes out. Anything to take my mind off of what's going on. This is where her silence is frustrating and my hatred for small talk doesn't help. "Alice will you say something?" I let go of her when she doesn't respond. My eyes sink. Just fucking ask anything to distract me from these images being forced into my brain. It doesn't even have to be meaningful.

"Do you still keep your driver's license on you?"

I let out a relieved breath when I realize that she was searching for a distraction, too. Thank Christ. Oddly, yeah, I do keep it in my wallet on me. I guess it's just one ritual I can't let go of. "Why? Want to add it to your collection?"

"Yes."

I suppose I could give it to her. "Don't tell anyone my last name."

"I won't."

I pull my wallet out and hand it over.

She inspects the plastic. "This is expired."

A much needed laugh fills the room.

"Thank you." She pockets the license and opens her notebook.

"Guess I should work on my bike."

…

I look over my shoulder at Alice.

She's asleep on the work bench, using her vest as a pillow.

My lip slowly curls upward. It's a pretty good feeling knowing she trusts me enough to take it off while she's sleeping. I figured she'd wake up, but she stays asleep throughout the night. No nightmares this time. As much as I want to let her sleep, the sun will be up soon and I'm exhausted. I get her notebook off the work bench and tuck it under my arm. "Alice?" I carefully pick her and her vest up, carrying her back to her room. "Alice?" I call once more. She must be really knocked out. I lean over and give her a soft kiss on her forehead, lingering for a few seconds. Fuck, I have to get out of here before I do something stupid like fall asleep with her.

* * *

"Evening Ladies," I smirk, stepping out on the catwalk.

"About fucking time," Dwight scoffs, handing me a paintball gun. He aims his at one of the undead.

"Not bad," Marshall complements.

"Wasn't even my good eye," Dwight smirks, reloading his gun.

I tuck the gun under my arm and pour myself a drink. "What is this?" It looks like syrup. "Fuck," I cough, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "I bet undead taste better than this shit."

"Here," Connor starts, opening an energy drink and pouring some in my glass, "you drink it with this."

I'm skeptical, but try it again. "This shit is for pussies." I dump it over the ledge.

"Hey! I would have fucking drank that," Connor yells.

"Well, you are a pussy."

"Fuck you." He shoots at my feet.

I throw the metal folding chair beside me at him.

"Knock the horseplay the fuck off. The railing is broken and I'm not about to get thrown over the edge because of some bullshit about a goddamn drink," Marshall snaps.

"Maybe you should have given that drink to Marshall," Connor laughs.

Marshall shoots Connor in the neck.

"Fuck!" He grits his teeth, dropping to his knees.

I laugh hysterically, grabbing my stomach. "Marshall, you fucking kill me."

"Every fucking time it escalates into something physical and I have zero tolerance for the back and forth bullshit between you two when I'm looking down at a four story drop."

"Yes, mother," I jeer.

"Fuck. You didn't have to shoot me in the throat," Connor groans.

Marshall raises his gun again.

"Alright you fucking anal bastard!"

"Where's Carson?" I ask.

"He was eating with Alice. Now don't fucking get all bent out of shape," Connor tells me, standing up.

"Why would I get bent out of shape?"

All three of them look at me like I'm full of shit.

"I guess it didn't go too well." I point at Alice walking towards the gate.

"Watch this." Connor shoots her in the back of the leg.

I rip the gun from his hands and smack him over the head with it. "What the fucking fuck is wrong with you?" I yell.

"That was a fucking dick thing to do," Dwight snaps.

"I should fucking empty every one of these goddamn paintballs right into the back of your leg and see how you fucking like it!"

"Man, fuck her if she can't take a joke!"

A knife flies right over Connors head, sticking into the wall.

"Holy fuck," Connor gasps, patting the top of his head.

"She has five more knives," I inform Connor, inching away from him.

Alice glares at Connor.

Tara is giving us the middle finger. "You fucking prick, you try something like that again and you'll answer to me!"

"Oh, my god, she scares the fucking shit out of me." Connor cowers behind Marshall.

I pull Connor to his feet. "You get your fucking ass down there and apologize to Alice or so help me god, I'll shove this gun so far up your dickhole-"

"Alright, Jesus Christ! I'm fucking going, fuck," he yells, stomping down the steps. He stands in front of Alice and rubs the back of his neck.

"I can't hear you," I shout.

"Seriously?"

I raise my gun at him.

"I'm sorry, Alice"

"Ms. Alice," Marshall corrects him.

"Man, fuck you, stay-"

The three of us shoot several rounds into Connor.

"Fuck! My fuckin-"

"Watch your mouth in front of the women," Marshall scolds.

I've never laughed this fucking hard in my life.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Alice," Connor frowns.

"Man, get the fuck out of here!" Tara kicks him in his gut.

"I'm gonna piss my fucking pants," Dwight laughs.

"You forgot her knife," I yell down at him, waving it.

Connor groans and comes back up the steps, snatching it out of my hands. "Here," he mumbles when he gets back down stairs.

Alice takes it from him and sticks it back in her vest. She turns her attention to the catwalk, smiling up at me.

Connor pitifully trudges back up the stairs, dripping in paint. "I fucking hate all of you."

"You don't ever hurt a woman," I threaten. "You ain't fucking impressing anyone."

"You made your fucking point, I won't touch your girlfriend again!"

"Come up here with us," Dwight invites them.

"Sure, kick me when I'm down," Connor groans, plopping down on the rusted metal chair.

Alice shakes her head no.

"Come on," Tara smiles at Alice.

"No," she frowns.

"Do you mind if I go?"

Alice shakes her head no.

"Good job, Dwight," I grumble.

"Not exactly what I had in mind," Dwight murmurs, watching Tara hurry up the steps.

"Oh, fuck me." Connor unscrews the lid on his bottle and starts to chug it.

"Hey fuckers," Tara laughs. "What are we drinking?" She yanks the bottle from my hands and uses my glass to drink from. "How come you all never invited me up here before? I bet I could fucking out drink every one of you." She gives me the bottle back.

"We don't come up here to get shit faced," Connor snaps.

"Marshall, you gotta cigarette?"

Marshall gives her one, then lights it for her.

"This is kinda boring," Tara grumbles. "Oh, you know what we should do? Let's go sever some of the undead's heads and play soccer with them."

My brow wrinkles as I turn to face her. "No fucking way. Are you fucking crazy?"

"I ain't doing that shit," Connor says, disgusted.

"You have fun with that," Dwight tells her.

"This taste like shit," she frowns.

Well, at least we can agree on something. I don't know how Alice puts up with her. Tara seems to take all my obnoxious traits and amplifies them.

"Marshall, wanna screw around some?"

"Uh," he clears his throat, "no, thank you though, Ms. Tara-"

"Yeah, you're way too fucking polite for me anyway." She looks all of us over. "Connor?"

"Why don't you talk to Seth? I think he was-"

"What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Maybe I should go so you all can fuck each other." Tara shoves her glass into me and trots down stairs.

The sigh of relief is unanimous.

"I feel sorry for Alice," Dwight comments.

"How did it go with Molly?" I ask Connor.

"I was fucking terrified at the shit that came out of this woman's mouth."

"As in?"

"Something called a chili dog."

"What the fuck?" Dwight laughs.

"It's where you take a sh-"

"That's e-fucking-nough. I don't want to hear about your girlfriend's fetish with chili," I snap repulsed.

"She belongs at a fucking outpost," Connor laughs.

"Speaking of outposts, there's something I want to run by you all. It's about Tara." I set my gun down on the chair and rub my forehead. "I think she needs to go to an outpost. At least just for a little while."

"She's one of the original eight though," Dwight comments.

"I know that and I didn't come to this decision lightly, but frankly, I'm a little concerned about her mental state. You heard the comment about playing soccer with their heads. What the fuck is that about?"

"Good riddance," Connor says, lifting his glass up.

I knew that Connor and Dwight would be no fucking help. Dwight plays devil's advocate on everything I say and Connor hates any woman he can't fuck.

"We'd be down a Lieutenant," Dwight points out.

"What about Alice?" Marshall suggests.

"No fucking way-"

"Calm the fuck down," I tell Connor. "I was thinking Seth would take Tara's place."

"All men. The way it should fucking be," he responds.

"We should have a vote," Marshall suggests.

"Vote on what?" Carson asks.

"About fucking time," I say.

"I was having dinner with Alice," he boasts.

"You hear that, Negan? He was having dinner with Alice," Connor smirks.

"I can bring Tara back up here," I remind him.

"No, God, fuck no, fuck me!"

"What vote are we having?" Carson asks again.

"I want to send Tara to the outpost with John. If everyone isn't in agreeance, she'll stay, but I think this is best."

"Outpost," Connor says, almost cutting me off.

I look at Marshall.

"Outpost."

Carson pushes up his glasses. "Outpost."

Dwight sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "Outpost."

"Alright, so it's settled. She'll be sent in the morning. Carson, have Dwight and Connor go with you to escort her out like usual. She's not going to go easily, so don't hurt her, please. Dwight's right, she is one of the original eight, but this needs to happen. Tuesday, we'll meet and promote Seth."

Marshall pats me on the shoulder a few times as he walks over to get another drink.

I know that I'm making the right choice, but I'll never fucking forgive myself if something happens to her.

...

"Negan, what's the story with those girls?"

"After what they've been through, the rules apply now more than ever."

"You ever think twenty years from now who's going to take our place?" Dwight says.

"You're fucking crazy if you think I'm ever stepping down."

"We're all pushing forty, well except Carson but, you plan on living forever?"

"Damn Dwight, way to kill the fucking mood," Connor scoffs.

"Think about it. There's, what, maybe five children here, three of which are girls."

"Negan, knock a few of them wives up," Connor smirks.

"Are you fucking insane? I do everything I fucking can so I don't have to take care of some snot nosed brat."

"That's what the woman is for," Connor chuckles.

"I don't want to hear something that ignorant ever come out of your mouth," I snap. "This is why I'm in fucking charge."

"Whatever. I'm going to see if that Cindy girl wants to mess around."

"That reminds me," Marshall puts down his gun. "I told Trixie I'd take her for a walk."

"You must really have a thing for redheads," I scoff.

Marshall ignores me and leaves.

Dwight should be leaving soon, too. I told Sherry she could go see him tonight.

"I'm kind of tired. Guess I'll turn in," Dwight says.

If he only fucking knew the shit I did. I look over at Carson.

He's watching Alice read at one of the tables. "So, you finally worked up the courage to have dinner with her?"

"Oh, uh," Carson blushes, "if we're being honest, I gave her little choice in the matter. I just kinda... sat down. Anyways, I don't think she's interested," he frowns.

"She's not interested in anyone." Not to mention she's fucking mine.

"Do you think you could do me a favor?"

"No more fucking pills. I just gave you an entire bottle."

"No, it's a personal favor. Can you bring me any antique looking watches or clocks you find?"

"What for?"

"Alice takes them apart. She says she collects the gears out of them."

"What the fuck for?"

"She didn't say, but I think if I could get her some, it might help my chances."

I quickly down the rest of my glass. "Yeah. I'll see what I can do," I mutter, leaving the catwalk.

"Thank you! Have a good night, Sir," he shouts back at me as the door closes.

I can't give Alice what she needs, and she can't give me what I want. This sooner I fucking realize this, the better. The word no is just not something I'm used to. I'm supposed to be the alpha male here! Fuck it, I don't need another wife anyway. Now if only I fucking believed that. I open the parlor door, standing in the doorway.

"You are such a bitch, Rachel," Joanna yells.

"Get your fucking fake plastic tits out of my way," she screams back at Joanna.

Sherry rolls her eyes as she passes by me to go down stairs.

And this is my life...

...

There's a knock on the parlor door.

"Fuck off," I yell.

"Very well," Alice murmurs.

I still Joanna.

"Why'd you stop, Negan?"

"I, uh." I look over at the door. Fuck! Fuck!

Joanna turns my face to her.

I'm thankful she's as dense as she is because Sherry would have seen right fucking through me. "Get me another drink."

"Right- right now?"

"No. Middle of next fucking week. Yes right now!" Why did Alice come up here? Is she still there?

"Here," she dryly tells me.

This drink turns into four, followed by the rest of the bottle, which wasn't but another glass. I haven't moved from the lounge. In fact, my pants are still around my goddamn ankles. Joanna is asleep beside me. I guess she got sick of waiting. I reach for the blanket and cover her with it.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asks, taking the empty bottle from my hand.

"Don't act like you care."

"Of course I care. I love you, Negan."

I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough. "Go to bed." I grab the waist of my pants and pull them up. "Stop fucking crying. Yes, I'm okay."

"How come you never tell us that you love us back?"

"Because I don't."

"What?!"

"Love is complete bullshit, Rachel. The sooner you fucking realize that, the better."

"You're wrong."

"Human beings aren't made to love. We're made to fuck and reproduce. It's our own narcissism that makes us think otherwise."

"I know we feel love. It's the most powerful thing we're capable of doing."

"Well, it aint powerful enough to save someone from being brutally murdered and tortured in front of you," I yell, getting off the lounge and going down stairs. "Alice," I shout, beating on her door.

"I'll come by in the morning."

"I wanna talk now."

"No."

"Why did you come up to the parlor?"

"To say thank you."

"Bullshit. Open the door." I sigh heavily when she doesn't respond. "Alice, please," I beg. I've never sounded so pathetic as I try to plea with this woman. "Fine. You know what? Fuck it." Fuck her for making me feel like this.

…

"Couldn't sleep?" Sherry asks, closing the door.

"Haven't tried yet," I mumble, zipping up my pants.

Sherry walks over and sits next to me. "Where did you find Alice?"

"Girls, leave," I instruct them.

"Finally," Amber mumbles.

As they walk past me, I grab Rachel's arm, waiting for the rest of them to leave.

"More? Maybe include Sherry this time," she smirks.

"Sherry is mine, don't touch her!"

Rachel frowns and takes her hand from Sherry's hip.

"I want you to keep an eye on Amber."

"What for?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, I'll do as you ask. Do you want anything to eat?"

"Just don't bring me anything from a fucking box."

"Alright." Rachel hurries out and closes the door behind her.

"Sherry, what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't talk about Alice around Rachel."

"Why does it even matter if you're counting the days until she's a wife?"

I grit my teeth. "Just do what I tell you." I growl.

"Fine," she sighs, standing up.

I sink back in the lounge and run my hand down my face. "I found her not too far from here. She was being attacked by a group of men."

"She's not a police officer is she?"

"No, she's not," I tell her, starting to become irritated by these roster of questions.

"The other night I saw her leaving the bathroom as I was closing Dwight's door."

I sit up straight "Did she fucking see you leave his room?"

"No, I swear."

"Jesus Christ, Sherry. You need to use your fucking brain. If you two get caught again, it's over. You're going back to earning points."

"Like I don't know this? It's not the work that bothers me. It's Dwight knowing I'm sick."

"Sherry, what's your fucking point?"

"The girls usually shower around the same time. She goes before everyone wakes up."

"That doesn't mean fuck all. Fuck, I wouldn't want to shower with a bunch of men."

"I thought that too, until I walked in on her tonight. She was getting dressed."

I sit up straight as the leather shifts. "Did you see her tits?" I lick my lips.

"Negan."

"You did, didn't you?! Holy fuck me, what were they like? Small? Big? Bigger than Joanna's? Was she completely naked or-"

"Negan," she yells, slapping me.

I let out a groan and slouch back against the lounge. "You didn't have to hit me," I mumble, rubbing my cheek.

"When I startled her, she turned around. From what I could make out before she put her shirt on, she has these gashes in her back."

She probably did it to herself because of what a masochist she is. "And?"

"Was her father abusive?"

"Sherry get to the fucking point. Whose dad wasn't abusive? My dad beat me with a belt every now and then but those were good days because it meant I didn't get hit across the head with a fire poker. If you're expecting me to show her sympathy because her dad left a few fucking marks, go sell that shit somewhere else."

"I can't fucking **believe** you right now. Who **are** you? I see the way you look at Alice. It's the same way I look at Dwight. Don't insult my intelligence by acting like you feel nothing for her."

Rachel comes back in the parlor. "You were right, Amber went straight for his room."

"I fucking knew it. Where is she now?"

"In the cafeteria. She didn't go inside once she saw me."

"Negan, I'm not done talking to you."

"Sherry, leave her alone and not another fucking word about it or you're gone! Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Sir," she frowns.

"Keep an eye on Amber, Rachel."

She nods and closes the door.

Sherry wipes the tears from her face.

I roll my eyes and go into my bedroom, slamming the door. I raise my arm up and pull what I think is a crumb from my skin. "Of course," I whisper. This is that fucking pill that Sherry gave Amber. The condom breaking story is complete bullshit. Amber is already pregnant, and she's trying to cover it up. The weight gain, the throwing up the last two months, the weird food cravings. I grip the pill tightly in my hand. I guess she tried to hide it in the lounge. Amber needs me now more than ever, which means I will finally have my revenge on Mark when I burn that motherfucker.

* * *

"Come in," I tell Alice.

She walks in, but quickly puts her head down. "I, uh, what time are-"

"We're not scavenging today." I tell her.

"Here's your shirt, Negan." Rachel says.

"Clean Joanna up," I tell Rachel.

"You're not going to watch?" She frowns.

"You want to watch this?" I ask Alice but she's already left. I let out a grunt and put my shirt on, grabbing my belt.

"Negan?" Rachel asks.

I slam the door behind me, putting on my belt and going down stairs. "You've got some timing." I tell Alice.

She says nothing, hurrying through the cafeteria.

"You want to slow down?"

She flings open the metal doors, and goes to the courtyard.

"Just fucking say it already, don't give me the silent treatment because it's starting to turn me on."

"I should know by now not to come up to your room."

"You're just curious about us, I get it."

"Why do you have to have so many wives?"

"What's the point of fucking one person when you can have two or three? Think about it, I'm fucking you, you're getting your titties licked by-"

"Negan!" Alice snaps, getting out her knife. "The vulgarity stops now, you leave me out of whatever goes on up there because it will **never** happen. The only reason you want me is because I have no interest in you. It's human nature to want what we can't have."

"There's more truth to that than you know," I murmur.

She drops her knife down some.

"There was someone else who I wanted to have… intercourse with. **Just** her."

Alice puts her knife back in her vest. "Why didn't you?"

"She, uh." I scratch my eyebrow with my thumb. "She was murdered." My eyes sink.

Alice goes to touch my chest, but pulls her hand away. "I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago."

"What was her name?"

"It doesn't matter. Look, don't worry, I won't ask you to have intercourse with me anymore." I snap, walking off.

...

I knew Alice would want to talk, so I purposely left the parlor doors open. I made sure I had all of them with me. Her big eyes stare back at mine for a brief moment before she runs off. My intention was to hurt her, but then I realize, how can I hurt her? She doesn't give a damn about me. All I did was further her reasoning that I'm some misogynist piece of shit. I hurry off the lounge and grab my shirt, throwing it on. She was fast, but I was faster and caught up with her outside of the gates. "Why are you running?"

"Why are you chasing me? For whatever reason, you left that door open on purpose!"

"I did it to hurt you."

"Get away from me," she yells, running off.

I grab her wrist, pulling her back. "Her name was Lucille." It's the only thing I can think of to keep her from running off.

She stops resisting and stands still, losing her hostility. "Lucille? Your baseball bat?"

"Yeah," I whisper, letting go of her hand.

"Was she your wife?"

"No, but she was everything to me." I have never told a single person about Lucille or my past. Even after eighteen years, it still fucking hurts. "I don't want to talk about it. What would be the point? I can't bring her back. Why do you even care, Alice? Because you've made it so fucking obvious you don't give a **goddamn** about me! You just use me for protection like everyone else. Well, fuck you. I hate you for making me talk about Lucille," I scream.

Her eyes well up as she turns around and runs back inside.

"Fuck," I yell as I rip off one of the undead chained to the fence and tear it apart with my bare hands. I need to get as far away as fucking possible from this place before I bring down this entire goddamn fence.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N If you have not read the comic, the last scene is a direct spoiler from it. As well as the next few chapters.**

* * *

_"That is a meaningless gesture. Why hold onto someone when you know you must let them go?" – The Guardian_

* * *

I take another chug from the bottle of whisky and use my other hand to lazily try and hit the ball with the pool cue. I miss and lose my footing, falling over. The bottle shatters as I groan and slump against the wall. Fuck me, that was half a bottle. "What are you doing here?" I slur.

"I don't know since you hate me."

"I was fucking angry. I don't want to argue."

"You don't know what you want."

"I want more to drink."

Alice bends over and slaps the shit out of me several times. "Quit feeling sorry for yourself!"

"Stop hitting me," I yell.

"You're lucky that's all I do after the way you talked to me."

I sigh and lower my hands. "I'd apologize, but you don't care. That and you don't give a fuck about me," I frown.

She sits down next to me and turns my face so I lock eyes with hers. "Your crass assumption about my feelings towards you because we don't have intercourse is not fair." She rubs my reddening cheek.

"Why won't you fuck me?"

She takes her hand from me and starts to leave.

I pull her back down. "No, god, Alice, why won't you just fucking talk to me about it?"

"It makes me uncomfortable!"

"Did you tell Dwight?"

"Why would you think I'd tell Dwight?"

I fold my arms, repulsed by my own jealous words about to leave my mouth. "I know you two are close."

"I thought you were close?"

I let out a breathed laugh. "Dwight hates me. Sherry, my first wife, was married to Dwight before everything happened. When I gave the girls the option, Sherry chose me over Dwight."

"You gave your wives a choice to be with you?"

"Of course I did! What kind of a sexual deviant do you take me for?"

"I didn't mean to imply that."

"Look, that crazy shit you walked in on, I would never expect you to be a part of. They will leave and it will just be us, and only when you want to. I don't force any of my wives to do anything they don't want. Besides, Rachel is always willing."

Alice lets out a disgusted sigh. "I'm supposed to be okay knowing that I have to share you with other women?"

"Are," I cock my head, "are you actually... jealous?"

"There's bound to be jealousy in matrimonial polygamy."

"Heh, I know Lucille gets jealous." I eye Alice lengthwise. "Especially when it comes to **you**."

"Tell Lucille I could never take her place."

"Goddamn woman, the shit that comes out of your mouth makes me fucking crazy."

"You make me pretty crazy, too."

"I don't think we're talking about the same kind of crazy," I grin devilishly.

"May we please change the subject?"

"Alice, talk to me."

"No! I told you, intercourse makes me uncomfortable."

My eyes fixate on the broken bottle shattered in pieces. Did she not trust me? A million reasons why she was uncomfortable about sex forced their way into my head. It's pointless to speculate. Alice didn't deserve the way I talked to her. I don't hate her, in fact it's the opposite. I've been blinded by this constant obsession over fucking her, that I haven't realized just how close the two of us are becoming, and it is dangerous. "I owe you an explanation for the way I acted."

"No, you don't owe me anything. Things got heated. I understand."

She doesn't understand. Especially when I push her away after this. The only way for her to understand the distance I need to create between us, is by telling her my most coveted secret. Then I go back to my wives and sever any feelings I have for this woman. "I don't really know where to start." To know Lucille means she has to know the reason I found Lucille and that's just one more painful memory.

"Start where you want. The rest will come."

"Alright." I stall, scratching my head. I hear a gunshot as it startles me. It's just my imagination because it's the same one that wakes me from my sleep. My eyes well up. I didn't even get to tell her goodbye. At least she didn't suffer.

"Sir-"

"Just give me a second." One more second and they'd both be alive because I would have murdered the man who took everything from me. "When I turned 16 my mom and I fell on some pretty hard times, though it was always pretty shitty, this was the first time we were homeless." I don't think I can do this. "I sound pathetic as fuck."

"No, you don't. It's difficult to open up to people. It takes a piece of us every time we share something. Your past isn't something you should expose because you feel obligated. It's not a mattress or a tea kettle. It needs to be on your terms."

"You're right, but you deserve to know the truth, Alice." Maybe she won't hate me. "My mom remembered one of her regulars at the strip club talking about this guy named Leon. She met with him after her shift and made the decision to go into prostitution. Leon told her that he would take care of us, but in return, wanted the money. The plan was for me to graduate and then we were going to leave. I fucking hated seeing my mom like that and begged her to stop. In fact, I tried to quit school. I told her that I would get a job and take care of us, that she didn't have to be some guy's whore. She made me promise that no matter what, I wouldn't give up on school. So I worked my ass off for her, and if you can believe it, graduated early. Leon became spiteful when he found out we were leaving. He said that she wasn't going anywhere. That she belonged to him. When we tried to sneak out one night, he shot her in the back of the head while I was trying to hotwire his car. Then turned the gun on me."

Alice covers her mouth as tears run down over her hand.

I almost fucking lose it. That night is forever burned into my brain as I held her bloody body, crying for her to wake up. "I told Leon to fucking shoot me. I didn't want to be in a world where my soul reason for survival was taken for me. Leon blackmailed me into my mother's murder. He had this elaborate scheme that I went crazy because I didn't like her prostituting anymore and killed her. Fuck, I didn't know what to do, I was just this dumb fucking kid. My mom did everything she could to take care of me and I- I, oh, Christ, I couldn't even protect her."

"We can talk about something else."

No. Just keep going. "Leon's plan for me was being his drug mule. It lessened the risk for him. In addition to prostitution, he controlled the drugs. I should have fucking killed that motherfucker from the second we met. Then my mom would still be alive. Lucille would still be alive."

"Wait. Your- Your mother is Lucille?"

"No. Lucille. Lucille was Leon's wife. Goddamn she was beautiful. She was one of the few women that actually caught my attention." I wonder if Alice realized what I said, though she probably didn't. It's why I like her blank stare so much. Because she can show such little emotion, and it still have such an effect on me. "Like any other day, I knocked on Leon's door to give him his money and go over the next shipment. It was open, so I went inside. I couldn't fucking believe my eyes. Lucille was fingering herself as she watched two women in their bed. I couldn't look away and she caught me, huge fucking boner and all. It was so fucking embarrassing. Lucille brought one of the girls over, and the next thing I knew, I lost my virginity while Lucille watched."

Alice flushes the deepest red I've seen yet.

"I guess I won't go in to details on all the things Lucille used to watch me do."

"Some things are better left between two people, or, three in this case."

"Smart ass."

She looks away from me.

I love it when she gets worked up over that insult. "Anyways, Lucille loved to watch people fuck. She told me that's why she didn't mind her lifestyle because she could watch the other girls with their clients. Well, I wasn't about to let her watch some other guy, so I told her she could watch me. At first, I couldn't believe my luck, right?"

Her brow knits. "I suppose?"

"Yeah. That's what I thought too, but I grew to fucking despise it. I didn't want to get in bed with a random girl. I wanted Lucille. One night I grabbed her hand so she could join us. She hauled back and slapped the shit out of me. Lucille said I would never touch her with my filthy hands again and demanded that I get out, that she had no use for me anymore. I got down on my knees and told her that I loved her, that she couldn't do this to us. She laughed in my face. Lucille said that love isn't real because human beings are made to fuck and reproduce and that it's our own narcissism that makes us think otherwise. I refused to believe it and begged her not to end this. I wasn't ready to lose someone else so soon. Lucille said that I would have to earn her trust again before she'd ever reconsider our arrangement. I wanted to show her how much I loved her, so I did whatever she asked. When she needed something, I stole for her. When she needed an alibi, I lied for her. When a client got too attached, I killed for her. I just kept hoping that one day, she would stop all this shit. Our relationship became even more toxic. She wasn't the one watching anymore. I was. When she was with a client, she made me stay hidden. I watched men call her derogatory names while they put their hands all over what was mine. They humiliated and disrespected her. Every time hurt more than the time before it. Especially when they'd fuck her from behind and she'd stare back at me like she was purposely trying to hurt me. One night this guy, he had some kind of a rape fetish or something and I fucking lost it. I bludgeoned him to death with her ashtray on the coffee table. I told Lucille I was fucking done and I was leaving. She asked me to take her with me, away from everything so we could start a life together. I didn't fucking believe her, she just didn't want to lose her puppet because I had asked her so many times, and every time it was some bullshit excuse why we couldn't leave. Then came the hollow, I love you. It hurt, because I knew she was just trying to appease me. She eased herself down on the bed and asked me to make love to her. I couldn't fucking believe what she had just said. Neither could Leon, who was standing in the door frame the entire time. I tried to protect Lucille, but he carried brass knuckles in his pocket. One hit to the head and I was on the floor. When I woke up I was tied to a chair. Leon made me watch as he-" I push my eyebrows together, dropping my head. "Christ, Alice, I can't describe what it was like listening to her scream. Begging me to help her. Her cries every time he forced his way inside her." I let out a deep breath and press the palms of my hands to my eyes to trap my tears.

"Oh, gosh," Alice sobs.

"Lucille turned to me after he had his way with her and told me again that she loved me. She thanked me for showing her what it meant. It was the last thing to ever leave her mouth. Leon beat her to death with his brass knuckles. He kept looking at me while he did it. He cared more about hurting me than the fact he killed her. All he loved was money, and that's all she ever was in his eyes."

Alice reaches for my hand and curls her fingers around a few of mine

I rub her knuckles with my thumb before holding her fingers tighter. "It never fucking goes away. I see Lucille in my dreams, I hear her screams when I'm awake. It's my fault she's dead and it's my fault I didn't stop my mom from being shot."

"You can't blame yourself for any of that."

"But I do! Just like I blame myself when those men took you."

"I won't let you put that burden on your shoulders." Her big blue eyes overflow with tears, just like Lucille's.

"Alice, being in my life comes with a price. It's the reason I call you Numbers. If anyone were to find out how much I truly care for you, I would fucking lose you, too. That's why I have the rules I do. It protects me from getting close to anyone ever again and losing them to a fucking maniac. This is why I'm telling you about Lucille, so I can put a distance between us. So you'll know my reasoning why I'm pushing you away."

"Don't push me away."

"Then don't make me! You know the only way this can work between us."

"I won't be a wife."

I turn my hands, opening them up to show her my scars. They're worse than the last time she saw them. "Why don't you want me, Alice? Do you want me to bleed for you, too? It doesn't have to be my hands. I'll wear the stigma somewhere else for you."

"Please, don't," she begs, sobbing.

I grit my teeth, looking away from her so I don't lose it, too. If she's not in the parlor, I can't protect her, and I won't lose someone else again. "I have to do this, Alice." I listen to her cries, hoping that any minute she'll get that blank stare, and everything will go back the way it was.

"Maybe if I tell you why I am the-"

There's a loud noise from behind the bar that startles us.

Alice pulls out her knife.

"No," I mouth, reaching for her arm.

She moves out of my grip and hurries around the bar. "I don't see anything."

"It's probably a rat." I slip my knife back into its sheath.

"Your forearm is bleeding."

I bring it up some. I must have cut it on that broken bottle.

Alice puts her bag on the bar and pulls out a few things.

I gesture my arm out at her. So this is how it ends? No closure between us. It just ends. She'll never tell me, but I know she's fucking hurt. Mostly because I've come to this decision without her. "Are you sick?" I ask, noticing the dark circles under her bloodshot eyes.

"Tired," she responds. "I think you need stitches."

I let out a long groan.

"The glass that's in your arm is stopping the bleeding now, but when it-."

"Glass? Get it the fuck out!"

"I'm uncertain how to remove it."

I grab it and yank it out.

"You can't-"

"Too late." Blood spurts from my arm, getting on her vest. I reach into my pocket as my brow furrows.

She presses her hand to my arm to stop the bleeding. "What's wrong?"

"Where did I put my fucking bandana?"

"You gave it to me when I cut my wrist."

That's where it fucking is. "What did you do with it? It was my mothers, I want it."

She reaches into her bag and pulls it out, gesturing it at me.

I snatch it from her hand.

"I apologize."

"Finish my arm so we can get the fuck out of here. I don't like being without Lucille," I demand. Now I've devastated her. Good. This is best.

"Yes, Sir," her dry voice tells me. Her face is as empty as the day we met.

I'm sorry, Alice, but you'll understand one day. I stuff my bandana back down into my pocket when I notice the bottom cabinet is open. "Someone's been in here." There's also several things out of place and just about all my liquor is gone.

Alice ignores me, tending to my wound. "I did as best I could," she says after a few minutes, wrapping the rest of the bandage around my forearm.

"Talk to me."

"I understand now why you cover her in barbed wire. Touching her comes with consequences. It also explains why you don't have intercourse in your bed. It's a reminder of all the women that weren't her, and the painful memory of what Leon did to her in it."

"Do you see why I have to push you away?"

"No. I'll never understand why you think creating a distance between us will keep me safe. I just wish you would have pushed me away sooner. Especially because you're all I have." She picks up her bag and leaves the bar.

My chest tightens as I watch her leave. Goddammit, I knew this wouldn't be easy, but her words fucking sting.

…

"Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice," I repeat myself, trying to annoy her. "Alice, Alice, Alice."

"Something isn't right."

I narrow my eyes and have a look around. "You went the wrong damn direction," I yell.

"Well maybe if you weren't acting like a child, distracting me!"

My senses perk up.

"What is-"

I put my hand to her mouth, pulling her so she's close to me. I extend my index finger, pointing south.

There's several men ahead.

Alice takes off.

I grab the back of her vest and pull her to my feet, kneeling down.

She looks at me wide eyed as her lip trembles.

"It's okay," I assure her. My head is nudged forward by what I'm assuming is a gun.

"You keep tellin' her that," someone laughs. He whistles loudly and it alerts the other men. "I got two! One's female," he shouts.

Alice scoots closer to me, curling her fingers against the fabric of my shirt.

The guy leans over and pulls my knife from its sheath. "Where's your camp?"

I let out a menacing laugh and look over my shoulder at him. "Are you threatening me?"

"No. We're all threatening you," another person says, grabbing Alice's arm.

"No," she yells, trying to stab him.

He almost breaks her wrist, knocking the knife from her hand.

I pull Alice back and punch him in the face.

Several guns are raised at us.

"Hold your fire," he demands, wiping the blood from his nose.

My eyes drop and I look down at Alice. I slowly bring my hand up to her vest and pull another knife from it. "Pussies," I jeer.

"Fuck you," he yells.

I lodge the knife into his throat and then pull him against me to use him as a shield from the bullets. I grab his gun before it falls to the ground and shove him aside, trying to use the tree as cover as I empty the clip of this gun. I'm shot in the leg and the left side of my neck but luckily, the bullets graze both of them. I fling the gun to the ground and lunge for the one closest to me to kill the last guy.

Alice steps in front of me and takes several bullets as she throws her knife before she hits the ground.

"No," I scream.

Alice curls up on her side, letting out several uncomfortable whimpers.

I kneel down and grab her cheeks. There is no way I can get her back to Sanctuary before she bleeds out. "What the fuck were you thinking? Oh, Christ, I told you, you were going to get hurt," I yell. "Why would you fucking protect me?"

She unzips her vest, struggling for air.

I look down, shaking my head. There's no blood.

She unbuttons her shirt. "My vest," she grunts.

I put my shaky hands on the bulletproof vest she found at the station.

"Let me catch my breath."

"Don't ever do something that fucking stupid again, Alice." I loosen the Velcro so she can breathe a little easier without the confines of this vest.

She's shot twice in the stomach and once in the chest. She reaches under the vest and rubs the parts on her stomach where she was shot.

"Are you okay?" She shows me her shaky hand. That motherfucker broke her pinky. I quickly bend it back in place.

That seems to hurt her more than being shot.

I help her sit up before I go collect her knives. "Thank you, Alice."

She digs out the bullets from her vest then looks up at me with heavy eyes. "You're welcome," she says, starting to cough.

Fuck, I hope she's not getting sick like Tara and Dwight.

"It's a good thing you're so goddamn accurate with these."

"It didn't come easy. About 10 years of practice. Dwight wanted me to teach him, I can show you-"

"Alice, stay away from Dwight," I snap.

"Why?" She starts buttoning her shirt.

"Because he's married."

"You want me to take advice from you?"

"Shut up, Alice, you don't know a thing."

"You just told me you took his wife."

"She made her choice to be with me! Twice!"

"The way Dwight talks about her, I thought she was dead. I can't believe you sleep with his wife," she says disgusted.

"I've never fucked Sherry! I've never even looked at her that way," I yell.

Her brow furrows. "What?"

"Oh, fuck," I whisper. What have I fucking done? I put my hand over my face.

"I don't understand."

"Goddammit," I sigh. It's like my mouth is on fucking autopilot. "If you tell a single person what I just told you, you're going to fuck up everything we've worked for. Do you understand me?"

She just keeps staring blankly.

I grab her arm, shaking her. "Answer me," I scream.

"Y-yes!" Her face grimaces at how tight I'm squeezing.

I quickly let go of her.

She rubs that spot on her arm.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Why is she a wife if you don't have intercourse with her?"

"She's sick."

"What's wrong with her?"

I take a deep breath. "She has Fibromyalgia."

Alice's eyes widen. "The pills and patches," she whispers.

"Yeah," I frown.

"Why do you keep it from Dwight?"

"Sherry doesn't want Dwight to know. She thinks that by him knowing, it would impair his judgement and ultimately get him killed. This way, she doesn't have to work for points, and by her being in the parlor, he doesn't see the pain she's in." I help her to her feet after she zips up her vest.

"I won't say anything. You have my word."

I don't know why I'm worried. I know I can trust this woman. "Come here." I give her a piggy back ride back to Sanctuary.

...

I set Alice down and tell her to get some rest.

"How does this work?"

"I don't know, Alice."

"Shall I pack my things?"

"No, Christ, no. Your place is here. I just want you to know why I'm going to seem cold towards you."

"Very well."

"At least I won't be making anymore sexual advances." I never thought I'd say that, or see disappointment on her face admitting it.

She walks away, going inside Sanctuary.

"Fuck," I sigh, sinking my hands into my pockets.

"What if they followed you," someone shouts.

I turn my head towards a large group that's gathered. I make my presence known when I see men in the circle I've sent to the outpost. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Sir, we were ambushed. This fucking guy… he killed everyone at my outpost. Sent me to give you a message. Hilltop isn't giving over anymore supplies."

I almost don't fucking believe what I'm told. I know that fat fuck Gregory wouldn't suddenly grow a pair. "Who was it?"

"Rick. Rick was his name. He had others with them in a van and said they were protecting Hilltop from now on."

"Did you fucking threaten to kill them?"

"Yes, Sir. I told the-"

I grab him by his throat, starting to strangle him. "Saviors, we're not monsters. We don't threaten lives, especially when we don't know what they're capable of." I keep squeezing until his eyes slowly start to close, then throw him to the ground. "Connor, lock this sorry fuck in the basement for the night after you show him what happens when you break the rules."

Connor lets out a malicious cackle and grabs him by the lapels on his jacket.

"No, please," he begs as Connor drags him inside.

"Saviors, get back to your jobs." I wait until I'm alone with my Lieutenants. "Check in with all of the outposts. See if they know anything about this Rick fuck. Report back to me."

"Yes, Sir," they respond.

I head back inside, going down to the basement.

Connor walks out of one of the rooms as Carson locks it behind him.

"You kill him?"

"No, but he's a little bitch. Passed out or some shit after a few hits."

"Patrol the outside catwalks with Gary, Vic, and Mike. If anything looks suspicious I wanna fucking know. We'll meet up once we hear from the others."

* * *

"Where's Alice?" I ask.

"Sick," Dwight informs me.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?" David huffs.

"You still want that opportunity to be out there?"

"Yes, whatever you need."

"Dwight, take Vic, David, and some of the guys from the nearest outpost with you. Scout the area and see if the info we got on this Safe-Zone place is really where they're hiding."

"Yes, Sir."

…

"Alice," I call, stepping in her room.

She's facing the wall, completely still.

"Alice?" I tug on her blanket, tilting my head.

She's not wearing her vest. The back of her shirt is soaking wet as well as the sheets.

"Alice," I murmur, setting my hand on her arm.

She's burning up.

"Alice," I speak up, shaking her. I press my index and middle finger to her throat. It's faint. "Wake up." I pull the sheet all the way back, picking her up.

She puts her hand up, trying to push me away.

"It's me."

"Charli?"

"Negan," I grunt. "Alice, wake up. This shit isn't fucking funny." I shake her again, but now she's unresponsive. "Goddammit," I yell, going straight to the infirmary.

"What's wrong?"

"She won't wake up," I say, putting her on the table.

"Hmm, her fever is extremely high. Dwight had the same thing, unless she was bit?"

"She wasn't bit!" Christ, or was she? I look her over, but don't see anything. "What did you do for Dwight?"

"Nothing, he didn't have the points for antibiotics. He was just lucky enough to break his fever before it caused brain damage-"

"My Lieutenant could have fucking died and you didn't tell me? Because of points?"

"Sir, I was just going by your rules," he cowers.

"Brain damage?"

"When the body reaches a certain temperature, it causes damage to the brain and seizures. Eventually death. He takes the thermometer from her. "105.6. That's not good."

"Give her the medication," I scream.

"Ye- Yes, Sir," he stammers.

"And tell me what I can fucking do besides stand here with my dick in my hand!"

"Take her boots and socks off to try and help with the fever."

"No more today," Alice whines, pulling her foot from my hand.

"What is going on? What is she talking about?" I ask.

"It's from the fever. More than likely a hallucination or she's confused about where she is. Maybe a memory she's recalling when she was on patrol."

I don't tell him Alice wasn't an officer and take her socks and boots off. Maybe she's recalling that day when we rescued those girls. I fold my arms, letting out a sigh. "How fucking long is this going to take? I need her."

"She can't go out there. Sir, you don't understand how serious this is. The fever might be the start of an extreme illness. It's too soon to tell."

"Well, is she, uh," I frown, rubbing the back of my neck. "Will she be alright?"

"If the fever comes down, I think-."

"Think? That's real fucking reassuring." I pick Alice up, against his orders, and take her back to her room, setting her down on her mattress.

Carson pokes his head in the room. "Sir, is everything okay?"

"Tell the others we're on standby until Dwight's group gets back. Have them patrol the catwalks again."

"Is Alice going to be-"

"I don't know, now go," I snap at him.

He slams the door shut.

I brush some hair out of her face, looking her over. It's out of her braid today. I never realized how long it was. Long enough to wrap around my hand twice and pull if she was bent over. It's a damn shame a woman this good looking isn't more unchaste." Alice," I call, nudging her. I sigh as she still remains unconscious. "Damn." I sit down on the mattress. Hour after hour passes and still nothing.

The Doctor comes in again to check her temperature. It's the same.

"Fuck," I grunt.

"We just have to wait," he tells me before leaving.

I light her oil lamp before the sun sets, looking over at her.

Her breathing is getting worse.

"Alice, please wake up."

* * *

I open my heavy eyes, moving my head from the wall. Fuck, did I really fall asleep?

Her small fingers are curled around my forearm.

"Alice?" I eagerly ask.

She opens her eyes slowly, looking up at me.

I feel this sense of relief and the best way to describe it was when we found this place. "Well it's about fucking time, Jesus, I thought you were fucking dead."

She still doesn't say much but when does she?

I pull my arm away from her.

"Sorry," her groggy voice apologizes.

"Are you okay?" I frown.

"I'm uncertain."

I wish I could have a straight fucking answer from someone. I know she doesn't feel well by the way she's talking. "Get some more sleep. I need you in a few hours."

"May I get a drink please?"

"I ain't your fucking mommy."

Her eyebrows start to knit.

It's the most expression I think I've ever seen from her until I realize.. oh fuck!

_My mother died giving birth to my sister._

"Alice, I'm sorry, I wasn't fucking thinking when I said that."

Tears wet her cheeks before she rolls over away from me. She reaches for her vest and puts it on.

Fuck. "Alice-"

"You're right. What you said to me in the bar, I don't want to hear your apology, because I don't care."

"Is that really how you feel?"

"I feel nothing."

"Goddammit, Alice" I shout, "can't you see that I'm trying to do the right thing? For once in my life, I am putting someone else before myself! I don't want you to get hurt."

Alice sits up as her eyes narrow. "You came to this decision without me! It's not the right one, it's the easy one. I'm a fool for letting you in."

"I have told you every dirty, disgusting, painful, humiliating thing about me! You haven't told me fuck all!"

"I have said plenty, it's just not what you want to hear." She starts having a coughing fit before she rolls over.

No matter how angry I am, I can't fucking fight with her now. When I bring her glass of water, she's asleep. I have a seat on the mattress and rub my forehead. Her notebook is sitting on her end table. I make a list of everything Alice has ever told me about herself. She was right. It just wasn't what I wanted to hear. "Fuck."

Alice's door flings open. "I don't fucking believe this shit," Connor yells, leaving her room.

"Connor," I call, going after him.

He's standing on the catwalk with Dwight.

There's blood on Dwight's pants.

"What the fuck happened?"

"We're out there losing men and you're in there curled up with that cunt-"

I punch Connor in the mouth.

"Don't fucking put your hands on me because I'm telling you how it is! You think that mute fuck would pay you any attention if you weren't in charge? How many times have you fucked her? Oh, that's right. You haven't because she's fucking you!"

"Connor go to the outpost. Permanently."

"What?"

I fold my arms.

"Alright, settle down," Dwight intervenes.

Connor pushes him out of the way. "You- you're sending me to an outpost?"

"You fucking heard me."

"No. I didn't hear you. Because it sounded like you're sending me to an outpost with people like Donnie and John who are bat shit fucking crazy."

I grab him by the throat and push him into the wall.

Dwight grabs my arm trying to pull me off of Connor.

"I'm fucking loyal to you and this is the thanks I get? I gotta go sleep with one eye open next to those fucking psychopaths? Fuck you, Negan," Connor yells, stomping down the steps.

Dwight shakes his head at me. "You're losing it."

I stand in the doorway, staring at Alice. Fuck, he's right. My men are dying and I'm just sitting here. "Dwight," I yell after him. "Gather up everyone. We're going after these fucks."

…

"Oh, baby," I jeer resting Lucille against my shoulder. "We pissing our pants yet? Oh, boy. Do I have a feeling we're getting **close**. It's going to be pee pee pants city here **real** soon." I take a step closer, looking over each of these motherfuckers that have been killing my men. "Which one of you pricks is the leader?"

"It's this one, he's the guy," one of my men tell me.

I squat down. "Hi. Rick, isn't it? I'm Negan, and I do not appreciate you killing my men. Also, when I sent my men to kill your men for killing my men you killed more of my men. Not cool. Not **fucking** cool." I stand up. "You got no fucking idea how not cool that shit is, but I imagine you'll be up to speed shortly. Yeah. You're going to **so** regret crossing me in a few minutes. You see, Rick. Whatever you do, no matter fucking what, you **do not** mess with the new world order. The new world order is this, and it's **very** simple, so even if you're stupid, which you may very well be, you can understand it. Ready? Here goes, pay attention." I make sure his eyes lock with mine. " **Give me your shit or I will kill you**. You work for me now, you have shit, you give it to me. **That's** your job. I know it's a mighty fucking big, nasty pill to swallow, but swallow it you most certainly mother fucking will. You ruled the roost, you built something, you thought you were safe, I get it. But the word is out, you are not safe, not even fucking close. In fact, you're **fucked**. You're even **more** fucked if you don't fucking give me what I want. And what I want is half your shit. If that's too much, just make, find or steal more and it'll all even out eventually. This is your way of life now. The more you fight back, the harder it's going to be. Next time someone comes to your door, you fucking **let us in**. We own that door. You try and stop us, we'll fucking knock it the fuck down, **understand**?" I might as well be talking to the fucking wall. I put my hand up to my ear. "No answer? Well, you didn't really think that you were going to get through this without getting **punished** , now did you?" I know one thing is for certain.

Rick wasn't about to give up shit.

As soon as I let him go, he'd follow the tire tracks and find me. That meant one thing to show him exactly how motherfucking serious I am. Nothing like fear to do just that. " **Line them up**."

It's hardly a reaction from his group.

I get it. These stoic fucks have been running things for too long. They think they're invincible. "I don't **want** to kill any of you. Let me make that clear right from the get-go. I want you **working** for me, and you can't very well do that when you're fucking **dead** , now can you? I'm not growing a garden, but you killed my men. A fucking whole goddamn lot of them. More than I feel comfortable with. For that, you gotta fucking **pay**." I raise Lucille out to the side. "So I'm going to beat the **holy fuck fucking fuckedy** **fuck** out of one of you with my bat. Who I call 'Lucille.' Lucille has **barbed wire** wrapped around the end of her. It's fucking **awesome**. So, it's really just a matter of picking which one of you gets the honor." Now I've made the impression I've been looking for.

A little girl starts to sob. "Mommy?"

"Well, that's just precious, my little heart is breaking. A mother and her child, especially when the mother is way too hot to have a child that old. No way I can kill you." My eyes shift to a younger boy.

A dirty bandage covers his entire right eye.

"What's the story on this future serial killer? Shit fuck, kid. Lighten up. At least **cry** a little. I can't kill you before your story ends. Too fucking interesting." I walk a few steps and shake my head. "Not you, I'm a lot of things but I'd never want to be called a racist. No fucking way. You're off limits." My eyebrow peaks. "Same, race card." This next woman looks about as friendly as a hyena. "My, my, there's a lot of things I'd like to do to you, and killing you is at the absolute fucking bottom of that list. Still on it though." So, that left me with Rick the prick. "You? How stupid do you think I am? You're practically **invincible**. You're missing a fucking hand for fuck's sake **and** you're the leader. What have these people seen you live through?" I lean over some. "I bet they fucking **worship** you. I'm not going to turn **you** into a martyr. The name of the game is breaking you in front of them. I'll slide my dick down your throat and make you thank me for it, then they'll fall in line." I stand up straight again and put my arms out. "I simply cannot fucking decide!" I lower my arms and turn my head. What to do? What to do. I run my index finger and thumb across my brow as a sickly grin creeps over me. I look back at his group. "I've got an **idea**. Heh." Courtesy of my father when he'd use this tactic to pick out what he was going to discipline me with. I raise Lucille, pointing her at the little boy. "Eeny, meeny, miny, Moe.." I move to the next person, continuing down the line. "You. Are. **It**. Bring him up."

"Maggie," he yells.

"No! No, **please** ," A woman begs, putting her hand out.

Rick stands up. "Don't do this, you can't!"

"You have **fifty** fucking men surrounding you! **Fifty**! Sit the fuck down right **now** or you **all** die."

Marshall and another one of my men put this guy on his knees in front of me.

"Anyone moves, at all, cut the boy's other fucking eye out and feed it to the girl." I grip Lucille tighter. "You can breathe, you can blink."

"Rick," the mother asks as if he has any fucking pull on this situation.

The games are fucking done. "You can cry, you're **all** going to be doing that."

"Please. Please don't."

I raise Lucille and she comes down on him like the blood drunk bitch she is. The sound could be heard echoing in the streets, followed by the surprised gasps and cries from Rick's group.

His hat falls from his mangled head.

I smirk. "Holy shit, he's taking it like a **champ**!"

"M- M- M- M-"

"You in there buddy? I just don't know. Seems like you're trying to speak but you just took a hell of a hit. I cracked your skull so much that your fucking **eye** popped out. Its gross as shit. I don't think-"

"Mag- Maggie!"

I do not like being interrupted so before he speaks again, I swing Lucille across his face, shattering his jaw.

Teeth fall to the ground as he slumps over.

"You bunch of pussies, I'm just getting started. Lucille is thirsty." It's amazing the integrity of the human body. I mean, I beat the living fuck out of this guy, yet there was still a good chunk of him left. Shit, Alice made it look easy. "Heh, Lucille is a vampire bat," I laugh as I observe my work. Sometimes I don't think people appreciate my sense of humor. "What? Was the joke **that** bad?"

The big bad Rick looks up at me with tears in his eyes. "I'm going to kill you."

I take two steps forward, getting right in his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Speak up." I lean over so my ear is even closer.

"Not today, not tomorrow **but I will kill you**."

Empty threats are so fucking adorable. I stand back up as a smile consumes me. "No, you won't. Your best fucking chance is right now. Stand up and put a knife in my throat, drive an axe into my face. Go ahead, as soon as my body hits the floor my Saviors will fucking fuck you people up until your insides are outside. Worse than your little Asian friend, for sure." I grab Rick violently by the chin. "In fact, you want to keep acting tough, like I still need to break you and I'll have a few of my boys run a train on your boy. Got at least a few that'd be into that sort of thing. Want to test me?" I swallow my own words because I'm not proud of them. I slap him across his face. "Well? **Do you**?" I was angry with myself and took it out on him by punching him so he falls to the ground. I pull myself together. "I know this is hard for you. You've been the king shit motherfucker for so damn long. Bossing people around. Being **in charge** so long you're probably addicted to it." I know I am. "Hell, you probably thought you had this world all figured out. Managing the dead, gathering supplies. Might have even been a **long time** since the last person died before **we** came along."

Rick starts to sit up.

"Working together, that's all over now. Done. Gone. **Dead**. It's time for something **new**." I turn on the ball of my heel. "Everything has changed, Rick. Things are going to be **different** from now on. You're entering into a whole new world. It didn't have to be such a painful birth. **You** made it that way." I look back at him. "I just hope, for your fucking sake, you've realized how things work and where you stand in all this. Things have changed, Rick. Whatever you had going for you, that's over. You answer to **Me**. You provide for **Me**. You **belong** to **Me**. Welcome to a brand new beginning, you sorry fucks." I head for the truck. "We'll come for our first offering in **one week**. Until then, ta ta."

Marshall is already in the truck when I climb inside.

"Didn't want to watch the show?"

"No," he says, disgusted.

"You put him in front of me."

"I did as you asked. It doesn't mean I have to like it. Look, they fucking started this shit and killed the others, I get it, but the way you went about it was not what I expected. It just reminds me of what I pulled Dwight from. Those fucking psychopaths."

"You want to kill me now? Go join Rick?"

"Wouldn't be here if I did."

"Marshall, sometimes I don't understand a fucking thing about you but I respect you enough to agree to disagree.

"Likewise, Sir."

"Whatever you're thinking about won't do you a fucks bit of good. It's done."

"Just an eye opener is all."

"For?"

"That were a lot closer to war than I thought."

"You're goddamn right about that." In fact, if they ever write a book on this shit, it will be a two part series.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I will skip some panels of the comic. This is more of a general idea and some insight to what Negan might be thinking through all this. For those of you that haven't read the comic, you should heh, the flow might seem a bit strange, so hopefully you're not too lost. Feel free to message me with questions if need be! I'm also not going to bold the exact dialogue like the comic anymore (Negan emphasizes everything lol), just a few key words like I've always done throughout the fic.**

* * *

"Well?"

Marshall shuts the driver side door. "Undead were feeding on them."

I run my hand over my mouth. "Did you fucking see his body?"

"No."

Seth comes around the side. "I tried to find his crossbow, but I didn't see it. There were fucking limbs everywhere, we didn't get a good count, but we think everyone is dead."

Marshall sighs. "We were hoping he had come back."

I guess it ain't a complete fucking loss considering Vic was with them. "Not a fucking word to anyone about this. As far as they need to know, Dwight's group is still out there."

"Do we keep searching for him?"

"No. Keep an eye on things around here, we're going to the Safe-Zone in two days." Fuck, I could really use Alice right about now.

"Thought we gave them a week to get supplies?"

Marshall and his fucking punctuation is going to get him knocked right in the fucking jaw one of these days. "Let them think they still gotta couple of days to prepare an ambush."

Two men step down from the back of the truck.

"We found these two not far from the Safe-Zone. The one with the vest is Patrick, and the one in the cap is Steve."

"Marshall, go over the point system with them and get them something to eat, then put them on the east side for the night." I eye the two men over and grunt displeased by their shady fucking appearance. "Make sure they understand the rules. **All** of them."

"Yes, Sir."

This day continues to go down the shitter when I see a police car pull up in the court yard. Guess I spoke too fucking soon. "I see you managed to get this one back without bringing half of the fucking county with you."

"Did Dwight make it back?"

Vic's concern for something other than himself is unexpected. I figured he would have some fucking smart ass comment to retort with. "No." In fact, it looks like he's been out there searching for him a few days now.

"Fuck. We found that Safe-Zone place you was talkin' about. Fuckers opened fire on us. We got split up after that."

"What a shame they're such bad shots," I sneer, heading for the front door. "Grady, open the fucking door." I pound on the tarnished metal. The thing about those meat puppets, they don't open the door so I've never felt a need to have a guard. Now I'm not taking any chances. "Grady, what the fuck," I yell again. Grady is the oldest resident we have. Figured I'd give him the least amount of responsibility even though he still fucks it up. Probably fell asleep with the bottle of cough medicine still in his hand.

"S-sorry, Negan."

I shake my head and start upstairs, running into the Doctor.

"Sir?"

"Watch where you're fucking going!"

"Alice won't make it through the night."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"Her fever is even worse today and she's struggling to breathe. I tried to help her to the infirmary, but she's refusing to leave her bed-"

I sprint up towards the third level, barreling into her room. "Alice?" I grab her face when she doesn't respond. "Alice, open your fucking eyes!"

She starts to cough up blood on her pillow as she gasps to take a breath.

I step away from her and trip, falling on my ass. Oh, god, fuck, is she turning into one of those fucking things? Is this why I'm supposed to create a distance between us? "Numbers?"

She sits up from bed, coughing up more blood onto the floor.

"Answer me," I yell.

Her raspy breaths are the only sound.

"Alice, please." I press my shaky hands to the concrete and push myself up, walking on my knees over to her. I grip her by the shoulders when she starts to slump back down. The last conversation we had ended in an argument, is this really fucking it? I slide my hands around her back, pulling her into my arms. The heat coming off of her is uncomfortable for me, I can't imagine what it's like for her. I gently stroke the back of her damp head. If what he said is true, any breath could be her last. It's not fucking fair. Dying because of some bullshit illness. She deserves to be here after all she has been through. I'm fucking angry that I didn't realize how serious this is, and for the things I said to her the last time we talked. "I'm so fucking sorry, Alice." I reach for my knife and pull it from its holster. I can end it all so she doesn't have to suffer. The only problem is that I can't fucking bring myself **to** end it. "Alice," I whine, bringing the knife up more.

She starts to cough again, getting blood on my shirt.

I quickly back away, clutching my knife tight. "Fuck you for dying on me," I scream, reaching back and punching the wall with my left hand. Bloody impressions are left on the wall after several forceful blows to the metal before slamming her door behind me. I back up into the railing and almost fall three stories to the cafeteria.

"Sir, your hand is bleeding," Carson notices. "Sir?"

"You don't fucking say," I respond dryly.

"Are you okay?"

My empty eyes shift over to him as I push myself from the railing. I drag my knife along the side of the wall like a fucking lunatic as it makes this god awful noise. I'm completely unfazed by it. My knuckles leave a bloody trail up to the parlor. I don't even close the door behind me and ease down on the lounge.

"May I go see Dwight?"

"No," I mouth. I always thought I was good at hiding my emotion on my face.

Sherry gasps. "How long have you known?"

"A couple days." I feel the sting of her hand across my cheek. "Where are you going?"

"To find him."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Try and stop me."

"I will fucking tie you to your bed if you take one step from the parlor! Marshall and Seth-"

"Two fucking people? You know if it was Alice's life in danger you'd have half of Sanctuary out there looking for her!"

My eyes well up. "Goddammit," I choke, dropping the knife and covering my face with my bloody hand.

"Oh, god. Is she.." Sherry kneels beside me. "Is she with him, too?"

I press my elbows to my knees and lean over, dropping my head. "Alice is dying." I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it won't go down. It's my mother and Lucille all over again. I curl my fingers around the denim of my jeans and start to feel suffocated.

"Dying? No," Sherry cries.

"I just fucking left her in her room, because I'm a coward and can't bring myself to end her suffering. Oh, god, what have I fucking done? I've left her alone to die. Sherry, I can't fucking breathe."

She wraps her arms around me.

I hug her back, squeezing tight, though I don't know why. It's no comfort at all. "What if she's fucking dead right now?" My anger is dangerous, misplaced.

Sherry cups my cheeks. "You find Dwight, and I'll save Alice."

She'd do that for me?

She unknowingly presses her hand to Alice's blood on my shirt, then gasps and pulls it back.

I hurry into the bathroom as I stare back at the blood in the mirror. It's more than I thought. I grab the back of my shirt and violently pull it over my head, flinging it from my hand. My skin is stained. I use my fingers to try and wipe the blood off, but it's only making it worse. "Fuck." I press my hands to the porcelain and take a deep breath. I've got to get a clear fucking head. I can't allow myself to die with Alice.

…

I ride until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. Eleven fucking hours. Nothing. My knees are weak as I try and use my upper body strength to pull myself up the stairs by the railing. I push open Alice's door after ten minutes of lurking outside of it. "How is sh-" My eyes shift side to side. Where is she? I haul ass to the infirmary. "Where's Alice? Is she.. is she fucking dead?"

"Sherry brought her up to the parlor when her fever went up another degree-"

"Alice," I yell as if she can hear me from down here. My fingers press against the parlor door and I stop myself from going inside. Oh, Christ. What if she's- I can't fucking say it. "Don't fucking do this to me again," I beg. "Please." I charge in the room. No one's in here, so I try the bathroom. Alice's shirt, tie, boots, and vest are on the counter.

Sherry has her wrapped in a towel as she shivers in her arms.

"What happened?"

"I put her in the cold water to bring her fever down." Sherry takes the thermometer from her mouth. "103.2, that's the best it's been all day."

Oh, fuck me, it's good news? I tuck wet hair behind Alice's ear that's clinging to her cheek.

"Can I talk to you outside?" Sherry whispers.

"Alice knows about you and Dwight. She won't say anything."

Her eyes well up.

I put my head down, shaking it. "I'm sorry." I move them both in my arms while Sherry cries. Nothing hurts worse than being robbed the chance to tell someone you care for goodbye. I fucking know that all too goddamn well. "Is she any better?"

"I think that people need to stop telling her that she doesn't have a chance. Let her sleep with me tonight." Sherry picks up Alice's clothes and takes them into the parlor.

I look down at Alice. How am I supposed to push her away now? Christ, a part of me almost puts her in my bed.

She brings her heavy eyes up to mine. "I'm so cold," she shivers.

I don't know how. She still has on her pants and a tank top. It almost makes me chuckle when I think about her in this bath with all her clothes on because she refuses to take them off. At least Sherry got her out of that stupid vest. Alice's voice is a welcome fucking relief considering just twelve hours ago I thought I'd never hear it again. I pull the wet towel from her, setting it to the side, then move out of my jacket, draping it around her. She puts her arms in the sleeves as I help her.

"Thank you," she cries.

My jacket is ridiculous on her. I dig for her hand in the long sleeve and help her out of the bathroom.

She's extremely weak and sluggish.

I have a seat on the lounge, letting Alice sit on my lap. What if she really doesn't make it through the night?

"Your pants are going to get wet."

"I don't care. Just close your eyes and get some sleep."

Her pathetic cough keeps getting worse.

"What can I do for you?"

"This is sufficient."

I rub the scar on her wrist.

She moves the sleeve down insecure.

Sherry walks over and folds her hands together. "Are you putting her in my bed?"

"In a minute. She's comfortable, I don't want to move her." Yeah, it was a bullshit fucking excuse, but I guess I was scared that any minute could be her last. At least this way, she'd be with me.

Alice falls asleep within seconds, her hand clinging to my shirt.

I like it when she holds me by it, like she feels safe.

"I think she has pneumonia. It explains her symptoms," Sherry says, sitting next to me. "I tried to help her out of these wet clothes, but she wouldn't let me. It was a war just to get the vest off her."

I lean over and give Sherry a kiss on the temple. "Thank you for all your help. I'll go back out in a few hours and keep looking for him, I just need to close my eyes for a bit."

She starts to cry. "I'm sorry."

I move my arm up, letting her scoot beside me before putting it around her. There's this dark side of me that hopes to find Dwight's corpse. This way she doesn't have to hide her pain anymore. I know it's fucked up because if anyone were to wish that on me about Alice, I would lose my goddamn mind.

Sherry rubs Alice's back as Alice struggles to breathe. "Even sick she's beautiful," Sherry smiles.

"The fuck are you talking about? She doesn't even look like herself."

"What do you mean?"

"Her eyes." I tilt her chin up slowly, careful not to wake her. "They're sunk in and squinty, well when they were open they were. There's also no coloring in her lips."

"Stalker."

"Fuck you, Sherry. My point is, she doesn't look like her-fucking-self."

She laughs softly, curling up closer to me. "This is nice."

This is a fucking nightmare. I tilt my head back and sigh.

* * *

Rachel folds her arms. "What the fuck?"

"Keep your goddamn voice down before you wake them," I growl.

"I don't give a shit! Fuck you," she screams, slamming the balcony door behind her.

It wakes both of them up.

"Sherry, take her." I hand Alice to her and run after Rachel.

Rachel comes charging down the side steps at me, taking a swing.

All the times my dad used to hit me, I've never had my nose broken before. I didn't expect it to bleed this much. It makes my eyes water from the pressure. I should have fucking told Rachel to pack her shit, but I get it. Jealousy makes you do crazy shit. In fact, I respect her a little more for it. She wasn't throwing her usual tantrum, she was fucking pissed. "I'm sorry, Rachel." I have a seat on the steps and grotesquely set my nose back in place.

Now, the waterworks start. "I'm so sorry," she sobs, plopping down beside me.

"You gotta stop this jealousy shit. You are always up my ass any time I show anyone some kind of attention that's not you. How do you think Nicole feels when you throw a fit over me? Like she's not fucking good enough for you."

"I love Nicole, I never want to hurt her."

"Look, I ain't gonna sit here and fucking lecture you and tell you what to do, but you are going to respect me, and you're going to respect Nicole. She doesn't have that much longer until she's our full time Doctor. You know how it feels when she's busy. Don't spend the fucking time you have together now arguing over this petty bullshit, Rachel."

"I'm sorry I broke your nose."

"Are you fucking listening to me?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Jesus Christ," I shake my head and go back to the parlor.

Sherry does a double take. "What happened to your face?"

"Nothing."

"You stupid bitch," Joanna sneers at Rachel.

Sherry glares at Rachel. "He might not be able to hit you, but I **will** if you ever put your hands on him aga-"

"It's handled," I scream at them. "Rachel, go get everyone breakfast. Everyone else chill the fuck out. Fucking daycare in here, I swear to Christ."

"Please be quiet. I can't hear," Nicole demands, pressing the stethoscope to Alice's chest. "Sherry's right. It's definitely pneumonia. It sounds like it's in both lungs." Nicole gives Alice a glass of water. "Here, take these," she whispers, rubbing her cheek. Nicole pulls the thermometer out of her mouth. "104.4," she sighs. "Sherry, let's get her in another bath." Nicole sets my jacket over the lounge as the girls take her in the bathroom.

I pick it up and frown.

"Don't worry," Joanna starts, rubbing my back, "Alice is strong. She'll be back to her silent self in no time."

I know she's trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't. Even if Alice gets better, why does it matter? I'm supposed to be pushing her away. Fuck. Why won't she stop being so goddamn stubborn and just become a wife?

Joanna waves her hand in front of my face. "Hello?"

What's the big deal anyways? It's just sex. Or intercourse. God, I fucking hate that word, and that stupid fucking vest, and that sickly gray colored long sleeved shirt.

Joanna grabs my dick.

I know something's wrong when I shove her hand away.

"Go in there with her, Negan."

"No. I can't fucking push her away if I keep chasing after her."

"Why would you push Alice away? Don't you want her?"

"I changed my mind," I grunt, bending Joanna over the arm of the lounge. At least this will stop the fucking questions, and get me out of my head.

…

Another eleven hours and no Dwight. I have more expendable men like Vic and that sorry fuck who threatened Rick to clear close to the Safe-Zone because I'm certain we're looking for an undead and I won't send Marshall to drag another corpse back home. Sherry is so goddamn hopeful when I walk into the parlor. I can't even look at her when I have a seat on the lounge.

She throws her arms around me before sobbing endlessly.

"You gotta pull yourself together, the other girls are in here," I whisper into her ear.

"Is it your back?" Nicole kneels in front of Sherry.

"Yes," I speak for her.

"Here, let me take her to bed." Nicole touches Sherry's shoulders.

"No," Sherry cries, clinging onto me tighter.

"Let her be." I take Sherry to her bed and lay with her when she doesn't release her death grip. It fucking hurts knowing that Sherry has kept her end of the bargain with Alice and I can't keep mine.

Her hazel eyes overflow with tears.

"I'm sorry," I frown.

"I can't help but think the worst."

"You know I will always fucking take care of you, Sherry. No matter what happens to him. You're my number one, remember?" I sweep her tears away.

"I'll never forget what you did for me that day."

"Was that the day you showed up all pathetic, hair in a sloppy pony tail, dirt under your nails, weary from working in the garden?" My lip curls upward recalling her appearance. It definitely didn't suit her. Not that corsets and stockings do. In fact, I hate it when she plays the part.

She gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Negan."

"I'm going to fucking tell him we made out if you don't stop that shit."

She starts to laugh.

I press my lips to her forehead before tucking her in. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she smiles. "Alice is in the bathroom."

Alice is curled up in a towel on the floor as Joanna brushes her hair. Her eyes move up as she gives me a soft smile. "You're back," Alice beams, before coughing.

Fucking. Fuck. Me. Her words are like a fucking shot gun to the chest. It fuels the twisted delusion that she's mine. If only I could take her in the shower and ruin all the work Joanna's done.

Joanna hands me the brush, giggling before she leaves.

I kneel beside Alice, taking her in. "Are you decent?"

"I'm in my undergarments."

I fling the brush on the counter and slip my jacket off, draping it over her.

She gets situated and hands over the wet towel through my jacket.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No, am I exposed?" She starts to panic.

"No, I didn't see anything." My jacket might as well be a fucking bathrobe for her.

"Why are you staring at me with such intensity?"

"Because I'm pretending there's more to this than what there is. The way you looked at me when I came in, like you were happy to see me," I rub the back of my neck, "no one's ever looked at me like that before. Greeted me with such a genuine welcome. Made me feel like I'm worth a goddamn."

"Your well-being is important to me. Even," her eyes sink, "if you push me away."

I clutch her cheek, lifting her chin up. "Alice, I-" I can't find the words. It isn't that I don't know what to say, it's how to say it. I just feel strangled by the hands of something else. Maybe it's logic. I really don't give a shit though. If I can't put it into words, there's gotta be another fucking way. I lean in a bit closer and lick my lips. My hand slides up into her hair. I fucking love it down, entangling my fingers in it just enough to tilt her head to the side a bit before enclosing the space almost entirely. "Alice-" The door opens, startling us as we bump heads.

"I just wanted to give Alice her pills- oh, sorry."

Fuck! Fucking fuck! Goddammit, why?! Why does this keep happening? Am I not allowed one fucking moment of happiness? I almost break every goddamn thing in this bathroom, but what would be the fucking point? I know why this keeps happening. It's the same reason it always happens. The fucking distance that I need to **enforce** between us.

"102.9, we're almost there, Baby," Nicole smiles.

Alice wraps her arms around me as soon as we're alone.

I let out a deep breath, holding her tight against me. Okay, so, I'll enforce it tomorrow. "Will.. you, uh- stay.. with me tonight?" You fucking pussy.

She's not thinking logically either, which I didn't know was possible, because she agrees almost as quickly as she moved in my arms when Nicole left.

"Get dressed, okay?" I turn around as she dresses, and yeah, I **could** have fucking snuck a peek in the mirror, but I **didn't**. If that ain't fucking respect, I don't know what is.

Alice gasps for a breath, holding her chest.

"What's wrong?" I panic. In this moment, nothing matters but Alice. Not this fucking war. Not my goddamn rules. Not my wives, or Lucille, and it's apparent when I walk past them, going out onto the balcony and up to the roof. The couches were a fucking nightmare to bring up here, but I've never been more grateful as I set her down and pull the blanket on her. I know I shouldn't cover her up more, but I can't watch her suffer from the fever, so once again my leather jacket swallows her. I scoop her hands up and wrap mine around hers.

Her teeth chatter. "You're going to become ill."

"I don't fucking care, Alice." I rub my hands back and forth to give her the illusion of warmth.

"Everyone has been so kind to me," she whines, starting to cry. "Sherry saved my life."

"They like you, Alice."

She shakes her head. "They like you."

"No, they don't," I laugh, wiping her tears away.

Alice inspects my face. "Is your nose broken?"

"Yeah. You want to patch me up?"

"I can't mend this one with gauze and antiseptic."

"That sucks for me." She doesn't acknowledge my attempt to be humorous, and I know it's because she's hurting. It fucking sucks. I want things back to the way they were. "You know what would make you feel better?" I know her muscles are soar from coughing.

She sighs. "Is it sexual?"

"No!" I try to act offended, but I just end up laughing. There's the Alice I miss. "Come closer to me."

"Please mind your manners."

"Manners," I scoff, reaching under my jacket and starting to knead her back between her shoulder blades.

"Oh."

It wasn't a moan, more of a surprised gasp, but I'll fucking take it.

Alice grabs her toilet paper roll and starts to blow her nose.

Goddamn, I'm a sick fuck because if she let me, she'd be on her back, snot and all.

Her hands are starting to crack from all the hand sanitizer she's using.

"You don't have to do that every time, you know."

"I do."

I grab it from her and chunk it off the roof.

"That was a juvenile thing to do. Honestly, and a complete waste of a full bottle. What did you hope to accomplish?"

"It stopped you from using the goddamn thing."

Her eyes narrow to slits. "It seems it was effective."

"Why do you fucking talk like that? Do you ever listen to yourself?"

"Do you ever listen to the expletives that spew from your mouth? The other day at dinner you managed to refer to the rib meat of a pig as something offensive."

"Fuck-chops? Well, the pig is a filthy fucking animal, what do you want from me? Why do you think they call that fucking thing a swine?"

Her eyebrows furrow in disapproval before they arch upward when I massage a different spot on her back.

"Quit moaning, it's turning me on."

"Only you would make a pass at me in my current condition."

"If you think this feels good, you should see what else I can do with my fingers."

"Shut up."

"Oh my fucking god," I laugh. "You must be sick with a weak-ass insult like that."

"I felt it best fit your simple mind."

"Go the fuck to sleep."

She seems proud of herself.

I think she likes trading insults. I do. It's fucking sexy. I know she'd have a fucking mouth on her in bed. Fuck me, she'd probably tease me, then slap the shit out of me when I come before she does.

"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"

"Is it that fucking obvious?"

"More so when you first walked into the restroom."

"Things are kinda fucking shitty right now."

"How so?"

"These fucks opened fire at some of the men at one of my outposts."

"I thought those were expendable men?"

"They are expendable, but you can only kill so many grunts."

"I understand now. Sherry seems troubled as well. Does this have something to do with Dwight?"

"Dwight's been missing for days."

"You're not searching for him, are you?"

How could she possibly know that? I still my hand and look down at her. "Yes, and.. no. Fuck, I don't know," I shrug. "Do you think that's fucked up of me, Alice? He could fucking be dead and sometimes I really don't fucking see the down side of it."

"If he doesn't return, you have no reason to keep Sherry's secret. In your mind, her secret means she suffers, but in her mind, that's how she can protect her husband. It's not cruel. It's rather tragic."

"Look, don't worry about it." I press my lips to her fingers.

"Germs."

"Still don't fucking care," I smirk against them.

She extends her finger outward and brushes my cheek with it.

My smirk goes real fucking fast. I want to drag my tongue up that finger.

"I don't think people give you the benefit of the doubt. I can say this because there was a time when I, too, had misconceptions about your character."

"I'm not trying to be a decent man. I'm just trying to make this shit show something worth living." I'm awarded a glimpse of her dimples before she curls up next to me.

"Good night, Sir."

I run my hand down the back of her head, before I kiss the top of it. "I need you better, Numbers."

...

"Negan," Rachel whispers, lightly touching my shoulder.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes, disoriented. "What?" I rub my eyes and sit up a bit as it wakes Alice. Shit, I fucking fell asleep? I must be more tired than I thought.

Rachel straddles me. "I want you to fuck me. Right here. She can join us."

This fucking poisonous harlot, and after what I fucking did for her.

Alice gives her the reaction she wants.

"Alice, wait," I call, shoving Rachel off me and going after Alice.

"Let her go," Rachel shouts. "Do you really think she's going to fuck you? She can't even say the word. What does she call it? Fornication or some shit."

"Intercourse." I shut my eyes tight and shake my head.

"A girl like that, means giving up all this." Rachel unhooks her bra and drops it on the ground. "You know as well as I do, that will **never** happen. Why waste your time with someone who wants to change you, instead of someone that accepts you for who you are."

"It's not like that with her."

"Look at you becoming all defensive."

I push my eyebrows together.

Rachel drops to her knees.

I should have fucking stopped her, but I didn't. In fact, I even encourage her behavior by giving her a moan. And people say I'm the Devil. Her warm mouth is so fucking wrong. I feel disgusting allowing myself to enjoy it, and when I come, it angers me. I'm ashamed by what I've done. Thinking with my dick, instead of what I know to be true. Alice has never tried to change me, but Rachel is right because I would have to give up everything for her. I have a seat on the couch and put myself away.

"You act like I'm taking advantage of you."

"Rachel, I got a lot on my fucking mind."

"Oh, I'm sorry you come home every night forced to have your dick sucked."

"Cut your fucking theatrics. I didn't say that!"

"You don't have to, the look on your face is like I raped you or something!"

"I fucking let her go, okay? You won! I mean, goddamn, what more does everyone fucking want from me? Fuck!"

"Let her go?" Rachel shakes her head. "When that whore is better, you send her to an outpost, or I'm done being your toy."

"Did you just fucking threaten me?"

"Take it however you want. Anything you want, I give you, anytime. Alice is fucking with your head and if you won't do something about it, I will. You're so fucking stupid. You had the perfect opportunity to let her die and go back to your **real** life. Not this make believe bullshit world you've created with her-"

"Shut the fuck up," I scream at her. I've never been so fucking angry in my life. I abruptly stand up, towering over her.

It frightens her as she runs off.

If Rachel is going to fuck with my head, I'm going to fuck with hers and no one is better at mind games than **me**. I fuck Joanna on the lounge closest to Nicole's bed, then motion my finger for Nicole to join us when she starts to watch.

"No," Rachel yells.

Nicole ignores her, and comes to the lounge. After everything Rachel has put Nicole through, I think she's just as angry with Rachel as I am.

I grab Joanna and Nicole by the hair and bring them together so their lips meet. "Yeah, that's so fucking hot," I speak up so Rachel hears. If this isn't painful enough to watch, afterwards, I follow Nicole to her bed, pulling Joanna with me as the two of them lay on either side of me. Rachel has always begged me to sleep with her. It's fucking uncomfortable, and I don't get two seconds of sleep, but the look on her face makes it worth it. She doesn't threaten me. Ever.

* * *

"Fuck," I grunt. How are we already out of fucking water again? Mark's been alone six fucking days and has already managed to fuck things up. "Joanna," I yell, flinging open the bathroom door and putting back on my dirty shirt.

"Help?" She licks her sultry lips.

"Go find Mark and bring him up here!"

"Aww," she pouts.

"Amber, wake the fuck up." If I was really cruel, I'd make her suck my dick and have Mark walk in on it, but I think a little humiliation is in order.

"Sir, they are waiting outside for you," Carson informs me.

I have a seat on the lounge and start to put my socks and boots on. "Tell them we're leaving in ten."

"Yes, Sir."

"Amber," I call again, lacing my boot.

"Be quiet," Sherry groans from her bed.

"Amber," I repeat myself, this time yelling it even louder to annoy Sherry.

Joanna stands in front of me, stiff as a board. If her eyes were any wider, they'd pop out of her fucking skull.

"That's a good look for you. Now why the fuck couldn't you make them that wide when I asked before?" In fact, she's rather pale. Was she that fucking pale when she left? What the fuck is going on? "Hey!" I snap my fingers.

Her mouth opens, but she can't speak.

"No fucking way."

She nods in horror.

I jump up and clear the coffee table, peeling the blanket from Amber's bed.

**Vacant**.

"Woo," I scream, slapping Sherry on the ass.

"Asshole," Sherry yells. "What the hell was that for?"

"Finally, the chickens have come home to roost, Sherry."

"Idiot," she grunts, rolling back over and pulling the blanket over her head. "Fucking sun's not even up yet," she mumbles.

"You," I smirk at Joanna, sauntering over to her, before slipping my arm around her midsection, "be ready when I come back, we're gonna fuck like monkeys."

Her brow wrinkles. "You're not mad that I caught Amber and Mark-"

"Wear those fucking gloves I like so you can jerk me off in them. I like the way that shit feels against my dick."

Sherry sits up out of bed, finally realizing what's going on. "Negan, wait!"

…

"Motherfucking service. Hold this." I hand Lucille over to Rick. It's truly a bastard move on my part. My cocky expression leaves my face instantly. I don't fucking believe it and I'm seeing it right in front of me. I thought a world like this long passed. One of these motherfuckers are actually watering their front lawn.

Seth can't even form words. Just muffled vowels.

Marshall's cigarette hangs by his lip.

"Just look at this place, it's motherfucking cocksucking magnificent! **Wow**! You live in fucking houses?! Hot damn, Man."

Rick seems unimpressed. "What would you like to see first?"

…

Leaving their supply closet, it appears that looks can be deceiving. "My men are going to split up, search the houses a bit, speed this process along. While they're at it, I just want to point out that we're not taking a scrap of your food. It's slim pickens in there." I eye the woman over who does their inventory. "And I can't be the only one to notice you've got the fat lady in charge of keeping track of rations, can I? Regardless, if you guys starve to death, I don't get shit. So for now, your food stays with you."

Rick gives me a shrug. "What do you want me to say?"

"How about a fucking **thank you**? You think that might be in order? Listen, Prick. I know we started off on the wrong foot, I didn't want to kill your friend. You forced my fucking hand. I'm actually **quite** reasonable if you just fucking cooperate."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

This motherfucker.

"You all should go home before you learn just how **dangerous** we all are," a small voice commands.

I turn on the heel of my foot and almost fucking laugh. I grab my knees and bend over just to get eye level with the little shit. "Pardon me, young man, and fucking excuse the shit out of my goddamn French.. but did you just **threaten** me? That sounded like a threat, but I like to be damn sure when it comes to these kinds of things." I haven't had someone threaten me who was this small since Alice. Might as well be with this Sheriff's hat that he's wearing.

"Carl, go back in the house. **Now**."

I whip my head around, glaring at Rick. "I'm in the middle of a fucking conversation here. Don't be rude. Now, boy.." I turn my attention back to him. "Where were we? Oh, yeah," I smirk, "your giant fucking **man-sized** balls. I might not have heard you clearly. What were you saying again?"

Nothing. Like father, like son.

"That's better." I rise up again. "Now listen to your daddy and run the fuck along."

He's not happy, stomping off.

Heh. Reminds me of how protective I use to get over my mom. "Cute kid." My men start coming out of the houses with everything from mattresses to artwork. Though, I didn't expect today to go without some sort of confrontation. Rick's Doctor decides to pull a gun on one of my men. I assure her that she'll find that more than half remains when she accuses my men of taking more than he should. I get it. They're scared. This is new. I should make another example of his men, but it's more satisfying knowing I don't have to, because they do exactly what I tell them to. "Oh, wait. How careless of me. You didn't think I'd leave Lucille, did you? And after what she did, why would you want her? Thanks for being so accommodating, friend." I reach for Lucille and lean over. "In case you haven't caught on, I just slid my dick down your throat, and you thanked me for it." Even though I whispered it, he heard it loud and motherfucking clear. "And with that, we'll be going now. Take your time closing the gate when we're gone. Enjoy how safe we made this area for you while we were waiting. We're really nice people when you get to know us. **Honest**."

…

Is that? No fucking way… The cocky fuck even waves at us as the trucks pass through the gate. "First undead ghouls, and now we gotta deal with motherfucking ghosts?" I step down from the truck.

"Reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated," Dwight smirks.

"There's always a next time, I suppose."

He swallows hard.

"Okay, boys, let's get this shit unloaded and inside. Gonna be dark soon, and I want to be tucked in and catching some z's with ample time to throw the wood in **at least** a couple of wives. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to fuck some of my girls tonight, get it?" I got Dwight's attention now.

Gun shots fill the courtyard.

"What the **fucking** fuck?!"

Rick's son slides out from the back of the truck after he's gunned down Steve and Patrick. "I only want Negan. He killed my friend. Turn him over to me, and I'll let the rest of you live. I've seen the weapons you use, I know you don't have a lot of guns. No one else needs to die."

My eyebrow peaks. "Goddamn you're adorable. Did you pick that gun because it looks cool? You totally fucking did, didn't you? It's almost twice your size!"

Carl gives me a rigid cold stare.

"Kid, I'm not going to lie to you.. you scare the fucking shit out of me."

He opens fire again, as I dive away from the spray of bullets. Carl loses control of the gun as it flies from his hand.

"You little fuck," Dwight yells, charging for him and kicking him in the stomach.

I flash back to the night my father did this exact same thing to me. My eyes widen in horror.

"-kill you!"

"Dwight! Back the fuck off! You're going to beat on a little defenseless child!" I wanted to kill Dwight right then. Take my frustration out on him, but I didn't, and he'll never know just how close he came to the same fate as my father. "Is that any way to treat our new guest?"

Carl pushes himself up.

"Come on, I'll show you around." I stretch my arm down and help him up. "New plan, guys. Burn the dead. We'll unload the truck tomorrow. I don't think I'll get around to fucking so much as one of my wives tonight."

"What are you going to do to me?"

I let out a grunt. "Number one, don't shatter my image of you. You're a fucking **badass**. You're not scared of shit. Don't be scared of me. It's a disappointment. Number two. Do you really expect me to ruin the surprise? Fuck you, kid. Seriously. Fuck you."

"Welcome back, Negan. All that gunfire something to be concerned about?" Grady closes the door behind us.

"I'm handling it. Ignore it."

"Fair enough. Uh.. Molly still has the cough. What kind of medicine you get on this run?"

"All kinds of good shit. We'll catalogue it tomorrow. I think you've got enough points to have your pick."

"Thank you, Negan."

Carson comes around the corner. "Welcome home, Sir. I saw the trucks from the windows on level five, I had to see you right away. There's been a situation, but first, is that gunfire something to be concerned about?"

"Not anymore. Lead the way, Carson." Fuck. I know exactly what the situation is about. "This doesn't have to do with Amber does it?"

"I'm afraid it does."

Out of anyone, I think Carson might have caught on as to why I keep Amber as a wife. Gotta keep him on his toes. "Fucking shit is that a disappointment. I want to talk to her first. Find Mark, but don't do anything. Just keep tabs on him."

"Yes, Sir."

"Negan has returned," some of the others grovel.

"As you were! See that, boy? Respect." I grab him by the back of the coat and pull him with me up to the parlor.

Sherry is consoling Amber on the lounge.

"God-fucking-dammit, Amber."

"She knows she fucked up, Negan. Go easy on her," Sherry snaps.

Is she really defending her? "I ever hit any of you? Calm the fuck down."

Carl's eye is fixated on Joanna.

"I know, right? Every woman where you're from dresses like an elderly lesbian. You're going to want to stare at their titties. I won't mind, they won't mind. Knock yourself the fuck out. Now, where were we?"

"She just made a mistake, okay? You know the transition isn't easy for us-"

"Sherry, will you please step the fuck aside so I can talk to Amber?" I have to be extremely careful on how I handle this. If she leaves, all this will be in fucking vain. "Amber, Honey. You don't have to be scared. Your position here is completely **voluntary**. I don't want anyone here if they don't **want** to be. You understand that, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"So you know that if you want to leave, and go back to Mark and be with him, you'll forfeit your privileges and go back to whatever job you had before Sherry brought you to us, but you can. Of course you can, but Amber, what can't you do?"

"Cheat on you."

"Exactly fucking right! You can't fucking cheat on me, Amber!" I grab her by the chin. "I'm sure you've had plenty of time to think about this. So what's it going to be? You going back to Mark? Back to earning points? Working for your supper? Or are you staying?"

"Staying. I love you, Negan."

"Of course you do. You know what has to happen now? If you're staying?"

"Y- Yes."

I point at my bedroom door as Carl starts for it. "Okay then. Sherry, find Carson. Tell him to prepare the iron."

Carl shuts my bedroom door behind me, looking over his shoulder. "Are they all your-"

"Wives? Yeah. I always wanted to be able to fuck a whole bunch of women, so why settle down with just one? I see no reason to follow the old boring rules. Let's make life better. Why not?"

He seems confused.

"Wait, you know what fucking is, right?"

"Yeah. Kind of. Sex stuff."

I ease myself down on my chair. "Not going there. No fucking way. Let's get started."

"Started on what?"

If I didn't know any better, I'd think the kid was related to Alice. I sling my boot over my knee, folding my hands. "I'd like to get to know you a little better, Carl. First, I want to tell you how motherfucking smart you are, just in case you don't already know. You're what, twelve? Who cares? I'd expect a kid your age to be running away, trying to get out, having my people chase you all over this mill, but you stayed right with me. I barely even had to look at you. Because you know that if you fucked something else up, I'd chase you down and break your little kid neck. Right?"

"I-"

"Doesn't matter. You killed like five or six of my men just now. So many I didn't even get a good fucking count. This can't go unpunished, so- you know what, stop. I can't go on like this. It's like talking to a fucking birthday present. Take that shit off your face. I gotta see what grandma got me."

"No."

"Six men. Punishment. Really want to piss me off?"

He removes his hat and sets in on the table, starting with the bandage on the side.

"That's better." Not that those men were of importance to me. That's the great thing about the ones at the outpost. They're all expendable. That poor fuck Patrick and Steve.. wrong fucking place at the wrong fucking time. Anyways. "Almost there." I lean forward in the chair. "Fucking Christ, man! No wonder you cover that shit up. You look **disgusting**. Have you seen it?! I mean, have you looked in a mirror? I wouldn't blame you if you hadn't. It's fucking gross. I can see your fucking eye socket. Your goddamn skull is exposed. Now I want to touch it. Can I touch it? Well?"

He pushes his bottom lip upward as a tear slides down his cheek.

Damn. What the hell is wrong with me? "Holy shit, kid. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's easy to forget you're just a kid. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or anything. This isn't what I-"

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Negan. You left Lucille in the truck, and I know how you don't like to be without her."

"No shit? I **never** do that. I guess a kid firing a machine gun is a hell of a distraction. All joking aside," I tell Carl, walking over to the door, "you look rad as fuck. I wouldn't cover that shit up. Won't be a hit with the ladies, but won't anyone fuck with you looking like that. No, Sir." I take her from my man. "You carried her all the way up here for me?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Were you gentle? Were you kind?"

"Uh.."

"Did you treat her like a lady?"

"Um, yes."

"Did you eat her pussy like a lady?"

"Well, I, uh-"

"I'm just fucking with you! A baseball bat doesn't have a pussy." That and he's out of his goddamn mind if he thinks I'd ever let him touch what is mine. "Now get the fuck out of here," I growl. Fucking little shit intruding in my home. Bringing Lucille back or not, I don't give a fuck. I slam the door shut and look back at Carl. "All pleasantries aside, and I think you'd agree I've been more than fucking pleasant since I found you here. You killed a bunch of my men with a fucking machine gun. Fucking mowed them down. I need something in return for that. Plain and simple." It's time for a stroll down memory lane. One that involves a hot fireplace poker, swung around by a drunk who couldn't even stand, let alone have any sort of hand eye coordination. "Sing me a song."

"What? I can't, I don't know any."

"Fucking bullshit you don't know any songs. You never went to camp? Mom didn't sing to you? Never drove with dad listening to the classic rock station?" Things I would have fucking given my left nut for.

"Okay. You-" He clears his throat. "You are my sunshine."

"Go on."

"My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray."

I twirl Lucille in my hand, rearing back before I swing her across the room.

"You'll never know dear."

I swing her back, pivoting on my foot.

"How much I love you."

I never made it past this point and always woke up in the hospital, my mother clinging to my hand as she sobs from some bullshit story my dad gave as to how I ended up with a concussion and a black eye. Then the cocksucker would smirk down at me, humming some fucking lullaby to shut her up. Goddamn him! Lucille slips and flies into the wall, sticking to it. I yank her from the dry wall and gather my composure.

Carl looks at me frightened.

"Don't let me distract you, kid. Continue."

"So," he whines, "so please don't. T- t- take my," he stammers, "sunshine.. away."

My boots scuff across the floor as I inch towards him. "That was pretty fucking good. Lucille loves to be sung to. It's about the only thing she likes more than bashing in brains. Weird, huh?"

He's not buying it.

Fuck, I don't either. I think in a cruel way she liked how much it fucked me up to sing to her. "Your mother sing that song? Where's she at now?"

He keeps his head down.

"Yeah. Dead." Probably taken from him, too. "Hold that thought."

"The iron is ready, Sir," Carson informs me.

I have waited eight months for this fucking moment. My revenge against this sniveling little shit.

Carl follows close behind me as we make our way down to the cafeteria.

"We're all here, Negan. We're ready to begin."

I give Carl Lucille and look my Saviors over. "What you all are about to witness is going to be unpleasant. It doesn't have to be, it doesn't even have to happen. Fucking hell I wish it wouldn't. I wish I could just let this slide." I almost fucking break character. "Ignore the rules, but I can't. Why?"

"The rules keep us alive," the others chant.

"That's right. We survive, we provide security for others, we bring civilization back to this world. We're **The Saviors**. And we can't do that without the rules. The rules are what makes everything work. No matter how small, or insignificant, the rules are to be followed. I know it may seem trivial, or even callous on my part. There's no fucking truth to that at all. When I choose a new wife, the process is completely voluntary. It's an honor to be with me, to no longer have to earn points to trade for goods and services. But it comes with a price. Total devotion. And that can sometimes be a hard pill for others to swallow. But swallow it they must. Or it's the iron for you." I can feel the heat from the glowing red metal. "Sorry, Mark." I use the exact words he said to me that day. "It is what it is." My lip sneers upward and I lunge at him.

His screams fill every level in Sanctuary.

Fuck. You. I spit in his face before I rip the iron from his skin. Burnt flesh drips and sizzles. An eye for an eye. Now the debt is paid. The pussy passes out before I can get any further morbid amusement. When I look at Dwight, it's not the expression I always imagined.

_Negan, don't fucking do this. Please, there's got to be some other way. Don't fucking burn me!_

It's as if we both recall the exact same memory.

Dwight drops his head, seeming nauseous.

My men haul Mark off to the infirmary.

Sherry clings to Amber and it's not the look I thought I'd get, either.

Fucking disappointment. Surely, I'm not the only one who wanted revenge on this fuck? "Come on," I instruct Carl. Kid must think I'm a fucking lunatic.

…

I have a seat on my bed.

Carl seems nervous as I start to take off my gloves.

"Don't worry. They usually put the gloves on before they slit someone's throat, not take them off."

He swallows hard.

"I meant what I fucking said when I told you not to cover that shit up." I open up my hands and show him my scars.

"What happened?"

"Let's just say, I'm a glutton for punishment and the reasoning don't fucking matter. Never be ashamed of who you are. If someone doesn't understand, tells you to cover it up, fuck them. It took someone accepting my hands for me to understand that. Don't make my mistake, kid."

He looks the bandages over, then lets them fall to the floor. "Where are you going to sleep?"

"Nowhere. I don't sleep with others in the room."

"Why?"

"You don't need your head filled with those images."

"I've seen things you couldn't imagine."

"I bet you fucking have, killer, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna add to it. Now shut the fuck up and go to sleep. Or I'll have you sing to Lucille again." I stand up and pull my cigar box from my nightstand. It was a gift from my mom her father passed down. I guess it's a stupid gift, but I like the damn thing. Always have. It has this creepy faded owl on it, sitting on top of a cigar. Who the fuck thinks of shit like this? I keep a few things in it I can't seem to part with. I pull the photo of her from the box and leave my room. "Make sure the kid doesn't come out. I'll be back in a bit," I tell Joanna, heading down stairs to Alice's room. "Are you asleep?" I whisper. She doesn't respond so I nudge the bed to wake her up.

She starts to cough, rolling over and facing me. "Evening," she pathetically greets me.

Now I feel guilty for waking her, but have a seat. "Here."

Alice turns up her oil lamp, taking the photograph. "I thought these photographs were private."

"How do you know that's mine? I haven't even said who that is."

"You favor her."

I press my lips into a thin line and sigh. Why do I think I can hide anything from this woman?

"Was this photograph taken at your house?"

"No. This was, uh, Leon's place. It was taken a few weeks before he-" I rub the back of my neck. Goddammit, this is why I didn't want to show her because I can't keep it together. I'm such a pussy.

She hands the photo back to me. "You're doing an exceptionally poor job of pushing me away."

It makes me laugh. Hard. I reach over and feel her cheek.

She's still pretty warm.

"How much longer until I get you back?"

"I am uncertain."

"Are you in pain?"

"Yes."

My eyes sink.

"Thank you for showing me your photograph."

I jolt my eyes up to her. "What if I was wrong, Alice?"

"About?"

"Everything."

"Us?"

I scratch my eyebrow with my thumb. Her face looks so fucking hopeful, I have to focus on the flame in the lamp. "Never mind. Get some sleep, okay?"

"Very well."

I should fucking run as far away from her as I can, but I don't, and stay with her even after she falls asleep. I contemplate stealing one of the photographs she has of her with her sister, but she's right. I'm doing a shit job of pushing her away. Fuck. This shouldn't be so goddamn hard, but it is. I force myself to leave her room, and linger outside the door when I do. Am I truly doing the right thing?

* * *

"Dwight, stay with the kid," I instruct, getting out of the truck. "Just the man I wanted to see." I lean Lucille against my shoulder, giving Rick the biggest shit eater grin I can. "How motherfucking **convenient** it is to meet you on the road like this. Where were you headed?"

"To see you."

"My word, and you were headed in the right direction. How strange. Well, if I didn't know better, I'd suspect-"

"Where is Carl?"

"Who? Oh, I'm kidding. That's actually the reason I'm here. I was coming to see you, if you can believe it."

His nostrils flare.

Why, I think it's the most emotion I've seen from this fuck. I lower Lucille and stand up completely straight. "I can't fucking wait until you see what I've **done** to your little boy!" Right as my nose is starting to feel better, this motherfucker hits it, then knees me in the gut.

"This crazy fuck," One of my men yells, raising his weapon.

"No! He's mine!"

Rick tries to take me to the ground.

I grab him by his throat, forcing him on his ass. "Think I'm going to let some one-handed piece of shit beat me up, in front of my own men? Have you lost your fucking mind?!" I sock him across the mouth, certain I crack one of his teeth. He tries to hit me again, but I catch his fist, dragging him to me. "Now I'm super fucking pissed off. You have no clue how much you're going to regret having done this in a couple minutes. Get the boy!" Of all the fucking crazy shit, this fucking clown bites my goddamn arm. Hard enough to where I think he still has a good chunk of my flesh in his mouth. "For fuck's sake man!" The worst thing about this whole fucking thing is that he made me drop Lucille. My fucking intention was to get under this fucks skin when I show him how his son no longer feels the need to keep his face covered. How he's not ashamed to be who he is. That it took **me** to show him that, since I'm so fucking heinous of a human being.

"I'm so sorry, Dad," Carl shouts.

Maybe I riled the fuck up too much. Poor choice of words, yeah, I fucking get that. "I gave you your son back without harming so much a one exposed bone on his head. Heh. I said, exposed bone, instead of, hair. That's not even getting a chuckle? Well, **I** thought it was funny you stoic piece of shit. Your asshole son, who shot a few of my guys, shot them fucking dead, is returned to you, safe and sound. On the flip side, there's me. I'm willing to bet you couldn't take the kind of beating I just took without wanting to kill the person doing the beating. Yeah. Not me, though. I'm a special kind of person. I don't fucking rattle. You even made me drop Lucille. You have any fucking clue how much she hates being on the ground. She's like an American flag that way. You just don't let it happen. It's disrespectful. Still.. here I am, friendly as a fuckless fuck on free fuck day."

"What's got you being so nice all of a sudden?"

"I've got a lot to make up for. You think I've got all these little communities at my feet because I roam the countryside bashing in Asian-American skulls? That's no fucking way to make friends. Everyone toes the line because I provide them a service. I keep them safe. We're the **Saviors,** not the **kill** your friends so you don't fucking like us at alls. Are we going to kill your friends if you don't cooperate?! Absolutely. I'm pretty sure I've established that. And now I've established that if you do cooperate as I believe you are, we won't do bad things to your son, even though he killed a few of my men because he didn't fucking know any better. You following this at all?"

"I think so. Yeah."

"Then why you still giving me the stink eye? Aren't we fucking friends?"

"I will cooperate. I've told you this already. But you don't strike me as the kind of guy who'd want me to lie and say that we're friends, or believe me if I did say that."

I think this might be the smartest thing to come from his mouth. "Just so I'm absolutely crystal fucking clear. There was a clear message I wanted to convey here today. That message is, I can be reasonable. I can be completely fucking reasonable. In fact, I fucking prefer it that way. I don't want to do the bad things I do. I only do them to set boundaries, to make people aware of the consequences of their action. I take no joy in those deeds. Lucille on the other hand. Thankfully she's not in charge." She's already upset that I would let someone disrespect me like this. "So are we good here? Good. We'll be making another supply run soon. We'll see you then."

…

"You hypocrite," Sherry yells, throwing a vase at my head when I come up the stairs.

"What the fucking fuck, Sherry!?"

"You knew Amber would cheat on you! In fact, that's what this whole thing is about. Revenge."

"You're goddamn right it's about revenge! Fuck Mark. That piece of shit is the entire reason everything got so fucked!"

"It was like you couldn't wait for everything to fall to shit!"

"Don't think for two seconds Amber wouldn't sell you out."

"It's not Amber's fault! No one was there for me, I don't expect you to understand! You've always treated Amber poorly and all she's ever tried to do was make it easier on Mark."

"Poorly? **Poorly**? I'll fucking show you poorly."

Sherry screams and chases after me.

My only motive is to get as far as fucking possible from her before I do something stupid.

She's fearful that I'm going to hurt Dwight.

Dwight is the farthest thing on my fucking mind.

She realizes she's wrong when I keep putting flights of stairs behind me.

How did everything get to this fucking point? Why am I always the bad guy? I walk past Alice's door, but come back and start to pace. "Fuck it." I cautiously open her door without warning. "What the fuck are you doing cleaning? Get in bed!"

She lets out a whine and sinks down on it.

"Goddamn woman, it smells like ammonia in here." I open her window. "This shit's going to make you even sicker." I throw the bottle of cleaner out the window.

"What did you do that for," she yells, and then starts to cough.

"Exactly fucking why I did it."

"This room is atrocious! I can't sleep in a filthy room."

"You and this fucking incessant need to be clean. Alice, I hate to break it to you, but shit's gonna get dirty."

"It upsets me!"

I pull the bandana from my pocket and use the water on her nightstand to get it wet. I wanted to see something and purposely mess up some of the things on the nightstand when I set the water back.

She lets out a quick gasp and quickly adjusts everything back in place.

"Does all this have anything to do with the bookshelf in the parlor you rearranged?"

"That bookshelf was a disaster," she mumbles. She knows what I'm fucking getting at.

I think I might have embarrassed her, which isn't my intention because I didn't realize until now that this is a problem for her. Maybe problem is the wrong word. I'm not trying to make her feel like shit. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

"You think you're the first one to point it out? I prefer not to discuss my tics. It's no one's business but my own."

I press the bandana to her palm where the chemicals have burned her skin. "This is quite the change."

"Your hands seem like they are healing."

"That's because I haven't jerked off in a couple of days."

Her flushed cheeks become even more pronounced.

"When's the last time you ate?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

I let out a frustrated grunt. "Goddammit, Alice. No wonder you're fucking sick." I go to the kitchen and warm her up some broth. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I cooked and it's not even for myself. At least I can't fuck this up, but I burn the living fuck out of my thumb. "Here. I'm not leaving until you finish it."

"You know I dislike being treated like an infant."

"Well, maybe you should fucking eat and I won't have to."

"This is hardly food."

"Want me to make you some fuck-chops instead?"

"You're insufferable."

"Yeah, yeah, and you're an arrogant dick."

"I'm going to consume this as slow as possible."

"I got all fucking night," I grin, stretching myself on the mattress.

She lets out a defeated sigh.

"What is that I hear? Sounds like victory. For me."

"Don't get accustom to it."

I flash her the biggest fucking grin I can and am given a death stare in return. "I can't tell if you're angry or turned on."

"I can assure you, your mouth does not arouse me."

"I know what does." I lift up my shirt some.

"It's your deltoids that caught my attention that night, not your stomach."

"Fuck you, my stomach is a goddamn canvas of perfection! What the fuck is a deltoid?" I pull my shirt up more. "Is that like a nipple?"

"It's the uppermost muscle on the arm and top of the shoulder. Yours are very pronounced."

"You just want me to take my fucking shirt off."

"Yes. My diabolical plan from the start."

"Fucking smart ass."

She snickers and starts to eat.

"So.. you wanna see my deltoids?" Oddly, it wasn't the strangest thing I've ever said to a woman before.

…

I can hear Dwight behind me as I open the parlor doors.

"Negan."

"Fuck off."

"No, I want to fucking speak to you."

I slam them in his face.

The doors fling back open as Dwight stands in the arch way.

"Get the fuck out," I yell.

"I want my fucking wife," Dwight demands.

Gasps from the girls fill the room.

I turn around, cocking my eyebrow.

"You fucking heard me-"

I reach back and punch Dwight as hard as I can in the gut.

"No," Sherry cries.

He falls to his knees, cradling his stomach.

"What was that? Something about your wife? Go fuck your-fucking-self! She made her choice!" I turn around, heading for my room when I'm tackled to the floor. I hit the side of my head against the wooden arm of the lounge. Blood trickles down my face.

Dwight kicks me in the ribs several times.

"Stop it," Sherry yells.

I grab Dwight's foot and yank him to the floor.

"Oh, Christ," Joanna panics, running from the parlor.

"You piece of shit, what the fucking fuck is wrong with you?"

Dwight gets to his feet, moving to the other side of the parlor.

As I come full force at him, he swings an end table at me. "Fuck," I groan, when I'm knocked to the ground.

Dwight raises what's left of the end table, hitting me over the head with it.

"Goddammit," I cough, spitting up blood on the floor.

"You're killing each other," Sherry cries, shoving Dwight out of the way.

I get to my feet, but become light headed and fall to the ground. "What's that fucking ringing?!"

Dwight lets out a scream and lunges at me.

This time, I clasp his throat, pinning him to the ground. I squeeze even tighter, foaming at the mouth as I watch his eyes start to bug out. "Fuck you," I scream.

It takes nine of my men to pull me off of Dwight. **Nine**. A second more, and he would have suffocated.

Nicole holds Rachel as the two girls look at me in horror.

Amber is paralyzed with fear.

"Baby," Sherry sobs, holding Dwight's face.

"This is for your own good," Marshall growls, knocking me out cold.

* * *

I moan, rolling over on my back. "What the fuck?" I'm on the floor in my room. I run my fingers against the grain of my hair. It's matted with dried blood. "Ow, fuck." There's a deep gash from where the glass of the end table cut me. Shit, I need to get it together and fast. The sun is already starting to rise. I grab a few swigs of the whisky on my end table, then go out into the parlor. "Where's Sherry? Answer me," I order when the girls keep quiet.

"Are you going to choke us if we don't tell you?"

"Cut the shit, Amber! I have **never** put a hand on you girls before!"

"She's right," Nicole starts, "what you did to Dwight last night was terrible. When were you planning on stopping? After he was dead?"

"You think that twisted fuck wouldn't choke me to death if he had the chance to? Open your fucking eyes," I bark, flinging the parlor doors open, "and clean this fucking shit up." I stop at the top of the stairs of level seven and head down the catwalk instead. The closer I get to his door, the angrier I become, and kick his door open.

He's not there.

"Fuck," I grunt, hurrying to Alice's room.

Sherry has her head in Alice's lap as her loud sobs make me cringe.

Alice pats the top of Sherry's head awkwardly.

"Where's Dwight?" I bark at Sherry.

"Stop yelling at me," she sobs, sitting up.

"You haven't seen yelling! I won't fucking ask you again, goddammit," I scream.

Alice chucks her knife as it sticks in the outer sole on the front of my boot.

Goddamn, I almost fucking piss myself.

"I suggest you lower your voice," she demands.

I apologize immediately.

Alice comes over and yanks the knife from the sole, returning to her bed.

Sherry moves behind Alice as if Alice's small frame would keep her hidden. "Go away," Sherry cries.

"Okay," I frown, quietly closing the door. I'm embarrassed at the way I acted. Embarrassed that Alice is a part of this. Embarrassed how many men it took to pull me from Dwight. Embarrassed I made Sherry feel like she does. Embarrassed that my wives witnessed what happened. I stand there for over a goddamn hour, hoping Sherry will come out of Alice's room, but she doesn't.

Seth walks past me without any acknowledgement. He was one of the nine that pulled me from Dwight.

"Gather everyone up, we're going to the Safe-Zone. Hey," I shout after him, "did you fucking hear what I said?"

"I heard you. I'm not trying to have you choke me."

"Fuck you, Seth."

"Yeah, fuck us all," he grumbles.

Fine, I'll fucking gather everyone up. What a bunch of fucking pussies. "Marshall, take a truck and tell John and Connor's outpost the plan as well as the two other outposts. I want snipers with a clear view of us at all times."

…

"Open the **fucking** door!"

"Oh, dear," the redhead huffs. "I'm so sorry. I was told your people wouldn't be coming for another few days. Rick is still out, gathering supplies."

"Is he now? I'm not in the mood for waiting the fuck around. Just point us in the right direction so we can load up what you do fucking have."

"We're actually running low on everything. That's why Rick took a crew so far out. We're practically starving in here."

I let out a breathed laugh. "Starving? You? By practically do you mean to say not fucking really?" I'm stopped by one of my men before I get too far from the gate.

"Poor girl's crying. Might have been a bit too harsh, Boss."

I better shut her up before she attracts undead with that howl. "Goddammit. I think you may be right. Pardon me, um-"

"Olivia."

"Oh, right. Olivia. I'm sorry to have been so motherfucking rude to you just now. Looks like I'll be at the very least spending the night here awaiting your fearless leader's return. If you'd like. I think I'd enjoy fucking your brains in. If you were agreeable to it." She fucking slaps the smug look right off my face. I spit out blood on the concrete. "Let her go," I snap at my men and snake my arm around her shoulder. "I'm about fifty percent more into you now. Just saying. Rick led me to believe at least a few of these houses are vacant. Can you lead me and my men to your finest vacant house?"

…

"I'm fucking hungry," Marshall says, for the eleventh time.

"If you don't shut your fucking mouth, I'm going to stick my balls in it. No one's fucking eating until we're back home."

He stomps back outside, slamming the door behind him.

I eye the stainless steel refrigerator over, then shift my eyes suspiciously side to side to make sure I'm alone first before I stab my finger into the lever on the ice maker. "I'll be fucked." Several cubes scatter onto the floor. Shit, even before the outbreak I never owned things this fucking nice. It's pissing me off, so I go outside.

Seth approaches one of Rick's men coming up the sidewalk. "What?"

"My name is Spencer. I wanted to talk to Negan."

Seth isn't budging.

"Please?"

"Jesus, Seth. Don't be such a fucking asshole. Let the man pass." I prop Lucille against the railing and have a seat. "Forgive the man, he's wound a bit tight. What the fuck do you want, Spencer?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Rick."

"What about him?"

"I understand what you're trying to do, to build here with all these people. I can't say I agree with all your methods, but I get it."

Apparently, this fuck has some vendetta against Rick as he goes on to tell me the history between his group and Rick's. Spencer is the poster child for when I say I wouldn't put it past any of my men to put a fucking bullet in the back of my head. Fucking traitorous pig. "So what? I kill him, put you in charge? That what you're saying?"

"We'd be much better off."

"You've given me a lot to think about. Walk with me, Spencer." I was comfortable, too. "I'm thinking, and I think about how Rick fucking threatened to kill me. How he clearly hates my fucking guts, but he's out there right now like a busy fucking bee, gathering shit to give me so I don't hurt any of the nice folks living here. He's swallowing that hatred to get shit done. That takes guts. Then I think about you, Spencer. The guy who waited until Rick was gone, to sneak over to talk to me, to get me to do his dirty work so that he could take Rick's place. You wanted to take over, why not just kill Rick and take the fuck over? You know why?"

"I don't, I didn't."

"Because you got no guts," I snarl and whip my knife out to shank this motherfucker in the stomach, dragging it outward. "Oh, how embarrassing! There they are! They were inside you the whole time. You did have guts. I've never been so wrong before in my life!"

My men cackle from the porch.

"Clean this up before a kid sees it, and find out where this asshole lived. I want to play some pool," I order Seth.

"Oh my, god. Spencer," a woman shrills.

The fuck? "I assure you, Ma'am. He's dead as fuck. I mean, you see his guts are all hanging out and shit, right? Could you be a dear and tell me what house this sorry fuck lived in? I heard a nasty rumor that he has a pool table."

...

"I thought we had an agreement," Rick bellows.

"Oh, Rick." I find his anger amusing considering just a few hours ago, that gutless fuck stood right where he was giving me an assassination order. Now Rick's defending him. "So fucking good to see you, my friend. I'd stand up and shake your hand, but I've been playing pool for the last three hours and my shoulder is absolutely killing me. I'm a bit out of practice. Ice water?" I gesture the glass his way.

"You killed one of my people. What the fuck happened?"

"One moment please." I discard the glass and snatch Lucille. "I'm going to refrain from profanity momentarily to illustrate just how serious I am. I will not say another word to you until you say, thank you, Negan."

"'Explain yourself, now. Or you and your men don't leave this place."

I almost fucking topple over with laughter. "Lucille, give me strength." She'd rather I bash his fucking head. "I understand our relationship started with me beating the holy fucking fuck out of your friend's head. The gravity of that event is not fucking lost on me. Let me assure you of that. I do not believe we will ever share a meal together and tell each other our deepest fucking darkest secrets. That said, goddammit, I do feel like I have bent over fucking backwards in my attempts to show you just how reasonable I can be."

"Is this a fucking joke?"

"Oh, how soon they forget. Answer me this. After your son hid in one of my trucks and machine gunned a few of my men to death, what did I do? Did I gut that boy? Or let a few of my boys run a train on him? As an aside, I'll reveal that was **always** an empty threat. As much as I love violence, I absolutely fucking **hate** sexual violence. It's unseemly. I let your son go, I brought him back to you safe and aboso-fucking-lutely sound. Like some kind of apocalyptic Santa Claus. Ho fucking ho. Let me put it to you this way, Rick the prick who will never give me the benefit of the doubt because I had to kill one measly friend to get him in line. The next time someone asks me to kill you and put them in charge. I might just take them up on it. Now show me what you got." I didn't expect him to be so submissive as he walks me to one of the trucks. "This'll do. We'll take it. Load it up, boys."

"You mean load up half."

"You know what, keep all of it. Consider it payment for the traitor. I didn't realize it'd ruffle your feathers so goddamn much."

"No. You take half. A deal is a deal."

"Fine by me. You heard the man. Load up half."

...

"No," I gripe when the radio in the truck is turned on. Well, that went- what the.. I narrow my eyes in the side mirror as if they deceive me. "The fuck are these idiots doing? No fucking way are they.."

My driver is shot right between the eyes.

I bail out of the truck before another round comes through the windshield. "No fucking way. No fucking way!"

More gunshots. More of my men hit the ground.

"Fucking fuck!"

"Nobody moves," Rick yells and raises his gun at me. "You ever hear the one about the guy who brought a baseball bat to a gun fight, fucker?"

My snipers come through for me, and the gun is shot out of Rick's hand as well as the rest of his men.

What a shame he'll still have use of it. "Surprised? I assume I can trust your sniper not to take me out while they see you are very much in danger. You ever hear the one about the stupid fuck named Rick who fucking thought he knew shit but didn't know shit and got himself fucking killed? It was about you. You got that, right?" I jab him in the chest. "You push me and push me and you fucking push me, Rick. You know what happens when I reach my breaking point, right? What happens to you?"

"You think I-"

"No! You do not get to fucking talk right now. You just killed two of my fucking men, you were going to kill me, you get to listen. How fucking stupid are you? You lead these people, you have to know something. Did you really think we didn't have guns simply because you never **saw** us with them? You still use guns on the dead? What the fuck is **wrong** with you?! Guns are saved for the much more dangerous, but slightly less prevalent, living. The thinkers. You ever notice how sometimes my visits have been off by a day or two? You think that's because I'm late? Or just early, like I got stuck in traffic or just left too soon? Organizing ten guys to get here. That'd be a piece of fucking cake. The rest. The back up team. That takes a little more planning and scheduling. In case you haven't noticed. You're fucking fucked, you stupid fucker."

"What now?"

"What's next? Do you really want to fucking know what's next? We're going to find out just how fucked you really are. Ready? The thing about snipers is that after a couple shots, they tend to give away their position. They gotta move. So in a standoff situation, where one felt compelled to hold position so they'd be able to fire quickly if things went south, well, that'd be really fucking dangerous for the sniper. Your sniper bitch is as good as dead, my friend."

Rick takes a swing at me missing entirely.

"Whoa! Isn't that hand in bad enough shape as it is? How fucking stupid are you? You know Lucille is always D.T.F!" I crack him in the jaw. "You really going to risk-" I hear it before I see it and when I see it, I almost drop to my fucking knees.

Lucille is shot.

My men open fire in the direction the shot came from.

Her beautiful skin. Oh, Christ. "Fuck! What the fuck?! Fuck! Oh, god! Hold your fucking fire! Oh, god! Carl! You little one-eyed asshole! **You skull-faced little fuck**!" I'm tackled from behind, but quickly flip Rick to the ground. "Not-" I hit him as hard as I fucking can, "-yet! Will someone hold this piece of shit down?! I gotta get my shit straight. I gotta. I gotta. ..." I cradle her in my arms. "Throw the boy over the wall! He's mine! I want him! He's gotta pay for this fucking shit. Push him over the side or you all die!"

"Don't-"

"Shut up!" I slug Rick again. "I'm not getting any younger out here! Where's my boy?"

"Go fuck yourself, psycho," a man shouts.

My patience with his group is done. "I don't even know who the fuck said that! You know what? Give me the fucking boy or I'll make you watch as I bash in all four skulls of the people out here! All- fucking- four! What do you say to that?" I kneel down in front of Rick. "You have no fucking idea how much I used to like that boy. Never had a kid of my own. When I saw him, got to know him, I thought, if I ever did have a fucking kid, I'd want a fucking kid like this fucking kid. Kid had huge fucking balls. Huge. I guess he still does. Heh. Now I realize how **fucking** annoying that is. Stand him up. Crouching. It's so fucking uncomfortable. Kills my knees."

"You hurt him and this is over."

"This is already fucking over! You tried to kill me, you fucking idiot! That was a shitty thing to do. Shitty for you. Shittier for your people. A chain of events was set forth on this day. A chain of events that could well lead to the deaths of every last one of your fucking group. All because you attacked me. But that's beside the point. The issue right now is that your son has done something **unforgivable**." I embrace Lucille in my arms again. "You may think this is an inanimate object. An inconsequential piece of wood wrapped carefully with barbed wire. Not something to be cherished. And you'd be dead fucking wrong. This is a lady, but at times, yeah, she ain't so nice. Truth is, Lucille is a **bitch**. But she's **my** bitch. This bitch has saved my life more times than I can remember. She's the only bitch I ever truly loved. If I could, I'd fuck her, and yes, that means in my most private of moments I've probably rubbed my dick against her. I'm not ashamed to admit it." I don't understand why everyone looks at me like I've lost my goddamn mind or something. "Wow. They're really not pushing the kid over, are they? Fuck. I really wanted to see that little fucker tumble down. See what all the King's horses and all the King's men could do with the pieces." I look to the side at Rick. "Humpty dumpty joke. Why the fuck would anyone expect a horse to be able to put an egg back together? It's like 'the men and the horses can't do it, this guy's fucked!' Wouldn't they call in the women? They have smaller fingers. That rhyme makes no goddamn sense. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I don't want, I can't kill you. I have to break you to break them. Killing you just turns you into a martyr, something to rally behind. I may have gone over this before. But I'm going to break you by killing your son."

"Don't please. Just let it go. I can make this work. You don't have to do this."

"I'm sorry, Rick, but Lucille will have her revenge! Line them up." I look up at the bell tower, smirking. Right on time.

"Andrea?! Andrea! No," Rick screams.

"Don't act surprised. I told you that sniper cunt was going to die. Now can we please focus on the situation at hand? After all, you've got problems of your own here. Am I fucking right?"

"Oh, god," Rick snivels.

"Cheer up. She went quick. Probably didn't feel a goddamn thing. Of course, you always hear my life flashed before my eyes and I've always heard that in times of stress, people perceive time differently. Like, things move slower. So maybe even when the death is quick, you do feel something. Maybe that final painful moment plays out for what seems like hours. Maybe your reaction is completely fucking valid. Either way, I don't really give a shit. Besides, this is only the beginning. Save some tears for the other assholes I'm about to kill. Or maybe It'll be you. You never know." I wink at him.

"Just get on with it."

"No, please," some sorry fuck begs, talking about his wife and kids, and how he doesn't know what will happen to them.

"It can't be you? So you mean to say it needs to be someone else?" My eye twitches. "What a fucking asshole! These people are your fucking friends, right? How long have you lived with them? Do they have kids? Do they have loved ones?! Or are their families less important than yours? This is seriously fucking me up. Wow. Okay, new fucking plan. If one of you can say, kill this fucking asshole right now, he's the one who dies. Not you. Any takers?"

"Fuck you. He's scared. We're all scared."

"Have it your way. I've wasted enough time. Rick, you know the song. Care to join in? You can hum along if you like. Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Catch a tiger by the-" I'm interrupted by the screams of one of my men. "The fuck?!"

My men behind me start to shoot.

"Hold your fucking fire, you idiots!"

Out of fucking nowhere some man emerges from the trench. I'm put in a head lock by him, then a gun is pressed to my temple.

"Nobody move," I huff. "Hold your fire! Nobody fucking pull any fucking triggers."

"I'd listen to him."

"No you listen to me. You're not going to survive this. Even if you kill me, they're still going to mow you the fuck down. Assuming you don't want to die as much as I don't want to fucking die. Where do we go from here?"

"My people are making their way back to their gates now. You let them in, unharmed and have your men stand down. Once they leave, I let you go."

"Once they leave Rick will fucking kill me, like he just tried to do! You think I'm fucking stupid? That's not going to work. We need to figure out how to- Fuck! What the fuck!" I have seen some motherfucking shit, but goddamn tigers? The fucking thing starts devouring my men. I move my head back and knock this fuck in the face, breaking his grip on my throat. "The truck! The fucking truck," I snatch Lucille, "Run!" I couldn't even get a body count and trip over one of the corpses before I manage to make it inside the cab before it takes off. "You fucking see that shit? A goddamn tiger! What the fuck is that shit? Fucking circus side show motherfuckers. What the goddamn fuck is happening right now?"

…

"Get him to the infirmary. Patch him up." I take several deep breaths, looking Lucille over. "Motherfucking motherfuckers."

My men start to crowd around the truck.

"So where do we go from here?

"Yeah, what's next?"

"We're the big swinging dick of this world. Have been for a long fucking time. But it seems people are forgetting that. So now our big swinging dick is going to swing harder and faster. Until we take off like a motherfucking helicopter and blow all of these motherfuckers away."

"The fuck?"

"What did he just say?"

"What about our dicks?"

I let out a heavy sigh, grabbing the bridge of my tender nose. "We're going to **war**."

* * *

**A/N Parts of Negan might have felt slightly ooc because I was sick with pneumonia too when I wrote it. Guess I'm a sappy fuck when I'm ill so it reflects in Negan. I regret nothing.**


	8. Chapter 8

_It's in your nature to destroy yourselves. - The Terminator_

* * *

I should have knocked, but I wasn't thinking clearly, and let myself in her room. "Oh, Christ," I yell, dropping to my knees.

Alice sits out of bed, rubbing her tired eyes. "What happened?"

I cradle Lucille in my arms, pulling her to my chest. "Lucille," I whimper.

"Is she alright?"

"She's fucking shot," I whine. "She's fucking shot!"

"May I see her?"

I show Alice Lucille, like a child giving over their favorite broken toy.

Alice lays Lucille on her lap as she removes some bandages from her bag.

I scoot next to her, keeping a close watch on what she's doing.

She runs her fingers through the back of my hair, comforting me.

I push my bottom lip upward, pressing my forehead to her shoulder. "I didn't protect her."

"We can fix this," she whispers.

"I'm losing my goddamn mind."

"Your sanity is not slipping, alright?" She runs a soothing hand down the back of my head again.

"Okay," I mouth.

"Alright?"

"Alright," my voice finally surfaces.

"Deep breaths." She rests her head against mine. "You're not breathing."

I exhale heavily. "Connor's fucking dead. Bitch dropped him from the bell tower. I lost so many fucking men, I can't even fucking keep count."

"Let's take this one thing at a time."

"What did Sherry tell you? What a fucking horrible person I am?"

"She didn't confide in me."

I move my head up. "Are you being deceitful?"

"No, Sir, she fell asleep. Just my presence seemed to give her comfort."

"Your silence puts me at ease, too." I feel her cheek.

Her fever is finally gone. Alice hands a bandaged Lucille to me.

I don't know what to say. She has taken care of my Lucille just like the times she has done for me. I guess to an outsider, this looks pretty fucking ridiculous, but to me, it's the most meaningful thing anyone has ever done. Now I see why Lucille is jealous of her. I set her behind Alice. "Did she cut you?" I inspect her hands several times.

"I was careful."

I grab her cheek, tilting her head up. My thumb lightly brushes her soft skin, enough to make her eyes start to seem heavy. "I want you so fucking bad, Alice."

She tries to pull my wrist away.

"Alice-"

"No, stop," she sternly rejects me, taking my hand from her face.

"I will give you anything you fucking want, just name it."

"It will **never** happen and it's **never** to be brought up again. If you ever make another advance towards me, I will leave Sanctuary and **never** come back."

I snatch Lucille and rip the bandages from her. "You ever fucking wonder why everyone you know leaves you? You're an inscrutable fuck! Is that word motherfucking big enough for you? You arrogant dick! You wanna threaten me? Now you fucking don't have me, either!" I swing Lucille, shattering her tea kettle across the room before leaving to have the most meaningless sex with someone that's the complete opposite of her. I fuck Rachel from behind so I don't have to see her glowing like an idiot. I hate myself for fucking Rachel and I hate myself even more for what I did to Alice.

"Tell me you're sending Alice to an outpost."

"She's gone," I grunt, leaving an imprint of my hand on Rachel's ass.

* * *

I drank myself to sleep last night because I couldn't stand the piece of shit I've become. My father's child. I lean over the toilet and cough up bile. Even in my pathetic state, Rachel is already at my side, waiting for me to bend her over the counter. Her lotion is upsetting my stomach even more. I dry heave again. Still nothing. I want to curl up on the floor and fucking die. Every muscle in my body aches. My headache makes me even more nauseous.

"I know what will help. Just sit back and I'll do ever-"

"Get the fuck out," I snap.

"Fucking grouch, Jesus Christ!"

"Sherry," I yell, holding my head. Add this to my most recent list of fuck ups. "Sherry, please," I whine. I throw myself over the ledge of the tub and flip on the shower. I don't ever want to drink again.

...

I stay face down in the tub most of the fucking day. My skin is shriveled from my wet clothes.

"Figures I'd find you here."

"Leave me the fuck alone, Sherry."

"If I could, I drop a hairdryer in the fucking bathtub."

I reach in my pocket and throw my keys at her. "Go get a generator and knock yourself the fuck out."

"You're pathetic."

I sit up from the tub. "What gave that away? Yesterday's clothes that I'm still wearing, reeking of alcohol, soaking wet in a bathtub of my own vomit? I don't owe you a thing, so fuck off with your self-righteousness. That bullshit between Dwight and I is your fucking fault for putting this riff between us! Poor Dwight? Fuck Dwight. That motherfucker came after **me**. You turned everyone against me when all I've **ever** tried to do is protect your secret." I rip my keys from her hands. "Threaten me again and you're fucking gone. Now leave me the fuck alone," I yell.  
...

I shovel another bite of oatmeal in my mouth, trying to choke this shit down.

"Sir, someone is here to see you," Carson informs me.

"Tell them to go the fuck away."

"Trust me. **You're** going to want to talk to him."

Fuck it. It's not like my stomach is in any shape for food. "I don't fucking believe this shit." I stare this fat fuck up and down. The leader of Hilltop stands before me. I wrap my fingers around his throat, pushing him against the wall.

"I want to make a deal," Gregory proposes, gasping for a breath.

I loosen my grip slightly. "What **kind** of deal?"

...

Dwight stands at the top of the stairs.

The veins in my neck surface.

"Where do we go from here?"

"How about seven flights down?"

"I ain't fucking apologizing and I know good and goddamn well you'll never admit you were wrong, but I will man up and say the scene I made in front of your girls wasn't right. I'll help you finish this war, but after that, we're through."

"Good, take that stoic fuck with you," I grumble, hitting his shoulder with my arm as I walk past him.

"I plan on it."

I go inside the parlor and slam the door, skimming the room for Sherry. I find her in the bathroom. "Your dickhead husband is running away with Alice."

Sherry sets down her brush. "I know, I asked him to when you told Rachel Alice was going to an outpost. I want her as far away from you as she can get."

"Only one problem with that, Sherry. I don't give a **fuck** about Alice, so your little plan to hurt me isn't going to work."

"You will give a fuck the day you look outside and see Gary chaining her to the fence, if you don't destroy yourself first."

"No confidence in Dwight to keep her safe?"

"Not from herself. I think she'll finish what she started the day you found her. Hopefully, for your sake, the bullet doesn't miss her brain."

My brow wrinkles.

"I'm going to see Dwight. The next time we're caught, I'm leaving you, Negan." She slams the bathroom door behind her as it knocks the mirror off the wall, shattering at my feet.

I slide down the wall, sinking on top of the broken glass. "Fucking fuck."

…

Marshall walks into the meeting room, throwing Connor's jacket on the table. "This was right outside the gates. They're just fucking with us now."

Dwight covers his face. "Goddammit."

I press my hands to the table and lower my head. This is my fucking fault. I sent him to that goddamn outpost.

_I'm fucking loyal to you and this is the thanks I get?_

"Bring Tara back," I order Marshall. "They're going to go after our outposts. Break us that way."

Dwight sits up. "What about Donnie and John?"

"A fucking rapist and a coward? No goddamn way. Fuck their lives. I want Tara here and don't you fucking come back without her. Now," I scream at Marshall when he just stands there.

"What are we going to do about him?" Dwight points at Gregory sitting in the corner.

I'm usually not this unnerved, but I can't fucking shake this feeling. Everything is so goddamn fucked. I don't even know where to start to fix this shit, but I have to get my shit straight because these men count on me. "We're gonna t-"

"Sir," Marshall calls from the doorway.

"I thought I made myself fucking clear?"

"You have to see this shit."

I can hear Rick shouting my name the closer we get to the front door. "Bring me that fat fuck," I order Carson. "Everyone else stay here. Marshall go to the catwalk. Get a few others, have them keep their sights on his men." I go outside and climb on top of one of our trucks.

His entire goddamn army stands outside the gates.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me. What the fuck is this, Rick? We trying to play my dick is bigger than your dick? Because it isn't. Let's see who can see whose from here, and my eyesight is fucking perfect!"

"That's not what this is. This isn't a threat, this is an offer.. for peace. We stand before you three communities united saying to you and your people, no more. We will not give our supplies, we will not bow to your will. Those days are over. But there doesn't need to be violence. We don't have to fight over this. I feel like we'd all prefer not to. We're giving you a chance to surrender. We know you have children inside and people who are not a part of this, who are not Saviors, who have not attacked or killed anyone. Those people will be spared, their lives can continue as they are."

"And what of the others? Me… the rest? The killers who have been keeping you all safe."

"Once, a long time ago, I made a rule. I think maybe it's time to finally stick to it. You kill and you die."

"So let me get this straight. I fucking surrender myself and all my men, and you put us to death. But our families will all get to live on happily without us. You really think we're going to go for that? What happens if we refuse?"

"Everyone out here fights their way in there. Then whatever happens happens and it won't be pretty."

"Hmmm. So you've actually convinced yourself that your group of accountants and lawyers and farmers and teachers is going to be able to tear these walls down and actually accomplish something if they get inside? That's fucking rich. I'm half tempted to let your little plan play out to show you just how fucking stupid you really are, but you know what, there's no future in it. Surrender, as you sure as fuck know, is not an option. But then again, neither is rubbing our collected genitals together on the field of battle until we all die. I have a different plan."

My men help hoist Gregory on top of the truck.

"Tell them," I demand.

"The Hilltop stands with Negan and The Saviors. If you stand against us now, you will no longer be welcome."

"And?"

"Your families will be thrown out and have to fend for themselves."

"And?"

"Go home now. Or you'll have no home to go back to."

I give Gregory a smug look.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry."

"Who are you apologizing to? Me?! You're fucking pathetic. You heard the man! Go home before you have no fucking home!" I grit my teeth when I watch only a few men leave the front line. "The fuck?! I count eight guys? Fucking eight!"

"I didn't know, I'm sorry," Gregory cowers.

"You said it was half their fucking army! You didn't know how many fucking people left your place?! You thought it was more than eight?"

"I thought it was more?"

"Pathetic," I yell, kicking him from the truck. "I'm man enough to admit that I thought I'd save a lot more lives with that maneuver."

"Offer still stands. Surrender and there doesn't have to be any bloodshed here. Your people will not be harmed," Rick shouts.

"I've considered your kind offer, and I'm thinking of an answer somewhere between **no motherfucking way and go fucking fuck yourself**!"

Marshall fires at the man standing closest to Rick.

They return the fire, killing one of my men.

I slide down from the truck to take cover from the spray of bullets. "Goddammit. Lucille, you believe this shit?" Broken glass starts to litter the courtyard. "Fucking fuck! Dwight," I yell, grabbing him by the shirt. "Send a team out the back to the outposts! Let them know what's going on. Tell them to get their asses back here to help us run these fuckers off. Hurry!"

My men pour out of the front door.

"Where do you want us, Sir?"

"Where you can point guns at the people attacking us and fucking shoot them and do it before all our snipers are taken out! Wait- the fuck? The snipers have all taken cover. They're just shooting the windows for no goddamn reason. The fuck are they doing?!" I walk to the front gate, dropping Lucille down some.

"What happened? Why'd they stop shooting?" Dwight huffs.

"I hope you have your shitting pants on."

"What?!"

"Your shitting pants. I hope you're wearing them right now because you're about to shit your fucking pants. Look." It's a fucking herd coming this way. This must have been the one that trapped us in fucking Alexandria. "The- fuck-"

Ahead of the herd speeds a truck, crashing right through one of our gates.

"Fucking shit! Make sure everyone gets inside! Hurry!" I walk over to the truck as the driver side door opens.

Out falls that sniper bitch.

An undead lunges for her but I swing Lucille at the back of its head. "You think I'd let you get off that fucking easy, did you? No fucking way, sister." I pull her up by her arm and drag her inside.

The others have already started to gather in the cafeteria.

I'm going to make an example out of this one. I shove her to the ground. "The fastest way to a man's heart is through his vagina. A lot of people say it's the stomach. That's the saying, but that's fucking stupid. Men like to eat, sure. But do all men place that much more importance on their next meal? You cook a mean meatloaf and so you've fucking got them wrapped around your little fucking finger? No goddamn way. Men love to fuck. All men. Every goddamn one of them. Young, old, fat, thin, smart, dumb, alive, dead. All men. After a while a certain kind of man, men like Rick Grimes, they find one vagina they really enjoy being inside. That becomes their vagina. You fuck with that vagina, you can crush a man's heart. We crush this man's heart, we really get to him on a level that hasn't been gotten before. This whole war falls apart. It motherfucking cock sucking ends. It ends with the saddest shit on earth. Man tears. We've got his woman. If we don't give her back, a fucking river of man tears will come pouring from his face. Drowning out all his rage, strength and ambition. And we win."

She spits blood on the floor. "You've got the wrong woman."

"The fucking hell I do. One minute Rick's going to drive a car at us, then you drive in. You wouldn't let him sacrifice himself to tear our gate down. You love him, and he loves you."

"Rick barely knows me. I was with Abraham." She looks at Dwight. "Remember him? You put an arrow through his eye. I wanted to be the one to take your gate down, to trap you in here. I want to be here as you turn on each other, or as you die fighting your way out. I want to see it. You can kill me if you want, but it won't affect Rick, not like you want. And it'd be good to see Abraham again. I really miss him."

"Fuck you. I've seen you. You're her. You're the sharpshooter. We thought you were dead, but we saw Connor on our way out, it was him who fell from the tower. You're a tough fucking bitch, but you're a terrible liar."

"Andrea got the shit beat out of her before she threw your guy out the window. She's back at home, healing. You really think she'd get out of the bell tower unscathed. Trust me, I've got a couple cup sizes on her."

"Get this bitch the fuck out of here. We'll deal with her later. Right now, I've got to think. We got nothing to worry about here, people. They lost more people than we did. We keep that up, we win. These assholes are going to fucking regret they ever fucked with this hornet's nest."

"You want me to prep the meeting room? Are you going to plan a strike against them? If we move fast, they'll never expect it."

"No, Carson. Not yet. We have more pressing matters to attend to."

...

"Stay close. Don't let any past you! Keep the area behind us clear! We don't have to advance if they keep coming. Just keep killing until they stop. Most of all, don't fucking die. I better not lose one man to these undead fucks, you fuckers! You fucking die and I will fuck you up!" There's no sign of the herd letting up, but it seems we're making a dent on them. "That's it! We're fucking doing it! Keep moving goddammit. Let's show these walking shit stains who's boss."

"Negan," Dwight yells.

I shove him to the side, as more pour in through the fence. "No. Fuck that. Too motherfucking goddamn many of them! Back inside. Go! Hurry! They're going to block us out. I'm not dying out here, goddammit. Close the fucking door! Now!" I slam Lucille against the railing by the steps. Shit. Fuck. "I want a team out there every two fucking hours. Kill as many as you can, run inside, wait for them to calm down. Get our smart fuckers together. There's gotta be a way to thin these shitheads out from a fucking distance. Drop some big rocks on them or some shit. Fucking figure it out. We can't be trapped here for more than a day. That happens, we're dead. Motherfucking dick suck cunt fucking fuck fuckity fuck fucker fucking fuck fuckers!" I start up the steps. "Fuck!"

...

"Why aren't you watching Holly?" I ask Carson. He's sitting with Alice at the table.

"Huh? David said you told him to relieve me so I could get something to eat."

"What? I didn't fucking tell him that!" I narrow my eyes and start for the basement. Why the fuck would David offer- I haul ass around the corner and down the steps, hearing his voice come from the room.

"Stop squirming or you won't get so much as a drop of water. Of course, if you fight back you're only going to make it last longer. Either way is fine with me, for the record."

"David," I scream at him. "What the fucking fuck are you doing in here?!"

"Negan, Sir, I-"

"Do you really think I need you to answer that? I can fucking see you're trying to rape this woman. You were going to fucking rape this woman, weren't you?"

He hangs his head.

"What the fuck are we doing here? What are we trying to achieve?! For fuck's sakes don't answer that either. There's no fucking way you have a goddamn clue with the bigger fucking picture is. This war, however long it lasts is a means to an end." I pull him by the shirt. "When the dust settles and we've won, ultimately, we have to work with these people! We want a community that can accomplish things together! That healing cannot begin if we have sunk to such in fucking human levels! Repeat after me: **We**. **Don't**. **Rape**."

"We don't rape."

"David, this is unacceptable. Rape is against the rules here. You remember the rules don't you? You've really crossed a line here, you stupid fuck."

"I'm sorry, Sir."

In my mind, it isn't gruesome enough. I should have castrated him, but I stick my knife in his neck instead, letting him fall to the ground and bleed out. I kneel down beside the girl. "I'm sorry you had to see that. I really want you to understand, **we're not monsters**." I clean my knife off on his shirt and stand up.

"Sir, I was speaking with Alice. She has an idea-"

"I don't give a fuck what Alice has to say," I bark, interrupting Carson. I didn't realize Alice was standing behind him the entire time.

"What happened in here?" Carson asks.

"David tried to rape our guest."

Alice quickly unzips her vest, putting it over Holly.

"Carson, find her some clothes, and tell Seth to throw that sorry fuck to the undead." I pull the vest from the girl, shoving Alice from the room. "Use your fucking brain, Alice. Your knives are in your vest."

"Who is that woman?"

"None of your fucking business." I pull Alice back when she starts to head back up the steps. "Looks like your little getaway with Dwight has been postponed."

Alice flings her arm from my grip, taking her vest. "You think undead will stop me from leaving?"

"Here." I reach for the waistline at the back of my pants and pull out a gun, shoving it against her. "This time, I won't fucking interfere."

...

I run out to the catwalk when I hear a siren.

"It's fucking working," Marshall cheers.

"What the fuck is going on? Who is driving that goddamn cop car?"

"Vic is. It was Alice's idea," Marshall informs me.

The cop car slowly circles around Sanctuary as the undead follow after it. Once it makes two passes, it starts out the gate.

"Look, it's leading them out like she said," Seth points.

My men come out of the front doors and start picking the undead off while they are distracted by the noise from the police siren.

Marshall gets into position as well as Seth with their rifles, picking off any undead that stray from the herd.

"Fuck," I snap, hurrying down stairs, and out into the courtyard. Alice reaches down for her knife, but isn't able to pull it out of the undead as the knife slips from her hand, and she falls back on her ass. She tries to rip it from the skull, unaware of an undead lunging after her. It topples over on her as she frantically tries to get another knife.

Dwight kicks the undead from her, using his machete to cut its skull in half, then helps Alice to her feet.

"Thank you," she says shaken up.

He yanks her knife from the undead, handing it over to her. "I'll protect you."

My lip snarls upward.

She nods and presses forward.

Dwight shakes his head. "The fuck is wrong with you? Were you really just going to watch her fucking die?"

"Where the fuck do you get off questioning me?"

"Fucking dickhead," he says appalled, catching up to Alice.

Yeah, it was a fucking dickhead thing to do and if anything **did** happen to Alice, it would have sent me over the motherfucking edge. I don't know what my fucking problem is. Shoving that gun into her, shattering her tea kettle, disregarding what she has to say. I have no reason to be mad at her because she has always made it clear where we stand. I take my anger out on these undead fucks, and if I don't feel bad enough, Alice ends up saving me when Lucille is knocked from my hand. "Goddammit," I scream, picking Lucille up and swinging her violently at several undead.

It frightens Alice as she hurries back to Dwight.

I give him the middle finger, then take my frustration out on more undead. I guess that's one good thing about these shitheads. By the end of this fucking nightmare, I'm too goddamn tired to care about anything. I really didn't know how the fuck we were going to clear them, but we did. "Good work," I tell Alice, heading to the parlor. It was well deserved, even if it tasted like vinegar. When I step inside, it's only Amber. "Where is everyone?"

"I asked them to leave so we could talk."

Jesus Christ, of course she'd want to talk tonight of all fucking nights. "Alright," I snap, irritated before having a seat on my chair. "We talking about the pregnancy, or are we still lying about that, too?"

"Oh, god." Her wide eyes stare at me. "You knew?"

"It seems to me that you were trying to make this thing look like my fucking problem."

"I-I was scared. Mark and I both were."

"I should exile you both!"

She holds her stomach. "I need you, Negan. Please, for the baby. Don't make me leave."

I stare back at her as Sherry's words play over in my head. The truth is, I **have** treated her poorly. This is between Mark and me, but I let vengeance blind me by taking it out on her. "Stay or don't. Doesn't make much difference to me. I'll make sure the baby is taken care of whatever you decide."

Her eyes overflow with tears. "Really?"

"Yep."

"I'd like to stay for a bit. Give Mark some time to calm down."

"Good, you can find me a replacement. Not that Molly girl."

"I left you something on the bookshelf by your door."

"Go see the goddamn Doctor, Amber." I get the paper from the bookshelf before I go into my room. "Goddammit," I sigh, slamming the door behind me. This is the worst thing she could have fucking given me. There are a million things I could have done with the paper. Burn it, rip it, throw it out the window, wipe my ass with it. The only problem is, I can't bring myself to do any of those things. I look the picture of Alice over and frown. Fuck, I love this drawing. Especially her big blue eyes in it. It captures Alice in a way none of the photographs, I tried to steal, do. Pretty soon, this is going to be the only thing I'll have to remember her by. Not that I'll ever forget her. I pick up Lucille and set the picture on the bed. I didn't really expect my hands to stay healed, did I?

* * *

"Just fucking kill me already," Holly yells.

"You all heard the woman," I smirk.

"No," Alice shouts.

"Dwight, get her out of here," I order, lowering Lucille.

"Please, I'll do anything," Alice yells from the hallway.

"Wait." I shove Holly into Seth and meet Alice in the hall. "Dwight, leave us."

Dwight grits his teeth and goes back in the meeting room.

I lick my lips. "Anything?"

"If you release that girl **unharmed** , I will give you anything."

"You know what I want from you."

She lowers her head. "I know," she whines.

I take hold of her chin. "I want to hear you say it."

"I want to be a wife," she stammers.

"You don't fucking sound too sure. You better be **goddamn** **sure**."

"I'm certain."

"Beg me."

"What?"

" **Beg me**. Like all the fucking times you've made me do it."

"Please.. Sir."

"I hope you're better at using that mouth to suck dick than you are begging." I walk back to our meeting room. "New plan. Vic, take the girl to the truck, and don't put a fucking finger on her. I'll be right back." I grab Alice by the back of her neck as she lets out a yelp. "Walk," I demand.

"You're hurting me."

"Bullshit I'm hurting you." I grab her by her vest just in case and don't stop until we reach the supply closet.

"What are we doing here?"

I pull a razor from the shelf. "Everything," I instruct, handing it to her.

Her eyes sink as she nods her head.

I turn her around and run my hand down over her ass, gripping it tightly. "I want you cleaned up, waiting for me outside the parlor doors," I growl in her ear.

"Okay," she whines.

"Now go, before I change my mind and fuck you right here." I've never seen anyone run so fast in my life. When I get back outside, my men are holding down Holly as she bites at their arms.

"What the fuck happened?!" I scream at Vic.

"She ran right into the undead. Fuckin' crazy bitch."

"Goddammit," I bark. "Fuck, I can't fucking believe this shit." I reach back and punch Vic several times before my men start to separate us. "You motherfucker you had one goddamn job; to keep her safe!"

"Fuck you, Negan!"

"Oh, you cocksucker, you wait until I get my hands on you!"

"Settle the fuck down," Dwight yells.

"Go fuck yourself, Dwight!"

"You know what, fuck it. I don't know why I even care," he grunts, getting in the truck and slamming the door shut.

"Load up," I shout at my men. "Keep that smug look to your-fucking-self," I snap at Vic.

"You don't think that I fuckin' know what you're doin' here? I overheard it all. Pretty fuckin' pathetic you gotta make some deal with Alice to fuck her."

"You got morals all the fucking sudden? Why do you fucking care?"

"Because things are gonna start bein' a lot different. You ever raise your hand or your voice to me again, I go to Alice. Tell her this girl never made it back alive."

"Are you blackmailing me?"

"Call it whatever. I call it a promotion. You make me a Lieutenant when we get back, and that's just the first of many perks," he grins, climbing in the truck.

"Fuck! Fuck," I yell, beating on the side of the truck.

"Here are the grenades, Sir," Carson informs me.

"Have Marshall and Tara made it back yet?"

"No, Sir."

"Fuck." I rip the wooden crate from his hands and shove it in the back of the truck. "Lock this place down."

"Right away, Sir."

...

I pull a pin from the grenade and hurl it over the wall of the Safe-Zone. The sounds of windows exploding bring a smile to my face. "Rick! Come out, come out, wherever the fuck you are! Don't piss your panties just yet. Lucky for you, right now, I just want to talk. I hope that got your attention. There's plenty fucking more where that came from." What is taking this fuck so goddamn long? "Motherfuck. No?! Nothing?! You don't want to fucking talk? Maybe this will get your attention. I brought you a gift. Might as well have put a fucking bow on her. You missed this one, didn't you, Rick? You want her back or not? Where the fuck **are** you?"

"I'm here. Let her go. I'll open the gate. Once she's safely inside, then we can talk."

"Let her go," I order my man.

"C'mon, Holly. This way. Follow my voice," Rick guides her. "Did you gag her? What did you do?"

"Got a little sick of her clucking. Sue me. She's here, safe and sound. Take the peace offering and stop fucking complaining."

"Okay, Negan. Let's talk- Denise!"

Holly bites Denise's arm when she removes the bag over her head.

" **Attack**!" I chunk another grenade. "You brought this on yourself, Rick! I was willing to work with you, all you had to do was follow the fucking rules. Now I see you've got to fucking go. Scorched fucking earth you dick! Surround this place. Keep tossing them in until there aren't any more left. We're going to burn this place to the ground. Bombs away motherfuckers!"

My men spread out, taking different parts of the wall.

"This is so fucking awesome. Shit fuck. Give me another one." I reach out my hand to Davis who is holding the crate. "My dick is so hard right now I could crack steel. I should wrap it in barbed wire and call it Lucille two. Would that make you jealous? I'm sure it fucking would. You're a jealous bitch aren't you? You're jealous of those grenades, right? You want in on the action. You want to get dirty, don't you? I can't blame you, sitting on the outside, hearing the screams behind those walls, watching the fires burn. It's like being a double amputee at a peep show. I'm just sitting here trying to figure out how to suck my own dick. By sucking my own dick, I mean, get in on the action. The screams are nice, but I want to see the blood and the bone. I want to watch them burn alive. Fucking assholes. I mean fucking a, right?"

"Yes, Sir," Davis stammers. "My dick is a full boner, sure. Yep."

"Full boner? The **fuck** are you talking about Davis?"

"I'm excited like you is what I'm saying. My dick and balls are hungry for death. Like yours, it's hard like yours, Sir-" Davis is shot right between the eyes.

"Fuck!" I run for the truck.

"Where's it coming from? Are they shooting from the wall?"

"No! It came from one of the buildings I think," one of my men points.

"Stop panicking and get the fuck down," I order them. "How many?"

"I don't know. I didn't see, I just ran."

"You're no goddamn good, you know that! Someone give me a grenade. I'm out. This goes off, make a run for the trucks. Boat's leaving, you better fucking be on it. Get ready! Now!"

...

The truck comes to a stop before we make it too far out.

"It's dead, gonna have to cram into the other trucks. Gas leaked out. Must have taken a bullet during our retreat," Dwight says.

"Retreat?! How fucking stupid are you? This isn't a fucking retreat! Look back at the fucking sky, dick hole. You see the fucking smoke? What the fuck do you think that means?! You aware of a fucking fire station nearby? Hear the sirens of a fire-fucking-truck approaching? Because otherwise, that smoke means we just fucking won."

...

I start down towards the basement. We found where Rick is getting his supply of ammunition and took the workers hostage. One of which I'm on my way to see.

"He's in here, Sir," Carson informs me.

I step inside as Dwight and Carson follow behind me. "Having a good fucking time? Just got word that your people hightailed it the fuck out of your little town early this morning. I guess blowing it all to fuck made it a little less quaint. We've got your most recent batch of ammo, we know you can make it, and now we know all the fucking equipment we need is more or less abandoned. So you're going to get back to work and make that shit for us. Got it?"

"No. I won't."

"Excuse me while I get out my crystal balls." I pass Lucille back to Carson. "Okay." I make sure I get a nice handful right near his face. "There they fucking are. Nice. Okay, fuckhead, let's see your future. I see your friends and I see me, killing them. One by one. Right in front of you until you submit. I see you self-righteously believing more of your people will die if you give in, justifying those deaths. But I see a whole lot more options in front of me. I see me burning your face with an iron, I've done that before, that makes sense. If that still doesn't fucking do it, I'll start cutting pieces off. I see. I see me starting with the piece of you that is most valued and yet losing it wouldn't prevent you from doing your work. That's right, you fat fuck, it's your shriveled up little dick. This has been a glimpse of your future, and also a glimpse of what a real man's balls can do. That's the path that lies ahead for you. It's set in stone. The only thing you can do to stop it, is cooperate. And I really fucking hope you do, because while Lucille is always thirsty, I don't want to get dirty. I don't want to have to deal with the mess, and I really don't want to have to cut your dick off. But I do things I don't want to do all the fucking time."

"Rick is working towards something, he's building a life for all of us, including you if you'd back the fuck off. That's big. That's special, and I won't do anything to jeopardize that, no matter how many genitals you sever."

"Dwight, Carson, let's leave this poor bastard alone with his thoughts and his dick, while he still has it. Dwight, lock this room up, check on all the others. Make sure they're not doing anything stupid. If I'm not balls deep in a wife in the next few minutes, I'm going to turn into a fucking pumpkin. I'll see you boys in the AM." I'm in such a good fucking mood, I even whistle as I make my way up to the parlor. "Why, hello there," I smirk down at Alice.

She closes her book and shoves it in her bag without any greeting.

"You look un-fucking-believable waiting on me. Fuck me running, which that doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of fucking sense. You ever tried to fuck while running? Never mind, I know your answer. Up." I reach for her hand, but she pushes it away angrily. "Is that any way for a wife to treat their husband?" I know she's fucking mad. Good. Angry sex is always better. "You first." I swat her ass. "I want to enjoy the view."

"Is that necessary?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely necessary."

She opens the creaking metal, stepping inside.

"Ladies, welcome Alice to her new home," I proudly introduce.

Each one of my wives convey something different towards her.

**Sorrow**. Sherry's defeated eyes well up as she shakes her head no.

**Regret**. Amber is trying to warn this woman to turn around and run as fast as she can.

**Lust**. Joanna's teeth sink into her rouge lips.

**Love**. Nicole welcomes her with a warm smile.

**Hatred**. Rachel's jealous gaze becomes violent.

Alice is petrified.

"Everyone out! This one is all **mine** ," I smirk, running my knuckle down her nape.

Alice tenses up at my touch, closing her eyes.

Sherry rubs Alice's cheek before tears stream down her cheeks, then becomes repulsed at the sight of me. "Goddamn you, Negan."

"I told you to count the motherfucking days," I simper, putting my keys in the pocket of my jacket.

She leaves, but not before a slap across my face.

"You promised me she was gone," Rachel yells, slamming the door behind her.

"Now." My mouth salivates. "Go to the first lounge," I instruct Alice as the lock clicks, echoing throughout the room.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N This is the last chapter that will follow the comic. Just a quick reminder, the comic scenes will feel a bit rushed because it's just a general idea of what's going on. The beginning of this chapter deals with sensitive subjects (talked about in the initial warnings) some might find disturbing or difficult to read. Dwight is listening to "Audiomachine - Tree of Life" in the truck in one of the later scenes. I thought it was fitting for the Saviors as the sun is rising up and they are heading towards the unknown.**

* * *

Alice eases down on the lounge, dropping her bag and putting her fidgeting hands in her lap.

"You know the rules," I start, taking a step closer.

She nods her head.

"I can't fucking hear you."

"Yes."

"Don't you ever make me feel like I'm some fucking rapist, Alice. This was **your** decision."

"Yes, Sir."

"Negan," I correct, taking another step closer and sliding my gloves off, pocketing them with my keys.

"Yes, Negan."

I like the fucking sound of that. "Sometimes I get a little loud, so I suggest you're louder. I ain't trying to hear myself.

Her anger is gone entirely, just some stolid stare remains.

"Alice, you better liven the fuck up. I want to know **everything** you're **not willing** **to do** for me."

"I don't want to be tied up. Please," she begs me.

"That's your request?"

"Yes!"

I become disgusted. "The fuck would I tie you up like some kind of helpless animal for?"

"I- I'm uncertain."

I unzip my jacket, dropping it to the floor, then kneel down in front of her.

She monitors my every move.

It's fucking distracting. I know the sooner I get her out of these clothes, the less attention I'll pay to her face. I grab her obnoxious boots and quickly unlaced them, tossing each one to the side when I'm done. "High heels from now on. Even when we're fucking. Where are all your knives? You said you had six."

"There's one on my left leg."

I tug her pant leg up a bit and find one in her sock. "Where else?" I say, removing the knife.

"The vest." She slowly unzips it and puts it in my outstretched hand.

"There's lingerie in the bathroom. Pick out something nice for me," I smirk.

She goes into the bathroom, quietly shutting the door.

I plop down on my chair, stretching my legs out. It feels like a fucking hour passes. "Hurry up, goddammit! My dick's not getting any harder here."

The bathroom door opens and wife number six is revealed.

Well, turns out, I was fucking wrong.

"I'm sorr-"

"Shut up and come here." My eyes start at her black heels, up her legs. She chose to wear black stockings that go to her thigh. They clip to a lace garter belt under a black satin corset. Ever since I saw that corset, I've waited for a wife small enough to wear it, though it doesn't completely fit her. Who knew she had tits that nice under all that Kevlar? Goddamn, I thought they were going to pop out with each step she takes. I knew I **hated** that fucking vest. "Your tits real?"

She nods as her eyes start to well up.

"Don't," I snap.

She bites her trembling lip and looks up to keep her tears from falling.

"Look at me."

She slowly moves her eyes so they lock with mine.

"I have a special arrangement with each one of the girls and I already know what yours would be. You keep me happy and they stay outside when we fuck. Understand?"

She seems somewhat relieved by this.

"Are you a virgin?"

"No."

"I want the truth. I'll be able to tell."

Her face grimaces. "I know how this works, and I told you, it's my choice not to be promiscuous. It doesn't mean I'm ignorant to the subject or that I've never experienced it before-"

I violently jolt up and grab her by the back of the pony tail as she lets out a yelp. "You will respect me, Alice. I have been more than fucking fair with you!"

Her bottom lip starts to quiver again. "I don't mean any disrespect, I'm on edge and becoming defensive because I feel like your tone is condescending. It won't happen again."

I ease my grip up, and as I do, pull the rubber band from her hair.

Alice's hair is still damp from when she showered, curling in some areas as it cascades around her pale complexion.

"Keep your hair down." I discard the rubber band to the side and get comfortable on the chair again. "It's not that bad here," I say, setting my elbow on the arm rest, "you don't have to earn points anymore or ever go without eating."

She doesn't seem to care what I have to say. Her eyes are locked on the rubber band.

I snap my fingers as it breaks her trance. "Are you fucking listening to me?"

"I liked contributing."

A sickly grin creeps across my face. "You're still… contributing."

"Can I still clear the undead with you all?"

"No," I snap, "the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I don't understand what I'm supposed to do all day. I just sit here and wait for you every night?"

"That is exactly what you're supposed to do. This back and forth bullshit is boring me and that's something you don't want. You ain't here to fucking chat. Dance for me," I demand, pressing my index finger to the wooden arm.

"I don't know how."

"You better fucking figure it out or I'll get Rachel to show you."

She looks down and starts to shift her hips side to side.

Her movements are stiff and awkward, but I don't give a fuck. "Turn around."

She spins around and trips on her heel. They're two sizes too big.

I thought she broke her goddamn ankle the way she landed, but she picks herself up.

"I'm sorry."

"Be quiet."

She nods and starts to sway her hips again, her hands inching up her torso.

"Closer, I want to touch you."

She steps back a bit.

I grab her hips, pulling her on my lap so she's facing away from me. My hand tangles in her hair as I tilt her head back. "You'll get better," I growl in her ear before licking it slowly. I want to fuck her in this corset so bad, but the suspense is killing me. "Go to the lounge, then get on your knees." I release her hair, moving her off me. Fuck, this is not going how I planned. She's so goddamn awkward, it's making me uncomfortable. I grab her wrist and pull her back, sitting her on my knee. "Alice, I just wanna fuck."

"Slower," her tears finally give, "please?"

I lean back against my chair, wiping them away. "Is it me?" I frown when she doesn't respond. "You're not attracted to me, are you?"

"I have always been attracted to you, Negan."

"You- …you have?" I am in complete fucking disbelief.

"Don't you think I want the option to lust after you?"

"Why don't you have that option?"

"I just don't, and I've tried every way I can to convey that to you, but you take it as a personal attack."

"Alice, it's just fucking! Goddammit! Look, I am fucking done. Go to the lounge or get dressed and get the fuck out, but **if** you're staying, you better fucking find a way to convey your lust," I yell. Maybe that's a bad choice of words. I don't want her to go. My confidence is regained when she presses her knee to the lounge. "That's what I fucking thought. You know something?" I slowly saunter towards her. "I think you like this cat and mouse bullshit. I think it turns you on." I tilt her down some so she's on all fours and curl my index finger, running my knuckle across her sex. No damp fabric, no heat coming from her, no reaction. She might as well be a blowup doll. Or one of those mannequin fucks. Now the stare to match. There's nothing wrong about me fucking her. This is her choice! She'll be screaming my name soon enough. Begging for me. "Sit back on your knees." I push her hair over her shoulder, reaching for the zipper on this corset. "What the.. fuck?" I lean in closer, cocking my head. "Are- Are these initials carved into you?"

She's completely silent.

"Answer me," I yell, my voice startling her.

"It's a birthmark," she stammers.

"This ain't no fucking birthmark." This also isn't the only carving on her back. There's something else. I move closer and see all these indentions, scars, and burns on her back. I slowly unzip the corset and as I do, it reveals more mutilation. This must have been what Sherry was talking about. "Are these-" My eyes open wide. "You have got to be fucking fucking me," I gasp, jerking my hand from the zipper as her corset falls to the lounge. "What the fuck, Alice?!" I take a frightened step away from her, almost tripping. My heartbeat deafening. "There's fucking teeth mark scars on your back!" I'm in shock to see actual scars. "Who fucking did this to you!?"

"It's none of your business!"

"It most certainly is my business! You're **mine**." I grab her by the arm, spinning her to face me.

She covers her naked flesh and starts to cry.

"I won't ask you again! Did Donnie fucking do this to you? **Answer me**!"

"Stop it," she sobs. "..the.. men you …killed at the bar did this to me."

"Jesus Christ," I whine, dropping to my knees.

_Welcome her home properly_

_No, stop! Please, no more!_

_The girl belongs to us, and we ain't leavin' until we get what's ours._

I try to fucking catch my breath, digging my nails against my head. "Alice.. did they rape you?"

She slowly brings her empty eyes up to mine.

I almost can't stomach to look at her.

"Repeatedly."

I reach my shaky hand out to her cheek. "Why didn't you fucking tell me, Alice? I never would have made you a wife if I had fucking known what those motherfuckers did to you. Why didn't you-" I dry heave as I shake my head back and forth. Then, I come to another horrible realization. "Those men said they had your sister's bracelet, so that means.. oh, fuck, Alice, I'm so fucking sorry."

"A few weeks after the outbreak started, the men broke into my home. I had my sister stay hidden while they raped me, certain they would leave after they all had a turn. As they forced me out of the front door, that's when my sister chased after me and was captured, too," she whimpers as she struggles to recall the painful memory. "After several months, she couldn't take anymore, and attempted suicide. I refused to let her perish in such a place, and was lucky enough to kill two of the men to help her escape. That was the last time I saw her. The scars on my back are from the numerous things I was tortured with as punishment for killing their men." She wraps her hands around her chest tighter. "When you asked what was wrong with my wrists, it's burns from ropes I was bound with. It's why.. I begged you not to tie me up."

"Oh, God, no," I whine. I can't process what she's telling me. It's too goddamn much. I take a deep breath. "How long did this go on?"

"For me, five hundred and seven days."

I let go of her face and turn my head to the side, throwing up. "Fuck," I cough.

_I see it, that blank stare she gets._

_I don't like how she looks at us, like we're going to run a train on her._

_That bitch looks comatose._

_From what I could make out before she put her shirt on, she has these gashes in her back._

I have said the most degrading things to Alice without the slightest thought to this being the reason she is so opposed to any form of sex. Every sign, from everyone, I ignored. Now it makes complete sense why she is the way she is, and why she has never become a wife. She was truthful when she said she really is attracted to me, but even more truthful when she said she could never act on her feelings. I see why she was so determined to save those women at the RV park.

_I_ _**know** _ _after what you've been through it's hard to trust anyone again._

"How did you escape?"

"Rick's son Carl found the complex by accident. They helped me escape."

And there it was. I sit back on my legs. "That's why you agreed to this wife shit. You couldn't let me kill Rick's woman. You felt obligated to save her after what he did for you."

"I asked Carson who she was when you refused to tell me. He told me about your plan to use her against Rick Grimes."

"Were you with his group a while?"

"No."

I tilt my head to the side some, noticing several splotches of uneven skin tone on her chest. What the fuck is that? I lick my finger, wiping the makeup from her chest. "Oh my fucking God." There's teeth marks on her breasts. "You tried to cover them," I say choked up. That's what took her so fucking long to leave the bathroom. She didn't want me to know what those men did to her, or guilt trip me into stopping. How could somebody fucking do this to her? I move my hand up a bit to the one on the top of her left breast and rub the makeup off. It's different shaped teeth marks. Knowing she's screaming, begging, crying for grown men to stop; I can't mentally process it. I snatch my jacket off the floor, forcefully wrapping it around her. "I'm sorry for touching you, I just… Fuck, Alice."

"I- I didn't know there were marks on my back, too."

"There's eight fucking sets of teeth mark scars on your back." There's no fucking telling how many are on her chest, or other places for that matter. "Do.. do you want to know the initials?"

"Whether the scar is there or not, I will **never** forget his name." This is also why she is so cavalier about taking her life. She's just some shell. Her body a vessel for a spirit that doesn't exist.

I cup her damp cheeks, tilting her head up. "I'm so fucking sorry I put my hands on you, Alice," I tell her disgusted.

"You didn't know."

"It doesn't make it fucking right."

"It was **my** choice to be a wife."

I press my lips to her temple. Alice hasn't been right in her head since day motherfucking one and God only fucking knows if I just pushed her to her breaking point. I go into the bathroom, looking around for her clothes. I see them in a neat pile and take them to the lounge, kneeling down in front of her. "Get dressed."

She drops the jacket and reaches for her shirt.

I put it around her, buttoning it up. "I'm so goddamn sorry, Numbers." I pull off the high heels and help her in her pants and boots. Finally, her vest. I stuff her tie into one of the pockets before putting my jacket back around her, then zip it up. "Go back to your room, okay?" I pull her bag over, putting her bra and undershirt in it before giving it to her.

"Thank you, Negan."

I don't want her to fucking go. Christ, I wish it didn't take something like this for me to see exactly how much I care for her. "Alice, promise me that this isn't goodbye. Give me a chance to make things right between us."

Her eyes are so goddamn empty.

It's the only time they have ever bothered me. "Alice, please. Promise me this isn't goodbye." I reach out for her hand, feeling this knot in my stomach. Don't fucking let her go.

"I promise."

"Okay," I murmur as her fingers slip through mine. I'm so fucking numb, I just stand there, in the same spot, for over an hour. I could drink myself to sleep, but I deserve to feel like the piece of shit I am. I've fucking **ruined** everything between us because I think with my dick.

…

"Alice." I knock softly on her door. "Please, I just want to talk." When she doesn't answer, I push her door open.

She's nowhere to be found. Her things are gone.

I scoop up a piece of paper on her bed.

_I'm sorry I was deceitful._

I crumple it up, then violently throw it to the side. Dwight. I dart upstairs to his room. "Did you fucking take her from me?!" I kick in Dwight's door.

He stares back at me, slowly getting up from his chair.

"Oh, Christ!" I take a few steps back. He didn't take her. Where- Where is she?

"What's wrong?"

God fucking help anyone that accidentally steps in my way as I run full force down stairs like a goddamn stampede and out the front doors. She couldn't have got fucking far. "Alice," I scream once I get to the gates. "Alice!" I feel so fucking helpless as I spin in a circle, trying to decide on a fucking direction. I start for the bar, shoving undead to the side that get in my way. "Alice! Alice! Goddammit," I whine when it's completely empty, slumping to my knees. I pick up the chair beside me and hurl it at the bar, shattering the glass cabinets. "Fuck!" This is only the beginning of my tantrum because when I get back to the parlor, I rip the book cases out of the wall almost bringing the entire goddamn wall with it. It's my middle finger to Alice. "You didn't even let me fucking try to fix things between us!"

"About this promotion," Vic says, strolling into the parlor.

My eye twitches as I lunge for him. I break two of his goddamn ribs when it's over and leave him to die and bleed out at the bottom of the stairs. Truthfully, I always thought it would be satisfying, but it isn't. "V-Vic?" I press my fingers to his neck to feel for a pulse. "You made me do this to you! You kept antagonizing me! Fuck!" I lift up his limp body and take him to the infirmary. Never did I think I'd care if Vic died. His face isn't even recognizable. God, what have I fucking done?

"Will you unlock the medicine cabinet, Sir?"

Fuck me. Alice has my keys. They're in my jacket pocket. Well, it isn't the first thing I've ripped from the wall today.

The Doctor becomes paralyzed at my anger as everything scatters on the floor.

"Do whatever it takes to make sure Vic pulls through! Fuck," I scream.

"Ye- yes, Sir."

…

I look my men over as they gather in the cafeteria. The loss is significant. Fuck, and here I thought it couldn't get any worse than losing Tim. "Saviors, at dawn we're taking this war to their fucking front gates and ending it. When this is over, we'll be stronger than ever. Order will be restored, and the Saviors will take back what is theirs." It's hardly a pep talk. I just don't have it in me right now and dismiss them for the night to be with their families. Marshall hasn't come back with Tara, and Mark isn't at his post by the water tanks. I push open Alice's door, hoping to find something. Anything, but it's all fucking gone. Just this wall of driver's licenses. "Hmm." She's marked a spot on the map for me, however the spot where the license should be is gone. It gives me optimism that maybe she just needs some time to herself, and that she doesn't want to forget me. She even made her bed before she left. I don't want Sanctuary to be some pit stop for her. Am I ever going to see this woman again? I start for Connor's room and open the door, but I can't go inside. So, once again, I close a door to another vacant room. Another one of the original eight falls. None of my wives have come back to the parlor. I rest my hand on my doorknob. "Please don't fucking be locked," I murmur. The knob turns and the door opens. "Thank Christ." I sit on my bed and look over my scarred hands. I'm a fool taking the risks I did with Lucille. Just one small cut and I would have- "Fuck," I gasp. That's it! That's how we're going to fucking win this goddamn war! Lucille will finally have her revenge for what they did to her.

* * *

I take my cigarette box from the end table and pull out the picture of my mom, running my thumb across it before I shove it down into my pocket. I start to put the box back, but take the picture of Alice from it that Amber drew. There isn't a part of me that's angry when I look at it. It's my fault things are so fucking fucked and when I finish this war, I'm going to find her. Make things right between us. I dig in my armoire, looking for my other jacket. Hopefully, this one is only temporary.

"It's the big day," Joanna says with a sadness in her voice.

Goddamn, I'm so fucking grateful to see her. "I'm going to be alright."

Tears stream down her face.

I pull her into a hug. "Where's Sherry and Amber?"

"They never came home last night."

"I figured as much," I frown. I guess I thought they'd at least say goodbye, but do I really deserve closure after what I put the two of them through? That means Sherry is going back to Dwight after all.

Joanna steps away from me, wiping her tears away.

"I love you," Rachel cries, wrapping her arms around me.

I hold her, giving her a kiss on the top of her head. Out of all my wives, I fear for Rachel's safety the most when I'm gone. She can't take care of herself like the others can if something were to happen to me.

"Please be careful," Rachel tells me.

Joanna hugs Rachel and it's a relief to watch my girls get along. To pull together because of their love for me. It's the closest thing to a family I've ever had.

"Hopefully, you're not my first patient," Nicole smiles, giving me a soft shove to the stomach before hugging me.

"I'm so fucking proud of you, Nicole. I wish your mother could see the woman you've grown into."

"Thank you, Baby." Nicole joins Joanna and Rachel.

I take them in once more before I shut the parlor doors.

…

"Good Morning, Saviors! Thanks for gathering for me so early today. Look what we have here! I know it seems fucking crazy to have these undead fucks inside the walls, but these beauties are the lynchpin of our war plans going forward. Believe it or not, these things are going to help us win this fucking war. You all know how this shit works. You get a bite, you get any kind of wound from these things, something from them gets in you, and you fucking die. We're all infected. We all have this to look forward to when we die. We know this. But for some goddamn reason, one of these things bites us, no matter how minor an injury it would otherwise fucking be, the fever sets in. That fever burns us the fuck out. Makes us one of them faster than we'd planned to be. Which fucking sucks. That's the dangerous world we're living in. But we're going to use it to our advantage!" I rest Lucille against the shoulder of this undead. Oh, he's fucking mean as he snarls at me. "You see this? Look at it, watch how I'm just getting in there, rubbing all up in its grill. Lucille is getting to know this sorry sack of dead flesh." Sorry Lucille. "Yeah! Get nasty, girl!" I hold her up for all to see. "Now look at this! The new and improved better than before all awesome and abso-fucking-lutely **deadly** Lucille. I don't have to crush your head or pound your face through the back of your skull with her anymore. The slightest touch from Lucille, just a **kiss** and she's left her mark. We're going to do this with **all** our weapons. We're going to gunk them up. We're going to have space-aged zombie bacteria weapons at our disposal. And we're going to kill every fucking last fucking one of these ungrateful fucks. Load 'em up, and let's hit the fucking road!"

...

Dwight starts to put in a cd, but sets it back down.

"It's fine," I tell him.

"Seriously?"

"Why fucking the hell not," I shrug, pressing my boot to the glove box. I almost fucking turn the shit off right away, but focus my attention out the window instead. We'd come back from shittier shit. I hear a lot of times that the worst thing about this world is the people in it, but it's not, because people are capable of change. The undead? The undead will **always** be undead. There's no magic fucking cure from this shit. No pill. No injection. Just holding on as long as you possibly fucking can. Honestly, I fucking prefer it this way. I don't even think about my life before. The way I see it, things are better now. We are the new world order. We are the Saviors. I glance over my shoulder at my men in the back. We're going to be alright. My lip curls upward as I lean back against the seat again. There's a tranquil feeling that comes over me. Something I haven't felt in a while. What a goddamn great time to be alive.

...

"We attack at sundown."

"We'll be ready."

"I fucking **know** you will. Now, rest up, lay low, stay out of sight. The shit's going to hit the fucking fan like a goddamn tornado in a few hours. I gotta get something to eat."

Dwight is furious as his eyes burn at me.

"What? What do you fucking want?"

"Where's Alice?"

"Did I ruin your fucking getaway plans?"

"You send her to an outpost?"

"No. She left."

"I'm sure you played no part in that decision."

"Don't fucking dare say I didn't go fucking look for her."

He thinks about it for a second before he speaks. "That's why you came to my room. She left you."

"You think I wanted Sanctuary to be some place where she could catch her breath before packing her shit and sneaking off in the middle of the night? No. I never wanted that for Alice. I wanted to come home, and see her sitting in the parlor, knowing that she's fucking **safe**. Not worrying about whether she can handle herself or not because she couldn't get to one of her knives fast enough. Did I want to fuck her? **Undeniably**. Did I let that cloud my judgement? **Yes**. But that doesn't mean that I didn't fucking want things for her. For us. I'm going to find her after this is all over and bring her **home** , and I'll be **goddamned** if you, or anyone else is getting in my fucking way!"

"I saw Vic in the infirmary, the Doctor was giving him CPR. Did he hurt her?"

"I put him there because I was angry she left and his **fuckin'** mouth sent me over the edge."

"Whether you were angry about Alice or not, Vic deserved what you did to him. It would only be a matter of time before he hurt someone."

"Are you actually siding with me on something?"

"I side with you plenty, Negan. The problem is you hear what you want."

"Now you want to grow a pair that you've decided you're leaving?"

"Like I said. You hear what you want. It's not too late to end this war."

"You're out of your goddamn mind if you think that. You better make sure you're on the right side, Dwight."

"I know I am," he sneers, going over to one of the sleeping bags.

...

Our convoy stops right outside the Hilltop. "Get those meat puppets from the truck. Everyone else, head for the walls." I feel a little better about my odds once all my men pour from the trucks and gather behind me. I take a step forward. "Okay, men, hold your positions!"

"Stop right there! This doesn't have to escalate. You have no idea what's on the other side of these walls. Believe me when I say you will not survive this."

Seriously? Oh, this is fucking rich. A Boy Scout. "Shut the fuck up, put the spear down, and go get Rick. I know he's in there. The adults need to talk."

"Right now you're talking to me."

"I don't even know who the fuck you are. Someone shoot this motherfucker."

Too bad the fuck wasn't impaled by his own spear on the way down. "Rick! I need to hear from you! I will kill every sorry fuck on that wall, and things will get ugly really fucking quick. Show yourself!"

"Rick?! I don't know who you're talking about," someone else shouts.

"Okay, looks like we're going in. Motherfuck. Muck up your weapons, we're going to give these fuckers a one-way ticket to a life of being an undead fuck." I run Lucille across its flesh once more. "Make sure you get all your arrows dirty," I remind Dwight.

"Gotta be careful not to alter the weight. And they're called bolts."

"What the fuck ever. Christ." I raise Lucille out in triumph. "We're coming in, Rick! This is your last chance to hang your bare ass over the side of that wall and let me climb up and slap it red for you getting your man killed just now. It's the right thing to do." Now I'm starting to get pissed off. "Okay! Anyone in earshot listen the fuck up! Lay down and bury your fucking face in the fucking dirt! Got it? Put your fucking hands behind your back! And don't fucking move! You surrender, you live. Otherwise, we're mowing all you fuckers down! You have been warned." I give the signal to my men. "Take it down!" It brings down an entire panel of their wall. "What the fucking hell?"

Rick's group opens fire on the truck.

"Shit fuck.. What the fuck are you people waiting for!? Let's bust some mother fucking heads! You pricks are gonna wish you were face down in that motherfucking dirt surrendering!" My Saviors and I pour in like a swarm. "Spread out! If it moves, fucking kill it!" I could have slaughtered a lot more people, but I was after one motherfucker, and as my fucking luck would have it, he stood not but fifteen yards away. "Dwight, look there. You see that? They're completely distracted. They don't even see us. Shoot him. Take Rick out. Even if it's not a kill shot. That muck will make him sick. It's perfect."

He just fucking stares back at me.

"The fuck you waiting on? Do it!"

Dwight raises his crossbow, hesitating once again before squeezing the trigger.

" **Ungg**!"

Yes! Right in the fucking side! Even better. Now the prick can suffer.

"Rick! They're behind us!"

They unload their guns as we use the building as cover. "Rick's as good as dead. And without him, they're nothing. Game fucking over. Phase fucking two, let's move out," I order the others, as we gather near one of the cars outside their walls. One of my men hit me in the back of the head with his rifle. "I'm right here, goddammit!"

"Sorry, Sir. I didn't see you there."

"Can you really not see out here?! It's dark but it's not that fucking dark. Whatever, where are we at? How many men have we lost?"

"Best count, we've lost less than ten, won't really know until we can regroup. I've got men gathering just to the east of and west of the for the front of the house. They're keeping quiet like you wanted. We're ready to storm in whenever you are."

"You found everyone?"

"Most everyone. Rest are either dead or will hear us when we charge in and join."

"Let's move."

"Once we're inside, if it moves, kill it! It's time for this war to end!"

"Hurry," Carl shouts, as Rick's men try to take cover in one of the houses. "We gotta shut the door!"

"You think a fucking door is going to stop us, kid?! Come on, you're smarter than that."

Carl slams the door, even locking it.

"Tear it the fuck down. Weapons at the ready! I don't want to see any hesitation! Remember, every drop of blood gets us one step closer to putting this nasty business behind us! Let's make sure these fuckers never find the fucking balls to try this again!"

Car lights from behind us flip on. "Take 'em down!"

Four men in front of me drop to the ground. "Get out of the lights!" Fucking idiots! I can't even tell what direction the fire is coming from. How could they have fucking prepared an ambush like this? Several bullets barely miss me. "Fuck! Retreat! Run! Get the fuck out of here!" Trying to get out of this place was a maze of storage containers and dead bodies. We should have taken out more of their men, but most important, Rick won't survive the night.

…

Dwight chucks another piece of wood in the fire. "Do you think it's wise to camp this close?"

"We're fucking doing it, aren't we? Jesus, Dwight, sometimes I just don't think you have a fucking brain in your head. Let me spell it out for you. Those people are fucked, and it's not like they just don't know it yet, they are fully fucking aware. They're staring at a fucked up gate and watching all their injured sweat their nut sacks or vaginas whichever, off before they fucking die. And here we motherfucking sit. In plain view. Roasting marshmallows for all they know, and you shot their leader. Rick motherfucking Grimes. After that fucker dies, they'll be so lost. They'll probably come begging me to take their shit and let things get back to normal, and I'll happily be their Savior again. As long as they let me piss all over that asshole's body."

"Piss on him?! You're serious, aren't you?"

"You could try a little harder to hide your disdain for me, Dwight, but I get it. We've got a history and I'm too goddamn motherfucking happy about how well things are going to get angry with you. But seriously, there's nothing weird about wanting to piss all over Rick Grimes' dead bloated body. He ruined everything. Every motherfucking thing. It'd be weird if I didn't piss all over him. Wish I was there to see him, sweating through his shirt, eyes sinking back into his skull. Little Carl, crying his exposed eye socket out-"

"Sir, got a report from the scouts. There's a vehicle approaching the Hilltop. That guy you brought in, the bullet maker, he's driving. And, Sir, Carson is with him."

"You know what? Who fucking cares? We'll get them back soon enough."

"I fucking despise what you've turned into."

I whip my head around. "Don't fucking start, Dwight! We were just starting to get along."

"This bullshit war you've got us all fighting. What for? Do you even know why? Supplies? Resources? By the time we're done, these places will be inhabitable. These fucking rules that you enforce on us, but twist them to suit you. Your bad decision got Connor killed. Vic won't survive the injuries you caused. Do you really think Carson is ever coming back after you treated him like some fucking lap dog? You sent Marshall after Tara, another bad decision because deep down you're trying to ignore the fact both of them are fucking dead. You forced Alice out of Sanctuary, which is a fucking death sentence. All their blood is on your hands, Negan. **Yours**. I know you got enjoyment from burning Mark's face. It was like you couldn't wait until you had the chance. Sherry chose you twice because there was **no other choice**. You made sure of that."

" **Fuck**. **You**."

"I never should have fucking trusted you."

"In a few hours, none of that shit will even matter, and you'll be someone else's problem that is, if you **leave** alive."

"I can assure you I'm leaving this alive. Just so you know, Sherry came home to **me** last night and when this is over, she's leaving you, too."

Sherry leaving hurts. I've done every-fucking-thing for her, and it's the thanks I get. Still, I can't sell her out because I know what pushed her to the edge is Alice. I should have fucking told Dwight everything right then. Cleared this whole mess up, but I promised Sherry, and no matter how angry I am with her, I won't tell him. Besides, there will never be trust between the two of us. It also makes me think about the betrayal of Carson leaving. Especially, because I have always treated him fairly. I don't know how to run Sanctuary without Carson. He's vital to our survival. Guess I'll have to fucking figure it out. I've got the entire night to come up with something.

* * *

This is it. Our finest hour. "Fire at the school bus, get their attention," I tell my men. Several rounds tear through the metal. The shell casings still on the ground, and the dust settles. "Hello? Anybody home?! White flag, I come in peace! To accept your peaceful surrender. I think technically waving the white flag means I'm surrendering, but let's not be stupid, okay? You fuckers got your asses handed to you with a side order of my dick up those asses. Heh. So, let's talk. I'm sure you don't want to fight anymore, so let's not fucking fight. Let's be fuck buddies again and stop all this fighting. Let's move from one F to the other F and my favorite F. Let's end this goddamn war." The fuck? "I feel like I'm talking to a fucking wall here. I'm talking to a fucking wall, aren't I? Fuck."

Dwight steps closer. "They can hear you. Give them time."

" **I know Rick is dead**! Scrape up whatever passes for a leader in there and send him the fuck out here. Let's formalize this shit already! I give you my word that this is a neutral zone. No more bloodshed. Lucille is drunk off her ass and couldn't handle another drop. Come on, people. Don't be such fucking cowards. We don't want to have to come in there, but we sure as fuck will if you make us. I'll-"

"Surprised?" Rick stands on the hood of the school bus they've used as a temporary gate.

" **Dwight**?! This better be a fucking ghost!"

Rick climbs down from the hood, advancing towards me. "Don't look at him. Look at me!"

"Oh, I'm looking at you. You're limping. You're moving slow, Rick. You've seen better days for fucking sure. You might even be on your last legs. Let's call it a day, let things go back to the way they were. That way I can go home and fuck a wife or two and you can go back into recovery. You look like hell."

"Let me put this in words you'll understand. Fuck you."

"I want to let you in on a little secret. I don't really enjoy killing. Your little Asian friend, sure it was, neat once I started, but I never wanted to do that. You **made** me do it. Don't make me do it again."

"I want to let you in on a little secret. You must be the absolute stupidest fucking person still alive."

"What?"

"You want to end this? Let's end this. Smarten the fuck up and let's do this right. Let's work together."

"I don't follow. You proposing we hold hands and sing songs? You're really going there? You're worse off than I thought."

"I'm proposing you stop fucking everything up so that we can all live. What the fuck are you fighting for? We're fighting a fucking psycho who threatens to kill us if you don't give him half our shit. We're fighting for a peaceful way of life, after surviving a whole lot of not peaceful times. What I'm getting at, Negan, is we've lived through a lot of shit, and we've figured out how to live in the new world and you're screwing all that up. The dead are the problem, but we've wrapped our heads around that problem. They'll always be danger, they'll always be there, and we're capable of dealing with that, long term. Now all we have to worry about is you. So that's what we're fighting for. A world without Negan. What about you?"

"Okay, I'll play your little game. You want to talk through this, that will make you feel better? Sure. Let's fucking do it. Frankly, I've just been defending myself from a bunch of ungrateful fucks most of the time. But mostly, I'm trying to restore order. Get things back to where they were before you came along and fucked everything up. You see, I know what it takes for people to survive and it's someone like me. Someone to keep everyone in line, to keep everyone preoccupied so they're not focused on how goddamn miserable they are. I'm saving lives."

"You're just stupid enough to believe that, aren't you? Can I remind you of something you seem to have forgotten? We have the whole goddamn world to share. There's just not that many people left. There's no reason we should be fighting. We have a common enemy. Y'know, the one that comes in and kills us in the downtime between killing each other. What we're doing, that's helping them win. We do this long enough and neither one of us win. So here's my new idea. You want half our shit? Fine. Make us some blankets. Bring us tools. Siphon gasoline for us. Gather up cloth for us to make new clothes. Or just make new clothes and give those to us. Do something productive."

The fuck? Does he think I'm running some kind of fucking sweat shop in that factory? I swat his hand away when he presses his finger to my chest. "You're proposing we establish some kind of fucking barter system?"

"Yes that's it exactly. But that's only the beginning."

"The beginning of what?"

"The beginning of everything. Do you not realize what we have here? What we've already built? The potential of what we have here is almost limitless. We have a lot of people between us. People who are smart and capable, who can do amazing things if we work together. We can establish a system of trade. Then we can build safer places to live. We can fix roads. We can set up farms. This many people working together we could accomplish so much. We could fix it all, Negan. Everything. We may never be able to get things completely back to the way they were, but we can get damn close. People can live their lives, children can grow up in a safe environment. We could be happy. All of us. We could rebuild civilization, maybe even do a better job of it this time."

"Fuck!" Rick is …right. "Fuck. Fuck Fuck. We could establish a safe zone between our communities for travel. If we worked together it could be easily maintained. If we divided certain tasks among the communities, there's very little we couldn't accomplish. Food, supplies, construction, security. If we delegated and cooperated it could change everything. I've had it all wrong. I've been acting like a hungry dog, hoarding supplies, pushing others away, for safety, for my people. Goddammit, I think you're right."

"We can do so much more together. United. So much that could be changed. You're seeing things my way."

"Yes. Yes, I am." Wait a fucking second… Of course! That's where Alice went. With Rick. Oh, Christ, I could show her that I'm someone she-

Rick slashes his knife across my throat. "Good."

I choke for a fucking breath, clutching my severed throat before taking a knee.

"It's done! This war is over! We have a Doctor who can save his life! Surrender and allow us to take him, and we will not attack. You can appoint a new leader and return home. Decide now before he dies!"

I tackle Rick before another word leaves his traitorous mouth.

"Maniac!"

"Ngg." I punt this fuckhead right in the jaw. "Kill…. Me..?!" I hope I broke this fuckers ribs as my boot knocks the wind out of him. "Kill…. You!"

He struggles for a breath.

"You… y.."

His leg flies up.

I quickly grab it. "Fuck.. you.." I twist and break it. "Heh.. uh…" I sway a bit, then topple over to the ground. I must be hallucinating as I watch Dwight pick up Lucille.

"Stand down! Put away your weapons, and calm down. This war is over. Negan has fallen! If you want to survive, you will follow me as you followed him! We don't have to be afraid of his rules anymore! Things will be better now. You'll see. Give me a chance. Go. Dismantle the camp. Prepare for the journey home."

"Fu..ck.. y…you.. Dwig-" I gurgle. You know how they say right before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes? Mine didn't. Instead, I get one small snippet as I bleed out on the hill and my heavy eyes close. It's my most favorite memory of Alice. The day I came home and Joanna was brushing her hair.

_Why are you staring at me with such intensity?_

_Because I'm pretending there's more to this than what there is. The way you looked at me when I came in, like you were happy to see me, no one's ever looked at me like that before. Greeted me with such a genuine welcome. Made me feel like I'm worth a goddamn._

...

"… if we kill him… we're worse… rules are changing… punished…"

This is like one of those dreams where you scream, but no one can fucking hear you. Open your fucking eyes! You can't die. Not here. Not like this. Rick's voice slowly starts to become louder.

"Wait for me outside."

I think he's talking to Carl. Thank fucking Christ I'm alive.

"You're awake, aren't you?"

My eyes spring open. Shit, I'm hand cuffed to a fucking gurney. "I'm.. in and out. I think I just caught the end of that. You have me and you don't want to kill me? Okay. So what now?"

"Now we rebuild. We're going to undo all the damage you did and with you out of the way, we're going to thrive. I'm going to keep you alive, I'm going to make you watch what we become so that you can see how wrong you were. How much you were holding us back. You're going to rot in jail until you die an old man, Negan. You're **fucked**."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N I started this fic a few years ago so you'll notice after a certain point in this chapter, the fic becomes completely A/U because when I got to this point in my story Negan was still pulling on his pud in jail and I needed to move forward without the comic.** **This chapter will take place over the course of the next two years.**

* * *

Fuck me, I'm alive? I wake up on warm concrete in a completely dark room. I don't even have the strength to push myself off of it.

"Don't start like you did yesterday or you're going to rip your stitches again," Rick tells me, setting an oil lamp on the floor.

Fuck, not stitches again, and why the fuck do I keep ripping them? I don't even remember that. The room starts to focus and I can't fucking believe my goddamn eyes. He really wasn't kidding. I'm in a jail cell!

"You're at the Safe-Zone. This is where-"

I don't hear anything else after that, drifting off into another deep sleep.

* * *

When I wake up, there's a man standing outside the cell with his fingers against my neck. "Rick, something's not right. He's got every symptom of being bit, but I can't find a bite mark anywhere."

I'm so goddamn tired of this fucker poking me, but I can't lift my arm to push him away. What's happening to me?

"Did you cut him with a clean knife?"

"Yes, I made sure of it."

"My arm," I manage to speak.

Rick's Doctor looks it over again. "I don't see anything."

"Crook... of my elbow. Burns." I just want a fucking drink. What the fuck? I can't fucking die here!

The Doctor examines the spot on my neck where Rick slit my throat. "It's not infecte- wait. How much blood did he lose?"

"Enough he almost died. Lost consciousness."

"Did Doctor Harlan give him a blood transfusion?"

"Yes, using my blood."

"What blood type are you?"

"I'm a universal donor."

"Unless he's O Negative."

I let out a groan and shut my eyes. Great, I'm going to fucking die...

"I'll take his protest as he is."

"What do we do? He can't die!"

"See if anyone here is O Negative. Otherwise, it's just waiting to see how his body reacts to the blood. His symptoms are mild now, so that's good."

Mild? "Fuc… y...ou..." It feels like I'm fucking dying. Mild my left nut.

"He'll need to be monitored."

"No one here cares if he dies, but me. See if anyone is compatible. I'll stay with him."

It's so fucking cold down here. I'm never cold. "Heh… guard duty old man?"

"This isn't a social visit."

"How about some fucking water?"

"No."

"Prick..."

"How do you know Alice?"

"Thought it wasn't... a social visit?" I sit up, eagerly waiting for that Doctor to bring her down the steps for my transfusion. Fuck, I can't wait to see her.

"Dwight told us you had wives, including his. What was Alice doing there? Was she a wife?"

How dare he speak Dwight's name. How could I have been so fucking blind? Betrayed by my own Lieutenant. Had Sherry been playing me all this time, too? I ain't telling him shit.

"Answer me!"

"Fuck you!"

"Do you know where I found her? In some sick dungeon, bloody and-"

"Stop," I scream, starting to cough. I grab my neck and gasp for a breath. Goddammit. Rick's not going to let me die, but right now I don't think even he can stop it. Shit, I feel like I'm turning into one of those undead fucks.

…

When the Doctor finally comes back, he shakes his head no.

I push myself up off the floor. What does he **mean** no? Wh- where is she? Where's Alice!?

"Fuck," Rick grunts.

"We don't know for sure if he'll die or not. We just have to see if he makes it through the night."

Rick glares back at me.

I push my eyebrows together, hanging my head. "How do you know about Alice and me if she's not here?"

"You kept calling for her when you were hallucinating. I wasn't sure if it was her or not, but judging by your reaction to her name and my comment, I'd say we're talking about the same girl."

This is no fucking good. Now that he knows, there's no way in fucking hell that he'd ever let her know I'm here. Fuck! I've got to get out of here.

"You've got a bucket to shit in, and a bed. You'll be fed twice a day. If you make it through the night."

"Just a second ago you were practically in tears at my demise," I jeer.

The Doctor helps Rick back up the stairs.

My eyes shift over to my toilet. Just fucking great.

* * *

I jerk violently, opening my eyes when I'm startled by a voice.

It's Olivia, setting my tray down on the floor.

"What the fuck is that?!"

"Bacon and eggs."

"No, fucking... hell no!" I roll over on my cot so my back is facing her.

"Suit yourself." I hear the tray rattle going back up the steps with her.

Good. At least I won't have to smell that shit. What a waste of eggs.

* * *

By the third day of this shit, I'm not even hungry anymore. Everything Olivia brings me is worse than the day before. Today?

"Beef ravioli."

"It will be waiting for you in the morning, and I ain't talking about in the bucket."

* * *

"How tall are you?" Rick's Doctor asks. He's on his fucking tip toes.

It's actually kind of amusing. I could sit on this stupid stool they gave me, but that would take what little enjoyment out of it I get these days. "6 foot 7. Are you done yet?"

"It was a pretty clean cut. Don't think it will scar much."

I tilt my head back down rubbing my throat. My stitches have finally been cut out.

"I'll send Olivia down."

Oh, great. This girl must have some fetish of being yelled at or something.

"No," I dismiss Olivia before she even hands me my tray.

"You haven't had anything to eat in six days."

"I'll starve before I eat this fucking poison."

"Quit being a little bitch, it's just Spam."

"Exactly. Quit being a pussy. That's what he said before he beat me unconscious with a cast iron skillet. It was still warm from the same greasy meat you're trying to shove down my throat."

She's speechless.

Every fucking day it's the same thing. I'm tired of fighting with her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"

"Save it." I reach out my hand and scoop up the berries on the tray, then go back to my cot.

"I thought you were just being difficult."

I have nothing else to say.

She shakes her head and goes back up the steps.

I stare at the crack in the floor. Alice had this weird tic about those. One time, I actually had to carry her because she refused to go any further across the street. She wasn't happy about it. I thought it was kind of funny, although it was pretty fucking ridiculous. A grown ass woman that can't walk across some broken rubble. I let out a heavy sigh. Goddamn, I miss her so fucking much. I hope she's okay.

* * *

"Bath," Olivia calls.

Shit, I just went to sleep a few minutes ago.

"Hurry up."

"Fucking forgive me if I'm not in a hurry to go do nothing." I sit up and go to the back wall, pressing my hands to it.

Two people bring a metal tub in my cell, while another points a gun at me. I wait for them to leave and the lock to click before I take my hands from it and turn back around.

"Here. I brought you some fruit and cucumbers. The meat is venison." Olivia slides the tray to me.

"Thank you." I'm actually very fucking grateful, and thank her again. She didn't have to cater to me, and I have a feeling if Rick knew, he'd probably be pretty pissed off.

"My dad used to humiliate me about food. So much so, I just started hiding it in my room."

"Now I really feel like shit about the fat comment."

"You apologized, which was something no one has ever done. Anyways, I'll be back in an hour or so. Give you your privacy to bathe."

…

Now, I ain't ashamed to be naked, but bathing in front of someone, well, it's not the fucking highlight of my morning. Especially, when the person is making it obvious she's watching. "Can I fucking help you, Olivia?"

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Flatter myself? Can you stare any harder at my dick?"

"Hurry up!"

"I think I forgot to wash my ass."

"Don't make me slap you again!"

"Promise?"

"Ugh," she groans, going back upstairs.

* * *

"I thought you might like to have this," Rick says, handing me something through the bars.

"I don't read," I dismiss him.

"It was Alice's."

I reach out and take the book. The outside cover is in pretty bad shape. She'd probably have a fucking aneurysm knowing it's in this condition.

Rick also hands me my food.

I sling the food to the side and sit down on my bed, looking over the book. It turns out to be her journal. I flip to a random page.

_June 29, 2008_

_I hit every single target tonight, twice. It's the only time I've seen him smile since mom died. He said that he was proud of all the effort I put into my training. Honestly, I didn't care about throwing knives, I just wanted to spend time with him. Foolish, I know. He's not interested in getting to know us….._

Boring. I go to the middle part of it.

_October 23, 2009_

_I'm watching True Confessions again. This makes 334 times I've seen it. I don't even have the volume up. I just eagerly wait for Robert De Niro._

I can't even imagine Alice creaming her jeans to Robert fucking De Niro. A smug look comes over me. I can't wait to give her shit about that. I flip the page.

_November 30, 2009_

_Dad lost his job at the mines today. He's in a lot of trouble for lying about his residence. I don't know what they'll do but I'm scared they'll try and take Charli from him since she's still a minor._

That's who Alice was calling for that day she had the real high fever. I thought it was some boyfriend of hers. I flip through the book and find the very last entry. It's seven months before I found her and right after Rick rescued her. She describes in detail the things those men did to her. There's at least fifty goddamn pages sparing no details. After two, I slam the fucking book shut and throw it across the room. I lean over and put my face into my hands.

"Be thankful you've only read about it," Rick says.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" Why is he still fucking here?

"When I found her, she was malnourished and filthy."

"You motherfucking motherfucker, you wanted me to read that journal."

"You told me if I didn't come to terms with what you had done to Glenn, you'd have your men run a train on my son. On my son," he yells.

"That was an empty fucking threat, and I told you that. But this? How dare you exploit Alice to get a rise out of me!"

"I would never do such a thing. Not after what that girl has been through."

"You should have fucking killed those men after you saw what they did to her!"

"We barely escaped, and it didn't go unnoticed because they chased us for miles. There was no way I could have taken them myself."

"Really? Because I **did**."

"You- you killed them?"

"They found her outside a bar. Tried to force themselves on her right there. I just fucking snapped. Saved that tall burly motherfucker for last. Yeah, I made sure he suffered."

Rick starts to speak, but presses his lips together.

I know how this cocksucker thinks. He's beyond himself because he has this idea of what kind of man I am. He can't wrap his little mind around the fact I'd have some kind of decency. Fuck him, I don't care what he thinks.

"Is she at Sanctuary?"

I shake my head no.

"Where is she?"

"I don't know. After I killed you, I had planned on searching for her, but you've fucked that up."

" **You** fucked that up."

"Why the fuck are you still here? Spare me your goddamn lecture on what you think you know about Alice and me."

"I can't wait for the day she ends up here. I'll make sure you know the second she arrives. You can rot down here knowing that she's just a few houses down, completely oblivious to the fact you're here."

I wanted to tear this fuckers vocal cords out, but I won't. He'll get no such reaction from me because that's what he wants. He thinks he's going to torture me with Alice? **Nothing** is going to keep me from Alice.

* * *

Over the next month, Olivia and I worked up a pretty good system for food. The days that Rick brings me food, I just set to the side, then give it to her. I'm given the fresh stuff she doesn't want.

"Sorry it took me so long to get away," Olivia huffs. "What do you got?"

"Stale brownie?"

"Fantastic. I brought you a tomato."

"You bring me a knife?"

"You know I didn't bring you a fucking knife."

"How the fuck am I supposed to eat the goddamn thing?"

She pulls up a chair and has a seat. "You give me an answer, I'll give you a slice."

"This isn't part of the fucking deal."

"Come on, it will be fun."

"Bullshit," I mumble, plopping down on my cot.

"Why did you kill Spencer?"

Oh... well this is easier than I thought. "He was a coward, wanted me to take out Rick. Thought he would be a better leader than him."

She hands a piece of the tomato over.

Jesus Christ, it's fucking delectable. I let out a moan, keeping it in my mouth as long as I can.

She starts to laugh, shaking her head. "Okay, I'll give you another one for that face."

Why anyone would choose canned coagulated gel over fresh food is fucking beyond me.

"Did you make up that shit about your dad so I'd feel sorry for you?"

"Okay, I'm fucking done."

"I believe you. I'm sorry, that came out wrong. Tell me about him."

"No."

"Was he always abusive?"

I let out a sigh, knowing this girl isn't going to shut it any time soon. "Until the day he died."

She hands me over another slice.

"I'm not really hungry anymore."

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"Does it really fucking matter, Olivia?" I swipe the wedge from her hand. "He was a piece of shit drunk who couldn't deal with the fact his father did the same shit to him. Yeah, things were pretty fucking shitty when I grew up, but it made me the man I am today and if that means I had to take a few beatings, oh fucking well."

"You're always so optimistic. Rick used to say you were a fucking maniac the way you'd just laugh at everything, but it's not really like that at all." She holds another piece out.

"How many more questions? This is exhausting."

"Here." She puts the rest of it in my hand.

I fling the brownie at her. "Sorry," I murmur when she almost drops it.

"I get the feeling you're not really wanting to talk to me."

"It's not just you. I guess you fucking mean well. Why do you even want to talk to me anyway?"

She shrugs.

"I get it. You ain't got nobody else."

"Oh. Is it that obvious?"

"The fact you choose to spend your time down here trying to coax me into talking, yeah, it's pretty fucking obvious."

"Truth is," she holds the bars, leaning closer, "I don't really like it here," she whispers.

My eyebrow peaks at her confession. Holy fuck. This is my ticket out of this shithole. "I'll take you with me, just let me out of here!"

She backs up from the bars and shakes her head.

I give her a boyish grin. "Come on."

"How do I know I can trust you?"

Is she actually thinking about it? "What can I do to earn your trust?"

"You can answer my questions when I ask them. Not shrug them off."

I let out a groan and sit back down.

"You'd rather rot in jail than share things about yourself."

"Yeah. I fucking would." She ain't letting me out. I'm an idiot for getting my hopes up. Probably just trying to find out shit for Rick.

* * *

The nights are starting to get colder. It's a relief from the heat. I welcome winter. I sit up from bed when I see someone come down the steps. "Well, I'll be damned."

Carl cocks his head, stepping closer to the cell. "Why didn't you kill me that day?"

"You think I should have?"

"I would have killed you, I should have killed you."

"You think this is the first time someone has threatened to kill me? Well?" I hold my arms out. "Take your best fucking shot, kid." I lower them when I notice he doesn't even have his gun.

"My dad said it wasn't right to kill you."

"Bullshit. If you did everything daddy told you, we wouldn't be having this conversation, and you never would have got in that truck."

"Why did you have to-"

"Carl," Rick snaps. "Get out of here."

"Better listen to daddy. Run along now," I wave.

"You stay the fuck away from him."

"What do you suggest I do? Go to the other side of my cell and face away from him? Are you serious right now?"

"Don't push me, Negan. I'm the only reason you're alive."

"I'm not alive because you showed me mercy. I'm alive so you can sleep at night without the guilt that I didn't suffer the same fate as your little Asian friend by your hand."

"I won't listen to this shit."

"You can't keep him from coming down here."

That really fucking sets Prick off.

* * *

"Yes?" I finish buttoning my shirt as Olivia continues to watch me.

"Nothing," she stammers, scooping up my dirty laundry.

I expected that to be it, but she's still staring. "What?"

"How do you manage to stay in such good shape? You've been here six months and I think you've put on muscle."

"I've got three choices. Play with my dick, sleep, or work out. What the fuck else is there to do?"

"Gross."

"Whatever, you probably fucking rubbed one out before you came here, or you'll do it when you leave thinking about what I just told you."

"Don't flatter yourself. I'm not impressed with that pathetic excuse for a dick."

"You've seen my dick twice and both times I wasn't even fucking hard, so don't start that tiny dick insult shit. Like I need your fucking validation."

"I don't want to talk about your dick!"

"You brought it up. Well, technically, you haven't gotten it up."

She groans and stomps upstairs, but comes right back down. Right as she starts to speak, she bursts into tears.

"The fuck are you crying for?"

"Look at me!"

"I am looking at you! How the fuck do you think I knew you were crying?"

"I don't know why I'm crying to you of all people."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You're muscular, and tall, with a perfect set of teeth, and a strong jaw. You don't know what it's like for someone like me." She plops down on the chair in front of my cell as she sobs loudly.

I have a seat on my stool so we're somewhat eye level. "Stop this."

"Shut up."

"Why the fuck are you here if you don't want to hear what I have to say?"

"People like you have always been attractive! Everyone wants you. How many wives did you have? Like eight?"

"You think my wives were with me because they were attracted to me? They used me." Shit, it sounds fucking pathetic, but it's the truth. My eyes sink as I drop my head. "No one's ever wanted me either." Except Alice, and I fucked that up. I made all these rules for myself because I never wanted to feel like I did with Lucille again when the entire time I had Alice right in front of me. Who accepted me for me.

Olivia's hand moves inside the cell as she touches my leg.

It's a foolish move on her part, because I could easily pull her against the bars and take the keys.

"I'm sorry."

I gently touch her hand.

She starts to giggle.

"What?"

"Your hand covers mine completely. It doesn't make me feel so fat."

"Fuck you."

"You know what I mean! I'm always the big girl. It's nice to feel small."

"Why don't you start coming down here between meals. You can work out with me."

"Seriously?"

"Why would I be joking?"

"Why do you want to help me?"

"I already told you I only have three options."

She pulls her hand back seeming disgusted. "You didn't, uh... do that this morning did you?"

I give her a shrug. "Maybe, maybe not."

She wipes her hand off on her pants before starting for the steps. "Negan?"

"What?"

"How come you didn't try and take the keys?"

"Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind."

She starts to laugh. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

Olivia really was serious, and she came down here every day.

I thought she would give up after the first week, but she didn't. We worked out at least two hours, five times a week. After the first month, she told me she had lost ten pounds. I started looking forward to our work outs because I actually felt useful again. There's no greater rush for me. I love leading. Structure. Order. The following month, she was pretty depressed. She hadn't lost one pound. I told her to throw that fucking scale away. She'd be able to tell in her clothes, and the next month, even I could tell she had lost weight. "Now we gotta get you eating right. No point in working out if you're going after and stuffing your face with sugar. Trust me. Two months of eating right and you'll never want this shit again."

And she did.

"Do you feel better?"

"Thanks to you. I have more energy and even my blood pressure has gone down."

"I didn't do anything, that's all you."

"We both know that isn't true. If it were up to me, I never would have been motivated."

"You know how you can repay me?"

"I'm not sucking your dick."

"The fuck? Who said anything about sucking my dick? I was **going** to say, you could bring me some celery to snack on."

She doesn't even respond before she hurries mortified from the room.

Guess I'm not getting that celery…

* * *

I'm surprised to see Carl come down the steps with my food. "Where's Olivia?"

"I told her I wanted to do it."

"You come to have dinner with me?"

"No." Surprisingly, Carl had a lot to say while I ate.

I let him talk because the more he does, the less I have to. He told me about his mother and sister. His friend Sophia. This crazy fuck they called, 'The Governor.' Stupid fucking name if you ask me. How he wants to become a Blacksmith and train under this guy named Earl at the Hilltop. Then Carl becomes real quiet. I thought he was upset, but he's just staring at the floor. "Tell me about the day you found Alice."

He stands up abruptly, curling his fingers around the bars. "Was she one of your wives?" He's angry.

"Until I saw the teeth marks on her back."

Carl drops his head, sinking back in his chair. "I thought she was a roamer because of how mutilated and bloody her skin was, but she was crying on the floor in this concrete room."

Now I understand the night he told me he's seen things I can't imagine. "You shouldn't have been there."

"That's what my dad said once we got out of there, but something like that I saw for a few minutes. She lived it for over a year. Can you imagine what it's like to sit on a cold dirty floor, not knowing the next time you're dragged from it to be-"

"Stop," I beg, "please." I cover my face as tears well up in my eyes. Okay, this was a bad fucking idea. What the hell did I expect?

"I miss her, too."

"I have never felt as close to anyone like I did with her."

"She's mine, y'know."

I haven't smiled in so long. I haven't laughed like this since her.

"I should get going."

"Wait! I need a favor."

"I don't know."

"At least hear me out."

"Alright, but no promises."

"My pants front pocket, there's a slip of paper and a photograph. Will you bring them to me?"

"It might be a few days."

"Just be careful with it, okay? They're both irreplaceable."

* * *

Every time Carl comes down here, I'm hopeful that Alice will be right behind him. Carl hands me the things I've asked him to get through the bars.

"Thank you so much."

"Yeah." He seems different today.

"What's on your mind?"

"Me and Mikey and some of the other kids went over to Anna's house after class. She's older than us. She showed us her boobs. It was cool and all, but I kind of, y'know, liked her before she did that."

"But you don't now? Why?"

"I don't know. I guess I don't want to have a girlfriend who'd do that, y'know?"

"What's wrong with it? She's just looking for a little attention, doesn't mean there's something wrong with her, or that she runs around flashing everyone. I mean, does she?"

"No. I mean not that I know about."

"Okay then. Girl's dad probably doesn't talk to her enough. Don't hold it against her. You talk to your dad?"

"I did. He said he was going to think about it."

"Told you that was the best you could hope for. Your dad seems very overprotective, but you know, not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe you'll have to have a long distance relationship with Anna."

"Maybe."

"I want you to know, I really do appreciate our little talks. It.. really breaks up my days. Helps me mark time. I think they're good for you, too. Having someone to talk to."

"Sure. I'll try to come back tomorrow."

I have a seat on my cot, and unfold the paper. Goddamn, this drawing is perfect. I'd hang it up if I wasn't so fucking certain Rick would tear it up in front of me.

"That have something to do with Alice?"

"I thought you were leaving?"

"Don't avoid my question dammit."

"Jesus, calm down. The picture is of my mom. The paper is a drawing of Alice."

"May I see it?"

"A- Alright." I hesitantly give it back to him.

He smiles looking it over. "She wasn't with us that long. I remember the day we got separated. Do you think she's still alive?"

"God I fucking hope so." I let out a sigh. "Okay, that's a lie. I hope her death was quick and painless, because I can't handle the thought of her suffering. This world isn't made for people like her."

"What are you going to do if she shows up here?"

"You know the answer to that."

"You know you **can't** do that."

"What do you suggest I do?"

"Do you think she cares for you like you do her?"

"I don't know. Surely, there's a part of her that does."

"Maybe you should just let her go, let her live her life. If she knows you're down here, and if she cares for you like you think she does, won't that just complicate things for her?"

"What if I can't let her go?"

"Look, I don't agree with my dad on this one. Even prisoners were allowed visitors, but we both know that's not how it's going to work. I can try and talk to my dad. In the meantime, you should think about what I said."

"Yeah."

"Here, I made you this." Carl hands the carving through the bars.

It's a miniature Lucille.

"Sorry I shot her, I was aiming for you."

I start to laugh, looking it over. "Thanks, kid." This little shit even carved the spot where she got shot. Dwight better fucking keep her safe.

"See you next month."

* * *

I'm back to sweating my bag off again. Jesus, it's gotta be 100 degrees today. It's impossible to sleep in this heat, too fucking hot to work out, so I just sit here. Bored out of my goddamn skull.

"She's beautiful, you draw that?"

I almost drop the damn paper, startled. "Jesus Christ, Olivia, you scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry!"

"Who is that?"

"No one."

"That's Alice, isn't it? I heard Rick say her name a few times when they brought you in. Something about a wife?"

"Drop it! I ain't talking about it."

"I brought you a deck of cards." She tosses them beside me. "And lunch." She pathetically starts back up the steps.

"Okay, okay, yeah. It's Alice. Happy?"

"Who drew it?" Well, her mood has changed.

"Amber, one of my wives."

"Why did you force them to be your wives?"

"Whoa. I never fucking forced shit on those girls. It was **their** choice, and they were free to leave at **any** time."

"I don't understand then. If they weren't attracted to you, and you didn't force them to be there, why would they stay with you?"

"We were on a point system. They had a choice to be with me instead of working for their supper."

"Seems like a sweet deal."

"Except when you want someone you can't have."

"Why didn't Alice want to be your wife?"

"That's a long story."

"You have time."

"It's none of your business, and I say that because Alice was reluctant to tell me. She wouldn't appreciate me telling you."

"Private, okay. Do you want to talk about something else?"

"When have I ever wanted to talk about anything? Why can't you talk about yourself? I thought women were good at that."

"There's nothing interesting about me."

"You got a man in your life I can bust your balls about?"

"Who would want me?"

"Why are you so hard on yourself?"

"I don't know. Besides, not many men to choose from here."

"You could become a lesbian."

She rolls her eyes. "You'd like that."

"I would? Why? You gonna let me watch?"

"No," she laughs, turning the same color as her hair. "Do you have any good memories of your father?"

"Really? You wanna talk about my father now?"

"Answer the question."

I let out a sigh and fold my arms across my chest. "I have two good memories of him."

"Tell me about them."

"He taught me how to weld. Well, actually, I taught myself how to weld after he passed out on the floor, but he never struck me with the welding torch so that was good."

"I… guess.."

"That was a joke, Olivia."

"What's the second memory?"

"The day he died."

She frowns, moving her head down and before she can ask anything else, the door opens. "Oh, shit, give me your tray."

I pull it from the floor and hand it over.

"What are you doing down here?" Rick scolds her.

"I forgot to feed him today."

"Get out of here."

"Yes, Sir," she stammers.

"God, go easy on the poor girl. She was just doing her job."

"I'm sure she was."

"Better her down here than Carl, right?" My lip curls upward. I laugh when he leaves without another word.

* * *

Speak of the Devil, Carl comes barreling down the steps. "Guess what?"

"Anna put out?"

"No. What? No! My dad is going to let me go to the Hilltop to train under Earl!"

"Well, it's about time. You've only been asking him for months."

"Thanks for encouraging me to talk to him about it."

"Yeah, sure." Damn, this means he's leaving and it's one less person I've got.

"Look, uh, I brought you this." He sets a piece of paper down inside the cell with a pen on top of it.

"You want a letter of recommendation?"

"No," he laughs. "I thought you could write Alice something. Y'know, incase she's at the Hilltop. I could give it to her."

Not that he didn't have it before, but he's got my full attention. "Your dad wouldn't like this."

"He doesn't have to know."

"Thought you wanted me to let her go?"

He shrugs. "You're not getting out, but that doesn't mean you should be denied to see her, and she should know you're here."

"What do I write?"

"You're asking me to tell you what to say to her?"

"No! Well, I've never done this before."

"You'll figure it out. I'll be back in the morning to get it."

…

I've been staring at this piece of paper for hours. It's still blank. What am I supposed to even say? She deserves to know about Holly, and I know it's going to destroy any chance with her, but I just wouldn't feel right keeping that from her. Maybe in some way she'd appreciate it. Yeah, right. Vic was right. How pathetic I had to make some deal with her for her to even consider that type of an arrangement. I'm a fool. Well, here goes nothing. What a stupid saying. More like, here goes everything we've worked towards when I tell you what a piece of shit I am.

_Alice,_

_I never meant to drive you from Sanctuary. What I did to you, I'm so sorry. I lied to you. Holly never left in the truck alive. She ran and was bit. I know you loathe me now. Maybe you've even stopped reading, but if you haven't, I want you to know one thing. I have never cared for someone like I do you._

"This is so stupid." I scribble over the words, and start at the bottom of the page.

_Alice,_

_Finding out what those men did to you kills me. My biggest regret is that I didn't use my goddamn brain and figure it out when everything was so clear. I know that I fucking hurt you, and I'm so sorry._

"Maybe I shouldn't swear." Yeah, I think she'd appreciate that. I make sure the words are blacked out before I pick up where I left off.

_Holly never made it back to Rick. I'm so sorry. The decision not to tell you-_

"How is this worse?" I let out a groan, then take a deep breath and flip the paper over. Just tell her how you feel. No bullshit.

_Alice,_

_The thing I fear above all else in this world is for your safety. If I never see you again, I just want peace for you. Maybe you've found that in Charli, or maybe you've found someone that will take care of you in all the ways I failed to. Knowing what happened to you, it devastates me, but it made me realize how much I truly care for you. I just wanted to protect you, Alice, but I ended up hurting you more by doing so. Even if you forgive me, it doesn't matter, because now you'll hate me forever. Holly never made it back to Rick. She was bit trying to flee from Sanctuary._

_Negan_

I let out a sigh and fold the paper twice, then set it on the bars with the pen for Carl when he comes back. I should have fucking told her about Holly the second I walked up those stairs. Why does it even matter? I will never see this woman again.

* * *

I roll over when I hear the door open and someone starts down the steps.

It's Carl. "We leave tomorrow." He collects the pen and paper, stuffing them in his pocket.

"Give her the note first before you tell her where I am."

"Think she'll be upset?"

"I know she will."

"Why?"

"I never told her about Holly. She only agreed to be a wife to save her."

"Alice would have saved Holly regardless. That's just what kind of person she is."

"Yeah."

"I think my dad's going to check your cell before he leaves. Anything you're hiding?"

"No, but." I pick up Alice's journal and pull the drawing as well as my mother's photo out. "Will you please keep these safe?"

"Sure, but I was meaning more like anything he'd be suspicious of."

"No, unless you think he's going to take the Lucille you carved me."

"Yeah, you better hand that over."

"Give her to Alice, too."

"I will. Guess I better get going."

"Wait, before you go."

"Yeah?"

"After all this time, all these talks, the things we've shared. Do you still want to kill me?"

"Yes, Negan. You **know** I do."

"How would I know you still want to kill me? After all our time together, after everything we've shared? Honestly, it comes as quite a shock. And don't insult my intelligence. Would I have bothered asking if I knew the answer?"

"Sorry."

"I thought we were friends?"

Carl trudges upstairs without another word.

"Fucking **fuck**!" I'm at a complete loss for words. Still, I can't blame him. He respected me enough not to come down here and pull the trigger. I guess I thought we were closer than that.

* * *

I etch another tick into the wall though I don't know why I bother keeping track of the days. My eyes skim over the other marks made. "507," I murmur, frowning.

_How long did this go on?_

_Five hundred and seven days._

Memories like these are hard to escape, especially here. If I hadn't kept track, there's no way I'd believe I've been here this long.

The door unlocks, then creaks open. Rick slowly hobbles down the steps.

"This time of day reminds me of the worst part of being here, and the best. The fact that I have to shit in a bucket and the fact that you're the one cleaning out my shit bucket."

"I'm just bringing you food. Someone else will be by later to clean your bucket."

"Busy day today? Taking Carl to the Hilltop maybe?"

Rick is speechless as his eyes widen in disbelief.

"Oh, come on. I know you scolded him, but did you really think he'd stop coming to talk to me? He's **my** buddy. You can't break that bond."

"Doesn't matter now. He's going."

"Why do you think I told you?" I take my food from him through the bars and have a seat on the cot. "That creaking sound I hear.. is that a windmill? Yeah, I thought so."

"Life goes on without you, Negan. We're thriving just as I said we would."

"You're just getting things ready for me. You know I won't be in here forever."

"I know you'll die behind these bars."

"I know that I won't. Taunt me all you want, you know deep down you should have killed me. You've just got too much of a hard-on for civilization."

"Have you noticed how little you use profanity these days? Why do you think that is?"

"I don't see the fucking point. Best to save my energy."

"No that's not it. It's because I've fucking neutered you like a dog. You've got no fight left, you pathetic sack of shit. Enjoy your food."

I turn the sack upside down and pour it in my bucket. Probably fucking poisoned. Die behind these bars? This cocksucker.

* * *

"You awake?"

I clear my throat. "Now I am. What do you want?"

Olivia sets down a plate. "Fresh bread. Made it myself."

"Thanks..."

"You okay?"

"I'm just a little down."

"You miss him don't you?"

"Yeah. I guess I do."

"What did you guys talk about?"

"He did most of the talking. Sure didn't ask me to talk about my father."

"All I've ever tried to do was be nice to you."

"I know, I know. Look, I'm sorry. You know I just like to fuck with you."

"Speaking of that, uh. Do you still want that company?"

"Thought you weren't impressed with my dick?"

"I was just talking shit."

"You gonna back your ass up to the bars?"

"Uh," she blushes.

Goddamn, it reminds me of Alice, and how she used to blush at everything. Fuck, what doesn't remind me of Alice? "No, I don't want to fuck around."

Now she's really embarrassed and starts up the steps.

"Wait."

"Yes," she perks up, turning on the ball of her heel.

"Usually, fuck yeah, I'd already have my dick out, but I just…." I want Alice. Only Alice. Yeah, I'm throwing away free ass. Maybe it's fucking crazy.

"You want Alice."

"Yeah." Pathetic. Ugh.

"If you love her-"

"Don't even start that shit. I don't believe in love."

"Oh, bullshit. If I told you Alice was just outside that door, you'd tear down this jail cell trying to get to her."

"That doesn't have a fucking thing to do with love. It's an instinct I have to keep her safe."

"You protected your mother from your abusive father."

"That's different. That's my mother. I can't fucking explain it, but it ain't love. Love is a made up fucking word, Olivia. It doesn't make any fucking sense."

"I've never even told anyone I love them other than this little pug I used to have," she laughs.

"Then why are you giving me shit?"

"I'm not giving you shit. I was just curious. Anyways, I was going to catch up on my reading. Do you mind if I stay down here?"

"What are you reading?"

"House of Leaves."

I groan and have a seat on the bed. "Of course you'd be reading that one."

"Not a fan?"

"That was one of Alice's favorite books."

"Have you read it?"

"Pff, no."

"Do you want me to read it out loud?"

"I've never read a book before."

"Technically, I'm reading it. Not you."

"No, but you can stay." I haven't had bread in probably ten years. This shit isn't half bad, but it's not something I want to make a routine of. The sound of her flipping the pages in that book annoys me. Maybe it's because it's not Alice doing it. I let out a sigh. "Okay, maybe you can read one page, and I'll see if I like it."

"Alright." She flips back to the beginning. " _I still get nightmares. In fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now…_."

It pique's my interest right away. This book is fucking crazy. Like there's actually a page on here with only one word. _Math_. There's even a page half way through the book where it has a word written upside down. _Dragging_. Olivia is pretty patient with me. If I don't understand a part, she'll go back and recap it for me. I don't know how Alice read this book in the short time she did, because it takes us almost two months to finish it. It didn't help me asking questions every five seconds.

"What do you want to read next?"

"I don't know if I have it in me to do another book just yet."

"Maybe tomorrow we can play poker?"

"You got anything to drink?"

"I think I can arrange that," she smirks. "Don't try and take advantage of me if I get drunk."

"I'm not going to take advantage of you," I laugh.

"Worth a shot right?"

"Several," I smirk.

* * *

"Haircut?"

"I thought you'd never fucking ask." I drag my stool over to the bars and sit with my back to them.

"The long hair just isn't you."

"It's this fucking beard that I can't stand."

"One thing at a time."

I used to love when Sherry would cut my hair, which is ironic because I don't enjoy being touched. Guess it reminds me of the haircuts my mom would give me because we couldn't afford to go the barber shop. It's fucking relaxing, and I almost drift off twice.

"You ever regret the war?"

"No."

"Even though it got you here?"

"Rick attacked **first**. Then as I'm accepting his peace offering, he slits my goddamn throat."

"I guess I see what you're saying, but you're not exactly innocent."

"I never claimed to be."

"Did you like leading?"

"Yes." I explained to her a bit more about how things ran at Sanctuary. The point system I put in place. How jobs were divided up. The outposts. My rules.

She told me she feared for the future of this place, because they didn't have rules and structure like we did.

"Rules aren't the problem. Rick Grimes is the problem."

She pulls her arms from the cell as I spin around for her to start on my beard.

"What are you waiting for?"

"If I let you out, would you swear on Alice that you'd take me with you?"

"Yes." I reach for her keys.

She stabs my hand with the scissors.

"Ow! What the shit was that for, Olivia!"

"I didn't say right now, are you fucking crazy? You think you're just going to walk out of here in broad daylight? I thought you were smarter than that."

"What the fuck did you ask me for then!?"

"It was a hypothetical question."

"I thought we were beyond all that."

"I don't doubt that you'd say anything to get out of here."

"What more do you want from me? I answered your questions just like you wanted."

"We both know I'm miserable here, but that doesn't mean I want you to hurt these people, and releasing you would do exactly that because you wouldn't care what it would take. I can't live with that guilt."

"So we come up with some sort of plan where that doesn't happen."

"Oh, bullshit. The second I let you go free you'll find Rick and kill him."

"Well," I fold my arms, "I can't argue with you there."

She has a seat back on the chair and starts on my beard.

I don't know why I get my hopes up every time she hints towards something like this.

"The snow should start to fall any day now."

And we're back to mindless chatter. Fuck me.

* * *

I sit down on my bed and put my boots on. Anything to try and warm up. "Can I have a jacket or something? I'm freezing my dick off." I grunt, putting some gloves they gave me. This winter is going to be fucking brutal. _  
_

"You look like shit," Vic laughs.

What the fuck is he doing here? "I thought you were fucking dead."

"Think I never took a beatin' before?"

"Well, let's get this fucking over with." I have a seat on my cot and wait for him to pull a gun.

He lets out a loud laugh. "I ain't here to fuckin' kill you. No. Not even fuckin' close. I came by to tell you somethin'."

"I don't give a dead rat's last shit what you have to say."

"Oh, somethin' tells me, you're going to care what I have to say."

"Fuck you, Vic."

"I want you to know that I've been tryin' real hard to find Alice for you."

I stand up, gritting my teeth. "You fucking touch her and I'll-"

"You'll do what?"

I reach for him through the bars.

He takes a step back and cackles.

I start kicking the door of the jail cell to break it open.

"Well, that's my queue to leave!"

"Fuck you, fuck you!" I kick the cell again. It doesn't take but a few minutes until someone hears all the noise.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Rick yells.

"Let me fucking go! Right now! Right fucking now! I'm not playing the fuck around!"

"Knock it off!"

I start kicking the lock this time.

"Last chance," Rick tells me, raising his gun.

"Fuck," I scream, picking up my stool and throwing it against the bars. I press my hands to the back of the cell and let out a heavy sigh. I don't want to give up but what choice do I fucking have? "Rick, you have to save Alice." I turn around and swallow my fucking pride. "She's in danger from one of my men."

"Now who's exploiting Alice?"

"I'm fucking serious!"

"You expect me to believe that one of your men just walked casually by the guard?"

"Fuck I don't know! It doesn't matter!"

"That's enough out of you, and I fucking mean it. Don't make me come down here again, Negan."

"Shit!"

"By the way, your little visits with Olivia are over."

"Try and stop her like you did with Carl."

"Keep it up, Negan."

"Or what?" Fuck. I've gotta come up with some fucking way to get out of here.

* * *

I sit up out of my cot, gasping for air. I'm drenched in sweat until I realize there's a hole in the ceiling, leaking water. I move my cot, pushing the bucket over to catch some of the water. I etch another tick in the wall and patiently wait for Rick to bring breakfast, which I'm sure I'll refuse again today.

"Sir?" A familiar voice calls.

I turn my head, squinting my eyes. "Marshall?" I whisper like I've seen a ghost. I was certain he was dead.

"I found Alice."

I stand up and run over to the bars. Grabbing him by the shirt, I pull him to the metal. "You fuckin-"

He backs up as my grip on him slips. "Listen to me very closely. She is safe, but she knows you're here, and if she comes looking for you, I will not be able to protect her. Vic has offered a reward like you wouldn't believe for her capture. Take this," he instructs, handing me my knife. "At dawn, we are attacking the Safe-Zone. If we're successful, I will free you. If we don't survive, and you're able to escape, she's at the bar waiting for you."

My eyes fill with tears. "Is she.. how is she?"

"She's… Alice," he smirks.

Thank fucking Christ.

"You, on the other hand, look like shit."

"So I've been told. Wait!" I scoop up Alice's journal. "Take this."

"Yes, Sir," he says, putting the journal inside his jacket pocket.

I set my hand on his shoulder. "Is Tara safe? And.. and my girls?"

"Yes, but with Vic leading the Saviors every day shit becomes more ruthless. We need you."

"You know I can't go back to Sanctuary after everything. It's only going to cause more bloodshed. After I get out, I'm going right to Alice."

"I'll send Tara with your girls to the bar tonight. Seth and I will escort you from here in the morning."

"There's a girl here, long red hair. Her name is Olivia. Find her before you find me. I want her with us."

He perks up. "A redhead?"

I grip the bars, appreciating his sense of humor. "Thank you, Marshall."

"I should have come for you sooner, but it hasn't been easy."

"I don't care, just keep the girls safe. Make sure no one sees them leave, and kill them if they do."

"Yes, Sir."

...

Why is Vic fucking here? It's not dawn yet. I try not to seem so unnerved.

"This a bad time?"

I don't utter a sound.

"I found Alice just like I said."

"Bullshit."

"Honestly," he begins, laughing. "I didn't even recognize her at first. The undead did a damn good job."

I can't keep it together anymore. "You're a fucking liar," I growl, standing up.

"I figured you'd think that," he smirks and flings something inside the cell.

It's Alice's vest.

I bring my shaky fist up, clutching the vest tightly. The blood is still fresh as it drips onto my boots.

"By the way, she wasn't wearin' pants when I found her. Someone finally got from her what you never could," he grins. "Later alligator."

"No," I scream, dropping to the floor. I bring her vest up to my chest, clinging to it. "Alice!" I dig my fingers into the vest and press my face to the concrete. "Oh, Jesus, no! Alice," I yell. "Alice!"

...

I sit with my back to the jail bars, still clenching her vest. I'm completely numb. This is entirely my fucking fault. Why didn't I kill Vic when I had the chance? To think I was ever remorseful about it. I hear someone behind me and move her vest closer. "There is no way in hell I'm giving you this fucking vest. You can pry it from my fingers after you kill me."

"Have it your way."

* * *

I slowly open my eyes as they try to adjust to the bright lights. I'm disoriented and struggle to lift my head. Fuck me, how long have I been unconscious?!

"Negan," a disembodied voice cries.

Am I hallucinating? My body feels heavy until I realize what's going on. "What the… what the fuck!?" I've been tied to a support beam not only with rope to secure my hands behind my back, but metal chains across my chest. I look across from me as my eyes widen in terror and my screams fill the warehouse.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Please read! I stated this in the warnings in chapter one, however, I will say it again. The start of this chapter is very violent and disturbing as it deals with sensitive subjects that are difficult to read. I will put a mark after the more disturbing parts that looks like this (...) if you'd like to skip over them.**

* * *

_You think you're going to run away with my wife, you little fuck!_

_Leave her alone! Lucille!_

I know Alice is alive because she called my name, but she seems confused as to where she's at. Did someone drug her? "Alice, follow my voice and come here," I tell her.

Someone has duct taped her mouth as well as her hands.

"I can't move. Crawl over to me and get those bolt cutters."

She just stares back at me.

"Alice!" What the fuck is she looking at? I hear footsteps, then look up at the man who stands between us.

Vic holds out Alice's vest. "What was that? Somethin' about pryin' it from your fingers after I kill you?" He flings it to the side.

"What the fuck did you do to her?!"

"I didn't do anythin'. **Yet**."

"This doesn't concern her!"

"No, it doesn't, you're right about that. Which I do feel kind of bad about, but you know how you always say, a way to a man's heart is through his vagina?"

"You want to kill me, fine. Just, don't do this to her. You don't know what she's been through. Vic, I will do anything-"

"God you really are fuckin' pathetic." He shakes his head. "Normally, a thought like this would never even occur to me, but this I gotta thank Leon for."

"L- Leon? What the fuck?!"

"You should really be more mindful of your surroundin's. I just happened to be at the bar that day stealin' your stash of alcohol when you came barrelin' in the front door. I sat there listenin' to you boohoo about Lucille," he jeers.

My left eye twitches. "If you touch Alice, I will feed you your fucking intestines," I growl.

"Mud," Vic calls.

A lanky man steps into the room.

"We found Mud a few weeks ago. Very loyal, unlike Marshall." Vic points to the side.

Marshall is unconscious in a pool of blood with my knife stuck in his back.

"He stabbed me in the back, I stabbed him. After we have some fun with Alice, we'll think of somethin' for him. If he's still alive," Vic laughs as Mud joins him. "Now, you're gonna watch and if you somehow manage to get free, which you won't, Mud will kill you and I will keep Alice for myself. Maybe carry on your wife tradition."

I push my eyebrows together, looking over at her.

She stares back at me sobbing.

Tears pool in my eyes knowing what this sick fuck is going to do to her.

"Not so fuckin' tough now, are you," Vic snaps. "Mud, you want a crack at her first?"

I thought my fucking heart was going to explode.

"Why take turns on her?"

"No," I scream. What the fuck?!

Vic leans over, close to my face. "I'll take the tape from her mouth so you can listen to her scream," he smirks, patting my cheek a few times.

My eyes shift over to Alice.

Alice muffles the word, no, as Vic goes towards her.

I let out a scream, pulling on the ropes. If he would just focus his attention on me, maybe it would give Alice time to escape because I can't take this.

"Hold still," Vic orders, taking out a knife.

"No! No, Alice!" I look up at Mud.

He licks his lips, watching Alice.

"Negan, help," Alice cries.

_Negan, help!_

My eyes jolt back over to hers. "I'm sorry, Alice."

After Vic cuts the tape from her hands, he drags her over to me and stands her up. "You want me to let him go?"

"Yes, please," she sobs.

Vic nods.

Mud presses his shot gun to my temple.

"I want to hear it from your mouth," Vic smirks, running his dirty index finger across her lips. "He dies and you go free."

"No, don't hurt him," Alice begs.

"Yes," I yell. "Let her go and you can do whatever you want to me."

Alice looks up at Vic. "Why are you doing this?"

Vic rolls the bottom button on her shirt between his fingers. "You have until I get here," he drags his finger up the front of her shirt to the top button, "to say what I want to hear."

"Don't you fucking touch her," I scream.

Vic cackles, flicking open the bottom button.

"Alice, tell him what he wants to hear!"

"No," she sobs.

He moves up to the next button.

"Get your fucking hands off her!"

Mud licks his lips. "Almost there."

"Isn't this just a letdown? I thought you'd at least crack by now. I know what." Vic presses his knife under the fabric of her bra, slowly starting to rip it.

I hang my head as tears fall on my pants. "Alice, I'm so fucking sorry," I whimper.

"It's not your fault," she cries.

"It is his fault. You remember that, Alice. **He** did this to you. Otherwise, I just would of killed him. And with that, times up!"

"Please don't do this to me," she begs them.

I watch their hands on places they have no business being as they comment on everything.

"No, stop," she screams, and kicks Mud in the dick.

It brings Mud to his knees as he cups his balls.

Alice bites off a piece of Vic's ear, spitting it back at him.

"You fucking crazy cunt!"

"Yes," I yell.

Alice tries to get the knife he drops, but Vic kicks it across the floor. She hurries over to it as the two struggle for it.

"Shoot him," Vic orders Mud.

Alice grabs Vic by his bloody ear, causing his grip to slip on the knife. She throws it as it flies across the room and sticks right in the side of Mud's head.

" **No** ," I bellow. "No! **Not him**! You were supposed to kill Vic!" Why did she fucking spare my life!?

"Goddammit," Vic screams. He forces her head against the concrete floor, hitting it several times against the ground.

I pray to God it knocks her out, but it only disorients her.

"Ne.. gan.." she slurs.

"Leave her alone!"

"You brought this on yourself! Now I'll take from you what you covet most. Day after day I'm going to make you watch this, until I break both of you. I bet you fucking squeal first." He rips her boots from her feet.

Alice tries to gouge his eye out, but he hits her across the face, then grabs the shotgun, pointing it at me. "Keep fightin' me and I'll blow his goddamn brains on the wall."

"No," she snivels. "I'm.. sorr..y!"

"Don't you fucking apologize to that piece of shit!"

Vic fires the gun, as the round barely misses my head. "Enough of this shit." He forces her pants off, tossing them over his shoulder. "Is the view alright," Vic laughs, unzipping his pants.

_Is the view alright?_

"No, I don't want this, Vic," Alice sobs, trying to kick him.

"Don't do this, Vic!"

_Don't do this, Leon!_

Vic holds her by the throat as she starts to choke.

**(...)**

"Stop, please!" Christ, I can't take these fucking flash backs of Lucille. I can't watch the same thing happen to Alice. "Please," I beg. I feel warm blood run down into my gloves from the straining against the ropes. I could barely move because of how tight the chains kept me bound. When the rope finally gives, I expect a round through my chest, but it doesn't come. Every one of Alice's painful cries fuel my desire further, but even with that, I can't break steel. I'm stuck watching her suffer. Suffer because of **me**.

Alice knew it too because she stopped screaming for me to help her.

I swallow the dry lump in my throat. "Just close your eyes, Alice."

She nods her head and closes her eyes tight.

"Keep them closed, until I say you can open them," I tell her sternly. I bite my bottom lip, sniffing up my nose. "I'm sorry, Numbers."

_Alice, being in my life comes with a price. It's the reason I call you Numbers._

Goddammit. What have I fucking done? My poor girls. This is all on me. There's a slight tug on the chains, then they loosen and fall to the ground as the pad lock securing them rolls across the floor. I look over my shoulder and see Dwight.

He rests the bolt cutters against his shoulder, lowering his eyes. "I'm sorry," he murmurs and gestures a knife at me.

I disregard it, rising off the floor, and run full force at Vic.

Vic looks up from Alice. "What the fu-"

I tackle him to the floor, hitting him several times in his ribs. "You fucking motherfucker! Fuck you!" I break his filthy fucking hands for touching her, disfiguring one of them entirely.

He starts to cry, begging me to stop.

"Like you stopped with her?!" I straddle him and grab his throat.

"Ne-"

Lifting him up by his neck, I forcefully slam the back of his head against the concrete.

He lets out a scream.

I make sure to hit him as hard as I fucking can across the face like he did her, rupturing the blood vessels in his left eye. I raise him up again and then force him back against the ground.

The deepest red blood trickles out from his nose and ears.

"You cocksucking piece of fucking shit," I scream, grabbing a piece of steel from the floor. Gripping it tightly, I drive it into his gut.

He yells so loud, I'm sure every undead within a mile heard it. The smell is putrid as everything spills from his gut. He starts to choke on his own blood and right before he takes his final breath, he gets exactly what was promised to him.

I shove them right into this fuckheads mouth.

He goes entirely limp, his head tilting to the side.

I remove my gloves, spitting on him before I stand up.

Dwight has covered Alice up with his vest.

I bend over and pick up her pants, kneeling beside her.

"N-Negan," she whines, sticking out her hand.

I take it, pulling her into my arms.

She cries hard against my chest, curling her fingers around my shirt.

"Keep your eyes shut, okay?"

She nods her head.

I look up at Dwight.

He's beside Marshall, checking his pulse. "It's not good."

"Keep him alive!" My eyes move back down to Alice. I put her pants on, then start to button up her shirt, giving her as much dignity as I can. "Get her boots."

Dwight does as he's told and hands me the boots.

I grab them as he keeps his grip.

"Negan, I didn't know what Vic's intentions were with Alice."

I jerk them from his hands. "I'll fucking get to you," I snap. After she's completely dressed, I pick her up.

"What about Vic?"

"Open up the side door. Let those undead fucks have at him."

"My vest," Alice whimpers.

"It's drenched in blood."

"I don't care, please." Alice must be desperate to put that filthy fucking thing back on.

Now I understand her reasoning behind the vest. It's security.

"Follow me," Dwight says, getting Marshall. He leads us to a small shed less than half a mile from where we were at.

I set her down on the workbench. "Open your eyes, Alice."

She does and looks around, then up at me as she starts to cry again. "Where are we?"

"You're safe." I don't know what to do for her as I watch her weep. Truthfully, I'm not really in the right state of mind. Vic should have suffered a more gruesome death for the things he did to her. "Alice, I need to talk to Dwight."

"No, don't leave," she whines, grabbing my arm. "Please, don't leave me alone," she sobs.

My brow furrows and I look away from her because I can't stomach it any more. "Let go," I yell.

She cowers away from me.

"Fuck! My anger isn't directed towards you. It's this fucking fucked situation." I brace her cheeks, tilting her head up. "We don't get to feel emotions like this anymore. You're strong. Right now, I need you to help Marshall. Will you do that for me?"

She blinks as tears fall and there it is. Her eyes become completely empty. "Yes, Sir," she responds, void of any emotion.

I hate myself for this as much as I hate her robotic tone, but I have to keep them alive. "Whatever you can do for him," I say choked up.

She gets off the table and sits by Marshall.

I let out a deep breath and go outside, slamming the door.

"Negan-"

"You shut the fuck up, Dwight."

"No, you shut your mouth and listen to me! You owe me that much after what I just did."

I grab him by his vest and pull him inside the room with Alice. "Look right there, Dwight." I point at Alice. "Now you tell me how I owe you a goddamn thing?" I scream.

"A-Alice, I'm s-sorry! I didn't know!"

I pull him closer to me. "You saving Alice is the only reason your entrails aren't shoved in your mouth, too! You betrayed me you cowardice piece of shit!"

"But I'm here now and if you think that Vic was bad, you have **no** idea what he's turned the Saviors into. Right now they're holding Rick and the others hostage."

"Good. Fuck their lives." I bark, shoving him back outside.

"No, you don't understand. If we don't put an end to this, we'll have fifty men that terrorize this area. Christ, I have to sleep with one eye open so they don't touch Sherry, if I sleep, and I pretend to be on their side! Can you imagine what it's like for everyone else? Listen, Rick trusts me. If we don't at least work together we're going to lose everything. Do you really want to go back to the way things were before Sanctuary?"

"Goddammit," I yell. "Dwight, if you fucking double cross me again, I swear to Christ-"

"I swear on Sherry. You have my **word**."

"Fuck," I sigh. It's like one nightmare stops and another begins.

...

Alice managed to get the knife from Marshall, but the bleeding isn't stopping.

He's so goddamn pale, I know it's only a matter of minutes before we lose him.

She holds him, trying to comfort and keep him warm. "I'm sorry, Marshall, this is all my fault."

I leave the shed because I can't stand to watch him suffer, or Alice blame herself. I lean over, throwing up. The vivid images of what Vic did to her plays over in my head like a movie. I put my hands to my knees and throw up again. "Fuck," I yell. Every scream of hers, every filthy moan of his. I can't take this fucking shit. I claw at the sides of my head as if I'm able to rip the images out and drop to my knees. This is the epitome of selfishness because I tell her to be strong while I'm out here on the verge of having a goddamn mental break down. I have always fought so fucking hard to keep my women safe from something like this, yet it still happened to the one I tried so hard to convince we weren't like that. I hear the sound of a truck coming over the hill. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't run. It dies before it even reaches the shed.

"Negan," Dwight says, coming out of the driver's side.

To my surprise, I see several familiar faces as I get to my feet.

"I gathered everyone I could."

"Is someone injured?" a voice asks, standing next to Tara.

"This is Harlan, Carson's brother."

That's the Doctor that saved my life at the Hilltop. "Tara, take him inside. It's Marshall."

Tara nods her head, picking up Alice's bag as the two go inside the shed.

"I thought you were fucking dead," I say in disbelief as I look Connor over.

"Luckily, the ground broke my fall. Some of the boys at the outpost found me. Been laid up with a broken back for the last year and a half."

"I should have never sent you to that fucking outpost."

"We're even."

"How do you figure?"

"Joanna stayed by my side. We've been together ever since you went to jail."

"How come she's not here?"

"She wanted to stay behind with Nicole. Turns out, she's got one hell of a right hook."

Sherry comforts a hysterical Rachel.

Foster and Dillon are in the back, keeping watch from the hill.

"Where's Seth?"

"He stayed behind as well to protect your girls. These are the others from Rick's group."

I know Carl and Olivia, but remember the other two vaguely.

"The one with the sword is Michonne," Dwight points.

"Remember our fucking agreement," a blonde interrupts.

"This is Andrea, Rick's girl."

Oh, great. The sniper bitch. "What agreement?" I ask.

Dwight pulls me to the side. "That I lead."

"Are you out of your fucking mind? You leading? We've all seen what good that does because as I recall, when I was bleeding out on that fucking hill, you took control of the Saviors."

"I was in way over my head. That's when Vic took over and things went to fucking shit. Anyways, the point is, those people over there trust me. I have to lead if you want them fighting by our side."

"Give those people whatever illusion you think they need. Trust or not, I'll make the difficult decisions that end up keeping us alive after you fail **again** as a leader. This," I hold my hand up, moving my index finger in a circle, "is all on you. What the Saviors have become is your fault, great leader."

...

Marshall already looks better.

"Your man will be fine, just needs to rest," Harlan informs me.

"Thank you," I tell him, shaking his hand.

Alice rolls down the sleeve of her shirt. She must have given him some blood.

"Your brother, is he, where is he?"

"Safe."

The others come inside to try to take shelter from the falling snow and frigid temperature.

"A- Alice?" Carl's shaky voice asks in disbelief as he moves out from behind Andrea.

It catches her attention immediately.

He gives Alice an emotional hug.

"You're so big now, I hardly recognize you," Alice laughs, holding on to him tighter.

Michonne walks over and sets her hand on Alice's back. "I knew you would survive with or without us."

Andrea doesn't seem to care either way that Alice is still alive. "I'll get first watch," she says, going outside.

"What happened?" Sherry asks, kneeling down by Marshall and rubbing his arm.

"Vic stabbed Marshall for siding with Negan, then he and Mud raped Alice while Negan watched-"

"Dwight, shut the fuck up," I yell.

"Oh, god," Sherry cries.

"Alice, no," Tara frowns, reaching for her.

"Don't," Alice snaps, leaving the shed in a hurry.

"Way to fucking go, Dwight! What the fuck is wrong with you?" I scold him, going after Alice. I find her not too far by the frozen river.

She's leaning against one of the trees.

I've wanted the chance to be alone with her since everything, but I can't find a single word to say. What can I say? Alice is the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. No one should ever have to endure the debauchery she's lived through.

"Vic didn't rape me."

Denial. Now I understand how she copes with everything that's happened to her. That's the same thing she said about those men in the black truck that abducted her. So that means they raped her, too. I lean over again and throw up until there's nothing left. Goddammit! What about Donnie? She was terrified of him just like the men outside the bar I killed. I run my hands down the back of my head, trying to gather my fucking composure.

"I have someone for you," Alice says, taking Lucille from her bag and gesturing her towards me.

I look Lucille over in disbelief as I stand up straight. "Where did you.. Lucille," I stammer, overwhelmed. I didn't even notice her sticking out of Alice's bag.

"They chained her to the gates like one of the undead. I couldn't leave her like that."

"You saved her." I reach for Lucille with a shaky hand, running my fingers across the grain before wrapping them around her. "Wait," I tell Alice.

"I'll give you your privacy with her."

"It wasn't Lucille I thought of every day when I was locked away. It was you, Alice."

She looks over her shoulder at me.

"Do you resent me for what I did to you in the parlor?"

"No."

"You're being deceitful, aren't you?"

She shakes her head side to side.

"I don't fucking believe you."

"It was my choice."

"No, it wasn't your choice, and I should have fucking realized that. I just tried to believe a part of you wanted me, too."

"I do want you, Negan."

I take a step towards her. "Then let's leave. Fucking right now. I can take care of us."

"I know you can, but this isn't about us. I won't leave them."

"I refuse to fight to save Rick."

"I don't expect you to."

"Alice, you're going to die if you do this."

"Rick told Carl the same thing the day they found me, but Carl said he wanted to try. I won't turn my back on him."

"Alice, I'm begging you not to do this. Don't I fucking get a say in this?"

She walks over to me and I am so fucking certain we are leaving until she gives me a kiss on the cheek. "I'm sorry," she whispers, heading back to the shed.

...

Carl is asleep in Alice's lap as she runs her hand through his hair.

I have a seat beside her.

She's surprised to see me.

I'm only doing this for her, because after everything we've been through, without her, everything else is fucking pointless.

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

These people deserve to fucking die. It's their fault things are so fucked. Mark my words, if I lose Alice in this, no prison will hold me, and they will know what true terror is. "What choice do I have?" This must be how she felt when she tried to save Holly.

She drags her cold fingers across my cheek.

I press my lips to her wrist, moving my eyes towards hers. "Where's your jacket?"

"In my bag."

I get it, helping her in it. Hopefully, this department issued jacket is warmer than it looks.

"Yours is in there, too."

I forgot she had it. My gloves and keys are still in the pocket. It's also a horrible reminder of what happened between us. "Carl has something for you. When he wakes up, get it from him."

"He showed me before he went to sleep."

My chest is so fucking tight, I can barely breathe. "Do you hate me, Alice?"

"No, I don't hate you." She hands me the picture of my mother, the miniature Lucille, and the drawing of her.

Jesus, it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. "I should have told you that night, but-"

The shed door flings open. It's Foster. "We found a gas station, couple miles out. There's still some supplies from what we could tell."

"We can't leave tonight. Marshall isn't well enough to travel-"

"He'll be fine. Everyone pack what you can. I'll let Andrea know," Dwight interrupts me.

I stand up and go after him.

"Dwight," I yell.

"The decision's been made. Perhaps you forgot who was in charge?"

"He didn't like that," Andrea cackles.

If I don't keep my goddamn cool, I will lose Alice again, so I leave them to see if this truck can be repaired. If only it was that easy. The fucking battery is completely dead, but that's not everything that's wrong with it. "Goddammit," I sigh, slamming the hood down. Guess I'll see if there is anything salvageable from the truck. I hear someone behind me and think it's an undead.

"Whoa, it's me," Sherry gasps, putting up her hands.

I ignore her, setting Lucille on the driver's seat before going back to searching the car.

"Do you have a second to talk?"

"Leave me alone."

"No, I want to talk to you, dammit!"

I thought if I ignore her, she'd get the hint, but she doesn't. I didn't mean to, but I just fucking snap at her.

"I told you not to make her a wife, Negan!"

"That's none of your fucking business, Sherry! I don't deny what I did to Alice was wrong, but I've apologized and made things right. I went out of my goddamn way to make sure that you were taken care of, yet you go behind my back because you don't agree with my choice of wife? Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck Dwight."

"You gave me no choice!"

I get right in her face. "You gave me no choice when you fucking showed up at my door, begging me to fix this shit! **Me** ," I yell. "You still haven't told Dwight you're sick, have you?"

Her eyes sink as she shakes her head no.

"This conversation is fucking **over** , and I fucking mean it. I'm going to rebuild Sanctuary when all this is done. You and your dickhead husband better not step one foot inside those walls." I slam the door shut and gather up the pile of supplies I've found, going back into the shed.

...

"Marshall needs to rest," I tell Dwight.

"How much longer, Foster?" Dwight asks him.

"Half a mile."

"He can rest when we get there," Dwight says.

Marshall stands up straight. "I'm fine."

"You're not fucking fine," I argue with him.

"I'm in charge, goddammit," Dwight yells.

"Please stop fighting," Sherry begs us.

"We'll scout up ahead," Dillon suggests. "Take your time."

"No, we stay together," I tell them.

"Go ahead," Dwight tells them, keeping his eyes locked with mine.

"I've got him," Connor says, helping Marshall.

"Negan!"

I shove Dwight out of the way, because there is no way in hell I trust Dillon and Foster. Not after Vic. I wanna fucking know what these two little shits are up to. This gas station could be nothing more than some fucking ambush. My suspicions turn out to be true when I catch up with them.

"If we do this right and bring Negan back alive, we'll have it made," Foster laughs.

"I'll make them think you're hurt," Dillon says.

"Why make them think you're hurt?" I snarl.

They both look up at me wide eyed.

I swing Lucille across Foster's face, killing him instantly. Fucking disappointing.

Dillon tries to run but I grab him by the back of his ratty ponytail.

"You're about to learn why I'm the king motherfucker," I yell, dragging him back to the others.

"What's going on?" Michonne asks, taking out her sword.

"Alice, take Carl, Olivia, Rachel, and Sherry to go scout up ahead."

"Yes, Sir," Alice says, clutching Carl's hand.

I wait until they're out of sight before putting Dillon on his knees. "Tell them what I just overheard."

"I ain't tellin' you shit if you're just going to kill me-"

I silence him by hitting him in the gut with Lucille. "Now," I bark.

"We were planning on taking the group hostage, so we could get Negan back to the Safe-Zone."

Dwight cocks his head. "The fuck?"

"Dwight, why are you fucking siding with Negan? You know they'll kill you if they find out. All you people are fucking stupid!"

I've had enough of his mouth and break his jaw. Now I understand how Alice beat that guy's skull to nothing. All the aggression that had built up in me came out. I know I look like a fucking madman, but the more I beat him, the more I can't stop. Why did this have to fucking happen to Alice of all people?

_You made a big mistake telling him you want to fuck her._

I know I did.

Dwight pukes twice before I'm done.

Connor pulls Tara to him to comfort her. It must be brutal because she's tougher than most of my men, that and he doesn't like her.

I still Lucille. "Move over there away from what's left of him." Maybe Dwight won't agree with my order for the group, but I don't give a fuck.

"You sent them away so they didn't have to see you kill him," Andrea says, wiping Dillon's blood from her face.

I pull the chunks of traitorous flesh from Lucille. "What's your point?"

"Carl's been through a lot, and he's tough as nails, but sometimes I forget he's still a kid. Thank you."

"Probably should have sent you away, too."

Andrea lets out a breathed laugh.

"What do we do now?" Dwight asks.

"Figure it out," I tell him.

"I'll get the others," Michonne says.

I nod and pull Dillon's gloves off, giving them to Marshall.

"Negan, please," Dwight whispers.

I only help him out of fear for the people here that don't deserve to suffer because he's an incompetent leader.

"Connor, Tara, go half a mile east. See if you can find that gas station. If not, we'll go back to the shed."

"Let me go instead of her," Marshall insists.

"Sit down. You are going to rest. Harlan, can you take his vitals, please?"

Andrea sets her rifle against her shoulder. "Think there was ever a gas station to begin with?"

"I don't know."

"Shit. I don't like this," she sighs.

"We're not ready to attack on them tonight or we would."

"I know. I barely got Olivia and me out. They had our people from the Hilltop and the Kingdom all trucked into Alexandria. There were so many Saviors that-"

"Those people are **not** fucking Saviors. Look around. These are **my** Saviors."

"I know I can't blame you for what they've become, but I want to."

"Whatever makes you feel better, Blondie. Don't make much fucking difference to me."

"Does he require more blood?" Alice asks Harlan.

"No, he just needs to rest."

"Alice, come look at this," Carl shouts pointing up at one of the trees.

Andrea glares at Alice, keeping watch on her.

"What's your fucking problem with Alice?"

"Rick saved her life, and she repays him by sleeping with the enemy."

"First off, Carl saved her life. Second, you know why she was a wife?"

"I don't care."

"She thought Holly was Rick's girlfriend. I had planned to kill her to use as leverage against Rick. When Alice found out, she offered to become one of my wives in exchange for Holly's safety."

"I- I didn't know that."

"That doesn't surprise me Rick didn't tell you. Maybe you're the one sleeping with the enemy."

Marshall perks up as he watches Olivia come closer.

She has a seat next to him. "I'm Olivia."

"Marshall. Nice to meet you, Ms. Olivia."

She laughs and starts to blush.

Oh my god, this is fucking pathetic. I can't watch this shit anymore.

...

Although Foster and Dillon's intentions were to hand us over, there really does end up being a gas station, stocked with scarce supplies. It's worth the two hours it took to get here. "Dwight, give me those bolt cutters." I pop the lock, tossing them to the side.

Michonne and Andrea waste no time barging in, though there's nothing in here.

"It's clear," Andrea says, closing the restroom door.

"We should check outside for any weak spots, and anything we can use," I tell Dwight.

He gives me some spaced out look and starts around the side of the gas station.

"Wait for me inside," I mouth to Alice, then go after Dwight. "You better pull it together, Dwight. You almost got Tara fucking killed back there hesitating like you did. The fuck's wrong with you?" I grab him by the arm and spin him around. "I'm fucking talking to you!"

"...Sherry told me… everything…"

"..oh..?"

"I've hated you this entire time when all you've tried to do is protect my wife."

I've always thought Sherry keeping her secret from Dwight was stupid, but it turns out, she's right. Dwight was so distraught the last half mile, Tara could have died when a group of undead ambushed us. I don't know how he didn't see the pain in Sherry's eyes. I saw it every time I looked at her, but maybe he just didn't want to believe it. Now he really has no choice. "I know how it looked. Believe me, I didn't help matters."

"Negan, you can't force her from Sanctuary."

"I don't trust either of you."

"Fuck, if I would have known, do you think I would have ever gone to Rick?"

"Doesn't matter. Not the fucking point. These people are counting on you."

"No." He steps in front of me. "They're counting on you."

"How can you stand here and lie to me?"

"Negan, you had my wife."

"I never touched her, Dwight."

"I know, and this changes everything. I'm saying, I was wrong. Whether or not Rick's group trusts you, you'll keep us alive. I know that things between us are fucked but looking back at everything, things were never better than when you were in charge."

"I should have told her no that day she showed up, but I knew it meant all I'd have to do is tell you to jump and you'd ask how fucking high. Look, we've got a lot to discuss, but this isn't the time. You want me in charge? We do things **my** way."

"Yes, Sir."

The gas station looks secure, no broken windows or decrepit walls.

"Should we gather some wood?"

"Won't do a fucks bit of good. Everything is wet." Hopefully, the others have found something useful. I survey the layout once we get in. "There's two rooms; the office, and the storage closet. My group, take the storage closet. Andrea, your people can have the office. Insulate the windows with what you can. Newspaper and book pages."

Alice lets out a whine.

"I'll help Marshall," Olivia says, taking his arm and guiding him to the supply closet.

I walk over to the front windows and look out them.

"Negan," Dwight whispers, "this place is a death trap."

"Where do you suggest we go in the middle of a blizzard?"

Alice walks between us, going outside. She picks up two of the clay pots and dumps the dirt out of each one, then brings them back inside.

"What are those for?"

"Connor acquired candles. I'm going to construct a heater for each room."

"You can do that?"

"If it works, will you please spare the pages from the books?"

I give her a nod. "Do you want help with those?"

"I do not require assistance."

Dwight watches her go back into the supply closet, then looks back at me. "I'm sorry about what he did-"

"Stop. Dwight, don't bring it up again. **Ever**. She doesn't need a therapist, or condolences. That goes for Sherry, too. You want my trust? You wanna come home? Leave Alice the fuck alone." I press my hand to the supply room door before Carl opens it.

"Let go! I want to see her," Carl demands.

"Carl, you can't talk to Alice about what Dwight said."

"I'm not stupid, unlike your man over there." Carl glares at Dwight.

I can't argue with him on that and let him in, following behind him.

"What are you doing?" Carl asks.

"Give me your hands." Alice takes them and pulls them close to the ceramic pot.

"It's warm!"

"Here," Alice says, putting her gloves on his hands.

"No, those are yours."

"I insist."

I smirk watching the two of them, then turn my attention to Marshall. My eyebrow peaks when I see that Olivia never left and is asleep in his arms. "Where are you going?" I ask Alice, when she goes to the door with Carl.

"I'm going to put one of these in the office."

I don't like it, because I can't protect her in there, but I have to trust that Andrea isn't stupid enough to try anything.

Rachel practically takes me to the floor. "Thank God you're okay," she cries.

"I'm not okay."

"It was terrible while you were gone. I tried to come see you when I found out, but they wouldn't let me." Rachel grabs at the button on my pants.

"Stop." I still her hands.

"Do you want to go to the bathroom instead?"

"No, for Christ's sake! Do you know what happened to Alice? What I just witnessed? Do you really think I'm in the mood for this right now?"

"Better it happen to Alice than one of us."

"What the hell?" Sherry says, sitting up.

I leave the room, about breaking the goddamn door, and go take my aggression on the only thing I can. Undead.

"Negan," Sherry shouts.

I drop to my knees, hanging my head.

She holds me by the shoulder. "I know, baby. I know it hurts." Sherry leans in, wrapping her arms around me.

I don't know what to fucking say. How could someone be so fucking heartless? How could someone wish something that heinous on someone? Better Alice than them?! Rachel is lucky Nicole loves her, otherwise, I would have cast her out and not thought twice.

"I would never defend Rachel, and I'd never make an excuse for what she said, but she's jealous. We all know that. We know that she's an immature, spoiled, brat. She really did miss you Negan, and I don't think what she said, she meant. She loves you, so the thought that another woman might come in and take you from her scares her. I'm sure she feels pretty fucking shitty right now." Sherry gives me a kiss on the forehead, then grabs my cheeks. "I've never seen you this quiet before. I always thought it would be a welcome relief not to hear you speak, but it's awful."

My eyes slowly drift to the side.

She turns my head, leaning hers to the side. "Please say something." Her fingers run through my hair as she sighs. "I'll go get Alice."

I grab her by the wrist and shake my head no.

She moves her hand to my cheek, kissing my other one.

I squeeze her hand tight, lowering my head again. Pathetic. Fucking pathetic. "None of you came to see me, it was like you couldn't wait for the opportunity for me to be sent away." I can't be as mad as I want about the betrayal because, not but a few hours ago, I asked Alice to leave with me not giving a fuck about these people, and I would have fucking done it if she had agreed not giving two fucks.

"Rachel tried. Marshall, Seth, Joanna. It just wasn't as easy as asking the guard to let us see you."

"They never told me anyone came."

"No, they wouldn't."

I sigh, and bring my head up. "How are my girls?"

"Joanna is happy with Connor. Nicole is our Doctor now. Amber had the baby. They named him Tim."

"And you?"

"Me?"

"I asked, didn't I?"

"I just thought after everything you didn't care."

"You're my number one, aren't you?"

"Liar. What about Alice?"

"That goes without fucking saying, Sherry. You gonna answer my fucking questions or what?"

"It hurts. Everyday. Not just the Fibro, but knowing that I might not ever get the chance to have this conversation. I told Marshall about the pain. He was able to find a few bottles for me."

"You two fuck yet?"

She slugs me in the arm.

"Ow, goddammit, Sherry."

She hugs me tight. "I missed you so much," she cries.

"Please don't fucking cry." I let her calm down, before I carry her back inside and to the supply closet. She gives me another kiss on the cheek, despite my protest. I'm sure Dwight fucking loved that.

Alice is back, sitting in one of the corners.

I try and give her my jacket, but she refuses it. She leans in, setting her hand on my shoulder, but I take it away. I know she wants me to sleep by her side, but I can't. "Lay down. You've gotta get some sleep." This isn't even about my opposition towards sleeping with someone. It's that I'm fearful to close my eyes and know she's vulnerable. I want my full attention on that front door. Fuck, the look on her face fucking kills me.

She turns away from me, curling up in a ball.

At least she'll be warm with this contraption she built. Even leaving her to go outside the door is hard, but I force myself from the room.

...

When I come out of the bathroom, Alice is sitting in my chair.

She doesn't acknowledge me. Her face isn't blank anymore, it's completely empty. Empty as she stares at the door.

What am I supposed to do for this woman? I've never seen anyone so broken and it's my fault. Vic never would have touched her if it wasn't for me. I kneel in front of her. Asking her if she's alright is fucking pointless. Of course she's not alright. Does she even trust me after what I did to her? I run my thumb across her cheek. It's damp from her tears.

She moves away from my hand.

It hurts. I don't want to be pushed away. I've never felt this vulnerable in front of a human being before, because she could ask me for anything, and I'd do it, just to show her how much she means to me.

"I can still smell him on me."

My eyes well up. No, God, no. I go into the room she was sleeping in to get her bag and bring it back. I dig in her bag, finding her bottle of hand sanitizer and squeeze it into her frigid hands, then rub mine over hers, working it in.

She hangs her head, sobbing.

I press my lips to her temple, continuing to rub her hands. "I'm so fucking sorry," I whisper. I lower my head, moving my arms around her. "Christ, Alice, I'm sorry."

"Stop," she whines, moving out of my arms and sitting back against the chair. She tries so hard to get her blank expression, but her lip won't stop trembling as her brow knits. Alice snatches the hand sanitizer and frantically rubs some on her neck.

That sick fuck left hickeys on her. I grit my teeth, looking away. The images of what he did to her will forever be burned into my mind. His filthy moans. His hands groping every part of her. His tongue- Oh, Christ, I can't take this! Alice claiming Vic didn't rape her is complete bullshit, but I don't say anything. It's probably why she never told me about the men back at the bar. I was so fucking cruel to her about it that day, I almost apologize, but that is the last thing she needs right now. This is breaking me. Alice, to me, will always, and has always been **mine**. I'm not a jealous person, except when it comes to her. Some motherfucker with his hands on her makes me fucking insane. I wish I would have kept Vic alive so that every day I could bring hell upon him until I allow him an even more brutal death, but this isn't about getting my revenge. She was so grateful when I slaughtered those men. I know I did right by her killing Vic. It's closure. What fragment of closure she can have.

"I'm sorry to put you through this. I see your face and I know you're-"

"Don't." It chokes me up for a second as I try to collect myself before speaking again. "I'm fucking sorry for denying you the option to cope with what had just happened. Christ, I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping us alive. I can't fucking imagine the anguish you must feel, Alice."

"Vic and Mud enjoyed it, just like the group you killed. The more I resist, the more gratification they receive." She points to the scar on her forehead. "That day you found me with the gun in my mouth, I had every intention of pulling the trigger. I woke up to a few men trying to force themselves on me and when I tried to run, one struck me with a wrench."

That's why she teared up the day she told me. Goddammit! How much more has she been through that she hasn't told me about?

"I've grown tired of fighting men off only to be raped anyway."

I hold her by her cheeks. "Alice, no man will **ever** put his hands on you again. I will die before I let it happen. You have my word."

Her blue eyes that I love so much show a brief gleam of hope. A sense of relief. Then they flood.

I pull her against my chest, holding her tight.

She sobs endlessly, knotting my shirt.

I pick her up so that I can sit down and she can curl up on me. I'll stay like this as long as she needs. She shivers in my arms, so I give her my jacket.

"Your wrists," she notices.

They're just like hers, burned and mutilated from the rope. I won't have her blame herself. "I used to sit outside my mom's bedroom door while she slept to make sure my father wouldn't hurt her. As long as he took his anger out on me, I didn't care because it meant she was safe. I would have done anything to protect my mom. Just like I will do anything to protect you."

She curls her fingers around mine.

"We're going to end this fucking nightmare and go home, Alice. You can sleep in your bed knowing you're safe and any time you don't feel like it, I will sit right outside that door."

Alice throws her arms around my neck, turning so she straddles me to be even closer.

I pull the jacket up more, then put my arms under the leather. I can feel the dampness of her warm cheek against mine. "You don't have to cry anymore." I tell her. I remember this feeling from when I was a child. It was the day my father died. My mom held me as they took his body. I had never felt so fucking relieved in all my life. Comforted to know that motherfucker would never hurt my mom again. I knew that every broken bone finally meant something. He was gone and he was never coming back. "Close your eyes." I rub her back knowing it probably doesn't do much over the vest, but she's asleep within minutes. Finally, a shred of progression.

* * *

I still don't feel like we're ready, but I know the longer we wait, the weaker we become. The only thing any of us seem to have on our side is vengeance and the willingness to protect our people. "We want to do everything we can to draw them to us. Andrea is going to pick anyone off that gets on the wall, otherwise she'll keep an eye out in case anyone gets in trouble." I have to trust her not to put a bullet in me, but the concern she has about Rick right now, I don't think she's worried about anything but him or her son. "Dwight, Sherry, Connor, and Harlan, farthest end on the right. Olivia, Marshall, Carl, and Michonne, up front. Tara, Alice farthest end to the left. Rachel, you're with me. We'll take the left side, too. If we can keep them back with ranged attacks, I think that's our best bet. Marshall, Carl, try everything you can to spare your ammo."

"I see Rick," Andrea tells me.

"How many in the court yard?"

"Seven."

"After everyone's settled, take one out. One. Drawing them out also gives us the advantage of taking whatever weapons they have on them."

"How do you know they'll come out?" Michonne asks.

"There's fifty men in there that want to see me dead. They'll come out."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N** **As we continue forward, there are a lot of relationships that need healing, as well as individuals, so this chapter might seem a little dark. A quick random note, Alice and Negan are the same height if Negan is sitting or kneeling.**

* * *

_Love humiliates you, but hatred cradles you. – Janet Fitch_

* * *

I have an advantage on my side. The advantage of a man who has had everything taken from him and is blinded by vengeance. Lucille gets her revenge for being tied up like a dog with every mangled skull. The ground's a bloody maze of limbs and innards. The air is putrid from the smell of death. My men protect each other, and they protect Rick's people. There were no sides or grudges. We do what we always have. Survive.

Connor takes a bullet for Michonne.

Andrea saves Alice's life when one of the men sneak up behind her.

Carl uses his last round to protect me.

The snow is drowning in a sea of red. All the commotion attracts the attention of undead. This is unlike anything I have ever been through, because Vic's men just keep coming. The undead keep coming. I start to fear for the safety of my men. "Jason?"

"James, Sir." He cowers when I raise Lucille. "I'm on your side! After everything you did for my wife." He drops his gun to his feet as it sinks down into the snow. He's managed to kill a few of Vic's men inside of the Safe-Zone. "The Safe-Zone is clear, Sir."

It's... over? "Alice," I call out frantic.

"I'm here." She wipes the blood from her face. It's not hers. She goes back to retrieving her knives.

"How bad is it?" I ask Connor.

"Bullet came out easy enough. I'll be fine."

I make sure to find each one of my men before I go inside the Safe-Zone. "Look who's on their knees in front of me again."

Rick's weary eyes fill with panic.

"Pathetic," I grunt.

"Rick," Andrea yells, throwing her arms around him.

The look on his face makes every day I spent in that cell worth it. Especially when he realizes, I'm not behind these attacks. I turn around to a crying child.

He's reaching up for me.

"Negan," Amber stammers, as she picks up the child.

"Tim?"

"What? Oh, yeah, Tim," she smiles. "Do you want to hold him?"

"I'll pass," I laugh.

Amber is a bit awkward at first, but gives me a one armed hug.

I let out a groan, patting the top of her head. We've never seen eye to eye on anything, but it doesn't mean I'm not happy to see her safe.

"You look good," she smiles, eyeing my torso.

"I'm sorry that you got caught up in this, Amber. I'm relieved you're okay."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Tim reaches for Lucille, but I pull her back.

"No," she tells him softly.

"Where's Mark?"

"I'm right here." He sets a protective hand on Amber.

"For what it's worth, you two are welcome back at Sanctuary." I take their silence as an opportunity to leave.

My men have pulled the dead from the Safe-Zone and started to burn the bodies.

Rick seems appreciative of that, not that I fucking care.

The Hilltop, The Kingdom, Sanctuary and the Safe-Zone are all lucky because we didn't lose anyone in this. Just the ones that sided with Vic. The Traitors.

"Rick?"

"Alice," he smiles.

I have to look away when he hugs her. I'm not even jealous, I'm fucking pissed.

"Where do we go from here?" Rick asks.

"Listen the fuck up people," I start. "Everyone needs to decide what side they're on."

"It doesn't have to be this way," Rick insists.

"You know good and goddamn well it does, because the last time I agreed to this bullshit, I ended up on a fucking gurney. Decide who you're with," I shout, taking a step back.

Rick grabs Carl's shoulder and they both take a step back.

Andrea and Michonne side with Rick. No surprise there.

Marshall walks over to my right side.

Dwight and Sherry move behind me.

Olivia glances at Marshall, and then at Rick. "I'm sorry, Rick," she tells him, walking over to Marshall and taking his hand.

Carson and Harlan look at each other for a few seconds before Harlan joins my side.

John walks over and stands beside Rick. "You people are brainwashed to side with Negan."

Tara stays on my side. "So be it."

James is already on my side.

Rachel runs over to Sherry.

Amber and Mark join her which surprises the shit out of me.

The others that are left, stuck with whom they originally sided with in the first place. I might have lost John, but gained Harlan and Olivia. My chest tightens when I see Alice on Rick's side. No!

Carl is clinging to her arm and hand.

Anyone looking at me can see the panic on my face, including Rick.

Rick sets his hand on Alice's cheek. "Alice, you belong with us."

I don't say anything because, for once, I don't want to be selfish. I want her decision to side with me because she wants to.

"Rick, I will always be grateful for what you did for me," she takes his hand from her face, "but my loyalty is to Negan." There isn't a shred of doubt in her voice.

I let out a deep breath. There is no greater satis-fucking-faction than the look on that cocksuckers face.

"Alice, no," Carl frowns. He's heartbroken, giving her a hug.

"It's not good bye."

"Promise?"

"Of course. Are you displeased with my choice?"

Carl looks at me, then back at Alice. "I understand, go to him."

Alice holds him a bit longer before she's at my side.

"We should establish a messenger. People who are free to travel between sides," Rick suggests.

"Carl," I tell him.

"No, absolutely not. Michonne. Alice can be your messenger."

"Like hell she is," I snap, pulling her against me. "You want a fucking message? Stay on your own goddamn side."

"Stop," Alice demands, stepping in the middle. "There are larger things at stake than sides and messengers. We can decide this later, but there needs to be some type of truce. Otherwise, we might as well destroy each other now."

"One month. Then we'll meet again," I tell Rick. "Saviors, get in the trucks. We're going home."

…

I step from the truck and onto the damp rubble in the courtyard of Sanctuary. Goddamn. Home. Things never really changed here, it's just more decrepit. It's strange to be back.

Seth comes out of the front doors, lowering his rifle. "Fuck." It's more of a thankful sigh he has, and he sticks his hand out to shake mine. "Goddamn, it's good to see you, Negan."

"Are- are they safe?"

"Yeah, Nicole was cleaning up a bit. Joanna is asleep in Connor's room."

Rachel speeds past me to go inside Sanctuary.

"Thank you, Seth."

"Don't thank me. Marshall organized most of this."

Tara comes over to Seth and gives him a kiss before she goes inside.

"Yeah," Seth starts, laughing. "I know."

I don't even pretend to understand that relationship. "This is Harlan, Carson's brother," I introduce, "and Olivia."

"I'll get them rooms, Sir," Carson replies.

I follow them inside, greeted by Grady still clutching his cough syrup.

He's still alive? Unbelievable. There's several more familiar faces. "It's cold as fuck in here. Dwight, Seth, light the furnaces." The higher I ascend up the steps, the more I can survey the condition of Sanctuary.

"Negan," Connor yells, catching up to me. "How is this going to work?"

"The same as it always has. Gather everyone in the meeting room, we'll go-"

"No," he growls. "I'll be goddamned if we're going back to the way things were."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Joanna being a wife."

"You think I want her as a wife if she wants to be with you? Or that I could even go back to wives?"

"So, what, you're celibate now?" He starts to laugh and laughs even harder when I don't respond. "Are you fucking with me?"

"No. I ain't **fucking** with you. I just watched the only person I care about, passed between two grown sorry fucks," I yell.

"Shit- I.."

"Do what I fucking told you," I snap, before I trudge up the steps to the parlor. It's fucking trashed.

Nicole and Rachel are cleaning it up.

I walk over to Nicole and set my hand on her shoulder. "Did they touch you?"

"No. I'm so happy to see you," Nicole cries. "Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"Rachel told me what happened."

Rachel makes it a point to bang shit around.

"Do you want us to leave, so you can be with Alice?"

"No," Rachel snaps. "Are you fucking serious? We're not leaving."

"Rachel, stop," Nicole yells.

"No, fuck that. We're staying. If you think I'm going back to earning points, you're fucking mistaken. I have been loyal to you, Negan, and so has Nicole. We didn't run away, or find some other guy, we waited for you, and now that's about to pay off."

"Are you threatening me?"

"Sure am."

"Stop it, both of you. Negan, Rachel and I will be fine. She can do some of the chores for points-"

"No! I'm not working for points!"

"Alright, that's enough. I have enough shit going on without being blackmail by some selfish spoiled brat who doesn't want to pull her weight. You wanna stay, Rachel? You're going to clean up after me and earn your keep. You also will clean this fucking room up, am I clear?"

"I was doing that," she mumbles.

"Christ," I yell, going in the bathroom.

Nicole comes after me. "Let me talk to her."

"No."

"She's in love with you, you know. It used to bother me, and I made the mistake of messing around with Joanna to hurt her, but I realized how much she means to me. I know it's really messed up, I get that, but we're working on things."

"If it wasn't for you, she'd be gone."

"I know, and she knows that."

"She better man up."

"She will. I'd like to be our Doctor, if that's alright."

"Of course it's alright. We have another one, too, it's Carson's brother."

"Two will be good, we can split the work load. Should I take a look at Alice?"

"No." My eyes glaze over. "She said he didn't rape her, but I watched it."

She rubs my back. "I'm sorry I brought it up. Do you need anything?"

"I'm going to take a quick shower and sort all this shit out. Just clean the parlor if you would. Have Sherry and Joanna help." I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. I'm so fucking grateful my girls are okay. Seeing them all move on with their lives makes me happy. I don't want to disappoint them like I have Rachel. After my shower, I get to see Joanna for the first time. "You can't walk in on me like this anymore," I smirk as she closes the bathroom door.

"Wow, you look the best you ever have. You've put on a lot of muscle."

I look myself over in the mirror. Yeah, I have put a lot on.

"Wanna mess around one last time?"

"No."

"Are you mad at me about the Connor thing?"

"Of course not."

"I'm so sorry about Alice."

Why does everyone have to fucking bring this up? I know everyone, but Rachel, is fucking sorry. Why can't everyone mind their own fucking business?

"I won't speak any more about it. I just wanted to see you. I'll let you get dressed. Wife or not, I'm glad you're home."

"I'm so fucking relieved you're okay."

"You're going to make me cry."

"No more crying please."

"Can I get you anything?"

I shake my head no.

"Welcome home, Negan."

…

"First thing's first. We're going to clear the fucking air. No more sneaking around shit. No more running crying to someone else because you don't agree with the way things are done." I set Lucille on the table. "Take your best shot."

"What?" Connor laughs.

"You fucking heard me. You wanna fucking take a swing at me, go right the fuck ahead."

Dwight shakes his head no.

"I told you, we're even," Connor says.

"You gave us a choice on the hill. Side with you, or go to Rick. That's why we're here," Marshall adds.

Mark comes out of nowhere and hits me on the back of the head with a folding chair.

I drop to my knees, holding the back of my bloody head. "Jesus fucking Christ, I meant with your fucking fist, not a goddamn chair. This ain't fucking wrestling."

"S-sorry," Mark frowns, "but.. you said take your best shot."

I can't believe that little shit had it in him!

Harlan grumbles, looking over the back of my head. "Might need stitches."

"No! No goddamn stitches." I get to my feet and rest my hands to the table. "Fuck."

Carson wheels over one of the chairs to me.

For a second, I thought he was going to have at it, too.

"Have a seat, Sir."

I let out a grunt and plop down.

Connor slugs Mark in the gut. "That was a long time fucking coming you fucker." Connor folds his arms, satisfied with himself.

Tara kicks Connor in the balls. "Misogynist piece of shit."

Carson slaps Connor.

"Enough!" I mean for them to take their anger out on me, not each other. "Can we fucking begin?" Fuck. "Now, Lieutenants. Dwight is first. Connor second. Marshall third. Carson fourth. Seth fifth. I don't know where all those fucking undead went on my fences, but I want them back up. Tomorrow, we'll work on that. Carson, this will give you time to go over inventory. See what we need to scavenge. Olivia will help you. Harlan and Nicole will be our Doctors. Cindy, over the kitchen. Molly, over the garden. Jas-uh James, you're over maintenance inside Sanctuary, but until we recruit more people, you'll also have to do two passes a day on the fence. Make sure it's secure. Mark, water. Which I'm sure is fucking fucked. Once the fence is done, they'll be two teams. One to get water that Marshall will lead. One to get supplies that I will lead. The point system stays. The way of earning points stays. Right now, while supplies are in short demand, one meal a day. It's going to be shitty for a long fucking time people, but we make due. I want to work towards getting those solar panels from Arlington like Alice talked about as soon as winter is over. Cindy, Molly, scrape up what you can and feed everyone, then everyone get some fucking sleep. Be up before dawn and outside ready to work."

…

"Alice?" It's so goddamn cold, I can see my breath. I walk over to her bed and kneel down. "Alice."

She shivers, facing the wall. "Please leave," she sobs.

I pull her to the edge of the bed. "Why didn't you shower?"

She shakes her head no.

I know that's the one thing she wanted so I don't understand.

_The girls usually shower around the same time. She goes before everyone wakes up._

"Come up to the parlor bathroom."

Her bag is in her hand in an instant.

She could have walked, but I carry her as she clings to my neck. "Anytime you need to shower, you can use this bathroom." I set her down next to the tub and give her her privacy.  
…

She's been in there a while. I hesitate for a moment, then press my ear to the door. The water is still running. I open the door, calling her name.

"I require soap."

"There's some in there."

"There was only a small amount left."

I bite my lip, trying to keep myself calm before I break a mirror or some shit. That was a brand new fucking bar when I used it earlier. Her poor skin. I stick my hand around the shower curtain. "Alice, let me help. Tell me what to do."

"May I please use the water a little longer?"

It hurts that she might think the only reason I'm here is to police the water usage. "Yeah." I leave before I lose it.

Nicole sees my expression and comes over to me.

"She's in there scrubbing herself raw." I cover my face.

"I know this is hard for you."

I let out a sigh as my stomach rumbles.

"Let me get you guys some food."

"No. My stomach is upset, not hungry."

"But she might be, and you both need to eat. You've been through a lot. Even if you don't feel like it, please eat. Rachel, come on. Give them some time alone."

"Why am I being forced from my room? He has his own room!"

"Rachel," Nicole yells.

"Jesus Christ," she screams, making sure she doesn't go quietly.

Nicole apologizes before leaving the room.

…

I have a feeling the only reason Alice is done with her shower is because the water is so fucking cold. "Come eat with me."

"No."

"Well... can't you at least sit with me?"

She just stares at the parlor doors, ready to dart out of here.

"Alice, I haven't seen you in over two fucking years. You want me to come right out and say it? Fine. I fucking missed you. I missed you, Alice, and I just want to fucking talk to you. I don't care what we talk about, fucking smart shit like math. You want me to get on my goddamn knees? Because I fucking will."

She wraps her arms around my neck.

I sigh into her shoulder, pulling her between my legs.

"It's not my intention to push you away."

"Yes, it is. That's just how you deal with shit, and I fucking hate it. Especially, because I'm right fucking here."

"I missed you as well. Even your colorful dialogue."

"Bullshit." I feel her smile against my neck, before she lets go.

She drags her finger across the scar on my neck, sitting on my lap. "Rick did this?"

"Yeah." I lift my chin up more.

"You could have perished."

"Fucking tell me about it. Then I was given the wrong blood. Though, I have to say, for a minute I expected to see you at the Safe-Zone. I was so fucking certain you'd show, and when you didn't, I had never felt more alone." I brace her cheek. "Where did you go?"

"The RV park. Where we found the girls. I took shelter there for a year after I left Sanctuary in hopes that one day Charli would return."

"Did she?"

"No."

There's a long uncomfortable silence between us.

"I read House of Leaves."

She perks up.

"Well, Olivia read it to me."

"I have plenty of books I can read to you! I'm reading this one now-"

"You **do** realize the only reason was because there was no other options?"

"Oh," she frowns.

I don't know why I brought this up. I don't give a fuck about books. Jesus, it's late, and tomorrow is going to be exhausting.

"Where did you get this watch?" She grabs my wrist.

"I don't wear it often, but it was in my jacket pocket. Had it about twenty years."

"Did Lucille give it to you?"

"No, I bought it." I almost laugh because it looks like she's casing the damn thing, trying to figure out how to get the gears out of the watch.

"It still works." She seems disappointed. "May I have it when it breaks?"

"Well, now I know who to question if the shit goes missing."

"I- I wouldn't steal it."

"Guilty conscience?"

She doesn't find it amusing as her eyes sink.

This is a fucking disaster. I should have just let her go after she was done with her shower. It's like we forgot how to talk to each other, and it's fucking depressing. I used to have so much fun with her. Now I'm looking over at the doors just waiting for her to leave.

Alice scoots off my lap, and I think she's leaving, but she pulls her notebook out of her bag. "We could scavenge the town of McLean."

Oh. This isn't what I expected, but this is good.

"There's several places. Safeway, the Police Station, Chain Bridge Corner, and Langley Shopping Center."

The Police Station? I look her tattered vest over and it just puts me back into a horrible mood. "Yeah, sure. You should get some sleep. We have a big day tomorrow." I just want her gone. I want to be left the fuck alone.

She takes the hint, leaving. Her food sits untouched on the table.

I lean over, running my hands through my hair. "Goddammit," I sigh.

* * *

_No! No! Alice? Alice, answer me! Help! Help!_

_It's useless to get aid for a bite._

I gasp for a breath and sit out of bed. "Fuck!" Oh, fuck. It was just a nightmare, but it felt so goddamn real. I press my feet to the cold floor and catch my breath. It feels strange getting ready today knowing I'm going to be scavenging, but I quickly fall back into my routine as do my men, who are already waiting on me. We were able to get the south side and east side of the fence done yesterday, but the rest will have to wait.

Carson hands me over inventory, which is one fucking page. **One**.

"What the fuck went on while I was away?"

"I don't know. I was at the Hilltop with my brother."

The question was rhetorical, but whatever. I've sent Marshall, Seth, Tara, James, and Mark for water, so that means I've got Dwight, Connor, and Alice with me. "Dwight, Connor, one of you have to stay here. I can't leave Sanctuary vulnerable like this."

"I can do it," Carson offers. "Just go."

I have a plan for everything, but I feel so fucking lost right now. This reminds me of the days when we started Sanctuary and we almost didn't make it. What am I saying? It is just like those days. Starting from nothing. "Thank you." I appreciate him stepping up.

"Yes, Sir." Carson goes over to the gate and waits for us to pull out so he can lock it.

I want to sit with Alice, but I need to distance myself from her. It's fucking shitty, I know it is, but I want everyone focused. It also makes me realize just how much of our conversation was me hitting on her, or saying lewd things.

…

"Connor, go with Dwight. I want everything we can possibly salvage. Check in the desk drawers for any ammo or guns that might have been stashed." Maybe that's just bad movies, but we're at a point where we're desperate. "Alice?" Jesus Christ, where the fuck did she go? "Alice," I call, when I open the locker room door.

"I'm not decent!"

"S-sorry." I shut the door and check out some of the rooms down the hall. Vending machine junk food of course. It always surprises me what actually gets left behind. A place like this will obviously be picked through. The only reason we're here is for Alice so she can get some more clothes, and hopefully, a vest.

The locker room door shuts, and Alice sets down a canvas bag. She's changed into another police shirt.

Is every fucking police shirt in this state gray? I mean, whatever happen to black or blue. God, I fucking hate that color. "Well?"

"I found several things." She shows me her bulletproof vest that she found before she puts back on her tie. She also found a tactical vest to put her knives in.

"That one is a little big."

"It can be tailored to fit me. It's what I did with my last one."

I let out a sigh. Small talk. Great. I kneel down and tie her left boot.

"Thank you."

"Not that big of a deal."

"I'm referring to the trip to the Police Station. I know you only agreed to come here because of me."

"Wouldn't hurt to find some weapons."

She kisses my cheek.

What I think is just something brief, turns into her arms around me. "Alice, you need to let go of me."

"Why?"

"Because, you can't cling on to me like this, but push me away other times." Here I am ridiculing her for something I'm guilty of, but fuck, I don't know how to express my fucking feelings. I never have when it comes to her. It's never simple. **Never**. We both do it on purpose, so we don't get hurt, and we're both fools for it. It's simple, yet it's so goddamn difficult, and we make it difficult.

She's let go of me by now, awkward and owl eyed.

"Come on, let's find the others." We end up sleeping in the truck for the night so we can spend tomorrow here, too. I sit in the back with Alice this time, but she's as far against the door as she can be. I'm fucking cold, so I know the others have to be. "Turn the truck on for a bit and use the heater."

Alice crawls up on the middle console and presses her hands to one of the vents.

My eyes naturally gravitate towards her ass but it does nothing for me. I drag my hand across the foggy window and slowly start to cock my head. "The fuck." I open the door, grabbing Lucille. "Oh fuck." I step back into the truck and watch seven people be eaten by undead. "Shit. Shit! Kill the truck," I shout at Dwight, closing the door.

"What is it?"

"It's a fucking herd, stop moving. Just sit still. They're feeding on those people."

Alice plops down in the seat with Dwight and freezes.

I'm hoping the foggy windows will also help camouflage us.

Alice stares over her shoulder at me.

I know that look because it's the same one I have.

She's in the seat with Dwight when she wants to be with me.

I stretch my hand out as her cold fingers wrap around mine. This is unlike anything I have ever seen in my life. It rocks the truck as they pass by us. Back in the camper, there was hope. This? This is bad. I can't fucking believe how many goddamn undead there are. Fuck. This is such a poor decision. We should have left when I saw the herd. Have I just unknowingly killed us? I squeeze her hand tighter. She should be with me. The four of us stay completely still for three agonizing hours.

As the herd starts to thin, Alice moves from the front seat to my lap.

I press my hands against her ears to silence the sounds of the undead. They're feeding on something. I'm not about to look.

"We should get the fuck out of here," Dwight suggests.

It's far from over. Gun shots are fired. We hear several voices crying out for the people that died. Eventually, the cries stop, too. Undead have come back to claim the rest of the group. I take my hands from her ears and squeeze her in my arms a little tighter than I should. Undead are just a part of life, something we deal with, but a herd? You **never** get used to one of those. A small group is manageable. A herd, it's completely hopeless. The sun is starting to rise, giving us a better view of what happened last night. What's left of the group is mostly bloody concrete and random body parts. It's morbid, but we dig through their things and load what we can in the truck. Several bags and a few gallons of water. "Dwight, stay with the truck while we're in Safeway." I don't know if more of that group is lingering somewhere. That and I really don't want to watch Dwight puke all over another check stand again.

Alice looks queasy inside.

This place is pretty bad. I take my bandana out of my pocket, putting it around her face and tying it.

"Thank you." It's genuine, and she's grateful for the simple gesture.

She looks kind of cute like this. It makes me laugh, but my desire for her fizzles as soon as it comes on. I sigh and move my eyes down to the floor as I'm filled with doubt and uncertainty again. When I snap out of it, she's long gone by now with Connor searching the store. I hate this so fucking much.

...

"Split up, see what you can find in this shopping complex. Two hours, then we need to get back while we still have daylight," I instruct them, but grip Alice's arm when she tries to go off on her own. "Not you. Walk."

She takes a detour into the laundry mat.

Winter clothes will be good, if anything was left behind. Someone was drying a load of jeans. I stack them on one of the push carts, and take two bottles of laundry soap. "What are you doing?"

"Retrieving the lint." Alice opens one of the bags from Safeway and starts to collect them from all the traps.

"What the fuck for?"

"It's highly flammable."

Goddamn, I never would have thought of something like that. She's such a good asset to us. Here was someone that could have stayed in bed, feeling sorry for herself, but she's out here in the freezing temperatures for people she doesn't owe a goddamn thing to. I hold the bag open so she can collect the lint faster. It's a few bags full. I load everything from the laundry mat on the truck before we go to the pharmacy.

Alice starts to step down on the concrete, but lets out a whine, looking for another way around.

I pick her up, and set her down once we're inside the pharmacy.

"Thank you."

"What's your deal with cracks in the ground?"

"I dislike them."

"Obviously."

"It's displeasing to me to step on them. The integrity has been compromised and it makes me nervous."

Maybe this stems from when she fell through the floor in the Library. I guess it doesn't really fucking matter. I'm not sure if she overlooked the section or if she hasn't seen it yet, but there's a bunch of organic tea sitting on a shelf. In the middle sits a tea kettle, like the one I smashed. I quietly take it from the shelf and slip it into her bag.

"Here is the medication for Sherry."

"You remember that?"

"It was a distinct name. May I have these?" She shows me a few pens sitting by the cash register.

"Yeah, of course."

She picks out the one that doesn't match and leaves it on the counter, taking the rest to her bag.

Shit, I didn't expect her to get into her bag while we were still out here. I hear the clanking of the glass against something else and let out a sigh. Fuck.

"Are you going to destroy this one, too? If so, I'll save you the effort."

"Fuck you, you arrogant dick," I laugh.

"You're a child." Then she breaks character. "I appreciate the gesture," she smiles, putting the tea kettle back in her bag.

It has to be right at this moment, **right** as we might have found some normality, that we're interrupted.

"Is everyone dead?" the unfamiliar man asks.

I move Alice behind me, gripping Lucille tight. "Who the fuck are you?"

"What? Oh, wait, I don't recognize you." He backs up into the door.

"Stop right there," I demand.

He's petrified.

There's no way this little runt is going to harm us, but that doesn't mean he's not dangerous. Could be some kind of look out.

"Did you see anyone? We arrived late last night."

"Your group was devoured by the undead," Alice tells him.

"Oh." He sighs heavily, folding his arms. "I advised them not to come this way," he mumbles.

Is this kid fucking serious? He's wearing a goddamn bow tie and vest. Probably that fucking trendy bullshit I used to see come into the bars every now and then. His black hair is long on top and slicked to the side, and what the fuck is in his ears? Black pieces of plastic? Stupid. Alice seems impressed, but I think it's only by his choice of words as the two exchange conversation about directions. "What's your name?"

"My name?"

"Yes, you fucking have one, don't you?"

"Cosworth."

I'm not going to fucking remember that one.

He looks at the McLean police patch on Alice's arm. "Do you know the Murphy's?"

She shakes her head no.

"You're an Officer here and you don't know one of the-"

"She just fucking told you no," I snap. I'm not going to let this punk kid talk to her with some sense of entitlement.

"Just seems odd to me is all. Sorry I brought it up," he murmurs. "Are you going to kill me? I know what people are capable of."

Jesus Christ, now he's back to being pathetic. "What was your job with your old group?"

"A little of this and that. I like chemistry. Usually, I was given the task of making sure our water was clean to drink."

I fold my arms.

Alice pulls them down, then takes a step forward. "If you had the materials and proper tools, could you convert oil to fuel?"

"You're talking about biodiesel?"

Now he's got my attention.

"Yes. Biodiesel."

He unzips his bag, pulling out several dirty sheets of paper. "I haven't managed to perfect it, and even if I do, I'm uncertain how it works in vehicles."

"You let us handle that shit."

Cosworth jerks the papers back like I'm going to take them from him.

"He means you may come with us," Alice interprets.

"Oh." He still seems confused.

"I'm Alice. This is our leader, Negan."

"Figures. Already on your shit list," he frowns.

"You fucking figure out that biodiesel shit and you're my new best friend."

...

"Sir?"

"Alice, you don't have to call me Sir."

"I wanted to be respectful in front of the others."

"Look around. It's just us."

She looks around the cafeteria suspiciously, then has a seat. "Back in McLean, when Cosworth made the comment about knowing the Murphy's. Thank you for stepping in."

"I'm not going to let anyone disrespect you."

Alice's eyes overflow with tears. "I want so desperately for things to go back to the way they were. Before you confided in me about Lucille, and pushed me away."

I set my hand on her thigh. Goddamn, it chokes me up as I drop my head, searching for the words. Yes, I'd gladly give my life for her, but I don't feel anything for her, and it's because she is lying to me about Vic. I want to talk to her, we **need** to talk about it in order to move past this and get back to the way things were, but as long as she keeps denying it, there's nothing to say. "I can't give you that." The longer she keeps her distance, the more anger I feel inside about this.

"If you change your mind-"

"I won't."

She leaves without another word.

I want to chase after her, and I do, finding myself outside her door. I can hear her cries over it. "I'm sorry," I mouth.

* * *

I press my hands to the shower wall and sigh. Fuck. I feel like my dick is just for show. Nothing, absolutely nothing. One of my favorite things to jerk off to is the day Alice cleaned me up after Lucille in the parlor, but even that isn't doing it. Just thinking about Alice sexually disgusts me. I keep flashing back to him groping her right in front of me. I throw up last night's dinner. More or less bile. Great. So much for my shower. Fuck.

"Baby, are you alright?" Nicole asks, coming in the bathroom.

I shut off the water and grab my towel, sitting on the ledge of the tub.

"I know it doesn't seem like it, but you won't feel like this forever." She takes my towel and starts to dry my hair.

"Nicole, what the fuck is Alice going through right now if I'm this fucked up?"

"I didn't want to say anything to you, mostly because she asked me not to, but I didn't want to upset you more than you already are."

"What is it?" Worry fills my face when she's silent. "Tell me. Right now."

"Alice came to me about what happened. Asked that I, well, take a look at her. She's alright physically."

"I don't understand, why would that upset me more? That's the best fucking news I've heard in a while."

"Because, think about it, Baby. She told you Vic didn't rape her."

"She wouldn't have had you do the exam if he didn't touch her... fuck. Fuck! Goddammit!" I knew this. I fucking knew this, why am I surprised? "Why won't she talk to me about it? That's all I want, Nicole. I want to fucking move past all this, yet she denies he did anything to her."

"Aside from this, what is your most painful memory?"

"Losing my mom."

"If I asked you to describe in detail how it happened, what you were thinking, how you felt, could you?"

"No. No goddamn way."

"Why?"

"Why do you think? It'd be like reliving it all over agai- oh my God. Of course. That's why she doesn't want to talk about it."

"Give it time." Nicole gives me a kiss on the forehead, leaving so I can get dressed. As she leaves, she locks the door behind her. No doubt to keep Rachel out, but it gives me an idea.

...

I sit down at the table next to Alice.

She wipes her tears away and goes back to eating.

I set a key down in front of her. "I traded out your door knob for the one on the parlor doors. Thought you might feel safer having a door that locked."

She looks up from her food at me. .

I look away from her because it still makes me uncomfortable. "Take a day off. Monday, I want to meet with everyone in the morning, go over the next town we'll scavenge."

"Did you have any in mind?"

"No, but I figured you might."

She nods her head.

Fuck, I hate this. Talking to each other this unemotional. It's fucking ridiculous. "What can I do for you, Alice?"

"You may leave."

I purse my lips and nod my head, standing up. I start to say something, but it's pointless. Just like every-fucking-thing else.

Rachel sits up off the lounge when I get back to the parlor. "Wanna mess around? Anything you want."

I slam my bedroom door shut. Jesus, I gotta think of something to do to occupy my mind.

...

I can tell Marshall is behind me before he even speaks. That godawful fucking plume of cigarette smoke is usually not too far behind him.

"Building a guard tower?"

"Something like that."

"Tanks are filled."

"Why don't you really tell me why you're here?"

"Look, I'm not here to get in your business. Saw you welding, figured I might could learn a few things."

I flip my hood upward and look over my shoulder. "Really?"

"Yes, Sir. Unless you want me to leave."

I learn more about Marshall that day, than the entire time I've known him. His first wife left him with their unborn child. He never saw them again. His second wife Jennifer was killed in a drunk driving accident while he was stationed over in Afghanistan. Goddamn, he loved her, too. He said he was afraid of how close he was becoming with Olivia because he didn't know if he could ever love someone like he did Jennifer. "Take that shit one day at a time. Why does it matter if it's been two days or two years?" I tell him about Lucille and I think it upset him more than it did me to talk about it which makes me realize that there is something to gain from talking about shit. Yeah, it needed to be on my terms, but it fucking helped. Mostly because when Alice is ready to talk, we'll become stronger because of it.

"Looks pretty good," Marshall comments about the guard tower we've built. He turns to face me, sticking his hand out.

I've always admired Marshall. His loyalty, and honor. I'm goddamn grateful to have him on my side.

"Let's go eat."

There's a good vibe today in the cafeteria. Maybe it's arrogant to think it, but I do believe my mood plays a big part in their attitudes. I'm actually looking forward to my food. I eat alone, and dismiss anyone that tries to talk with me. At least I can finally stomach something again.

* * *

"Sherry."

"Yes?"

"I think we should do something to help keep the moral strong."

"Like a party?"

"Do you think that's what we should do? Would people like that?"

"Uh, yeah, most people enjoy things like parties."

"Fuck you, Sherry, you know what I fucking mean."

"I've got just the thing." When she comes back, she and Dwight are each carrying a box. "I took Vic's liquor every chance I could. I'd say we have enough for a good time."

If you ask me, it's a waste of time. Time that could be spent finding supplies, or building up weak spots.

"Come on," Sherry teases, grabbing me by the cheeks and shaking my head. "Stop being grumpy."

"I'm in a great fucking mood."

"Here," she hands me a cup. "Now go play poker with the boys."

I don't want to do that either, chugging the glass, and going to find Carson. "Do you have inventory?"

"Oh, yes, here." He surprisingly hands me a few pages.

I have a seat at one of the vacant tables. I didn't realize we found this much shit. Alice startles me when I see her out of the corner of my eye. "Are you fucking drinking?"

"I accepted it to seem cordial."

"The cordial thing would be to drink the damn thing."

She sighs, then tosses the drink back.

"That's not how you drink. That's how you end up passing the fuck out."

"What's the difference," she murmurs, going to get another one.

Fuck. She is so fucking depressed it's horrible, and, yes, I can tell the difference between her just being Alice verses her empty stare. "Two drinks this time?"

"Well, I do have two hands."

It makes me laugh as I pull out the chair next to me. My laugh quickly fades when the music is turned on. God, I fucking hate music.

Alice puts one cup inside the other and pushes them to the side. "I don't feel any different."

Goddamn, she's going to be trashed. "You will, those three drinks should have lasted you most of the night."

"Did you illustrate that picture you had of me?"

"No, Amber did."

"How did you acquire it?"

"She gave it to me."

"Why did she give it to you?"

"Think about it, Alice. You're a smart girl."

"Why keep something like that when you don't even want to look at me?"

My eyes sink. "Because-"

"Forget it. I'm going to get another drink." She doesn't want another drink, but takes two shots before grabbing another cup.

Fuck this, I refuse to watch this shit.

...

I slouch in my chair, finishing off my drink. The parlor doors push open and I think it's Nicole, but it's Alice. "Are you okay?" I ask, sitting up straight.

Alice stumbles over without a single word and crawls on my lap.

"Alice?"

Nothing. Just her shallow breathing as she lays against my chest going to sleep.

This is all I wanted all those nights I stayed awake thinking of her, and the fact she came to me, goddamn, I'm so fucking happy. I wrap my arms around her as if she'll wake up and change her mind at any moment. It's not that I don't want to look at her. Surely she can't possibly think that. I know I've been cold and distant, but we both have, and it's gotta fucking stop. We have to pull together in this.

Rachel stumbles in drunk so I pretend to be asleep so I don't have to talk to her. "Bullshit," Rachel whispers.

Yeah, I guess it is fucking shitty for her, but I can't help the way I feel about Alice, nor should I have to fucking justify it. Why does everyone have to bust my fucking balls so motherfucking hard? Instead, I'm judged and questioned over it. Or I'm punished for it because some fucking lunatic wants to get even. Everything was fine until he came along and ruined it! I've fantasized about the moment I'd look up and see her tiny fingers wrapped around the bars, but instead I get some front row seat to something I didn't think another human being would be capable of. I let this happen to Alice by being vulnerable like this, and I can't even fucking talk to her about it. I open my eyes, sick of being chastised for something I have wanted so long, and take Alice over to Sherry's old bed.

"Negan?" Rachel's voice trembles.

Fuck her. I don't care if it hurts her. She shouldn't even be here, but she guilt trips me into letting her stay. She's lucky for Nicole, otherwise I would have left her at that fucking gas station. Better it happen to Alice than one of them? That's what's **bullshit**. Jealous or not, what a cruel thing to wish on someone, and she said it without a single hesitation. I try and push these thoughts from my mind and focus on Alice. Focus on the fact this woman came to me. I know she's warm as I put her on the side closest to the fireplace. Most importantly, I know she's safe. I ease her boots off, and carefully pull off her tie.

"You think you're going to make me jealous by sleeping with her? I don't give a fuck."

I whip my head around. "Then fucking leave, Rachel!"

"This is my home, too," she cries.

"No, it's not. This is your pathetic attempt to try and salvage whatever you think we had."

"I know what we had was love!"

"You're a fool, and I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want, but I have no desire to go back to the way things were, and the longer you stay, the more resentment I have for you. Let me tell you something. If you push Alice away because of this, you're **gone**. Not from this room, from Sanctuary."

"You'll push Alice away yourself because of what a selfish piece of shit you are. You can't even take her to your bed, you know why? Whatever this is between you two, it's not real. You don't feel anything for women but lust. There will come a day when you realize what a mistake you've made, and **that** is the reason I'm here. I want to watch you beg me to go back to the way things were."

"You're even more pathetic than I thought." I pull Alice closer, covering her up with the blanket.

Rachel slams the bathroom door shut.

Alice opens her eyes confused.

"You're safe, go back to sleep." I carefully pull the ribbon from her hair, and stuff it in her vest pocket.

She clutches my wrist. "Are you leaving?"

"After you're asleep I will."

"I apologize for the way I acted in the cafeteria."

"Don't."

"I miss the way things were, Negan."

"Me, too, Alice. Me, too." I curl my fingers around hers. "Tell me what Vic did to you. Say it so we can move past this."

"I already told you," she says faintly, closing her eyes.

"Don't shut me out. Please don't fucking lie to me." I give her a slight nudge, then let out a deep breath when she doesn't respond.

* * *

Someone sits beside me and rubs my back. I can tell it's Joanna because of her perfume.

"What's wrong?"

I shake my head.

"Talk to me."

I sit up, embarrassed, putting myself back into my pants.

"Oh," she frowns. "You want me to leave so you can finish?"

"It doesn't matter. I can't get it up. You of all people know how bad I want Alice, but I'm not sexually attracted to her, and I don't understand it. She is, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, but she could walk up to me right now and I wouldn't put a finger on her."

"I know that Vic raped her, but, it happened to you, too, Negan."

I lower my head and choke back tears.

"I also think that you feel at fault for it happening."

"How can I not? He fucking asked me if the view was alright for fuck's sake. That sick fuck. Alice is in complete fucking denial about this whole goddamn thing. She says he never touched her, and I wish I could fucking believe that, but I watched him do it. How can we heal if she won't even tell me the fucking truth, Joanna?"

"Connor and I are going through the same thing right now with Vic."

I push my eye brows together and look at her. "No," I whine.

"I was unconscious for it."

I pull her in my arms. This isn't fucking happening.

"I'm scared if I tell Connor the truth, it will hurt him, but I know he knows because he won't touch me, either. I guess hearing you say this stuff about Alice makes me realize, I have to tell him."

"I'm so fucking sorry I wasn't there."

"You forget all the times you were there. I remember after my shifts, you used to walk me to the bus. Sometimes you'd show up just to make sure I got to the bus safe."

"I saw the way those fucks looked at you."

"I used to have the biggest crush on you," she giggles.

"Used to, huh? What changed?"

"The night Alice was sick. I saw the way you looked at her. I knew I didn't stand a chance. No one did, and no one ever will." Joanna kisses me on the cheek.

"What can I do for you?"

"Walk me back to my room? I want that nostalgic feeling one more time."

"Here then." I put my coat around her, like all the other times.

She wraps her arms around mine.

It wasn't much of a walk, but it is nice. Simpler times, I suppose.

"I love you. I always will. Let me know if I can do anything for you or Alice."

"I will."

"You think Connor will be mad?"

"No. He threatened me actually at the thought of me taking you girls back. Connor's completely different around you. There's nothing you could do or say to change how he feels about you."

"Sounds like you're talking about yourself and the way you feel about Alice."

"Guess I sorta am."

"Goodnight, Negan."

"Goodnight, Bunny."

"Ugh, don't remind me," she laughs, handing my jacket back. "Go see her. It might not seem like it, but she needs you."

I nod and stay put for a few minutes. The more time that passes, the more I'm angered by this entire fucking thing. I hate that Alice is so goddamn secretive about everything.

"You gonna move or what?" Marshall asks.

I snap out of it and press my back to the wall so he can get by with Olivia. "She okay?"

"She fell asleep in the truck."

I get his door for him. "Alice say anything while you guys were out?"

Marshall puts Olivia in his bed and steps back on the catwalk, closing his door. "Between us, I caught her crying. We had split up and she insisted on going alone. I didn't have a good feeling, so I followed her. Watching her cry was pretty fucking hard. Especially because she's so void of emotion all the time, but more so because some piece of shit had it out for you."

"It's my fault he raped her, Marshall. You even fucking said it yourself he was dangerous that day in Alexandria."

"Well, then, by that logic, it's my fault she was raped, too. You went to kill him and I stopped you."

"You saved her."

"No, I didn't do anything. I'm sorry, Sir."

"Marshall, stop. I won't have you blame yourself for this shit."

"I have that journal of hers you gave me."

I don't fucking want that thing, but he comes back with it before I can say anything. As much as I want to see Alice, I go back to my room, pouring myself a large glass of whisky. I pace up and down by the foot of my bed before saying fuck it and having a seat with the journal.

_January 4 2009_

_Surgery is scheduled for 1:30. The tests came back worse than I had anticipated. I feel indifferent about it. Charli is upset, throwing a juvenile tantrum. She tells me it's not fair that I have to have this done. I don't understand where this extreme emotion comes from, though I am appreciative of her concern. Charli, if something happens to me, and you're reading this, I love you. I know I never told you that, and I apologize for being so impassive. The truth is, you're the only person I've ever loved._

I take a sip from my glass and flip the page. I wonder what kind of surgery she had? A picture falls from the journal. I lean over to get it and flip it around. Alice is clutching a book. Her hair is in a loose braid. It's odd to see her in white, some kind of knit sweater. Goddamn, she's beautiful. Seeing her like this makes me feel optimistic about my feelings for her, but it's still too soon.

_February 11 2009_

_What an extraordinary day! I was able to leave the house for the first time since my surgery and visit Morgan Library. It's truly the most remarkable place I have ever seen. I wish Charli shared my passion for literature, but she'd rather be shopping. I suppose it means my time here has come to an end._

I close the book, taking another look at the picture as I sink back in my chair. I set the picture on the arm and unzip my pants, pulling myself out. After three minutes of trying to get it up, I give the fuck up and go take a shower. I don't even feel like a man anymore.

* * *

I slept like shit. I keep having the same dream every night where I find two of those fucking meat puppets on Alice. By the time I make it to her, they've consumed most of her chest cavity. I push my oatmeal around with my spoon. She catches my eye. "Morning," I stammer, sitting up straight.

She briefly acknowledges me, but it's empty. Just like those goddamn eyes.

Fuck, I might as well be invisible. I shove my food to the side and head to the courtyard to wait for everyone else. My plan is to distance myself again from her today. I'll send Marshall, Dwight, and her to scavenge, while Seth, Tara, and I work on the fence. I hate working on it. My shoulders are always sore after it, and the goddamn day drags on forever. I keep us out here a little longer than I should, but I want to make sure Dwight's group gets back safe. I call it a day when I see the truck pull up to the gates. Thank god this is fucking over with. I'm practically dragging Lucille behind me up the stairs.

Sherry is waiting on one of the lounges. "I made you something to eat."

"Really?" I perk up, setting Lucille on the end table.

She takes her from me and goes in the restroom to wash her off.

"You don't have to do that shit."

"It's fine."

"Well, suit yourself," I mumble, practically inhaling my food, finishing just as she does with Lucille.

"I wanted to talk to you about my job responsibilities, which is nothing."

"Sherry, go lay down."

"No. Before this, I had purpose. Now I just feel like I'm waiting to die."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Don't say shit like that."

"I came here to do your laundry, but Rachel said she had already started it. Well, started is an understatement. It's still in the pile, in the bathroom."

"Cleaning up after me is hardly a sense of purpose."

"But it made me happy."

Honestly, it made me happy, too. Not that she was cleaning up after me, that someone was taking care of me. Guess I'm a 38 year old boy. "Rachel ain't skating by. I'm not happy about being blackmailed into letting her stay for one."

"She was pretty interested in helping Hannah with some of the children the other day."

"Rachel.. teaching?"

"I know, believe me, if I didn't see it myself, I'd think that, too."

"You're still not allowed in my room."

She perks up. "So, that's a yes?"

"If that's what you want, Sherry, but you gotta fucking deal with Rachel."

"Oh, feed me to the wolves."

"You asked for this." I've never seen someone so happy to do such mundane tasks. "Sherry, I know you only told Dwight because you felt like you had to, and I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. I should have told him years ago like you said. I was just afraid."

"When Tara almost died, back at that gas station, it made it clear to me why you kept it from him." I give Sherry a hug, and not just some ass out hug.

She laughs at first, but then, starts to cry.

"Stop, or you can't clean up after me." What a weird thing to threaten someone with, but her sobs turn to laughter again.

"Guess I better start, I have quite a bit to do."

There's more truth to that than she knows. Rachel hasn't done a goddamn thing but sit on her ass. I have Sherry cut my hair before she does anything, almost nodding off in the middle of it.

"Hold still."

I wrap my arms around her. "I missed this. Alice. You. The girls."

She runs her hands through my hair. "I love it when you're pathetic."

"Fuck you, Sherry," we both say. I push her off me and flip on the shower.

She hugs me from behind. "I missed you, too."

* * *

I'll never take clean laundry for granted again. In fact, the entire bathroom is spotless. This turns out to be very beneficial. It gets Rachel out of the parlor, and for some reason that I still don't understand, it makes Sherry happy.

"Did you tell Alice she could bathe in here?"

"Yeah, why?"

Sherry hands me Alice's tie. "I found that this morning cleaning up."

I start to laugh as Sherry seems confused. "Give it to me, I'll take it to her." Alice left this in here on purpose. Probably to get at Rachel. It makes me feel good, until I realize it isn't done intentionally.

"I apologize, it won't happen again," Alice panics, taking her tie.

"Thought maybe you were trying to make Rachel jealous."

"What would be the point of that?"

Now I feel fucking stupid and leave before I embarrass myself any more. Just something else to pile on top of every-fucking-thing else.

* * *

"Alice," I call and take a sharp breath, sitting out of bed. "Fuck," I yell, rubbing my damp forehead. That dream is always so fucking real. I get out of bed and put on my pants, almost tripping. Shit, I'm still half asleep. I press my hand to the wall and give myself a second to wake up.

"Negan?" Nicole says outside my door.

I step into my boots and open my bedroom door. "What?" I ask, looking for my shirt and belt.

"Is everything alright? You were yelling."

"No," I snap, closing my bedroom door behind me and leaving the parlor.

"You're up early," Marshall says.

"Did you see Alice? She's not in her room."

He points at the double doors that lead outside and sets down a plate of food for Olivia.

I let out a long sigh and go after her.

...

I pull out my knife and stick it in the back of an undead's skull.

It startles her as she turns around.

"Goddammit, Alice! What if I hadn't followed you?"

"I'm uncertain."

I press my lips into a thin line and sheath my knife. "What are you doing out here?"

"The same thing I do every morning."

"Which is?"

"Looking for Charli," she mumbles like she's embarrassed. "Why are you rattled?"

"How can you possibly tell that?"

"Your pants are half way stuck in your boots which tells me you were in a hurry to get dressed."

"Yeah, so maybe I had a bad fucking dream okay?" I grunt, folding my arms.

She turns and faces me. "I'm okay."

"Don't fucking patronize me." I thought she was going back to Sanctuary, but it's the opposite direction. "Where are you going?"

"Looking for Charli," she shouts back.

I grit my teeth. "Fuck!"

"I don't need an escort!"

"You obviously do."

"You'll just slow me down."

"Is that fucking so?" I grab her by the wrist and drag her by it. "Keep up, Alice," I yell at her.

"Stop! You're going the wrong way!"

"Come on!"

"No, Negan! Sto-"

"Oh, fuck," I scream, going over the edge of the cliff. I quickly grip the ledge and clutch her wrist tight before she falls to the ground.

She lets out a blood curdling scream.

I've dislocated her shoulder catching her. "Oh, fuck, Alice, I didn't mean to!"

"Let go of my arm, please," she sobs.

"No, are you fucking crazy?"

"You're hurting me!"

"If I let- fuck!" The ledge breaks away and we both fall to the bottom.

...

I groan, grabbing the side of my bloody head. Jesus Christ, how long have I been unconscious? "Alice?" I push myself up into a sitting position. My eyes widen. Two undead are beside Alice hunched over. "Oh, God, no, fuck," I scream, getting to my feet and running to her. I kick one of the undead, grabbing the other by the back of its head. Its hair peels from its skull as I fling it to the side and get my knife, finishing it off. The other undead latches onto me, but I push its head against the tree several times until the head is mangled. I get to my knees, putting my shaky hands on her. This was exactly like my dreams. She'd sit up and her blue eyes would look back at me only to be a murky color. I let out the deepest sigh of relief when I realize, this stupid vest, that I've always despised, saved her life. The undead weren't able to bite through it. "Alice!" I shake her, then pick her up. I can't help but feel a sense of deja vu only this time when I'm bringing her inside Sanctuary I don't have to tell her to act unconscious. "Harlan!" He's not that concerned when I tell him what happened which calms me down.

"She'll be fine. Let me set her shoulder."

...

"You're awake! Fucking about tim- "

Alice slaps me across the face.

"Ow, fuck," I frown, rubbing my cheek.

"You could have gotten us both killed!"

"I could have? Are you fucking serious right now?"

Alice inspects the couch, then gives me a confused look. "Where… where am I?"

"My room."

She loses her scowl. "Your room?"

"Did I stutter?"

"I thought you didn't allow the girls in your room?"

"You're not them."

"I don't know what to say." Her eyes study several things in my room. "That's the biggest bed I've ever seen."

"Yeah, and would you fucking believe my feet still hang off the end?"

She lets out a laugh. "It's so warm in here. Is it always like this?"

I give her a slow nod. It's actually too fucking stuffy in here.

Her eyes glaze over. It wasn't her normal blank look. She seemed overwhelmed to be here with these amenities.

I rub the back of my neck and have a seat next to her. "I keep having these dreams that you die. Undead get to you before I can. I thought for sure when I woke up in the river you were dead. The way they were feeding on you. It was exactly like my dreams. What if that was it, Alice?"

"It wasn't."

I lower my eyes.

Her fingers curl around mine.

I clench my hand a little tighter around hers. "How's your shoulder?"

"Sore."

My eyes lock with hers. "I didn't mean to dislocate it. I was only trying to catch you."

Her eyes shift again towards the bed. "It's alright."

I let go of her hand and stand up, walking towards my armoire. Inside, I pull out one of my white shirts. "Why don't you get comfortable?" I say, setting it on her lap.

She inspects the shirt, then gets up.

"Where are you going?"

"To shower and get this mud out of my hair."

"That ain't a good idea."

"Please."

"Let me at least get Sherry to help you."

"No!"

"You shouldn't lift your arm up."

"I have another arm."

"Fine, ignore my fucking concern." Like everything else.

...

"Negan?"

I open my bedroom door and look down at Nicole.

"Alice, she's, uh."

I step into the parlor, closing my door and going to the bathroom. "Are you dressed?" I can hear her crying softly. "I'm coming in."

She's sitting on her knees on the floor.

I have a seat on the bathtub ledge in front of her. "I told you."

"I haven't tried."

"What are you doing in here then?"

"I didn't want you to see me cry."

"So it's more than just sore?"

She nods.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop. That's why I came in here. Besides, it was an accident."

"What about your shower?"

"Well, and that, too."

"Come sit next to me. I'll wash your hair for you."

Her eyes shoot upward.

"Come here before I change my mind and don't fucking tell a soul about this." Honestly, it's the least I can do.

She pulls the rubber band from her hair, then sits next to me, while unzipping her vest.

"Tilt your head back."

She closes her eyes and does as she's told.

"I've never done this shit before, so don't bitch if I get soap in your fucking eye."

"You didn't give your siblings a bath?"

"Only child. Keep your eyes fucking closed."

She curls her fingers around the ledge of the bathtub and squeezes her eyes tight. "Do you think it's foolish to keep searching for Charli?"

I let go of the shower head and grab some shampoo. "I think it's foolish to go alone."

"It's unfair to burden someone else with that."

I rinse the soap from her hair, then turn off the water. "What's unfair is not giving someone else the chance to carry that burden with you." I stand up and dry my hands. "Do you want me to get Nicole?"

She shakes her head no.

I leave abruptly because it's just fucking like her not to say a goddamn thing when I respond with anything that might possibly insinuate I have feelings for her.

...

Alice softly shuts my door.

I look her up and down and it turns my stomach because the shirt is too thin and I can see the outline of her tits. I never thought the sight of her like this would disgust me, but it's repulsive. I know she's hiding something from me. "You can take my bed." I say, looking away from her.

"Thank you."

The image of Vic unbuttoning her shirt as she screams she doesn't want this forces its way into my mind. I take in a sharp breath.

"Are you going to lay down with me?"

"No."

"Goodnight."

I stand up and grab my glass from the nightstand. "Yeah." I murmur, walking over to the fireplace. I take a drink, then rest my arms on the mantle, dropping my head. Why do I feel like this? I take another drink, then go back for the rest of the bottle. His fucking hands touching her skin. His mouth on places it had no right to be. His, oh, shit. I take a large drink from the bottle then reach back and throw it across the room. "Goddammit," I scream, flipping over my nightstand, then sink to my knees.

Alice gets out of bed and kneels beside me.

"Don't touch me," I snap, pushing her away.

"I don't understand."

I bring my eyes up to hers. "The shirt you're wearing, I can see everything, yet there's not a part of me that's excited about it. In fact, it turns my stomach to see you so vulnerable."

She looks down and covers her chest.

"Every time I look at you, I see him. His hands touching you. You looking back at me, begging for me to help you and I can't do a fucking thing about it. I know he raped you, Alice. You're just too good of a person to tell me the truth. You knew how bad it would fucking hurt me or maybe you just don't want to believe he did. Yet, what kind of a person does that make me? Punishing you for what he did. It's not your fault."

"I understand how you feel. What man would ever want to touch me after what all has happened?"

I turn my head, looking at her. It isn't like that at all. I grab her cheek, tilting her head up. "Tell me what he did to you."

"I told you. Nothing happened."

I place my other hand on her cheek.

She shakes her head side to side.

"I need to hear it, Alice, and I think you need to say it."

"No, stop pressing the issue," she cries.

"Please," I beg, becoming choked up. "What did he do to you, Alice?"

She bites her lip as she tries to gather her composure, but it's too much.

"This is the only way we're going to heal, Numbers."

"He raped me," she sobs.

I pull her into my arms as she weeps. Tears fall down my cheeks. I feel like I'm dying. My fucking body is numb. I knew it, yet hearing her admit it means it's fucking real. Goddammit! I try to wipe my silent tears away, but it doesn't stop them. I look down at Lucille laying on the floor from when I knocked over my nightstand and set my hand on her. My girls had suffered because of me. What kind of a man doesn't protect the women he cares most for? "I'm so fucking sorry," I tell them. "Alice, I'm so fucking sorry."


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

_The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. – Stephen King_

* * *

"Am I some slut you're ashamed of? Do I have to sneak in the side window and shit? Open the fucking gate!"

"Calm down, Negan, I'm right here," Rick grumbles.

I really had no intention of meeting with Rick, but agree to it to keep the peace for my men. Hard to believe it's been a month since we last were here.

Marshall is perched several feet away in one of the buildings, as is Seth with their sights on Alice and me.

I'm not too happy she's with me because I don't trust this prick, but she insisted.

"Alice," Carl shouts, running out of the gate.

She takes him to the side while I have a word with Rick.

"Didn't think you'd show. Do you want to-"

"I ain't here to jerk each other off, which frankly, is what this whole thing is. Let's get this shit over with."

"We had a system in place with Dwight before Vic, and I'd like to go back to that. Everyone pulls together and splits-"

"We will make our **own** way."

Rick lets out a deep sigh, watching Carl for a few minutes. "Maybe the less you and I can interact, the better."

"I'm not opposed to a trade one day a month on bulk items scavenged. Also, a lot of my men have skills that I think could benefit the upkeep of the Safe-Zone. In return, I'd like a weekly delivery of bread. Olivia will meet whomever you send to **our** gates."

"I can arrange that."

"We're going to attempt to rebuild our truck engines and start using biodiesel. If we perfect that, I will be willing to give you biodiesel in exchange for some of the supplies you find."

"That's a generous offer, I can agree to that. I have a few things for your trouble to come out this way." Rick cautiously hands me a backpack.

Inside are seeds, four loaves of bread, fresh fruit, and several assortments of medications. "I didn't expect this."

"I didn't expect to hand that over, because I was certain you wouldn't show. One last thing, I'd like for you to consider having Alice sit down with Eugene. I think the two of them are on a level we can all agree is much **different** than ours."

I let out a breathed laugh. "We just call that Alice. Didn't realize there was someone else like her."

We both turn our attention to this god-awful noise as one of the steel supports on their wall gives, bringing a panel of it down. Well, that's my cue to leave. "Alice," I call, walking back towards my motorcycle. I can feel her eyes burning back at me. Fuck, fine. I motion at the buildings and signal Marshall and Seth to help us fix this fucking wall. The things I fucking do for this woman.

Rick watches them come up the road. "Didn't trust me?"

"You expect me to believe Andrea isn't around here?"

Andrea reveals her position. "Thought I'd be forever known as the sniper bitch."

"Enough," Rick intervenes.

"Aww, we were just about to get along," I smirk.

"Idiot," she murmurs, slinging her rifle over her shoulder as she starts to inspect the fallen wall.

"He's notably intelligent," Alice corrects her.

Really? She thinks that? Fuck yeah.

"Andrea, inside, please. We can handle this."

Andrea isn't happy, but much like I'm catering to Alice, she bites her tongue for him.

Alice and Carl keep watch.

"Can I try?"

"Can you?"

"May I?" Carl rolls his eye.

She gives him one of her knives and shows him how to throw it as they practice on one of the trees.

"Is it hard to hit the roamers with them?"

"Immensely difficult."

He starts to laugh and it makes me laugh, too.

It doesn't take us long to get the wall back up and reinforce it. It's just in time because the snow is starting to fall again. Hopefully, this isn't another blizzard, but I know we're well overdue for one.

"Thank you," Rick tells us.

I don't acknowledge it because I only did it for Alice. "Put my gloves on," I tell her, as we prepare to head back. "Marshall, follow behind us."

"Yes, Sir."

I hate the look that Carl gives Alice. Like he'll never see her again. Maybe he doesn't trust me to keep her safe. Not that I blame him after everything with Vic.

"Here," Alice starts, giving Carl one of her knives, "you may use this to practice."

"I don't want to take your knives."

"Knife. Singular."

He laughs again and gives her a hug.

To my surprise, he tells me goodbye, too. I guess I got more out of this shit-show than I had expected. The closer we get home, the harder the snow falls. It's almost damn near impossible to tell where I'm at. If it hadn't of been for Alice, I don't think we would have made it home. "You okay?" I ask her, before she closes her bedroom door.

"I'm cold." She returns my gloves to me.

"You can always stay in the parlor." The door slams in my face as I shove it back open. "Alice, I didn't mean it like that."

"Do you honestly believe I could wake up to you having intercourse with one of them?"

This is exactly what I don't want. Her thinking that because Rachel and Nicole are there, that I'm back to the old way of doing things.

"Goodnight." She quickly shuts the door.

"Alice, open the goddamn door, I want to talk to you." I press my hands to the cold metal, listening to her cry. Fuck.

* * *

We're snowed in, and it's not showing any sign of letting up. "Connor, get those snow chains on the tires, and general maintenance on the truck. See me when you're done. I want to be ready to go as soon as it lets up. Dwight, Seth, go with Mark and make sure the piping is insulated. He also said there were several leaks that need to be fixed. Marshall, come with me."

...

"Negan?"

"Get out of here," I tell Rachel, flipping down my hood, and lighting the torch. "I mean it, you're going to get hurt," I shout, when she calls my name again.

"I wanted to talk to you abou-" She trips over the cable, knocking the torch from my hand.

"Fuck," I scream. "Fuck, shit! Oh, goddammit, mother fuck me." I take a knee, cradling my hand.

"Oh, shit! I'm so sorry!"

"Holy mother of fuck, my fucking hand!"

Marshall picks up the torch and turns it off. "Come on, get to the infirmary."

Nicole is waiting for me on the catwalk, comforting Rachel. "Have a seat, let me look at it."

"Get out of here," I growl at Rachel.

"I'm sorry," she snivels.

"Now," I raise my voice. "Fuck, that hurts." I pull my hand from Nicole.

"I know it hurts, but you have to let me look at it."

It doesn't even hurt as much as I'm making it out to be. I'm just fucking pissed that this happened because Rachel didn't fucking listen to me, and instead of working on what I need to, I'm in the infirmary. This is what I get for not wearing any fucking gloves like an idiot.

...

There's only one person who knocks that soft. "Come in," I tell Alice.

She closes my bedroom door, but stays close to it. "Are you in pain?" Her hair is down. It's never down. She's not wearing her vest, either.

"Kind of. I mean, it fucking burns." I show her the blisters. "Truthfully, my pride hurts more the way I reacted to some bullshit burn."

"May I have a seat?"

I move my papers from the couch and put them on my nightstand.

"Give me your hand."

"No!"

"Please trust me." She takes the wet rag from my hand, setting it on her lap.

The cool air stings as I tense up. "What's that?"

"An aloe vera leaf. I noticed the plant in Doctor Harlan's office." She runs her knife along it, stripping the outer casing, then applies this gunk.

It's instant relief, even better than this towel, or pain medication.

Her blue eyes slowly move up to mine. "I'm sorry this is unpleasant for you."

In this moment, it's like I forget how to breathe. She's tending to my burns just like she did all the times Lucille cut me.

Her hair falls in her face as she uses her wrist to scoot it out of the way.

It's so long now, down to the arch of her back. Goddamn. She is so goddamn **beautiful**. What I had once felt before is back and it fucking hits me like a train. I move her on my lap as she blushes when she feels my arousal on the back of her leg.

"After everything with Vic, I thought you weren't attracted to me anymore."

"I needed some time. What he did to you, I- I'm so fucking sorry, Alice."

She gives me a hug, resting her head on my shoulder. "I don't blame you."

I put my cheek on the top of her head. She **should** blame me.

_It is his fault. You remember that, Alice._ _**He** _ _did this to you._

I close my eyes and try to push those thoughts away.

She applies the rest of the aloe vera to my hand, then lies still.

I know it's still too fucking soon, but it doesn't stop my mouth. When she denies me, I actually don't mind. I'm not expecting to flip this woman over, nor was that my intention. It's just nice to feel like a man again, and I think she realizes that. We've pulled through this, and become stronger because of it. We're not healed by any means, but we're closer than ever.

* * *

"Hey, mind if I have a seat?"

I point at the empty chair in front of me as Amber has a seat with Tim.

"I was wondering if we could set some time apart to talk?"

"You don't want to talk now?"

"No, Tim is fussy. His stomach is upset, or something. I don't know, sometimes I don't feel like a very good mother." Amber puts some peanuts on the table for Tim to eat.

"Just give him some whisky, that'll shut him up."

"What? That's for teething, so I've heard, and I'm not giving him whisky," she laughs. "Anyway, is tomorrow okay?"

"Tomorrow we're leaving to scavenge. When I get back we can."

"Thanks Negan," she smiles. "Hey," she greets Alice.

"Good evening, Amber. Sir, Carson and the others are ready to start the meeting."

"Guess I better get going," Amber says, accidentally knocking the diaper bag over when she stands up. "Oh, shoot. Alice, will you hold him?"

"No thank you," Alice responds dryly.

Amber hands Tim over to Alice.

Her eyes widen in horror as she keeps the child extended outward as if he smells bad.

I cock my head watching her.

Tim starts to cry and it startles Alice. "He requires assistance." Alice holds him out even farther.

"Just give me a second."

Alice looks traumatized, almost as if she's about to cry.

I remember about her mother. "Amber, hurry up." I take him from Alice. Why is this kid all fucking sweaty and flush? Ugh, disgusting.

Tim stops crying and starts to choke.

Amber instantly takes him and sticks her finger in his mouth to get out the peanut, but there's nothing there. "I- I think he's choking!"

"Nicole, Harlan," my yell echoes through the cafeteria.

Alice holds Tim by the cheeks, cocking her head. "What did he ingest?"

"Peanuts. I- I don't know what to do," Amber cries.

Alice immediately starts for the steps.

"Negan, he can't breathe!"

"Fucking hit him on the back or some shit, I don't know what to fucking do either!"

By now several people have gathered around us, watching in horror.

"What's wrong?" Harlan asks.

"He's choking, please, Doctor Harlan," Amber shrills.

Harlan takes Tim, putting him on the table. "It's almost as if he's-"

"It's anaphylactic shock, a reaction to ingesting the peanuts." Alice grabs Tim by the thigh and jabs something into his leg. "Restrain the child," she instructs.

"Oh my god," Amber cries into Mark's chest.

Tim starts flailing around, so I help hold him. "Where did you get that thing?"

"Don't interrupt her, she's counting," Harlan tells me.

After ten seconds, Alice takes the thing from his leg and rubs the spot where she stuck him.

"He's going to be alright," Harlan smiles at Amber and Mark. "It's an allergic reaction. Alice got to him in time."

"Oh, god, thank you, Alice." Amber pulls her into a hug.

Mark touches her shoulder. "Thank you so much, Alice."

"Glad I was able to assist."

"Come on, I'll take him to the infirmary," Harlan says, picking up Tim as they follow.

Alice gets praises from the others and takes a step back against me when they start crowding around her. She grabs my hand, uncomfortable by the attention.

I smile when I look down to see her fingers clutching mine.

"Negan," she whimpers.

I snap out of it. "Saviors, that's enough. Everyone back to their jobs."

She takes a deep breath, releasing her grip. "T-Than- Thank you."

"That was fucking incredible. You saved Tim's life, Alice."

"It's fortunate I have allergies as well, and even more fortunate that the EpiPen was the children's dosage."

"That's not what I mean, and that's not why everyone is grateful. The urgency and the way you stayed calm, it helped not only Tim, but Amber and Mark."

"I cannot say I would be that timid watching someone's life in danger that I love. Meeting?"

I nod, walking with her. I think back to that time when I almost died from the fire escape and how hysterical she was. Does that mean she loves me? No, of course not, but it lets me know I actually mean something to her. That maybe I'm as important to her as she is to me. I have the dumbest grin on my face now.

"Supply run?" Dwight asks.

"Yes," I confirm. "Two teams and two trucks, but we need to decide where."

"Richmond?" Carson already has his map in his hand.

"Fredricksburg is also an option," I tell them.

"Charlottesville, too," Carson adds.

"Charlottesville is too populated," Alice speaks up.

"It is double that of Fredricksburg, yes, but significantly smaller than Richmond."

"Charlottesville," I make the decision.

Alice's brow furrows as her eyes sink.

"Dwight, you're in charge of the first team. Connor, Tara, and Carson, you'll be with him. I will take the other one. Marshall and Alice with me. We leave in the morning and come back Sunday as long as the weather holds up. This is our last run before we are going to rebuild the engines on our trucks and convert over to biodiesel. We really need to make this one count. Start syphoning any grease from fast food restaurants. Cosworth made a list of shit he needs, both teams will have a copy. Get what you can."

Carson pushes up his glasses. "Alice, are you familiar with Charlottesville?"

Alice nods, keeping her head down.

"The rest of you may go, we leave when the sun comes up," I instruct.

"We'll work up a plan then," Carson tells me.

I nod and leave the two of them alone. "Dwight, Connor, ping pong?"

"I'm going to spend some time with Sherry," Dwight tells me.

"Let me guess, same thing for you and Joanna?" I ask Connor.

He nods.

"Shit," I sigh, folding my arms. How am I the only one not fucking someone right now?

"Sir?" Marshall steps in front of me. "I was wondering if Olivia could come with us."

"No, out of the question."

"Negan, I have always sided with you. I want you to consider this as a favor to me."

My eyes follow him out the front doors as I let out a heavy sigh. I find Olivia in his room reading. "You settling in alright?"

"Yes. I can't thank you enough, Negan."

"Do me a favor and don't."

"I take it Marshall came to you about what I said."

"I don't think it's a good idea. It's not a training exercise, and it's fucking dangerous for you to be out there with us."

"And it's a waste of time for me to be inside counting rice and toilet paper for the fifth time. Why do you think I hated my life at the Safe-Zone? I want to do something fulfilling. I want to contribute. No, I'm not too good with my knife, but as long as you keep me here, I'm never going to learn."

I fold my arms.

"You really think Marshall is going to let anything happen to me?"

"Olivia, I need Marshall focused. Not worried about if you're getting yourself into trouble."

"You do it for Alice."

"I-" Goddammit, I hate being put in my place. "Fine." I leave before she does something stupid like hug me.

...

I sit in my chair with my foot propped up on the wall. I'm bored as a motherfucker. "Want to mess around?" I smirk when my door opens.

"Flattering, but you're not really my type," Carson murmurs, stepping inside.

"I obviously wasn't fucking talking to you."

"Anyway." He puts the map on the bed, followed by two lists of exact street locations for places to scavenge. "Who needs Google maps, right?" he laughs.

"What the fuck is a Google?"

"Oh, of course, I always forget you never used the internet." He gestures one of the lists at me. "Alice requested this part if that's okay."

I nod and take it from him.

"Do you want me to tell her to come see you?"

"No," I murmur.

"I've been training with Marshall. I won't be a liability."

"You wouldn't be going if I thought you were a liability."

"Thanks," he smiles. "It's nice to actually be able to go with. Makes me feel like I can contribute."

"You might not have been out there with us, but you are the most important person here. Don't forget that, Carson."

"I never knew you thought that."

"Well, I'm not exactly the most communicative motherfucker, am I?"

"You know, I only left for the Hilltop because I wanted a chance to see my brother, and to be my own man. Things happened so fast and then I get word that you've been captured. Marshall, Seth, and I were always trying to think of ways to get you out."

"Just stop. You don't owe me an explanation."

He starts to leave, but looks over his shoulder at me. "Between us, I think Alice is from Charlottesville but doesn't want us to know."

"Why do you say that?"

"She would wipe the tears from her face when she thought I wasn't looking."

"Did you say anything to her?"

"No." He rubs the back of his neck. "I don't know if this would be a conflict of interest so to speak, but I advise leaving her here."

"Thanks, I'll think about it."

"Goodnight."

"Yeah," I sigh.

* * *

"We're here," Marshall says, parking the truck.

I should have taken Carson's advice, but I was selfish and I wanted Alice with me.

She didn't say a word the entire trip, not that talking was ever her strong suit. As she looks around the town, her eyes glaze over.

I expect it to come any minute. That look of hers, but it never does. Maybe this is the one thing she can't detach herself from. "Sunday, unless snow falls," I tell them.

"You all be careful," Dwight says as their group starts down the street.

"Alice knows where we are going so we follow her. Olivia, this will be good practice for you. You're in charge of clearing. Marshall, keep your head up. We don't know if this place is already occupied and all these buildings are perfect set ups for snipers."

Olivia raises her trench knife. "Roamers!"

Marshall takes a step forward as I put my hand up, holding him back. "She has to learn, you know this."

He nods nervously, lowering his machete.

She runs for the undead and trips.

It lunges for her, grabbing her hair.

"No," Marshall screams.

Alice throws her knife, hitting the undead and killing it.

"Thank you," Marshall shouts, running to Olivia.

"Good job, Alice."

She keeps walking forward, ignoring me.

Olivia tries again, trying to stab one of the undead in the forehead. It becomes too much as it falls on top of her.

This time Marshall intervenes, taking his machete to the back of its head.

"I'm sorry, I thought I could do it, but I couldn't get my knife in it."

Someone's life isn't exactly a situation where you want to say, I told you so, but I called this shit.

Alice squats down. "Here, here and here," she points to different spots on the undead. "It's softer, so it makes driving the knife in easier. Same with," Alice pauses, standing up. "Same with people. Another thing," she suggests, reaching into her bag. "Here." Alice hands her a rubber band. "They like to reach out and grab anything they can. This way, it stays out of your face, too."

"Thank you, Alice," she smiles, putting her hair in the rubber band.

We're already at a disadvantage because of the time it took to get here. It's dangerous to scavenge in the dark, but we don't have a choice. Not with the area we need to cover and the amount of time we have to do it. I'm also worried about the weather. If we get trapped in a blizzard, we'll die. The night is bitter cold as the wind picks up.

* * *

When the sun rises, it's a welcome relief. A chance to thaw out. The day is spent working on Cosworth's list. We siphon gallons and gallons of grease. Alice is familiar with the other things he requested and goes alone to get those. I think the time by herself really helps. "You didn't find anything?" I question when she comes back empty handed.

"I require assistance."

It's an entire fucking pallets worth. Hopefully, this Cosworth fuck pulls through for us.

…

We pass a book store that I'm certain Alice will want to stop at, but she tells Marshall to keep going. We turn down one of the streets, all the way to the end before she has him stop at a corner house. There's still a car in the driveway when Marshall pulls in.

"We'll stay here for the night." Alice gets out of the truck as the rest of us follow her. She eases open the front door and steps inside.

I look down to see a mat with the letters D and Y, kicking the rest of the leaves off it. **KENNEDY**.

"How did you know the door would be open?" Olivia asks, plopping down on the couch.

It's not open. The lock on the front door is broken. I run my fingers across a giant muddy faded boot imprint on the door.

_A few weeks after the outbreak started, the men broke into my home._

This is her house.

"This is my home," Alice tells her.

Fuck. I frown, taking my hand from the door.

"Olivia, Marshall, you may take my father's room. Last door upstairs."

"No, that's okay," Marshall declines.

"He won't be needing it." Alice disappears into the kitchen.

I feel like I should say something, but what? "Can you two give us some privacy?"

Marshall gets their things and starts for the steps.

Alice comes back with a rag in her hand. She kneels down on the hardwood floor and starts to scrub the mud from their boots off of it.

"Alice." I kneel beside her.

"No! I need to do this." She scrubs as hard as she can, pulling out one of her knives and trying to scrape the more stubborn spots of mud.

I go into the kitchen and get another rag, helping her.

She lets out a cry against the back of her hand, sitting on her knees. In her other hand is a cigarette bud.

I will always remember that burly motherfucker's face. His smirk as the cigarette hung from his lip.

Alice looks at me over her shoulder. "When you killed them, did you make them suffer?"

I shake my head no, taking the cigarette from her. "But I made sure this one did." I set the cigarette on the towel when she starts sobbing loudly, and move her in my arms.

"Thank you."

"Don't," I snap. I'll be goddamned if she's going to thank me over something that should have never fucking happened to her in the first place. She's not even over Vic, and now this. At least, I can be here for her this time. For however long she needs. When she decides to let go, I almost curse her for being so strong.

"There's some tools in the garage you should take a look at. They might help with your motorcycle."

"Yeah, sure." I didn't expect to see a dirt bike in the garage. "Yours?"

"You know it's not."

"Your dad ride?"

"It's Charli's."

"Guess I'll have to take her riding since you dislike it," I mock her.

She doesn't find it as funny as I do. "Will you please retrieve the wooden box down from the top shelf?"

I set it in her hands. "What's in it?"

"My father's knives." Alice twirls it between her fingers before chunking it across the garage.

I think it's pretty goddamn cool to watch her have such precision with these things.

She lets out a displeased sigh. "These are heavier. I'm not as accurate."

They look longer, too. "Looks pretty fucking accurate to me."

Alice quickly changes the subject. "Can you use any of these tools or not?"

"Yeah, they're good tools."

"Very well." She slips the knives in her vest.

I follow her back inside and up the steps.

She quickly closes the first door at the top.

"What's in there?"

"Nothing."

Oh. Charli's room.

"My room is that one over there. I need the restroom for a moment."

I have a look around while I wait. There are shelves of books taking up an entire wall. I walk over to a glass case and cock my head. "I'll be damned," I smirk, looking her trophies and awards over. Her valedictorian sash hangs next to them. Perhaps the most unlikely thing is a crown that sits on top of another sash. "Homecoming Queen," I murmur.

"As you can see, I wasn't shoved into any lockers."

"Are you sure we're in the right room?"

"I suppose when I finally found something to say, people wanted to listen."

"So you **were** always like this."

"I don't understand why you always refer to it as **like this**. We already discussed my stoic mannerisms in the RV."

"With charisma like that, no wonder you were homecoming queen." I'm given a glare before she goes over to her closet. It's the size of another room for fuck's sake. "Wow, you've got a lot of sophisticated shit in here." I would never in a million years guess that this was her closet. Well, other than the fact it's annoyingly color coded, which is mostly pastel pinks, light blues, and whites. I think everything in this goddamn closet has lace. She didn't own one pair of pants, except for a few shorts, though even those had lace on them. There's at least fifty pairs of high heels, and ten pairs of boots. I pull out one of the white long sleeved lace dresses and shake my head before hanging it back on the rack. "Alice, what exactly do you see in someone like me?"

"Is this a serious question?"

"Yes it's a serious goddamn question."

"Why does it matter what I have to say? Your mind is already made up."

"Do you really think in the real world a girl like you would ever take a look at some drunk gutter trash like me?"

"Insecurity is an unattractive quality, and it doesn't suit you."

"Fuck you, Alice."

"Juvenile."

I peer over her shoulder. "Oh, Goddamn-"

"Negan, stop!" She slams her drawer shut.

"You think I've never seen a fucking bra before?" For a second, I think I'm going to get slapped. "You gonna fucking try this shit on for me or what?"

Her eyes slowly drift to the clothing on the rack.

I pull a pink dress away from the others.

"This was the attire I wore to prom."

I find myself becoming oddly jealous over some punk kid taking her to some dumb ass dance.

"Technically, I didn't make it to prom."

"Why?"

"My date had other plans. He thought a hotel room would be a more suitable location. I walked eleven miles home in heels because of how furious I was at his intentions. Perceiving me as that kind of girl."

"Things haven't really changed, have they?"

She giggles softly. "I sewed most everything in this closet, or added lace and a bow to it."

"I hadn't fucking noticed." I'll take her attempt to change the subject as I'm making her uncomfortable. My eyes widen at a pair of satin white high heels. "Yeah," I simper, picking them up off the floor. Goddamn, I'd love to see her in these, and **only** these.

"These are my favorite," she perks up, taking them.

There isn't a shred of masculinity here and I don't fucking care.

"Will you please step out for a moment?"

I let her have her privacy, hoping maybe she'll come out of this closet wearing only those high heels. Yeah, fucking right. I pop open the door on this glass case and pull out the metal crown.

"Did you want to wear it?"

I almost drop the damn thing. "That was fast." Please be naked, please be naked, please be – fuck. "And, no, I don't want to fucking wear this."

She takes it from my hands.

"I thought you were going to try some clothes on for me?"

"I'm certain the only clothes you're referring to are my undergarments."

"Put that crown on."

"No. That girl is gone."

"Bullshit, Alice. Put the fucking crown on."

She heaves the most obnoxious sigh. "Happy?"

"It looks fucking stupid."

"It does not!"

"Oh, really now?" I give her a wide toothed grin.

"Clever."

"It's crooked though."

She adjusts it on her head, starting to laugh.

There's a point to this. It's not about crowns, or her former self. We're flirting. Like before everything got so fucked. She never awards anyone her laugh, but me. Every day we're healing. Getting closer to where we left off. I take the crown from her and put it back in the case. "Get some sleep, alright? I'll be on the couch if you need anything." It's better I'm closer to a front door that doesn't lock.

She nods, rubbing her hands together. "Um."

"Um?" I laugh. "Didn't think that word was in your arrogant vocabulary."

Alice wraps her arms around my waist.

It's brief, and not even enough time to acknowledge it if I wanted to.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Alice."

* * *

Is that coffee I smell? I hold my lower back as I attempt to stand up. Fuck, this couch is the most uncomfortable thing I have ever slept on. As I make my way into the kitchen, I notice the back door is open, but when I hear Alice talking to someone, I make myself a cup of coffee. I dig around in the cupboard and find a clear plastic container of sugar. I stop after eight spoonfuls only because something Alice says catches me off guard. I hold the cup by the rim and walk out into her backyard.

She's standing in front of a cross with her hands folded.

I frown listening to her converse with her father. It isn't because of the obvious, it's the fact she really has no emotion when she speaks to him.

"I acquired this on a run. Thought you might have an interest in it." Alice leans over and sets the rare gemstone she found on the cross.

I move back into the kitchen when she starts to come back into the house and set the cup back on the counter.

"Have you been standing here long?" She's embarrassed.

"No," I lie, adding more sugar. "What were you doing?"

"I heard a noise, thought I'd check on it."

I grab her wrist when she tries to leave the kitchen. "I heard you talking to him."

She slings her wrist from my hand. "No. You didn't," she hisses through clenched teeth, going into the living room.

Okay, guess that conversation's off limits if I want to keep my balls.

Alice has perfect posture as she sits on the couch, her hands in her lap.

I plop down next to her.

"I thought you were health conscious?"

"I am," I say, sipping my coffee.

"That's a significant amount of sugar."

"You ever drink coffee by itself? It's fucking terrible."

"I don't consume coffee. It's bitter."

"Who made this then?"

"I did," Olivia smiles.

This woman could easily fucking kill me with how easy it is for her to sneak up on me.

"This is the cleanest house I've ever been in," Olivia comments.

"Thank you." There's a flatness in Alice's voice.

We need to leave. This house has some kind of weird grasp on her. Maybe she secretly hoped that Charli would be here. Or maybe it truly was her incessant need to clean the mud from the floor, though less likely.

"Want us to scavenge what we can?" Marshall asks.

"No. Leave it be."

"It's fine, take what you need," Alice responds dryly, heading back upstairs.

"Marshall, there's a dirt bike in the garage. Put it in the truck. Olivia, take any food that's good, then help Marshall get those tools." I go after Alice.

She's standing in front of the glass case that houses the former memories of herself. In her hand is a piece of paper.

"What's that?" I take it from her. It's an acceptance letter to Harvard University.

"I studied for a future that no longer exists." She points at her desk.

On it are at least twenty more letters from colleges.

Alice sweeps her tears away. "I apologize."

"You're allowed to feel feelings, Alice. That's what human beings do."

"We should get going."

I grab her by the bicep. "I'm fucking serious. Now get some of that pink shit from your closet. Do you want any of these books?"

"No. We can't afford the room on the truck."

"We'll take the whole goddamn house if you want. Don't leave here empty handed, because you're going to regret it. You know, everyone else thinks you're emotionless and it's because they don't know you like I do, so I know that this is fucking hard for you. It's okay. Take your time, gather what you want, because you might not have a second chance to do so."

She reaches for her acceptance letter.

"No, this is mine." I fold it back up and put it in the inner pocket of my jacket, letting her pack.

...

It's been a while. Not that I want to rush her. "Alice?"

She's laying on her bed.

I walk over to it and have a seat, setting my hand on her hip. "Come here." I pull her on my lap so she straddles me.

"Thank you, Negan."

"You're welcome. You, uh, get any of those bras by chance?"

She laughs softly. "All of them," she surprisingly admits.

I don't fucking press my luck any further, and keep my perverted mouth shut.

"Let's go home."

I'm so thankful to hear her call Sanctuary home.

Once she leaves her room, it starts to become overwhelming.

I pick her up, holding her tight.

"Is she alright?" Olivia asks.

"She's asleep," I lie. "Marshall, grab the suit cases at the top of the steps please."

Alice pretends to be asleep even after we get back.

I know I did right by her, and she's very appreciative. "I'll bring in your things in the morning. Get some sleep."

"Stay with me."

"I'm exhausted, Alice."

"You may sleep in my bed."

"I sleep alone. You know this."

"I don't snore."

"I know you don't snore," I laugh. "You've fallen asleep on me many times."

"When I do, I feel safe."

Hearing her admit that, makes those sleepless nights worth it.

"Please?"

I can't do it. I can't fucking bring myself to be that vulnerable with someone. I've never slept with anyone, and I never will. "I told you, anytime you don't feel safe I will sit outside your door."

"I won't press the issue any further. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." I quietly close her door. This isn't something that's up for fucking debate, I'm sorry. I don't see why people sleep together. It's hot and uncomfortable. It just serves no purpose. I'll see her in the morning, just the same.

* * *

I'm trying not to laugh at these two. They're fucking ridiculous.

Alice and Eugene dryly greet each other.

I thought Rick was joking about this Eugene fuck, but he's just as Rick described him.

Eugene eyes Alice lengthwise. "Were you law enforcement?"

"Irrelevant, and no."

He gives Alice a displeased grunt. "Deception from the start."

"Deception? Please, tell me about your project to map human genome? Carl had very little to say on the subject when I asked your position within this group."

"Maybe I was also deceitful."

"What is the topic of discussion?"

"A few years ago, I came upon a creature. It was weak. Not moving at all. He could barely open his mouth. It was **fascinating**."

"Rick called those lurkers."

"I'm aware."

Goddamn, I'm so fucking bored that I take Rick up on his offer to talk privately.

"How's Alice?"

"Fine."

"Carl told me what happened with Vic."

"Rick, you better mind your own goddamn business."

"Settle the fuck down."

"Don't tell me what the fuck to do! Did you have to watch Andrea get passed around by your men?"

"No, but," Rick's eyes glaze over as he becomes choked up. "After we lost Alice, a bit went by. We were on our way to the Police Station I had worked at. This group of men attacked us. One of them tried to force himself on Carl. I lost my fucking mind. Ripped his throat open with my teeth."

"Did they-"

"No."

"Jesus Christ."

"When I found Alice, she didn't speak one word, except to Carl. Any time she thought I was listening, she became silent. She was very attentive to him. Made sure he was warm, safe, and clean. Well, as clean as a kid growing up in this world can be. I lost my wife a couple months before that, and I think Alice filled a small part of that void."

"And since Alice lost Charli, Carl was that sibling relationship she needed."

"I guess what I'm getting at is, I know you want Alice with you, but Carl misses her, and fears he's going to lose her again."

"You don't understand how fucking hard I have fought for Alice to leave her here."

"I'm not saying that. I'm saying, I'd.. he'd like it if you brought her here at least once a month, maybe for a few days."

I take a deep breath. "Rick, if something happens to her, so help me fucking God I will-"

"I see the love you have for her every time she's mentioned or present. I wouldn't take that from you. She'll be **safe** , I promise."

There's that stupid fucking word again. A trait of human nature that makes no goddamn sense.

"Did you kill Vic?"

"I fed him his intestines. If I had it my way, he'd still be alive, locked in a basement. And every day I would show him the true meaning of hell. I'd never allow him to die." I have to stop and take a deep fucking breath. "I killed him for her, as closure."

"Someone once told me, you can't come back from something like that."

"You can't. You don't. I watched it happen to someone twenty years ago, and it still fucks me up."

Rick nudges Lucille.

I bite the inside of my cheek and look away from him. "Yeah," I mutter.

"Did Alice see you kill Vic?"

"No. I had her close her eyes while he.. raped her. Told her to keep them closed, even after I killed him."

"Carl watched me knife the son of a bitch who tried to force himself on him. He said that it didn't scare him, that he wanted me to do it, and he wanted to help. Still to this day I think back to that moment and wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe I should have shielded him, like you did Alice."

"Carl is one tough motherfucker."

"As is Alice."

"I'll bring her by whenever she wants. She just has to say the word." I stand up from the chair and head for the door. "Rick."

"Yes?"

"I'm truly sorry for the empty threat I made about my men running a train on him."

"I know you are."

...

"Alice! Alice, Alice, wait," Carl huffs, running down the street.

"I was unaware you were here," Alice tells him.

Carl gives her a hug. "Will you stay here for the night?"

I take a deep breath when she looks back at me, then hand her her bag. "I'll be by on Tuesday to get you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Fuck no, I don't want her here. I didn't expect to leave her here the second I was starting to come to terms with it. What's even worse is I don't feel like I can properly tell her goodbye in front of all these people. Then I think, what if it's the last time I see her, and suddenly I don't give a fuck about all these people watching us. Still, I can't risk it. I can never let anyone know how much she means to me. Not after Vic. "Three days, Alice." I hurry for the truck, slamming the door. "Drive."

"What about-"

"I said fucking drive."

* * *

"I'm glad we're finally getting a chance to talk."

"Have a seat," I tell Amber.

"It's strange, I lived here for so long, but it doesn't seem like it."

"It's been a while." I press my boot to the coffee table, leaning back unenthused. I'm already annoyed at this conversation.

"I just want you to know that there are no hard feelings. You never forced me to be a wife. I came to you because I knew what being with you meant. No more earning points. Mark could barely take care of himself, let alone me, too. I thought about it from time to time. What it would be like to be with you. Then the night that fight broke out between Connor and Mark, I knew I had to."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Amber. All you had to do was tell me Connor was threatening Mark. Look, I know Mark is, well, pathetic, but that doesn't mean he's not important here. Everyone is important. You can't make it on your own anymore. Yes, I gave him shit and maybe this is on me because I should have set a better example for my men. Connor is a great asset to us, but that doesn't award him privileges to harass my men."

"When you gave us a choice on the hill to side with you or Rick, Mark wanted to stay there."

"Shocker."

"It wasn't because of you. It was because of Connor. Mark's never resented you, in fact, he respects you. We went against the rules. I should have been loyal to you, but I wasn't, and even then you gave me the choice to go back to Mark."

"You stayed because of the baby, because you knew you could give it a better life being with me and that's wrong. On my part. You know, I put the point system in place because I wanted people to pull their fucking weight. Never did I think it would ruin people's lives."

"It didn't ruin my life. It forced me to grow up. Sherry and Dwight are stronger because of it. Nicole was able to work towards becoming a Doctor. Joanna found love. Rachel is doing what she always has, looking out for herself. Seems like the only life it ruined was yours. I saw the way you looked at Alice, the way you still look at her."

My lip curls upward.

Amber wraps her arms around me. "Thank you for everything."

She starts to let go, but I pull her back to me as we start to laugh.

"I better get back to Tim."

"Yeah. Don't ever pass him off to Alice again. She's not good with children."

"She did seem rather uncomfortable, but I'll forever be grateful for what she did."

"She knows that."

"Goodnight, uh.. Sir."

"Fuck you, Amber," I smirk.

* * *

There's a violent knock on my bedroom door. "Fuck off," I snap, half awake.

"Open this door right now," Alice demands.

What the hell is she doing home already?

She knocks furiously again.

"I can answer the door without pants on if you'd like?"

"Open this door!"

I drop my shirt on the floor and unlock it, flinging open the door. "What the fuck, Alice?" I yell.

It's obvious she's been crying. Her eyes are bloodshot and her face is flushed.

I lose my hostility as my stomach knots.

Her eyes well up as she shakes her head. "What is this?" She shakes a piece of paper out at me.

It's the note I wrote her while I was in jail. Oh, Jesus Christ. Carl never gave her the note that night in the shed. She starts to leave, but I grab her wrist. "Alice, wait." As the words leave my mouth, I feel the sting of her hand across my cheek.

She hurries from the parlor.

"Alice," I call, running after her.

"You knew Holly was dead but you still tried to act ignorant to it, didn't you?"

"I-"

"Didn't you?!" Hearing her raise her voice is a rare occasion.

I frown, nodding my head yes.

"Goodbye."

"No! Christ, Alice, no! Just fucking wait, please," I beg.

Tears stream down her face.

"If I tell you everything, will you stay?"

"You don't get to bargain with me, not after what you did."

"I didn't kill her! She tried to run and undead got her. I swear that's the fucking truth. I had finally gotten you as a wife and was that wrong? Yeah, it was and I'm sorry, but please don't fucking go." I clutch her wrist tight. "Please, I thought this was behind us. I thought Carl gave you the note!"

"Behind us?" She pulls out of my grip. "This is **unforgivable**."

God, Christ, no, not this again. "I'm sorry, Alice. Read the fucking note."

"The Devil is in the details, Negan."

 


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N A significant amount of time is going to pass in the next few chapters. I'll probably note at the top of each one so you don't have to keep up. Negan was let out of jail in December and this chapter will start sometime in February. This is actually another one of my favorite chapters, but I like angst and overall chaos, as you can tell.**

* * *

_Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer._ _―_ _Mark Z. Danielewski_

* * *

I haven't talked to Alice in nineteen days. It's more difficult than the two years. Sometimes, I'll catch a glimpse of her in the morning before she leaves. It's like she fucking died and her ghost haunts me. Tuesday is the worst, because I thought when she'd come to exchange her points for things in the supply room, I'd get to see her, but I don't. She asked specifically to deal with Carson. He's the only one that knows what's really going on. He'll relay messages to her for me, and he does the same for her. These last few days, I've considered just saying fuck it, and leaving Sanctuary permanently, though it's more me being a giant pussy. I don't see any hope for Alice and me because there's nothing I can say to make this better since she refuses to talk to me. Christ, every time Carson opens his mouth, I'm fearful that he's going to tell me she's leaving for the Safe-Zone. I didn't bother to leave the parlor today. I'm still in my pajama pants, working on my second bottle of whisky. Okay, to be fair, the first bottle wasn't even full.

"What's your fucking problem these days?" Rachel sits next to me.

I ignore her and top off another glass.

"Oh. **Her**." She rolls her eyes, disgusted. "I don't know why you waste your time with someone like Alice."

"And I don't know why you waste your time trying to fill my head, convincing me otherwise."

"Fill your head? I'm just saying what you're thinking."

I slouch more against the lounge and take another cranky drink. Bitch.

"I know what would make you feel better."

Can't I just sit in fucking silence? Is that too much to ask for? Should have gone up to the roof.

She straddles me, setting my glass to the side. "It's okay," she mouths, before she presses her lips to my neck as she slips her hand under the elastic of my pants, working her fist up and down.

Christ, her tongue is like acid against my skin as I flinch.

Her poisonous eyes lock on mine. "Wh- Why aren't you getting hard?"

"Because you're not **her** ," I growl.

"Fuck you," she yells, slapping me across the face before getting off of me. "Enjoy your fornication with a mute fuck!"

"Intercourse."

Rachel lets out a scream, slamming the bathroom door behind her.

Finally, silence.

* * *

Fuck, I feel like complete shit. I drank way too goddamn much, way too motherfucking fast. Listening to Cosworth talk about this biodiesel shit is giving me an even bigger headache. "How long's this gonna fucking take?"

"Forty eight hours."

"That's a long time to wait if the shit don't fucking work."

"There's always the horses you have."

"Yeah, fucking right, kid. Me? On a goddamn horse?"

"Let's throw a hypothetical out there. If this doesn't work, are you going to kick me out?"

"No."

"Then what happens?"

"We'll be in fucksville, same as we are now."

He seems relieved. "The leader of my last group had no issue with exiling people. I watched many good people get cast out for something stupid. I had a feeling my days were numbered, he was always harassing me."

"Maybe you should lose the goddamn bow tie and cardigan."

"I hardly believe that's the reasoning."

"What else do you need from me before I work on these engines?"

"Do you have any room in your weekly game of poker?"

"I was talking about chemicals and shit, but, yeah. We got room."

"Thank you. Not just for poker, but for, you know. Letting me be here." Cosworth doesn't give me an opportunity to speak before he starts setting up another station.

You know, this kid turned out to be pretty handy. Even if this shit don't fucking work, I see potential in him. He's a little odd, but who isn't anymore? Another good thing came out of bringing Cosworth with us. Clara, one of the girls that Alice rescued in the RV park, turned out to be Cosworth's sister. I always find it truly inspiring when people are reunited. Especially in our world. Even more so after what that poor girl has been through.

...

Marshall, Dwight, and I have a lot of work ahead of us with these engines. "I only want to strip one truck. That way if it don't work, we're not out all three of ours."

"When it works," Marshall corrects me.

Right, yeah. Guess I need to start having a little more faith in shit. Things were just easier five years ago, back when everything was up for grabs. Back when things weren't expired and there was plenty of it. Honestly, I never thought we'd make it this long.

Dwight is the most experienced one we have when it comes to cars, but that's not to downplay his knowledge about them.

I'm counting on him.

* * *

We finish earlier than I expected on the first truck. It's fucking risky, but the damn things are just going to become scrap sooner or later. "Strip the other two." I make Connor, Cosworth, Tara, Seth, and Carson help. Use it as a chance to teach them about engines. Even Alice seems interested, and stays by Dwight to learn. I try to stay focused, but it isn't easy. I almost crush my goddamn foot. It actually gains me some sympathy as she turns her attention from the engine to me. Too bad I didn't crush my hand. What the fuck is wrong with me?

* * *

It's one of the few victories we've had, and it's an emotional one when the first truck starts. I let Marshall and Dwight have the honor of starting the other ones. "Good fucking job, Cosworth," I praise him, setting my hand on his shoulder.

"Th- thank you."

I wish there's something I could reward him with, but we just can't spare anything right now. "Saviors, I know you're tired, but we've been down a while, and we need to get back out there. I will take a small group, any volunteers?" I dismiss Dwight and Marshall because of the work the two of them have put into rebuilding these trucks, and take Connor, Tara, and Seth. We didn't find much at all, not worth the time spent out, but anything is better than coming home empty handed.

"That bad, huh?" Carson frowns, looking inside the truck.

Maybe it had something to do with Alice not being there, but that's not really fair to put that burden on her all the time.

"Hmm, I know it wasn't what you expected, but ammunition is always a good thing."

"It makes me nervous that we found so much of it." In fact, everything we found was placed in a single building, like some kind of hideout.

"Well, fuck them," Carson jokes.

Marshall should be happy, we found several cartons of smokes. "Connor, take that mattress up to Cosworth's room." The mattress isn't a very good thank you, but at least it's a start to repay him for what he did for us. I lightly knock on Alice's door, hoping it will throw her off and she won't ask who it is.

"Who is it?"

Fuck. "It's me," I murmur. "I brought you some maps, I'll just slip them under the door." I squat down and the door opens.

She sticks out her hand. Her hair is swept over one shoulder.

Of course it's fucking down. I move the maps up for her to take.

"What town did you go to?"

"Not sure," I shrug, rising up.

"By your tone, I'll assume you didn't find much."

"My tone isn't because we didn't find shit. It's because the only conversation we've had in twenty seven days is about how we didn't find shit."

"Twenty eight," she corrects me. "Goodnight." Alice quietly closes the door.

I stand there with my hand pressed against the wall. She's counting, too? That's a good thing, right? Fuck, I gotta start thinking like that, or this is going to fucking kill me.

* * *

The following month when Alice went to the Safe-Zone to visit Carl, I'm certain I will never see this woman again. Three days I waited on the catwalk for her to return. **Three fucking days**. I sit up from the chair, my back stiff as I see her walk in the gate. I run down the steps, hauling ass across the courtyard. This is probably going to fucking ruin everything, but until I know for certain, I don't care. I wrap my arms around her forcefully, squashing my daily delivery of bread between us. "I fucking missed you so goddamn much, Alice. I thought I'd never see you again," I whimper. That's right. I fucking whimper like a goddamn dog. "I'm sorry, Alice. I'm sorry."

"Don't," she begs.

"Please, just talk to me."

"No."

"Let me walk you back to your room at least."

She starts to cry and it's the last fucking thing I want. "Why didn't you tell me about Holly?"

"Because I'm a fucking idiot."

"You are not an idiot."

Even though I have this woman in my arms, it's so empty.

"What if you didn't find those marks on my back?"

I have thought about this every single day since it happened, and the truth is, there is no way in fucking hell that I would have gone through with anything. I would have put her clothes back on and sent her away, just like I did. It's one of the reasons why I wrote her the note, because even though it means I might lose her, at least she'll know the truth. "Even if I tell you that I wouldn't have been able to go through with you being my wife, why does it matter? Why do you want to hear me say that I would have stopped? Because you won't fucking believe me. I know you. Right now you're just thinking about how much bullshit is coming from my mouth when it couldn't be farther from the truth. No, it doesn't excuse the fact I didn't tell you about Holly, or paraded you around in that goddamn lingerie. I just wish you would let me talk to you. Can't we start over and work our way up to what we had?"

"Do you think, after everything, I should forgive you?"

The only grounds I have to stand on is that I truly thought this was past us, and that Carl gave her the note. Everything is so fucked between us because of me. I want her to stay, I want to make things right. " **No**. If I were you, I'd run as fucking far from this place as I could get and I'd **never** come back." It tastes like vinegar coming out of my mouth, but it's the right thing to tell her. It's gotta be her choice.

She moves out of my grip, giving me the squashed loaf of bread.

"No, please, Alice," I beg her.

She heads back inside Sanctuary. But for how long? Long enough to pack her things?

"Sir, I was going over inventory, and it's not good," Carson informs me.

"It's **never** fucking good."

He shows me the list.

"Fuck." My men are going to starve if we don't find food. We ran out this morning. "Call a meeting. Now. Everyone." I give him the bread and walk over to the gates. Before Alice came, we really counted on places like the Hilltop for food, as well as our garden and greenhouse. I need her to come through for us more than ever, but I worry that with everything going on, we're not going to have her much longer. I curl my fingers around the chain link fence. I think our days at Sanctuary are done. What a goddamn shame. Maybe this meeting that I'm calling should be to tell them that they need to go to the Safe-Zone. I've failed them as a leader.

...

The panic that I'm trying to avoid is inevitable, but I'm not going to lie to my men. "Saviors, we're out of food. I'm going to say this with a heavy heart. I don't think it's going to get much better." We all try and pull together to come up with something. It doesn't take a fucking genius to use a map, but it doesn't exactly fucking say 'scavenge here at this supermarket' or 'there's a supermarket here' on the fucking map. "If you'd like to go to the Safe-Zone permanently, Marshall can take a truck there. Otherwise, if you're coming to scavenge, be in the courtyard in fifteen minutes." I head up to the parlor to tell Nicole and Rachel.

"I- I don't want to leave, Baby," Nicole says, touching my side.

Rachel gets out of bed, closing her robe. She looks at Nicole before she turns her attention to me. "Can I help?"

I almost don't believe it.

Nicole **doesn't** believe it.

"I don't know if I own any pants though," Rachel laughs nervously.

I move my arm out as Rachel comes over and gives me a hug.

"I'm sorry for what I said," Rachel cries.

"I know," I hold her.

"About Alice, too. I'm sorry that Vic hurt her."

I almost lose it.

"Maybe Sherry has some blue jeans I could borrow," Rachel says.

"No. Look, you two need to take care of each other. If for some reason I don't come back, you go to Rick. Take the others, and go to Rick." I give Rachel a kiss on the cheek, as well as Nicole. I'm not looking back this time before I leave, because the last time I did that, I didn't see my girls for over two years. To my surprise, when I get back outside, everyone is in the courtyard. Even Amber holding Tim. I know that everyone gathered out here, but it's more for support. To show they aren't going anywhere. "Thank you," I tell them. The only one we're missing is Alice.

Marshall's truck starts.

I'd throw up if there was anything in my stomach. I wait for it to pull away, but it doesn't. As I start for it to beg this woman one more time to stay, I feel a tug on my sleeve.

"Sir." Alice's small fingers are wrapped around the leather.

**Thank** Christ.

"As you know, I'm not too familiar with this area. I just want to be clear this could be a gamble, but I think we should scavenge Brentwood. Bladensburg Road to be exact. It's only a few miles from here." She shows it to me on the map. It's a grayed area. Alice color coded the maps according to what she felt was best to find supplies. While gray is an untouched area, it doesn't necessarily mean we won't find anything.

"You're on Marshall's team."

She nods, letting go of my sleeve and going to him.

"Mark, Dwight, Seth, Carson, you're with me. Olivia, Connor, and Cosworth you're with Marshall. Say your goodbyes and load up."

...

Most of this shit isn't worth dick. Hopefully, Marshall's team is doing better than we are.

Dwight finishes siphoning off the rest of the grease from one of these fryers. "You and Alice okay?"

"Drop it, Dwight."

"I guess I never realized how I don't know a thing about you, except the way you feel about her. I'm sorry that I told everyone what happened. That wasn't fucking right. It all happened so fucking fast. I wanted to take those goddamn bolt cutters and beat him to death."

I know he's trying to rebuild our trust, and I need to let that happen. "I don't want to push it, but maybe you can have Sherry see if she needs anything."

"They talked before she went to the Safe-Zone."

"What did she say? Did she talk about me? Is she alright? What did they talk about?" Ugh, pathetic.

"Alice didn't say much. Sherry and I are trying to get pregnant, but Sherry said Alice got really uncomfortable, so they talked about books instead."

"She doesn't like children. Her mom died in childbirth. Stirs up bad shit." Damn, I'm relieved to hear that Alice talked to Sherry. If she isn't going to talk to me, I want her to at least talk with one of my girls. I realize then what Dwight said, about him and Sherry trying to get pregnant. Guess I could show interest in that, instead of it always being about me. "You, uh, want to be a dad?"

"Not really," he laughs nervously. "Shit's so fucked up, and here we're trying to have a child?"

"You can't stop living your life because dead people are eating the living."

"That's, uh, oddly comforting. I guess you're right. Thanks."

"Do you ever-" I hear the sound of several screeching tires, then motorcycle engines. They speed past the restaurant as something shatters through the glass, rolling across the floor. "Grenade," I shout, diving behind the counter. There's a sharp ringing in my ears, followed by this underwater sensation. I start to yell for Dwight, but I can't even hear my own voice. I can see Dwight yelling. He's not injured, but he's freaked out. What the fuck is going on? Smoke fills the street, which means it wasn't just one grenade. When my hearing comes back, Dwight is yelling for Seth, Mark, and Carson outside. The entire street is left in rubble. We're fucking lucky these explosions didn't block us in. Thankfully, everyone is unscathed.

"Do you want to head back?"

I don't want to head home empty handed, and tell Dwight to drive in the direction those motorcycles came from. The tire tracks lead us to a warehouse. "Park down the street. I want in that warehouse." As we walk closer to the building, we hear a muffled scream. I grab the sides of my head, dropping Lucille, as I flash back to Alice on the floor with Vic. "Fuck," I stammer, trying to get it together.

Carson picks up Lucille and hands her back to me. "Sir, are you okay?"

"It's from the grenade," I lie, taking back Lucille. Maybe it's the anger I have from the flash back, but I kick the door in and rush inside like a madman, hoping I'll get the chance to bash someone's goddamn skull in.

The muffled screams are coming from a man close to one of the bay doors. "Syndicate," he gasps, grabbing my arm. His other one has been lopped off and his throat has been severed. "My men." He points out the side door.

"Where are they?"

"Blue house. Banks, Hawkes-" He tries to take a breath, but goes completely limp.

I dig in his pocket, getting out his wallet to try and get some kind of a name. Arlo. "We need to look for his men before they try and pin this on us and we have a blood bath on our hands." I take my knife out and stick it in his skull so he doesn't turn.

"What are we looking for?"

"He said his men would be in a blue house." It's dangerous, because if those men already believe they are in danger, they could open fire on us. Yet, I can sympathize with Arlo because I'd want the same help for my men if it were me dying.

Dwight points at a house a block over once we get back outside. "Looks like the one."

"Seth, Mark, take the back door. Stay there and wait until Dwight gives the signal to come in. Dwight, Carson, you're with me." I go in first, slowly opening the door. I call out for Hawkes, figuring it's not a common name.

Hawkes comes out with an assault rifle pointed my way. "Far enough!" He's badly scarred on the left side of his face from what looks like knife wounds. He's a military man, and protector of the group. "Banks," Hawkes says, using his gun to point at Dwight.

Banks is middle aged with a dark complexion. His black hair and goatee are slightly starting to gray. Even in the house he's wearing aviator sun glasses.

Mark and Seth walk inside with their hands behind their heads, then kneel down.

"Good job, Vasquez," Hawkes praises when the rest of my men are captured.

I couldn't tell one physical attribute of Vasquez's other than he is one burly fucker. He's a member of BOPE; Brazil's special operations unit. Don't know what he's fucking doing here, but he'll be a good asset for sure if they don't fucking kill us. He's dressed from head to toe in tactical gear including a face cover, helmet, and goggles. "We found Arlo."

Hawkes narrows his eyes at me. "Where?" he demands.

"A warehouse. The street over. When we found him, he was missing his legs and an arm," I inform them. "We couldn't stop the bleeding, I'm sorry."

"Fucking Syndicate," Hawkes sneers. "Lower your weapons," he tells the other two.

Vasquez takes it upon himself to keep watch at the window, becoming completely still.

Mark and Seth get to their feet.

"What is the Syndicate? Arlo mumbled that before he died."

"Group of psychopaths trying to find a cure," Banks tells me.

"Don't really see how that's a bad thing," Carson comments.

"They ain't using rats for these experiments. Took Hawkes' wife while he was on a run. Syndicate need live hosts, and though it doesn't seem like it sometimes, there's plenty of test subjects. They usually just let you get bit, sometimes they'll inject you with those freak's blood," Banks shutters.

"They do that to your face?" I ask Hawkes.

"Did it to myself. I lost my kids when everything happened, then when the Syndicate took my wife, I didn't see a point in living without them. Arlo and his group found me, saved me. Figured there was a reason I'm still here."

"Why not go after them?"

"The Syndicate is huge. At least a hundred people, and growing every day. People will do anything for a cure. They don't stay long in one place, so it makes them hard to keep tabs on. Even if we did, not much the four of us could do. Well, three now," Hawkes sighs.

"We're not too well off with supplies, but you could come back with us," I offer.

"Vasquez," Banks whistles.

He moves from his post and starts pulling on a book case as it slides to the right.

Fuck, I forgot he was standing there.

"You take us in, consider our supplies yours. Got enough rice and beans to last at least a year."

"How the hell did you get this much food?" My mouth is watering.

"Syndicate misplaced it," Banks chuckles as Hawkes joins him.

"Dwight, go get the truck." I can't believe I've been oblivious to the Syndicate, and a dangerous group at that. "Someone threw a bunch of grenades down town. Would you happen to know anything about that?"

"They speed off on motorcycles?"

"Yeah."

"They're scouts that the Syndicate send out. If a town isn't worth it, they leave the place in ruins. If they leave a place untouched, that's when you know it's going to get bad. The scouts report back to the main group. We've been trying to track them down by the path of destruction which started in the Boston area, moving south. Stole their truck in Baltimore. They must have seen you and thought it was us. It will buy us some time at least."

"Vasquez, start loading everything on their truck," Hawkes tells him when Dwight pulls up.

I tell my men to help him.

"Vasquez doesn't talk, so don't bother."

"Language barrier?"

"Vasquez." Hawkes points at his throat.

Vasquez lifts his face cover just enough to show me his throat before he goes back to loading the truck.

"Syndicate will cut your vocal cords, that way you don't attract the attention of the biters. He was lucky to get away. That's how we know the info we do."

"How did he tell you about the Syndicate if he can't talk?"

I roll my eyes at Mark. "There are other forms of communication."

"He wrote a pretty detailed description." Banks pulls a small notebook from a duffle bag. "Take a look at that when you get a chance. He ain't gonna take his face mask off, so don't ask. Neither of us have seen his face."

"Thank you," I tell them.

"No, thank you," Hawkes says, extending his hand out. "Can you tell us where Arlo died?"

I shake his hand. "We'll help you."

"No, we handle our own."

"I understand. You can bring him back and bury him there if you'd like." Not that these guys had much of a choice, but I'm grateful to bring them home with us.

...

Marshall's group is already back and unloading the truck by the time we arrive.

Alice is taking inventory.

"Thanks," Carson smiles at her.

Vasquez seems a bit livelier when he sees Alice. He salutes her when she notices the new arrivals.

Alice hands over the clipboard to Carson and walks over to Vasquez.

"Olivia, get these guys each a room so they can get settled," I tell her.

"We'll bury Arlo first."

"Around the back, you'll see the spot," I frown. I haven't even visited Tim since I've been back.

We hear a gruff noise come from Vasquez and turn to look. He's using sign language to communicate with Alice.

"I'll be goddamned," Banks says. "Vasquez tried to teach us. He's fluent in about thirty seven languages, but I couldn't ever learn the shit."

"I'll show you," Alice tells him as he follows her back inside Sanctuary.

"He just fucking laugh?" Hawkes asks.

"Yeah, I think so." Banks shakes his head.

"He doesn't normally laugh, or well whatever that was?"

"Hell no, the stoic fuck. Honestly, he scares the shit out of us," Hawkes says a bit awkward.

"Dad?" Cosworth stammers, coming out of the truck.

Hawkes whips his head around. "Cos- Cosworth?" He drops his weapon, pulling his son into a hug.

"Daddy," Clara cries, running across the courtyard, jumping in his arms.

I'll be goddamned.

"You look just like your mother," Hawkes tells Clara. "Boy, you need a haircut," he laughs.

Cosworth pushes it out of his face.

Watching them gave me an idea. I decide to call a meeting later that evening after everything calmed down. When you walk into Sanctuary, there's a giant concrete wall that serves no purpose. Well, it's about to serve one. "Saviors, in light of everything tonight it's given me an idea. I know a lot of us have lost people close to us, and for some, the uncertainty of knowing whether they're still alive is just as painful. I'd like to use the wall when you first walk in as a reminder that some of us are looking to be reunited with our families. I want you to put their pictures on that wall as well as anything else that might help find them. If you don't have pictures, Amber can draw them and you can put that on the wall. I'd also like to spend a few days out of the month dedicated to finding these people."

"And if you've lost someone, I'd like to paint a mural on the cafeteria wall as a remembrance to them," Amber smiles. "I know that for some of you, that might be too hard, so I'd be glad to draw you a personal picture for you to keep in private."

Sure sounded a whole hell of a lot better than the cities she was going to paint. Shit, earlier, I was seconds from sending these people to be with Rick. Now, I've never felt more confident about the survival of Sanctuary. We're going to beat this. After all, we are the Saviors.

* * *

"Negan," Alice shouts.

"Wait." I get out of the truck. Why is it that she's the best she's ever looked when she wants nothing to do with me?

"I wouldn't feel right sneaking off again."

"Uh, wh- again?"

"I'm leaving for the Safe-Zone."

" **No**!"

"My mind is made up, and we both know that being here will only hurt us. This way, we can both live our lives."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now? Live my life? Alice, **you are my life**!"

"You betrayed me."

"I'm sorry I hurt you. If I could take it back, I would, but leaving isn't going to solve anything. Can't you just fucking give me the chance to make things right between us?"

"The chance to make things right was the moment you walked up the stairs and saw me waiting for you. You should have told me about Holly."

"I know, believe me I fucking know!"

"I'll leave the maps with Carson I've made during my time here."

"Alice, no! I will get on my goddamn knees and beg you in front of everyone. Anything you fucking want, I will give you, but don't do this to me again!"

"You did this to us," she screams as her voice echoes throughout the courtyard.

I watch the only thing that keeps me sane walk out of my life. This is it. Everything that we have fought for is motherfucking **gone**. My own words play over in my head.

_If your soul reason for surviving is because of another person, you're going to be in some serious disa-fucking-ppointment. Living for others, that's a foolish reason._

"What the fuck was that about?" Dwight asks.

"Just go."

"Are you sure?"

"Fucking go!"

"You always say you want our heads clear. Negan, one wrong mistake and you're dead out here."

I'm **counting** on it.

...

There's a strong breeze about to bring in a storm.

"Complete fucking waste of time," Dwight sneers.

I see an undead disappear into the woods and decide to go after it. Maybe I'll feel something once its teeth come within centimeters of my skin.

It nips at my leather jacket.

I'm surprisingly cavalier about it. I hold it by its throat, looking into its dead eyes. I pull my knife, and stick it through the side of its skull. I'm a coward. I don't even have the balls to kill myself. Alice's acceptance letter falls from my jacket. I sigh watching it fly away and realize, it's the only thing I have of her. Some fucking stupid letter with her name on it. I hurry after it, trying to catch it. Fucking ri-goddamn-diculous. I scoop it up once it finally gets caught against one of the trees. "Oh my fucking god." I'm paralyzed. I stand here for what seems like an eternity, clutching the letter tight.

"Sir?" Marshall calls for the fourth time.

"Marshall, take the truck and go get Alice."

"She's not going to come with me."

"Tell her that Tara and Dwight are hurt."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Marshall, do **not** make me have to repeat myself. Hurry before she leaves for the Safe-Zone!"

...

I'm still in the exact same spot when Marshall returns with Alice.

"What is this?" Alice demands, when she sees Tara and Dwight.

The hatred in her eyes for me puts a knot in my stomach.

"Tara and Dwight are not in danger. Marshall, you deceived me," Alice yells.

I reach for her shoulder. "Alice-"

"Don't **touch** me!" She puts her hand on her vest by the pocket where her knives are.

Words won't do anything. I extend my hand outward, pointing east.

She quickly shifts her eyes to the side, then turns her head. Her eyebrows relax as she takes in a sharp breath. "Charli," Alice stammers.

The redhead turns around as her blue eyes lock with Alice's. There is no possible way she could have heard Alice because I barely heard it. She dashes for Alice, coming up the hill.

Alice, unlike Charli, is rooted in place. It's like she doesn't know how to react.

"Alice," Charli cries.

She lets out a loud sob and frees herself from her spot, lunging at Charli. Her arms wrap around the redhead.

"Oh my god," Charli shrills.

Alice ends up taking Charli to the ground from the forceful hug as she sobs into her sister's curly hair.

"It's just like you not to say anything," Charli laughs.

"I have spent the last one thousand four hundred and ninety eight days searching for you."

"You would keep track of the days. I love you so much," Charli cries.

"I love you, Charli."

"You- you do?"

"I'm a fool for not expressing it sooner."

"You're just stubborn like Daddy."

"Let me look at you." Alice inspects her hands and face.

"I'm fine," she giggles. "You worry too much."

Charli's group has made it up the hill by now. Two younger women are accompanied by a man in his mid-forties. "I'm Bryan," the man introduces himself.

"Bryan?" Alice's face twists with confusion.

**Bryan**. He's the one who traded for her sister at the RV park.

"Bryan saved me from these fucking-"

"Charline Kennedy, watch your mouth," Alice scolds.

"Yeah, you must be Alice," Bryan chuckles, running his hand across his short brunet buzzed hair.

I fold my arms, looking the six foot three, two hundred and twenty pound man over.

"We've been together for three years." Charli shows Alice the ring on her finger. "I know what you're thinking, there's a twenty five year age gap between us, but I love him."

"Congratulations."

"Really? You're not going to lecture me?"

"The age gap is of no concern to me. What matters is that he treats you well and you are happy."

"Sis," Bryan smirks, pulling her into an oversized hug.

I clench my fist together as my knuckles turn white. Don't fucking put your hands on her!

Alice keeps her hands to her side. "Please release me."

I grab Alice by her vest and pull her back some, putting myself between the two of them.

"Okay," Bryan laughs, putting his hands up and taking a step back.

"Don't touch her, Baby," Charli whispers.

My eyes jolt down.

Alice's hand is in mine.

"Sorry," Bryan tells her.

"I can't believe, after all this time, we've found each other," Charli says.

I can't fucking believe it either. Just like I can't believe Alice is still clutching my hand. What are the chances that I'd find her sister? Everything fell into place so perfectly, leading up to this exact moment.

Alice's sole reason for survival finally stands in front of her. She lets go of my hand, wiping Charli's tears away. "It's alright," she assures her.

D- Does this mean our time has come to an end? I suppose it does. I really thought the purpose of all this was so Alice and I could build a life together. Like we'd overcome this shit and live happily fucking ever after. Now I see that's all bullshit. Turns out, my purpose was to find her sister. All this shit that's happened the last few months is so I'll have the strength to let her go. The truth is, I don't. I don't want to fucking lose Alice. I need her, but I guess this isn't about me. I sink my hands in my pockets and head back to the truck. Alice will have no reason to come back to Sanctuary other than getting her stuff, if she doesn't already have it. I thought that not being able to say goodbye to someone you care for would be the worst feeling possible. I'm wrong. It's saying goodbye that hurts. I **won't** fucking do it. It doesn't stop me from taking her in one last time. That beautiful ivory skin. I miss her silence already. "Goddammit," I murmur, before shutting the door.

...

I put my hands on my head, elbows on my knees as I sit hunched over on my couch. Fuck, I fucking hate this! I see her boots step in front of me. Oh, Christ. This is it. The conversation that she's leaving. I take my hands from my face, but keep my head down. I can't look at her or I'll lose it. Goddammit, why is this happening?

She just stands there, quiet, petrified.

I'm not saying a fucking thing. We'll be here in silence all fucking night. I'm so fucking mad at her, yet I have no reason to be. This is my fault. This is what I get for **always** thinking with my dick. I would give my left fucking arm for her to give me another chance.

"I apologize for barging in."

"Those rules don't apply to you, you know this, Alice."

"Do you have a moment to talk?"

"I ain't doing anything else, obviously."

"Will you look at me when I speak to you?"

"No."

"Please?"

I shake my head no.

She's quiet for a bit before she sniffs up her nose.

Fuck, I don't want my last memory of her in tears. Alice steps closer, getting between my legs as I sit up at the same time.

She wraps her arms around me. "I'm truly sorry, Negan," she sobs into my neck.

I let out the breath I've been holding since the day everything went to shit. She's... sorry?

"Don't resent me for pushing you away," she cries.

I look up at the ceiling, sighing relieved. Never in my life would I have thought I'd be so grateful for a hug. I hold her by the back of her head and lower back. "I fucked up, Alice. This is on me, not you. Please don't fucking go. Please," I beg, holding her tighter.

"My place is here."

"Do you really fucking mean that?"

"I do. I miss the way things were. I miss us. I miss you."

"I miss you so fucking much." We've lost so much time, but I see so clearly now how we needed it. The things we've had to endure, anyone else wouldn't have made it. We'll pick up where we left off and be alright. She's practically strangling me, and I don't care. My hands run up and down her back. She's not wearing that fucking vest. It's one more way I know she's serious. I have never wanted this woman more than I do right now.

"You told me that I could leave, that I didn't have to be a wife, but I **chose** to stay. This is on me, Negan, not you. I recognize that writing that letter was probably more difficult than if you would have said something to me the night Holly was killed. I apologize for not realizing that prior."

"Don't, please don't fucking apologize to me, Alice."

"I want to put this behind us, and never discuss it further."

That's **all** I've ever wanted, it just wasn't my place to make that request. I don't deserve her mercy, but if she'll grant me it, I'll fucking take it. This is the most intimate I have ever been with another human being before. Alone, in my private world, with my arms locked tight around her. I love it.

"Were you truthful when you said I am your life?"

"Yes." I couldn't get the small word out fast enough.

She weeps into the arch of my neck.

"What is it?" I ask, running my fingers in her hair. I know that she's overwhelmed by what I've told her, but those tears mean something else. I pull her outward when she doesn't respond.

"I feel selfish."

"You have nothing to feel selfish about."

"With everything that has come to fruition, the focus has only been on me. How I'm feeling after what happened with Vic, when he recreated your most painful memory with Lucille."

"No." I shake my head. "He made my **most** painful memory. Alice, watching you on that floor while he fucking hurt you- it- goddammit," I choke, running my hand down my face. I haven't actually cried since I lost my mother, but this might just fucking break me. I try to be strong for Alice, and not let her see that side of me. Try and gather my thoughts so I can finish a fucking sentence. "Fuck! Never again, Alice." I wipe the tears from my face and stare back at her. "Tell me that you fucking believe me when I promise you that another man will **never** touch you again. That's how I can put all this shit behind me. **That** is how I heal."

"I believe that you will die before you let it happen."

"You're **goddamn** **fucking** right I **will**." I yank her by the wrist, moving her against me and forcefully press my lips to hers.

She heaves a surprised breath.

I find it surprising that this is my first instinct, too. I'm sure it isn't pleasurable to her because I'm too goddamn aggressive as I deepen the kiss, but all this tension needed some kind of release. I like commanding her attention. Her full attention. She's not as nervous as I thought she'd be and even grabs me by my nape. For once, my mind isn't in a million fucking places. When she starts to pull away, I grab the back of her thighs and have her straddle me. "Not yet," I breathe ragged against her lips before I reclaim them again. Neither of us know what the hell we're doing. We're clumsy and rough with each other. This is long overdue. I slide my hands up her legs and curl my fingers around her hips. I'm not too gentle as I force her to the couch, and she hits her head on the wooden arm. I only break our kiss to apologize.

She's completely unfazed by it, grabbing the lapels of my jacket.

I shake it to the floor, before I stretch across her, careful not to crush her small frame. Fuck, I want to rip that muted gray shirt open so I can put my mouth on every inch of her, but for now, my lips against hers will do. Of all the things I've wanted to put between them, never did I think my tongue would be one, and I fucking love it. Her leg slides up my hip, so I move between them, my arousal pressing against her.

It startles her. "I- I don't think I'm ready."

"I don't expect you to be. I just can't really help my, uh," I clear my throat, "situation."

"Does it hurt?"

"Being hard? No. Against my jeans it's uncomfortable, though."

"Shall we stop?"

"I will do this all fucking night." I see her smile briefly before I kiss her again.

Her fingers knot the back of my hair.

I've never had anyone do this, mostly because I'm so goddamn anal about my hair. I run my hand up the middle of her shirt, between her breasts, and to her neck as I hold her by it.

"Slower, please?"

I release my hand instantly, kissing her neck where my fingers were. "I'm sorry," I murmur, soft and hoarse as I look this woman underneath me up and down. I know the two of us have a long road ahead, but, fuck, at least we're **finally** on the same fucking path again. I sit down on the couch and move her back into my lap.

"Is it over?"

Is it over? I cock my eyebrow. "Is it ov-" I shut her mouth up. Is it over? I'll fucking show her. I let out a breathed laugh against her lips. Fuck her. Is it fucking over? Give me a goddamn break. We've got to work on her communication skills before her idea of asking for foreplay is, 'I require assistance.' Yeah, I'll fucking **assist** her. I decide to have a little fun with this woman. "Do you want it to be over?"

She shakes her head no in response, nervous blues looking back at me.

I curl my fingers around her tie, easing her to me. As I lean in to kiss her, I move past her lips to her ear.

She lets out a hot breath against my neck.

My twisted smirk widens against her ear, before dragging my tongue up it.

The faintest moan leaves her lips as she becomes embarrassed.

I'd laugh if I didn't think it would shy her away from giving me another one of those little moans. I run the tips of my fingers down her neck unbearably slow, watching her response. As her heavy eyes start to open back up, I pull her into another heated kiss like I'm devouring her. She has no idea the kind of pleasure I could bring her, nor have I ever wanted to bestow that on someone. I'm very selfish in the bedroom, but I'd do anything she wants. Anything for another one of these.

A tiny whine escapes her.

Fuck yes. Fuck me. I snicker maniacally against her lips.

She moves away, hanging her head before she apologizes.

I wish she could understand she's allowed to indulge in human emotion. Allowed to enjoy pleasure, but I understand, and I know that I can be overbearing at times. I give her a hug, resting my cheek on her shoulder. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting." She thanks me, which upsets me. I hate that these men have polluted her idea of sex and intimacy. That they've taken something sacred from her.

"I better return to Charli." Her cheeks are still flush.

"Aww," I pout. I don't wanna fucking let go of this woman, but she gets off my lap. At least I know, this time, it's not for good. That when I wake up tomorrow, I won't have to catch that glimpse of her ghost on the catwalk.

She notices my dumb grin, but doesn't point it out to me. Instead, she picks up my clothes that fell from the couch and folds them back into a neat pile.

I'd tell her to stop, but I know she won't listen. That, and it keeps her here longer, even if it's for a brief moment. I follow her through the parlor, and out the doors. "So, basically, if I would have found your sister three years ago, you would have let me into your pants?"

"No, and you didn't get into my pants yet."

"Yet," I simper.

"Technicality, and Freudian slip," she reddens. "Are you, uh, going to sleep?"

"I'm gonna go fire one off before I do. Wanna show me your tits or something?"

"That's really the last thing you're going to say to me?"

"Why, want me to tuck you in?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"I am not tired."

"So come watch me."

"That stuff is private. Regardless of the circumstance, you shouldn't be so forthcoming with information like that."

"Heh, you said coming."

"I said, ugh, goodnight!"

"You weren't complaining about my mouth earlier." I saunter over to the steps. "Numbers."

She stops and lets out a sigh. "What, Negan?" Her voice is beyond irritated.

"I would have kissed you sooner if you weren't so goddamn obstinate."

She pushes her eyebrows together and seems speechless.

Oh, she liked that word coming from my mouth. I can fucking tell. "Goodnight," I wink, going back into the parlor.

* * *

 

**A/N Thank you for all the comments, kudos, and bookmarks! I get a little self-conscious with the way I portray Negan sometimes. heh.**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N This chapter will be the calm before the storm.**

* * *

**April**

* * *

"Chew with your mouth closed," Alice commands Charli.

Charli takes the most obnoxious bite. "Like this?" She leans close to Alice and opens her mouth as wide as it will go.

I can't help but laugh as I have a seat at the table.

Alice rolls her eyes.

It's funny how completely different they are. Alice is sitting up straight, while Charli is hunched over with her foot up on the chair. Alice has her food separated and not touching. I couldn't even tell you what Charli is eating because it's all smothered in ketchup. Alice makes several attempts to put Charli's hair behind her shoulder but Charli is so goddamn hyper it keeps moving back into her food.

"Alice, he keeps staring at you," Charli whispers.

"Perhaps if you kept your mouth closed, he wouldn't just have to stare at me."

"Oh, I'm pretty fucking sure I'd stare regardless."

"Oooo, you aren't getting into my sisters pants using filthy language, that's for sure," Charli giggles.

"Inappropriate," Alice snaps.

"Oh, alright," Charli pouts, pushing her food around with her fork.

"What are you two doing today?"

Charli sets her fork down. "Why? Are you coming with us?"

"Uh, I, no."

"Aww, why not?"

"He's busy, Charli. Finish your food," Alice instructs, getting up from the table and leaving the two of us.

"She always been like that?"

"Like this?" Charli sits up straight, mocking Alice's blank look. "Charline, it's so exhausting being intellectually superior to everyone else."

"Bullshit, she doesn't say that."

Charli laughs, going back to shoveling food in her mouth. "Truthfully, I prefer it this way. I like when she tells me what to do. Makes things seem normal, ya know, before everything got all fucked up."

"I like it when she's bossy, too."

"How long have you two been fucking?"

I choke on my food.

"Yeah, you're not really her type."

"What's her type?" I ask, trying to catch my breath.

Charli lets out a snicker. "I'm just fuckin' with you man!"

"I thought she told you to watch your mouth."

"I know for a fact she's told you to watch yours."

"Actually, she hasn't. As long as it's nothing sexual."

Charli takes a big bite. "She hates that kind of talk. No, wait, she dislikes that kind of talk."

"What else does she.. dislike?"

"Pfff, what's in it for me?"

I let out a chuckle. "I like the way you think."

She pushes her plate away from her. "Alice says you guys have a room where you keep your shit. You got any liquor?"

"You're out of your goddamn mind if you think I'm going to give you alcohol. You know how fucking pissed Alice would be at me?"

"That's my offer." She folds her arms.

"I have your dirt bike."

"No shit?"

"No shit."

"It doesn't run though. I can't figure it out."

"I'll help you fix it if you give me what I want."

Charli perks up, dropping her arms. "Deal," she smiles. "What do you want to know?"

"What does she like to do?"

"Read. Like, a lot. Uh, she's always wanted to go to the Smithsonian of American History. Pizza. She can eat an entire pizza by herself."

"Museum? That sounds boring as fuck."

"It **is** boring as fuck. It's a Museum," Charli laughs.

"So, what does she dislike?"

"Everything."

"If you want me to fix this dirt bike, you better start being real specific."

"Okay, okay. She doesn't like to talk about herself. She hates children. Well, actually, I think they scare her. Doesn't like clutter. Hates music, well any kind of loud noise really. She-"

"Whoa, stop right there. Hates music?"

"Yeah, what the fuck right? Who doesn't like music?"

"I don't like music."

"Why not?"

"It's a subconscious thing. It reminds me of bad shit."

"That's how it is for her, too."

"What happened?"

Charli looks paranoid over her shoulder, then back at me. "My dad was real fucked up because my mom died, right? When he'd come home from the mines, he wanted nothing to do with us, so he'd go into his room and put on the record player. Alice said that she could hear his cries over it."

"You guys were children for fuck's sake."

"He wasn't a cruel man to her. He taught Alice how to throw knives. I started racing after I saw him tinker with a bike."

"To her? Does that mean he was cruel to you?"

"He blamed me for my mother's death."

"Jesus. That's fucking sick."

"It's okay, I understand it now. It brought Alice and me closer. Look at how she is. She would have been a wall if she didn't take care of me, and with a father that didn't care, I could have been really fucked up. I don't feel sorry for myself."

She sounds like me with my dad. "How did he die?"

Charli makes a gun with her hand. "He put a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out. Blam! What a pussy!"

"Fuck."

"Seriously though, that was the most fucked up day ever. Alice called 911, but all the lines were busy. Something didn't seem right, ya know? Helicopters were all over the place. When we heard gun shots, that's when we turned on the news thinking it was riots or something. Well, ya know the rest."

"I didn't own a TV, but I watched it first hand at the bar between these two guys. Three quarters into a bottle I thought it was a fucking joke. Needless to say, I sobered up real fucking fast."

"I guess it's inevitable really seeing as we're all infected."

"You better get going before your sister kicks both of our asses. Come see me when you're done, we'll fix that bike."

"For the record, Alice said," her face goes blank, "you're a good kisser."

I perk right up. "She said that?"

"Charline," Alice calls from across the cafeteria.

"Oh, no, full name. Gotta go. See ya tonight!"

My eyes shift over to Alice. Fuck yeah.

Alice looks over her shoulder, giving me a soft smile before the girls leave.

...

This bike is a fucking nightmare. There's parts that don't even belong. No wonder the shit doesn't work right.

"Ready to bend me over that bike, big boy?" Charli asks rather seductive, biting her lip. "I thought about you all day, covered in grease."

"Uh." I hit my head on the handle bars as I stand up, knocking the bike over. "Fuck," I grunt.

She can't contain her laughter. "I'm fuckin' with you, oh my god." She wraps her arms around herself, continuing to cackle. "I got you fuckin' good, your face was like, what the fuck, Charli?"

"Fucking hilarious." I rub the top of my head. Mother fuck me, I'm looking at the female version of myself as she throws herself about. Now I see why Alice has always put up with my shit. "You sure we ain't related?"

"Alice says I remind her of you, but I just don't see it."

"It's been a weird last couple of days, I haven't really been myself."

"It's been a weird couple of years honestly."

"Get over here so we can fix this bike."

...

Something falls on the ground.

I reach under the bike and get it. It's a pocket watch.

"I'm going to break this damn thing." Charli opens it up to make sure it still works. "Yes," she whispers.

"Strange for a woman to carry one of those."

"I don't care about that shit. This thing is good luck!"

"Whatever you say."

"This sounds strange, but sometimes I think Alice is just waiting for me to misplace it so she can take it. I'm telling you, it's good luck."

"You know Alice isn't the superstitious type. She just wants the gears out of it."

"What? Oh, Jesus, now it's gears?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ever since I can remember, Alice has always had collections of junk. Stamps, bread ties, soda tabs. She likes things that are small."

"Of course she does. They're easily hidden that way."

"True, I never thought about that."

"I want to tell you something, but you have to promise not to say anything."

"I tell Alice everything. She's my best friend."

Maybe it's for the better.

"Oh, alright, but, if it's something that's going to hurt her, I'm going to get really pissed. Don't fuck with a redhead. For your safety."

"Charli, I'm fucking serious. There's something mentally not right about Alice. It worries me."

"The tics?"

"Yeah, tics. I asked her about them, but she said she'd prefer not to discuss them."

"I know. She'll deny it if you point them out. Truthfully, I wouldn't worry. The compulsions are normal to her, even though it's difficult for us to watch or understand."

"What can I do for her?"

"It's nothing that you can cure, okay? Don't make her feel like she has to hide it from you, and whatever you do, don't point them out to her. The fact that you notice them enough to be concerned shows that Alice trusts you, and can be herself around you. I can't imagine what it's like for her inside her head. The constant counting, over and over. Sometimes I wonder if that's why she gets that blank stare."

"What's the number four?"

"Four?"

"She has nightmares about it."

"She was four when our mom died."

"I don't think that's it. Alice doesn't seem to have an emotional connection with anyone but you. I watched the way she talked to your dad's grave, and it was really cold."

Charli doesn't respond.

At first, I thought maybe she was upset about me bringing up her mom. "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head no. "Okay, maybe I don't tell her everything," she sighs. "Alice told me that you killed the men that broke into our house. Thank you, Negan. I'll never forget that day. Alice made me promise not to come out until she said. I saw everything they did to her. She didn't fight them, or cry. She didn't make a sound. I know she did that for me, so I wouldn't be scared, but the truth is, I have never been more scared in my life. Seven men had their way with her. There was one man that stood there and watched the whole thing, and when they were done, he took his cigarette from his mouth and put it out on her stomach. He kept it on there until she gave him a reaction. When she started to cry, that's when he raped her, too. Alice doesn't know I saw this, don't ever tell her, please. She knew what was going to happen to her, but she didn't hesitate." Charli starts to cry. "Fuck," she chokes embarrassed, wiping her tears away. "I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to try and get some sleep now."

I start to pat her shoulder, but bring my hand back. "Look, uh, I ain't so good with this feeling shit, but you can talk to me if you need to." I hate hearing about this shit, but I know it's not something I can act oblivious to if I'm going to be a part of Alice's life, and I guess Charli's, too.

"Talk? Have you met Alice? We're not exactly so good at it, either."

It makes me laugh. "My little stoic fuck."

"Wow, that's a great term of endearment for her."

"It's better than calling her an arrogant dick."

"She is an arrogant dick, okay, that's funny. What kinda name are you gonna give me?"

"I don't know, let me think about it."

"Well, don't keep me waiting too long. Night, stinky."

"I don't stink!" I smell my shirt. Okay, maybe I do.

"He actually smelled himself," she laughs as she leaves the room.

* * *

"Negan?"

"Hold on, I'll be out in a minute," I tell Rachel.

"There's a, uh, well, a kid out here to see you."

"Don't condescend me like I'm still wearing diapers," Carl tells her.

I'm still laughing even when I open the door. "What the fuck do you want?"

"I have your loaf of bread. Can we talk?"

"I don't know, **can** we?" I tease after what Alice told him.

"I still wanna kill you, you know."

"Bullshit. Get in here." I point at my chair, shutting the door.

"Alice doesn't sleep with you?"

"I told you I sleep alone. What do you want?"

"I'm sorry," he dryly tells me, having a seat.

"For what?"

"I read the letter you wrote to Alice. You know, as like a precaution. I knew how much it would hurt her giving her the letter, so I kept it to myself."

"Just waiting for the right time?"

"No. I had planned on throwing it away. That night she stayed with us, I asked her what she saw in you. Why she chose someone like you."

"Glad to know I've got your blessing."

He rolls his eye. "She said she admired your honesty, and wished that she was more open with you from the start. That's why I gave her the letter. I figured she'd appreciate it, but she was so angry. Some time passed, and she came to see me again. I asked how things were. She said she wanted to leave Sanctuary, and come live at the Safe-Zone. I told her that she needed to reconsider, to talk to you, and try and work things out."

"You do that for me?"

"No. I mean, I guess I did it for the both of you. I don't know. She reconsidered though I see."

"She was packing her things to leave to go to the Safe-Zone, but I found her sister. Things kind of fell into a different perspective after that."

He scoots to the edge of the chair. "Y-you found Charli?!"

"Yeah."

"Dammit," he sighs, folding his arms.

"What's that stink eye for?!"

"I wanted to be the one to find her."

"Why don't you fucking give me this one?"

"Yeah, alright. You do need all the help you can get."

"Fuck you, kid," I laugh.

He cracks a smile and gets off the chair. "Which room is Alice's?"

While he's with Alice, I leave to find Rick. I need to talk to him about this Syndicate group.

Rick isn't happy. "Where's Carl?"

"Settle the fuck down. He's with Alice. Look, we need to talk about some serious shit for a minute." I have a seat across from him. "I found a few men not too far from here. I'll say it again in case you weren't listening. **Not too far** **from here**. They told me about a group called the Syndicate." As I go on to tell him about them, Rick looks overly concerned, like maybe he's already had a run-in with them.

"You give any more thought to what I said? About working together?"

We're joined by Alice and Carl.

"No. I'll have a meeting with my men. See what they think about it."

"Negan, it's survival, it's what this has always been about. There shouldn't be anything to talk about with your men, it should just be an obvious answer, but I can see it's because there's no trust."

"Alright, Prick, you want to work together? You want to fucking hold dicks and skip into the sunset? Let's see how the Asian kid's wife feels about our newly joined alliance. You wanna ask her or should I? Your people want me dead. Your son wants me dead." I point out the gates of Sanctuary. "I count two snipers, and you want trust?" I take hold of Alice's arm. "Here's your goddamn trust right here. Month after month when she leaves to see Carl and I sit outside waiting for her like a fucking dog to return. Fuck you, Rick, you motherfucker. Talk to me about trust, fucking bullshit," I bark, going back inside. "Carson," I yell. "Call a meeting."

...

"Here's the fucking deal. I don't know how shit went down while I was locked up, but Rick proposes we go back to it. I think we're just fucking fine on our own, but we should decide as a group."

"Fuck them," Connor yells.

"Now just wait a fucking second," Dwight speaks up. "Connor, you of all people know we couldn't have survived if it hadn't of been for Rick. I think we should consider it."

Tara folds her arms. "What if they fucking poison our food?"

Carson rolls his eyes. "Can we try and act like adults?"

"Hey, that's a valid fucking concern!" Fuck, something else to worry about.

"May I interject?" Alice stands up from the table. "I'm at an advantageous position being that I've seen both sides. I do not believe Rick to have malicious intentions in proposing a trade-"

"Can we get a fucking translator or something? Negan, what the fuck is she rambling on about?" Connor interrupts.

I kick him in his side. " **Don't** be fucking rude."

Alice shoots Connor a glare. "Rick. Good," she condescends him.

"Fuck this, I really don't give a goddamn what we do." Connor stands up to leave, holding his side.

"Sit the fuck down," I order him.

Harlan clears his throat. "Alice is right, as you all know, I have also seen this war from both sides. I think that Rick needs us just as much as we need him."

"We don't fucking need him," Connor yells.

Marshall shakes his head.

Carson looks over at Connor. "Perhaps you'd like to spend a day doing inventory with me? Then you can see who needs who."

Tara leans over the table. "Why is Connor the only one saying what everyone is thinking? I never thought I'd see the fucking day where I'd side with him, but have you all forgot what those people are fucking capable of?"

"Thank you," Connor claps.

"Stop it," Seth tells her.

She sits back down in her seat. "Excuse me?"

"This is obviously a complete fucking waste of time," Dwight sighs.

"This is important to me, goddammit," I yell. "I want you to take it fucking seriously! I could have fucking avoided all this bullshit and just sided with Rick or told him to fuck off, but I didn't, because I wanted your fucking opinion. If you all are going to act like pussies then I'm calling the shots, and when you don't fucking like it, don't goddamn bitch to me about it. Everyone get the fuck out. Now!" I rub my forehead, slouching in the chair. "Bunch of fucking children."

Alice pulls my hand away from my face and has a seat in my lap.

I let out a breathed laugh. "This is kind of nice."

"Nice?"

"Yeah. You know, like I'm fucking enjoying your company."

She tilts her head some as her eyes trail my face before stopping on my brow. "Tell me what is troubling you."

I heave a heavy sigh. "Do you think we can ever truly co-exist?"

"My opinion is that tragedy will bond us."

"Yeah, I think so, too. This Syndicate group might just do that."

"While they seem dangerous in numbers, perhaps we should take into consideration that they are trying to find a cure. Eugene and I talked about undead mannerisms and I know that I have charted undead patterns, but until now, I've never known anyone to try and find a cure. Even if we killed every undead, eventually, an outbreak would start again. All it takes is one person to perish, attack another, and it recycles itself. It will never cease, unless we find a vaccine."

"I like when you say smart shit." I raise my eyebrows up and down. "Wanna take me back to your room?"

"You know I don't."

"Please," I pout.

"I don't take your immature responses seriously."

"Al-fucking-right, guess I'm jerking off then."

"Wash your hands," she says, getting off me, and leaving the room.

Wash my fucking hands. This fucking woman.

* * *

"Loser?"

"I'm insulted only because I know you can do better than that." Charli hands me a wrench.

"I got one. Callow. I'll call you callow."

"Ugh, you've been hanging around Alice too much."

"Oh, I've struck a nerve?"

"Shut up."

I simper, starting the dirt bike.

"Oh, hell yes!"

"Go get your sister, meet me outside."

...

Alice isn't sold.

"Please? We worked really hard on it for the last month!"

"What happens when you fracture a limb?"

"I don't know, I'm not a doctor!"

"I don't find your reply amusing, nor have you convinced me."

"I'll wear a helmet!"

"Try harder."

Charli shrugs her shoulders. "Guess it just reminds me of how things used to be is all."

Alice drops her arms and sighs.

"Yes! Thank you so much," Charli screams, hugging Alice.

"Please be careful."

"I will, I promise." Charli kisses her on the cheek and runs to her bike.

Alice walks over to me.

"I'll take care of her."

"I know you will."

"Come with us."

"No, I- no." Alice takes a step back and looks at Charli. "Helmet!"

"Oh, right, sorry."

Alice nervously knots her fingers in front of her, before she turns back inside.

Charli speeds off.

"Oh, shit." Am I in way over my fucking head?

...

"Oh, fuck," Charli yells, flipping over her handle bars.

I almost have a goddamn aneurysm. "Are you okay? Holy fuck!"

"There's so much blood!"

"Fuck!" I run over to her.

She's laughing on the ground.

I slap her bloody skinned knee.

"Ow, shit!"

"That's what you fucking get!"

"Lucky for me you hit like a bitch!"

"Like I said. Callow."

"Oh, fine," she pouts, proving my point.

"Let's check out that house over there. See if we can find anything good."

"Carry me."

"I'm not carrying you."

"You assaulted me!"

"Thought I hit like a bitch?"

"Yeah, true. Alright, let's go."

I have her wait outside while I check the house. "Alright, doofus, all clear."

"Thanks, meathead."

"See if you can find a backpack or something to put shit in."

Charli pulls a display off the wall, letting it break by dropping it on the floor. She pulls something out of it. "Pointe shoes! Oh, yes! Alice will be so stoked!"

"What are those for?"

"Dancing, duh."

I try to contain my rude laughter. "Yeah, fucking right. She told me she didn't know how to dance."

"There's other forms of dancing besides grinding against a pole ya perv and that's my sister you're talking about."

"Heh," I rub the back of my neck. "What kind of dancing does she do?"

"Ballet."

"What?"

"She never told you she was in ballet? She's actually really good at it."

Flexible. Fuck yeah. "I gotta get her to show me sometime."

"Still here. And still my sister you're talking about."

"Pff, you can't take me."

"Try me, bitch."

I laugh, grabbing my knees. "You Kennedy girls are something fucking else."

...

"Okay, here's some fuckin' lame backpack I found to put stuff in. Floss, toothpaste, antibiotics, first aid kit, four bars of soap, two rolls of toilet paper, nail clippers, and one rubber ducky." She squeezes it.

"The fuck is that for?"

"That cute little boy of Amber's. Oh gosh, I can't wait until Bryan and I have kids!"

Alice is going to love that. "Here." I put a bottle of whisky in her bag.

"Hell yes."

"That's mine."

"Bullshit! Thought it went into the supply closet?"

"Let's ask who's in charge. Oh, wait, that would be me."

"Whatever," she mumbles.

The front door flings open, and two men step inside. Guns are raised at us. "We're taking your bikes."

"The hell you are," Charli yells.

"You can come with us," one of them responds, grabbing her arm.

If there's one thing I've learned, you don't threaten people. You fucking shoot them if you point a gun their way. Otherwise, you end up like this sorry fuck. I break his arm for touching her and bend it back so hard, his bones pop out.

"Gnarly," Charli's eyes widen.

I move Charli behind me. I'm lucky because the other man only has two bullets left in his gun, which by the look on his face, he didn't expect. "You cocksucker." I grab him by the back of his hair.

"Holy shit, you're going to get it now," Charli yells.

"You think I'm going to **let** you threaten me you piece of shit?" Fuck! I have waited a long time for this. A chance to get out some of my aggression on another human being.

The other man reaches for his gun.

Charli steps on his arm where the bones have come out. "It's okay, I got this prick," she laughs, applying more force to his arm.

"Go outside," I tell her.

"What?"

"Now," I yell. I kill the first man by bludgeoning his face in. I tie the other man to the recliner. "Guess you know what happens now."

He looks nervously down at the other man, awaiting his fate. "P-please!"

"Fuck. You." I'm bleeding pretty bad, hoping Charli is as medically inclined as Alice.

"Oh, shit!" Her wide eyes look my shoulder over.

I'll take that as a no. "Here," I grunt, handing her the backpack. My adrenaline is starting to go, and now it's just pain. I've had bullets graze me, but I don't ever remember being shot. It burns, and every time I move my arm, I'm reminded they're in there.

"Thank you," Charli sighs, hugging me. "Ya know, Alice is going to be really grateful when she finds out. Like, really, **really** grateful."

"I don't want some sympathy fuck."

"Yeah right, don't act like you'll turn her down."

"I never said that."

We hear the man I tied to the chair start to scream.

"I like the way you think, too," she laughs.

"Look, if it's all the same, I'd rather Alice didn't know." What if he had more ammunition? I hate that in our world, you can't let your guard down for a second. Fuck, what am I even saying? Shit has always been like this.

"You okay?"

"Let's get back."

...

I look the entry wounds over in the mirror, then move the bandage back when my door opens. Fuck. So much for Alice not knowing. I have a seat on the couch as she joins me.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine."

"Do you require assistance getting your shirt back on?"

"No. I'm going to sleep."

Alice gets on her knees and helps me out of my boots.

It adds to my irritation. I feel emasculated right now. I also keep thinking, what if there had been more bullets?

"Thank you for protecting Charli."

"Just stop with that shit."

"Do you think I'm upset with you?"

"You should be. Things could have been very fucking different right now."

"They're not."

"Go spend time with your sister. I want to be alone."

She starts to leave, but turns on the ball of her heel. "No." Her intense eyes stare back at me. "Why are you being so combative?"

"I'm embarrassed." I admit that easier than I expected.

She stands before me now. "That is not my intention, but I will leave."

"No, wait. Now I don't want you to fucking go." I pull her by the thighs onto my lap.

Alice carefully removes the bandage from my shoulder, checking my wounds. "You need to keep it clean."

"It hurts." Yet another thing easily confessed, but I feel shameful about it.

"I know."

I rub the spot on her leg where she was shot when we first met. "I'm sorry that I treated you like shit."

"Stop."

"No, I want to fucking talk about this."

She takes her hand from me. "I don't. Having regrets doesn't change this moment right now. That's what you fail to realize matters."

I pull her against me so she can lay against my other shoulder.

"This isn't necessary."

"Shut up, Alice."

"You're insufferable."

"You're goddamn insufferable. I swear, you and your sister with the name calling."

"Did she hurt your feelings? I didn't realize you were so sensitive."

"I like you better when you don't talk."

"What a coincidence. I like **you** better when you don't talk."

I don't move her, even well after she falls asleep. She has more of those fucking horrible nightmares that I wake her from, then she's back to being Alice before she dozes off again. Luckily she's light, so I can carry her back to her room with one arm.

"Alice," Charli calls half awake.

"Go back to sleep, dingus." I set Alice down in her bed.

Charli touches my arm for a moment. "Good night, Negan."

"Yeah," I smirk, pulling the blanket over her, too.

* * *

Is that music I hear? Can't be. Who the fuck would be on the roof? As I start up the balcony stairs, I hear Charli talking.

"You'll get it. You haven't danced in years. You have great form, though."

"Muscle memory."

"Do the spin thingy."

" _Fouetté_?"

"If I knew the shit, I wouldn't call it a thingy."

"Watch your mouth!"

"Sorry." Charli flashes her a smile. "Please?"

My eyebrow raises as I watch Alice spin effortlessly on one foot, on her toes. Holy shit, how the fuck?

"Yeah, it looks beautiful, especially when you keep turning."

I need to fucking leave before I start thinking about how flexible she is again.

...

"Ow, fucking ow," I groan.

"Hold fucking still," Sherry yells.

"Shouldn't Nicole be changing my bandages?"

"I'm not going to bother her with something so trivial."

"So me being shot is something trivial? I could have fucking died you know."

"I'm pretty sure the statistics of people dying from a bullet wound to the shoulder are pretty low."

"Twice! I was shot twice!"

"Oooo."

"Whatever, fuck you."

She starts to laugh. "You are such a baby. I don't know how Alice puts up with your shit."

"She usually just walks away."

"Hmm, maybe I should try that."

"No!" I hook my finger through the loop of her jeans, pulling her back.

She laughs, sitting on my knee.

"I don't really know why she puts up with my shit."

"I can't help but laugh when she just spaces out."

"It's infuriating."

"It's cute."

"The spacing out? How is that fucking cute?"

"Because the two of you complement each other. She brings a different side out of you. You teach her how to be more human like, less robotic."

"Sherry, you don't know what Alice has been through. Don't call her a fucking robot."

"I didn't mean it like that."

The balcony door opens and in runs Charli. "Hey, ball bag!"

"Charline," Alice snaps.

I snicker at Charli. "Full name."

"Tch, whatever." She marches from the parlor.

Alice stands by the lounge with her hands folded in front of her. "Is it infected?"

Sherry gets off me. "No, I was just changing out his bandages."

"Very well." Alice leaves the parlor.

"Awkward," Sherry says nervously.

"Why is it fucking awkward?"

"I was in your lap."

"Alice doesn't give a shit about stuff like that."

"Every woman does."

"I guess lucky for you she's a robot."

She slaps my shoulder.

"Fuck! Fuck!"

"I didn't say that!"

"Damn, woman! Go get Alice to help me. You're too fucking mean." Fuck, I'd take Charli at this point.

"I'm done."

"What if the shit doesn't heal right because of your abuse?"

"You are so fucking dramatic."

"Pour me a drink."

"I think you should slow down on your drinking. Every week it seems like there's one more bottle. You only used to drink on occasion."

"Sherry, just pour me a goddamn drink."

"No."

"Fine, I'll fucking do it."

"Negan, I'm serious!"

"Don't treat me like I'm some fucking alcoholic!"

"Do what you want. You're good at that."

"Fuck off."

"Fuck you."

"Fine, fuck me. How fucking dare you imply I'm some fucking drunk!" I take the bottle to my room and slam the door.

* * *

My shoulder is still pretty fucked. Luckily for me, there's plenty of mundane shit to do around Sanctuary.

"Stop it," Molly laughs, slapping my hand away from her basket.

"What?" I grin devilishly.

"You're eating the strawberries faster than I can pick them!"

"They're fucking good!"

"What are you even doing in the greenhouse?"

"Oh," I groan. "I'm a lia-fucking-bility."

"Another fire escape injury?"

"Gunshots."

"Bummer. Hey, do you know anything about the man dressed in all the tactical gear?"

"His name is Vasquez."

"I tried talking to him, but he just walked off."

"He can't talk."

"Just my luck."

I give her a breathed laugh. "He doesn't even take that shit off. How do you know what he looks like?"

"I don't care about that, it's sexy. Part of the mystique. Even better now that I know he can't talk."

I forgot Connor said that she's a freak in bed. I'd volunteer Alice to interpret, but there's no telling what would come out of this woman's mouth.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"No, I don't."

"Alice. She wears the tactical stuff. It's sexy, right?"

"Wait. How do you know about Alice and me?"

"Sherry and I gossip when she helps me."

"As much as fucking a cop is at the top of my list of fantasies, it's not the outfit that does it for me."

"Sherry says she's really prude though."

"Alice gets uncomfortable by- why are we talking about this?"

"Ugh, I don't know because you're the last person's sex life I care about."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't find you attractive. You're **too** big. I'd feel like you're smothering me."

"First off, I don't fuck in the missionary position. Second, fuck you."

"Well, damn, don't take offense to it just because I'm not into you."

I don't know why I even care. I don't care! Or do I? This is fucking with my head. "I-" I hurry from the greenhouse, and through Sanctuary up to Alice's room, flinging her door open.

They are on the bed looking over old photos.

"Alice, am I **too** big?"

"Weirdo," Charli murmurs.

Alice moves her hand out to hush Charli. "In what context?"

"It's not a fucking multiple choice question. Forget I even asked." I slam the door shut.

It swings back open. "Don't you ever disrespect me like that," Alice yells.

I turn around but keep my distance.

"Out," Alice demands.

"Oooo, you're in trouble," Charli snickers as she walks past me.

Alice points in her room.

I have a seat on her bed. "You had to fucking think about it. What context? What do you think I mean?"

"My intention was to derail the conversation from anything sexual seeing as my sister was right beside me. Don't attack me because you're insecure. I told you, it doesn't suit you."

I lower my head some. "So I'm feeling a little fucking insecure." I know that she doesn't want to have sex because of everything that happened to her, but it messes with my head sometimes. Makes me question whether or not she's even really all that attracted to me. Before her, I didn't care about shit like that. I just moved on to someone else. I can't do that now, I don't **want** to do that. I want her.

She rubs her favorite part of my arm with her thumb.

Fuck it feels good. I arch my eyebrow. It's brief, but I get her point. Especially because she doesn't provoke me in any way that I could take it as a sexual invite. "Thanks, Numbers."

* * *

I can't sleep. I'm trying to give Alice some space so she can spend time with her sister, but this sucks. An hour isn't too much to ask, right? Fuck, I feel guilty though. Okay, just an hour, then I'll leave.

Her door opens and out comes Charli. "Sir," she teases, giving me a salute. She walks down the catwalk and into another room.

"Carson, whose room is that?"

"Bryan's."

Fuck yes. I open Alice's door and my eyes widen.

She's getting undressed. "I'm not decent," she panics. She's in a lavender laced bra and panties to match.

"You look pretty fucking decent to me!" Holy fuck me!

"Close the door!"

"Oh, right."

"With you on the other side!" She grabs her sheet and covers herself.

"Sorry."

"You're not remorseful. You're still here!"

"Do you need any help?"

"I will manage."

"You wanna spend some time together or some shit?"

"Seriously? Turn around!"

"I can't see anything. You're covered up by-" I cock my head some. "You got undressed, but put your boots back on?"

Alice looks down at her feet like she forgot she was wearing the damn things. "I don't like it when my bare feet touch the floor."

"You wear those in the shower, too?" I laugh.

"No, I usually wear flip flops so I don't have to touch the floor when I get out."

"What? Are you fucking with me?"

"No! Now please turn around and let me dress!"

"You don't have to be embarrassed."

"It's inappropriate."

"How?"

"How? D- Don't you want to save seeing each other's flesh for the first time we have intercourse?"

I push my eyebrows together as my stomach sinks. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, Alice."

"I accept your apology. Now, I would appreciate it if you turned around while I changed."

I do as she asks, glad that she didn't ask me to leave. "Wanna do that kissing thing again?"

"Yes, please."

I turn around, which I'm scolded for because she's not done getting dressed. "That's your own fault." I face the door again.

"Sometimes I have to fight the urge not to assault you."

"You know that shit will just turn me on."

"We'll see how aroused you are when you're whimpering at my feet."

Holy shit! I know she meant that as a threat, but I think I just came.

"You may turn around now."

Oh, fuck, I'm about to get slapped, I know I am.

"Unbelievable," she says at my erection.

I proudly push my hips forward. Not that I expected anything, but it won't stop me from trying. I sit beside her on the bed, and slip off her boots.

She frowns when I drop them on the floor.

I, very neatly, set them against her nightstand.

"Thank you."

"When is Charli coming back?"

"She's sleeping with Bryan tonight."

I make my situation even worse by pressing my lips to hers. Yeah, so, I fucking like it. Especially because she doesn't fight me on it. I wonder if she'd let me fire one off while we did this? It feels dirty in her bed. Good.

She moves my hand whenever I brush the side of her tit with my thumb. "No."

"Christ, please, your shirt is so fucking thin."

"I'm not wearing a-"

"I know, fucking believe me, I know."

Her breathing is staggered. She's thinking about it.

I'm **this** fucking close. I look over my shoulder at the door.

"What is it?"

"I'm just waiting to be interrupted."

She laughs softly.

"Fuck! I just cock blocked myself didn't I?"

She nods her head.

I move off her, covering her up with the blanket. "It's over. In case you're wondering."

"I figured as much." She sits upward.

"You ever stick your tongue down anyone's throat before me?"

"No. I found the act to be unhygienic."

I let out a loud laugh. "Me, too."

"Oh, I'm you're first as well?"

"I told you that."

"You said no kissing between you and your wives."

"I've never put my tongue down anyone's throat, even before my wives."

"This is excellent news."

"Why?"

"I'm inexperienced at these things. Now you will not have a basis for comparison."

"You are by far the biggest fucking nerd I have ever met in my life."

"I'll take that as complementary."

"Of **course** you will." I can tell that smiling doesn't come natural to her, because she's self-conscious about it. It just makes the rare occasions she does do it even better.

* * *

"What are you doing, jerk?" I shove Charli.

"Waiting on you, crap face!"

"For what?"

"Will you take me riding today?"

"If you can convince your sister to come with."

She lets out a groan. "Don't do that to me. Ya know she's not going to go. Hey! I got an idea. She can spend some time with Bryan, get to know him, then you can take me out."

I ain't too comfortable with her spending an afternoon with some guy that's not me. Especially him. Fucker looks like he came out of a goddamn magazine.

"Please," Charli pouts her lip.

"That shit won't work on me."

She stands up straight as her face goes blank. "I require your assistance."

I laugh at her impersonation. "Alright."

"Pretty fuckin' good, huh?"

I playfully shove her again. "Watch your fucking mouth."

She slugs me back.

"Ow, goddammit."

"Pussy."

"Fuck you."

Charli throws her head back and starts to laugh. "Okay, I see it more today how we're alike."

...

"Come in," I laugh at Alice's soft knock.

"How do you always know it's me?"

"Oh, I had a hunch." I set the inventory list on the table and lean back in my chair. Before I can even ask her how her day went with Bryan, she cuts me off.

"Are you busy Sunday afternoon?"

"It's the end of the fucking world, what could I possibly be doing?"

"Uh," she blushes.

"What do you want?"

She lets out an uncomfortable whine, and starts back for the door, hurrying from my room.

I raise my brow up. "Okay..." As soon as I pick my list back up, she barges back inside my room.

"Bryan and Charli are going out Sunday and asked me to accompany them. Would you be my, uh. Will you, um." Another little whine comes out as her eyes drop.

"Like a date?"

They shoot back up as she nods. "Yes, please. Will you be my date?"

Oh, this is weird. A fucking date? And she's asking me out? That ain't how it's supposed to work.

"Never mind, I'm sorry to have asked."

"Wait just a fucking minute." I sigh, sitting up straight. "What are we doing on this date?"

She fidgets with her hands. "I'm uncertain."

"This ain't exactly my thing."

"I don't know how to be a date any more than you."

"Well, at least you won't have a basis for comparison," I mock her.

She gives me the most awkward laugh.

"Alright, I'll go if you don't ever do that laugh again."

"Thank you, have a good evening, Sir," she murmurs, running from my room.

Jesus Christ, I've never seen anyone so fucking awkward in my life. I almost feel bad. She's really that uncomfortable with human interaction? "Shit," I panic, hurrying from my room. I go down stairs and knock on Connor's door. "I need you," I tell Joanna.

"You okay? You're flush."

"I have a problem."

"What can I do?"

"Come with me." I take her to the parlor and ask Nicole and Rachel for some privacy. While they're leaving, I grab all my clothes from my armoire and drop them at Joanna's feet. "I need something to wear."

"Since when do you care what you throw on?"

"I have a, uh, a date thing with Alice and I'm going with that Bryan fuck. Did you see him?"

"How could I miss him, he's fine as fuck. Those deep blue eyes? Oh my."

"Joanna, you're not fucking helping."

"Jealous you might not be the hottest one anymore?"

"Fuck you, I know I look good."

"What does Alice like best about you?"

"I ask myself that every day."

"She's never told you she finds any part of you attractive?"

"She said my deltoids."

"What the hell is a deltoid?"

"It's this." I push my sleeve up.

"Oh, yeah, that was always my favorite thing, too," she laughs. "Well, and, you know, your dick."

"Joanna!"

"I know, calm down. Alright, so this is easy. First thing, ditch the leather jacket. It doesn't do a thing for your arms. Here," she pulls a long sleeved navy thermal from the pile. "Put it on." She dangles it outward.

"Alright, there."

"See?" She points to Rachel's mirror. "It fits tight around your arms."

"Yeah, fuck yeah." I flex my bicep as she laughs.

"Here, wear these gray pants."

"No, I hate that fucking color."

"Not about you, put the damn pants on. The dark shirt will look nice with the lighter colored pants."

"I look stupid."

"You do not, it's just not what you're used to. Now you can wear your boots, but your pants go over them. Let me clean them up a bit."

"These pants are kinda tight."

"Good, you need all the help you can."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I grab a handful of myself.

"I'm talking about your ass, or lack of it."

"Pff, I have a great ass."

"Where?"

"You women really care about asses?"

"We care about everything. Sherry can iron this stuff, after she cuts your hair and you shave."

"Sherry and I aren't speaking right now. Can't you fucking do it?"

"Fine. But I'm taking extra on Tuesday. Also, make sure your cologne isn't overpowering. Yuck, there's nothing worse. Trim your nails, too. When you come home, you walk Alice to her room, and tell her goodnight. Keep it simple. Compliment her, then leave."

"Okay, what if for like some strange reason she wants to fuck?"

"Doesn't matter. Keep your dick in your pants. Jerk off when you get back, but don't bring her back here. Promise me."

"What if she just wants to come up to the parlor for a bit?"

"Negan! Tell her you're tired and run. Run as fast as you can back up here."

"Fine. Can I get out of these stupid clothes now?"

She reaches her hand out to take back my shirt. "I have to say, I'm pretty jealous," she laughs. "Maybe one day Connor and I can join you and Alice?"

"No fucking way, this is a one-time thing." That and I know exactly what she's getting at. Connor and Joanna are swingers. I'm sure Alice would love that.

"You'll have more fun than you think."

"I can't fucking wait," I groan.

* * *

I yawn, looking at my watch. Not that I'm tired. Or that time even fucking matters. Guess I'm just a little antsy to get this shit over with.

"Women," Bryan scoffs.

"Fucking throw some shit on and let's go, goddamn," I grunt, folding my arms. I'm losing patience by the minute for this bullshit.

"Here they come." Bryan pushes himself off the truck.

"Well, it's about fucking-" My eyes widen. "Holy mother of fuck," I murmur as my lips part. She's absolutely stunning. Her hair is down. I love it down. Oh, fuck, I'm wearing tight pants. My eyes shift over to the fence. Undead, undead, think of the undead. Entrails that have been rotting in the sweltering summer heat. I clear my throat, looking back at her. Shit, it's not fucking working! Oh, goddamn, this is bad. I quickly jerk her bag from her hand, placing it by the crotch of my pants. "I'll carry that for you." Look at her feet, not her tits. She's wearing heels. Those white satin heels I liked in her closet. Fuck me, I'm going to be slapped, I know it.

"I'll drive," Bryan says, getting in his truck.

Alice looks me over, blushing once I catch her.

Be cool. "I trimmed my nails," I blurt out. Way to fucking be cool you idiot!

"Thank you for agreeing to this, Negan."

I'd respond if I could form complete fucking sentences. I didn't know it was possible for a woman to render me speechless from a stupid outfit. I open the door for her and help her climb in. My eyes move up the back of her legs. That's right, her legs. This woman wore **short** white shorts. I put her bag in my lap, hoping she doesn't take it.

Alice adjusts her necklace, before stilling her hands in her lap. It's several strands of white pearls connected by a powder blue ribbon. The ribbon matches the color of her lace shirt.

"Alice, you look absolutely beau-"

Charli turns the radio up all the way to this godawful fucking song, then starts to rap along with it complete with hand motions.

Maybe it's for the better I don't tell Alice what I'm thinking. I don't really even know what the fuck I'm doing.

"Volume," Alice reprimands Charli.

Charli pretends she doesn't hear Alice and raps even louder over the music.

God fucking help me.

...

I glance up at the building. 'Ipic.' The fuck is this shit? I become even more annoyed when I find out it's a fucking movie theater. This place is hoity toity as fuck. Now I understand why Bryan asked to use his points on the generator. We could have fucking stayed back at Sanctuary and used the projector in one of the empty rooms. Fuck me. "I gotta take a piss," I grumble. Jesus Christ, I fucking hate movies. Why the fuck do I want to watch some made up bullshit? I try to drag out my trip to the bathroom as long as I can. There's still soap in the dispensers, as well as paper towels, so I take those, grabbing any toilet paper. Well, that killed, what? Twenty minutes? I bump into Alice as she flies back on the ground. I catch her before she hits it. "What are you doing out here?"

"I gave them privacy."

"They asked you to leave?"

"No, I took it upon myself when they started to kiss."

"So, that mean we don't gotta watch that shit show?"

"I'm not terribly heartbroken. I dislike film, and as I recall, so do you. Film is roughly one hundred and twenty minutes, so we have some time."

"Good, help me scavenge what you can. This place is practically untouched."

"Yes, Sir," she replies, her heels clicking as she walks away.

I frown at the noise. Guess we're not exactly in scavenging clothes, and this wasn't really the point of us coming here.

Alice goes behind the concession counter. "The comely wife you had; Joanna. She enjoys candy, right?"

"Comely?" I start to laugh.

"It means attractive. Don't twist my words into something they are not."

"Attractive, huh?"

"Well, all your wives are beautiful."

"My last wife was the best looking, don't you agree?"

"Amber?"

I roll my eyes. "No, clueless, and she wasn't my last wife. I'm talking about my last wife. My **last** wife."

Just a blank stare.

"You!"

"Oh, no," she blushes. "I am nowhere in their league."

She's right about that. No one comes close to her, and no one ever will. Her lack of confidence is truly disappointing.

"This entire case is full of candy." She grabs one of the plastic bags before filling it up.

I think I finally have a good understanding of this kissing shit because even watching her do the most trivial of tasks makes me want to come over this counter. It's like when there's no other way to express how I feel, I just want to pull her against me. I'll never take what we have for granted again. "Alice, come with me, I want to show you something." I bring her down the street, and turn at the corner, going two more blocks. "I want you to meet someone, but, I want you to have an open mind about it. Can you do that?"

"Yes, I will do that."

I let out a sigh, already feeling a heaviness in my chest. We cross the street, cutting across the bridge. I take her into the cemetery, and to a plot.

She looks over the head stone, then takes my hand. "Oh," she whispers.

Alice is exactly the type of woman my mother would have wanted me to bring home. "I haven't been to see her in almost ten years. Guess I just never had anything that she'd be proud of until now."

"I can assure you, she was proud. You protected her, kept her safe. That was not your job."

"I didn't keep her safe. Look where she's at." I squat down and press my hand to the ground. After a while, it just got easier to convince myself that I'm the reason she died, so it became easier to keep my distance.

"I feel the same guilt as you about Charli when those men abducted us. Maybe if I could have fought them off, they wouldn't have taken her, too." Alice gives me a hug.

I guess I never thought of it like that, because I don't see how there is any possible way she could be at fault for something like that, and I guess it's the same with my mother's death. "Thank you," I tell her, standing up again.

"Do you want some time with her?"

"Yeah, wait for me by the fence." I look down at her grave, sinking my hands into my pockets.

_What's wrong, my love?_

_Why do you let him put his hands on you?_

_You let me worry about that._

_I would never hurt you._

_Come lay with me._

_The bed is bloody. It's always bloody._

_Just for a moment. I got you something._

_Mom, we can't afford this._

_Just open it, let me help you! I'm so excited!_

_It's the one I wanted!_

_I know it is._

_The ladder even goes up!_

_Wait a second, I think I have… here it is!_

_Cool!_

_What's a fireman without his helmet?_

_Think I could be a fireman when I get big?_

_You can be anything you want._

_Then I'll always be able to protect you._

"Goodbye." I run my fingers across the headstone, before I start back to Alice.

She chucks her knife across the street at an undead.

I watch her for a few minutes. After she retrieves her knife, she just stands there. It's almost like her body shuts down and she patiently waits for the next interaction. It used to sadden me, and I guess if I think too much about it, it does upset me, but I admire her. "I'm ready."

"Alright."

I grab her wrist and pull her to me. "Thank you, Alice."

"For giving you space?"

"For everything."

"No. I should be the one thanking you. You saved my life that day in the woods, and gave me one worth living."

"Don't devalue your life, Alice, not when it means so much to me."

She sighs exhausted. "You're as poor at receiving complements as I am understanding them."

I laugh so hard, it attracts undead.

"That movie theater had a bar with a few pool tables."

"What the fuck are we waiting for!?"

...

The girls are up ahead giggling. Well, Charli is giggling, while Alice is.. Alice. Charli wanted to see what stores were around here.

I'm ready to get back. It's a little too quiet, which usually means there is a herd somewhere.

"What did you do before all this?" Bryan asks.

Great, and now I gotta chat. "Mostly mechanic work."

"Bryan was a fireman for NYFD," Charli says proudly.

Of fucking course he was. Why does everything feel like a competition with him? He's the man I tried so hard to be.

"There's Karpet King, Alice," Charli snickers.

Alice lets out a disgusted sigh. "I dislike when businesses purposely spell words wrong in an attempt to be clever."

There is a lot of good places to scavenge here. I pull Alice's notebook and pen from her backpack and hand it over.

She has the same idea I do, and starts writing places down for later.

"Let's turn down this road and head back to the truck," I tell them.

"Wait!" Alice runs into a Russian food market.

I swear to Christ thirty minutes passed before she comes back out.

She seems disappointed, but what could she possibly be looking for?

"Alice, let's go see if they have stuff to do our nails," Charli says, tugging at her hand.

How much fucking longer are we going to be here?

...

I plop down on one of these tiny chairs in the jewelry shop, certain I'm going to break the damn thing, but it holds my weight.

Charli and Bryan go to the first case. She's already found something.

Alice seems unimpressed. She scans the place several times, then gasps at something in the back.

I'm surprised to see her come back with a clock rather than jewelry.

She has a seat next to me, and pulls a small case from her bag. It's full of tiny screw drivers.

Oh, right, the gears. "You're not going to get any jewelry?"

"What for?"

I give her a grin. Only she would respond with what fucking for.

"This place mostly has rings. Besides, I only wear pearl necklaces."

Fuck yeah, I'll give her a pearl necklace alright. No! Don't fucking tell her that. "Do you want some help?" Yeah. That's better. Way to think with the right head.

"Please hold this open," she instructs, handing me a satchel.

I watch her chuck the gears she finds from the clock in the satchel. "This is almost full."

She stops and turns to look at me. "I thought you didn't enjoy small talk?"

"I also didn't enjoy the nail place, or the fucking movies, but I do the shit for you."

"Those were all Charli's ideas."

"You're the older sibling. Tell her no."

"You tell her no. Enjoy the fit that ensues."

"No fucking way," I laugh.

"Did you find any clothing at that store you and Bryan stopped at?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I dislike when you insinuate things based off a question."

"Let's say I did. Where might I be hiding these clothes? Up my ass?"

"I suppose it depends on how many garments you took."

"Fuck you," I laugh. "No, I didn't get any clothes, and I sure as fuck didn't stick them up my asshole."

"No judgement."

"Shut up."

"Alright, we're ready," Charli tells us, leaving the store.

This wasn't even the end of this fuckery because as my luck would have it.

"Lingerie," Charli exclaims, running inside.

Alice blushes, folding her hands in front of her.

No, Negan. Don't go inside the store, fuck, I'm inside the store. Way to show restraint.

Alice points at a bottle of lube.

My eyes widen. Does she know what that is?

"You could have used this earlier."

I shoot her a glare. "Fuck you." I'm awarded the rare sight of her dimples. "Stop laughing, Alice. This shit ain't funny."

"I'm amused."

"Ha-fucking-ha."

"Would you like to spend some time together when we return?"

_Okay, what if for like some strange reason she wants to fuck?_

_Doesn't matter. Keep your dick in your pants. Jerk off when you get back, but don't bring her back here. Promise me._

Fuck! Fuck, why is this happening?!

"Another time," Alice says.

"Why are you leaving?"

"You know why."

Yeah. Probably for the best.

...

Charli does most of the talking on the drive home.

I glance down when I feel Alice take hold of my hand. Not that I'm upset over it, but I can't fucking wait for this shit to be over with. "What happened to your finger?" It's split open, but the cut is a few days old.

"I'm uncertain."

Liar. She must be doing that goddamn hand washing thing more frequent. I let go of it because it's pissing me off.

"Stop here, please?" Charli begs.

Bryan pulls over for her, as she hurries out. "You two staying here?"

"Yes," Alice replies almost immediately. As the door closes, she keeps close watch on them until they are out of sight. "It's from washing my hands too frequent. They get dry and crack. Please don't bring it up again, I don't want Charli to worry."

I start to smile at her honesty. I know she didn't want to tell me, so I return the favor. "You know this shit," I tug at my shirt, "it ain't me, but you? Fuck. I was speechless when I saw you walk outside. Then I think about you going back to the uniform, and it bothers me because **this** is who you are." I brush my knuckle across the pearls. "Christ, Alice, I know that you don't want to live in the parlor, but I wish you would just reconsider. Yeah, there's a million reasons why I want you to and I'm sure you have a million fucking retorts, but there's no denying you'd be safe and above every selfish desire of mine, your safety is the only goddamn thing that matters." That came across a little more aggressive than I wanted, but at least she knows how serious I fucking am. Ever since those men tried to abduct her I have not been the same person, and I don't care if I'm changing all my rules. "I know you need time, take however long you need, just know that I-" I'm silenced by her lips. She's fucking terrible at it. Whatever, it still gets my dick hard.

"I apologize for being so forward."

"Shut up," I growl.

She swings her leg over mine, before having a seat on my lap.

My hands slip under her shirt, sliding up her slender torso. The fabric catches on my wrists, inching upward. Even if this is as far as she lets me go, fine. I just wanted to touch her skin. My fingers stop by her rips and slide around to her back so I can press her harder against me. I grab her ass, restraining myself not to give her a light swat. Just enough so she knows who she belongs to. My tongue darts between her parted lips the same way I wish I could claim this woman with one deep thrust and I'd hear my name leave her mouth with a scream. Yes, I'm that goddamn confident that even my little stoic fuck could find a cataclysmic response.

Her pearls clink together when her small hands brace my throat.

Like I'm not fucking turned on enough. It's like she's ready to help me hold my breath. My pants only become tighter as they outline my arousal perfectly, begging to be freed.

She takes in a sharp breath, hurrying off me.

The driver side door opens.

I snatch her bag from the floor, putting it on my lap. It's at that moment she realizes what I've been using the bag all along for. Go figure **that** makes her blush. This woman is going to die the day I pull my cock out.

Alice invites me in her room when we get home.

This has to be a fucking test. Joanna is right. I need to run as far as I fucking can.

...

As I walk out of the bathroom, Joanna comes into the parlor.

"Hey, how did it go with- oh, good! You jerked off!"

"Ugh, twice, and I'm still fucking hard." I adjust my pants with a squat.

"I'm so proud of you!"

"I'm telling you, she wanted me. She invited me in her room. I could be balls deep in pussy, but no. Don't fuck her, Negan," I mock Joanna, "just say goodnight. Bullshit."

"Awww, I know you're pissed but trust me. It's going to pay off."

"Whatever." I fold my arms together.

"Did you have fun?"

"I'd have a lot more fun if I were fucking right now."

She rolls her eyes. "Ugh, god, I don't miss your mood swings. I should warn her about those."

"Oh, no, you've helped enough."

She lets out a cackle and starts to leave.

"Joanna."

"Yeah?"

I drop my arms. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she smiles.

...

Something slides under my door. It's a flyer from the movies. I open my door, but Alice is already gone. "Shit," I sigh, flipping the flyer over. There's a note on the back.

_Negan,_

_Thank you for being a gentleman tonight. Although it doesn't seem that way at times, I do feel a desire to be with you intimately. I appreciate your effort to dress in appropriate attire. I found myself glancing at your physique several times. This is not to discourage your normal attire. I know we discussed not having a basis for comparison because neither of us had experienced this before, but I do believe that I would use tonight as my basis for all comparison. You once asked me what I see in someone like you._ _**This** _ _is what I see in you._

_Enjoy your evening._

_Alice_

"Fuck yeah, she wants my dick," I smirk, thrusting my hips in victory.

* * *

"I thought I was being followed," I laugh.

Alice looks nervously at Rachel, and then at me. "Thank you for all the times you've taken Charli out riding. She said you took her again today."

"You should come along next time."

She shakes her head no.

"How come you're not with her?"

"Oh, uh," Alice blushes, "she's with Bryan."

"Why are you all red? Did you walk in on them fucking?"

"Uh," she fidgets with her hands, "yes."

I bust out laughing. "So you're kicked out of your own room, huh?"

"I suppose, yes. Luckily, Tara said I could stay with her tonight."

"You can always sleep in the parlor."

She's offended by my offer.

"Sorry."

"I should be going."

"You don't have to run off."

"I'm anxious to start this new book."

I notice her grip tightening on it. "You can," I rub the back of my neck, "stay with me. If you want."

"That's alright."

"Well.. well... why the fuck not?" It's more of a pout than a question.

"You're obviously uncomfortable."

"I am uncomfortable, but if you're just going to read." I shrug. Now I regret asking. I feel like an idiot. "I like it when you're around." I can actually feel my cheeks become hot. Am I really fucking blushing? Jesus Christ, this is fucking embarrassing.

"Alright," she agrees.

Probably because she sees what a sorry fuck I am.

"What are you doing?"

I slide open the window. "I have a spot on the roof." I carefully help her out the window and up the ladder on the side of the wall.

Alice gasps. "This is extraordinary!" She's not referring to the space.

"That?" I made a table by welding some of the giant gears I found on a piece of old equipment. "You can have it." I've never seen her smile that big. "I'll put it in your room when we leave."

"Thank you so much. I don't even know how to express my gratitude."

"I know a way."

She narrows her eyes.

Oh, shit, I've seen that look before. "Heh." I seem to have that nervous laugh more than usual.

"I like the seclusion of this space."

It's not much. A couple of pillows on the floor. On the table I made there's a bottle of whisky, a pair of binoculars and an oil lamp that I light.

Alice has a seat on one of the pillows.

"No one knows about this place and I'd like to keep it that way." I know she won't say anything. I just want her to know that I'm sharing the one place I fought so hard to keep for myself. "Will this distract you?" I chuck a dart.

"No, do you want to play?"

"Hell no. You throw knives, why would I stand any chance against you in darts?"

"Fair enough." Alice opens the book as the corner of her lip curls up.

"What?"

Her smile dissolves instantly. "What?" She must not realize that she's doing it.

"Nothing." You know, this ain't too fucking bad spending time with her. Guess I'll ruin it with my mouth. "You ever read any books about fucking?"

"Sometimes, if the story is good."

I miss the board entirely. "You ever rub one out while reading."

She lets out a heavy sigh, flipping the page. "You know I don't."

"Do you ever, well, have you ever?"

"No."

"Bullshit, you never fingered yourself before?"

She glares up from the book.

"Really? Never? Shit, I've already jerked it twice since we've been up here."

She starts to laugh. "No, you have not."

"You can watch, I won't mind."

"You could do something that intimate in front of another person?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Alright." She sets her book down and turns to face me. "Go ahead."

"Uh, like right now?"

"I'm waiting."

I grab the zipper of my pants and let out a breathed laugh. "Are you sure, because once I start I'm not-"

"Quit stalling."

"Let me fuck you instead."

"My point exactly."

"Alright fucking fine, maybe you're right, okay? You take all the fun out of everything. Can we just pretend that you're normal and rub one out so I can have something to think of later?"

"No."

"Fuck you," I laugh.

...

"I feel like I'm being rude."

I open her book back up. "No. I want you to read, and I want to lay here and not have a single fucking responsibility."

"Very well."

I set my glass on my stomach and close my eyes.

"Would you like to lay your head in my lap?"

My eyes jolt open. Seriously? "What?"

"Never min-"

I scoot over, resting my head on her crossed legs. Fuck yes. I don't give a fuck how pathetic this looks. I could die a happy man between these legs. Too bad I'm not face down.

She holds the book with one hand, running her fingers in my hair.

This is... nice. I let out a soft moan, closing my eyes. It's not even a tease because she does this for over an hour. "Goddamn, stop, I can't take this shit anymore."

"I'm sor-"

I press my lips firmly to hers.

She takes a surprised breath.

I don't want her yelling at me, so I very carefully place her book to the side before deepening our kiss. I think it helped my chances because she was putty in my arms after that. She eases backwards as I stretch myself over her. I fucking love every second of this. Me. Loving this. It's fucking ridiculous, honestly, but I can't help myself.

She seems to be enjoying herself. In fact, she's going to be enjoying herself a lot more here.

I softly start to kiss down her neck, before moving to the side of it. My tongue trails up it and it awards me a moan. Fuck me. Goddamn, it's so fucking sexy. I tease her a bit more before switching sides. I'd lick more than her neck if she'd let me, but I won't press my luck, which I can't fucking believe. I'm actually out of breath from this. "You smell fucking incredible." And she did. It isn't some fucking line. Oh god. I bury my nose in her hair, inhaling deeply. The spot on her head above her ear smells the best. Jesus, what is wrong with me? My lips find their way to her ear. "Can I keep going?"

"You may."

I silence her fucking mouth before I gotta hear any more of that bullshit come from it. You may? Fuck that. Fuck her. Yeah.. fuck her. I press my hips forward a bit to see her reaction.

She moves up some.

Damn. Looks like I'm going to have to try harder. Shit, any harder and I might rip my fucking zipper. "Can I take your vest off?"

"No." Oddly, she does it.

I guess she just didn't want me doing it. Will you take your pants off? No, don't fucking ask her that. Don't fuck this up. Behave. Fuck. Be cool. "You can do anything you want to me."

"I'm not ready for intercourse."

"I know you're not, it's okay."

"How do you know?"

"Because when you're ready, you won't be nervous. It will just happen. In that moment you won't think about how shy you are, or those men, you'll just want it."

"Did I ruin this moment?"

I look down at the bulge in my pants. "Uh, no." But I know our time is coming to an end. The sun is starting to rise. "You wanna keep going?"

"Very well."

"Very well? No, fuck that. Are you even turned on?"

"The feeling is still new to me, but, yes. I'm aroused." Her cheeks have never been this red before.

Holy fuck me, she just said she was aroused. "Trust me, alright? You know I'll stop if you just say the word, Alice. You know that right?"

"Yes."

I start at the bottom button, flicking it open.

She watches carefully, taking her lip between her teeth.

"Help," someone screams.

Alice sits up, taking a deep breath. "Did you hear that?"

"No." I unbutton another one.

"Negan, I heard someone yell for help."

"Look, it was probably jus-"

"Help," a male voice yells louder, as the sounds of their fist on the metal front door echoes throughout the courtyard.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N I've tried to think of several ways I could alter this chapter, but it has to stay this way. Though it doesn't seem like it now, there is purpose to this chapter.**

* * *

**July**

* * *

"Alice, wait!" It's the only time she's been faster than me. "Alice, slow down."

Dwight stumbles from the infirmary, covered in blood.

I've never seen him so pale, until I realize. "Oh god, Sherry!"

"What?" Sherry asks running up behind me.

I push my eyebrows together and before I can yell, Alice does.

"No," she shrills. "No!"

Sherry covers her mouth when she comes into the infirmary.

"Baby, I'm so sorry," Bryan sobs. "I didn't see it." He sets his hand on top of the undead bite on Charli's hip.

Alice stares at Charli like she doesn't believe what's in front of her. She pulls up her sleeve, shoving her arm into Harlan. "What are you waiting for," Alice panics, "she needs blood!"

"Alice," Nicole frowns, putting her arm down.

"No, why won't you try?!" Alice looks over at Charli. "Oh, no," Alice cries. She hurries over to Charli.

"Bryan is right, we didn't even see those fucks." Charli grits her teeth.

"Language," Alice cries, hugging her sister.

This isn't fucking happening right now!

"Thank you for always taking care of me, Alice," Charli whimpers.

"I didn't take care of you. I'm so sorry!"

"This isn't on you. Not those men that took us, not Daddy pushing me away, not me getting bit. Truth is, I'm okay with it. Kinda tired of always having to fight, ya know?"

"I just got you back. Please don't leave me again," Alice begs, taking her hand.

"We had fun the last few months, right?"

"Yes. Fun."

Charli looks up at me. "Bye, jerk off."

"I'll miss your dumb face." I give her a weak smile.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I know everything you've been through and this just adds to it."

"Don't talk, just hold on a little longer. Alright?" Alice rubs Charli's damp forehead.

"I love you, Alice."

"I love you, Charline."

Marshall gives me his Beretta, knowing Charli doesn't have long before she turns.

I try and give it to Bryan, but he refuses. "Alice, I will-"

"No." She takes the Beretta from me.

I press my lips to her temple briefly before we all clear the infirmary. Christ. My body feels completely numb. "No, no, goddammit, no," I scream, slamming my fists against the metal wall. We're not supposed to lose people to undead. That's not a reason to bury someone in my mind. I put my hands over my face, taking a deep breath.

Sanctuary is silent, except for soft sobs coming from the others.

Even though it's only been a few months, I feel a strong attachment to Charli, and it hurts. I've often prayed for the chance to say goodbye to my mother or Lucille. Alice got that chance, and to be honest, it seems more painful to me than going without that goodbye. At least the uncertainty of not knowing if Charli was alive kept Alice going, but this? This is going to break Alice.

We know it's coming, but the gun shot startles all of us.

Alice walks from the infirmary, dropping the gun on the walkway. Her shirt is stained with blood as she just stares owl eyed at nothing. When I try and grab her shoulder, she moves my hand off her, walking past me.

"Alice." I chase after her like I stand a chance of convincing her everything is going to be okay. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. I bang on her locked door with my fist. "Alice, please open the goddamn door." I hear her violent sobs on the other side and there isn't a fucking thing I can do. "Please, let me in. I'm not leaving." What the fuck do I do? Everything I've ever done has been the wrong decision when it comes to her. If I break down this fucking door, she'll hate me. "Numbers, please." I want to hold her. "Alice, don't push me away," I beg. I drop to my knees, curling my fingers around the warm grate walkway. "Alice, please," I whine. When she decides it's time to open this door, I'll never see her again. My only comfort is knowing she doesn't have those goddamn knives or Marshall's gun.

"Negan," Sherry cries.

I sit back, keeping my eyes locked on her door.

Sherry kneels between my legs, grabbing my face.

I know she's physically there, but I can't see anything but that fucking door keeping me from the only thing that makes me sane.

"Baby, I'm so sorry." Nicole rubs my back.

Joanna kisses my cheek, wrapping her arms around my neck.

Amber gives me a hug from behind as she sobs against my shirt.

Sherry kisses my forehead. "I know we're not your wives, but we still love you. What can we do?"

"I'm gonna lose her, Sherry," my voice trembles.

"No, you're not."

"She's- I- Alice-" I whimper, dropping my head. "Open the door," I beg.

* * *

Some of the children drew pictures for Alice that were taped to her door. Molly picked a few flowers for her, placing them in the walkway. I'd occasionally press my ear to her door, waiting for some kind of movement. At least her sobs assured me she was still alive.

* * *

On the third day, Alice finally left her room. She stood at the gates of Sanctuary, with her fingers curled around the chain link fence.

"Alice?" I frown looking her over.

She's a goddamn statue.

"I want you to see something. When you're ready, it's around the back."

She hasn't even blinked since I've been here.

"I'll be over there if you want to come see it." I almost give up when the sun starts to set.

Alice stands beside me and looks at the newly dug grave. She drops to her knees and sinks her fingers into the dirt.

I start to question if I've made the right decision. What if she wanted to bury her? I hate hearing Alice cry, but who would have thought her silence would bother me more. "Alice, if I could trade places with Charli so you didn't have to feel any pain, I would." I leave her alone, because, fuck. This might break me, too.

* * *

I don't even remember falling asleep last night, but Dwight wakes me. I'm at one of the tables in the cafeteria.

"I went to check on Alice this morning, but she's gone."

I sit up and run to my room, hoping she's at my spot on the roof, but she's not. Her vest is still on the floor, which means she's out there with those fucking things without any kind of protection. I grab Lucille on the way out before I start my search. Alice didn't take her things with her, which worries me even more. I spend all goddamn day trying to track her before finding her.

She's in the bar, her hands pressed against the pool table.

I'm relieved, but concerned. What do I do for this poor woman? I reach into my pocket, setting Lucille and her vest on the pool table.

Alice doesn't even acknowledge me.

I tie Charli's purple moon bracelet around Alice's wrist.

She drops her head and starts to sob as her tears fall to the felt on the table.

I lean in close to her, running my hands down both her arms. "I know it fucking hurts, Alice."

Her cries echo throughout the bar.

It turns my stomach. I kiss her shoulder, then her head.

"I apologize for pushing you away. I needed time to myself to process everything."

"Alice, I want to be the one you know you can turn to when shit gets to be too much. I've always hated how you fucking push me away. I can't offer you much, but let me at least do this. I know you think showing emotion is weak, I get that. No one feels more strongly about that than I do, but I'd like to think after all the shit we've fucking been through, we could be vulnerable in front of each other."

"You're wrong."

"What?"

"When you said if you could trade places with Charli so I wouldn't have to feel pain. I can assure you, I would feel immense suffering." Alice turns and wraps her arms around my torso, crying against my chest. "I'm uncertain how I even got here," she sobs. Her fingers claw the back of my jacket.

My arms lock tight around what's mine. It's ironic how things changed from the last time we were here, and the thought of her touching me was repulsing. To me, affection always comes with a price. It took someone like Alice to show me that it doesn't always have to be like that. "Come home, okay?"

She tugs on my jacket some and gives me a kiss.

I move her up on the pool table, closing the space between us.

Her tongue eagerly meets mine.

Even though it's a fucking stupid move on my part, my hand gravitates towards her chest since she's not wearing that fucking vest. She arches her back, welcoming my touch, and it takes everything in me not to rip open her shirt. As much as I want her, I know it's wrong. She's vulnerable right now and I'm not about to fuck her on this dirty pool table like some bar slut.

"It's okay," she tells me when I take my hand away.

"No, it's not." I press my lips to her forehead. "Not like this." I help her back in her vest and sigh when I hear the zipper move up on her vest.

Her fingers tangle in mine.

I needed to be stronger than this, but fail again, fiercely claiming those lips. My hands wrap around her head as I deepen our kiss. I've completely silenced the voice in my head telling me to stop. Perhaps I should have listened to it. I open my eyes to an undead reaching for her. I grab it by the throat, smashing its head against the pool table.

Alice pulls a knife from her vest, hurling it at another undead.

It's at least twenty five that have poured in through the side door.

Alice tosses Lucille at me.

I try to clear as much as I can, while she stays behind me.

Undead start coming in through the front door, too.

I pick Alice up and move her on top of the bar.

She starts breaking bottles in half, using the tops to throw at the undead.

"Alice, run!"

"No," she yells. Another knife goes flying and saves my life.

The undead are getting way too close.

She gets off the bar, gripping one of her shorter knives and driving them into the eye sockets. "See if you can secure the front door. I've got these."

I manage to clear what's coming in the front door, then wedge one of the tables against it, but it's not going to hold them for long. "Alice!" I push the pool table over, securing the side door shut.

Alice runs over to the side window, pushing it up. "I will distract them-"

"No!" I pull her away from the window.

"Let me do this!"

"Alice, no, goddammit! For once, listen to me," I yell.

"Yes!"

I ball my hand into a fist. "Fucking, fuck! No!"

"Unfortunate," she snaps, putting her foot to the ledge.

I pull her back to me by her wrist, pressing my lips to hers. I try to push the thoughts out of my mind that this is the last time I'm going to see this woman. Christ, she's as fucking hard headed as I am. "You run straight home. Down the hill. Right at the turn. Four miles down the dirt road."

And with that, she's gone.

I open up the front door and take a step back, twirling Lucille. "Alright, you cunts! If you're going to kill me, I ain't making it fucking easy," I growl as the undead pour in like a swarm. What seemed manageable, just turned out to be my arrogance when the other door gave. At least there are enough of them that I'd be unrecognizable when they are through.

"Negan, help," Alice screams from outside the bar.

My eyes widen. "No," I bellow as a wall of undead take me to the floor.

...

I lie completely still as undead start to scatter from the bar. There is enough rotting flesh, blood, and internal organs on me that they acted as some type of cloak. Part of me was uneasy about leaving and seeing Alice dead. After she called my name, I never heard her again.

The undead bodies leave a trail like bread crumbs down the street. She didn't go the right fucking direction! After a mile, there's no more undead.

"Alice," I scream. I wait until dark before I head back to Sanctuary. "Alice," I yell, pushing open her door.

She's not there.

I search everywhere as I start to become hysterical. Where is she?!

My Saviors start to realize what's going on and help me look.

* * *

I was fearful to leave Sanctuary last night, hoping that she might turn up, but she never did. I should have never let her leave that fucking bar. There's no way it would have taken her all night to get back which means one of two things. She's lost, or she's dead. I pack a small bag before I head out that morning. Before I can even make it to my motorcycle, Lucille slips out of my grip and I drop to my knees in the court yard. How is she just fucking gone? Is there something I could have done? This is my fault. I didn't protect her!

"Sir, we're all here," Carson tells me, holding his map.

I look over my shoulder and see every single person we have ready to leave.

"I've already assigned the teams," Marshall says. "Gave them all a section to cover on the map."

I'm fucking speechless at the crowd of people, knowing they'd risk their lives to bring Alice home. It chokes me up. "Thank you." Goddamn, I wish she could see how important she is to these people.

* * *

Even though Alice hasn't turn up, some of the teams were still able to scavenge supplies. I leave again for another few days to ride around and see if I can find her. Nothing. The only reason I come back is because I'm out of gas. "Did Banks and the others make it back yet?"

Marshall sent a few of the men to Hilltop and the Safe-Zone to see if she turned up there. "They came back yesterday. She wasn't there."

Out of the corner of my eye I see someone at the gates. Christ, I do not need this right now.

Carl jumps down off his horse.

Rick isn't too far behind him.

"You lost her!?" Carl yells at me.

"We got separated."

"Bullshit!"

Might as well tell him about Charli, too.

"What can we do to help?" Rick asks.

This motherfucker. What can you do to help? Is he seriously asking me this? Fucking look for her! I have to bite my fucking tongue before I say something that I regret.

"I'm staying here until she's found." Carl already has his backpack with him. "I'll be in Olivia's room."

Carl and Rick must have had time to hash this out before they got here, because Rick doesn't question Carl, and Carl isn't asking daddy for permission. Nor does Rick feel the need to tell me how important the well-being of his son is.

Maybe there was more to Rick's question than the obvious. Now I'm really glad I didn't run my mouth.

"I have some supplies for you," Rick says.

I have some of my men unload their buggy. In return, we fill it up with a barrel of biodiesel and an overstock of crops we had. "Do you still have the means to make bullets?"

"Yes. We've been stockpiling what we can, though I have to say, I don't think we're quite at the level of trust to be bartering weapons."

"This goes beyond our grudge. All this time spent searching for Alice has got me thinking about this Syndicate group more and more. While they're not knocking at our front gates, I think we need to be working on something. Like if shit hits the fan kinda plan."

"Sometimes we get so comfortable in our daily routine, I forget about things like that, or maybe I just don't want to think that people like that still exist."

"That's all that exists. Talk to your man, see if he can make some type of explosive. This group has plenty of them so it can't be difficult."

"I will say, you're an excellent strategist."

"Let's fucking hope so."

* * *

I set the gear table I made down in her room, next to her bed before having a seat on it. Alice is good with direction, and even though she doesn't have her maps, surely she would be back by now? There's a bottle of cleaner at the end of her bed. I get the rag and start to clean her room.

...

Amber walks in Alice's room and starts to cough.

"Take your shoes off," I snap at her, scrubbing the walls.

"Negan, you can't be in this closed area with ammonia, it's not good for you." She opens the window.

"Get off her bed!"

"S- sorry."

I go back to scrubbing the walls.

"Oh my god, your hands! Negan, stop this right now!"

"No! I have to finish this!"

"Sherry," Amber calls.

"I have to make it nice for her!"

"Negan, stop it," Sherry demands, ripping the rag when she tries to pull on it.

I sink to my knees, starting to hyperventilate, which only makes me dizzier.

"Amber, go get the boys! We have to get him out of this room."

...

"He was trying to kill himself," Sherry says, folding her arms.

"No, I wasn't trying to fucking kill myself! I don't have to fucking explain to you people what I was doing!" The truth is, I think I'm losing my goddamn mind. "All of you standing here have the one you care about right be-fucking-side you! I have no one!"

Marshall takes a step forward. "Negan, you don't think we miss Alice, too? Everyone here loves Alice. No, we don't know what you're going through, but it doesn't mean we don't care for that girl."

"We love you, too," Rachel adds. "What can we do to help?"

"You can leave me alone, all of you," I mumble, hanging my head. I know that I'm being a dick, but I don't know how to convey my feelings and it's coming out at inappropriate times. I just want to fucking know if she's okay. Some sign that she's still alive.

* * *

Sherry has a seat on the lounge next to me.

Despite the little conversations here and there to try and mend what we had, there's still an awkward silence between us.

I figured she would leave, but she's just sitting there. "What, Sherry?"

"Do you require assistance?"

My eyes shift over to her. "I don't want your assistance." She's trying to mimic Alice, but I'm not in the fucking mood for games. "I'm still mad at you. You had no fucking right to call me a drunk."

"I didn't say you were a drunk."

"You implied it, same fucking difference."

"How long are you going to stay mad at me?"

"Until you fucking apologize!"

"I'm not apologizing. I made an observation. You're the one that took it that way."

"Observation? Is that anything like the one where you thought I was trying to kill myself? Get the fuck out, Sherry."

"Stop taking your frustrations out on us because of Alice."

"This has nothing to fucking do with Alice! This is about you, sticking your goddamn nose in everything. Thinking you have a right to dictate how people live. Sherry, you need to fucking leave right now before I say something that cannot be taken back."

"You are such an asshole, it's unbelievable!"

"Fine! Then I'm a fucking asshole! So leave me the fuck alone." I walk over to the small bar we have and kick it over as the bottles shatter on the floor.

"What did you do that for? I was drinking those," Rachel yells.

"You don't need more to drink. I'm putting my foot down," Nicole scolds her, ripping her glass from her hand. "Stop it!"

Rachel runs into the bathroom as Nicole chases after her.

"Th- those bottles were from her," Sherry murmurs. "Oh god, Negan. I'm so sorry."

I return to the lounge. "I won't deny the fact I have been drinking more frequent, but I haven't had a drop since Alice has been gone, nor will it ever get to the point where I am some fucking alcoholic. Not after my father. I'd never put Alice through that, and I have more respect for myself than that."

"Will you forgive me?"

"I don't know, being an asshole and all."

She starts to sob.

I lose my smug grin instantly. "Please don't fucking cry. I hate it when you cry." I pull her in my arms.

"I know that I have a bad habit of getting in other people's business, but it's only because I care."

"It bothers me that you have all this pent up anger towards me. Like I did something wrong, when all I've ever tried to do was make it easier on you. Make sure you were safe and try and keep you from hurting. I've sacrificed a lot for you, Sherry. Can't you just cut me a fucking break every now and then?"

"I know you do a lot for me. Busting your balls is the only way I can return that favor."

I guess that's just how we are.

"I'm sorry. I really do love you, and I know that you don't believe in love so maybe me saying that doesn't even mean anything to you."

"Sherry, I'm not stupid, I just don't believe in love. I know you care for me."

"Will you please just tell me that you're not mad at me anymore so I can go stick my nose in Nicole and Rachel's business?"

I laugh, pushing her off me. "Maybe. I don't know. Shut those two up and we'll see."

"Deal," she smiles.

...

"Who is it?"

"It's me," Carl replies.

"Come in." I set the map down on my table.

"I didn't realize that Marshall and Olivia were together and I think they want some alone time. Do you have another room I can use?"

"Pass out here for the night. In the morning, I'll have Carson set you up something."

"Not tired?"

"I don't sleep that well knowing she's out there."

He sighs, setting his bag on my bed. "She's good with direction. She'll find her way back I believe."

"That's what I thought, but how much fucking longer?"

"She really means a lot to you, huh?"

"No, I just enjoy moping around like a pussy."

"I don't think you're feeling sorry for yourself. You've been through a lot with Alice."

"Yet, shit just **keeps** fucking happening."

"Now you're feeling sorry for yourself."

I pick my map up, opening it back up annoyed. "Maybe I fucking am. Go the fuck to sleep."

"Can you even use that thing?" He walks over to me, taking it when I'm silent. "I figured as much. What are you looking for?"

"Her."

He sits across from me. "We'll find her."

* * *

Bryan is taking Charli's death even harder that Alice has gone missing. He's always the first one ready to search for her.

"You don't have to do this," I tell him.

"I do."

"You need to grieve."

"No one should have to grieve because I should have protected my fiancée."

"You can't blame yourself for her death. Believe me, I know this better than anyone."

"I made Alice put her down like she was some kind of dog because I'm a fucking coward. You buried her because I am, once again, a coward."

"I buried Charli for Alice, so that she didn't have to. No one thinks you're a coward because it is no one's goddamn business."

"I tried so hard to keep Charli safe."

"Every choice I have made since I have known Alice has been to keep her safe, but I know there will come a day when I'll put her next to her sister because this world is not made for people like them."

"I might fill that spot when we find Alice."

"If Alice wanted you in that spot, you would be. Trust me. She has no qualms with pulling knives on people. I know that all too well."

Bryan takes a calming breath. "It used to drive me insane when Charli would put in that damn cd and start rapping along with it. Now, I'd give anything to hear it one more time."

"I know. I would give anything to hear Alice say nothing."

Bryan laughs. "She probably didn't give you that impression, but when I… well.. purchased Charli, she didn't talk for three months. When she finally did speak, it was Alice's name. That's when I learned about those men that took them from their home."

"Did, uh. Was it hard for the two of you to, uh." I rub the back of my neck.

"Yeah, it was. Plus, I didn't want any part of Charli to see me as some man that only wanted one thing from her."

"How did you get past it? Alice and I are, well, we're having those same issues."

"I don't think Charli ever got past it. She had her good days, and she had her bad ones. The bad days were even more difficult because I felt disgusted at myself, like it was my fault, but the good days, they were great," he smiles.

I think about the first time I kissed Alice. That can't be it for us. Not that it's my reasoning for finding her.

"How do you and Alice even, uh.. what's that like with her?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just can't even begin to imagine someone like her being intimate."

"You shouldn't imagine it, she's your sister!"

"You know what I mean!"

"There is no denying that Alice is phlegmatic as fuck, but I get to see a glimpse of her that **no one** else does."

"Let's bring her home, so you can see it again."

* * *

I'm hit in the back of the head with a ping-pong ball. "The fuck?" I drop my fork, and stand up from the table. There's at least forty balls scattered around me. I must have really been in a fucking daze.

Carl is bent over laughing with his hands pressed against his knees. "Who would have thought it would have taken me that many balls to hit your fat head."

"Fat head, huh? Let's see if I can make one stick in that hole on your face."

"Try it and I'll put another hole in yours."

"Hilarious. Go to the other side of the table."

"No way! I was here first. You go to the other side."

"Like it makes a difference. You're still going to lose."

Carl grabs a ball, raising his paddle.

"Whoa, wait. Are you serving?"

"I have the ball, don't I?"

"You gotta count off."

"What?"

"Count off."

"Tch, fine, 0 serving.. 0." He whacks the ball barely enough to make it over the middle.

Lucky for him I have long arms, and send it flying back.

Not only does he miss the ball, but there's some weird fucking delay he has trying to hit it. "Damn."

"1 serving 0."

Same thing again.

"The fuck's the matter with you?"

"You're hitting it too hard!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so fucking delicate, Carley. 2 serving 0."

Carl throws down his paddle and hurries out the front doors after he misses the ball.

Shit. His eye. That's why he's having trouble. "Carl, wait!" I chase after him.

He's sitting at one of the tables in the courtyard.

"I'm sorry," I say, sitting next to him.

"Spare me."

"I didn't realize you'd have a hard time playing."

He looks away from me embarrassed. "Every day it's something else I can't do."

"Yeah, that's life. You're not going to be good at everything. So you're terrible at ping-pong, big fucking deal."

"That's easy for you to say, you're good at it."

"You know how many times being good at ping-pong has got my dick sucked? Fucking zero."

He starts to laugh.

"Now stop this cry baby bullshit."

"Thanks, Negan," he smirks.

* * *

I stare at the picture of Alice in my hand. The one Amber drew. Two fucking months I've searched continually for her and nothing. When I put the picture on the concrete wall, the entire cafeteria goes silent.

"I'm sorry," Sherry cries softly, rubbing my back.

"Am I putting her on the wrong wall, Sherry?"

"No."

"It sure doesn't fucking feel like it."

"Negan, you are **all** Alice has. If you give up on her, who is going to look for her?"

"I can't lead these people and look for her. It's not fair to them."

"Then you step down, and you find Alice."

"Okay," I choke back tears. I refuse to cry over this shit because I refuse to lose Alice. "I'm going to bring her home."

"I know you will."

* * *

"Saviors," I start, as they all gather in the cafeteria. "This is difficult for me to say, but it needs to happen. I know that I've been a ghost for the last few months and that's not fair to you all. I'm going to put Marshall in charge. He'll have the final decision on everything. Listen to him like you would me." I take a few keys from my key ring, then pass the rest of them over to him.

He's speechless, and shakes his head no. "I-"

"They need you, Marshall."

...

"Sir, do you have a minute to talk?"

"Please don't argue with me, Marshall. My decision stands."

"Why not Dwight though?"

"Dwight has made it clear he doesn't want that responsibility, and we all know what would happen to this place if I put Connor in charge. Marshall, you know what needs to be done. Put Cosworth in charge of the supply room on Tuesday. I've already given the map's Alice made to Carson, so speak to him before you delegate the teams for supply runs."

"Seems to me you're perfectly capable of running things, and we're doing fine even though you feel that you haven't contributed."

"Maybe I am capable, but I need to step away. It's the right thing to do."

"I will send Bryan, Hawkes, and Olivia with you and Carl to search for Alice."

"No. They need to be looking for supplies."

"Well, guess you shouldn't have put me in charge. My decision stands."

"Fuck you," I laugh.

* * *

Luckily, Olivia is pretty good with a map.

Hawkes is an excellent tracker, and keeps tabs on undead that are killed from Alice's knives.

Carl clears for us.

Some days it seems like Bryan is more determined to find Alice than I am. I know he feels guilty.

* * *

I don't even count the days anymore, but I think it's September?

"Maybe we should leave like a note or something taped to the buildings for her?" Olivia suggests.

"As much as I want to climb up every fucking billboard to help lead her home, it's too risky. It would be like bringing people to our fucking front doors." Plus I'm nervous about this Syndicate group. The town we're at today has been completely left in rubble from their destruction. Though they are heading west, father from us. With all the scenarios of where Alice could be, I hope to god she wasn't taken by their group.

* * *

I had the strangest dream about Alice last night. She wanted me, but every time I would unzip her vest, she'd have another one on. That'd just be my fucking luck, too. "Holy fuck, that's it," I yell, hurrying to get dressed.

...

"Here's the plan." I drop a stack of printer paper on the meeting table.

At the table sits Amber, Joanna, Rachel, Sherry, Olivia, Cosworth, Carson, Bryan, Hawkes, and Carl.

I pin a larger map to the wall, circling the bar where Alice and I got separated. "It's too dangerous to leave clues for Alice to find her way back here, so I have something better. I know of at least twenty two police stations around this area." I also start circling them on the map. "Everyone get two police stations, and draw a map from the station, to the bar. Then my group will tape a map inside one of the lockers at every police station. If Alice goes to one in search for a vest, she'll find the map."

"That's a great idea," Joanna smiles.

Sometimes I don't believe the dedication of these people when it comes to helping me find Alice.

* * *

"Hey," Amber smiles, handing me a piece of paper before I go inside my room.

"What's this?" I flip it over as my scowl disappears.

"I know you miss her, and the other one I drew of her is on that wall. Thought this might lift your spirits a bit."

"Fuck, it's perfect, Amber." She drew this one with colored pencils.

"Sherry said you like her hair down. I hope I got it right."

I hug Amber a little too aggressive.

"Oh gosh, affection?" She tries to pry my big arms off her, but gives up and returns the hug. "I should have slipped it under your door."

"Thank you, Amber."

"I'm going to work on one of Charli. You can give it to Alice when you see her again. Should be any day now, right?" She smiles up at me.

Not that I will ever give up searching for Alice, but my Saviors really do give me the strength to keep going.

* * *

I went scavenging for the first time in months. Or rather, I cleared while they scavenged. I raise Lucille repeatedly, mangling the undead's face. Nothing but a bloody pile is left. Fuck, I've got to get my anger under control before I lose Lucille, too.

"Goddamn," Dwight snarls, "This is one of the biggest herds I've seen in a long time."

"Negan," Marshall calls. He's squatting beside an undead.

"What?"

"Come here."

"Why can't you just fucking tell me- oh, Christ," I whine, taking Alice's knife from the undead's throat. I pull Marshall's machete from his hands and chop the undead in half, ripping his stomach out. I cut it open, letting the contents splatter on the ground. The person that was being digested had blue jeans on. She doesn't wear blue jeans. "Alice," I scream.

"Split up," Marshall instructs the others.

I start kicking in doors to buildings. We're not far from Sanctuary, either.

...

"The sun is setting," Connor yawns.

"I'm staying here."

"Negan, I know that we're closer than ever to finding her, but it's not worth your life."

"Not worth my life?" I get right in Connor's face.

"I didn't mean it like that! You know that's not what I fucking mean!"

"Get the others and go home," I snarl.

"No one is going home. Set up a camp in that last house," Marshall points.

I look down at Alice's knife in my hand. I know I said I wanted a sign, but this wasn't exactly the sign I was looking for. It turns my stomach even more, especially because she wouldn't leave one of her knives behind.

"I call the bedroom," Connor says, running down the hall.

Marshall sets his bag on the couch. "Dibs."

Dwight gets one of the other bedrooms.

Guess that leaves me with this office. Luckily there's a couch, but I know I won't get any sleep tonight. The previous occupant was a collector. Their taste was rather eclectic ranging from old weapons, to entomology cases. What a bunch of junk. This person even took the time to house some stupid book in a glass case by itself. Waste of- "Oh, fuck." My eyes widen. I break the top of the case with Lucille and reach inside to get the book, shaking the glass from it. "The Time Machine," I smile. This is the book that Alice had spent all that time searching for. I take my jacket off and carefully put the book in the middle of it, wrapping it in the leather. I finally have my sign.

* * *

Dwight snickers at Connor.

He's been throwing up for the last mile. "Fuck you, it was worth it."

"It was stupid. Hydrate yourself because no one is carrying you." Marshall shoves a bottle of water against his chest.

"You're lucky you don't have the shits from eating that stuff," Dwight laughs.

"Let me sit down for a second." He grabs his stomach, having a seat at what looks like a junk yard.

"Someone is living here," I tell them, gripping Lucille tighter. "Get up. We'll find some other place to rest."

Connor groans, starting to throw up again.

"Fucking gross," I snap, walking away from him. I feel like we're being watched. My suspicion ends up being correct.

A little girl swings down from a tree. She can't be any more than 10 years old.

I put my hands up and take a step back when she seems threatened by us, instructing the others to drop their weapons.

The blonde girl lowers her bow and arrow as she cocks her head. "Negan?"

I've never seen this girl in my life. I think I'd know. She has a dead animal's carcass on the top of her head and a necklace made of bones. "How do you know my name?"

She walks over and stands at my feet. The girl barely comes up to my belt. "Wow, you **are** tall."

I repeat my question to her.

"The police officer."

I kneel down and touch a shaky hand to her arm. "You- you've seen my Alice?"

"Yep. Did she make it home?"

"No."

"She only left two days ago, but Finn gave her our map so she could find her way back."

I cup my eyes with my hands and let out a deep breath. "Thank Christ," I whine.

Dwight grips my shoulder.

"She said once she found her way home, she'd come back for us."

"Marshall," I yell, "the map."

"Here."

"Show me on the map where you're at." I open the map for the little girl.

She laughs. "I can't use that thing. Finn," she calls.

A man comes out of what looks like a cellar.

"Oh," the girl gasps, running off into the woods.

"Are you Negan?" Finn asks when I get to my feet. He's about my age, but his hair, fixed in some stupid mohawk, and beard are graying.

"Yes," I tell him. "You let her call you by your first name?"

"She's not my daughter. Found her shortly after shit got crazy. We were with other groups, but that never seems to last."

Marshall takes a step forward, putting his machete to Finn's throat. "What's a grown man doing with a little girl?"

"I know what you're thinking," Finn starts. His face tattoo isn't helping matters. He shows us the stab wound on his shoulder. "The police officer thought the same thing, but I swear to god it's not like that. Truth is, the kid protects me. I can't fight worth a damn. Besides, violence is not really my thing."

Marshall lowers his machete.

"What is your thing?"

"I'm a contractor, well, was. I enjoy building things."

"What's with this?" I point on my face where his tattoo is.

He rubs it right off. "People tend to leave me alone with it on."

"Finn," the girl calls in the distance.

"She's been tracking a boar."

"I'll get it," Dwight offers.

"She's an excellent hunter, and she knows how to clean out the carcasses. Carves her own arrows. Makes the arrow heads and everything."

"What's her name?"

"I don't know and she won't tell me. Just been calling her Kid. Maybe she told your girl. The two talked for a while. I've never seen Kid with so much to say."

I see Dwight out of my peripherals with the boar slung across his shoulders.

"This thing is heavy as fuck."

"Finn built me a cart, I tried to tell you that," Kid frowns.

"Put the swine in the truck. We're going back to Sanctuary. Marshall, Connor, help them collect their shit. I'm going to start back on foot, pick me up when you're done here." I couldn't run fast enough. Alice might already have had a 2 day start, but that doesn't mean she's not camped somewhere. I check the undead that have been killed. Same thing on every one. Knife kill's to the eye socket. It's over-fucking-whelming. I lean against one of the trees to catch my breath. "Alice," I yell, starting to run again. When the truck comes up behind me, I get a very unsettling feeling. My eyes trail the mud, tracking a pair of foot prints deeper into the forest.

"Where are you going?" Connor asks with his head sticking out the window.

If someone passed by and she got scared, she'd be hiding around here. What if that Syndicate group drove by, or what if we scared her? I step down on a piece of wood, cracking it. Luckily I catch myself and pull myself back out of the well, but Lucille isn't that lucky. "Fuck," I scream. I look around for anything I can lower down and get her out until I start to hear cries. "Alice?" I kneel down peering inside the well. I can't see the bottom, so I call down it.

"Help," she sobs.

"Hey," I yell back at my men. Fuck, how the hell am I going to get her out?

Dwight throws a flash light over to me.

I shine it down in the well, but I still can't see the bottom of it, and the cries from Alice have stopped. "We need some way to get her out! Rip the canvas off the truck and someone can repel down."

"Here," Kid says, pulling a rope from her bag. "I'll climb down and secure it around her."

Every moment we wait makes me fucking crazy. "Just hold on," I yell down.

"Okay," Kid's small voice says, tugging once on the rope.

"Slowly," I tell the others. I hope this fucking rope holds.

Kid comes out of the well first.

"Is she okay?"

"She's bit on her leg. Here's your baseball bat."

"Wha- wh-" I lose my grip on the rope and fall back on my ass.

Finn grabs the rope, helping the others.

"Bit?" I whine. I claw at my shirt, trying to catch my breath.

"Negan," Dwight yells, reaching inside the well. "It's not Alice." He pulls the girl from the well.

I take a deep breath, looking up. "Oh fuck," I choke. Of course. Why would Kid be so calm if it were Alice that got bit? Jesus Christ, I need to get it the fuck together. I feel guilty that I'm glad it isn't Alice, because this girl is still someone's daughter.

Marshall takes out his machete. "Do you want us to amputate?"

"No! It's alright. I have this." The girl takes a gun out of her boot. "Please, I can't bring myself to do it."

"Are you sure?" Marshall asks, getting the gun from her.

"Yes, thank you for getting me out of there. I'm ready."

Kid raises her bow, and shoots the lady in the head, killing her instantly. "Best not to waste the bullet," she says dryly, starting to wind up her rope.

Goddamn. What the fuck just happened?

Marshall helps me up, patting me on the back. "It's okay. We're going to find her."

...

When we get back to Sanctuary, Alice hasn't made it back.

"I can go back out there and look. She's my friend, too," Kid offers.

"Hawkes, take the girl, Carl, and Bryan with you. Stay along the main road and see if you see anything." I get on my motorcycle and ride back and forth between the camp where she was last seen and Sanctuary.

* * *

Three miserable goddamn fucking days of nothing. It's like her trail has gone cold.

"I'm sorry," Marshall says. "Get some sleep. We'll try again in the morning."

We don't have that many hours of daylight left anymore with winter approaching.

...

I hate trying to sleep at night, if I sleep. I just think of the time I'm wasting that could be used to find Alice. Sometimes I pretend to talk to her. It's the only real comfort I have. Patiently waiting for the day she answers back. I roll over and reach for the other pillow in the bed. I wrap my arms around it tight, sighing heavily in it.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N This is intentionally a brief chapter.**

* * *

**November**

* * *

_Above my head, they're circling. The vultures want what's left of me. I sacrificed it all and I will fight. - Matt Heafy_

* * *

I stand in front of what's left of the mirror I shattered to see if I look as bad as I feel. There are dark circles under my eyes because I haven't slept right since July. I've put on more weight in my arms and shoulders from all the clearing with Lucille I've been doing. My eyebrow is split wide open from a fight with some motherfucker who tried to steal our truck yesterday. "Fuck," I groan. It's still tender. I look like a fucking maniac. I'm becoming one. My sanity is slowly slipping with every passing day. The nights are starting to get cold again, and I am more fearful for Alice than I have ever been. In total, I've found three of her knives. Maybe she does it intentionally, to show me that she's still out there. I grip the sink and hang my head, begging for the strength to keep going. It's not that I'm going to give up, I'm just not so optimistic these days. I fear that when I find her, those blue eyes that I love will have long faded into a dismal gray. "Please don't fucking take her from me," I beg. How fucking pathetic. I put on my shirt, walking into the parlor.

Sherry has brought me breakfast.

It turns my fucking stomach. I have a seat to slip on my boots.

"I wish you'd eat something."

I snatch her wrist before she touches my back. "Do not touch me."

"I'm sorry." She takes her hand from my grip, leaving me with my thoughts.

I don't want comfort from another human being because it is anything but that. Whether it be in the form of words, or touch. I just want what is fucking mine. What I am fucking owed. What I have bled, and sacrificed for, time after time. I don't want to fucking hear that we'll find Alice, because we haven't. I'm starting to forget things like mercy and tolerance. Alice would hate the man I'm becoming. She'd look up at me fearful like she did that day in the cafeteria when I belittled Mark. I can't allow myself to fall any farther than I have because I might not remember how to come back. My eyebrow is bleeding again. I can feel the blood pooling in the corner of my eye before I wipe it away with the sleeve of my shirt. Fuck. Everything I own is stained with blood. I don't even bother cleaning the tendons and flesh from Lucille anymore. My back pops when I rise to my feet. It's some relief from the constant aching. I drag my feet as my boots scuff across the floor, hesitant to start my day. I pat my front pants pockets and realize I didn't get my map off the table. Or was it in my room? Fuck, where is it? I start to panic, but try my room. I stand in the doorway, my nostrils flaring from my heavy breaths. After one menacing step forward, I splinter the wood on my door from slamming it as hard as I do. My knuckles turn white. "Do you have any fucking idea the hell I've been through?!"

"Watch how you speak to me."

I run my hand along the mantle on the fireplace as everything scatters across the floor. "I thought you were fucking dead!"

"I-"

"I fucking mourned you!"

"Do not condescend my innumerable efforts to stand here before you."

I grab her by the throat. "If you ever put me through something like that again, I'll-"

"You'll what?"

I shove her a step backwards.

She bumps into the vanity, slapping me across the face to try and assert some form of dominance over me. "You act as if I had a choice!"

"Alice, I- I fucking thought I'd never se-" I dig my fingers into her pony tail, harshly pressing my lips to hers. The last thing I'd ever want is for her to think I would hurt her. I let go of my vice grip on her throat and kiss her neck where my fingerprints have already surfaced as my other hand slips from her hair.

Her hands curl around the vanity as she lets out a soft whimper.

Is she even fucking real? Or is this some goddamn twisted hallucination of mine? I get my answer when she braces my cheeks. The way her skin feels has this certain magnetism about it. "Alice," I mouth.

"Negan," she murmurs against my lips, settling all doubts.

"Again," I hiss through clenched teeth.

Her leg slides up mine as she provocatively repeats my name.

I've thought about the moment we'd be reunited every single day. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Yet, I won't deny I'm fucking angry! Mostly because of my own arrogance. I wanted to be the one to find and bring her home. Instead, she's just here in my room like nothing ever happened. Already shutdown, waiting for the next interaction. Oh, I'll give her a fucking interaction. I quickly unlace her boot, reclaiming her lips.

Her boot hits the floor with a loud smack before it stills upright.

My hand trails back up the coarse fabric of her pants and I hold her by the hips for a brief moment before I undo her pants. I lift her up enough to get them down her legs. She only has time to take one leg out of her pants before I grab her by the thigh and yank her to the edge of the vanity. She unzips her vest and I let out a grunt of disapproval. That was something I have always looked forward to. I curl my fingers around the fabric of this muted gray shirt and rip it open. My eyes widen at the sight of skin as equally flushed as her face.

She discards her vest on the ground, taking my shirt in her hands and working it over my head.

I pull her tie off in one quick motion though maybe I should have kept it on to hold her by it. Fuck it, I'll just use her hair. I look at her one last time because her face always says what she won't.

_When you're ready, you won't be nervous. It will just happen. In that moment you won't think about how shy you are, or those men, you'll just want it._

"Yeah?"

"Yes." Her eyes drop for a brief moment when she hears the sound of my belt clanking against my pants button. She eases off her panties, letting them fall down her legs before taking one of her feet out.

I anxiously wait to feel her warmth around me. I know I can't fuck her as rough as I want because I don't want any part of her to see me as another man forcing myself on her.

She grabs my shoulders, steadying herself, eager for it like I am.

I pull myself from my pants, touching the tip of my head to her as it slides up her sensitive skin.

Her eyes widen with her mouth.

I try again, this time easing myself just barely inside her warmth.

It isn't my name, but it's a moan.

I can't help but let out a maniacal laugh watching her face twist with pleasure as I fill every slick inch of her.

Alice throws her head back as another moan escapes her lips.

I hold her by the nape, leaning over to work my tongue up her cleavage to her neck.

She tenses up and closes her eyes.

I kiss her neck several times. Despite what she thinks, my teeth will **never** touch her skin. "You feel so fucking good."

Her grip on my shoulder intensifies and her nails start to dig into my skin.

I let out a deep breath in her ear, followed by a moan. Her nails are so goddamn sharp, I grunt when they pierce my thick skin.

She draws blood before taking her hand away. It smears against my skin when she curls her fingers around my forearm.

The cool air stings my skin. I put her hand back on my shoulder, waiting to feel that pain again. My lungs expand as I deepen my thrusts, holding her tightly in place by her waist.

Her blue eyes fill with concern when she sees the veins in my neck start to surface.

"I'm fine," I exhale, "I just like to hold my breath." I guess I never realized how crazy I look when I cut my air supply off. "Shit, fuck," I moan, when she tightens around me. It must turn her on. I almost drop to my knees when her nails assault me again, this time my upper arms.

She likes the reaction I give her and does it again.

I clench my teeth together and retaliate by delving harder inside her. The front legs of the vanity start to raise up with each thrust. I'm so fucking turned on that she's not looking to make love or any of that bullshit. I pull in another lungful of air, knowing my little stoic fuck is getting close. I want my name to leave those lips, and I'm not stopping until I hear it. I spread her legs some, pulling out just enough so I can watch her tighten around me. Her arousal covers me up to the hilt. It's fucking torture to hold back as I harden even more from eyeing her over.

Her breaths are choppy and growing short. Alice reaches behind her, as it pushes her tits upward.

I don't know what to keep my attention on though I wish I would have taken that fucking bra off.

She sucks in her bottom lip, her teeth dragging across it and when she finally releases it, my name leaves her mouth.

That's it, come for me! This moment is well overdue. Several agonizing suppressed years of this fuckery.

She sits up straight, grabbing me by my nape. "Oh," she whines.

So much for watching. My eyes roll back in my skull as she contracts around me. "Fuck, fuck, Alice," I growl.

She cries out against my jawline, giving me soft little whimpers.

Oh my fucking fuck, yes! I'm smarter than this, but I am weak. I have lusted after her since the day she knelt submissively before me with Lucille across her lap. I barely pull out fast enough as I let out a harsh groan, shooting on her stomach. "Shit!" My toes curl in my boots as every muscle tenses up with them.

She watches curiously as her eyes widen each time more spills out.

"Fuck," I shout, my hips jerking violently. I drop my head against her shoulder, as the both of us try and catch our breath. Fuck. Me. "Goddamn, that was good. Fuck!" I situate myself back in my pants. "Oh, right." I wipe her stomach off with my shirt. "Sorry, I ain't usually this fucking careless." We are a sight to fucking see.

Her pants and underwear are still clinging to her right ankle.

I reach under the vanity and grab her boot, setting it by her. My arms are a fucking bloody mess. I smirk, running my fingers over the fucking claw marks she left on me.

"It wasn't my intention to draw blood." She's a liar because she was never tighter than when her nails were almost bringing me to my knees.

"I hope they're deep enough to scar," I blurt out my inner thoughts.

"Like with Lucille?"

I nod. Fuck it. She knows I'm a kinky fuck, and I know she's got a few screws loose. I rub my thumb across the scar on her stomach from where she cut herself. "It's higher than I figured." I also notice a round scar below it. "What's this?"

"Cigarette burn," she responds dryly, buttoning her shirt.

"Oh," I frown, and tilt up her chin. "Are you okay after all this?" I didn't expect her to be. I figured she'd cry, but she just nodded and got off the vanity to pull up her pants.

There isn't even a look of enjoyment.

What did I really expect though? I mean, it's Alice. I'm lucky to have got the few moans that I did. I hand her back her vest as she tucks it under her arm. "Numbers, I need to take care of a few things." I know it's fucking shitty of me to push her out the door, but I plan to pass the fuck out for two straight days knowing she's finally fucking home.

"Very well," Alice says, tying her tie as she heads for the door.

I push my eyebrows together.

She opens the door, closing it softly behind her.

"I'll be goddamned," I laugh, feeling a little used.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N This chapter is a bit somber because a lot of painful memories are going to be dug up and discussed so certain characters can heal. Just a refresher. In chapter five, Alice found four women. Clara, Hannah, Lily, and Drew. Lily died once she arrived at Sanctuary. Clara is the daughter of Hawkes and sister of Cosworth. Hannah is the wife of James. I'm going to be bringing them in the story a little bit more.**

* * *

"She's in here."

"Thanks," I tell Sherry, opening up the door in the female bathroom. Sherry found Alice huddled under one of the showers that night crying. Alice flashing back to those men after we had sex is one of my worst fears.

"Leave," Alice sobs, pushing me away.

"No, goddammit!" I flip the water off and grab a towel, wrapping her in it. "Why didn't you come to me? I thought we agreed to talk to each other? Fine, if you don't want to respond, I'll lock you in my room until you do."

She doesn't fight me on it, just cries into my chest.

"Here are her things." Sherry hooks the strap of her backpack on my arm. "People were crowding around her giving her hugs. I think she's just overwhelmed by the attention of being back, Negan."

Now I feel fucking guilty for practically pushing her out of my room. I know she gets anxious from a lot of attention. I kiss Sherry on the forehead before I leave the bathroom. "I'm sorry, I should have been there for you." Here I fucking tell her she can come to me when she's vulnerable, yet Sherry had to come and get me. I set her on the couch and wrap her in my blanket, kneeling in front of her. "Talk to me, Numbers."

"Do you really want to listen to me sob about a bunch of men and all the things they did to me?"

"No," I swallow hard, "but I will. If it means you're not constantly tormented. Maybe we should have fucking waited." It's only been a year since Vic. Christ, that's actually a lot longer than I thought.

"I wanted you, and you're right. In that moment I didn't think of them, and I wasn't second guessing myself. After everything, when I had time to think, that's when it surfaced."

I let her get some things off her chest. It's a lot to take in, and I'm disturbed by everything she tells me. She falls asleep in my lap that night as I sit beside her, running my fingers through her hair. I see so clearly why Alice tried multiple times to push me away. She did it for me, so this conversation never had to happen. We can get through this. Bryan said that Charli and he had their good and bad days. I just want to put this one behind us.

* * *

Alice slept through the night without a single nightmare. It's a huge victory for us, for her.

"You don't have to leave."

"I know you didn't sleep last night. I'll let you get some rest."

"I haven't slept since fucking July. What difference does another day make?"

"Will you look away while I dress?"

"Sure," I murmur. I wish she'd let me help her, or at least felt more comfortable around me. "I missed you so goddamn much, Alice."

"I know you're upset that I didn't follow your instructions, but undead were everywhere. I barely made it out alive and when they were out of sight, I was… lost."

I know she's fucking embarrassed to have admitted that and I want to tell her that it's alright. No one expects her to know her way around every place. "You're never leaving Sanctuary again."

She laughs, stepping in front of me.

I pull her close in my arms. "I missed this stupid fucking uniform."

She hugs me by my neck. "I missed your colorful dialogue."

"Are you really leaving?"

"I'm going to go spend time with Carl before he goes back to the Safe-Zone, then sit with Charli for a little while."

"Will you wake me up when you're done?"

"I will. Are you going to release me?"

"No."

...

_Please don't do this to me!_

"Alice," I yell, sitting out of bed. It's not often I dream about the day Vic raped her. I press my hand to my damp forehead, trying to catch my breath before getting out of bed. The sun is still out which means I haven't been asleep that long. I step into my boots, and throw on a shirt before I leave to find Alice. We still have things we need to discuss, and I know she wants to spend time with Carl and Charli, but it's going to have to wait. I grip Alice's bicep, pressing my lips against her ear. "I need you."

She moves out of my grip when Connor passes us, and waits for him to leave before she says anything. "I just said goodbye to Carl. I wanted to visit some with Charli first."

"Please." My eyes well up as I look away from her embarrassed, wiping my face. "Fucking forget it," I murmur, going back up to my room. I pace back and forth at the foot of the bed, before having a seat on my chair. My head is even more fucked up since she told me some of the things those men did to her. They were all things I hadn't read in that fucking journal. What little I was able to stomach from it.

Her boots step in front of me.

I sit up straight, running my sweaty hands down my jeans. What this all fucking comes down to is I need to know if anyone raped her while she was gone. I know that's some of the reasoning behind dreaming about Vic. That uncertainty.

"I am here."

"You just fucking come in here like it's no goddamn big deal. Like we haven't lost months, Alice," I yell. "Months!"

She eases down on my lap, studying my face as if I'm able to hide things from her.

I curl my fingers around her hip, chewing the inside of my cheek. "Did anyone touch you while you were gone?"

"You know how fearful people are towards the living. I had a few scuffles."

I violently kick the table in front of me. "Goddammit, you know I'm not fucking talking about bruises!"

"No."

"I don't fucking believe you."

"Why ask?"

I hold her by the face. "Alice, did anyone touch you while you were gone?"

"No." She grits her teeth when I touch my fingers to a gash on her scalp and ear. "My own clumsiness. I am telling you the truth."

I drop my head against the arch of her neck and let out a relieved breath. Thank Christ.

She runs a soothing hand through my hair.

I pull her back in my lap when she tries to get up and shake my head.

"You only slept a few hours."

"I want you to stay a little longer."

"I will lay with you."

"I sleep alone. You know this, Alice."

"You broke your rule on kissing-"

"No."

"Wh-"

"I don't want to have this conversation. Ever. I fucking mean it. I sleep alone."

"I apologize for pressing the issue."

I feel like I should apologize to her, but I just can't fucking sleep knowing she's beside me. Nope. No goddamn way. Stick to your convictions on this.

"I need a favor. There's a location I marked on my map, someone I made a promise to."

"Kid?"

"H- how do you-"

"She's here."

"Oh, that's a relief."

"Finn said you attacked him."

"I assumed he had malicious intentions with the child."

"Marshall pulled his machete on him, too."

"They weren't the only ones I found." Her voice is uneasy, and before she says anything it's apparent it's the Syndicate.

They're a lot bigger than Hawkes led me to believe, or they've doubled in size.

"I tracked them for all of August and September, writing down towns they decimated. Once I acquired a map from Kid, I charted my findings."

"You went back after them. After she gave you the map." That explains why she didn't come straight home.

"They are heading south into West Virginia now."

Even better.

"You seem upset with me."

"I am. You could have gotten yourself killed, or captured, but you did the right thing, Alice." I can't be mad at her for it because I should have been doing that exact same thing. I call a meeting that night so we can go over everything we know about this group, and finally take my place again as leader of the Saviors.

* * *

"You fucked Joanna behind my back!" Rachel launches her lotion container at Nicole.

"That was three years ago!"

Rachel picks up a bottle of whisky.

"Wait a fucking second," I intervene, grabbing her wrist. "You will not throw this goddamn bottle at Nicole. I don't give a fuck how mad you are at her, you don't hurt the people you care for. Ever!"

"Maybe then she'd fucking notice me!"

"You know what, I can't do this anymore with you. Negan, may I please have one of the other rooms?"

"Just go stay with Joanna," Rachel screams.

Nicole starts to pack her things as Rachel goes out onto the balcony.

"Are you okay?" I ask Nicole.

"I'm not really that upset."

"I ain't going to tell you what to do, but this shit has been going on for years, and it's not just her jealousy. Whatever this is, ain't fucking healthy. Tell Carson to give you the last room on level six."

"I'm sorry, I'm embarrassed."

"Don't be. Let me help you."

"No, Baby. I've got it." She starts moving her things down to the sixth level.

Rachel slams the balcony door. "Did she really fucking leave?"

"What do you expect? You tried to throw a goddamn glass bottle at her head!"

"Fuck her then."

"That's enough! Rachel, you can stay here a few more days, but it's time for you to go as well."

"No," she cries.

"Stop! Now I'm serious."

"Well.. are you moving Alice up here?"

"That's really none of your business."

"Don't fucking expect me to come back when she gets sick of your shit, and she **will**."

"Keep it up and you can leave today."

"Everything was fine until that mute fuck came along and ruined it," she screams.

"Get out, Rachel."

"No, I'm sorry!"

"Now!"

"Fine!"

Yeah, it fucking bothered me. It bothered me because all my wives had moved on, but Rachel. Still, it's the right fucking thing to do. I never should have allowed the girls back in the parlor because I know that it filled Alice with doubt about the kind of man I am. Now it's time I fix the living situation for good.

* * *

I lean against the lounge with my arms folded.

"Where are my things?" Alice asks.

I point to the nook by one of the windows.

"I have expressed to you multiple times on my feelings about sleeping in the parlor."

"Look around, Alice. Do you see anyone else?"

"No," she responds after a moment. "Where did your wives go?"

"I don't have wives, I haven't had wives since I've been back from the Safe-Zone. It was wrong of me to let them stay here, I see that now. It made you question certain things about me and I'm sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing by them, but that doesn't matter because you're the only one that does. If you really don't want to live here, then I'll move your stuff back."

"I will stay on one condition."

"Name it."

"That you respect my privacy."

"I added a curtain in the corner there so you can draw it. If it's down, I'll give you your privacy. Same if you're in the bathroom."

"Very well." As she gets closer to the nook, she realizes that this wasn't here before.

"I know it's not much, but it's something to call your own." I've spent the last few days building her a bookshelf, and desk. She's got her bed in the corner, along with the gear table and a chair.

"Oh, this is remarkable," she smiles. Her arms slide around me. "Thank you. I appreciate this. I didn't realize you put in the time to build me these things."

I can't take all the credit. Finn helped me out with the desk, but I'm not about to tell her that. "I'll let you get settled in." I can finally sleep knowing that she's safe in the parlor, and here because she wants to be.

* * *

Her curtain is open, so I stick my head inside. "Wanna take a shower with me?"

She blushes at my erection and shakes her head no.

I don't try to pressure her anymore. I know when she's ready, it will happen. "We leave in an hour, okay?"

"Very well."

...

"Every day from here on out is crucial that we prepare for winter. Cosworth, Finn, and James, see if you all can come up with a better way to regulate heat throughout Sanctuary. This will be our last winter without power. As soon as spring comes, we're getting those solar panels. Dwight, take Hawkes and Kid with you to hunt. Mark, you know the drill. Carson is passing a list around. Everyone note your clothing size, and what winter clothes you need so we know what to look for. It won't be a requirement that you use your points for things on that list. Molly, Cindy, Drew, and Sherry, start canning and drying everything out in the garden that's left, and move anything else over that you can to the greenhouse. Overstock we need to set aside for Rick. Two teams to scavenge. Team one is myself, Marshall, Alice, Bryan, and Olivia. Team two is Connor, Banks, Vasquez, Seth, and Tara. Team one is clothing and supplies, team two is food. Joanna, help Carson with inventory. Clara, you can help, too. Get to work."

"Alice," Kid calls, hurrying over to her. The two of them talk briefly, then Kid hugs her goodbye. Or rather she clings to Alice's leg awkwardly before she hurries off.

Alice continues to stand there like it never happened.

"What did she want?"

"She's unable to write and asked me if I'd be willing to get her clothing."

"Will you map out a few locations while we load the truck up?"

"Yes, Sir."

I like that Alice still shows me respect as a leader. Yeah, things could have been more casual, especially when you've fucked each other, but she knows how to separate her personal life from what needs to be done. Speaking of, I need to get to work and quit staring at her ass.

...

"Load up, everyone." I dig in my back pocket and hand Alice her knives.

"Excellent!"

"You leave them behind on purpose?"

"Yes."

"If you leave my side for any reason while we're gone, I'll kill you."

She starts to laugh.

"I ain't kidding."

"Is that a fact?"

"Yep."

Alice extends her arm outward, flinging a knife across the courtyard and into the chest of one of the undead we have chained up on the fence. "Good luck."

"I love foreplay," I smirk.

"Go get my knife."

"You gonna let me stick it in your vest when I get back?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"No. I will." She opens the back door on the truck. "You may watch though."

Goddamn this woman.

...

"I understand that the things in here are not a priority, but I feel there are supplies people could benefit from." Alice is talking about the Visual Arts Center.

"Marshall, pull the truck up."

There's a few undead inside, but other than that, the place is pretty quiet. We start upstairs first. There's a painting and drawing room. "Put these easels in the truck." Amber will be happy.

Alice finds a first aid kit and an eyewash station.

I pull the crank pencil sharpener off the wall and toss it in a bin that Olivia started putting small supplies in. "Bryan, load up these lockers and storage cages."

Alice has been eyeing the clock so before she climbs on the sink to get it down I hand it to her. "Thank you," she smiles.

This place has a lot more than just junk like I thought. I see potential everywhere. Down stairs is a room with sewing machines and all the things we'll need to make clothes with if needed.

Alice rolls her eyes.

"What?" I smirk, when she catches me grabbing the mannequin's tit. "She came on to me!"

"I'll give you some alone time with her."

"Do you want a feel?"

"I have my own to feel."

I adjust my pants when I start imagining that.

"That came out wrong," she blushes.

"Can I feel?"

"I don't know. Can you?"

"May I?"

Alice listens for the others, then slowly unzips her vest.

I set her on the table before I start to unbutton her shirt.

"No," she panics, closing her shirt.

"Wh- you said though!"

"Touch. Not remove!"

"You think I'd fuck you here knowing someone could walk in on us and see you naked? Goddamn, Alice, what do you take me for?" I shake my head disgusted and walk away, going to help the others.

* * *

"I wish he'd stop smoking," Olivia sighs, watching Marshall in the tobacco store like a kid in a candy shop.

"No you don't. He's a fucking nightmare without nicotine. Thought he was going to kill us all one time over them."

"Every time I even mention it, it causes a fight. I'm only trying to help."

I sink my hands in my pockets as I watch Bryan and Alice load up some things on the truck. "Pick and choose your battles."

"Yeah, you're right," she smiles. She walks into the tobacco store and taps his shoulder. They speak briefly before he gives her a kiss.

Guess I should swallow my own advice. "Need any help?"

"I do not require assistance."

This is the downside to her personality. I can't tell if she's upset, or if she's just being Alice.

"Negan?"

"Yeah?"

"I assumed you were behaving boorishly."

"I hate swine."

"Not the same," she laughs. "I apologize for my comment at the Arts Center."

I grab her tit over the vest. "Okay, I forgive you."

* * *

Marshall, Olivia, and Bryan stayed a couple streets over to finish loading the truck. There's a Police Station south that Alice wanted to check out, and I want to scout more places for another time. The snow is starting to fall and we need to get back until we know how heavy it will be. I remember what Charli said and decide to tease Alice about the way this clothing store spelled fabric.

Alice wraps her arms around me.

"I- I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I can't believe you recall that."

"I miss her, too." I hold her tighter when she tries to let go. "Sometimes, I-"

"Help," a voice screams in the distance.

Alice breaks free, pulling out a knife and running down the street.

"Wait," I yell at Alice.

"She's in troub-"

"I know, but we have to be smart about this."

"Yes, Sir."

"Follow me." We go around the voice rather than right to it.

"I don't hear her anymore." Alice sighs, tucking a knife into her vest.

Undead probably got her then.

Alice takes it so personal every time someone is in trouble and she can't do anything to save them. "There's the Police Station."

As we pass the Funeral Home, my heart stops. It's like everything goes into slow motion. I reach for her vest, yanking her backwards as it knocks her off her feet. Before she can make a noise, I silence her with my hand over her mouth. I pull her by the vest, practically dragging her. The Funeral Home door is locked so I give the door several kicks before the door gives, pushing her inside.

"What's going on?"

The sound of several dirt bikes pulling up in front of the Funeral Home gives her an answer.

She hurries over to the window, pressing her hands to it.

I count seventeen bikes as they circle around a large group of twenty five people. "Do you see Marshall and the others?"

"No, but that doesn't mean we can't assist them!"

Two trucks also pull up as more men come out of it, along with several more dirt bikes. It's an entire goddamn army. They all have guns, among other weapons. "Arm the explosives along the buildings." The man turns to the group that's been capture. "Kill the sick, the weak, and the children."

"No," Alice cries, her breath hot against the window.

I pull her against me, covering her eyes as I watch these men slaughter the children in the group. Despite their guns, they use knifes and machetes.

She might not have seen it but I'm not able to block out the sounds of the cries and shouts from the mothers filling the streets.

I've seen some of the most horrific shit before, and sometimes, even been a part of it, but I have never witnessed people rip apart children.

There's no remorse on their faces. No guilt. One of the men even makes a mockery out of it by throwing an arm at another man.

It only makes me hold Alice tighter.

Someone tries to fight back. "You're not taking my wife!" He's put on his knees.

The spokesman of this group of psychotic fucks raises his revolver at the man. "She'll be a fine specimen for Syndicate research." He fires his gun at the man, killing him instantly.

"Did he just say-"

"Yeah." Now I finally have an idea of what we're up against and it's worse than I thought. Especially because these men appear to be the grunts much like my outpost Saviors were.

Like cattle, they herd what's left of these people onto one of the trucks. "Movement in the Funeral Parlor."

"Check it out."

"Fuck, we need to hide!"

Alice looks around the room. "Close all the lids on the caskets so it doesn't look suspicious, hurry!"

She's not expecting me to get into one of these is she? "Alice, no!"

"Hurry, they're coming!" She takes Lucille from me and sets her in the casket near the window, closing it. "Negan, if they use the explosives, the steel from the casket will give us some sort of protection." She points at the casket on the end.

"Fuck!" I climb inside as she gets on top. We're barely able to shut the lid. I close my eyes and try to think about anything other than how fucking claustrophobic I am, and how I can't move my fucking legs. I don't know how I even fit in this motherfucker.

Alice trembles on top of me.

I've gotta fucking pull it together for her. I wedge my arm between us so she can hold my hand.

A loud explosion goes off, startling us both. When I hear the sounds of glass crushing under their boots, I know it's a warning shot. Or rather, a grenade. We hear one of their men scream.

"The next time you waste a grenade, it won't be your hand I take. Search the rooms."

"I'm going to bleed out."

"It would be wise to hurry then."

It goes quiet for a little while, until a gun is fired in the street.

The men come back from searching the other rooms. It's several people.

"There's nothing in here. I thought you were certain you saw movement?"

"It looked like it. The door is kicked in-" He starts to scream.

Alice grips my hand tighter.

I'm sure his eyes were gouged out for his mistake. What is fucking wrong with these people?

"Arm the explosives."

"Yes, Sir."

Fuck! I never would have thought to climb into a fucking casket for protection, but it works and we're safe. I wait until I don't hear the sounds of the dirt bikes before I push on the casket lid. It's not budging. "Shit!"

"Let me help."

"On three. One. Two. Three."

Alice lets out a grunt, using her back to try and push up on the lid.

Light slowly starts to fill the casket.

I clench my teeth, using every bit of strength I have, but we can't lift it and the inside of the casket becomes dark again. "Fuck. Fuck!" Now I'm starting to freak the fuck out. "I can't fucking breathe."

"Slow breaths."

"Alice, we gotta get the fuck out of here. Try again."

"No, listen to me. I never felt the casket fall to the ground, which means we're still on the display. Try and rock back and forth."

"I can't. I can't fucking breathe." I start hitting my forearms against the top of the casket. I won't fucking die trapped. I refuse.

"It doesn't matter how hard we push, it's not going to open. We need to get off the display. Rock back and forth."

I'm not listening to her as my hands become bloodied from punching and scratching at the top.

"It's alright!"

"It's not fucking alright! I can't breathe! I can't-" The casket comes crashing down, as it falls on its side and we spill out. "Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ, thank god." I press my lips to the dirty floor, breathing in as much air as I can. "We're alive. Thank fuck. Fuck!"

"Are you better?"

"Yes, fuck me, I, fuck."

"Will you please remove your enormous legs from me?"

"Oh, shit, sorry." I grab her hand, pulling her to me. "Thank you, Alice."

She sits up, brushing the glass from her arms.

"I never thought there would be a time where you'd be on top of me and my dick wouldn't be hard."

"Are you saying you want to go back in the casket?"

"Fuck no. I want as far as fucking possible from this place." And from these fucking lunatics. I free Lucille from her tomb as we walk outside and survey the destruction. The Police Station Alice wanted to scavenge is completely gone, left in a rubble pile. The Funeral Home isn't much better but at least we were able to get out. The destruction goes on in just about every direction.

Alice kneels down, pressing her hand to one of the children's chests.

The child has turned as it tries to bite her.

She grips her knife tight, but lowers it and starts to cry.

I finish what she can't, along with two others they've let turn.

"I apologize."

"Stop. Come on, get out of this blood."

She wipes her tears away before getting to her feet. Her fingers curl around mine, as she moves close to me. "Just for a moment, please."

I hate that the moments she chooses to be more human like are due to the worst circumstances because I don't want to push her away, but I have to so we can get out of this alive. "We need to find Marshall and the others." There's a dirt bike on the ground. It must have belonged to the man who got his eyes gouged out. "Come on," I tell Alice after a third time.

"I disli-"

"Get on the bike!"

"Alright," she whines.

...

A bullet goes right past my head, and another one into the front tire as we flip over the handle bars. I'm a little scuffed up, but nothing major. Alice's head is bleeding as I press my hand to it to help stop it.

"I will kill you if you raise your weapons," Marshall shouts back at the men.

These people must think I'm part of the Syndicate being on the dirt bike.

"He took our people! Forced them into a truck!"

Marshall kills three men when they raise their guns at Alice and me. He motions his hand for us to cross the street, while keeping his gun pointed south. There's two bodies at Marshall's feet.

Olivia is keeping pressure on a gun shot that Bryan has on his side.

Alice hurries over to Bryan and takes over for Olivia.

"They opened fire on us when we came out of the store. There's still another one on the other side of the car." Marshall reloads his gun.

It's almost like I black out. I'm not fucking playing games. Especially because they've hurt Alice, and misunderstanding or not, I don't give a fuck.

"Negan," Marshall calls.

I cross the street, walking up to the car.

The man turns around startled.

I swing Lucille across his face as the man flies into the car. "You want to shoot at what's **mine**? Fuck you!" I rip Lucille from his flesh, taking his gun as well as the others.

"What was that about?"

"You don't want to know," I grumble, throwing the guns in the back of the truck.

"He's stable," Alice informs me.

Marshall helps me put Bryan in the back of the truck, as Alice climbs in after.

I grab her arm. "Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"Okay." I rub my finger across her arm. I feel guilty for putting her on that dirt bike. "I'm sorry."

She removes my hand when I try and clean some of the blood from her forehead. "I am fine."

I sigh, shutting the back door. "Olivia, up front with Marshall and me."

...

I walk into the infirmary.

Alice is clinging to Bryan's hand.

"He okay?"

"Yes. Going to be very sore and a slow recovery, but we've stopped the bleeding," Harlan tells me.

"Give him what pain medication we have."

"Yes, Sir."

"Thank you," I tell Bryan.

The bullet he took was meant for Marshall.

"Do you want anything?"

"I'd like to talk with Alice for a little bit."

I move the gauze from Alice's head, looking it over. "Yeah. Alice, come find me when you're done."

"Yes, Sir."

"Good work," I tell Harlan and leave to help unload the truck.

"Sir, Dwight's team is still out there, but Connor's team just returned. They have others with them."

I'm not taking any fucking chances today. If they look shady, they're getting chained to my gate.

It ends up being two small children.

I thought they were part of the group we watched the Syndicate slaughter, but they've been on their own for a while.

"I've got this," Hannah smiles, taking the children inside.

This world is to the point where you even start to suspect children as malicious. "You have any problems while you were gone?" I ask Connor.

"No, but we heard explosions. You see anything?"

"You could say that."

* * *

The snow ended up being a light dusting, so we're going to one of the hospitals to search for medicine.

Marshall starts to pace back and forth. I know he wants to say something being the prompt bastard that he is, but doesn't out of respect for Alice.

"Lead a team, Marshall."

"You sure?"

"Yes. No more than a few hours."

"Alright."

Alice is also always punctual. We never have to wait on her, which means one thing. I find her sitting beside Charli. She never came to see me last night. I thought at first she was mad at me, but I think everything is just starting to surface. I have a seat in the grass with her.

She sniffs up her nose, moving her tears away. "Do you think she was in pain?"

"No. She looked at peace."

"Did you mean what you said? That you miss her?"

"Yeah. I miss her a lot."

"I suppose she's not entirely gone."

"What do you mean?"

"I see her in you."

"She's in you, too, Alice. Your strength. Your intelligence." My lip curls upward. "Your insults."

Her laugh has a sadness to it. "Charli wanted me to inform you that she would haunt your rear if you didn't behave appropriately."

"Charli said that?"

"Yes."

"Those exact words?"

"Perhaps they were slightly more vulgar and had several expletives."

I give her a kiss on the head, moving her in my arms.

"I should start preparing a location to scavenge."

"No. I sent the others to one of the nearby hospitals."

"I apologize, I lost track of time!"

"It was my choice to send them. We're going to sit here for as long as you want."

"I'd like to go back home soon. There are some things in her room I want Bryan to have."

"We can take a team in a few weeks if the weather holds up." There's still a lot of things we can scavenge in Charlottesville.

"Thank you." She's silent for almost half an hour, then her stomach growls.

"Let me make you something to eat." She agrees, so I take her into the kitchen rather than the cafeteria. "The fuck is going on in here?" I snap at Cindy. It's like a goddamn war zone, blood every-fucking-where.

Alice gets out her knife, but puts it back when she notices it's not from undead.

"I've already ruined one," Cindy cries frustrated, pointing at another carcass on the floor.

Goddamn. That's a lot of meat, too.

"Oh, no," Kid sighs, setting her bow on the counter. "Did you cut too far in and hit the gut sack?"

"I don't know."

"Let me do it."

Cindy presses the back of her hand to her nose and dry heaves.

"Get the fuck out of here and go help the others can if you're going to throw up."

"Yes, Sir."

I push my eyebrows together when I see Alice hugging Kid. "I'm relieved you're unscathed."

"Aware of my surroundings. Just like you," Kid smiles at her.

Seeing those dead children really fucked Alice up, and I know children frighten her, but it doesn't mean she's heartless towards them. "Alright, finish your task," Alice instructs Kid.

I look over at Alice. "You still hungry?"

"Are you trying to get out of preparing lunch?"

"No," I laugh. "What do you want?"

"I'm not picky." She sits still for all of fifteen seconds before she starts cleaning the kitchen.

As if one stoic fuck isn't enough, now I've got another one.

Kid doesn't utter a sound until she asks for help to get the deer outside.

I finally feel like Alice and I are truly alone, so I lean over the counter and press my lips to hers.

She's anything but reserve today, her tongue sweeping against mine.

However, when I ask her to go upstairs, she pulls away from me.

"I'm sorry."

I try not to show the disappointment on my face. Is she ever going to want me again? It's been almost two weeks.

...

I set her down in her bed. "Do you think I could have one of those photos of you?"

"Sure, would you like one with Charli and me?"

"Uh. Just you. By yourself, no other dudes or anything."

"Here, you may choose one."

I pick out one of her tucking hair behind her ear, the rest of it in a braid. Big blue's staring back, and those fucking lips, oh my god. "I'll take this one."

"Very well. I require sleep now."

I start to laugh. "You sure you're alright?"

"I'm certain. Thank you for spending your day with me."

"Yeah, well, we kinda got a lot of fucking time to make up for."

"Yes," she smiles, "we do."

* * *

Shit, my dick's harder than it was to get that vest off Alice. I reach inside my end table and pull out that picture of her, stuffing it in my pocket before I go in the parlor. Good. She's asleep. I close the bathroom door, setting her picture against the soap dispenser before I pull myself out. Fuck, I love this picture. Those fucking lips. Yeah, fucking those lips. I take in a deep breath, working my hand faster. Her fingernails clawing at me. I try to suppress my moans, letting out a whine.

The rusty hinges on the door give Alice away before her mouth does. "Oh," she panics, slamming the door shut.

I've always thought I wanted to get caught, but it's nothing more than a cock block. I press my hand to the counter top, letting out a deep breath. Fuck! Well, at least I'm not fucking hard any more. Goddammit. I put myself away and hurry in the parlor. Her curtain is down, but I think we're passed that right now.

She stares back at me owl eyed. "I apologize, Negan."

"Don't cry, it's really not that big of a deal." I sit down next to her.

"You shouldn't have to pleasure yourself."

"I had five wives and still jerked it. It's nothing new to me."

She's even more embarrassed if that's possible.

"Alice, I didn't want you to feel like I was pressuring you."

"It's never stopped you before."

"I've asked you to shower with me, but you turned me down. I tried to bring you back upstairs last night, you said no. What am I supposed to do?"

"Are you going to have intercourse with someone else?"

"No! Alice, this is fucking ridiculous. Look, I know you don't want to, but let's talk about it."

"About?"

"About what makes you uncomfortable."

"I don't understand."

"Alright, take me for example. I don't like to fuck completely butt ass naked. I don't fuck in the missionary position, and I sure as fuck don't fuck in bed."

"Yes. Nudity. That is an issue of mine, as well."

"But, why?" I frown. Those titties. That ass! Is she serious?

"My skin is mutilated," she whines, as her eyes sink.

So, it's more than just some shy bullshit. Fuck. "I've seen the mutilation on your back, and the teeth marks on your chest."

"How can you see the bite marks on my flesh and say it arouses you?"

"It's not like that. They're just marks."

"No, they are not just marks."

"Say those were stretch or birth marks, do you really think that makes a difference to me? I don't see any of that. I see you, Alice."

"That's not the same."

"It is though! For fuck's sake, do you know how long I've wanted you? You think I'm going to get your pants off, see the bite marks on you, and move on to someone else?"

"Negan, do not belittle my concern."

"Don't assume that I'm a superficial fuck."

That gets her attention. She puts her arms around my neck.

"Now what else?"

"Thank you, Negan."

"Don't avoid my question."

"I'm uncertain. This is still new for me."

I hold her outward. "New for you?"

She keeps her eyes down, ashamed.

"There was never anyone before those men?" Her silence tells me there wasn't. "Fuck," I murmur, running my hands down my face.

"I'm not pushing you away intentionally."

"I know it won't be forever, but I can't help but feel like you won't ever want me again. That day was fucking incredible. I hadn't seen you in so goddamn long, then there you fucking were. I couldn't help myself."

"I believe this conversation is exactly what I needed to help me put these uncertainties at ease."

"Yeah?" I smirk.

"Yes."

"Well.. you, uh. Wanna help me finish?"

"You had a good grip on it."

I let out a loud laugh. Sometimes I don't know if she's just being Alice or if she's really fucking with me because this ain't the first time she's had some witty sexual retort. Maybe I don't give her enough credit. I think I've also been going about things the wrong way. I've been tipping around this subject, and maybe it turns her off. Maybe she needs that confidence like I've always had. Yeah. I think so. I hope so.

* * *

"Listen up," I start, having a seat at the head of the table. "Every winter some of you get a little fucking stir crazy. With the addition of Finn, we can start construction on the south side of Sanctuary."

"A bar," Connor, Seth, Tara, and Rachel all agree.

"I went to school to be a bartender," Cosworth adds.

I can't say I disagree with them.

"With a stripper pole." Connor raises his eyebrows up and down at Joanna before she slugs him. "Shit."

"What about something more family friendly. Like a bowling alley? We'll have to retrieve the ball and set the pins up manually, but it could work," Mark suggests.

"Why can't we do both?" Marshall says.

"What about something for the girls?" Sherry asks.

"Like I said, stripper pole."

"Shut up, Connor," the women yell at him.

"Bar, no stripper pole, and a bowling alley. Agreed?"

It's a unanimous yes from everyone and Vasquez gives me a thumbs up.

The snow has come in, so I dismiss everyone for the day. I want to finish my motorcycle so I can finally have it up and running this spring. The one I'm using now is on its last ride.

Alice sits on my work bench, reading her book.

I want to give her 'The Time Machine', but I want it to be at the right moment. I glance up from the bike every now and then to notice her eyeing me. It's not often I get that look from her so you better fucking believe I'm going to make her squirm. In fact, when we go up to the parlor, I'm fucking positive she wants my dick, but I tell her I'm tired. Yeah. Suffer.

* * *

"Thought you guys were trying to have a baby?" I ask Dwight when he gets a box of condoms off the shelf.

"Were. Sherry is a little freaked out about this new group."

"I didn't tell anyone this yet, but Alice and I got a glimpse of them. What Hawkes' group says is true. They round up other groups and take them back to experiment on after they kill the children and the weak. Their numbers are impressive, and there's no telling how many they really fucking have."

"I'm tired, Negan."

"I know. Believe me, but I need you."

"We've been doing this for years now, and some days I don't feel like we're progressing."

"We will once we get solar panels. Then we can be more selective about who we send on runs because we won't have to exhaust as many resources having electricity."

"I hate being away from Sherry while we're gone. I worry that something is happening here and I'm miles away, but then I see Alice out there with you and I don't know if I'd want that either. So yeah, working towards being out less on the road, I'm all in fucking favor for."

"If you want to start a family, you should do it because there's always going to be someone at our throats."

"I just want to be happy with her. You and Alice want kids?"

"Take your rubbers and get the fuck out."

"Sorry, dumb question," he laughs.

I point at the door. "Out."

"Tch," Connor scoffs at me after Dwight exits the supply room.

"The fuck is that look for?"

"I remember the days when you and I used to be on the same side about shit."

"Is this about the goddamn stripper pole?"

"It's more than that. You know, things were fine before you started nailing that bitch-"

I hit him across the jaw.

He slugs me back in the ribs and the face.

I tackle him face first to the floor, putting his hands behind his back.

"Fuck you! You're the one who changed. Not me."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" I stand up, kicking him in the hip.

"Alright, fuck," he groans, rolling over on his side.

"You have no idea how bad I will fuck you up the next time you take a swing at me again, motherfucker."

He pushes himself up off the floor.

"What is your fucking problem?"

"I told you, shit changed."

"How?"

"You haven't played poker in almost a fucking year. I don't even know where my paintball gun is because we don't use them. Do you even know how to play ping-pong anymore?"

"All this fuckery because you fucking miss me? Get the fuck out of here!"

"Man, fuck you. I never should have fucking said shit."

"Connor, you threatened me at the thought of taking Joanna back. You're telling me you wouldn't devote every minute to finding her if she went missing?"

"Look, forget it."

"You should have thought about that before you came in here and took a swing at me."

"Normality, man. Without you, it falls to shit, but you just took off on us."

"Well, I'm here now."

"It ain't even Alice I'm fucking mad at. I know you had your reasons. I just wanna get back to the things that remind me why I'm out there every day risking my life."

"We will. We are."

"Friday?"

"Yeah."

"Well, give me a fucking cigar then."

Guess I don't realize my importance here, and not just as their leader. "You can have your goddamn pole."

"Really? Fuck yeah. Yeah. Give me some of those cake things Joanna likes, I gotta start sucking up to her."

In five years, I never once saw Joanna use the pole at the club, but it's fucking funny to let him think that.

...

"The fuck? No. Put that shit back," I tell Carson when he grabs some perfume.

"It's not for me!"

"Who is it fucking for? And you better not fucking say Alice!"

"Clara."

I fold my arms.

"She kept looking it over when we were doing inventory together the other day. I thought it would be a nice surprise. Uh, your eyebrow is-" He points at it.

I wipe the blood away with my sleeve. "You better talk to Hawkes before you start trying to fuck his daughter. I don't want to find you with a rifle stuck up your ass. Unless you're still able to do inventory with it up there."

He sets the perfume back on the shelf. "Then again, nothing wrong with being single."

"Take the goddamn perfume."

"I'd like two of the lockers please."

"Yeah, I'll bring them up to you later."

"Hi," Carson blushes, "I'm done." He steps from the room and in walks Alice.

"What happened to your face?"

"Nothing."

She takes my bandana from my pocket, pressing it to my eyebrow.

I'd probably register pain if she didn't just stick her hand down my pants. "That was fucking forward."

"Are you implying you didn't enjoy it?"

Why does everything this woman do make my dick hard? It hasn't even been a fucking hour since I jerked it. "You're turned on, aren't you?"

She pulls the fabric away from my face. "What?"

"Yeah, see, I think you like it when I'm all bloody. Like last night when I split my forearm open."

"It's not a desire of mine to see you injured."

"I'm hardly fucking wounded." I slap the door shut. "Look, I even remembered the fucking door this time."

She shoves the bandana against my chest. "Now if only you remembered how to use the lock."

"Pretending you don't want me is getting real fucking old. Unless you like role-playing." I raise my eyebrows up and down.

Alice mulls over the soap, trying to decide what to spend her points on.

"You know," I saunter up behind her, running my fingers up the curve of her ass, "being with me has its perks," I simper.

"Do not speak to me as if I'm one of them. I earn my points. I don't get on my knees for them."

I let out a sigh and take my hand from her. "Alice, you take all the goddamn fun out of everything. You know I'm fucking joking. Don't start with that objectifying bullshit. I just wanted to fuck around a bit, goddamn."

She slaps me across the face, busting my lip open. "You don't objectify? Open a dictionary. You're degrading towards me when I don't **let** you inside me."

"Are you out of your fucking mind!? The fuck! Now you're pissing me the fuck off," I growl.

"Oh, I apologize. Did my mouth offend you? That's quite the change."

"Fuck you, Alice."

"You may not."

"I ain't fucking around," I yell.

"You are correct about that."

"Sometimes I just want to-"

"You want to what?" She takes a step forward, retrieving a knife.

I swallow hard when she twirls the knife.

"That's what I thought. Do not **ever** threaten me, am I understood, Negan?"

"Y- yes." I ain't gonna lie, I'm a little fucking scared right now. Truthfully, she's kind of always scared me, especially the time she put a knife to my dick. I guess, to be fair, I was pretty turned on, too. Fuck, she looks pissed. All this over a fucking joke?

"You will learn the right way to speak to me if you want me to take you serious."

I nod nervously.

She eases her knife back in her vest. "You may speak."

"May.. I get, uh.. some head? Please?"

Alice lowers on her knees and unbuttons my pants.

Oh, fuck yes! That fucking worked? I get my damn boxers caught in the zipper. Fuck it.

She's already pulled me from my pants.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

She's reserve at first, well, I guess as reserve as one can be as she slowly strokes my length.

I'll come like this, I don't care.

Her hand stills and then her tongue moves lightly along my underside. She even gets the tiny drop of precome off the tip before she curls her tongue back in her mouth, her eyes gauging my reaction. Oh, she gets a fucking reaction all right.

My eyes roll back in my fucking head as I let out a harsh groan. She tries to fit some of me in her mouth as I slide farther in between her lips and she uses one of her hands to move with her. Goddamn, her little mouth is so fucking hot. Those pouty lips. I can't believe this is fucking happening. My moans echo throughout the room. She trades out her hand and I'm hoping she's not getting tired. Who am I kidding though? I'm not going to last much longer. I take a deep breath, holding it as long as I can.

Her tongue circles around my head before I hit the back of her throat.

"Yeah, Alice. Fuck. Just like that," I exhale, running my teeth over my bloody lip. Shit, I forgot she busted it open when the metallic taste hits my tongue. I suck it off, releasing my lip only to moan her name again. My stomach tightens in anticipation. I pull out of her mouth, still twitching. "I'm going to fucking come."

She slaps my hand away when I start to stroke it myself, and swallows as much as she can of me.

"Holy fuck!" She's going to let me come in her mouth? I mess up her pony tail with how hard I grab a hand full of her hair, my hips now moving in rhythm with her. "Fuck." I move her by the head a little faster, trying to go deeper. One last breath fills my lungs. I fucking lose it the second she looks up at me through her lashes. "Fuc- shit," I moan, releasing inside her mouth. My eyes shut uncontrollably as I force them back open to watch everything she does. I dig my fingers deeper in her hair, keeping her pace steady, until I pull out. "Goddamn," I grunt, followed by a tiny whimper. "What the fuck just happened?" I help her off her knees.

She licks her swollen lips, giving me a shrug.

Fuck that little stoic shrug.

"Perhaps you are not the only one that wanted to role-play."

I'm fucking speechless, and still hard as I try and force myself back into my pants.

"I'm going to take both of these for my services, since, being with you has its privileges."

"You are fucking incredible."

Alice starts to smile, but blushes. She throws her arms around me. "Just so we're clear, I don't believe you'd objectify me."

My lip curls upward as I press them to the top of her head. "I've always liked it when you're bitchy."

"Then we will mesh well together. I find being in control of a situation satisfying."

I finally have my questions answered, and this shit is fucking behind us. She wants to be in control. That way it doesn't seem to her like she's being forced into anything. It's what turns her on. Fucking fine by me. Goddamn, I hope she slaps me around a bit. I wouldn't mind a few scars from her nails. A stigma to show I belong to her. Right on my fucking throat. "I will gladly become submissive, on my knees, any time for you."

She lets go of me, heading for the door. "Extraordinary! Enjoy your day, and I will eagerly wait for another chance to make you whimper."

I run my hand over my mouth, giving her that whimper.


	19. Chapter 19

I set Alice down in her bed as she wakes up disoriented. "You fell asleep outside next to Charli, which I don't have to tell you how fucking stupid that is!"

"I lost track of time."

"Every week it seems like this place is growing, and that can be very fucking dangerous with my position. I can't do it again, Numbers."

"You're concerned what happened with Vic will repeat itself?"

"You've seen what they will do to you to get to me. Falling asleep out in the open makes no goddamn sense because it can be avoided."

"I apologize."

"Alice, I-"

Carson comes barreling in the parlor doors. "Sir." He hunches over, grabbing his knees. "Six people." He's out of breath. "At the front door."

"Wake everyone up, now!"

"Right away."

"No, Alice. Not you. Get back in your bed. I don't have the fucking time to fight with you on this."

"I will not wait for your return only to find it's someone else."

"Very fucking unlikely scenario."

She hurries after me. "This is a situation where I could be of assistance."

My men have gathered in the cafeteria with their weapons. "They even so much as shout, you fuck them up."

This group looks starved, weak, but that doesn't mean shit. Especially with their arsenal of weapons. "My name is-"

"I don't give a baker's fuck what your name is! This is private fucking property."

"I understand your position. Six men show up in the middle of the night, armed to the teeth. We didn't exactly know what to expect either." He takes a step forward.

Alice chucks her knife into the gravel in front of his boot. "Far enough."

"Reach for that gun, I fucking dare you," I sneer. "You'll be fucking dead before it even leaves the holster." Common fucking sense dictates in a situation like this you fucking hightail it. Only they're too stupid to leave, cemented in place. Maybe it's fear. Good.

"We can see it's foolish to try anything, and we won't. You've got several military men, a member of BOPE, and police personnel. We've been on our own since the beginning. Lost men, gained men. Living out there ain't a fucking option anymore. You send us away, you'll kill us."

"Ask me if I give a shit."

"Whatever we gotta do to be a part of this."

"Your weapons. All of them."

The leader nods at the other men as a pile starts to form at my feet.

I look over at Vasquez so he can start patting them down, and luckily for them, they're not hiding anything. "You stay on the east side tonight." I grip Lucille tighter. "Outside."

"What? It's gotta be twenty degrees."

"You've been on your own all this time. You'll manage."

"Look, we got off on the wrong-"

_We got off on the wrong foot._

My eye twitches. "There's the fucking fence with the other applicants who didn't quite fucking make the cut."

"Outside is fine. Thanks."

Dwight, Marshall, and Hawkes collect their weapons as we go back inside Sanctuary.

"Other applicants? Goddamn," Connor laughs.

"Marshall, the infirmary window faces east-"

"I'm on it. Might get to use my .50 caliber, boys," he snickers.

"Vasquez says he will also take watch," Alice tells me.

I give him a nod.

"Glad we didn't go through that initiation," Hawkes chuckles.

"It used to be standard that you stayed outside until you earned the points to be one of us."

"What changed?"

"I haven't really felt the need, but people showing up at our front door doesn't fucking happen."

"I've got my daughter and son to worry about. You better believe I'd fight to the death to defend this place."

"Daddy, is everything okay?" Clara asks.

"Back to bed," he tells her, as the two start for the steps.

"You worried?" I asked Dwight.

"They could have shot you the second you opened those doors, but they didn't."

"So let's hear it. How I made the wrong decision having them sleep outside."

"Fuck them, coming in our home like that. I'm going to take watch, too."

Alice is by my side with her hands folded.

"Look at you getting all protective over me out there and shit," I simper.

"The opportunity presented itself, I took it."

"How did it go again?"

"Are you implying you'd like to role-play? I rather enjoyed it."

"Whatever gets you on your knees." We didn't even make it up to the parlor. Instead, I was shoved against the wall in her old room. It's actually pretty sad because I don't last more than forty five seconds from a damn blowjob.

She doesn't ask for anything in return, and silently starts back upstairs.

Shit, she's the best fuck buddy I've ever had!

* * *

I'm meeting with the leader of the group that showed up last night.

"Name's Leon."

Strike one for this motherfucker.

"Everyone calls me Lee though, guess Leon's too long a name."

I'm hardly fucking amused at his attempt to be comical.

He clears his throat. "I ain't gonna lie to you and say we're upstanding citizens. A few of them are just hot-headed, but those are the men you want on your side. Especially, when you're fighting for your supper every night."

"You said there were more of you."

"Twelve at one point. Six of us were taken."

"By whom?"

"I don't know. A bigger group. After they killed one of my men for not cooperating, they loaded the rest in a big white truck."

Alice moves her map against the table to him. "Do you recall your location?"

"Here. We were close to the water." He points at a place in Maryland.

"How long ago was that?"

"A week ago give or take."

I look over at Alice.

"Syndicate have multiple groups," Alice says before I can.

Fuck me.

"I'll mark the location on our main map," Alice tells me, standing up.

Lee watches Alice leave. "Couldn't help but notice you have a lot of women here-"

I reach back and slug him in the face. "Are you implying you're going to rape my women, you stupid fuck!"

He puts his hands out. "Just wanted to know what the setup is like, that's all. A lot of my men ain't seen a woman in months-"

I snatch him by the throat, pulling him against the table, and he's not a small guy by any means. "Anyone in your group slurs one fucking word towards them, **especially** that one, I'm adding six dickless motherfuckers to my fence!" I shove him back in his seat.

"I'll relay the message," he coughs.

"We do **not** rape, and the last man who tried, I fed them their fucking intestines."

"I can tell you feel strongly about it-"

"You should, too."

"Alright, let's both fucking breathe. Look, I'm forty five and never begged a day in my life. Worked on an oil rig for almost twenty two of them so I'm no stranger to hard work. You want us to pull our weight, we will. Otherwise, we might as well be on our way. But, please. Don't send us back out there."

"Your men as eager to work as you?"

"They are."

I've got this perfect job for these fucks, and one that my men bitch about doing every fucking year. We keep a shed towards the back of Sanctuary. Inside is all the wood we dry out over the course of the year. "All this needs to be moved inside and stacked next to our furnaces. Once it's cleared out, start chopping new wood so it can dry." It might have been bitch work, but they didn't complain. Even with six people, it will take them a few days so I'm more at ease knowing they'll be occupied. "Hey," I shout at Grady, kicking the leg of his chair.

He snorts and sits up straight. "What, huh? Oh, yes, Sir?"

"Tell Banks to take your post, then go help Mark." Jesus Christ, the last thing we need are fucking guards asleep at their post giving off the impression we're some fucking joke.

Hawkes is standing next to Clara as she eats.

I don't think that assault rifle leaves his hands. "That group from last night is going to be hauling in all the wood. Banks has got the front door. Why don't you go in the kitchen and keep an eye on them from there. There's a table in there she can finish eating at."

"Yes, Sir."

Connor takes it upon himself to watch the group from level seven. "I don't believe my fucking eyes."

"That they're pulling their weight?"

"No, that I don't gotta fucking bring in that bullshit from the shed."

"You're welcome."

...

We're stuck here because of the weather. Alice isn't in the parlor when I get back, so I go inside her room and snoop around. I find what I'm looking for in a rolled up piece of cloth under her bed. She's been using her father's knives since she found them, but complains she doesn't feel as accurate with them like she was hers. She's down to four of hers. I pull one from the cloth and bring it to the basement to try and duplicate six more for her. What I thought would take me ten minutes takes ten goddamn hours, but they're damn near perfect. At least, they look like it. Might be a different fucking story when she goes to throw the shit. I slip the knives in the piece of cloth and leave before she gets out of the shower.

* * *

"What are you doing?" I smirk as Alice stands behind me.

"Watching you repair your bike."

"Pervert." She doesn't respond, so I look over my shoulder at her. Alice doesn't often show an expression on her face, but I've learned by now when she's turned on. Her lips don't exactly meet and her wide eyes fixate on one thing as she refuses to blink. Today, it's where my pants line meets my lower back. Maybe I should go shirtless more often. "Wanna play with my tools?"

"Will I become dirty?"

"Very," I grin devilishly.

She doesn't bat an eye.

I stand up and turn around, moving my arms outward. "What do you think?"

Alice slowly eyes every inch of dirt over until her eyes settle on my left shoulder.

I'm such a bastard. I almost ruin it by laughing, so I turn back around. "I'm going to be a while," I tell her, squatting back down.

"How much longer?"

"I wouldn't wait up. I've got a lot to do."

"I will assist you."

"Nah, you'll probably just slow me down."

"Tell me what to do."

"Alright, come around here. Now put your hand here and keep it steady."

"Like this?"

"Yeah, but don't move it."

I reach across her, making sure my bicep is close to her face. "You can breathe, just don't move."

Her face flushes.

I don't even need her help, and she's holding something that's already fixed in place.

"Negan, I-"

"Here, take this." I hand her a wrench, then turn around and walk over to the workbench.

"Are we almost done?"

"We just started. I thought you said you wanted to help?"

Alice swallows hard. "I didn't come down here to help."

"So leave-"

"I want you."

I turn around and give her a wolf sharp grin. "Then come and fucking get me."

She chucks the wrench to the side and hurries over to me.

I grab her by the ass, hoisting her up.

Her fingers curl around my neck before her lips press firmly against mine.

"I fucking knew it," I growl, knocking several things on the floor when I shove her on the workbench.

Her fingers slip against my skin from the grease and sweat before she gets a chance to latch onto me.

"Yeah," I grunt. I get her pants off just enough, pushing her panties to the side. No bullshit, no foreplay, I just want to be inside this woman. We're starting to make this a habit. I even leave that fucking vest on, keeping my grip on her tie as I thrust my hips violently. It's all the years built up that needs its release. I can't fucking help it, her pussy is so good. I'd tell her that if she wouldn't slap the holy fuckedy fuck out of me for it. She does like it when I have a bloody brow. I'd love to get inside that head of hers. See what the fuck she's thinking right now. She's probably thinking how the fuck did a bastard like me get this far inside her? Though I'm sure it's more sophisticated sounding and shit. I suck in a sharp breath, trapping it in my lungs.

"Oh," she moans, tightening around me.

Thank fuck because I'm only holding back for her. I love watching her little facial spasms. Her mouth as wide as it can go. My name leaving it when she finds her release hard around me. I've never been so fucking careless in my life, jerking my hips back just in time to spill on the floor. Fuck. I brace the workbench with my hands, catching my breath.

She moves off it and wiggles her pants back up her hips.

I keep waiting for a fucking reaction from her afterwards. Instead, I just get heavy impassive eyes. Maybe I fucked the reaction right out of her. Yeah, keep telling yourself that. "You running off now?"

"Yes, we're done here."

I give her a breathed laugh and start to collect my tools on the floor I knocked off.

Alice pulls the knives I made her from her vest.

"Aww, and here I thought you fucked me because you were turned on."

"I didn't plan on thanking you with intercourse."

I'll never understand why being dirty or bloody turns her on because of what a freak she is about being clean, but I ain't going to question it. I'm just happy to be able to fuck her again.

Alice points to the small etched N on one of the knives.

"In case anyone admires them, it's my trademark."

She sees right through my bullshit, but humors me. "I'll be sure to inform them."

"Guess, I, uh. I'll get back-" The wrench slips from my hand. "To the bike." I drop it twice trying to pick it back up. "Back to the bike. To working on it." I knew initialing those were a bad idea. You pathetic fuck…

* * *

The sun hasn't come up yet, but at least I got some sleep. I hurry from my room and to the bathroom to make sure we don't have a repeat like last time, but she's not in there. Her curtain is down, and I know I fucking promised her to stay out, but at least I'll have a good reason when she slaps me. I don't hear anything, so I barely move the curtain to poke my head in. She's asleep, however she's not alone. The fuck?

Kid looks at me with big eyes, hurrying off her bed.

"Hold it," I whisper, grabbing her arm before she makes it too far from the parlor.

"Please don't tell, please."

"You have nightmares or some shit?"

She breaks free and runs out of the parlor.

...

Alice is in a mood today. She's probably on the rag. Guess I'm back to jerking off for a while. You'd think we were back to the days when she first came to Sanctuary. I leave her the fuck alone because we can't seem to agree on anything and now she's refusing to speak to me.

...

"Negan. Your. Fucking. Turn."

I can't focus on anything other than Bryan's goddamn arms around Alice. Family in law, whatever the fuck they are, I don't fucking care. I'd rather have a kick to the nuts than watch someone's hands on what's mine. I let my cards fall to the table.

"The fuck?" Connor says.

"Gotta take a fucking piss." I know I look fucking insane as I watch the two of them go up to his room. If she goes inside, I'm going to put another bullet in him. "No motherfucking way," I snap, starting for the steps. The only reason I don't kick his door in is because they've left it half way open, so I do the even more jealous thing and listen in on them.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm lonely, Alice."

You motherfucker, keep that dick in your pants.

"Charli told me she wanted you to be happy, and she knew that meant you finding someone else."

"I loved her so much, I can't imagine finding that with someone else. If Negan died, what would you do? Move on?"

Oh, fuck! I don't want to hear this shit! Leave! Leave right fucking now! Why are you still here?

"I'd feel like I'd have no reason to continue a life that he's not a part of."

I push my eyebrows together, feeling sick. I'm a fool. Charging up here like some fucking maniac. This conversation isn't meant for me to hear. Even if something did happen to me I don't want that for her! I trudge back down stairs before, god forbid, she fucking tells him she loves me. That will crush me because it's not something I can return.

"That was the longest piss ever," Connor gripes.

"I'm surprised you didn't start jerking each other off while you waited."

Carson rolls his eyes. "Anyways."

"Anyways? You'd be the first one pulling your dick out." Connor points at me. "Probably blow this sorry fuck hoping he'd taste like Alice."

"For your information, I've moved on from Alice," Carson corrects him.

"Yeah, who? Grady? The two of you trading favors for pills, you druggy fucks. Look at him over there, asleep at his post, cough syrup in his hand," Connor laughs.

"Moved on? I saw the way you looked at her in the supply room, cheeks blushing and shit."

"I don't wish to pursue her considering she's no longer available. Better?"

"Yeah, that's what I fucking thought." I flick a card at him.

"I'm still not convinced it's a woman." Connor leans back and folds his arms. "Come on, what's his name?"

"Clara," he smirks confidently.

Cosworth looks up from his cards. "Is that a fact?"

I try to contain my laughter because Carson doesn't realize they're siblings.

"That's right. What, you don't believe me?"

"No. I don't," Cosworth simpers.

Carson gets a panicked look on his face as we all start to laugh at him when he realizes who Cosworth is. "Oh, shit, I forgot you're-"

"Yep!"

"Well. Guess I'll be moving to the Safe-Zone."

"Want help packing your things?" Cosworth asks before laughing.

"You could ask Hawkes," I shout at Carson.

He runs even faster up the steps.

...

"Alice," I call. "I know you're not asleep, let me in."

"Alright."

I step inside, sitting on her bed. "I don't like how things ended this morning between us."

"It was wrong of me to become short with you."

I still can't get over the fact she admits when she's wrong, and apologizes. "What's wrong, Alice?"

"I'd rather not discuss it."

"Well why not?" I hate when she gives me her blank stare, yet she has fucking tears that pool in her eyes.

I pick her up, and take her to my room, setting her down on my bed.

It changes her mood instantly when she knows how rare this opportunity is. "Oh," she blushes. "Your bed?"

"Well, shit, nothing gets past you."

She sinks down on it, starting to smile. "It's exceptionally comfortable."

"Uh huh."

"Are you sure?"

"This is a one-time thing, so don't get used to it."

"I- I won't." She moves her arms and legs out, trying to take up as much room as possible.

"It's just a bed."

"Oh, this is a feather pillow!"

I start to laugh, watching her touch everything in the bed. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed, but I don't expect anything less from the fucking nerd. Even when she starts rolling side to side.

She rubs the sheets against her cheek before she lays her head down on the pillow, then sniffs it. "It smells like you," she smiles.

"Fuck. I hope so."

"Thank you, Negan."

"Yeah. Whatever. I'm going to shower. Don't be sniffing my underwear now."

Her eyes widen. "That drawer is atrocious!"

I slam it shut. "And don't go straightening my shit, either! Go to sleep."

"How do you find anything?"

"I use my fucking eyes. Shut yours."

...

Fuck. Did I doze off? I open my eyes, sitting up straight on the chair. "What's wrong?" I ask, clearing my throat.

Alice is slumped over on the bed. She looks at me, tucking some hair behind her ear. "I'm having a difficult time sleeping."

"Bad dreams?"

"That would imply I've been asleep."

"Alice, I'm exhausted. Don't make me ask a million questions."

"You may have the bed. I'll go back to the parlor."

"I don't want the fucking bed. I want you to tell me what is fucking wrong with you so I can fix it."

"It's Charli's birthday today."

"Oh." My eyes sink. "Oh," I murmur. Now we have a reasoning for her mood, and her conversation with Bryan. Fuck, I don't know what to say to this woman.

"I apologize," she whispers, laying back down. Alice tries so desperately to choke down her tears, but I can hear the soft sniffles against the sheets.

The longer these cries continue, the more I start to break until I can't fucking take it anymore. I owe her to at least try. It's the right fucking thing to do. I stand up, taking off the belt my knife is on, then setting it on my nightstand.

She looks over her shoulder at me.

I press my knee to the bed, taking my shirt off before I lay down.

"Uh," she stammers.

"Come here." If there was any space at all between us, she would have found it, trying to scoot even closer against my side. "Will you get comfortable?"

She nods, becoming still.

Now I'm uncomfortable. Why anyone in their right mind would want to do this is beyond me. My arm is trapped under her and I'm certain it's going to cut off the circulation. "Will you just," I grunt, pulling my arm back some, "turn over." She rolls over, her back to me and this is even worse than before. I don't know what to do with my arm, so I shove it under the pillow. "This is fucking ridiculous. How can anyone even sleep like this?"

"You don't have to hold me." She moves out of my arms.

It's not even that. It's not about the temperature, or being comfortable. I run my hands down my face, letting out a deep breath.

"Are you alright?"

"Not fucking really."

"What's wrong?"

"Alice, go to sleep."

"Do you want me to leave?" She rolls over and studies my face. "Negan?"

"Alice, sleeping is the most vulnerable point of our human existence. Experiencing that with someone defines intimacy. It's a level of trust that goes above anything else."

"I didn't know you felt like that."

I trust this woman. Without a fucking doubt. "Don't think that I don't want that with you."

"Just not at this moment."

"I'm sorry."

I watch her start to step down onto the floor, but she lifts her leg up.

She does this three times before letting out a whine.

I remember her thing about her bare feet on the floor. This woman has sacrificed time after time for me. How can I be this fucking selfish? She's clearly upset over Charli and here I'm shoving her out. All I do is tell her no on everything and I'm tired of disappointing her. "Come back."

She shakes her head no.

"I want you to."

"No," she moans like she's in pain.

"What's wrong?"

She starts to cry. "Your floor is burning my feet. May I go now?"

I do the only thing I can think of and carry her into the bathroom, setting her on the counter. She continues to sob while I wash her feet off. I don't make a big deal about it like Charli told me. Instead, I just wash her feet until her tears stop, going through the rest of this bar and half way into another. It's the strangest thing I have ever done for another human being, but it makes me realize just how much she must trusts me. I decide to do the same for her and let her into a small piece of my world. "I was sleeping with my mom one night, and I tried so hard to stay awake, but I was exhausted. When I woke up, she was cold. The bed was bloody and she wouldn't answer me. I knew my father came home drunk in the middle of the night and hurt her. I thought he killed her, I was **certain** he killed her. I should have woken up. Fought him off. Protected her. I didn't, and I almost fucking lost her."

"You don't want to open your eyes and see me like that."

"Yeah." I carry her back to her bed, but it's only to get her boots so when she wakes up, we don't have another episode.

"Are you certain?"

My mom used to say that you could take a painful memory and replace it with something good. Maybe I can do that with Alice. "I owe it to you to try." It helped talking to her because I've always been ashamed by my sleeping habits. The bed is big enough that we lay down without touching each other. I don't feel so claustrophobic this way. "Do your feet still burn?"

"No, they feel clean. Thank you, Negan."

I lay facing her and move my arm out some.

She clings to my index finger, closing her eyes.

It's been a quirk for so long that every time I start to doze off, I end up waking myself up. After two hours of fighting it, my body finally gives in.

* * *

I lazily open my eyes. "Alice," I call groggy, running my fingers over my eyes. "Alice?" I lean over her and call her name again.

It startles her.

"Shit, sorry, I didn't realize you were still asleep."

"Do I need to leave?"

"No." I didn't expect to sleep well at all, but I did. I press the back of my hand to her cheek when I notice her coloring is a bit off. Her skin is like ice. The fire has long burned out, but I prefer the cold. "Come here." I move my arm up to let her get close and wedge it under my pillow.

"Thank you." She shivers, curling her hands together.

I'm so goddamn comfortable I murmur a reply, and close my eyes.

...

It isn't until I feel the bed move that I wake up.

Alice is putting on her boots. "Are you alright?"

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"Very well."

...

"I'm taking a small group with me to Charlottesville, we'll be gone for a few days. Marshall is in charge while I'm gone. Hawkes, Banks, Vasquez, I want you three to take shifts watching the new arrivals. You'll be able to monitor everything from the cafeteria. Every person here is to carry a weapon. If you don't feel confident using it, you stay close to someone that does. Take turns monitoring the catwalks and guard tower." I feel like every passing day is a ticking time bomb until we have our run in with the Syndicate.

"No one is going to mess with us or take this place," Banks says.

"Banksy is right. We'll fuck those fuckers up," Tara laughs.

I'm not even going to ask about that nickname and dismiss the others.

"Alice, don't leave me." Kid clings to the fabric of her pants.

"You're strong. Protect this place."

"Please," Kid begs.

"That's fine. Load up," I tell them.

...

"Watch out, Dwight," Connor yells.

"For what?"

"Quit digging under the seat and pay attention to the fucking road."

Dwight starts to laugh, and cuts the wheel to the right.

"That's not fucking funny." Connor is terrified of the snow, and when we have to go scavenging in it, he throws a fit every fucking time. I think he might actually piss himself if we don't get there soon. Alice offered to trade spots with him, but he'd rather see what's going on than be oblivious to it. "Dwight!"

"Connor, get your tits out of the wringer," I scoff.

"What a baby," Kid mutters under her breath.

...

I look down at Kid. "You ain't cold?"

She has a short wool cloak draped over her and some gloves, but the shit don't look very warm. "No." She lifts up the cloak and shows me one of the animals she's skinned under it.

"How the fuck did you even learn to do that shit?"

"I just learned it," she shrugs. Kid raises her bow and shoots an arrow at an undead. "Yes." She pulls the wallet out of the pocket, getting the driver's license. "Alice," she calls excitedly, handing her the plastic.

"Outstanding!"

I still haven't told Alice about catching Kid in her bed.

Kid follows behind Alice, even stepping over the cracks like she does.

Alice is probably completely oblivious to it, like she always is when someone expresses concern for her. "Retirement home."

"We'll scavenge and stay the night here." This is one of the more dangerous places to scavenge, because if it wasn't evacuated, the chances are there's at least fifty undead inside. The risk is worth the reward with all the medication we'll find.

"This place makes up one large O. Right turns if you get lost. Here," Alice hands the layout on the wall over to Dwight. "Connor, at the end of the hall is another one."

"You sure do know you're way around here. You have a grandma here or some shit?"

"I did volunteer work here."

"Yeah, that where you learn how to patch up people?"

"No. I styled and cut hair once a week in the beauty salon."

I cock my head when an undead sits up out of the wheel chair. I've never really given any thought to the virus, but it's strange to think that before this person couldn't walk and now they're coming right for me.

Kid's arrow sticks into the eye socket of the undead.

Well, was coming right for me. This place isn't as well off as I hoped. "Put the piano and the jukebox on the truck." I'll admit, it's not practical, but we can always leave it behind if we need the room. Plus, Connor is right. Normality. "Split up. We need to hurry while we have daylight."

...

Alice runs her hand across one of the rehabilitation bars before gripping it tight. She raises her right leg all the way up, pointing her toes at the sky as she reaches her hand up to grab them.

I've never seen anything like it, the way her body makes it seem like it's an everyday thing to contort that way.

She comes collapsing down, and it's not effortless like before. Alice lets out the most defeated cry, pressing her fingers to the floor.

My stomach sinks watching her mourn over her sister. At least, I think that's what it is. The last time she did the ballet shit was with Charli. I start to turn around and leave because knowing Alice, she'll just deny anything is wrong, but I can't. So I just hold her. It reminds me of the night Leon shot my mother and I held her lifeless body against me. Alice didn't cry anymore after that. She's just heavy in my arms. "That's enough today." I pick her up and take her into one of the rooms to lay down.

* * *

Alice decided against going to her house. She said she needed more time, especially knowing she would have to pick through Charli's things. I wish she would go back, because we never know what's going to happen. We spend the next two days gathering up what we can. It's the fullest I've ever seen the truck, to the point where we can barely close the rolling door.

"That gunshots?" Connor says, stepping away from the truck.

A man comes running around the corner, pressing his back against the building to reload.

"Come on, get in the truck," I tell them.

Alice starts down the street towards the man.

"No, Alice," Kid whines, getting out of the truck.

I hook her arm, making sure Dwight has a hold on her before I take off after Alice. "Oh, fuck, no," I scream when the gunmen come around the corner.

The man that was reloading his gun flips Alice around, taking three bullets before returning fire. All head shots.

"Alice," I yell, yanking her from his arms.

He holds me by the throat, backing me into the wall.

"No, stop," Alice begs, pulling on his wrist.

He lets go of me instantaneously.

She pats the bench so he'll have a seat.

"What the fuck is going on?" I yell.

He stands back up, getting out his knife.

"You motherfucker." I raise Lucille.

"No," Alice screams, wrapping her arms around him.

I almost drop Lucille to keep from hitting the both of them.

Alice stretches her other hand out, pressing it to my chest. "Kuzma is just protecting me. He's my friend."

I narrow my eyes as they shift towards this motherfucker.

"Negan," she tells him.

Kuzma relaxes his tense shoulders. "Negan?"

"Yes."

He's as awkward at giving a smile as she is.

Alice gives him another hug.

"Friend." He returns the hug. Kuzma must be from another country. I can barely understand a damn thing he's saying with his husky accent. He's built like a fucking tank. No one has ever pinned me to a fucking wall, that's for damn sure. I roll my fucking eyes so hard. Of course I'm fucking jealous. I hate the idea of someone's hands on what's mine, but he did save her life and it might not be the first time he has. For that, I am grateful. Alice doesn't warm up to people, but she is very emotional about their reunion. Wait a second, I remember now. That day when she went into that Russian food market, and came out depressed. She's been looking for him. Oh Christ, this ain't some fucking boyfriend of hers is it?

Kuzma sticks his fingers in his mouth, whistling loud enough to startle me.

A few things scatter, before a German Shepherd in a little tactical vest comes over the top of a rubble pile. He's got what looks like a squirrel in his mouth.

"Nyet," Kuzma instructs.

The dog whines and drops the squirrel, but perks up once it sees Alice.

Amber is going to kill me when I let this mutt come home with us after she begged me for a dog. "What's its name?"

Alice points at the dog.

"Dog." Kuzma's dead fucking serious, too.

...

On the way back home I sit up front with Connor and Dwight. I have the vanity flipped down because I'm never happier than when I'm brooding jealously as I watch her in the mirror.

Alice's fucking hand is gripping his and his arm is around her. She has her notebook open and the two draw pictures back and forth to communicate.

Kid is laughing letting Dog lick her hands.

Fuck this. I flip the fucking visor up, folding my arms.

...

"Who's your fucking boyfriend?"

"Stop this."

"Alice, you don't fucking hold hands with another man, the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I don't become upset with you when you hug or kiss your former wives. Or when Sherry was in the bathroom gathering your laundry while you showered. I heard her outside my door when she said she loved you. That they all love you. I have never made you feel guilty about your wives. Do not do the same to me for something I haven't even done. I'm alive because of him. He protected me when you couldn't, when you were locked up. You should be grateful for him, not jealous."

"Of fucking course he saves you, and now I'm the asshole."

"You were one before he showed up."

"Fuck you."

"Kuzma doesn't understand English that well so your tone frightened him. That's why he accosted you."

"The fuck's he doing here if he's from Russia?"

"I'm uncertain, I'm trying to piece together his language as best I can."

"Anything else about Mr. Perfect? Like he gives organs to sick kids or some shit?"

"I dislike your jealousy. It's not attractive, nor something I find humorous."

"What do you want me to say? He's practically me, protecting you and shit. He shuts his mouth, which according to you is my biggest flaw. The fuck you need me for now?" I go into my room and slam the door. I'm so fucking bothered by this shit, it's upsetting my stomach. I can't offer that woman anything. This motherfucker takes three goddamn bullets and still keeps her safe. I couldn't even protect her from some lanky fuck. I've been replaced by a newer model. Fucker even looks at her like she's the only thing that matters.

...

The longer I wait for Alice to come back to the parlor, the angrier I become. The more my mind makes up these stupid fucking scenarios that I silence by drinking. Glass after glass until it drops on the ground, so I drink from the bottle. I dry heave, then take another sip before I stumble to the lounge and throw up on the floor. "Fuck," I yell, as my body convulses violently. I lean back against the lounge and close my eyes to try and stop the room from spinning.

...

I let out a moan, pushing my hips forward.

Her warm mouth works up and down.

"Yeah," I groan. Kuzma who? I ain't even fucking mad anymore. Damn, I love make up sex and it settles my stomach. I give her another moan, reaching for her ponytail, only it's down and… curly?! I jolt open my eyes, staring at Rachel. What the fuck!?

A tiny whimper escapes Alice's lips as she steps into the parlor.

"No!" I shove Rachel off me, fumbling to get my pants up as I chase after Alice. "I can explain!"

Alice slaps me across the face twice.

"Wait!" I grab her by the wrist.

"You're repulsive, remove your hand from me!"

"Alice, please, you have to-"

"You throw everything away because of a disagreement? How dare you do this to me. To us!"

"I will do anything to make this right!"

"I don't want anything from you. **Ever** again." She pulls the knives I made her from her vest, dropping them to the floor. "Be thankful I don't return them by pinning each one of your limbs to the wall including the one that was in her filthy mouth! You pathetic excuse for a man."

I grip the metal wall, lowering my head. God, no! I feel disgusting. Even worse, I've done this to her before. Back when I had wives and I left the door open on purpose, so of course she thinks this is the same goddamn thing. There is nothing I can do to convince this woman otherwise! My eyes burn at Rachel with hatred.

"I'm sorry," she cries. "I heard you arguing. I thought you were leaving her!"

I clench my fists as my arms begin to shake. The veins surface in my neck and forehead. "Get out," I bellow, storming towards her as my eye twitches. I pick up the lounge and slam it back against the concrete, breaking it in two uneven pieces.

She runs from the parlor sobbing.

There is no place for my anger and that's a scary fucking thing.

* * *

Grit and blood circle around the tub drain. I'm clean, but it doesn't seem like it. I don't feel human. How many times have I had to fight for her all for it to lead up to this? My fingers are so fucking raw it reminds me of the days when Lucille used to rip my flesh. One of the knuckles on my left hand is even scraped to the bone. That hand is so fucked up, so swollen, that I can't even make a fist. When I caught a glimpse of Alice this morning in the courtyard, she was sobbing in the arms of that Russian fuck. Dog paced back and forth at her feet like he was waiting to get revenge. I've never heard her in that much anguish before. I'm going to exile Rachel today in hopes that maybe, by some divine motherfucking miracle, Alice will want to talk to me. If this were the other way around, there would be no one to exile because that cocksucker would be a pile of entrails six feet under. It just goes to show how much of a better person Alice is than I am. Now I'm just fucking wasting the water. I grit my teeth when I step out of the bathtub from cutting my feet on broken glass. I shattered what was left of the mirror last night because I can't even bring myself to see my reflection in it. I dress except for my boots and socks, trying to pull what slivers out of my feet that I can. It reminds me of when I washed her feet for her. Fuck, what doesn't remind me of her. My patience runs thin for this tedious bullshit, so I just throw on my socks and boots. I stand in the doorway of the bathroom like I've seen a ghost. "Alice?"

"Sit."

I'm like a dog with my tail between my legs, and I want to grovel at her feet, but I know that would only anger her further. "Alice, I would **never** fuck up what we have."

"You may not speak until you listen to what I have to say."

I don't dare utter a sound, knowing I don't even deserve her standing before me.

"Kid came up here in the middle of the night to find you unconscious. She waited in my room for me to return, then hid under my bed when Rachel entered the parlor." Alice moves her knee up, pressing it to the lounge and easing down on my lap.

"Oh, thank fuck." I'm vindicated! I lower my head against her shoulder and become choked up at this second chance I'm given. When I bring my head up, she places her hand on my cheek.

"I apologize for not giving you the benefit of the doubt."

"How could you? What you walked into, I can't even fucking imagine. I'm going to make this fucking right, Alice. She's gone. Right fucking now!"

"I don't want Rachel exiled."

"She's not staying."

"She will, and you will do this as a favor to me."

"But.. I don't understand. Why the fuck would you want her here?"

"When she can't sleep at night, I want her to feel that void knowing your arms are around me. Every time she sees me, I want her to ache knowing I give you what she never could. I want her to know, unlike her, I satisfy you in **every** way."

Watching Alice become territorial… goddamn.

Her teeth dig into my neck, tearing the flesh.

I fight for a breath, sucking the air in through my clenched teeth. My fingers claw the velvet on the lounge.

She runs her tongue up my neck, followed by another pinch. Her teeth pull at the tough skin once more before she releases her hold on me.

I stare back in some intoxicated stupor.

She wipes my blood from her lip. "I marked what is **mine**. See that she gets the message."

* * *

 

**A/N Would anyone like to read a chapter from Alice's point of view?**


	20. Chapter 20

I sit back against the wall in the parlor, catching my breath. I'm completely naked except for one boot and my pants wound around it. How my sock and boot came off the other foot, I really don't fucking know.

Alice is laying with her head in my lap only wearing socks and her bra as my hand rests comfortably against it.

I know exactly how her clothes came off.

She reaches up and wipes away some of the blood on my shoulder.

I'm finally going to have my nail scars.

_I'm sorry I'm a jealous dickhead._

_You will make it up to me._

It's the last words I remember before ending up like this. Though, it doesn't last.

"I require sleep," Alice tells me, collecting her clothes.

I admire that amazing ass all the way to her bed until the curtain closes.

...

I spring open my eyes. I'm drenched in sweat. "Fuck," I gasp, rolling on my back. My throat burns from the bile churning in my stomach. I hate these fucking nightmares I have. It's every night now. I get out of bed and walk into the parlor. It's better to know that she's by my side. All this time I thought her being in the parlor would be enough, but it's not. I sit down on her cot, certain the metal legs are going to buckle from the weight.

"Are you alright?"

I shake my head no as if she can see it in the dark room, moving her on my lap. My hand tugs at the hem of her navy tank top.

"No! I'm not wearing-"

I know she has these fucking reserves. These goddamn rules just like I do, but I can't stop these dreams of other men touching what's mine. I inch the fabric up more as her small hands fight me.

"No," she begs.

"I dream about their hands on you. Their mouths."

"Ne-"

"No, I'm talking, goddammit! I know it happened to you, Alice, but it **happened to** **me** , **too**! I just want to fucking be close to you. Yeah, I fucking said it. I'm a little bitch. So there. You win. I apparently need you way more than you need me-"

Her lips fiercely claim mine.

This is how she shuts me up. How she decides she's tired of listening to my shit, and frankly, I'm tired of hearing myself talk. The cot finally gives and crashes to the floor. It fucking would. I can repair it or get her another one, but there'd be no point because this isn't her place. I set her down in my bed.

"You should share your inner thoughts more often."

"Really, I thought you were just trying to get me to close my goddamn mouth?"

"That's a given." Alice crawls across the bed.

I run my hand up the back of her thigh, over the curve of her ass as I try to memorize her bent over like this in these navy laced panties.

She turns the oil lamp off so it's just a soft glow from what embers are burning in the fireplace. "Al- alright, you may undress me."

I pull her across the bed by her ankle as she flips on her back. My fingers curl around her hip, inching the shirt up. It's dark in here, but when the shirt frees those titties and I can see the perky outline of them, goddamn! She flinches when my lips graze the side of her flesh, but eventually gives in, and off comes the rest of her shirt.

She whimpers nervously to be so vulnerable, only left in a pair of panties.

I ease them down her hips, right into my pocket. I bury my face between her tits, my hands under her shoulders. This is all I wanted, and her fingers in my hair is putting me to sleep. Her skin is so fucking soft and warm. I get these little moans every time my lips purse against her sensitive skin. Goddamn, I can't wait to actually see them.

* * *

A pair of her heels hang loosely on my fingers as I watch her peer over each side of my bed. She's wrapped in the sheet, clinging to it tight. "Have you seen my undergarment?"

I shake my head no, setting the heels on the bed for her. "They'll turn up." I'm such a bastard. "I have some things I need to take care of today. Will you hang out here?"

"Alright. Shall I help with inventory?"

"Why don't you just stay around the parlor, do some reading shit okay?"

"Very well. Enjoy your day."

She has no idea.

...

I hear soft humming coming from my bedroom. That's odd. Doesn't sound like Alice's voice and why would it be? The door is cracked open, so I peek through it.

Alice is sitting on my bed with Kid brushing her hair.

I notice a little pair of shoes next to Alice's by the bed.

Kid tries really hard to mimic Alice, but I really don't think she has to. The two are oddly similar.

Even though Alice is scared of children, she's attached to the girl. Makes sure that she's had something to eat, and that she's clean. She got her to stop wearing that damn carcass on her head at least.

I remember what Rick said about Carl, and how Alice was motherly to him when they found Alice. It's sad because I know she's still in so much grief over losing her sister.

"Will you braid it?"

"Yes. Sit still."

"Like yours."

I decide to go in because I don't want them to feel like they have to hide this from me.

The look on Alice's face is exactly that.

"Take your time, I got one more thing I need to do."

Alice seems relieved and goes back to braiding Kid's hair.

I set Lucille on my end table before heading to the infirmary. My hand is still giving me problems from when I threw my temper tantrum about Kuzma. "Nicole, will you take a look at my hand? I think-"

"Uh," Nicole murmurs, staring back at me.

"Oh, god," Molly panics, pulling up her pants.

"I can come back when you're done eating," I snicker.

Molly nut checks me on the way out.

"Fuck," I grunt, bending over and holding my groin. "Fucking bitch."

"Negan," Nicole scolds, hitting me across the head.

"Shit, sorry I twat blocked you!"

"Sit down before I start amputating things."

"You might not have to." I have a seat, still cupping my balls. "Goddammit."

"What are you even doing down here this late?"

I show her my other hand.

"Oh. Yeah, that's pretty bad." She starts taping my pinky and ring finger together. "I heard what happened with Rachel. That was shitty of her."

"I see you've moved on."

"Molly is just a distraction."

"From Rachel?"

"No. From Joanna."

"Go fuck around with Joanna then."

"She's with Connor."

"And? He'd be all about that shit."

"Yeah, probably," she laughs. "There, just try to keep it wrapped."

"Hey, do me a favor. I don't want Alice getting suspicious about where I've been disappearing to. I'm going to have her train with you for the next few days."

"Where have you been disappearing to?"

"No fucking way, if it slips out while you two are working together I'm going to be pissed."

...

"Where'd Kid go?"

Alice claims a small piece of my bed after she turns off the oil lamp. "It's surpassed her bedtime."

I've been avoiding this question, but now is a good time to ask. "You want to have kids with me some day?"

"No."

"You don't think we should have this conversation considering we're not even using protection?"

"No."

Well, I can't say I'm fucking heartbroken. In fact, it's a relief. I've never wanted children. Not that I really expected Alice to want to have kids, but it's always nice to have that certainty that we both want the same things.

"May I put another piece of wood in the fire?"

Sometimes the way she completely shifts the conversation still catches me off guard. I get up from my chair and chunk a log in.

"Thank you."

"Yep." I take a sip from my glass and get comfortable again. After everything we've fucking been through, I appreciate the moments when I can sit here and watch her sleep, especially knowing she's warm and above all safe. Knowing things between us could be entirely different if it hadn't have been for Kid.

"Are you coming to bed?"

"In a little bit. Go back to sleep."

"Very well."

I let out a breathed laugh. My little stoic fuck.

* * *

Alice is beyond frustrated with Eugene today. Goddamn, the two fight more than we do. She sets one of her books on top of Eugene's.

"This is outdated information." He pulls his book from under hers.

"Everything is outdated. This is relevant to the research. Yours isn't." She puts it back on top of his.

"No. This isn't a good book to use." He shoves hers to the side.

"That's your opinion."

"It's purely factual."

"Incorrect."

Eugene's patience have also thinned. "We are using mine."

"We are wasting time!"

"Then give up this pointless charade!"

"I'm not going to sit here and have you disrespect me."

"Call it whatever you want. My book is better."

"Well.. well my book is sufficiently larger than yours," Alice yells, ripping it from the desk and starting back for my motorcycle.

Yeah, get nasty, girl! "Oh, and by book, she means her dick." I give them all a weaselish laugh.

"Negan," Alice shouts angrily.

"Coming, dear," I grin, strolling to her.

"I am completely beside myself that I would stoop to that level. You're obviously having a negative impact on me."

"Whoa, hey now, I'm not the one that's whipping my big book around for everyone to see."

"That's a first."

"I'll let you put your book against mine any time."

Alice slams the book shut, stuffing it in her backpack.

I grab my dick with a whimper.

"Waste of time and fuel."

"I know you don't want to fucking hear this shit, but Eugene's not used to anyone challenging his intellect. You threaten that. I listened to that entire conversation. You were in the right. He didn't want to hear your side, but, Alice that's a two way fucking street. You're awfully combative towards him."

"He's disrespectful and insults me."

"I think after today things are going to be a little different. Especially with you pulling out your big book."

Alice starts to laugh.

"Biggest dick always wins. Why do you think I'm in charge?"

"I find this conversation to be in poor taste, but I will say that you're right."

"Will you say that again, please?"

"That you're right?"

"Goddamn, I'm thinking about that tonight when I'm inside you."

* * *

"You gotta fuck one, kill one, marry one. Go," Connor says, beheading another undead.

"What?" Marshall asks confused.

"Out of the three choices I gave you, you gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one."

Marshall mumbles something and goes up the steps to clear another floor of the building.

"Well, what about you, Dwight?"

Dwight misses the undead with his bolt. "No one wants to play your fucking game, Connor. Shut the fuck up!"

"Man, fuck you guys."

"Just stack the undead outside, Negan?" Hawkes asks.

"Yeah, start a pile somewhere around the side of the building. Just get them out of here."

"Did Nicole leave Rachel or something?"

"Yeah, few weeks ago. Why?"

"I came home last night and she was just going to town on Joanna. Goddamn, it was hot," Connor smirks.

Hawkes' eyebrow peaks. "You're okay with your girlfriend in bed with another woman?"

"Fuck yeah, who wouldn't be? They even let me join."

"That was never really a topic of discussion in my marriage."

"That's the problem. You were married."

"Shut the fuck up," I tell them, putting out my hand.

"Is.. that.. a dirt bike?"

"Marshall," I call. "Everyone get to a vantage point." No motherfucking way, not this close to home.

"Two males," Marshall says as he looks through his scope. "They're not Syndicate."

"What are they doing?"

"One's got bolt cutters. They're trying to open the back of that supply truck."

What this comes down to is we need people. Especially because we don't know how many people are in the Syndicate. It's fucking dangerous to try and recruit people or whatever it is you want to call what we are about to do, but it needs to be done.

"If they have a camp, they're not doing too well. Ripped and dirty clothing. Both have long facial hair."

That's a good sign. We want desperate. "Marshall, stay back here and keep your sights on us at all times. Connor, watch that undead don't ambush him since this place isn't clear. Hawkes, Dwight, come with me. We'll take them back to their camp in our truck. Marshall, Connor, follow behind us on their dirt bikes, then get to a vantage point."

I have Hawkes make the point of contact first. Most people tend not to be as hostile when they see his uniform though it doesn't mean they're not spooked.

"Back the fuck up! These supplies are ours!"

Hawkes sets his rifle on the pavement slowly. "If we wanted you dead, you would be."

"We?"

I set Lucille submissively against my shoulder as Dwight and I join Hawkes.

"Jesus," the other man mumbles, intimidated by my size.

"These supplies are ours!"

"We're not trying to take your supplies," I tell them.

"I don't understand."

"How many people do you have in your camp?"

The two men look at each other before they turn their guns on us again. "Fuck you, I haven't protected my wife this long to have her raped by a bunch of-"

"Wait a fucking second," I growl. I raise my hand up as Marshall fires a round into the side of the truck. "Like we said, if we wanted you dead, you would be. You're leery, you have to be, but don't go getting yourself killed because of it, and don't ever accuse me of being some fucking abhorrent piece of shit."

The weapons are lowered immediately. "We have eight, including us."

"Look at their clothes, they're clean," the other man whispers.

"I know," he responds.

"It's getting colder, we want to go home. Either take us back to your camp, or we'll be on our way."

...

I know we were cautious about this situation because we had no way of knowing, but their situation is pathetic. The house is barely standing, and I think it's colder once we get inside than it is out here. All of them were huddled around the fireplace with one piece of wood that's practically ash.

"How is she?" He puts his hand on his wife's swollen stomach.

"She has a fever," one of the women responds before she becomes startled when she sees us.

"Wait outside," I tell my men. "We have a place not too far from here. We trade with other communities."

"Other communities?"

I explain to them a little more about us, our point system, and the Syndicate. It's a unanimous vote between them. These people have been on their own for so long, I know they'll be good assets once they see our living conditions. I let the wives sit up front with two of the children, giving Dwight permission to use the heaters.

"How far is your place?"

"Maybe fifteen miles."

"Thank you," one of the women sobs.

"Right place at the right time," I smirk, shutting the door.

Connor ain't happy I'm making us sit in the back with the supplies, but he'll fucking get over it.

* * *

I push my hood up, turning off the torch when I see Carl. "The fuck are you doing here?"

"I'm here to sing you a song, what do you think?"

"That present for Alice?"

"Yeah. I know I'm a few days early, but the weather is about to get bad."

"How do you know that?"

"We have this guy and his knee hurts every time it does."

"She's in my room reading." I jerk my head, flipping the hood back down so I can finish fixing one of the steel supports on the guard tower.

"I've never been inside before," Rick comments.

I rest my arm on my knee, flipping it back up again. "Is that a fucking hint?"

"No, I'm fine out here."

"Well, I'm kinda fucking busy. Wait somewhere else or shut the fuck up so I can concentrate."

"Sir," Carson interrupts. "It's Amber, she's in the infirmary. There was an accident and she-" I drop the torch, running as fast as I can.

"Good. Sit. I need blood," Harlan orders.

"The fuck happened?" I frown looking at how pale her skin has gone, and have a seat next to her. "Amber," I call, touching her face.

Mark sobs next to me, clinging to her hand.

She's got a gash on her side from her pants line, up at least twelve inches. "I fell..." she struggles to say.

"The catwalk on level three, Sir," Carson informs me.

"Go get Marshall, Finn, and James."

"Amber, wake up," Harlan says.

"... tired."

Harlan takes my arm and starts the transfusion.

"Give her something for the pain," I order.

"We don't have anything other than the generic ibuprofen."

"How could this fucking happen? We just went on a run!"

"This happens when you allow people to use points on what should be saved for medical use." Harlan isn't happy which is a rarity.

I know it's harder for Harlan because of his brother's addiction, and he's right. I've condoned it for all these years. It's gotta stop. I should have seen it when Carson and Sherry used to race for the last of the pills. The truth is, I don't know if Carson can function without them. "Someone find me Dwight!"

"I'm here."

"Dwight, Rick is outside. See if you can negotiate some type of trade for pain medication."

Harlan stabilizes Amber, but her cries don't make it seem that way.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

"We came as soon as we heard," Sherry says, Joanna behind her.

I'm completely at fault here. I've neglected the maintenance of the catwalks. Now Amber is hurt because of it.

Sherry gets a rag and cleans the blood from Amber's face.

"Yes, Sir?"

"Marshall, everyone stays in the cafeteria for now. Finn, you need to find the weak spots and Marshall, repair what you can. James, water detail for a few days while Mark stays with Amber."

"Thank you," Mark cries.

Joanna rubs his back.

"Rick says they can't spare the medication."

"Here," Carson says, giving Harlan his pill bottle.

"You can't come right off it, it will kill you." Harlan takes a few pills and hands the rest back to Carson.

Carson seems embarrassed and quickly leaves the infirmary.

...

"She'll be okay, just needs to rest," Harlan informs us, taking the IV from my arm.

"Sherry, Joanna, take Amber's spot helping Hannah with the children."

"Found the problem, as well as two others. Marshall is fixing those right now."

"I'll be there to help in a minute." Fuck, it's always something around here.

* * *

I noticed Seth outside the gates earlier today when I started working on the guard tower again. It's been a few hours and he's still at it. "What are you doing out here?"

"What does it look like?"

"Hey, asshole, watch how you fucking talk to me."

He pulls his knife from the undead. "Tara left me."

"Oh, fuck."

"Fuck her, I got what I wanted from her anyways."

"Yeah, sure. That's why you're out here severing undead."

"She left me for Banks."

That explains the nickname.

"I didn't even care until I knew that. I mean, how fucking stupid is that? It's like you always said, that vagina becomes your vagina."

"I do have a way with words." I swing Lucille across an undead.

"Drew and I fucked around a bit a few days ago. I know she's got some miles on her, but it wasn't bad."

"Nothing surprises me. Everyone in this factory is like a goddamn nymphomaniac. I walked in the infirmary the other day and Nicole was examining Molly, with her mouth."

"Fuck me, to be in the middle of that. Bet you regret giving up all that pussy now."

"Not for a second, though I would give my left nut to watch Alice and Lucille go at it." Why does everyone always look at me like I've lost my goddamn mind? "Well, I'd take the barbed wire off first."

"Lucille whatever, man, but I still can't get over Alice. She'd come up to talk to Tara sometimes, or rather Tara would talk, and she'd just fucking sit there with that dopey ass look on her face."

"You know, you've got a lot of animosity towards Alice. I'm beginning to think you wanna fuck her."

"I'd rather fuck undead, I mean at least they'd make some kind of noise back."

"Yeah, you smell like you've been out here fucking undead."

"Man, fuck, I thought that was you-"

"Holy fuck me," I murmur, dropping Lucille as she sinks into the snow.

"Fuck! Come on," Seth yells.

All I can think about is the time that herd stormed our gates, only this one is twice its size.

"Negan!"

I snap out of it and start to run. "Fuck!" Lucille. Where is she?! "Lucille!" I can't see anything but white. I drop to my knees, feeling in the snow for her. As an undead grabs me, I pull out my knife to kill it. "Lucille," I scream, using my knife to defend myself. The herd is getting too thick, and I can't find her. My knife gets stuck in one of their skulls. I yank on it to pull it out, but it doesn't budge. Oh, fuck, no! They're all around me! My knife breaks free so I try and shove them aside to make a path. "Oh, fuck." I trip over one, landing on another. "Fuck!"

The undead start to drop around me.

Marshall and Hawkes are at the gates clearing a path for me. "Hurry," Marshall yells.

I snatch my knife and make a run for the gates as they clear. "Seth, get the others!"

"Are you bit?" Alice asks.

"No, but.. Lucille."

Marshall and Hawkes get the gates closed, but we are not safe. With no one out here to constantly monitor the fence like we had once before, I don't know how much the steel can hold. We held them off last time, but this herd is two times its size. "Start picking off what you can through the fence." I don't want to waste the ammo, not with the fence still up.

Kid is frustrated because she only has a limited amount of arrows and she's not tall enough to use a knife on them.

She'll get her chance to kill, because I have some of my men open the main gate, letting a few pour inside to take the pressure off the fence.

...

The sun is starting to set, and we've still got a third of the herd left. "Where's Alice?" I ask.

Marshall looks away from me. In fact, none of them will look at me.

"The fuck's going on?"

"Alice," Kid's voice quivers.

I hurry up the steps of the guard tower to see Kuzma, Alice, and Dog outside the gates. The way the three of them work together is incredible. If they're surrounded, Dog barks distracting the attention of the undead so Kuzma can have the upper hand. If Alice chucks a knife, Dog knows to retrieve it and bring it back to her.

I look down when I feel a tug on my pants.

It's Kid. Worried. Upset.

I press my hand to her back. "Come on," I tell her, hurrying down from the guard tower. "End this," I order them. I can't believe how many fucking people we have out here, but it still feels like we're not going to make it.

"Negan," Alice calls, tossing Lucille my way.

I'm relieved, but I'm fucking pissed and use my anger to kill the undead.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Connor yells, grabbing his leg.

Dwight shot him in the calf.

"Again?" I yell.

"They're fucking everywhere, I didn't do it on purpose!"

Kuzma picks Connor up with one arm, still killing undead as the two of them go back towards the fence.

I see Joanna come out of the gates and don't think anything of it until she takes Connor's machete. "No, get back in-fucking-side. Now," I order her.

"No way. Time to make myself useful." She's extremely useful and my former wife didn't need any help, though she's not too happy when she breaks a nail. "Shit!" It only makes her kill them faster.

Two of Lee's men die before it's over. It's one of the most cowardice things I've ever seen as one pushes another in front of him to save his own life only to be killed, too. Good riddance, and the traitor will not go in our graveyard. "That all of them?" I skim the field checking for everyone.

"Damn, not bad, stripper Barbie," Tara smirks at Joanna.

I'm very proud of her, but right now I have one thing on my mind. "Walk," I growl, pushing Alice forward by the back of the vest.

"You're-"

"Shut up!" We go in the side door to the kitchen. "Out," I tell Molly and Cindy.

"I-"

"You shut the fuck up and listen to me, Alice. Risking your life was not only stupid, but fucking selfish! I buried Lucille, how dare you try and put me through that again."

"You know you believe it's only a matter of time before you put me next to Charli."

"And you're doing everything in your power to speed it up!" I take a deep breath, and relax my shoulders. "Bryan say something to you?"

"About?"

"When you went missing, I made the comment that it was only a matter of time before I put you next to Charli because I didn't believe this world was made for people like the two of you."

"He never said anythi-" Her face goes completely blank. She's a stone wall. "Very well."

"Where are you going?"

"To the parlor."

"The fuck for? I'm talking to you!"

"This is what you want, right? Confined to the parlor, locked away in your industrial tower."

"Of course that's what I fucking want," I scream at her. I grab her wrist, yanking her back against me. "But you're not, because it's not my choice. Even it if means I might lose you faster."

"What else can I offer besides direction for supply runs?"

I kneel down on one knee so we're eye level. "Forcing you to feel like you have to be out there is my fault, because I put that pressure on you, and I'm sorry. You're meant for more than scraping the blood from under your nails at night, Alice. Christ, the possibilities are endless of what you have to offer."

"If you take this from me, then you might as well bury me now. I don't want to wait around to perish."

It's more motivation than ever to get those fucking solar panels. To have Sanctuary self-sufficient so no one has to leave these gates. "Can't we make some kind of deal about you being out there?"

"Five scavenging, two in Sanctuary."

"Three days out scavenging, four in Sanctuary with Carson doing inventory."

"Four scavenging, three in Sanctuary with Carson doing inventory."

No, I ain't fucking happy. Yeah, I'll fucking take it. I move her in my arms. "Thank you for saving Lucille again."

"She's saved my life more times than I can count."

"Yeah," I laugh, "mine, too."

* * *

"Alright, I have the count," Carson says.

I point at one of the lounges.

"The people you brought in, a lady gave birth to a little girl. That puts us at fifty-five people."

"Yeah, well, I can't be sending babies to fight the Syndicate, now can I?"

"Twenty-three people are regularly out there scavenging or clearing, but we can send thirty-three to fight against the syndicate. This doesn't include anyone under thirteen, or above fifty-five."

"The snow is starting to come in heavy. No one's going to sit on their ass. I want Hawkes to train people with guns. Marshall can train on melee and hand to hand, then Dwight can train with ranged. This includes everyone above eight. Regardless if they can fight against the Syndicate or not, people need to be able to protect themselves."

"Alright, I'll post a schedule for classes over the next few days."

"I'm sorry about the other day, Carson."

"It's not your fault. I know that there are people here that really need the medicine, and I used to have the pain management under control. I guess when everything went to shit, I didn't really expect I'd survive this long."

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Yeah, but even on the pills I was in pain. I was just messed up enough not to care."

"The way shit went down, that was pretty fucked up, and I feel like you were called out in front of everyone when it's really no one's business but yours."

"I think it's called an intervention," he laughs.

"Well, I appreciate what you did for Amber." I reach in my pocket and toss him my keys. "Go pick out some things."

"Thank you, Sir."

"I'll put in a good word about you the next time I see Hawkes."

He perks up. "Really?"

"Yeah," I smirk, "you're going to need all the help you can get, you goofy fuck."

"Well, if you can get Alice, then there's hope for me right?"

"I haven't talked to Hawkes yet."

* * *

"Sir, I have this week's inventory," Alice informs me, handing over several pieces of paper.

The snow let up, so I've cancelled the training classes for now. "Marshall, lead a team tomorrow. I need to do some things around here," I tell him, taking the list from Alice.

"Alright," he nods, leaving the room.

I eye Alice lengthwise. "Do you know how hard it makes my dick when you call me Sir in front of the others?"

"Everything gives you an erection."

I yank her forward by her wrist, pressing her hand to my jeans.

"Oh, wow," she flushes, "you are aroused."

"I wanna fuck you right now, right here. On the table."

She slaps my hand away. "Try harder. Just because you have an erection doesn't mean you can enter me at your own choosing."

"Any harder and I'm going to rip right through this denim."

"Do you know how unlikely that scenario is?"

I let out a sigh. "If you're trying to turn me on, it's not working."

"You act as if that's a difficult task. Why aren't you scavenging tomorrow? I, uh, don't like to go without you."

"I can't tell you."

"Oh," she frowns.

"Wouldn't want to ruin your surprise," I smirk.

Her eyes light up.

"You don't think I'd forget your birthday, do you?"

"I didn't realize I told you."

"Indirectly. You said yours eighteen days after your sister."

"That conversation was ages ago."

"Well it's not like you have a bunch to say."

Alice throws her arms around my waist, practically knocking the wind out of me. "Anywhere you want me."

* * *

I park my motorcycle two blocks away. "Stop it," I laugh.

"What?" she blushes.

"You're trying to figure out where we are and spoil the surprise."

"Oh, alright," she murmurs.

I slip off my jacket and drape it over her.

"I already have a jacket. You don't."

"I'm used to the cold. A lot of times I was left alone with my father. He'd go get shit faced and pass out so there was no heat."

"Why was he such a cruel man?"

"Beats the shit out of me," I laugh.

"That's a horrible pun considering his abuse."

"I know, that's why I said- never mind."

"How did he die?"

"I killed him. We're here," I point.

She takes in a quick breath. "The Smithsonian," she murmurs. She reaches into her vest to retrieve a knife.

I lower her hand. "I've spent the last few weeks with Dwight, Connor, Hawkes, and Marshall clearing the museum. We're safe."

Her eyes well up. "Negan, this is the most meaningful thing anyone has ever done for me. I'm at a loss for words."

I hold the door open for her and hand her a flashlight. "You're always at a loss for words."

Alice stops at the information booth once we're inside.

"Come on."

"Did you pay?"

"What?"

She's dead serious.

I get it, because even I know the museum is free. It's that nostalgic feeling we sometimes want that shit ain't so fucked. I pull my wallet out and set a five on the counter, then reach over it and grab a frail piece of paper. "Here's your ticket," I pretend.

She smiles and takes it from me, putting it in her metal tin. "Thank you, Negan." Her memento of this moment.

"You're not going to make me hold your hand and shit, are you?"

"Oh, I didn't think of that." She puts out her hand.

I grunt and curl my gloved fingers around hers. "Did I do good?"

"No," she laughs.

"Why the fuck not?" I frown.

"You did well."

"Oh, fuck you."

She continues to laugh.

"Happy Birthday, Numbers."

"Thank you," she smiles. Alice keeps that smile from ear to ear as we visit each exhibit.

It's just like I thought, boring as fuck. I don't really know what half this shit is. Though I have to say, I'm pretty lucky I picked the one I did because I find out there's like ten of these fucking museums. Alice actually fucking giggles, and I can't help but fucking laugh. It really makes the last two weeks clearing completely worth it.

...

"It's really him," Alice whispers, pressing her fingers to the display. "He is my entire reasoning for wanting to come."

"Oh, the ventriloquist?"

"No, Edgar Bergen is the ventriloquist. Charlie McCarthy is the dummy. I loved their act."

"Yeah, I remember it now. That damn puppet was a smart ass. That's why you like him."

"Yes. His wit was impressive. Look at his little monocle," she giggles again.

It makes me laugh to see her act so human like.

"Charli was named after Charlie McCarthy. They thought she was going to be a boy at the time," she snickers. "My father refused the name Charlie for a girl, thus Charline was given."

"You tease her for being named after a dummy?"

"Always."

"Stand back some, I'll break the glass and get him-"

"No," she panics, moving her arms around the glass, "leave him in here."

"Yeah, but what stops someone else from taking him?"

"Nothing, I suppose," she sighs, lowering her arms.

I guess if we plundering everything, it really does seem hopeless.

"Well, I kind of want him now."

"Damn, should I leave you two alone?"

"Whatever you're implying is ridiculous."

"Stand back, I'll get him out."

"No. He stays in the case. Even if this is the first and last time, it's alright." Her fingers curl around mine.

"Wanna go home and have some birthday sex?"

"Yes," she laughs, "I do."

I saw a CVS a block from here so we decide to scavenge it before we head back. "You remember that pain medication for Sherry?"

"Yes."

"Alright, you cover the pharmacy part, and I'll see what I can find."

...

"I didn't see her medication. However, I found Ampicillin. A rather large bottle."

"I found a jar of peanut butter, a mattress cover, and some duct tape." Yeah, so mostly shit. However, the antibiotics make it worth it. I put the things in her bag and we start back for my bike. "The fuck?"

"Negan," Alice yells, bolting back inside.

"Holy fuck!" I grab her by the bag. "I won't die trapped like a rat, run for my bike."

"No, you run! I'll-"

"Alice, I will not lose you again! Now you stay by my fucking side or I will knock you the fuck out and carry you. Do you understand me?"

"N-"

"Do you?" I scream.

"Yes."

"Stay right be-fucking-side me." I try to clear as much of the herd as I can for her, but it must go on for a fucking mile. Déjà-fucking-vu. Just getting to my bike is a fucking challenge and as I take off on it, the undead drag her from it. I pull her up by the vest, barely getting her on the bike. We turn down the next street, but it's blocked off by more undead. Twenty miles north I figured we'd be safe, but there's a herd coming east. The only choice is to continue northeast or eventually be blocked off by the ocean. I'm not even sure where the fuck we are anymore, but I know we passed Baltimore several miles back.

"Negan, get off 95."

As we exit towards Newark, it only gets worse. "You fucking hear that?" I kill my motorcycle to hear the rumbles and explosions of the Syndicate.

"Follow the train tracks away from the city."

This is only getting us farther from home. I have no goddamn clue where we are. Not that direction was ever my strong point. If it isn't the goddamn Syndicate, it's a herd, an inaccessible road, or marauders. It's getting colder by the minute, and the snow is like knives against our skin.

* * *

We're both exhausted going on day two. I pull over at an auto repair shop. It's only a small office and a back room, though the back room has a couch. There's a vending and soda machine in the front.

She pulls out a few bags of chips, two bags of chocolate candies, and cookies that I'm sure aren't even edible. We could probably use them as a weapon. The soda machine has a few diet cans left which she passes up entirely. She has a seat in the corner of the back room and starts on her bags of chocolate candies.

"That's all you're going to fucking eat?"

"The chips can be used as fire tender."

"No. Eat the chips. There's no sense in having tender if you're passed the fuck out."

"It's snowing outside, so everything is wet. I'm saving the chips for tender to boil water to drink. I've gone two weeks without food. We both know you can't survive more than a few days without water."

I set the peanut butter in front of her.

"Listen to me. I know your first instinct is to make sure I'm taken care of, but you can't think like that anymore. You have to look out for yourself. It's imperative that you stay strong, which means you need to consume calories, especially since you're picky about what you eat. You're the one that will do the manual labor. That will protect and keep us safe." She gives me back the peanut butter. "Eat."

"It doesn't feel right knowing you're hungry."

"It doesn't matter."

Hearing her switch over into this survival mode scares the fuck out of me, because it makes me realize how truly fucked we might be. I know we're at least a hundred miles from home, and I don't have that much gasoline left.

...

"Alright, here's what I have." Alice pulls out a few satchels within her backpack.

To think I almost told her to leave that fucking thing behind because we wouldn't need it at the museum. I had no idea she carried shit like this all the time. I knew she spent her points on it, but I guess I never put two and two together. The first satchel is what I call her incessant need to be clean satchel. It holds 3 bottles of mini hand sanitizer, a bar of soap, a large tube of toothpaste, wet wipes, floss, and deodorant. The second satchel is more beneficial to survival. A few lighters that are sealed in two zip lock bags. A small stainless cup to boil water in that holds 18 ounces. Super glue, Vaseline, compression bandages, an Epipen, a tube of antibiotic cream, and a bottle of ibuprofen. The last satchel is little odds and ends. Tweezers, a pencil sharpener, pens, salt, and zip ties.

"Check in the desk and see if there's anything we can use. I'll scavenge the front office."

I find a bottle of cheap ass vodka, and a revolver. There's only three rounds left in the chamber. There's also a package of those shitty noodles that taste like wax. I want to do some maintenance on my bike while I have the tools.

She watches diligently out the small garage window, gripping her knife tight.

I toss my shirt at her in an attempt to be funny.

"Negan, stop. You're going to get hypothermia."

"What about your birthday sex?"

"My birthday was yesterday."

"Yeah. Guess I just lost track of the time," I frown, picking my shirt up off the floor.

* * *

Everything happened so fucking fast. Herd after herd pushed Alice and me farther north into Pennsylvania. A place called Wilkes-Barre or some shit. It's a fucking graveyard. We are so fucking lost, and even worse, my motorcycle is completely fucked beyond the point of repairs I can do with what we have. It's thirty goddamn degrees outside. No shelter, no food, no water.

Alice stands in the middle of the street paralyzed.

I know she feels at fault but it's unrealistic for her to think she knows every place like she does Virginia. What fucking choice did we have but to go north? Seeing her lose hope bothers me because I know she just found her way back, and now she's lost again. I set my hand on her shoulder. "It's ok-"

"Wilkes- Barre," she yells, shoving me away from her. "I sent us two hundred miles in the wrong stupid direction!"

"And you kept us alive doing it. Away from undead, and from being a Syndicate Guinea swine. Get it the fuck together, Alice, because I ain't dying without seeing those titties first."


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N This chapter will be from Alice's point of view. It's a little longer than I had anticipated.**

* * *

_Why do you cry?_

_You mean people?_

_Yes._

_I don't know. We just cry. You know, when it hurts._

_Pain causes it?_

_No, it's different. It's when there's nothing wrong with you, but you hurt anyways. You get it?_

_No._

* * *

The winds have shifted north, bringing in the bitter cold and putrescent smell of the dead as it assaults my nose. It's alarmingly similar to the canned meat Cindy prepares he's not fond of. I tug skyward on the bandana I've scavenged. The previous occupant won't be needing it any longer. Negan despises a weak stomach, and I won't attribute to his irritation. I squeeze the last of my sanitizer, knowing my efforts are entirely pointless to stay clean. My attire is regularly soiled with mud and flesh, yet I punish my hands for it. I count my steps, pretending it's not a usual compulsion of mine, but a way to keep track of our progress. One thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight. One thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine. Two thousand. Another mile behind us. Mud. Sanitize. Count. Flesh. Sanitize. Count. Count. Count. Sanitize.

"Supermarket."

I know the outcome before we trespass, yet I'm foolishly optimistic. "Ferrero Rocher!" I raise the scarcity in triumph.

"The fuck?" He snatches my wrist and leans forward to get a better look. His disgust is made apparent when my wrist is slung away from him. "Chocolate," he grumbles, disappearing down aisle four.

A whine escapes my lips. "Four," I mouth. My heated sweaty hands start to work overtime on the chocolate as it melts against the wrapper.

"Goddammit," he barks.

It startles me. I release the candy, hurrying to him.

He brings his foot forward, launching the can of tomato sauce down the aisle. This place is picked clean, at least, the aisle he's willing to eat from.

I've learned something about supermarkets the numerous times I've been on my own. A quick jerk to the bottom shelf and I discard it to the side, revealing three bags of red kidney beans. They fall from the back of the shelf and pool underneath going unnoticed.

His worry dissolves instantly and I'm taken captive in his arms. "Good fucking work, Numbers."

I close my eyes, enjoying the rare embrace as my fingers clasp the leather lapels of his jacket. I'm safe until he releases me, which comes sooner than I'd like. "Retrieve the tomato sauce and I will prepare chili." His favorite, though he'll have to forgo the deer meat.

...

His primitive eating habits remind me of Charli. Always as if someone had plans on stealing their food at any moment. At least his mouth is closed when he chews. Maybe his urgency to consume stems from the abuse his father bestowed on him. "Goddamn, I should put you in the kitchen." His eyes jolt up. "Don't take that shit the wrong fucking way. I just mean it's real motherfucking good. Flavorful."

"I didn't perceive it that way." I dislike meals in the form of a casserole or stew. It's displeasing to me to have my food touch. A sensory overload. I miss lunchables. Circle meat, circle cracker, separated in a tray. It's rather hypocritical because I enjoyed pizza. Consuming it at a rate to where I probably did irreversible damage to my arteries.

"What's that shit you put in it?"

"Apple cider vinegar."

"Fucking delicious."

"You're just famished." His compliment was sufficient and now I'm becoming awkward from his ongoing praises. Along with sustenance, it serves the dual purpose of keeping us warm, though he never seems to be cold. I find myself inching towards his burly frame, craving the heat he emits. It's in vain when he leaves to go towards the window.

"It's starting to snow. Pack what you can so we can try to find a place to hold up."

"Very well."

He's been understandably different as the stress from keeping us safe is starting to take a toll.

I miss his laugh always accompanied by two rows of teeth, polished and carved to perfection. A distraction from the chaos ensuing around us.

"Alice, come on."

Maybe that distraction will come tomorrow.

...

"Camper." Once again, relief fills his face. He immediately enters the camper to assure my safety.

I survey the outside and one particular thing of note piques my interest. The chimney pipe poking from the roof. Outstanding. A wood stove. Our luck improves again when I find a cache of firewood protected from the elements.

"Hey, there's a fucking wood stove in here," he exclaims.

I return to the cache and dump the wood back in it, ridding myself of any fragments. We've had so few victories and this one belongs to him. With my bag in hand, I step into the camper. There it is. My distraction.

The corner of his eyes wrinkle as his lip curls upward. "Make us some more of that chili?"

"Yes. Will you acquire wood?"

"Yeah, on it."

...

"You knew about the wood stove, didn't you?"

How did he.. ? "No," I reply simply. Oh, no! The snow untouched on top I disturbed.

"Well, maybe next time cover your tracks better." He releases the wood at my feet before having a seat on the couch.

"Are you upset-"

"I'm hungry, hurry up."

We're back to silence, even after supper. I regret the times I wished he couldn't speak. I'd be fine with vulgarity as long as it came from his mouth. My eyes observe the bed. I'm repulsed at the thought of laying on that sheet, so I turn it over and refit it back in the corners. I do the same with the pillow case, but it's removed from my hands before I finish my task.

Negan turns my hips so I face him. His worn dark eyes probe me as if I'm undressed.

We haven't had intercourse since we've been out here. Eight days. I'm partially to blame for denying him it at the automotive repair shop. I miss it desperately because he never hurts me. He doesn't even allow his teeth to touch my skin. I know it's because of the marks. My shameful stigma.

"Give me your foot."

I comply, standing on one leg. Lucky for him I have exceptional balance. Aside from that time in the parlor. In my defense, those heels were two sizes too big. I rid that memory quickly because I don't like thinking about that day.

He unlaces it, slipping it off and discarding it to the side. "The other one."

My heart beats faster, my stomach knots.

He slowly unbuckles his belt, though I'm not sure the reasoning behind that. Then his zipper slides down just as sluggish. "Take it off, or I will." He's referring to my vest.

It's discarded to the side at a much faster rate than his clothing.

"Pants."

"I will not grant your monosyllabic order a response."

He emits a long winded sigh. "Will you take your fucking pants off?"

"You may undress me."

Negan leans forward, unbuckling my belt, then works the fabric down so I'm able to step from them.

I'm not as willing to give him the undergarment protecting my vulnerability. I've seen his hands strangle grown men with ease. Why would I think he'd have difficulty prying the material from me? They're tossed to the side, taking my dignity with it. He winds my tie around his fist until I have no choice but to sink on his lap. My body casts a shadow over his face. I dislike not being able to see it. It causes me to be more apprehensive about letting him take my shirt, but he's eager to remove it. As he reaches around my back, I take in a deep breath. It's all I have left!

"I want you to do this for me. I **need** you to do this for me."

I know he does, and I agree.

With a flick of his wrist, the fabric falls to my sides, and I start to panic.

"Hold still."

His face is gone. It's theirs.

_Hold still, you cunt!_

"Negan," I whimper.

He leans forward so the fire catches his face just right and claims my lips.

It settles my thoughts. Don't let them take this moment like so many others.

He's not looking to make love by any means, but tonight it's just different. Maybe this is the reason he's always trying to get my clothes off. Why he needs this. Hardly, I scoff. He's never been secretive towards his motives for getting me undressed. If it were up to him, I'd never dress. Never leave the parlor.

His hands explore every inch of my skin, even the skin I forbid. He lifts me up and my knee situates on his shoulder.

I grant him a moan when his tongue presses against me, and a finger touches a place not even my own have been. While it feels like every nerve ending is being pulled to the surface in pleasure, I dislike it. It's unnatural to me for his mouth to be there, though, I can't blame him. I never feel more powerful than the chances I'm given to pleasure him. Knowing I'm in complete control of the Savior leader. It arouses me just thinking about it.

"Fuck, you're wet. I knew you'd like this."

I'll just let you think that.

He forcefully pulls me down to claim me with one possessive thrust.

I do enjoy when his mouth gravitates towards my chest.

His tongue swirls around my nipple before his lips tug on the sensitive skin, then gives the other one the same attention. "Your titties are so fucking incredible." They're not even half a handful for him, but he doesn't mind. "Let me fuck them."

Wh- how? I don't understand. I'm set down on my knees against the floor.

He scoots to the edge of the couch as his hands cup my breasts and he encases them tightly against him. "Fuck," he hisses, bucking his hips.

I'm glad he can't see my flushed face in the dark. I expected him to find his release this way, but doesn't.

"Those are nice, but they're no substitute for your tight pus-"

I assault him as hard as I can with my hand across his face. " **Watch** how you speak to me." My fingers dig into his shoulder. "Answer me!"

"I'm sorry!"

" **Disgusting**."

"Let me make it up to you."

Making it up would only condone his filthy mouth because it's beneficial to him as well. If I had willpower, I'd put back on my pants. It angers me even further when I don't. I yank him forward by his hair.

"Ow, goddammit!" He's silenced by my aroused peak, pressed firm against his lips. His maniacal laugh fuels my desire to put on my pants.

The arrogant lout! My heavy eyes close. I do enjoy this position. He's deep inside me. His firm hands on my rear orchestrating it all. Best of all, not a perverted word. Just moans and grunts against my skin. I push back against him, meeting his aggressive thrusts.

He moves his head back against the wall, letting out his trapped breath.

I don't make it any easier on him to take in the next one as my nails dig into his throat. This skin is easily punctured, and when he whimpers from it, I find my release.

He's never more arrogant than when I do, and he should be.

I've never allowed anyone else the chance to help me find it.

"Shit, fuck, I'm gonna fucking explode!"

Oh, lovely. Here comes an avalanche of profanity. Didn't I say earlier I missed it? I'm as delusional as he is. I get on my knees, taking his length between my lips.

"Fuck!"

My rhythm always gets off track when I feel him release in my mouth. I'm more embarrassed at the noises he's making.

He loosens his grip on my hair, catching his breath. "Guess you'll be on your way now, but I don't really know where you're going to run off to."

"The restroom."

"Yeah. You got it all fucking figured out."

I don't understand why he gives me so much grief over my sudden departure after intercourse. What else am I supposed to do? Stare into his eyes? Surely, he wouldn't find that enjoyable. Truthfully, after my release I'm exhausted. He gets this burst of energy and wants to talk. I turn up the oil lamp some and stare at my naked flesh in the mirror. It's been years since I've actually taken a good look at myself undressed in front of one. I turn to the side some to examine my breasts he's so fond of. They're not much to look at. Vic added another scar on my right one. Negan will never be able to look past those, especially with how jealous he is. I set my bag on the counter and clean up with my wet wipes. Toothpaste. Floss. Deodorant. I feel a little more human after my rituals.

He's still in the same spot, one leg stretched out. A smirk that consumes half his face.

I cover my chest with my bag, searching for my discarded clothing.

"Looking for these?" He twirls my undergarment around his index finger.

You know I am, you lout! Don't make it seem that way, or he'll never give them back. "I have more."

He rips my bag from my hands.

I cross my arms over my chest.

"Come stand at my feet."

"Why?"

"Because you don't want to."

Fine.

"That's it. Put your arms down."

There's really no point in fighting him.

"Now, sit on my lap."

I surprisingly acknowledge first that he's not aroused. I figured he'd want to have intercourse again.

"I'm always fucking aroused, I'm just a little vertically challenged if you know what I fucking mean. Give me a bit, we can go again if you want." He bounces me twice on his hips.

"This is all new to me. I'm able to have multiple releases, but you are only able to have one."

"You can touch it, I won't mind. You know, for like research purposes."

"It's significantly smaller now."

"Small? Fuck you, I don't hear any complaints when I'm balls deep inside you."

"You're twisting my words. You shouldn't be self-conscious about size, there's no reason for it." I'm shocked again to find out my purpose on his lap is so he can get me back in my undergarments. "Thank you."

"And people always say, 'no one helps you once you're fucked'."

That's oddly poetic in a Negan-esque way. "Do you require assistance with your attire?"

"No," he scoffs.

I have an apprehensive seat on the bed and second guess if the floor is cleaner.

"Where's that bottle of vodka I found?"

He's going to drink? I figured we'd sleep together. "My bag."

"What's that tone for? Someone has to tend the fire and keep your ass warm."

Once again, I've misjudged him. "Come to bed."

"And cuddle? Pfff. No, thanks." He takes a swig from the bottle.

"Very well." His snoring keeps me up anyway.

...

"Alice," Negan calls. His arms have engulfed me.

"Yes?"

"You **know** why I woke you up."

I try to roll over, and avoid this conversation, but he's too strong and I'm unable to move.

"Were you dreaming about Vic?"

"I don't dream about Vic." It's the truth. What Vic did to me was nothing in comparison to those men.

"You talk a lot in your sleep. The shit you say is fucking disturbing, and the way you say it is even more fucked up. Like just now. You cry out the word stop as if it's one man right after another."

"It was one right after another." I'll never go into details with him about it. I refuse. "This conversation is over." Think of something pleasurable. Actinium, Ac, 89. Aluminum, Al, 13. Americium, Am, 95. Antimony, Sb, 51. Argon, Ar, 18. Arsenic, As, 33. Much better.

"Alice, I really don't want to fucking fight with you about this shit. It pisses me the fuck off because you paid the price because your father was a fucking coward. He should have protected you girls. Not checked out the second shit went south."

Negan's sporadic concern confuses me. It always has. "We were lucky. I know he wanted to give us up for adoption, but he didn't. For her."

"Lucky?"

"I grew up in a home with my sister. Not in a foster home with strangers. My father might have neglected us, but he provided for us. I'm not condoning the abandonment, I just don't see the point in feeling sour about a situation I can't help. Where are you going?"

"For a walk. This shit is really bothering me, but you wanna act like it doesn't exist!"

"Correct, because that is how I cope."

"Yeah, except you're not coping! Not when I have to wake you up because you're begging men to stop touching you."

I tell him about the night the initials were carved into my back. After forty-seven seconds, he begs me to stop.

He's on the couch with his face in his hands.

"Now you know why I keep it to myself." He's truly disturbed by what I've told him, and honestly, that night is a vague memory. One of the less painful ones.

"I think about them outside the bar, and the way I fucking treated you that day."

"I no longer live in constant fear that they will come for me, and you don't know how eternally grateful I am. You changed my life forever that day."

His face goes back in his hands. "I don't want your fucking gratitude because I hate the price that comes with it."

"I dislike that you see it that way."

"You're so fucking strong, Alice. I've always admired you for that. It's incredible, especially because of your age."

"You possess admirable strengths, too. Considering your father's abuse, you could have easily traveled down the same path, but you didn't."

He feeds the stove one more piece of wood before I'm in his arms. He's grown quite fond of sleeping against my chest, but only after he removes my top undergarment.

His facial hair is coarse and itches. I miss his smooth skin. I suppose I don't mind tonight because he's close.

* * *

His snoring wakes me as light starts to fill the camper. I cover my chest with the sheet before he opens his eyes.

"No, my titties," he protests.

"You may still lay on them."

"It's not the same," he pouts, getting off me.

"Oh, my," I blurt out once he's rolled over.

He runs his hand down his length before grabbing the base of it. "Yeah? You like that? It's always hardest in the morning. We shouldn't waste it."

I've never really taken the time to inspect it. Rather than having breakfast at the table, we do something else on it. I don't even question it anymore.

...

"This snow is intense." I am grateful he found the camper.

"So why do you keep going out into it?"

"I'm collecting it to melt in the sink. I'd like to wash my hair."

"That's going to take you all fucking day."

"What else is there to do?"

"I can think of sixty nine things to do."

"We just had intercourse three hours ago."

"And? We got a lot of time to make up for."

I lose interest in the conversation and go back out to collect more snow. This does consume the better part of my day, and I feel lazy when he brings back a few catfish. I watch, eager to learn how he cleans and guts them. Kuzma always did that for the two of us. Negan is so fast and efficient at doing it, I hardly feel like I received much of a lesson.

His bloody hand creeps towards my vest, then he lets out a snicker.

Gross! "What are you doing with those?" I point at the entrails, my other fingers squeezing my nose.

"Saving it for bait for tomorrow." He stuffs them in a ziplock bag, then sticks them in the snow outside.

Thank goodness they're gone. I watch to make sure he's cleaning his hands off to my liking before he comes back in.

He takes a sniff of his fingers, then shoves them towards me. "Smells like this girl I took home from the bar one time."

I almost expel all the fluids in my stomach. "I hope you made an appointment with a specialist the following day."

"I didn't stick my dick in her. Might of fallen off."

"That is the most disgusting thing to ever spew from your mouth."

"Hey, I'm the victim here!"

"I'm certain it was right on to the next girl."

"Despite what you think, I haven't fucked **that** many women."

"As long as I'm the last, I do not care."

Negan takes me by the bicep when I start for my bag. "Wait. What are you saying?"

"I'm saying as long as you're not with me, then other women."

"Oh." He lets go of my arm. "I thought you- never mind."

"You thought I what?"

"Nothing," he murmurs and goes back outside.

I get my tube of toothpaste from my bag when it occurs to me what just happened. I take in a small breath, then step outside. "I didn't realize-"

"Forget it, Alice. Forget I fucking said anything."

"No. I want to have this discussion."

"Well, I don't. And why do you have fucking toothpaste out before we even eat?"

"It's for your hands. It helps with the smell." I squeeze some into his palms. "I suppose I'll prepare the fish."

"Yeah," he mumbles.

...

Dinner was profusely awkward. I feel like I should say something to him, but the entire spectrum of emotion still confuses me at times. Charli would know what to do. Hmm. Maybe not. She'd more than likely call us something demeaning. My eyes shift over to the light from the oil lamp coming from underneath the door of the restroom. He's been in there for quite some time. I believe he's grooming, or ignoring me. Possibly, pleasuring himself. Presumably all three.

...

Negan releases his dirty clothes at his feet. "That ain't your usual look of discontent."

It's rare to see him entirely naked. His physique renders me speechless. My eyes move across his broad chest, then trail down. His abdomen is flat, just this hard slab of perfection. The contours of his iliac crest to his pubis reddens my cheeks.

"Heh, like the view?" He runs the sides of his hands down the v. "It's my cock muscles," he snickers.

I slam my eyes shut in disgust.

"Don't let me stop you from gawking. Wanna rub one out while you do it? I won't mind."

Normally, the thought would **never** cross my mind, but the more I take in, the more aroused I become. His deltoids are my absolute favorite. The wide circular shoulder muscles that I love to sink my nails into.

"Alright, suit yourself." He thrusts a foot into his jeans.

"Liar."

"What?"

I point to his boxers on the floor. "You're hardly dressing. You just want me to tell you to stop."

"It worked, right?" He drops his pants at his feet.

"I'm not pleasuring myself to you."

"So let me."

"No," I snap.

"Fucking sorry!"

"I just want to take your physique in! Is that so wrong?"

"You women and your fucking double standards. If I check out your tits, I'm a fucking pervert." He embellishes his height, coming just shy of the camper's roof, and folds his arms across this broad wall that makes up his chest.

Ugh. The arrogant prick!

"Lucky for you, I like being treated like a piece of meat." His wink is as subtle as his erection that's now dangerously close to my face. It's not at its full potential, but it's impressive, though the more turned on he becomes, the more menacing it starts to look.

I lean back some.

"I don't fuck in bed. Go get on the couch."

I'm uncertain why I often try and coax him into it because the location where we have intercourse is irrelevant to me.

* * *

I believe Negan is starting to get a bit of cabin fever. The snow has diminished significantly, though we want to wait another day before abandoning the camper. "It's Christmas today."

"I knew it was coming up any day now."

I hand him the item I've wrapped in newspaper.

"Yeah?" he smirks, ripping the paper. "Nail clippers, huh?"

It's a silly gift, but it serves a selfish purpose. When he laughs, the purpose is served.

"Look, I didn't know what else to say that day. You walked out of Sanctuary, and I, fuck. I couldn't believe you wanted anything to do with me."

"No one has ever taken me in the way that you do."

He rolls his eyes. "You're just so fucking unattractive, Alice."

"That's not what I'm implying. You hold me at such an imposing standard, it's an honor."

"But it comes with a price."

"So be it."

He unzips one of his jacket pockets and tosses a package of Ferroro Rocher at me. "You dropped that shit on the way out."

"This is excellent!"

"Whatever you say."

"Try a piece."

"Fuck no."

"Please?"

"I wouldn't have got the damn thing if I knew I'd be eating the shit, too."

I crack the candy open, removing the center chocolate. It should be more of a cream, but it's become a solid piece over the years.

Negan observes everything I'm doing to the chocolate, and becomes even more interested when I start pulling the hazelnut pieces from the outside shell.

What pieces I can manage to pull from the chocolate, which isn't much. "I dislike my food to touch."

"You don't fucking say? Give me one."

He's actually going to try it? Instead, he starts helping me disassemble the pieces without one judgmental word.

It means more to me than he knows. I despise my tics being pointed out. "Thank you."

"Open your hand." He dumps the pieces in my palm. "What's four?"

I almost choke. "F- four?"

"It's another thing you say in your sleep."

"It's the number of times I attempted to escape but failed." Please, let him believe my lie.

He rubs the scars on my wrists. "Do you flash back to them when we, uh, have intercourse?"

"Depending on your choice of words, it sometimes triggers a memory."

"Like?"

"Telling me to hold still."

"Of course," he frowns.

"Do you ever have flashbacks of Lucille?" I start on the last piece of chocolate.

"You want to know if I flashback to Lucille when we fuck?"

"No! Generally speaking. Do you think about her often?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know, or you don't want to talk about it?"

His fingers run along the grain of her as she sits at his feet leaning against the couch. "I miss her, I guess. Sometimes. Fuck, I don't know. Why are you asking me this shit?"

"She is a part of your life. You should be able to speak freely about her. You love her."

"Love **d**. And look what it got her? Fucking dead." He picks her up as the two leave the camper.

That's why he's incapable of love. He thinks it attributed to her death. I don't find myself jealous of Lucille. I never have. It saddens me that he loved her and it wasn't reciprocated. I hope that one day I can fill the void she left him with.

...

I try my best to clean up using the wet wipes that I've found, but eventually just stop. I sink down next to the cabinet and start to hyperventilate. I'm always filthy. My skin feels like it has bugs on it. I just want to claw it off. I've already started on my forearms. I keep flashing back to that filthy cell they kept me in. The other girl has been dead for days and she's starting to bloat. I cover my ears when I hear the sound of his smokers cough. My cell door creeps open and it's his shadow. He never speaks when he comes to retrieve me. He doesn't need to. Stop this! Sniveling like a juvenile? You are the victor. The survivor. They have perished. As I open the bathroom door, the smell of smoke becomes an actuality.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here," a man says, taking a long drag off his cigarette.

I stare back at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction that I fear him. "Leave."

Smoke spurts from his nose with a snicker as he twists his cigarette out on the table. "You look like you could use some company all alone here." He starts to unbuckle his belt.

"I will not allow you to rape me."

"Is that so?" He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and whistles as three other men invade our shelter.

"I get her first," the man in the back laughs, followed by a choke when nine inch steel is flung at his throat.

Incorrect. I'll get **you** first.

Negan charges in the door with such a tremendous force that when he slams two of them against the wall the entire structure moves.

I pin the smoker's left foot to the floor.

He releases his gun, falling to his knees to try and remove my knife out of his foot.

My attention leaves his screams and over to the man Negan has under him. I watch euphorically as my protector bludgeons the man with his fists. My boot stomps on the smokers hand when he reaches for his gun, crushing his bones under my sole. You'll get yours. "Move again and I'll dissever what means most to you." When he tries to pull my other foot out from under me, another knife leaves my hand to castrate him.

His screams overpower the ones coming from the man being disfigured by Negan.

Enough of this foolishness. I end both of the men's lives Negan has, saving one knife for the impotent.

Negan has other plans when he unsheathes his and repeatedly drives it into the gut of the smoker.

I am perfectly comfortable admitting that I find this egregious ordeal truly satisfying against these defilers. Twenty-five. Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. The knife is pulled away permanently after twenty-eight puncture wounds. All four men will turn. We will not grant them peace.

Negan cleans his bloody hand on the coward's shirt before touching my cheek. His lips press against my ear. "I'm so fucking sorry." He confines me to him by the small of my back, his breathing ragged.

"Your apology is unnecessary. You kept your word."

_Alice, no man will_ _**ever** _ _put his hands on you again. I will die before I let it happen._

Negan is **everything** a man should be. He holds me outward, inspecting me.

"I am unscathed."

He rubs his thumbs over my hands, up my arms, and back down again. "I shouldn't have left you."

"Although it wasn't my intention, I antagonized your departure, and I'm sorry to bring up Lucille. I think we both benefit from not discussing painful memories. It's just not who we are, and I'm happy not reopening those wounds. We'll keep it to ourselves, like we always have."

Negan presses his lips to mine.

We rarely kiss outside of intercourse. I find kissing him to be somewhat displeasing and pointless, but I enjoy the closeness.

"Come on. Get in your coat, we gotta get the fuck out before they turn." He helps me in it, even zipping it up.

* * *

My muddy boot stretches over another corpse.

"I can't fucking believe there are no goddamn maps anywhere!" He takes his frustration out on the car door.

It's one of the reasons I had a difficult time finding my way back. "With modern advances like cell phones and GPS, they're a rarity." I feared that books were going to follow the same path. Before the outbreak, some of the places I loved were shutting their doors.

"The fuck is GPS?"

"Global positioning-"

"Check those cars over there for a map."

"Very well, but we should focus on a shelter. The temperature is dropping by the hour-"

"You don't think I fucking know that?"

"Why are you taking offense to my observation?"

"Because," he yells, kicking the tail light out of one of the cars. He shoves me back when I try to console him. "It's my job to fucking take care of you. To be a man. What have I done? Found us a camper where you were almost raped?"

"Things could have been sufficiently worse. They're not."

He shakes his jacket off and encases it around me. "Come on."

...

He's more willing to take the jacket back after a few hours. "Do you want me to carry that?"

"No." I move the gallon of water closer to my body. The strain of the weight is just one thing that helps keep me warm.

"Wait, I gotta take a piss."

Why does he have to announce it every time? I'm going to teach him manners. A personal vendetta of mine.

...

I should heed my own advice because I've rudely been in this hypnotic state from his tight jeans. He doesn't have much of one, but the black denim contours to his rear well. "Ow," I grunt, losing my grip on the jug when I run into him.

"Damn, Numbers, watch where the fuck you're going."

"My mistake," I flush, hoisting the water back up.

"Put more distance between us if you're going to stare at my ass."

"I- I wasn't! I was deep in thought."

"Deep thought about my ass in these jeans?"

"Yes, and your mouth is ruining all the work your jeans are doing!"

"So you were staring?"

"Your distasteful idiosyncrasies have rubbed off on me."

"You can rub me off any time."

I almost grant him a laugh. He's a lot funnier than I let on. Mostly because I try not to encourage this behavior.

"There's some houses down the street. Come on."

...

The home has a few cans of peas, and dried bananas he eats. There's a well I fill our water containers with, and also fetch some to clean up with.

He's building a fire when I leave the restroom. "The fuck are you staring at now?"

"You have gray in your beard."

"Bull-fucking-shit."

"I think you will be a particularly attractive older man."

He disregards my comment and rises to look himself over in the mirror above the fireplace. "I don't see anything. You're-" He moves closer to the mirror. "You have got to be fucking fucking me!"

"It's perfectly natural. You are turning 40 this year."

"Don't refer to my goddamn age. It makes me feel like a pedophile."

"I didn't know our age difference bothered you."

"Of course it bothers me! You're half my age." He reaches in his beard and plucks the gray hair out.

My eyes sink as these thoughts of doubt enter my mind. Is it wrong of us to be together? "It's a 17 year age gap, not half."

"Big fucking difference, Numbers!"

"I wish we discussed this sooner."

"I said it bothers me, but it ain't a fucking deal breaker."

"Hypothetically, if society rebuilt tomorrow and established a government, would you still want a life with me?"

"You should ask yourself that question, not me. There's no way in hell you'd take a second look at me if shit hadn't have hit the fan."

"I dislike when you imply if not for this extreme circumstance, we wouldn't stand a chance."

"Yeah, I can see it fucking now. After a thirteen hour day at the shop, I'd take my greasy sweaty ass over to the library and we could philosophize over 'House of Leaves'."

"That sounds agreeable. I enjoy it after you work on your motorcycle."

"I was being a smart ass, you fucking nerd."

I ease down on the pallet of blankets he's made, and slowly start to unbutton my shirt.

"Leave it on in case we need to be able to go in a hurry."

It's strange because I find myself disappointed.

He stretches out beside me, kicking off his gigantic boots with a moan. "Fuck that feels good." Lucille is set on the other side of me before he situates himself against my chest. "I would work my ass off for you, seven days a week. Make sure you had everything you need or wanted."

"You already do that."

"Maybe you'd actually stay home, in bed."

"Unlikely."

"Yeah, I fucking figured." He flicks open three buttons. "Okay, just a little bit." His lips press against my skin until he works himself up enough.

I crawl on him and we quickly find our releases.

Then he assumes his position on me, snoring as soon as he settles.

* * *

Negan and I debate the safest way to travel, but come to a complete disagreement. He's insistent on taking his way. I don't want to argue, because it consumes more energy, so I follow behind him. There's an unsettling feeling that comes over me as I continue to check over my shoulder.

"Speed it the fuck up, Alice."

"Wait. Do you hear-" I'm struck in the back of the head by a blunt object while someone strips me of my backpack. A gun shot is fired, but I'm too disoriented to determine from whom. "..Ne..gan," I slur, closing my eyes.

...

Several drops of something fall on my face. I rake my fingers across my cheek, fluttering open my eyes. There's no question of what the liquid is. Blood. His blood from a split open cheek.

"Thank fuck."

I'm still on the pavement. I must have been out a while.

Quite a bit of snow has collected on the shoulders of his jacket. "As more and more time passed, I was certain they fucking killed you."

"They?"

He points to my left.

There's three bodies on the ground, all mangled past the point of recognition.

"I should have fucking listened to you."

"There was no way to anticipate that attack."

He shakes his head, walking away from me.

"Negan! Negan, wait.."

...

I'm even more fatigued since my head injury.

Negan hasn't uttered a word in hours.

His silence is rare, but I know it's because he's upset that I brushed the incident off. His long strides are becoming more difficult to keep up with. For the last mile I've been pulling on car door handles to see if any of them are unlocked. One of the doors on a semi pops open. "Negan!" We're lucky because this one has a sleeper in it.

"Are you sure you should go to sleep after the hit you took?"

"It's nice to hear your voice again."

"Nice?" He braces me by the forehead, using his thumb to widen each one of my eyes. "You must have been hit a lot fucking harder than I thought."

"I find your concern amiable."

"Yeah, there's my little stoic fuck."

Perhaps, to most, that term of endearment wouldn't be ideal, but it's meaningful to me. I cringe when Sherry calls Dwight baby.

"Come here." He allows me to be close tonight, on top of him, while we sleep.

* * *

Despite the cold, he's sweating when he wakes up. "Jesus fucking Christ, it's like an oven in here."

My shirt is damp which means I'll need to wear my short sleeved one for the day until this one dries to avoid hypothermia. I dislike the short sleeves because my burn scars are visible.

_I'm going to break your fucking bones for what you did to my men. Hold still!_

"Where are you going?"

"The restroom." I'm already out of the truck before I respond to him. I press my hand to the back of the trailer doors and start to hyperventilate. Why are these images being forced into my brain? Negan is right. We don't get to feel like this anymore. Now stop it! Before you go and get yourself- I fumble my knife from my vest, lodging it in the dead. When it falls, there's another strategically hidden behind it. Where are they all coming from? I eliminate six before I realize it's a herd headed down the interstate. I hide under the semi, counting the dead as they pass on all sides. One. I'm petrified. Fifteen. What if he comes out of the truck in search for me and is subdued? Twenty-two. This is why it's so imperative for me to be void of emotion. Thirty-seven. A moment of weakness might possibly cost my life. Forty-one. Or even worse, his. Fifty. I cover my ears. Fifty-six. While they don't frighten me, the moans they emanate always have. Sixty-six. There's a few stragglers that trickle by before I can breathe a sigh of relief.

"Ali- Alice," Negan whispers in a panic.

I reach for his leg without thinking. My hand is pinned to the concrete by his boot as I squeal in blinding pain from the weight that is applied.

"Shit," he growls, yanking me towards him.

I cradle my bloody hand. It's my dominant one.

"What the fuck, Alice? I could have fucking cut the damn thing off!"

Once again this morning, I've made a poor decision from emotion. Overwhelmed to see him alive, yet it might very well cost me the ability to have a functioning hand.

He obtains his mother's bandana and wraps it around my hand. "Numbers, goddammit!"

It's the only time I haven't enjoyed that term of endearment. My shameful eyes sink.

Then his voice fills with conviction. "I didn't mean to fucking hurt you. I didn't even know it was you!"

The pain is excruciating. My pride is equally hurt because in his eyes I have displeased him. I'm carried back inside the truck.

Negan is resourceful with the things in my backpack, collecting snow in a ziplock bag to put over my hand.

I don't believe the bones to be broken or fractured because my hand isn't swelling, though I'll use the snow as a precaution. "Thank you."

He can't even look at my injury. "I just had to stay here holding my dick as I watched that herd pass." His gloved hands rub his face.

"It wasn't-"

"Yeah, I know. It wasn't your fucking intention. Keep the bag on that shit. I'm going to see if I can find us something to eat in the other cars."

"Ne-" The door slams shut, startling me. "-gan." I'm not one to sit around, so I rummage through the semi to see if there is anything of use while I wait.

…

He's rather cheerful upon his return. "Noodles?"

"Yes!" I enjoy the packaged noodles, though I eat them without the seasoning package and save it for other food items that desperately need the sodium. There is a small pot in a makeshift kitchen the trucker had constructed. I know Negan is famished, so I tell him to cook his rice first on a fire he's started outside. He's thoughtful enough to prepare my food. I attempt winding the noodles with my fork in my other hand, but it's difficult. They fall back on the plate. I try it three more times before I actually contemplate using my fingers.

Negan takes my utensil and turns it for me, handing the fork back.

"Thank you."

He does this until I've consumed every bite. "Did I break it?"

"No. It's just sore."

"I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"You're not displeased with me?"

"Displeased? Alice, you're not my slave. Don't say shit like that. Fuck."

"Oh, I acquired this." I hand over a jar of peanuts.

"Fucking yes!" He spins the lid open, tilting the can back as if it were a beverage. "Want some," he asks with a mouthful.

I decline because I want him to ingest as much as he can. We might not have a chance to eat for a considerate amount of time after this.

* * *

My concern was valid.

Negan is sluggish as he staggers down interstate 81. He's still convinced we're going to find a deer so he won't have to consume canned food. Six days later, still nothing, and his condition is worsening. Lucille's wire scrapes along the concrete as he lugs her behind him.

"Please consume something," I beg him.

"No."

"What happens if you faint from starvation?"

He stands paralyzed. "You'd be alone," he murmurs.

I extend my finger towards three homes.

"Alright. Fucking fine."

The houses seemed considerably closer than they end up being. Similar to a mirage. The integrity of the first home is concerning. How hasn't it collapsed in on itself? "No," I tell him, backing into him.

"The fuck?" He looks around the living room.

It's as if an animal has been living in here. The conditions are filthy, and the dead are trapped in one of the back rooms.

Negan points at the countertop.

I'm not sure what it is, but I believe it has to do with the manufacturing of illegal substances. The second home was being renovated so there isn't a thing of use. Here Negan is willing to eat, yet we can't find anything. The last home is actually an old Airstream trailer. It's not livable, but at least there isn't human waste on the floor.

"Fuck yeah, canned carrots."

"No. You may not eat this one."

"Why the fuck not?"

"See the bulge? That's bacterial growth in the can."

"You put my bulge in your mouth all the time and you're just fine."

I roll my eyes skyward.

"Are you serious? I can't eat this shit?"

"No, you may eat this." I take a can of corned beef hash down and gesture it at him.

"I ain't eating that shit."

"I will then." Honestly, I'm not even sure what this is. The picture is anything but appetizing. It has a thin layer of white congealed fat when I dump it from the can.

His food isn't any better. He chokes down two cans of beefaroni.

I wish so desperately I could do something for him.

He's miserable, and fighting not to throw up. "This is the worst goddamn thing I have ever put in my mouth."

I attempt to console him by rubbing his back while he finishes off the last can. What I'm sure would be met with opposition isn't, and he seems grateful for it.

The last can is dropped before he barges out of the front door.

My eyebrows furrow when violent sounds of dry heaving starts. I'm helpless to aid him although when the noise attracts some of the dead at least I can defend him.

He's sitting on the steps leading up to the front door. His head is between his legs as he sways side to side, groaning.

I don't see any vomit on the ground. At least, he was able to keep the aliment in his stomach.

* * *

Today has been treacherous for him. He's not accustomed to eating junk food. I'm concerned with his water intake every time he vomits which has been several times, unlike yesterday. There's a small utility shed where the property's owner kept the yard grooming supplies that we've taken shelter in. I pull the large icicles from outside the shed and gather snow to boil. I'm not an expert at starting fire, but once I have it, I'm able to keep it going.

...

I press my lips to his cheek.

He's disoriented when he wakes, and the pain on his face breaks my heart.

"Drink this."

"Alice?"

"I'm here." I situate his head on my lap and help him drink. "Slow." I rub against the coarse grain of hair on his chin. The moan he gives is finally one that isn't painful. "Drink some more."

He hooks his arm around me, kissing my forehead. "Thank you, Numbers."

"You'd do it for me. Rest. I will keep watch."

...

"Alice."

"I'm here."

"Alice."

Is he having a night terror? I'm moved in his arms. Warmth! I enclose the space, curling my frigid fingers against his shirt.

He doesn't speak another word.

I'm just happy to be close.

* * *

I give him some apple cider vinegar I found in the supermarket in warm water. It helps with food poisoning, though I'm not certain that's what he has. I suppose anything I can do for him at this point will help.

"Tastes like shit."

I know he's not feeling well because his dialogue is usually more colorful. "Lay your head in my lap." I run my fingers in his hair.

"Fuck, I wanna go home," he pouts.

"I know. Try and sleep to get your strength for tomorrow. We need to locate another dwelling."

It lasts fifteen seconds before he's running off to vomit.

* * *

We've been walking hours, and the woods still continue to surround us. I've got to build some type of shelter. I rip the duct tape into strips to use as cordage. There's several tree branches that have broken off from the weight of the snow. I find three and set them up, tying them at the top, then start to insulate the teepee. After one layer, I sandwich the mattress cover between another layer to protect us from the snow. I dig a channel outside of the teepee that travels under it. This way, the wind can blow into the channel and feed the fire that I construct in a pit inside the teepee. The fire won't be visible to the dead or people that mean us harm, while providing us heat inside the teepee. "Negan."

He's sagged against the side of the tree under his jacket.

"Negan, you have to help me."

"I can't."

"Stop." I tug on his arm, which he fights me, but eventually crawls inside into a fetal position. He's lost a tremendous amount of weight. At least, twenty pounds which means it's muscle that's being lost because he doesn't have any fat on him. I remove his boots and socks, changing the socks out for a dry pair, then do the same for his shirt. All we were able to scavenge that fits him is a sleeveless shirt, but his current wet thermal is only going to excel his hypothermia. I have my short sleeved uniform. It will also have to do. Hopefully, by morning, our warmer clothes will be dry. I boil us a gallons worth of water before getting an hour of rest.

...

"Alice?"

"I'm here."

"Alice, why won't you be one of my wives?"

I touch his cheek. He's unbearably warm, and hallucinating. "I am." I choke back tears, unable to think of any other response. I squeeze his leather jacket tighter after he's silent for a bit. Please don't give up. **Please**.

* * *

"Negan?" I'm so fearful for his life. He's not responding to me today. "Wake up, Negan." I slip off my jacket and put it over him. He's so cold. Dehydrated. Starved. If Sanctuary was at least within thirty miles, I'd run all the way back in hopes that I could retrieve help and he'd pull through. All I can do is use my training Nicole has given me, as well as my survival skills.

* * *

His coughing wakes me. I check him for a fever. "Drink." I know that I've got to find us some food. There's a reservoir not too far from here. Maybe I will get lucky with fishing. I triple check to make sure he's warm and secure before I venture out to locate the body of water. The dead seem more sluggish today so it's easier for me to handle them. I do believe it has a lot to do with these knives Negan's constructed for me. The weight distribution isn't quite where I'd like it to be, but I can account for that by using a different throwing technique. "Come on," I grunt when the suction makes it difficult to retrieve my knife from the dead. With every passing day the temperatures get colder, and it worries me what February will bring. I'm unfamiliar with the weather patterns in Pennsylvania, but it seems like a more unforgiving winter than ever. I stick my knife in the snow, marking the spot where the snow comes up to. Four inches have fallen today alone. Four. **Four**. **F-Four**. The knife falls from my hand as I cover my ears and try to fight off these voices. "Stop," I shrill. One of the dead tackles me to the ground. I'm unable to hold his weight up and retrieve a knife from my vest at the same time. There's nothing around me to assist in the decimation of the brain. I'm still not at my full strength in my other hand just yet, but give it my all. I slide my hands up to its neck, digging my fingers into the flesh. The soft flesh is easy to penetrate and my adrenaline aids inner strength I didn't know I possessed. My plan to remove the head from the body is starting to work. The only way I can describe the smell of the dead is when a rat has died. That odor that resonates from it. Now I have the luxury of wearing the fragrance. The head finally detaches from the body after one more arduous pull. I feel a little barbaric about it, raising it in triumph. I will not be defeated this easily. Still, this was a person, and I honor it by taking the license to add to my collection of remembrance.

...

_Why don't you ever cry, Alice?_

_I don't understand your question._

_Most people cry when they are sad._

_I'm not sad._

_Ugh, you're so serious. Like all the time._

_Always._

_You should try to be more human-like._

_No, thank you. I'm perfectly content in my ways._

_Your ways are never going to get you laid._

_Your mouth is appalling._

_Hey, my insolent dialogue is my best feature._

_No, it's a nuisance._

_I'm sure someone appreciates it. Oh, can you imagine a male version of me?_

_The thought is almost too much to bear._

My eyes well up at the memory of Charli. I'm foolish to stay out here at the reservoir for as long as I have. I pull on the make shift duct tape fishing line, dragging the one measly fish I've caught, behind me. Another two inches have fallen, making it more difficult to walk. I'm so weak, and fall face first in the snow.

_Alice._

"Charli?" I flicker open my eyes. "I'm unable to continue," I whimper.

_Alice, get up, you pussy._

"Don't use that language!" Then her voice is gone. "Alright, you may use that language, come back," I sob. "Charli, please, I. No!" I'm unable to focus on anything but the numerous scenarios that could have saved her. Or that could have prevented Negan's illness. The common denominator is me.

* * *

"Negan, wake up," I murmur in his ear. He needs to drink more, and I was able to scavenge some cereal. "Here." I help him drink, and give him something for his fever.

The fish gave him some strength yesterday. He picks at the cereal, taking a few bites.

I dab the sweat from his face because as sweat cools he'll become more hypothermic.

* * *

I'm so exhausted I almost fall asleep in the fire pit. I notice his chest isn't rising or falling and press my fingers to his neck to feel for a pulse. Faint. Like his coloring. "Please wake up," I beg, tugging on his lapels. Why isn't he responsive? He's so cold I'm fearful his heart is going to stop. I give him my jacket, and put my small gloves on him, only able to cover two fingers of his. Crying is foolish because I need the hydration, but I'm unable to stop. "I- I won't wear the vest anymore, just wake up," I plea in the crook of his neck.

* * *

"Alice."

It's difficult, but I pry open my eyes.

"Alice," Negan murmurs, kissing my ear. His arms engulf me.

He's awake on his own?

"Thank you for taking care of me."

I sit curled up in his lap, softly crying.

He rubs my back, while using his other hand to cook the deer he killed.

My heavy eyes close. It's indescribable being this close. Feeling his warmth again. It's intimacy for me. The food he's prepared riles up my stomach. I stretch my hand out to retrieve a piece, but he doesn't allow it.

"Open your mouth."

"You're going to feed me?"

"Yeah, open up."

I weep softly as I consume the meat. I'm without words that he has made a full recovery and that we can continue our life together.

"Open."

"Thank you for catching this deer."

"Found a metal grate. Tonight we can smoke what's left."

I wish I could express my gratitude to him.

"It's not a pizza, but did I do well?"

My soft cries become full sobbing. He doesn't understand how close he came to perish, and while I'm thankful for the meat, it's him that overwhelms me.

"What's wrong, Numbers?"

"I've missed you so much."

"I'm right here."

"Now you are."

"What?"

"You've been in and out of consciousness for days."

"Fuck."

Exactly.

"This is a kick ass shelter you built. We'll go as soon as the snow lets up."

* * *

"Negan," I whimper faintly, almost losing my footing. While he's made a full recovery, I haven't.

"Where's your gloves?" He blows into my frigid hands, before putting his on me.

I left them in the shelter I constructed when I forgot I put them on him. "I'm uncertain."

"Well, good fucking thing winter is just a few more weeks. Thank fuck, right?"

"I- suppose." What a strange expression, though it's Negan so why question it?

He picks me up, holding me against him.

I lay my head on his shoulder as my legs wrap around his waist. I'm exhausted and unable to keep my eyelids open.

"We'll find something."

It's been miles, and now he's having to tote me around. My lips tremble against the crook of his neck as I shiver in his arms. You can feel this unbearable cold all the way to your bones.

"Kill the undead, okay, Numbers? I'm going to dig a trench."

No, my warmth! "Very well." There's several that have clustered in this area. At least, the activity raises my core temperature.

"It's not fucking ideal, but this way we are safe. From both the living and the dead." He's put the dead I've killed on all sides of it so we'll camouflage in with the pile. "Give me your hand."

The pit provides us some protection from the wind. "Here." I loan him my vest to use as a pillow.

He has me put my hands under his shirt. His skin is warm.

"Goodnight, Negan."

"Yeah, Numbers." He already sounds half asleep.

I know he's exhausted. We both are. It's imperative that I get us home.

* * *

I'm so unbearably cold when I wake that my body aches, yet I know this is the warmest I'll be all day. He faintly emits heat, unlike last night. I lie as still as possible to keep from disturbing him. We're half way home. I imagine being home, in his bed, with the fire going. That big arm slung over him, his face tucked away by the crook of his elbow. Though if we were home, I'd already be down stairs consuming stale fiber cereal that no one fights me for. It already tasted stale before the outbreak, so there's really not much of a difference. My eyes widen. I can feel his erection hardening against my leg. He's even aroused in his sleep? Oh my, please go down. This is embarrassing.

...

"What were you dreaming about?" I pry.

"When I had wives."

"I see."

"Why don't you ask me what it is you really want to know?"

Oh, thank goodness, I thought he was serious. "You were aroused in your sleep."

"That's just a guy thing. Fuck, I'm hard at least fifteen times a day, and those are just the times I'm not staring at your tits."

"It's impossible to stare, they are covered up by the vest."

"Doesn't mean I don't think about them. Wondering what they look like without a bra. You ever going to let me see them in the light?"

"If we make it home I will."

He yanks my hand and I'm practically dragged.

"Not so fast," I laugh.

"I'll carry you then. I think I can run half way home if my reward is titties in my face."

"How do you know we're half way?"

"We passed some sign or some shit a few miles back."

I didn't notice a sign. Well, at least my methods of counting are effective. "We should consider running two miles a day, on top of the eight we walk."

"Yeah, use that brain." He shows me the outline of his erection against the denim.

"Does my intellect truly arouse you?"

"Well.. yeah, but to be fair, you could be drooling in your sleep and it would turn me on."

"I don't drool!"

"Everyone fucking drools," he laughs as if my insecurity is absurd.

I try and silence his gaping mouth with my hand.

"Fuck! Your hands are like ice."

"No, leave your jacket on."

"I'm not cold."

"Yes, you are."

He helps me from the pit, and just as I predicted, I'm even colder. "I'd rather try and put fifteen miles behind us. It's February which means the clock is ticking until a full blown blizzard."

"I'd rather locate shelter and ride the next two weeks out."

His lungs fill with air before he lets the long sigh out. "Alright. Yeah."

"Shelter will be the only way we can survive a blizzard. We won't outrun it."

"Did you offer to show me your tits because you think we ain't gonna make it home?"

"I am confident we will make it home."

"So.. the tits, that's a real thing?"

"Yes," I giggle.

"That's right. **My** laugh."

I suppose it is his laugh. I'm never happier than when I'm in his presence.

* * *

The sky is about to give at any moment.

"That a suitcase?"

"Yes." I use my knife to wedge the lock open. "Clean socks! Here, these will even fit you."

"Thank fuck."

The other suitcases are empty, but they lead a trail like breadcrumbs to a limousine that has crashed in a tree. The windows or doors aren't compromised which means it will be a suitable dwelling. Vehicles are a preferred choice of mine for shelter. It protects from the elements and usually detours people or dead from bothering you. "Water," I yell. There's several bottles in the small fridge. It takes me seven seconds to chug the first one.

He puts my record to shame.

I give him four more and take the last one. "May I use your knife?" I slice open the long benched seats, pulling the foam out and I build a crawlspace with this foam and leather. It's not as much as I had anticipated, but it will at least cover our heads and torso. "Will you get the foam from the front?"

He also finds a 9mm in the driver's suit. The 9mm clip is full.

I check the suit inside pocket and find a flask.

"Thank you." It's quickly removed from my hand and consumed.

There's also a set of keys that I use to check the trunk. I'm almost speechless. It's more luggage. Our luck continues to improve because two of these are filled with food. "Here's your canned carrots, bulge free."

"Was that an attempt at humor?"

"Yes. Am I successful?"

"Nope," he laughs, taking the suitcase into the limo.

* * *

"You're not going with me."

"Yes. I am."

"I want you to stay here, Alice."

"No."

He locks the limo and we begin our day despite his numerous protests.

I'm exhausted, but my hand has healed. It's impossible to sleep when your body shivers all night. Today is uneventful, or so it was.

"Is that? Fuck yes!"

It's a laundry mat. Excellent, though we don't realize how lucky we are when we find a bed set in several dryers. The pillows were just a plus, it's the comforter I'm most excited for. Especially because I know they are unused and clean.

...

The front door window of the limo is broken. Two men come out of it. "Someone was living there."

"We staying here for the night?"

The other man lights a cigarette. "I say we just keep on south. We ain't got but a couple more weeks of this shit before it melts anyhow."

I can see the relief Negan has, but also conviction.

He quickly realizes the safest I can be is when we're together. Negan used some scrap metal for a make shift window. "If you stayed behind, those men-"

"Stop. It could have happened, it didn't. Why dwell on it?"

"Because, I like dwelling on shit, okay?"

No one makes me laugh like him, and it's a mutual feeling.

"They didn't mess with your hut thing."

"Outstanding." I use the sheet to better insulate any spots where air can get in, and use the fitted sheet to extend its length. His feet will still poke out, but that's to be expected. "Was your mother tall?"

"Yeah, he was, too. Six foot six."

"That must have been even more fearful."

"He didn't need his size."

I'm often left to wonder if I should continue the questions, or leave it alone. He doesn't seem like the person that benefits from discussing the abuse. I know this because I'm the same way about discussing anything. We're just different like that. Most people feel the need to talk only to talk, because they genuinely fear silence. This is another reason he's the ideal mate. Though, I never imagined myself with an alpha male. He embodies this role, right down to multiple partners, though let's hope that is behind him. His arrogance challenges mine, he pointed this out long ago. I crave stimulation like that. I **need** it. If we traded insults during intercourse, I would let him do anything to me. I try to initiate that kind of talk, but he's usually taken over with pleasure so they stop half way through. There's that sensation in my stomach again. I don't understand how to approach him and convey I'm aroused. Joanna has this look about her that she gives Connor sometimes at the dinner table and within an instant they are gone. I fear if I gave Negan that same look he'd confuse it for pain. To be fair, sometimes he knows when I'm aroused. I wish tonight was one of those. Instead he's already turned in. I suppose I will, too.

* * *

"Goddamn, are you okay? Because you're extra bitchy today, I mean, shit. And not the sexy bitchy, either."

I'm still aroused from two days ago, and it's making me think with emotion rather than logic. This is all his fault. That white long sleeve thermal that defines his arms and torso. I sound ridiculous. I am ridiculous.

"Fine, fuck it then. Be a bitch. I'm going to take a piss." He slams the door behind him.

Oh, no, what have I done?

...

The side door opens. Finally.

"I want to have intercourse."

"Really, now?" The man smirks, eyeing me up and down.

Oh, no, it's those same people!

"No, no, no." He points his gun at me before I can get to my vest. "Found who's been squattin' here, wonder if she's the one who killed our boys in the camper," he shouts out the door. "Oh, yeah, she's a youngin', too." He licks his lips. "Yeah. We're gonna have fun with yo-"

Negan reaches in the limo and pulls him from it by his hair.

I snatch my vest and hurry outside, but before I can get a knife out, I see four mangled corpses.

"Get back inside," Negan yells at me.

I use the sleeve of my shirt to clean the dirty window so I can see out it. My eyes widen. "Yes," I whisper, watching Negan torture this man.

He knows all the places to hit so he can prolong the man's suffering.

My breath keeps fogging up the window as I watch my protector deliver each blow. Watching him become animalistic, defending what's his, is lust at its pinnacle for me. "No," I whimper, when he uses the snow to clean his bloody face.

He grabs my cheek. "Are you okay?"

My lips part, but I can't get the words out.

"Alice?" He tilts my face some, inspecting it.

Why can't I just say it?

"You just shaken up?"

I don't know what comes over me, and my face is flush before I even grab the front of his pants.

His lips part as his left eyebrow starts to tug upward.

"I, uh. Shall-" I'm taken to the floor, as he rips open my shirt.

"As much as I want to watch you fucking beg me for my dick-"

He's assaulted, and it's not because I'm displeased, I'm trying to antagonize him. There's a part of me that wonders if Negan holds back some during intercourse. "Harder."

"Fuck, yes!" His hips slam against mine.

"More!"

"You like me pounding that little pus-" He lets out a scream.

My nails dig deep into his throat. I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth in disappointment. "You are going to remove that word from your vocabulary, do you understand me?"

"Yea-"

"Yes."

"Yes," he grunts.

I release his throat. "Again."

Negan pins my wrists against the floor.

"Wh-"

"Oh, no. This is what you wanted. I'm going to fucking give it to you."

"Oh," I moan. I've already given in after one deep thrust. My will is weak.

Thrust.

I'd slap him if my hands weren't stationery.

Thrust.

How does such perversion become such bliss? What is wrong with me? He turns me into this other woman. I exude confidence I wasn't aware I had.

"Tell me you fucking like it."

"I asked for it harder."

He stills his hips, catching his breath. "You fucking serious right now?"

"Do what I tell you," I snap at him.

"Any harder and I-" He seems bothered by my request.

"Release your hands from me. I don't want to have intercourse any longer."

His hands instantly let go. He should have left, but he even assists me in pulling my pants back up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pinned you down. You even told me that shit fucking bothers you."

"That's not what is bothering me."

"What's wrong, Alice? You're all over the fucking place. It's not like you to give me such mixed signals."

"I've been aroused for the last two days. It started when I thought about trading insults during intercourse. That's why I say the things I do. To antagonize you, because I genuinely enjoy the belligerent exchange of words towards one another."

"I've always had this suspicion, but, fuck."

"It's not the only thing. I find it truly satisfying that you become submissive to me because you are the alpha male. The control is arousing in ways I cannot describe."

"Do you know why that is?"

"No."

"It's because of what they did to you. If you're in control, then you don't feel like the victim. It's probably why you like my dick in your mouth so much because you're in control of that, too."

"Are you angry with me?"

"Angry? Fuck, no! This is hot! You wanna trade insults? Fucking let's go, you arrogant fuck." He strips my pants right back off.

Oh, this is excellent! A chess match of wit. Very well. "I enjoy giving you fellacio because it awards me your silence."

"Maybe you just ain't fucking doing it right."

"At least, you last longer at this so I may receive some type of morbid pleasure from it."

He braces my hips, heaving against me, then pulling out. His fingers move between my legs. "Yeah?" He holds them out in front of my face. "What's this, Alice? Because it sure feels like to me you're enjoying yourself."

When we are done, I can't move. The dead are clawing the windows from my screams and his expletives.

"Goddamn, I've never shot a load that fucking hard before, and you're still here? Now I know I fucked you good."

"Well."

"What-the-fuck-ever. I fucked you well. Fucking dickhead. Enjoy your carpet burn."

I point to his elbows. They're scraped and bloody.

He actually gets concerned, but not for himself, and starts to inspect my skin. "Your ass is a little red, but you're not bleeding."

His concern chokes me up a bit. No one has ever taken care of me. My undergarment is slid up my legs in place. "Thank you."

It's all he helps with before planting his face against my breasts.

"Your titties are so fucking comfortable, even against this itchy lace bra shit."

"Your facial hair is itchy."

"It's worse than a dirty ass crack. Shaving is the first thing I'm doing when we get home."

"Don't get too comfortable. The undead need to be cleared before they break the glass."

"Always trying to fucking bolt on me."

"No, I'm staying," I yawn, "you may clear."

"Will you get naked for me so I'll have something to look forward to?"

It's dark inside the crawl space I made so he can't see the scars. "I suppose, since you asked so nicely."

"Fuck, yeah!"

I barely get situated before he comes back.

"But, you said," he pouts, feeling my clothed skin.

"You may undress me." My skin is so aroused by everything he does.

He knows exactly the places to run his fingers against, where to press his lips, and how to tease me with his tongue. He's all over me, pleasuring me in ways I didn't know possible. "I think that's enough tonight." He swats me on my rear. "Are you cold?"

"No."

"Well, you will be once you come out of your sex coma."

The boorish Savior leader is submissive to me again tonight. Not a perverted word even dares to slither from his arrogant mouth. Like he's grateful for this and doesn't want to do anything that would cause me to tell him to get off. His beard tickles my chest. It's ironic that removing clothes to have intercourse really is the best way to stay warm. The blanket helps, but he's the equivalent of my own personal space heater when his skin is flush against mine. I've never been one to lay around, unless it's with a book, but that's all we can do in this blizzard. In some ways, I find this more enjoyable than a book. I won't tell him that though.

* * *

After two weeks, we say goodbye to the limo, as well as interstate 81. If my hunch is correct, we will take a short cut and bypass Harrisburg, head south, and end up on interstate 83. The farther south, the more frequent our run-ins with the dead become. "Hurry," I yell back at Negan. "We're almost there." There finally comes, and we stand before the sign that says 'Maryland welcomes you'."

"Let's fuck against it."

"H- how? We might could have intercourse under it."

"Don't care, I just want to be inside you." He yanks me forward by my wrist as I start to laugh.

* * *

"Motel." My eyes shift in the direction of the building.

"You know what that place is?"

"No." I start for the motel as he begins to snicker. "What? What is it now?"

"Nothing," he simpers, waltzing over to me. "After you."

What does he mean after me? I slam the motel room door shut as soon as I open it. "Disgusting!"

"I tried to tell you."

I'm certain these rooms were rented by the hour. Perhaps, even by him.

"Come on, you fucking nerd. There's some places down the road. Unless you want to stay-"

"You **know** I don't want to stay here."

...

The previous occupant of the home we find has turned. She's in her pajamas. Their clothing is something I often take note of. It better helps me understand who they were.

"Fucking stare a little harder?" Negan swings Lucille, decimating the creature.

"I wasn't in immediate danger." He proceeds to lecture me, but I pay him no mind. "Oh," I squeal, swatting the other cans out of my way. "It's canned cheese!"

"There's a bulge on it."

"No, there's not!"

"Want there to be?" He raises his eyebrows up and down.

"You're not putting your bulge anywhere near my cheese."

"May I put it somewhere else?"

"Stop," I laugh, soft at first, but then I can't stop. I'm unable to contain my excitement.

He tilts his head some.

"What?"

"Look, I, uh. I like you just the way you are. Stoic, bitchy, and arrogant, but I do enjoy the times I get to see you laugh."

His confession reddens my cheeks.

"I know shit ain't been fucking easy for you, Alice."

"I watched this movie when I was younger. One of the two films I enjoyed. There was a machine that accompanied a boy. Sent from the future to protect him. The machine asked the boy why he cried, and after numerous attempts to explain to the machine, the machine still didn't understand. The machine understood his mission. Protect the boy at all cost. In the end, the machine had to be destroyed and it explained to the boy that even though he was incapable of doing it himself, he understood why the boy cried. Before those men took me from our home, I too was incapable of feeling emotion. Perhaps it wasn't an ideal way to learn, but I somewhat understand it now."

"Sounds about right. You having to take care of me."

"You **are** an immature boy."

"Fuck you," he laughs.

* * *

"Any luck with fishing?"

My eyes widen.

"Oh," he frowns when he finds me washing my hands.

I struggle to keep my hands in the water, but he's stronger.

"What the fuck, Alice?"

"Leave!"

"They're bleeding! Stop this shit right fucking now!"

"I- I can't!"

He pries the soap from my hands, chucking it into the pond.

"No," I sob, ready to dive in after it.

"Would you look at your-fucking-self? Look at your fucking hands, Numbers! Look," he screams, shoving them closer. "Fuck, we're lost out here in the middle of fucking nowhere but I bet you're still cleaner than anyone at Sanctuary."

"This is not about cleanliness! I feel like something malevolent will happen if I don't finish my rituals."

"Yeah, something bad will happen if you don't stop this shit. You're going to get a fucking infection or something, goddamn!"

"I don't expect your simple mind to comprehend this!"

"My simple mind? So you think you're smarter than me?"

"I **know** I am." I remove my vest before diving into the water to retrieve my soap. The air is instantly sucked from my lungs, and a sensation comes over me like a million knives piercing my skin. I swim to the surface and gasp violently for a breath.

"Well, at least, my dumb ass knew enough not to go into the freezing fucking lake." He pulls me from it, setting me on the ground.

I curl in the fetal position, wailing in pain.

He drops his jacket and shirt at his feet before sitting beside me.

My shirt is unbuttoned before I'm in his lap.

He uses his body heat to warm me.

"I'm sorry, Negan," I cry.

"I already knew you were fucking smarter than me," he smirks.

"No, because if that were true, I never would have made that comment."

"Yeah, but that's just your arrogance. It's your best feature. That and your little perky nipples." He pokes at one over the bra.

I'm still remorseful for the way I've talked to him, and embarrassed he witnessed me in that state. Not even Charli saw me that way.

"Are you warm?"

I nod.

"Let's find some place to hold up while your clothes dry."

* * *

We're not far from home. Maybe five days. I'm hesitant to go into the town ahead, but we need to see if we can stock up on supplies. Besides, Negan is on some personal vendetta with no signs of stopping. I don't know why he's bothering with the Firearm store. I, on the other hand, find something of note. A bulletproof vest. Though, I am slightly hesitant to apprehend it. Is it an omen that I'll be shot?

"Come here, Numbers," he tells me. He slips a Kevlar tactical glove over my left hand. "Maybe this will, uh. I don't know how it works." He helps me in the other one. "If they're covered, maybe you won't have to do that washing thing as much."

Now I understand his vendetta. "Negan, I-" I don't believe it will help, because as I explained to him, it's not about hygiene for me. Yet, I am so overcome with emotion at his consideration. I return the favor on my knees.

"Oh, fuck, yes!" He's lethargic after his release and leans on the glass display.

"Your weight is going to compromise the integrity of the glass."

"You calling me a fat fuck?"

A loud noise fills the store. At first, I thought he really did crack the glass, but its people on the other end of the store shattering the displays.

They're setting explosives in them. Only one group that we know of would do that. Syndicate.

Escaping undetected is challenging, but when we do, we have the perfect opportunity to run and leave the group behind.

"Come on," Negan snaps under his breath.

"No." We hide across the street.

"This is fucking stupid, Alice."

"I want to use this as a way to gather information on the group." I note everything I possibly can from the vehicles, to physical descriptions of the members. The trucks they use are white, and the former logo on the sides have been covered up with paint. I count three. What if this means their location is a distribution center of some sort? What companies have white trucks? FedEx, Amazon, Wonder Bread, and ten thousand others. Screams from the jewelry shop focuses my attention there.

"Bring the abomination."

I recognize that voice from the funeral parlor.

A man is put on his knees in the middle of the street. He doesn't beg or try to plea for his life. The Syndicate seem to live by an eye for an eye principle. We witnessed this in the funeral home when the same man gouged another man's eyes out for a mistake. It might seem cruel, but this practice has been around for centuries.

The other men gather and watch the dead rip apart one of their own for getting others killed.

Negan keeps me close, his other hand clenching Lucille.

I know we'll be safe, but for how long? What if Negan and I make it back only to find they've got to our people while we were away? I suppose I won't concern myself with worry. It doesn't change the situation. We still need to focus on getting there.

"The debt has been paid. Your rank will not save you. Let this be a lesson to you all."

The lack of remorse they have does concern me. If they are willing to slaughter their own, how we will fair against them? This group becomes more intimidating every time we have an encounter.

The Syndicate set the rest of their explosives and, thankfully, ride north.

"Let's see what we can scavenge."

"We should leave. The noise will attract anything near."

"Just means we need to fucking hurry."

Disagreements are natural, but this is foolish. Yes, we need food, but this is not the proper way to go about it. I play a bit of pretend and walk farther down the street hoping he'll give this pointless charade up, but he's sifting through the rubble. I remove all my knives as the dead are already starting to fill the street. I'll protect him, but I'm not-

"Fuck," Negan bellows, as the ledge he's on breaks and he falls to the ground.

"Negan!" Even from this distance I witnessed the blow to the back of his head from the rebar.

He's not moving and the dead take note of their next meal.

"Why don't you listen to me?" My anger fuels my ability to kill the dead faster, but I only have so many knives. I cast my last knife out to protect him. "Negan!"

He's still unconscious.

I frantically remove the canned cheese from my bag and hurl it at the dead about to devour him. It sinks right into the rotted flesh, dropping the dead on top of him. "Wake up," I shout, shoving the corpse from him. There's little blood on the concrete, but that doesn't mean there isn't the possibility of internal bleeding.

"Ripped my fucking jacket on the way down," he groans, showing me his sleeve. My sigh of relief makes him realize this isn't a joke. "What the fuck," he's revolted, dragging his hand across his neck.

"It's cheese."

"Cheese?" He thinks on it for a moment. "Your canned cheese," he frowns.

"I have you."

"One day I'll listen to you."

"I won't hold my breath."

"Fuck you," he laughs.

I don't find it as humorous. "Are you able to stand?"

"Yeah, let's find some place to stay for the night."

...

I will not miss constantly needing a dwelling. The dirt road we're on, and I use the term road loosely, is only leading us farther from the town. We finally locate a decrepit house.

Negan is apprehensive about going inside, but it's so dark, you can barely make out your hands in front of you. It's no longer safe to travel. He stands on the porch while I survey the house with my flashlight.

All the windows are boarded up. I pry several from the door where a notice of eviction was taped. Most of the furniture is either broken, or covered with cloth. I trip when the wooden floor caves in and catches my foot. Luckily, there's no damage to my ankle. I'm able to locate an oil lamp. Several actually, and strategically place them in a few common rooms.

Negan is still on the porch.

I find it a bit questionable because he's always first in something to assure my safety. Not that it's in danger. No one has lived here in forever. "Are you coming inside?"

"No."

"I don't understand."

"It's a pretty fucking simple concept, Alice."

His mood swings are sometimes almost unbearable. It's maddening, and his callow mindset at times often gives me a migraine. I massage my temples before proceeding to clean myself for the night. The mirror is broken in so many places it's unusable. Maybe it's for the better. I dislike seeing the reflection in it.

...

There is an antique clock in the hallway I'm particularly excited about acquiring the gears for my collection. A repetitive noise catches my attention away from the clock.

It's coming from Negan. At least he's inside now. He has also found something that interests him. He's clutching a large bottle of alcohol, but I can only see his limb slung over the arm of the couch. Rather than having Lucille in the other hand, it's a fire poker. The noise is from when the metal slaps against the floor.

Based on my encounter with the floor, I wouldn't do anything to weaken the integrity further. I'm concerned at the amount of alcohol he's consumed, but I notice the lid is still on it. Wait a second. I suck in a breath through my lips. "Th- this is your home."

His eyes inch up to mine.

I've never seen someone so lost in their home. "We should leave."

"What's the fucking rush? I didn't give you the tour."

"That is unnecessa-"

He releases the bottle of alcohol, and swipes my wrist.

I'm drug behind him as he swings the fire poker to nudge certain items in the house, but he just ends up breaking them when the metal comes down hard on the object. His grip is intensifying.

It's starting to hurt, and when I emit a painful whimper, he releases his hold. "Please, may we just leave?"

His fingers trail along a cast iron frying pan.

I'm certain it was a form of correction his father used on him, like the fire poker.

He leaves me alone in the kitchen.

I take hold of one of the oil lamps to try and locate where he went.

He sits against the doorframe of a bedroom, his knees up to his chest and his forearms resting on them.

I move in between his legs, having a seat myself after I set the oil lamp on the floor.

He just stares blankly ahead.

This isn't a circumstance where you tell someone you're sorry, or ask what you can do. I, too, was in this same situation when we returned to my home.

"I knew we were getting close. Guess it just seemed so fucking far away from anything the last time I was here. Been a long fucking time since I've sat here."

Oh, his mother's bedroom. I reach up to close the door.

He puts his hand out to prevent it from closing. "I just want to leave everything the way it is."

I retrieve the gears from my satchel. "I- I removed these. I apologize, I didn't-"

"The one in the hallway?"

"Yes."

"That was my mom's favorite." Even the largest gear looks small between his fingers. "I hated that fucking thing." The gear is dropped back in the satchel. "Keep it. She would have wanted you to have it." He seems livelier recalling her memory. "You ever miss your mom?"

"I don't remember enough about her. She was deaf, so I learned sign language at an early age. There was a few things my father told us about her. She was born in Budapest."

"Can you speak Hungarian?"

"No."

"I can speak a little."

"Why did you learn the language?"

"I was trying to fuck this girl," he laughs. "She was a sacker at the supermarket down the street from the shop. Born in Budapest, too."

"What happened between the two of you?"

"My fucking mouth ruined it."

"Well, that's par for you."

"Ha-fucking-ha."

"That's impressive you'd learn a second language for a woman."

"I learned one for you," he snickers.

"Your vocabulary is well versed, Negan. I wouldn't chose a mate that couldn't stimulate my mind as well."

"I'd rather stimulate something else."

"What happened with the Hungarian girl again?"

"My mouth fucking ruined.. oh. Well, fuck. At least, you're laughing." He tugs on the ribbon in my hair as it spills from it. "Leave it down for me."

"Very well."

"It wasn't a question."

"Are you trying to trade insults?"

"Maybe. Kinda. I dunno. Guess it would be kinda awkward to fuck here. Look, uh, thanks for getting my mind off shit, and not saying something stupid like how sorry and shit you are."

I'm pleased he recognizes my efforts. "May I ask why you think I'm a suitable choice in mate?"

"You can show such little emotion, and it still have such an effect on me. I appreciate you for more than your.. well.. I can't say the word or you'll fucking slap me. You just have this magnetism about you, Alice."

I'm satisfied with his answer. His fingers in my hair relaxes me, making the draft hard floor an option to stay. "Sleep. I will watch over you."

"You gonna protect me?" He smirks, resting his head against the wall.

I wipe a small bit of cheese from his neck. "To the best of my ability. Yes." He deserves to feel safe in his home at least once.

* * *

"Left."

"No, right."

"Negan, we're coming south, not north. Left."

"Tch, fine."

I'm uncertain why he tries to argue with me about direction if he claims I'm better at finding my way than most.

"Look, I don't want to jinx the shit, but you haven't had a nightmare in weeks."

Actually, he's correct.

"Maybe talking worked."

"Perhaps." Though I don't wish to make a habit of it.

"I don't have flashbacks of Lucille. Not good ones at least."

Oh, he's opening up about her?

"I feel a lot of guilt about the way she died, and I think it's why I don't have empathy towards most people when it comes to their shit."

"You have a sparing degree of empathy for a select group."

"Well fucking put. Sparingly. See? You always get me."

I give him a small giggle. "Look straight ahead."

His lips start to part. "You fucking did it, Numbers," he exclaims.

" **We** did it." I curl my fingers around his. I know he dislikes affection like this, but I require the closeness. "Together."

He squeezes back unlike the other times. His hand is twice the size of mine.

I'm a small girl to begin with, and he's so massive. I barely come up to his chest when standing. It used to intimidate me, now I find his muscular frame comforting. I take in the vast industrial factory. "It's bigger than I remember."

"Yeah, I know," he simpers, tugging on the front of his jeans.

Perhaps I set myself up for that one.

"I better not walk into some cocksucking mess, that's all I gotta fucking say."

It seems we have a new contender for the strangest obscenity placed in a sentence to leave his mouth, though it never surprises me. My list is frequently updated. "I'd like to visit Charli before I go inside."

"Want some company?"

"I'll only be a moment."

"Yeah, well, don't be too long. You owe me some titties."

"N- Negan?" Dwight's grip on his crossbow slackens. "We all thought you were fucking dead!"

"Reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated."

Dwight starts to laugh, until he notices me. "Alice!" This time, the weapon falls and his arms engulf me.

I find it awkward for several reasons, but mostly because he doesn't wear any type of shirt under his vest. Still, Dwight, along with Tara, befriended me when I first arrived, and I will never forget their kindness.

Negan doesn't seem jealous by Dwight's forwardness.

I believe it's because there was this unspoken concern that we'd never make it back to Sanctuary.

"Where are the trucks?"

"Marshall and the others are out on runs. Bryan and Kuzma usually lead a team every day searching for the two of you."

I'm somewhat relieved that most everyone is out. This will give me a chance to acclimate to being home and clean up some before more awkward hugs are given.

"Oh, here, before I forget." Dwight takes a satchel from his pocket. "Found these out on a run we did. This one is from the Library of Congress." He holds the gear out for me to inspect.

"You motherfucker," Negan grumbles, taking himself inside.

"Thank you, Dwight. This is considerably thoughtful."

"Guess it just kinda gave me hope that you were still out there."

I'm given another unnecessary display of affection before I'm left alone. I make myself somewhat presentable before I stand at the foot of Charli's grave. Under her name on the stone Negan has taken the liberty of writing 'aka loser'. It makes my eyes well up because she was never happier than the chances she was given to insult someone with language I didn't approve of. "Do you remember when we were younger and you asked me if I could imagine a male version of you? I think we can both agree that it's Negan. Sometimes it's like you never departed this life, but the painful reality is that you have. I hope that I've become a woman you are proud of. Thank you for showing me what it means to have compassion, and what it means to love."

_Bye, you catatonic know-it-all._

"Farewell, you ill-mannered dummy."

* * *

**A/N I just want to say thanks to everyone who has made it this far in the story. I know my fic is pretty long-winded. There's going to be about another 12-15 chapters, so the madness isn't over just yet. Please feel free to leave a review! It's always appreciated!**


	22. Chapter 22

_How can I gain your trust again? How can I make you believe again? - Andreas Dörner_

* * *

"Oh, yeah," I moan. "Fuck me, yes! Yeah, fuck." My hands are pressed to the wall as the water runs down my back. I will never take a shower for granted again. I've washed every inch at least three times. My face is smooth again, among other things. I'm so fucking starved for fresh food, but I don't want to move out from the water. Wait a second.. she owes me titties. I flip off the shower, half ass drying myself as water drips on the bathroom floor and across the parlor. "Titty Tuesday," I exclaim, barreling through the door and dropping my towel to the floor. "Aww, no!"

She's asleep in a little ball.

Yeah, I'm disappointed as fuck, but what's another day? At least we're fucking home. I'm not doing fuck all the rest of the evening, and lock my bedroom door. I scoot her over just a bit since she can't seem to choose a side in the bed like a normal personal.

"Stop it," she groans, forming her ball again.

I laugh because she's even bitchy in her sleep.

* * *

"You groomed!"

"Well, fuck you, I wasn't **that** dirty."

Her fingertips graze my cheeks. "I enjoy it smooth." She continues to rub my face.

"You're kinda freaking me out a bit."

"It's not my intention to come off that strong. I am just pleased that things have returned to the way they once were."

"That didn't mean stop!" I bring her hands back. "You know I like the freaky shit. Oh, I shaved something else." I situate my pants down some. "Like it? Looks bigger now, huh?"

Alice gets to her knees. "I want something from you."

"I'll do fucking anything," I moan when I hit the back of her throat. My hips move in rhythm with her. I curl my arm around the wooden bedpost to steady myself. "Oh, fucking fuck, yes!" Her request doesn't come until after I do. I sink back on the bed, my feet stretched out.

She even assists with situating me back in my pants. "I'm going to read today, and you will accompany me. In silence."

"No. I got shit to take care of today. We've been gone for months."

"This is not up for debate."

"Well, may I at least drink?"

"Yes, you may."

I guess it ain't too bad. It's a waste of fucking time if you ask me. Maybe I'll just catch up on some sleep. Damn, she looks good. She's not wearing that fucking uniform. "This you being clingy? Or you just trying to see how far you can get busting my balls."

"I don't understand your question. Clingy usually implies some type of physical contact. Your location in the room makes no difference to me."

"So, it's busting my balls. Gotcha."

"Where are you going?"

"To go get inventory."

"No. You may not leave this room."

"Okay, this is getting a little fucking ridiculous."

"Your silence also starts now."

Negan, you are such a little bitch.

...

I take in a deep breath, lazily opening my eyes. Jesus Christ, that was the best sleep of my fucking life. I roll over on my back as my jaw stretches open. The room is cool and the warm sunlight pokes in through the curtain hitting my side. I let out a breath through my nose before stretching. Alright, I fucking get it now. After the last few months of being gone, this is exactly what I needed. What we needed. My attention turns to Lucille on my end table. Ugh, she's is a goddamn mess. I grunt displeased when I break off a splintered piece of her. That ain't fucking good.

"You should rub her with linseed oil."

"That might be the hottest thing to ever leave your mouth."

She doesn't share my enthusiasm.

"What is linseed oil?"

"It aids as a lubricant and protector."

Lucille slips from my hands. I'm about to get the holy fuckedy slapped out of my dumb ass. Right on schedule I feel the sting of her hands when some filthy fuckery leaves my mouth.

"Disgusting!"

"Well.. can you blame me? Talking about lubing her up? Fuck!"

"You should be thankful your mouth is as equally charismatic as it is vulgar because it's your only saving grace."

"I thought it was my ass in these tight jeans?"

Her attention goes back to her book.

"I can do other things with my mouth." I inch up the fabric of her dress, pressing my lips to some pastel colored pair of panties.

Her heel digs into my shoulder.

"Ow," I wince, dropping my shoulder some to keep the wood from ripping too much of my flesh. She'd fucking like that though. Bloody under her heel. Jesus, it's even turning me on. "Please?"

"I dislike your mouth there."

"May I put it somewhere else?"

She shows me how much of her book she has left.

I throw myself onto the floor. She'd rather me suffer.

* * *

"Oh, Jesus, no," I gripe when Joanna and Nicole dog pile on top of me. "Ow, my fucking balls, watch your knees!"

Joanna's arms are wrapped tight around my head. "You're home," she screeches in my ear.

"Negan," Sherry cries, running over to the lounge and joining the other two.

"Watch my fucking balls!" I move someone's heel from my groin.

"Where's Alice?" Joanna wipes the lipstick from my cheek.

"Shit, I don't know. I'm not her keeper."

"Aww, we missed your grumpy ass," Nicole laughs.

"I couldn't tell." One of Joanna's legs are actually wrapped around me. They wanted to know everything, and I know the faster I get it over with, the sooner I'll get my space back.

"That's like 200 miles away."

"No shit."

"Can we do anything?"

"You can let go of me. Come on now, this shit is getting a little ridiculous." I don't even let Alice latch on to me like this. Not that she would.

Sherry watches the other girls leave, then gives me another hug.

I heave a heavy sigh before putting one of my arms around her.

"I thought you were dead!"

"I'm not."

"Negan, please stop belittling our concerns. We were worried."

"Concern is one thing, Sherry, but I've always made it clear where I've stood on this touchy feely bullshit."

"Whatever, deal with it. Shit has been rough while you were away."

I don't even want to know what is fucked up because this inventory list is fucking pathetic, or shit isn't being properly logged. Neither would surprise me. "How are you feeling?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"You're not sleeping at night, I can tell."

"I'm in so much pain. Winter kept us inside, so I wasn't able to work in the garden. You weren't here to make a mess so I didn't have anyone to clean up after, which meant I spent a lot of days in bed."

"We gotta figure out something."

"I missed you."

"Don't change the subject."

"Can't you just admit that maybe you missed us, too?"

"Sherry, of course I did. Why do you need constant validation about my feelings and shit? You know all it does is get me riled up, and then we argue, and don't talk for days."

"I don't know. I guess I thought things would be different. That maybe being with Alice would make you kinda soft."

"I'm never soft around Alice."

Sherry slugs me.

"What? That's a compliment! Wish I could get her to cream her panties every time I walked into the room."

"You know what I mean!"

I pull Sherry in my arms, and in the most dramatic way, describe how I can't live without her.

"Stop," she laughs.

This is what she wants, and I lay it on thick. I'll make her sorry she ever asked.

"I'm sorry I asked! You're heavy, get off me!"

"Sherry, oh, Sherry! It was horrible!"

"Negan," she yells.

"I was forced to eat the most vile things, sleep in the poorest conditions! The things I had to wipe my ass with, I won't even recall them! It's too atrocious!" I throw myself back against the lounge. "No Savior leader should be forced to do the things I had to do!"

"You are a fucking idiot."

The parlor door slams a little more forceful than it should. Alice is rooted in place. It's rather inelegant for her. She lets out a grunt of disapproval at Sherry's comment.

I like how defensive Alice gets every time someone calls me an idiot.

"Insolent at times, yes, but Negan surpasses most in intellect."

Sherry isn't often nervous, but I think Alice has always made her a bit uncomfortable. "I was just poking fun at him. How have you been?"

"Fine," Alice replies caustic.

I can't help but have a bit of a snark expression.

"I'm sorry, you're right. Negan, you're not an idiot," Sherry apologizes.

Alice's mood immediately improves as she continues towards her nook.

"Ugh, she hates me."

"Alice doesn't use the word hate. It's dislike."

"Negan, you know what I fucking mean."

"Oh, lighten the fuck up, will you? She's just defending her man and shit."

"I should talk to her."

"Leave her alone."

Alice appears, pressing a book to Sherry's shoulder. "I acquired this for you while we were gone, Sherry."

"Oh," Sherry gasps. "Really?"

"Yes. Dwight informed me you were searching for this particular one."

"I have, I- well, I was about to give up."

I lean over becoming nosey. 'As I Lay Dying'. Boring.

"Thank you so much, Alice."

Alice nods, leaving for the restroom.

That reminds me. I still need to give Alice 'The Time Machine'. I'm just waiting for the right moment. "See? I fucking told you."

"I don't really know how to take her sometimes."

"You and me fucking both."

...

A creak in the floor pulls me away from inventory. I look over by the door but there's no one there.

"Negan," Kid says.

"Fuck," I yell. "Where the fuck did you come from?"

"From the hallway."

I roll my fucking eyes. "I see you've been hanging around Alice."

"Is she sleeping?"

"She's in the bathroom."

Kid goes to the door, but waits patiently outside it instead of knocking.

"Go inside, dork," I laugh.

"Sir!" Carson stands nervously at the parlor doors.

"Call a meeting. This shit is fucked." I wave the inventory list at him. What is he looking at? "Oh, god, you're not going to hug me, too, are you?"

"N-no." He adjusts his glasses. "Just happy you're back."

...

I look around a bit relieved to see everyone still alive. There's also several new faces. Some shady as fuck, but I'd like to think the others explained the rules. "We've got to pull it the fuck together, Saviors. This is unacceptable." I drop the inventory list on the table. "Kid will lead a team to hunt. Connor will lead a scavenging run. Mark will lead one to get water. The rest of you, find some shit that needs to be done. Marshall, Alice, Cosworth, and Dwight, we're going to Arlington to scout for those panels."

"Th- that's it?" Molly looks around the table at the others. "You've been gone like three months, and that's all you have to say?"

I press my hands to the table and lean over it some. "I'm sorry, should we all hold tits and dicks and sing kumb-fucking-aya? What the **fuck** went on while I was away? We have a fucking greenhouse that was completely neglected! The water tanks are empty and we're half way through the reserve tank. If you people can't do your goddamn jobs without me harping over you, maybe I need to rethink your positions. This shit is fucking ridiculous! And you want to act like I was out there on vacation!?" I crumble the page of inventory and chunk it at her head. "Get to work! **Now** ," I bellow.

She swallows hard as her cheeks flush a bright red before she scampers off.

The others leave with the same sense of urgency.

I'd yell at my Lieutenants, but something tells me they're the only reason this place hasn't completely fallen. I think it's a little ri-goddamn-diculous that grown ass people can't work together to thrive. Instead, it's a fucking free for all.

Alice is by my side, her blank stare giving nothing away.

"You think I was too harsh on them?"

"When the cat's away, the mice will play."

I give her a breathed laugh.

"I will get my maps and prepare for the journey to Arlington."

I'm counting on her. Sanctuary has to become a place where we can prosper. I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my men. We've been going at this for far too long to be scraping the bottom of the barrel.

* * *

I don't usually allow my men in the parlor, but I don't want to cause panic by ears overhearing us. "There's far too much debris to get those solar panels back here. Does anyone have any fucking ideas?"

"We could unstack them and load them into a smaller truck that we can fit through there easier," Dwight suggests.

"I do not want to unstack that shit. Think of something else."

Connor gets a malicious look on his face. "Syndicate use explosives. What if we just clear us a path with explosives?"

"As much as I want to blow some shit up, that's not the kind of attention I want to attract. From both the dead and the living."

"So then we just clear the cars off the highway."

"You're suggesting clearing an interstate that was formally an evacuation route?" Alice shakes her head.

Connor rolls his eyes disgusted. "How do you even fucking know this shit? I swear to Christ, you're like an encyclopedia of useless knowledge."

"Connor, I will come over this coffee table and knock your fucking teeth in," I growl.

"Yeah? Well at least I have fucking ideas. If she's so goddamn smart, let's hear what the mute fuck has to say."

"Your insult is as ineffective as your ideas. There is a facility outside of Baltimore with armored vehicles used to transport money. It has bullet resistant glass and reinforced steel that withstands extreme heat that makes it an ideal vehicle for more than the retrieval of the panels. The engines are diesel, so it will not be an issue using the biodiesel. We should weld a cowcatcher on the front of the armored vehicles to clear. I don't believe the bullbar will withstand the impact from the numerous vehicles, though that is strictly my opinion."

"What-the-fuck-ever, stupid cunt," Connor mumbles, slamming the parlor door behind him.

"That's the plan. Be ready by sun up."

* * *

"Alice?" I feel in the bed as my eyes adjust to the light. It's fucking annoying how early of a riser she is. She's already done with breakfast by the time I'm just getting out of bed. My men have gathered in the courtyard.

Connor's left eye is bloody, bruised, and swollen. He hurries to the truck when Alice comes outside.

She presses her lips into a thin line.

"I swear to god it was like that when he woke up. Musta fell out of bed or some shit."

"It's unnecessary to assault everyone who calls me names, though I appreciate it."

"You should talk. I saw how defensive and shit you got when Sherry called me dumb. Do I get like a treat or anything for defending your honor and shit?"

"Yes, I will reward you when we return."

"Hurry the fuck up," I shout.

* * *

"Wanna give me shower head," I smirk. "We haven't done that yet. Alice?" I open my eyes to find her spot in the bed empty. Alright, I've had enough of this shit, and it's time I put a stop to it. I lazily get dressed, throwing on my thermal long sleeved shirt inside out, and step into my boots before I head down stairs. I find her sitting with Sherry, eating. "Sherry, give us a minute."

"I don't think I've ever seen your hair messy."

"Now," I snap.

"Alright," she frowns, leaving us.

"Why do you want to sleep together?"

"That's why you rudely dismissed Sherry?"

"I'm dead fucking serious right now."

Alice looks my shirt over a bit, then notices my jeans sticking half way in my boots. "I feel safe. It's comforting having you by my side."

"Those are the exact reasons I didn't want to sleep with you. I can't fucking protect you knowing I'm asleep. While you feel comforted, I'm a goddamn wreck. What if someone fucking shoots me and takes you?"

"In no way am I trying to belittle your concern, but that is an unlikely scenario."

"One night, I fell asleep outside my mom's door. I woke up to the sound of a gunshot. If he wasn't so goddamn drunk, he would have shot her. Let me fucking assure you right motherfucking now that is a very likely goddamn scenario."

Her eyes overflow with tears.

I rest my hand on her thigh. "I know that I have all these rules, but I instill them for a reason. It's not because I'm afraid of commitment. It's because when I let my guard down, people get hurt. You know this because it happened to you. Some motherfucker trying to get under my skin and who paid for it? You."

"We don't have to sleep together anymore, I apologize."

"No. Listen to me. The point I'm getting at is I don't want to wake up to an empty goddamn bed. **Ever**. Wondering if you're okay or if someone fucking took you from me. I've tried to drop little hints, now I'm demanding it. You will not leave that bed unless you tell me first. Do you understand me?"

"Yes."

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Get back upstairs and try it again."

"I've already started my day."

"Start it a-fucking-gain."

She heaves a heavy sigh and thrusts herself away from the table. "Fine."

I only do it because it irritates her. We love any chance we get to assert dominance over the other.

* * *

Finding the trucks and getting them back was the easy part. Now the cowcatchers? Jesus Christ. We were lucky to have a bunch of steel at our disposal, but it takes several days just to build them. Welding them on is an even bigger joke, but it's a goddamn good idea. Even better of an idea when we get to test the shit out because we are all like little boys, clearing the streets.

Cosworth built us a hydraulic device that raises and lowers the cowcatcher, as well as gun mounts on the tops of the trucks that can be operated from inside. That isn't the only thing.

"Fire in the hole," I shout, hurling the explosive out of the truck. That boy is a fucking genius! Bring these Syndicate fucks on.

* * *

All my men are eager to help out with this one, but I am very selective on whom I choose. "We need muscle and brains for this one. Alice is going to explain everything."

"Dwight will drive the semi with the panels and Bryan will accompany him. Three drivers per armored vehicle. Vasquez, Cosworth, and Hawkes. Connor, James, and Marshall. Kuzma, Negan, and myself. As we surveyed, the road is littered with debris. Form a V with Dwight's truck protected inside. In the event a vehicle is lost, the remaining vehicles will clear side by side."

"I want a fuckload of fucking ammunition. We might as well have a target on our backs hauling those solar panels. Radios on channel 3. Get some sleep because tomorrow is going to be hell."

...

My jaw almost hits the floor. "The fuck are you wearin- holy fucking legs."

Alice looks up from her book. "I wanted to wear different attire."

"I didn't know they made shorts that fucking short."

"They're not that short."

"Are you kidding? I can see your kidneys."

She flushes, tugging on the shorts to make them longer.

I snicker, running my hands along her inner thighs. "May I see your tits now?"

"You may."

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I hurry over to the couch, getting comfortable.

She stands at my feet for a moment before she starts to unbutton her shorts.

Yes! I shut my filthy fucking mouth because she has this confidence about her right now that is rare and I don't want to do anything to fuck it up. I catch her shorts, helping her out of them. The anticipation alone is knotting my stomach. Her shirt puddles next to her shorts. For as reserve as she is, she has the sexiest lingerie I have ever seen. Maybe it's because I'm not used to lace and sheer. Pastels and whites. My little sophisticated fuck. She's groomed, too. I press my lips to bare skin before moving her on my lap. Her confidence is starting to diminish, so I pull myself from my pants to show her how turned on I am. I want to rip that fucking bra from her, but I know I have to let her take it off.

She's stalling as she works her fist up and down.

I'm not complaining, but I want titties! She does like my physique as she's told me, so I remove my shirt.

Her eyes trail across my chest, and up my left arm. Nails penetrate the flesh.

If I add up the nails scars from her, there's seven. I eagerly wait for some on my neck. Whenever she catches me looking them over in the mirror, I often see remorse. She says she doesn't like messing with a canvas of perfection. I love each one because it's a reminder I belong to her. A stigma I'm not ashamed to have.

The open window casts a light against her skin. She reaches behind her to unhook the bra. The fabric is taken away, set to the side.

It's another time I'm speechless. Even though they're right there, I hover my hands over them, waiting for her approval to touch.

She guides my hands against them.

I see why she's self-conscious. The mutilation done by the others. It fucks with me, but I can't show it or she'll never be this vulnerable in front of me again. My lips press against her skin. She enjoys it, and it's a relief.

She lifts up, accommodating my length with a whimper.

Goddamn, think of something else before you explode. Damn, I really need to start using protection before something stupid happens. My eyes roll back in my head as she continues to ride me. "Yeah, Alice," I moan, grabbing her by the shoulder.

She takes my right hand and sucks on my index finger nice and slow. The only time she stops is to drag her tongue along it instead.

I end up coming watching her fuck my finger. "Oh, shit," I yell, quickly pulling out of her. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

"What's wrong?"

"I'm a fucking idiot!"

Alice looks down at my lap. "Conception with me is not something you should concern yourself with."

"What? Wait!" I chase after her.

She flips on the shower.

"Why didn't you tell me you couldn't have kids?"

"You wouldn't have a reason to," she flushes, "pull ou-"

"This is fucking awesome!" I shut off the shower. "Come on!" I snatch her wrist.

"No," she whimpers, pulling her hand away.

"I wish I would have known I could blow my load-"

"I don't want to be something you empty into! You're not taking advantage of it," she cries, dropping to her knees. "Don't touch me!"

"I didn't mean to upset you!"

"I said don't touch me!"

"Okay, I'm sorry," I frown.

"I tell you I can't conceive and your only thought is how quickly you can get me on my back. This is worse than all the lewd things you've said to me combined! I spare you from the agony of thinking I'm going to bear your children only for you to insult me. Aren't you lucky I'm broken?"

"Ali-"

"Get out," she screams.

I have never seen her this angry before and trip twice as I hurry from the bathroom.

"You selfish prick," she yells, slamming the door.

"No," I whine, pressing my hands to the wood. "Alice!" This must have to do with that surgery she wrote about in her journal.

_Aren't you lucky I'm broken?_

Her words fucking sting. I am a prick. "Alice.."

...

She's almost used the entire bar of soap as she continues to wash herself.

I wrap my hand around hers and the soap. "Alice, stop, you're going to scrub yourself raw." I have never felt more remorseful about anything in my life.

"I'm unable to get myself clean," she sobs.

It's even worse because I realize the majority of her anger isn't directed at me. She's having flashbacks to those men. I hate myself for doing this to her. It brings tears to my eyes watching her like this. "I'm so fucking sorry," I choke.

Her teeth chatter as her bloodshot eyes continue to spill tears.

I don't know what to do. If I take that goddamn bar from her, we're going to have another lake episode again, but she's hurting herself. She's not yelling at me to get out, so I stay by her side. I feel like I've ruined her ability to be open with me about anything.

She won't even look at me after this nightmare finally fucking ends. Another hour and a bar of soap later. She moans in pain when I dry certain parts of her off.

I carry her into the bedroom so her feet don't touch the floor and we have another episode. I don't understand her reasoning for that, but I'm sure it has to do with those men. "Here." I set some clothes on the bed.

She doesn't thank or even acknowledge me. The clothes are left untouched and she lays down in the bed, her back to me.

Shit. I don't know how to fix this.

* * *

Alice doesn't speak a word about last night. She quietly dresses and leaves.

Last night was fucking horrible. She's back to her nightmares again. Goddammit, just when I thought we were done with this shit. Neither of us slept worth a damn. Today will be exhausting even with a full night's sleep. I don't know how either of us will make it through. She is vital to us making it back from Arlington. When I get down stairs, she's going over her maps with Dwight, Marshall, and Hawkes. Her ability to shut off emotion to get a job done is commending because my head is a fucking wreck. I don't like leaving Sanctuary after something like last night. What if something happens to one of us?

"Alice," Kid calls. "May I come, too?"

"No."

"Why?"

"The teams are decided."

"Please, I won't slow you down."

"No. Return to your job."

"Alice, plea-"

" **No**."

Kid has tears streaming down her face when she runs past me.

I'd bring her, but Alice is right. This isn't a scavenging mission. She'll just get in the way.

"Sir," Alice's voice calls up at me.

"I know she'd call me Sir even if last night didn't happen, but her words are empty." I lean in to kiss her, not caring if anyone looks.

She slaps me across the face.

"Alice, don't fucking push me away, please, I can't handle that again."

She shoves a map into me, then starts for the trucks.

...

The ride there is awkward as shit.

Alice hasn't uttered a word.

Kuzma is humming to himself.

The only other sound is Dog chewing on a deer bone. Where did that fucking dog even get a bone from? It's going to end up having the shits. The halting sounds of the breaks is a welcome relief out of this hell. I make sure everyone is clear on what we need to do because this can't be an all-day operation. "Will you talk to me?"

"Leave me alone."

"Come on, Alice. You gonna fucking stay mad at me for the rest of the trip?"

"Do **not** swear at me."

I knew I fucked up when she said that. Alice has always detested my mouth, but she's never told me not to swear. When I grab her shoulder, she flings it away. "Talk to me! It's fucking dangerous out here. Don't let your pride get-"

"Your mouth is the issue, not my pride. The current situation will not dictate my feelings towards the fact you hurt me. You're sorry? Convenient. Enjoy pleasuring yourself because it is going to be a substantial amount of time until you enter me again. **If** I ever allow it."

I don't even know what to say. Did I fuck things up that badly?

"You seem confused. Shall I simplify things for you?"

Something in me just fucking snapped. "Fuck you, Alice."

"You may not."

I break my goddamn knuckle punching the reinforced steel on the truck. "I'm all out of empathy for you, Alice, and that's a dangerous goddamn thing."

"Threatening me now?"

"No, we're through. Fucking dick," I snarl, leaving her by herself.

Marshall's eyebrow peaks at my bloody hand.

I pull my gloves from my pocket, slipping them on. "Get to a vantage point. Eyes on us at all times. We don't know what's around here."

"There are fucking vehicles everywhere." Dwight skims the horizon. "Vehicles that weren't here the first time."

"I'll scout ahead," Connor says.

I yank him back. "No motherfucking way." I've seen those vehicles before. Syndicate.

Hawkes shakes his head in disbelief. "Shit, it's them."

Marshall raises his rifle. "I count fourteen."

"What are they doing?"

"They're forming some weird line, side by side, but left a space in the middle of the line. They know we're here."

"Those solar panels are ours, and I'll be goddamned if we're losing them. I want all these psychotic fucks fucking dead as fuck. Don't underestimate them because they don't value their lives. Keep them back with ranged attacks so we don't get a fucking grenade hurled our way."

"Negan," Marshall calls, handing me his rifle.

I hoist the rifle up, looking through the scope. The space in the middle of their line has been filled. "Shit! Fuck!" My brow furrows as my attention turns to Alice.

"Why are you staring at me with such intensity?"

I gesture the rifle at her.

She peeks through the scope. "No!"

Kuzma grabs Alice by the back of the vest, shaking his head side to side when she tries to run for the Syndicate.

"Kid," Alice whimpers.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N This chapter is violent as Negan is pushed to his breaking point several times. There's also scenes that deal with sensitive subjects close to the end.**

* * *

_You mistake my choice not to feel as a reflection of my not caring. Well, I assure you, the truth is precisely the opposite. - Spock_

* * *

"The child is of no significance to us." He presses his gun to Kid's head.

"Take me," Alice screams.

"Patience. You'll all being joining her. Sniper, put down your gun."

Marshall eases his rifle to the ground.

"We want the Officer's first. Any resistance, everyone shall perish sooner than planned."

"Take care of your sister," Hawkes tells Cosworth.

Vasquez takes Alice by the hand as the two walk behind Hawkes.

Dog whimpers, pacing back and forth at Kuzma's feet.

My eyes follow Alice down the hill. I fucking told you this was going to happen.

My men are taken to the ground, and their hands are forced behind them, bound with zip ties.

One of the Syndicate cocks his head and reaches down to pull some of Vasquez's face mask up. "It's the BOPE member that escaped." He kicks Vasquez in the face.

"No," Alice begs, sitting up off the ground.

She's shot in the chest three times.

"Alice," I scream.

Kuzma drops to his knees. "Nyet, Alice," he yells.

It takes every one of my men to restrain me. Even Dog as he pulls on my boot.

Another member takes his machete out and lops off the man's hand for wasting bullets. "Put the girl in the truck, along with the others. We need to get her back before she reanimates. Chain her just in case you don't make it back in enough time."

"And the child?"

He shoves Kid towards the others. "She looks strong enough to go through the testing process."

"Alice," Kid sobs as her cries fill the truck.

"Negan," Dwight panics.

Never did I think we'd be fucking ambushed before we even got the panels. All of our preparations have been for the ride back. If Vasquez escaped, maybe we could too and at least know where their base is. I look over at the man who murdered Alice.

He's slumped against the truck trying to cauterize his own wound while the others kick his hand around.

I'm not usually taken over with emotion, but all I want to fucking do is charge down there like a goddamn madman, and if it gets me killed, so motherfucking be it, but I know that getting killed won't help my men.

The Syndicate reform their line as one member strays to get in the truck to take the others away.

Despite them taking his father, Cosworth is oddly calm.

"Bow tie, you're next," the newly appointed Syndicate leader orders. "Start a lin-"

"No, thank you," Cosworth interrupts him, pressing his thumb to a small device in his hand.

It sets off an explosion in the ground, launching two Syndicate members in the air, and another ones lower half is severed completely. It flips the truck that's driving away as it slides across the pavement on its side.

"Marshall," I scream.

"Already ahead of you." He starts picking the men off with his rifle as the rest of us drop to the ground to avoid the spray of bullets from return fire.

"Here." Cosworth hands me and Kuzma some type of explosion. "Make your barbaric strength useful."

I hurl the fuck-plosive their way. I don't even wait for it to detonate before I start down the hill. Debris and dirt fly in every direction. The member who shot Alice manages to get a round off before I tackle him to the ground. It hits my forearm, but I don't even feel it with all the adrenaline. I'm going to make this cocksucker suffer. He's actually one tough motherfucker to kill, even with one goddamn arm. I counter his machete with my knife, thrusting my palm up to disfigure his nose.

He hiccups blood with an amused laugh. "She was important to you? Your mate?"

I rear to my full height before leveling him against the pavement. He pulls the pin from the grenade with his teeth right as I snap his neck. I shove the grenade under him so he acts as a human meat shield. I'm barely on my feet before I'm knocked to the ground again. A loud ringing is the only sound I can hear as I become disoriented from the explosion. While he absorbed most of it, there's bits of shrapnel all over my body. My right ear drum is ruptured as blood leaks from it. No major arteries are hit, thankfully. My men are in bad shape, but what we do to them is far worse.

Dog savagely mauls one of the Syndicate's stomachs, ripping the intestines from him.

One of the Syndicate stabs Kuzma. The blade goes all the way in the top of his hand and out of his palm.

Kuzma uses it to his advantage by lodging the knife into the Syndicate's throat when he grabs him by it.

Marshall has been able to pick off several of their members.

Dwight grabs me by the lapels of my jacket. He's screaming, but I can't make it out. He turns my face and points to Bryan helping Alice from the truck.

I take in a quick breath.

She had her bulletproof vest on.

My hearing comes back just in time for one more explosion. "Goddammit!"

"Fucking cunts," Connor yells, emptying his clip into one of them before collapsing to the earth from his injuries.

I'm showered with blood when Marshall snipes another member I didn't know was near me. I let out a breath and get to my feet as pain radiates throughout my body.

"What happened?" Hawkes searches for his son.

I start to tie my bandana around my forearm to halt some of the bleeding. "Your boy saved our asses."

Cosworth shrugs. "I had no way of anticipating their location, so I just planted a few in the ground. It was dumb luck, and even dumber luck they worked."

Kuzma lets out a grunt as Alice removes the knife.

Kid clings to Alice's pants leg and holds up a ripped piece of cloth from one of the Syndicate's shirts for Kuzma's bleeding.

Marshall, Kid, Cosworth, Hawkes, and Dwight are the only one's not injured.

James, Dog, and Bryan are limping, but don't have life threatening injuries like Connor and Kuzma do.

Despite Vasquez having a broken arm from when the truck flipped, he's still clearing the undead that the sounds of the explosions attracted.

"Dwight, Bryan, you'll drive the semi truck with the panels like planned. James, go with Marshall. Alice, Kuzma, Vasquez, and Connor, go with Hawkes. Alice, see if you can make a splint for Vasquez's arm, and patch up Connor or he'll bleed out before we make it home."

Kuzma slings Connor over his shoulder despite his own injuries.

"Ow, you gigantic fuck," Connor moans.

Kuzma mumbles something in Russian as Vasquez snickers.

"Kid, come on. Cosworth, you're driving."

Kid collects a few weapons from the Syndicate trucks while the rest of us load up.

"Am I really the best man for this job?"

"Not a lot of fucking choices right now. Keep your foot on the gas, and get us the fuck out of here. Kid," I yell.

"I'm here!"

I flip on my radio. "Marshall, Hawkes, get in formation. As soon as Dwight's in your mirrors, clear a path. Over."

"Yes, Sir."

"In position and waiting."

"Negan, I found these." Kid puts a bag of grenades at my feet.

"Good work. Get buckled in."

"Negan, it's Dwight. There's dirt bikes behind me."

"Fuck! Here." I set one of those Kevlar helmets on Kid's head. "Buckle that shit up." I'm already in enough trouble with Alice.

"What do I do?" Cosworth and Kid ask in unison.

"You stay alive. And you fucking drive. I got this shit." More like I'm full of shit.

The Syndicate were not fucking around, and we got proof of that when Marshall's truck flips from a grenade.

"Turn around?"

I grab the wheel and cut a hard left, clipping one of the Syndicate members. "Good fucking riddance. Go back for Marshall." I try to radio Marshall's truck but there's no response.

James is unconscious in the truck when we make it back to them.

Marshall's crawled out from the wreckage, holding his dislocated shoulder. Both have lost a substantial amount of blood.

Alice presses her hand to Marshall's side where metal has pierced it.

"I'm okay, Ms. Alice. Tend to James." Marshall props himself up against the truck, spitting blood on the concrete.

"I require assistance," Alice shouts.

I pull James from the truck, putting him in Hawkes' truck.

"Come out single file, or we will open fire," the Syndicate demand.

I look around at my injured men knowing we can't fight them. "Go. I'll stay behind."

"No." Hawkes gets his rifle, and the bag of guns and grenades Kid collected. "I'll stay behind."

"Out of the fucking quest-"

"Go. I'm the only one not injured. Makes sense."

"But... dad... I... I can't save you this time," Cosworth stammers.

"I know. I love you."

"I love.. you, too."

I shake his hand. We know this is goodbye, and it's a shit solution that one of my men sacrifice himself.

Marshall digs in his pocket and gestures his pack of smokes at Hawkes before the two shake hands.

A grenade is tossed in one of the abandon trucks close by. "Your response is required."

"I'll give 'em a response. See you on the other side, boys," Hawkes smirks, reloading his rifle.

"Vasquez, go with Cosworth. I'll drive Hawkes' truck. Kid, come on."

I don't feel right leaving Hawkes, but he's so goddamn persistent. Maybe it's a personal vendetta of his since the Syndicate killed his wife. Either way, his sacrificed put us in the clear. For now. My men are struggling to stay alive. With every impact the truck took to clear the road, they felt it.

Alice tries to guide me in the direction we need to go, but my men need her full attention.

"Kid, take the map." I point to the location of Sanctuary.

"I don't know how to use this thing!"

"Tell me which way the yellow road goes!"

"Left!"

"Right," Alice corrects her.

"Oh, yeah. Right!"

We barely make the turn.

"Let me navigate," Alice shouts.

"No! I can do this. Let me do this, Alice. I want to be useful!"

"Right is your dominant hand. Use them to help determine your direction," Alice tells her.

Kid holds her right hand up. "R- right!"

"Jesus Christ," I grumble, cutting the wheel. "Dwight, do you see any vehicle's in your rear view? Over."

"No, just several big ass explosions."

I toss the radio on the dashboard. "Fuck."

Kid sets the map on her lap. "Is Hawkes okay?"

"No," I murmur. "Which way at the split?"

"Left."

"M- Marshall?" Alice stammers, shaking him.

I look over my shoulder. "No," I yell, pressing my foot to the floor.

"Slow down," Kid panics. "R-right!"

"Marshall needs medical attention immediately, or he will perish."

"Where the fuck are we?" I snatch the map from Kid, then turn left.

"I- I'm sorry," she frowns. "I told you I didn't know how to use it."

I drop the map and reach across the dashboard. "Dwight, Cosworth, we're going to take a little detour." Navigating out of DC is just one more fucking nightmare. You add abandon vehicles and decaying roads, it's a fuck show and I'm grateful to leave it behind. Time to see if the welding job I did on these cowcatchers are worth a damn. At this point, I wasn't even worried about the goddamn solar panels. I will not lose Connor or Marshall, and in some weird way, that big fuck Kuzma.

"I know this place," Kid says. "We're almost home!"

"We are?" I pick the map up off the floor. "This ain't fucking right at all."

"Negan," Kid shrills, covering her eyes.

I peer up from the map only to plow right into the fence on the east side of Sanctuary. "Holy dicks!" The truck comes to a complete stop as the front of the cowcatcher is flush against Sanctuary. "Jesus fucking Christ!"

"Kid, go get assistance," Alice orders her. She looks down at Marshall and rubs his bloody head. "We're home," she smiles.

I lean my head back against the seat and let out a deep breath. Home.

...

I brood over Alice clinging to Kuzma as Harlan stitches up his hand. After the bullet is pulled from my arm, I move Nicole away and leave the infirmary. Marshall and Connor are both stable, but James is still unconscious. I take one of the extra bikes we have and ride to the area where we left Hawkes. His bloody gun is all I find. I use one of the Syndicates belts to strap the gun to my bike. I decide to take Alice's idea from when we were in Pennsylvania, and sleep in one of the truck campers in hopes that he will turn up in the middle of the night.

He doesn't.

I try to convince myself to stick around ten more minutes, thirty more minutes. He'll show up.

He doesn't.

"Fuck!" There are limbs fucking everywhere. Innards are splattered on the sides of vehicles. I don't even have a corpse to bring back for Cosworth and Clara to bury.

* * *

Marshall is standing by the guard tower when I get back. I glance over at him and shake my head.

"I went out looking for him, too. Didn't find anything."

Hawkes' death is hard for me. Loyalty like he had is hard to come by, and he is the only reason we made it out alive. The Syndicate's organization is impressive, but it's equally terrifying.

Marshall takes it even harder as the two were good friends. "Everyone I get close to dies," he says choked up.

"Don't," I beg, gripping his shoulder.

He grits his teeth, dropping his shoulder some from his injuries.

"Sorry. I forgot. Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah, Kuzma and Connor both left the infirmary this morning. Harlan wants James to stay another night. We were lucky, Negan."

"We were outnumbered, and caught off guard." I know neither are an excuse.

"We're always going to be outnumbered. We need more people."

"I'm hesitant about bringing people in. Look at those fucks you all brought in while I was gone. I don't trust them."

"They're pretty rough, but they'll be a good asset against the Syndicate. Expendable, at least," he snickers.

If we ever find them. "Hey, where's Olivia? I haven't seen her since I've been back."

"She left me, went back to the Safe-Zone."

"Gonna have to find you another fire crotch."

"I'm staying single, and I'm fine with it."

"Bullshit."

"What do you want me to say?" He shrugs. "After Jennifer died, every 'I love you' is empty. I won't find what I had with her, and it wasn't fair to Olivia. After everything you went through with Lucille, I wish I could find something like you have with Alice, but I'm not."

"That's not really a good comparison considering Alice and me aren't together anymore."

"I don't need you to make me feel better. I told you I'm fine with it."

"I don't have a reason to lie to you."

"That's a damn shame. Don't you think you should try to work things out?"

"No."

"Fair enough." He puts his cigarette out with his boot. "I'm going to go talk to Cosworth and Clara about Hawkes."

"Yeah," I sigh.

...

"Alice, I want to-" The fuck is he doing in my home? "-talk."

Alice hands Kuzma another bag.

Kuzma whistles for Dog to come out of Alice's nook as the two leave the parlor.

"You moving in with him?"

Alice seems surprised to see me. Like I've ruined her getaway plans.

"Guess it's none of my business anymore. Do you need any help?"

She hoists her bag up some, shaking her head no.

I don't know what else to fucking say.

She takes my silence as an opportunity to leave.

My eyes follow her from the parlor, until the doors close completely behind her. I sink my hands into my pockets and hang my head. "Bye," I murmur. I thought admitting the separation to Marshall made it real. Now it's real.

* * *

I move my head some off the pillow. "Alice?" I sit up abruptly, then remember what all went down yesterday. Shit, I thought this would blow over. That she'd come crawling back. Yeah fucking right. I'm surprised she put up with my dumbass for as long as she did. I can't get my fucking act together this morning, and Sherry's twenty questions are ruining my appetite.

"I went to clean up some, and I noticed all of Alice's things are gone in her nook. What the hell is going on? I know I saw her downstairs getting breakfast."

"We're not together anymore."

"Oh, bullshit," she laughs, but eventually stops when she sees I'm not fucking around. "Negan, you go after her right now!"

"Sherry, stay the fuck out of it!"

"Did you fucking cheat on her?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but I didn't stick my dick in anyone. She also made it clear that I wouldn't be sticking my dick in her, either."

"Negan, you're a fool."

"Sherry, do your fucking job or get the fuck out! Stay out of my goddamn business, and stay the fuck away from Alice."

"You stupid bastard." She shoves my clothes to the floor before leaving the parlor.

"Yeah. I **know** I am," I mumble, flinging my plate on the coffee table as food spills everywhere.

...

I press my ear against the metal of Alice's door to see if I can hear who she's talk to. It turns out to be her muffled sobbing. Why does she have to be so goddamn impassive about everything? Why couldn't she just yell at me like a normal person? Then we could fuck and make up.

"Open the gates," Carson shouts, coming down the steps.

"What's going on?" I chase after him, running out of the front doors.

A car comes to a halt, and out steps Hawkes.

"Dad," Cosworth yells.

Oh, thank fuck. Thank fuck.

He's bombarded with hugs and handshakes.

"It's good to fucking see you," I smirk.

"I was half way back when I realized our map was left in the abandon truck. Went back for it so the Syndicate couldn't find their way to us. Found this, too." Hawkes opens up the trunk with a snicker as we gather around it.

"No motherfucking way," I smirk, cocking my head some.

The bound Syndicate member looks up at us.

Connor gives the most unsettling laugh. "Please let me fuck him up."

"You can barely fucking stand!"

"So?"

I reach in the trunk and take the Syndicate member by the throat, throwing him to the pavement. "You are fucking fucked!"

"We Syndicate will die for our cause. You will get nothing from me."

"Take him to the fucking woodshed. Tie his ass up. Carson, call a meeting. Have Kid watch this fuck until we decide what to start cutting off."

...

"No," I dismiss Alice when she comes into the meeting room. "You too. Get out," I tell Tara.

"What? No! I want in on it."

"Now," I bellow at Tara. I'm not a sexist by any means, but this is not something I will allow any of my girls to be a part of. "If you're opposed to torture, you can get the fuck out, too. Close the goddamn door behind you."

Marshall leaves, followed by Bryan.

"Torture is the only option we have. We're not wasting resources keeping him alive, and I don't want the possibility of him escaping to run back to his group."

"In the pages that Vasquez wrote, he talks about in order to become a Syndicate member, you undergo weeks of torture. One, no body that's trying to infiltrate their base would go through such a thing. Two, in the event that a member is capture they don't give up information about the group and their cause."

Fuck, I forgot all about those pages he wrote. "That man, other than the injuries Hawkes gave him, is in good condition. He has all his limbs, and while the Syndicate torture their members, it's a lot fucking different when someone starts sawing your toes off and nailing them back on."

"I will fuck him up. Let me do it," Connor begs.

"Just wait a fucking minute. We can all agree that Hawkes' group gets first dibs."

Hawkes shakes his head no, as well as Banks.

My eyes shift to Vasquez.

He nods his head slowly.

"Connor, you interrogate him after whatever Vasquez deems appropriate. Remember those fuckers believe in an eye for an eye. Loping their hand off ain't going to do shit to get him to talk. Get creative."

Connor is never happier than when he's elbows deep in someone else's blood, and runs from the room like a kid on Christmas.

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

Vasquez nods to Hawkes' question and follows after Connor.

"Cosworth, stay here for a minute. Everyone else, dismissed."

He seems uncomfortable by my request.

"I'm going to make you a Lieutenant, which means you can have access to the seventh floor."

"I'm not really a fighter, Sir."

"Neither is Carson, and he's a Lieutenant."

"I'm not very good at ordering people around."

"Don't worry, I got enough of those."

"Uh," he reddens. "There's kind of something I wanted to talk to you about, which might make you rethink my promotion."

"What do you mean?"

"I've heard stories of the iron. I see the mark on Dwight and one of the other men here. I didn't realize she was with you, until she made a comment. Maybe if you could not burn my face, and just demote me?"

"A- Alice? You fucked **my** Alice?" I throw one of the chairs across the room.

He scampers around the table. "No! I never touched Alice, S-Sir. Rachel. It was Rachel!" He slams his eyes shut, putting his hands out to deflect me. "Please don't break my glasses." Cosworth peers one eye open.

I stand there with my head cocked.

His hands start to lower. "You.. you're not mad?"

"Is she happy?"

"She is, yes, Sir, but I just feel wrong about the whole thing."

"There's no need to. I just want her to be taken care of."

"So, you're not going to burn me?"

"No," I laugh.

"Even if she might be, uh, well, we're having a baby."

"As long as I don't have to fucking take care of the thing."

"Oh. Well this is a welcome relief."

"See if you can work on getting those solar panels running after you get settled in."

"Will do."

I know shit got ugly between Alice and Rachel, but it's true that I just want Rachel to be happy. I rub the back of my neck and think about Alice.

_Aren't you lucky I'm broken?_

I never meant for things to get so fucked up between us. Isn't time supposed to make things easier? Because it's not. She's eating by herself in the cafeteria, so I take a seat by her. I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind because I'm not sure how long I have with her. "I said some fucked up shit, I know. You were so fucking cavalier, set in your goddamn ways about how I'd never touch you again."

She gets up abruptly, leaving me alone.

At least if she'd yell at me, we'd be talking.

* * *

I walk in the shed and get sprayed with blood.

"He's a squirter," Connor laughs, turning off the saw. "Why don't you shove Lucille up his ass? That might get him to talk."

"I rub my dick on Lucille. Why would I put her up his ass?"

The look of disgust is the only thing we've gotten from the Syndicate member since he's been here.

"Fuck you, you self-righteous prick. I watched you cut those kids arms off in the street and play soccer with them. Don't fucking act like I'm the sick fuck."

"This one's all about the freaky shit. Has the number 69 carved into his back." Connor sniffs up his nose a few times. "Why do I smell French fries?"

"Sir," Cindy calls, outside of the shed.

I open the shed door, and take the pot of oil from Cindy. "Heh, do you know how I killed my father, boys?"

They both shake their heads.

"He tried to burn my house down by starting a fire from the grease on the stove. Thought it would be a good cover up after he murdered my mother. Only the stupid fucker was so drunk, he only made it to the end of her bed before he started to puke. I took that boiling pot of oil off the stove and carried it down the hall. I still have the burns on my feet from when the oil would slosh out of the pot and on me." I dump some of it on the Syndicate's feet.

He starts to rock back and forth in the chair as he lets out a yell.

I pull in a lung full of air through my nose. "Yep. Smelled just like this." I turn more of the pot over in his lap. "Lucky for my father, I put him out of his misery with a fire poker to the throat." I pour the rest of it on him. "I'll do the same for you when you give me what I want."

The member topples over on the floor and passes out.

"Figures," Connor sighs. "Right when it was getting good, too."

Vasquez lifts up his face mask some and pukes in the corner of the shed.

"You really fucking kill your dad like that?"

My eyes shift over to Connor. "You're **goddamn** right I did." I fling the pot at the Syndicate, and leave the shed.

* * *

"His blood loss is significant, and his vitals are diminishing," Harlan informs me when he comes out of the shed.

"Thank you, I know you don't want to see that shit, but I can't send Nicole in there."

"If this is the only way to extract information from him, it is what it is."

Connor slams the door. "I cut that fucks toes off and nailed them back on just like you said and he still won't fucking talk. This is bullshit!"

"Get a fucking hold of yourself," I snap. "Are you giving up?"

"Fuck no!" Connor takes a step back towards the shed. "We'll see how silent he is after I sever his deep fried dick off and nail that back on."

* * *

After three days, I was certain he would break, but he didn't.

Connor shakes his head at me. "There's not much left to cut off."

"He hasn't had anything to drink since he's been here. His organs are already starting to shut down," Harlan informs me.

"Chain him to the fence?"

"No. Take him outside the gates. Let the dead have him. Make sure he's unrecognizable." Fuck! Fuck! I cannot fucking believe this shit didn't work. "Thought I told you to chain him to the fence?"

Connor points to Vasquez dragging the Syndicate member.

"He not have his face mask on?"

Connor shakes his head no. "That's the member that tortured him. Vasquez wants his face to be the last thing that fucker sees."

"What does he look like?"

"He's actually not a bad looking dude. Has one of those butthole chins like you do."

"I don't have a- the fuck?"

"I should tell Molly I've seen his face. She says he always fucks her with the mask on. Eh, she probably likes it though."

"I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that shit. The fuck is wrong with you people?"

"Sorry, I forgot. You're above all that debauchery now that you're fucking the mute queen," he scoffs, leaving me by myself.

I walk over to Charli's grave. "I know you'd kick my ass right now if you could. You know how goddamn infuriating she is though. The obstinate fuck. Does she even feel anything?" I run my hand down my face. "I- I've never felt so lost before, Charli. Yeah, yeah, I know. Quit being a pussy," I grumble.

* * *

I step inside the infirmary to check on James.

"He's doing much better," Harlan comments.

"Thank you, Harl-"

"Negan," Cindy sobs. She's hysterical, clawing at my shirt. "Ali- Alice, Joanna- the new arrivals, they-"

"Where are they?!" I shake her by the arms. "Answer me!"

"Kitchen, the kitchen," she cries.

I tear through the infirmary, darting down the steps. The last level I completely miss the bottom six steps. "Marshall, Dwight, Connor," I scream, clearing two tables and barreling down the long hallway of the kitchen. As I get closer, there's men on the ground. I count four. Alice's knives are lodged in their eye sockets.

Joanna is on the ground with one of those shady fucks on top of her.

His hand muffles her cries. There's one of Alice's knives in his calf.

"Unhand her," Alice scream as she's cornered by one of the men.

"Bring that one to me. I want her!"

"I think this one is Negan's, dude."

"Even better! We'll be long gone by the time these cunts-" The man's eyes widen when he sees me closing in. "Oh fuck!"

"Oh, fuck yeah, oh fuck, you fuck!"

Connor charges ahead of me, tackling the man from Joanna.

Dwight grabs the lookout by the back door.

As a man reaches for Alice, I grab him from behind by his face. Mine or not, no man will force her against her will. My fingers dig in his eye sockets as they both pop right out. I mangle his face by slamming it repetitively against the wall. His bones start to shatter until it's this meaty packing noise as he drops limp against the floor. "Don't kill him," I order Connor.

"Fuck him!"

"Marshall," I shout, pointing at Connor.

Marshall grabs Connors knife, separating the two.

Connor gets right in my face. "Fuck you!"

I shove him back. "Patience, you'll get yours. I would not deny you that."

Connor's eyes follow Joanna's clothes scattered across the floor until they lock on her. "No, no, no!" He claws at the sides of his head.

Alice has her covered with her vest as Joanna sobs into Alice's lap.

"I tried, Connor. There were too many," Alice weeps. "I'm sorry."

Dwight looks away from Joanna uneasy.

I violently jerk Joanna's assailant up by his throat. "You fucking cocksucker, if you move, I will fuck you up!" My veins stick out of my neck, as I grit my teeth together. Not here. Not in my home.

Connor tries again to stab the man that raped Joanna.

I catch his wrist before it comes down on the abhorrent fuck. "Not. Fucking. Yet. I will not deny you the opportunity, but we make an example of them."

"Fuck, fuck," Connor screams, punching the metal fridge several times.

"Dwight, take that sorry fuck lookout and pull him in the cafeteria. Carson, call a meeting."

...

"Saviors," I shout, when the rest of the stragglers quickly join the group. "Before we eat, we've got a little dinner entertainment. No children though, sorry kids."

"Awww," they pout.

"Run the fuck along now, back to class with Hannah." I wait until the kids are out of sight. "Don't think I don't know every- goddamn-fucking-thing that goes on in Sanctuary, so listen the fuck up! On your feet," I growl at the man. "Seems there's been an infraction of the rules?"

"I didn't know!"

"Wrong answer, you stupid fuck!" I nod at Marshall, shoving the man backwards.

Marshall pins the man's arms behind his back as he's more willing to partake in the torture this time.

I know it's not something pleasurable to watch, or listen to as Connor delivers several forceful blows to the man's face.

Teeth start to collect below him. There is no escaping the screams that fill every level of Sanctuary.

"Fuck you, you cunt! You want to touch what is mine?" Connor sticks his knife in the man's throat and drops it on the ground. He reaches inside his throat and pulls out his trachea.

This barbaric display isn't something typical, but it serves a much needed purpose.

Marshall throws him to the side like the trash he is before the next man is up.

I take a look over my Saviors.

Carson's eyes are as big as his glasses.

Cosworth has his arms tight around Rachel.

Tara grips her knife with a snarl.

Alice's stolid stare isn't anything new, but after what we went through, she's eager for the next man's execution.

Connor relishes the opportunity for violence, but refuses to partake in the second man's execution. Instead, he clings to Joanna.

Several Saviors step forward and gladly finish off the last man.

As he chokes on his final breath, Alice launches a knife in his wide open mouth.

Both are taken outside to be chained to the fence and left to turn.

I put my hands out to quiet the commotion. "Now I know this is fucking upsetting to some of you, and it's going to ruin your dinner, but let me tell you that what you're feeling right now it is in no way close to the anguish these women feel when some piece of shit thinks it's okay to touch them. These are your wives, your girlfriends, your mothers, your daughters. You put your filthy fucking hands on **any** woman, and I will personally fuck you the fuck up. Gonna be a whole bunch of dickless fucks running around here when I get done. Then, I'll unleash my boys on you as you pray to whatever God to take your pathetic life. You think I'm fucking around? Goddamn try me!"

Connor carries Joanna to the infirmary as Alice follows him.

"Dwight, Marshall, Hawkes, go get those other five cocksuckers in the kitchen." I make sure all seven of them are chained together in a row before I take my knife out and carve a letter into each of their foreheads, spelling out rapists.

Marshall spits on them while he collects Alice's knives.

"Motherfucking motherfuckers," I yell.

...

Connor has his hands pressed against the wall outside of the infirmary as he dry heaves again.

I give him a hug as he sobs against my shoulder.

"This is our home!"

"I know," I choke, holding him by the back of his head.

"You can come in," Nicole cries, opening the infirmary door.

I don't know how to make this place any safer for my women. Things like this don't happen here. Seeing Joanna on that table is unbearable. "I'm sorry-"

"Please, just leave me alone, Negan," Joanna begs.

"Oka- okay," I frown.

...

When Alice knocks on the parlor door, it's just one more way I know our time is over. "Come in."

She has a seat next to me, two rags in hand.

"Did they hurt you?"

She shakes her head no as she starts to wipe the rapist's blood from my hands, then uses another rag for my face.

I know that she's concerned about my mental state, especially after what we've been through, but the more silent time that passes, the more I know this isn't a visit to attempt to mend things between us. Why would she even try though? I'm the one that ended things. My eyes sink to her boots.

They leave my sight entirely, and the door is shut.

"Goddammit," I scream, flipping the coffee table.

...

There's a knock on the parlor door before it's opened. "Hey, uh," Connor starts, "can I speak to Alice?"

"She's in her room." I pour myself another drink. "Not my room, her room."

"Isn't your room- oh," he murmurs, rubbing the back of his neck. "Why? I thought you two were-"

"You said it," I snicker, slamming back another glass. "Mute fuck. Or was it mute queen? Fuck her. She wants to threaten me? She's just like Lucille with her empty goddamn threats!"

"How much have you had to fucking drink, man?"

"Not near e-fucking-nough to be talking about this shit."

"I always thought the Lucille shit was a fucking joke, but it's clear that it's a little more than that. Anyways, I don't know what all went down with you and Alice, but fix it. You ain't fucking right without her."

"It ain't that simple."

"Sure it is. You tell her you fucked up, then you fuck her."

"Look," I start, desperately trying to change the subject, "I'm sorry I went about things the way I did. I never should have made some spectacle out of what happened with Joanna."

"She doesn't care about that shit. If it helps the other women, she understands." Connor lets out a long sigh. "I thought we were over this shit after Vic."

"I'll think of something. I **will** make this a safe place."

"You couldn't have prevented this. It's okay."

I don't believe that.

"She go back to level three?"

I nod my head and toss back another shallow glass. "Yep."

"So fucking stupid," Connor mumbles, slamming the door.

...

Goddamn, I've got heartburn like a motherfucker. It's pitch black in the room because I didn't light the oil lamp before I passed out. I can't wait for those solar panels to be operational and no more fumbling in the dark. Fuck, earlier is still weighing heavily on me. Even though our time is over, I fear for Alice's safety, and slide down the wall outside her door. I sit outside it just like all the times I did for my mother, as well as the next three nights. She catches me on the last day when she leaves to take one of her middle of the night showers. "S- sorry," I murmur embarrassed.

She won't even look at me and continues up the steps to the showers.

I sigh and go the opposite direction from her.

"Officer," one of Lee's men greets Alice. "You here to enforce curfew?"

"Move."

"Sure, I'll just follow you," he snickers.

I swear to Christ I blacked out, because it's not until he's bloody and hanging over the railing that I realize what I've done.

"Please," he begs me.

"Are you fucking kidding me," I scream. I open my hand up and let him fall six stories to his death.

Alice wipes the man's blood from her cheeks.

I examine my bloody, shaky hands.

She moves in my arms, weeping softly against my shirt.

I want to squeeze this woman, and never motherfucking let go, but I don't touch her. I want to take her to the parlor, and put her against anything I can find, feeling her warmth when I push inside her, but I can't. Her words fucked me up, just like Lucille's did.

_Enjoy pleasuring yourself because it is going to be a substantial amount of time until you enter me again._ **_If_ ** _I ever allow it._

_You don't get to touch me._ _**Ever** _ _._

I pry her from me as she whimpers. "I would fucking die for you, Alice, but one thing I will **not** do is let you threaten me." I choke back so many things. Anger, tears, and any further words because I have nothing left to give this woman. I leave her alone and descend downward into the belly of Sanctuary.

Some of the others have gathered from the loud noise of his body hitting the ground.

Lee pulls his knife from the man's skulls.

The look on his face alone tells me this man had it coming.

"There's a special place in hell for these motherfuckers."

I look up at every level. That's it. I think I just might have an idea to help keep our women safe.

* * *

There's only one other person besides Alice that would stand behind me without saying a word. "You know, that was pretty fucking stupid what you did. Those Syndicate fucks could have put a bullet in your head."

"I made a mistake."

"There's a reason why you weren't allowed to come. You're too goddamn small. Shit, you should be eating mud, and doing.. well.. fuck I don't know what kids do."

"I'm not a kid. Being a kid was scary."

"You still are a kid."

"No, I remember the day that changed. I was at the zoo, watching the animals. A man jumped down into the monkey pit, and started to eat one of the monkeys. My mom said he was sick, but it wasn't just him. It was everyone. We didn't make it to our car. They fed on her while I escaped."

"Yeah, it's a motherfucker to lose everything."

"I have this." Kid hands me a plastic bracelet.

It's one of those things they give kids in case they're lost so they can find their parents. I start to hand it back when I realize... "This has your name on it."

"I don't want to know it."

I give her a smile and hand it back. "You have the same name as my mom."

She stuffs it back in her little pocket. "Did your mom get eaten?"

"No, she was shot."

"By who?"

"Whom."

"What?"

"You don't say who. It's whom. By whom."

"Are you avoiding the question?"

"Maybe."

Her forehead wrinkles. "Alice hasn't gone over that with me yet."

"You guys study a lot together?"

"Yeah, but she's been sad the last week so we've just been sleeping a lot. Do you think she's mad at me?"

"No, she's mad at me."

"Why?"

"Because I left her."

"You don't love her anymore?"

"I don't believe in love."

"Is that why she doesn't tell you she loves you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, because you don't say it back?"

"Alice told you that she loves me?"

"Well, she said it's a different love than what she has for me."

"Why don't you go play with Dog? I need to talk to Alice."

She heaves a heavy sigh before she starts to sob. "Are you going to make her sad more?"

I sink my hands into my pockets as my eyes well up. "I don't know."

* * *

**A/N** **I hope you all like this chapter because it was absolutely miserable to write the action scenes. I use the word 'action' loosely because I suck at writing them. Alright, enough whining.** **Stigmatic will be a year old on Tuesday, (not on this site, but on fanfic) so I'll post to coincide with the date. Kirk out. (heh, get it? Because of the Spock quote in the beginning? Okay, really, until Tuesday…)**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N I know this fic is still pretty new on this site, but today marks one year since I posted on fanfiction. This fic is now up to date with the one on that site so updates are going to be a little bit slower now. There's still a few more chapters to come, and eventually, I want to write a second installment. I appreciate the feedback! Keep it coming! Reviews really help inspire me to continue. I'd like to give a special thank you to Lupienne. She is the entire reason I posted this fic; encouraging me for several months until I did. If you enjoy Alice and Negan, this chapter is based centrally on the two.**

* * *

_What if I let you in? What if I make it right? What if I give it up? What if I want to try? What if you take a chance? What if I learn to love? What if, what if we start again? – Michael Barnes_

* * *

I kick Alice's door in, breaking the lock.

She shoots me a ridged cold stare.

I stand in the doorway, my breathing heavy. "Why didn't you tell me you loved me?"

"You don't believe in love. What good would come from saying it to you?"

"But. You're so..." I punch the wall. "You don't even know what the fuck love is," I yell. I'm fucking livid!

"We can both agree that I do not know how to properly convey emotion, but I can assure what I feel for you is, in fact, love."

"I won't give you that, Alice."

"What we have is sufficient."

"Had. What we **had**. Get it through your fucking head that we are done."

She drops hers some as tears fall to the floor.

Maybe she didn't realize just how serious this is, I don't fucking know. What I do know is that I want my fucking apology from her, then maybe I'd consider mending what we had, but the arrogant fuck would never admit she's in the wrong for the things she said. So here we motherfucking are.

"Why are we having this conversation then?"

"Why would you fucking tell Kid you love me?"

"Those words never left my mouth. My feelings towards you are private."

"What?" I put my hand out to shut her up before she answers my rhetorical question with some smart ass comment. "Goddammit," I snap, leaving her room.

Kid gasps, looking up at me with big eyes before taking off down the walkway.

"Hold it right fucking there!"

She freezes.

"Walk with me. Outside," I steer her.

"Okay," she mumbles.

"Why did you lie about Alice loving me?"

Kid shrugs. "I helped you that one time with Rachel. I thought I could do it again."

"Kid, grown up shit is different than kid shit."

"Am I in trouble?"

"You think you should be?"

"No. I was only trying to help!"

"Well, you're not! I don't want to be with Alice, and I sure as fuck don't want her love."

"I don't care if Alice thinks you're smart, I think you're an idiot!"

"Wait," I yell at her when she takes off towards the gates. Shit! The last thing I need right now is a four foot meat puppet chained to my fence.

…

"Kid!" I've been out here for a fucking hour looking for her. "I'm fucking sorry and shit, okay?" I unsheathe my knife when I hear rustling behind me.

Kuzma pins my wrist back. "Friend."

I move my wrist from him. "I ain't your fucking friend," I murmur.

Kuzma whistles up at the tree, then holds out his arms.

Kid swings down from the tree to him. "Don't leave me with Negan," she whimpers in his ear.

I frown and start back for Sanctuary. It's awkward when I'm followed by the two but I know there's little choice.

Dog paces back and forth at the gate waiting for their return.

Kuzma sets her down and gives her a ball so she can play fetch with Dog.

"Do you speak any fucking English at all?"

"English? Little."

"I think you're the man that Alice should be with. The way you look at her, I know you'd do anything for her. I just fucking disappoint her, and I'm going to keep disappointing her. Fuck, I know this is going way over your goddamn head."

He stares blankly down at me.

I heave a heavy sigh. "Do you love Alice?"

"Love Alice? Yes."

I don't know why hearing he loves her bothers me, but it does. In fact, I fucking hate him for loving what's mine. Kid's right. Sherry's right. Connor's right. Marshall's right. I **am** an idiot. Alice was the only one who always took up for me. Made me feel like I was worth a goddamn, and I threw it the fuck away because of some bullshit apology? Why am I acting so self-righteous? I've made my share of mistakes, fuck, god fucking knows I've made my share of mistakes.

"Love."

"What?"

Kuzma points at Kid playing with Dog.

"You love Kid?" What the fuck is he talking about?

"Love, Alice," he repeats himself, pointing at Kid again.

Shit, of course. "You love Alice like she's your own. Like a daughter."

He nods his head.

That's why he's always protected Alice like he has. Taken care of her. He lost his daughter. "Do you have any pictures of her?"

He doesn't respond.

I pull out my wallet and show him, opening the part where I keep the picture of my mother.

He pulls his from his pocket and thumbs through it. "Yana." The brunette teenager is an uncanny resemblance of Alice, even down to the braid to the side.

I hand it back to him. "I'm sorry."

His eyes well up as he puts the picture back in his wallet.

I grip his shoulder.

"Friend?"

"Yeah. We're fucking friends, you gigantic fuck," I smirk.

"Kuzma," Kid shouts.

Kuzma whistles at Dog when Dog starts to pull on one of the undead's arm through the fence.

I find it rather funny, but my laugh eases when the three of them start back inside for dinner. I planned on going to bed, but when I walk past Alice's room and she's trying to fix that fucking lock, I know I have to say something. "Did you know Kuzma had a daughter?"

"Yes, her name was Yana."

"Undead get her?"

"She perished at fifteen. Their house caught fire while he was at work."

"He showed me her picture. She looks like you. She looks just like you." I understand now why my jealousy over him seems so fucking ridiculous to her. I guess none of that matters anymore. "Kid said she was trying to help us."

"I see."

"Let me fix that, I broke it."

"Leave. You've done… enoug..." She starts to sob, shoving the door knob pieces to the floor.

"Alice, wait." I take her by the wrist.

She pulls out one of her knives.

I spin her around so her back is to me and I clutch onto her other wrist as she struggles to break free. "I'm fucking sorry, okay, but don't you have anything to fucking say to me?"

"Let me go!"

"I have let you go, and… now… now I don't want to."

"You promised," she cries.

"I know, Numbers." I know she doesn't want to be pinned like this, but if I let go, that's motherfucking **it**. Everything I've known since that day in the woods goes with it. She's heavy in my arms because I'm the one holding her up.

Her sobs are pathetic, like the day that Charli passed. She gets a sudden burst of energy and tries again to break free.

I let her this time as her hand slips through mine.

She keeps her back to me like she can hide the fact she's crying.

I pick the door knob pieces up off the floor. I remember the day I gave this to her. Just another painful memory of ours. "Pack your stuff, okay?"

Her eyes are so goddamn hopeful when they look at me, but it's not so she can come back to the parlor.

It can't be that way. Our time is over. "I want to restructure a few things and put all the women on level six."

There's a brief twitch as her head turns just slightly to the side like she's reprogramming herself. It's the strangest thing I've ever seen, especially her robotic words that follow the twitch. "Yes, Sir."

I set the lock down on her end table, then leave her alone.

"Oh, I've been looking for you," Carson starts. "Did you tell Alice about the room assignments? She was my last one."

I close her door as best I can. "She knows."

"Good. I'm going to go help Clara."

My plan is to put all of the women on level six, and on level five the more reliable men who aren't Lieutenants like Bryan, Vasquez, Finn, and so on. I'm also going to forbid any man that isn't level five or higher from using the upstairs bathroom. I know that I can't prevent rape, and even though the women are higher up, it doesn't stop a man from sneaking up here, or attacking them how they did Joanna in the kitchen. I need to get my mind off Alice, so I wander off to find Hawkes. He and Marshall are out on the catwalk outside shooting Marshall's M82.

Marshall actually doesn't have a cigarette in his mouth. "You tell him yet?"

"Did you?"

"No."

Hawkes lowers his gun. "Tell me what?"

"I made Cosworth a Lieutenant the other day."

"Yeah," Hawkes smirks, "he told me. I'm proud of him."

"Well, that offer goes for you, too."

"Oh," he starts, "I don't know what to say."

"You don't fucking say anything because it's not a choice," I laugh. This puts us at seven. Dwight, Marshall, Connor, Carson, Seth, Cosworth, and now Hawkes.

"Here." Marshall points at the M82.

Why the fuck not?

* * *

"Shit," I groan, squinting my eyes from the light. I have never been as drunk as I was last night, but, goddamn I had fun, and it got my mind off everything. I have a seat in the cafeteria with my palm pressed against my forehead.

Cindy sets down my tray and her voice is like nails on a chalk board.

Although, to be fair, so are all the others.

She starts to knead my shoulders.

It, surprisingly, feels real good. I glance up from my food when I hear Alice laugh at something Marshall's said. But... that's… that's **my** laugh! "Stop." I swat Cindy away. What is he even fucking doing at that table?! The Lieutenants always sit together, but he's over there laughing it up like some dumb fucking cunt. Tch. Bullshit. I'm going back to bed.

...

"Sir," Carson interrupts.

"Shit. Was I asleep all goddamn day?"

"Yes. Thought I'd wake you before the festivities."

"Festivities? The fuck are you talking about. Leave me alone, my head hurts."

"Sir, this is important to the men. Your participation-"

"Alright, al-fucking-right, just stop talking. The cafeteria?"

"No. The bar was constructed while you were gone for those few months. We're going to have it there."

"Good, I could use another drink," I mumble, pushing myself out of bed.

...

"Woah, what the fuck are you wearing?" Connor laughs.

"The same thing I always do. What the fuck are you wearing? You look like a-" I cock my head when I see others walking towards the bar. "The hell?"

"Look, I know it's kind of stupid to have a dress code, but I got fucking outvoted on that shit, so go change."

Where was my fucking say in that dumbass shit?

"You don't gotta wear a tie, but you should at least shower, man."

I never showered to go to a bar before. I stomp back up to my room to try and find something to wear. Thought the days of this stupid shit was over.

Joanna looks down at the pile of clothes in the bathroom. "Yeah. I figured you'd need help."

"J- Joanna," I stammer.

"Don't look at me like that," she laughs, digging through my clothes.

"I'm sorry I went about things the way I did. It wasn't right."

"Stop. It's okay. I asked you to leave the infirmary because I didn't want you to see me fucked up like that."

"It should have never happened."

"I really don't want to talk about it."

I can appreciate that because I know the last thing Alice wanted to do was talk about what Vic did to her.

"Here, put this on." She hands my long sleeved navy thermal.

"No goddamn way. I ain't wearing that fucking shirt again."

"Have you seen Alice's dress? Trust me. Put the damn shirt on."

"This ain't about Alice."

"Bullshit. Get dressed, and don't go back to bed. Please shower. You smell like a foot."

"A foo- the fuck?" I ain't doing this stupid shit.

...

Fuck. Alright, so I'm doing this stupid shit. This shirt is practically strangling me. I need to shave, but I don't because I don't care. I know people want to put their nose in shit and try to fix Alice and me, but I don't want to fix things. I'm reverting back to my old ways. It's familiar to me. I don't need her to make me happy. It's time I go back to wives, too. No fucking drama, well, okay, maybe that part is a lie. There was always drama. I stare back at my bloodshot eyes before emitting a long sigh. I look like shit… It's not even my vanity, I just don't look good. My skin coloring, my eyes, and I see another one of those fucking gray hairs in my stubble.

...

Shit. I actually feel a little underdressed. Even Dwight found some long sleeve button up bullshit to put on. Hawkes with his fucking tie. Cosworth and that fucking bow tie and vest. "The fuck?" The disgust on my face is made quite apparent when I see Marshall. This black blazer and white dress shirt fuckery. Ugh. "I need a drink."

"Here, Sir," Cosworth says, handing a shallow glass of whisky to me.

I toss it back, slamming it on the bar. "Give me another one. And fill it up this time." As if this night couldn't get any worse, they turn on the goddamn music. Waste of a fucking generator. I snatch my glass and find a spot in the darkest part of this place. This is so fucking ri-goddamn-diculous.

...

Kuzma has a seat next to me.

It doesn't bother me because I know I'm not going to be forced to small talk. My eyebrow peaks when he's given a lap dance. Looks like finding wives will be a little easier than I thought because there seems to be no shortage of women in this place. My eyes trail up a pair of legs to the best ass I have ever seen in my life. Please have nice tits. She's talking with Marshall, but I'm the alpha male here so I ain't worried. Wife number one here we go. I choke on the rest of my drink, spilling it down the front of my shirt. What a shitload of fuck! That ass belongs to Alice. Fuck me. I gotta see her in that goddamn tight red dress? Legs for fucking days, and I know I'm not the only one taking note of her ass. Fuck her. Fuck this. I snap my fingers at one of the girls close by and point to the stripper pole.

...

I stare up at the whore snaking her body around the pole.

_You don't get to touch me._ _**Ever** _ _._

I throw back a shallow glass trying to silence Lucille's voice.

_Enjoy pleasuring yourself because it is going to be a substantial amount of time until you enter me again._ **_If_ ** _I ever allow it._

I steal the shot beside me to silence Alice's voice.

The whore runs her hands up my legs, to my chest, before straddling me.

"What's your name?" I just want to call out some other girl's name tonight.

She braces the back of the chair, pressing her lips to my ear. "Whatever you want it to be."

Her perfume is upsetting my stomach.

She slips her hand between my legs and quickly finds my zipper as she starts to tug at it.

Shit, she's going to fuck me right here? I still her hand. "Go get me something to drink."

She gives me a flirty giggle. "You don't need-"

I move her off me, becoming bored. Luckily, whatever-her-tits wasn't the only entertainment. My eyes shift over to Molly on top of Cindy when men start yelling in excitement over the two girls kissing. Jesus fucking Christ, everywhere I look it's some kind of debauchery, and when I go to take a piss there are two people fucking in the stall next to the urinal. The later it gets, the crazier shit gets, and the more clothes start to come off. My eyes narrow suspiciously as I watch Alice talk with Marshall. Those two have been talking all night! Since when is Alice ever one to fucking talk? A bra wraps around the back of my neck and I'm pulled face first into a pair of mediocre tits.

Molly leans in to kiss me.

I hold her by the jaw. "The fuck are you doing?"

"Thought I could earn some extra points."

"Thought I was **too** big?" I stand up as she falls on the floor.

"Ow! The fuck is wrong with you?"

"I need a drink." Wait, where did Alice and Marshall go? I narrow my eyes. Marshall knows I'm not with Alice. No motherfucking cocksucking fucking way! "Move," I growl at some drunk fuck that's tripped into me and shove him to the side. Neither Marshall nor Alice seemed drunk, which only pisses me off even more! They're going to fuck sober? Goddammit!

He's taking her back to his room.

I haul ass up the steps. Over my dead fucking body, fuck, shit! She is mine! "We need to talk," I growl. I hook her arm and pull her up the steps to the parlor, shoving her inside.

"Excuse me, but that was extremely rude."

"Were you really going to fuck him?"

"My emotions were compromised watching those girls gyrate on you. He attempted to comfort me."

"Comfort you with his dick? Smarten the fuck up, Alice."

"He wanted to talk!"

"Talking at four in the morning is code word for let me stick my dick in you."

"Oh," she flushes and starts to frown. "I- I didn't know-" Her eyes well up.

I lose my hostility when I realize it's an honest mistake.

"I feel… stupid," she cries embarrassed as she fights desperately to rid her tears.

I lightly touch the tips of my fingers to her cheek and sweep them away with my thumb. Not even Lucille had the effect on me that Alice does. Lucille held beauty at a pretty high standard. Alice **defines** every aspect of beauty. The fuck is wrong with me? Wanting to go back to wives? Am I really that fucking stupid to think that I don't need her to be happy? I fucking miss this woman. I fucking need her.

"Negan, you sure are taking a long time getting that drink." Molly stands in the doorway with Cindy beside her. "Time to find out how big you really are," she giggles, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip.

I let out a whimper when Alice's hand clamps right onto my dick. Holy mother fuck me!

Her hand tightens around me. "Are you both so mentally maladjusted to think I'd ever let you touch what is mine?"

"Yeah, I'm hers," I simper, pushing my hips forward a bit.

Alice shoots me a single brief glare.

"Get the fuck out," I shout at them.

Alice slams the parlor door in their faces.

I yell when she slugs, not slaps, me in the goddamn eye. "The fuck?! But I thought-"

"Why do they have the impression it's alright to be up here?"

"Wha…? Because you're leaving with other men!"

"Man. Singular. Which we both had all our clothes on when we left. I saw her breasts in your face."

"If you even consider those tits."

"I am not amused."

I apply pressure to my eyebrow, which I didn't even know she could reach, but those heels do give her several inches.

"How many women have you been with since you left me?"

"None of your goddamn business!"

"So, none. You've never been secretive about your sexual escapades before."

"Fuck!" She's got me there.

"Ugh, you're pathetic, Negan."

"And you're a fucking bitch!" I jab my bloody finger into that hoity toity fucking dress of hers. "You heard me! You look fucking ridiculous in this goddamn stupid fucking…" My eyes gravitate towards her tits. "Tight… dress…"

She reaches back and slaps me.

I grab her wrist, followed by the other one when she tries to slap me again. "I ain't fucking playing with you," I growl, pinning her against the door with her arms above her head.

"Release me, **now**!"

I let go, punching the door. "Fuck you!"

"Your dull-wit astounds me."

"You cold-hearted bitch!"

"Libertine."

"Reticent fuck."

She takes in a sharp breath as her pupils widen. A whine escapes her open mouth.

I pin her arms back against the door. "I'm going to fuck you so motherfucking hard, everyone in this goddamn factory's going to know who you belong to when you scream my name," I growl, claiming her lips.

Her fingers curl around mine as she deepens the violent kiss.

I knew she still fucking wanted me the second she asked me how many women I fucked because, in some twisted way, she wanted to know if I was loyal to her, even if we weren't together. I hoist her up by the thighs and slam her into the doors.

Her eyes trail my face. "You seem unwell."

"Your fault for making me crazy, you catatonic fuck." I'm slugged again. Goddamn, **that** one hurt.

Her lip turns upward in disgust when she sees my nails. "Are your hands clean?" She shakes her other hand free from my grip.

"No." I stick my index finger in her mouth.

She slaps it away. "Revolting!"

"My hands ain't the only thing that's dirty. I can get real fucking lascivious, Alice. What's that word you hate?" I hold her wrists so she can't slap me. "Pussy. I'm gonna fuck that p-" My screams fill the room when the sharp part of her heel digs into my hip.

"Wash them to my liking. **Now**."

"Fuck! Fine!" I feel like the biggest vagina, hunched over the goddamn sink as I lather my hands up.

"No," she orders when I try to rinse them off. "Continue washing. Your face and neck, too. Wherever their filthy skin touched yours."

"There. Better?"

She gives my hands a thorough inspection. "Yes. Now you may put your finger back in my mouth."

"Tch. Fuck that. I'm going to put my balls in your mouth."

"I hope they're cleaner than your nails."

"They're smooth, too- oh, fuck-" I moan, grabbing the wall to steady myself. That little mouth is so fucking good. I slap her on the cheek a few times with my cock as she tongues my balls.

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"I recall some type of threat you made that requires fulfillment."

I hit the back of her throat. "I'm going to fill you alright. Damn, I like you all horned up. Begging me to fuck you, only to take matters into your own mouth because you can't wait for my cock anymore." I yank her up by her wrist. "Is that dress important to you?"

"Not terribly."

Did I have to rip it? Fuck no, but I get a certain gratification doing it. She's not wearing a bra with this dress so it's titties ahoy! I motorboat them all the way to the lounge before setting her on it.

She scoots to the edge, taking me in her mouth.

Usually, I'd let her go to town, but I have other plans as I drop to my knees. I run my hands up her legs against the fabric of her white pantyhose. "These are fucking nice," I grin, pressing my lips to her calf and kissing up her leg. "Real motherfucking nice." I nip at her inner thigh, pulling on the stretchy material. "Gonna have to get you more of these-"

"Silence!"

"Okay," I shrug, ripping a hole in the crotch of these nylons and moving between her legs.

"Negan, no!"

I snicker manically against her skin.

"I… I dislike," she moans.

I peek up at her. "What's that?"

Her hand wraps around my head, moving me back in-between her legs.

"I knew you'd like me eating your pussy-"

"You shouldn't speak with your mouth full."

"You're right. How motherfucking rude of me." I can die a happy man now. Buried in pussy, goddamn! Her tits hanging out of that ripped dress. When her panties start to slide back over, I rip those, too. Christ, her skin, her scent, her little moans. There is no denying I am an idiot to give it up. She satisfies me in ways no other woman has, or ever will.

Alice becomes distracted, and lets out a frustrated breath. "Are you humming?"

I nod slowly, circling my tongue.

"Stop that."

I bite just a bit of skin as she whimpers. "What was that?" I nip at her again. "Fucking nothing. That's right." I swat her ass and flip her on her stomach. "Get on your knees and grab the back of the lounge." I discipline her with another sharp smack when she takes too fucking long. She accepts all of me with one violent thrust. I'd feel bad if the entire level below us didn't hear her moan my name. I hold her by the throat, pulling her against me. "That's right." I run my index finger over her lips. " **Mine**. And **I'll be god-fucking-damned if you moan another man's name** ," I hiss through clenched teeth, deepening my thrusts. "Fuck!"

She slams her eyes shut, giving me the most dramatic moans.

Fuck, I need to calm down before I really hurt her, but any time I start to pull out, she uses the back of the lounge to help her push against me. I let out a harsh groan in her ear with each possessive thrust upward. "Yeah?"

"Yes!"

I release her throat, gravitating towards her pert little tits and cup each one. This dress has got to fucking go, and I rip the rest of it, discarding it to the side. Damn, this fucking view. Just a pair of ripped crotchless nylons and some heels. "Shit," I moan, pulling out of her. "I'm going to drop a load like a dump truck if we don't calm the fuck down."

Alice glances over her shoulder. "Other things of mine require attention."

"Titties?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"Yes, please."

I force her on the goddamn lounge so hard she hits her head on the arm. I gotta stop doing that shit.

"I'm unscathed."

"God, you're fucking perfect," I growl, latching my lips on her little peak.

She moans, arching her back.

I lick all the way up her chest, to her neck before capturing her lips.

She reaches between us and starts to stroke my length. "Remove your shirt." Her eyes widen when I drop it to the floor, then runs her tongue against my shoulder. "Your deltoids are my favorite."

"So you've told me." She must have wanted me if she's complementing me while we fuck instead of insulting me. I let out a grunt when she takes her hand from me and her nails pierce my skin.

"That reminds me."

I'm slugged in the eyebrow again. "Ow, fuck!"

"Their skin is **never** to touch what is mine."

Okay, **that** one really fucking hurt. I lower my head as blood drips on her chest.

Her tiny fingers squeeze my throat. "Negan."

I ain't gonna lie. I'm so goddamn hard watching this woman claim me, I almost come right then. " **Never**."

" **Never**?"

" **Never**. I am yours."

"Extraordinary. Will you fill me again?"

I'm unable to form words so I just move my head up and down with wide eyes.

She rolls over on her stomach, getting on her hands and knees.

I fill her alright. All the way to the fucking hilt. Delving deep inside her. I pop out and slide up the curve of her ass. "Yeah," I moan as my dick eases between the material of these nylons and her ass.

Alice watches curiously.

I'm not ashamed. I mean, I've rubbed my dick on a fucking baseball bat for Christ's sake. Why not nylons, too?

"That's enjoyable?"

"It feels so fucking good."

"Not for me."

I silence her with my middle finger.

"Oh," she moans, pushing against my hand.

"Yeah, fuck that finger, you obstinate fuck."

"Yes, penetrate that thermoplastic material, you incorrigible deviant."

"Please stop fucking talking." In fact, I just bust out laughing.

"I tried," she frowns.

"I know. We'll work on your dirty talk."

"We wouldn't need to if you'd do your job."

"… Fuck you!"

Now she seems pleased with herself.

I turn that fucking grin into a clenched jaw. "Yeah, you fucking wanna play games?" I remove both her heels, flinging them across the parlor.

"What was that for?"

"Now you can't get off the lounge until I **let** you."

"I still have my-"

"No you don't," I growl, ripping her nylons off as well. "Get back on your knees."

"I-"

"Now," I raise my voice. It's the one time she doesn't have some smart ass retort.

She assumes her submissive position.

That's right. I press my boot to the floor, giving me more leverage. Fuck she feels good, though I wish I left on those nylons. Her hot skin is slick under my hands, so I dig my fingers into her ass more. I take in a deep breath as she tightens around me. "Goddamn, already?" I curl my hand around her shoulder, picking up my pace. Maybe it's the blood dripping down my face onto the curve of her ass that does it. Or the veins in my neck that start to pull to the surface.

"Oh!"

"Yeah, Alice," I hiss, reaching under her and rubbing her most sensitive area while letting her have her release.

"Negan!"

"Louder!" My lungs fill with air as I grit my teeth. "Say my name."

"Negan."

"Call me Savior leader."

"Savior leader!"

I smack her on the ass. I'm really starting to like that. "Again."

"Savior leader, Sir!"

"Yeah! Oh, fuck." Fuck! I pull out, shooting on her ass. "Shit, Alice," I moan, bracing the back of the lounge, releasing my trapped breath. Screams turn into the two of us trying to catch our breath. I sit back on my leg, taking in the view of her bent over. Fuck me. It's right there, begging for my mouth. I press my lips to hers, and she barely protests.

Her ass just wiggles a bit, then she gives up.

I could make her come this way, but I won't push my luck. Instead, I use her pantyhose to clean her up with, though it's kinda fucking pointless.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it," I laugh, flinging them to the side before going to shower to try and get this blood off me. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. The water stings like a motherfucker, but it's familiarity that I crave. She's still in the same spot when I get out of the shower. "Yeah, I missed that. You face down ass up in your sex coma."

"You did me well."

"Oh my fucking god, Alice," I laugh.

Her legs slide down the lounge until she's flat on her stomach.

"Guess you'll be on your way."

She's not budging.

"That's it, huh? Wham bam, you fucked me well, thank you, Negan, and goodnight?"

Her eyes spring open. "Did you want to have intercourse again?"

"Nope, sorry. My dick is just for show right now."

"Tease," she yawns, turning her head to face away from me.

Oh. She's really going to sleep here? I thought… fuck it. I hurry to the lounge and get comfortable before she comes to her senses. Yeah, maybe I fucking missed this shit, okay? I just wanted her to come crawling back to me. To win one goddamn argument. I wanted her to beg me like all the times I did her. Most of all, I just wanted a fucking I'm sorry. I need to go to sleep before I piss myself off.

...

I wake up when I feel a blanket touch me. It's too fucking hot in here as it is.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Sherry whispers, covering Alice more.

I blink my eyes a few times as my eyes adjust to the room. "Did you see my dick?"

"Wouldn't be the first time. Go back to sleep."

"Will you hand me those heels?"

"What for?"

"She doesn't like her bare feet to touch the floor."

"She has the smallest feet. They're kind of cute," Sherry laughs, handing them to me.

I situate them on her feet, then lie back down.

"Really, Negan?" Sherry holds up Alice's torn dress.

"The ripped stockings to go with it are over there," I yawn, burying my face in the crook of my elbow.

"That dress was gorgeous! What did you rip it for?"

I move my arm down some and shoot her a glare. "Sherry, can we not have this conversation, oh, say, while my dick is out?"

"It wouldn't be the first for that, either."

"Those stockings in your hand have my come on them," I snicker. "Blood, too."

"Oh, gross!" She wrinkles her eyebrows. "Are you being serious right now?"

"Maybe? I don't know. Get out!"

Alice starts to wake up as Sherry tip toes into her nook before Alice sees her. Alice grunts displeased at the blanket, shoving it off her.

Shit, if Alice catches Sherry in here, I am going to have more than a black eye.

When the bathroom door clicks shut, Sherry hurries back in the room.

"Get out. It's not up for fucking debate. Get the fuck out, Sherry."

"You don't know how happy I am to see her in here."

"You and everyone else. Get. Out."

"Alright, alright. Jesus, you grouch."

Fuck me. The sun isn't even all the way up and I'm about to have a damn heart attack.

Alice hides behind the bathroom door.

"What are you doing?"

"Will you turn your head, please?"

"I've seen you naked. How do you think we fucked?"

She disappears behind the door.

I smirk and take the blanket over to her. My mouth still hits the floor every time I see her vulnerable in front of me. It's difficult for her. I can see that uncertainty as she shyly always tries to cover a scar or bite mark they left on her. "Here."

"I dislike the way that blanket feels on my skin."

"Then… I guess you're going naked."

She jerks the blanket from my hands, catching me eyeing the cigarette burn on her stomach. "Does the mutilation on my skin displease you?"

"Only when you cry over it. I wish you were comfortable enough to be naked all the time." I run my fingers over the bruises left from when she was shot. "Your poor titties."

She's quick to cover herself, and ignore my concern.

"Uh. You weren't really going to fuck Marshall, were you?"

"Were you really going to have intercourse with Molly and Cindy?"

"You're the only one I wanna stick my dick into at four in the morning, and every hour for that matter."

"I'm uncertain why you need that validation. I felt my response to his intentions last night were pretty obvious that I did not want to have intercourse with him."

"Well, I'm an insecure fuck. You know this," I laugh, following behind her.

"No, you're not. Possessive, yes, but not insecure."

"Why are you limping?"

"The position in which we have intercourse will sometimes trigger an ache."

I don't know whether to bend her back over, or feel bad.

She folds the blanket, then slips on my shirt.

"That's a good look for you."

"The attire makes no difference to me."

"You know, they call that the walk of shame. You leaving some guys place like this, hair a mess, wearing yesterday's clothes."

"Hmm." Her eyes shift over to me. "Go collect my things so I may shower and dress."

"A fucking please would be nice."

"Since when have you ever been one to care about manners?"

I let out a snicker. Unlike her, I ain't ashamed, and these people are lucky I put on pants. It takes twice as long because I forget I moved her to level six. And maybe I kinda took my sweet ass time looking for a pair of panties to keep in my pocket. I'm up to three pair now I've confiscated from her. What isn't in my pocket, I keep in my dresser. I'm not really looking forward to the day she finds those. "We only slept an hour," I shout over the water. "We can go back to bed if-"

"No. Enjoy your day."

Well... fine.

...

I find Marshall close to the east side of the fence and make my presence known. "If you were anyone else, I'd snap your goddamn neck, you motherfucker."

" **Don't** fucking threaten me. You said the two of you were not together. I asked you. Twice."

"She thought you wanted to talk."

"She's not that naïve, is she?"

"What did you say to her?"

"I asked her if she wanted to talk some place quieter. Thought that was pretty universal. Who talks at four in the morning?"

"She thought you were trying to comfort her because she was upset about Molly- look, it doesn't fucking matter. She's **mine**."

He breathes out a cloud of smoke with a laugh. "You look in the mirror this morning?"

"No. Is my eye swollen?"

"I thought maybe she hit you for cock blocking her," he laughs.

"She hit me alright," I smirk proudly.

"Whatever you say." He starts to take a drag, but pulls it away. "Oh, speaking of hitting. That Molly girl? **Freak**. I'm telling you, the shit this woman wanted me to do to her-"

"I don't even want to know. Connor said she's into some weird shit. Anyway, keep your dick away from Alice."

"Gladly," he smiles. "Good to know you two worked things out."

Actually, all we really did was fuck. I start back inside, and find her in the meeting room, buried in a mountain of books. "We fucked and made up last night, right?" I shift my eyes side to side. "Why aren't you answering me? That's... that's what that was, right?"

"Last night was deep seeded jealousy issues unintentionally culminating into-"

"Fucking forget it, you impassive fuck," I scream. Goddammit! Fuck it.

"Sir, about the solar panels," Cosworth starts.

Whether it's good or bad news, I can't deal with that shit right now, and start for the parlor. Judging by the fact I'm stubbing my toe in the dark stairwell, I'll take it as bad news. I cock my head some as I stand in the middle of the room.

Alice's things are neatly placed back in her nook.

I glance over my shoulder when I hear her settle behind me.

"-unintentionally culminating into reconciliation, you boorish brute."

Reconciliation? Fuck her. "You know, I thought I'd be happy about you coming home, but I'm not." I'm certain her response is going to be some stoic bullshit like 'I see', but it's quite the fucking opposite. "I hate when you fucking cry."

"I apologize."

"Don't cry then."

"No, Negan. I'm sorry for everything. Things were so blown out of proportion, I don't even know how we got here."

It's like all the air gets sucked out of the room. My apology! "You- You really mean that?"

"Yes. This isn't about me sucking up my pride to tell you I'm sorry, it's the right thing to do. What I should have done from the start. It wasn't my intention to threaten you. I realize that was wrong."

"Lucille used to threaten me all the time. Tell me I'd never put my hands on her. It triggered me, and in that moment, it wasn't you I saw, it was her. Just like I know you saw me as one of those men that made you believe you were broken."

"Perhaps, I slightly overreacted."

"Slightly?"

"Yes, slightly."

"Okay," I chuckle. Alice and I had been through a lot, and I think I forget she's young and inexperienced at this shit because she acts so goddamn mature. She handles it the best she knows how which is being callous and distant. "You know, you're a real bitch sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other fucking way."

"You're an indescribably narcissistic reprobate."

"Yeah. That's about right. You know, I still fired one off to you every morning in the shower."

"I find that oddly comforting."

"You fucking pervert, I knew that shit turned you on. You play DJ and think of me?"

"You know I didn't."

"Damn. Well, can you at least give me a visual aid of what that might look like?"

"I suppose, since I want you to know that I am remorseful for my choice of words."

"Holy fucking fuck! Did I fucking die?" She's going to rub one out for me?

She slowly moves her head side to side as she eases her pants down her hips.

Let's just say, we fuck the rest of our issues out.

...

I find Alice in her nook reading. I'm not sure if she's just nervous to ask to sleep with me again, or if she's just that involved in her precious book. "Come on, Numbers, let's go to bed."

Her arms move around my waist.

This doesn't seem like one of her brief embraces as her fingers knot my shirt. "Are you certain?"

"Yeah. I didn't sleep well without you."

"I don't believe you."

I know we've talked, but things finally fall into perspective. "Alice, I ain't doing this shit again. You are mine, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to watch you with another man. We are some stubborn motherfuckers, but I think we are too hard on each other."

"You're always hard around me."

I start to laugh while nodding my head. "Okay, that was funny shit."

"I-"

"No, listen to me. I get the trading of insults. It gets my dick going in ways I cannot-" I clear my throat. "What I'm trying to say is, I like you fucking mean. Don't change that. I **want** you fucking mean. I don't want some dumb fucking cunt grinding on a pole that's going to tag team me with her friend because I'm the king dick motherfucker. Alice, you are **not** something warm to spill into because that was singular to them. Look, there's something I want to tell you, and I'm not sure how to fucking say this, so I'm just going to come right out and fucking say it. Which is never a good idea for me because I always say the wrong goddamn thing, but…" This is hard for me because I'm pretty private about my feelings for her, too. "You're my partner." I let out a deep breath, rubbing the back of my neck. "You're… you're my Alice. You're it for me. You're my last."

"You're my only," she sobs overwhelmed.

It feels good to finally admit what I tried to say back at the camper in Pennsylvania, and to know she's so accepting of it. "Can we start again, Alice?"

"No."

I let out a breathed laugh. "May we start again?"

"Yes, Negan."

"Call me Savior leader," I grin devilishly.

She starts to laugh. "Yes, Savior leader."

* * *

"I'd probably stare at myself all day in the mirror too if I had tits like yours, but we need to get going."

Alice blushes, buttoning up her shirt. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to watch you become self-conscious about the way you look."

She grabs her tie and ties it. "I don't really look at myself much these days but now I remember why."

"What's wrong with the way you look?"

"I see these other women and they have the most sultry, charismatic look about them. Then there's me. I look like a fish. Outward lips, big eyes, and a round face," she sighs.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

She sucks in her cheeks and pushes her lips outward.

"I can see the resemblance to a blow fish," I joke and unzip my pants.

"I thought we needed to leave?"

I lick my lips. "Do that face again."

"No," she murmurs, then starts to laugh.

"You shouldn't compare yourself to other people. It's a fool's errand."

"I never thought of it like that."

"What woman does?" I zip up my pants. "Look, maybe it's my fault for not being complementary."

"I don't expect that because it doesn't suit you. Nor do I want insincerity to appease me."

"How come you can use all these obscure words on a regular basis but the only thing you ever have to say after we fuck is that it was," my face goes blank, "good?"

She slips on her vest and zips it up. "Screaming your name isn't validation enough?"

"Fucking smart ass."

"I dislike that insult."

"I know. It's my favorite," I grin, and snicker when she gives me one of her glares. "I just want it to be the two of us today."

"Very well."

We had, once again, lost so much time. My plan is for us to go out scouting places. Even though Sanctuary is finally becoming self-sufficient, I know that any day that can be taken away.

Alice sighs, and puts out her hand to take her helmet.

"I'm sorry, Alice."

"I know. There's no other options. The trucks are all-"

"No. I'm not talking about having to take the bike. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I haven't always been good to you."

"I'm not perfect, either."

Heh. I've always liked the way she says either. Like some stuck up literature teacher. She's perfect to me, and maybe I should have told her, because little did I know, neither of us were coming back home that day.

...

"Uh- are we lost?"

Alice sighs heavily. "Yes."

I feel her forehead.

She shoves my hand away.

"Oh, come on, it's funny."

"We could die out here without resources."

"We're not lost. I'm teasing you. I know where we're at. There's a junk yard not too far from here that I used to steal parts for motorcycles from." Now if only I could remember which direction. "Damn, it's fucking hot today."

Alice gasps.

Wow. What a fucking sight to see.

Alice runs over to the edge where the water meets the sand.

It's a hidden spring.

"Have you ever been here?"

"Of course, I take all the women I'm with here."

She starts to laugh, before unzipping her vest.

My eyes light up. She's… she's getting naked! "Holy titties," I beam, tripping as I try to pull my boot off.

...

"Aww," I pout as she starts to get dressed.

"We need to return."

I brush some of the sand from her shoulders. "Your skin is burned."

"Hazards of pale skin."

I dress, only to find myself back on top of her. I can't keep my hands off of her, and slowly start to unbutton her shirt.

She laughs, tilting her head up. "Negan," she screams.

I jolt my eyes up to find us surround by ten men. All heavily armed. These weren't a bunch of pussies outside of a bar. I quickly button up her shirt, then move her close.

"Leave," Alice commands.

"Relax, young one." He reaches for her arm.

I hit him as hard as I can. "Don't fucking put one hand on her."

We're quickly separated by the men.

"No," Alice begs, reaching for me.

"Alice, no," I scream as I'm pinned to the ground.

"Do you want both of them, Sir?"

"The girl, for sure. Put her in the front of the truck. Restrain him, and he goes in the back. Take them to the holding area."

Luckily, I'm knocked unconscious because they put a bag over my head, and like that time in the funeral parlor, I don't do well with claustrophobia.

...

When I wake up, I find myself in some type of warehouse on a tile floor. The room I'm in has been modified with bars. Fuck me, just what I want. Prison. "Alice," I cough, squinting my eyes.

"I'm here." She takes my hand.

"Did they touch you?"

"No."

"If you're lucky, they'll kill you," a man in the next cell over tells us.

"Fuck you, I ain't dying here." I reach for my knife. Of course, it's been taken. "Lucille!"

"She's back at the spring."

"Where's your vest?" Shit. All of our weapons are at the spring.

We hear the main door start to unlock.

Alice's lip starts to tremble. "Negan," she cries.

I hold her by the cheeks. "I will give my fucking life to protect you, you know that, right?"

"Yes," she whimpers, looking over at the door.

"No." I turn her head back to me, wiping her cheeks. "Our deep seeded jealousy. Your words, right? Well, when you fell down through the floor in the Library, I remember how scared I was. It was something that I hadn't felt for another human being since Lucille died."

Several men come in through the doors starting to shout at each other.

Alice tries to look over at them again.

I turn her head back to me. "Dwight pulled you out of that pit, and I thought for sure you were fucking dead."

A gun is fired at the man in the cell next to Alice and me, killing him instantly.

Alice's cries become louder.

"But you weren't, and you woke up. I remember thinking how fucking jealous I was because I wanted you to thank me, but you didn't even acknowledge me."

The metal keys hit the lock as it clicks open our cell.

"I treated you like shit because I was jealous, Alice."

"On your feet."

"Jealous because I was too stupid to see how much you meant to me. How much you've always meant to me."

He reaches for Alice's arm.

I grab his hand, wrapping my fingers around his so one of the keys stick out and stab him repeatedly in the face with the metal.

His screams bring in more men.

I shove one into the bars, kicking another one in the stomach.

A gun is raised towards Alice.

I push him into the wall, slamming his hands against it until the gun falls to the floor.

Alice picks up the gun and fires it towards one coming in the door, and another one trying to strangle me. She's tackled to the ground as the gun flies from her hands.

I'm able to get the gun, but it's empty so I use it to bash him in the head until his body goes limp. Two more men run in the cell as I'm taken to the floor. "No," I yell, when they pull Alice from the cell. A gun is put to her head and I'm told if I move at all, he will put a bullet in her head.

The men holding me leave the cell, one of them grabbing the bloody keys from the floor to lock it.

I'm given my own personal torture show. "Stop," I scream as they take turns hitting her.

Like that time Charli described, Alice doesn't give them one whimper or reaction.

I know she did that for me.

After the seventh blow to her head, she's knocked unconscious.

They drop her to the floor, leaving the room.

"Alice," I whine, stretching my arm through the cell, reaching for her limp fingers. I'm just able to brush the tips of them as I'm helpless to watch her bleed out against the tile. I bring my hand back in the cell when they return to the room. I know this is going one of two ways. They're going to kill us both, or they're going to kill me and take her.

"You're causing a lot of trouble for us."

I press my face to the bars and spit in his face.

He hits me across the mouth with his gun.

That was only the start.

I know if I take a swing at them, they'll pull the trigger and that will be it for Alice. As the men take their turn beating men with whatever blunt object they can find, I start to wonder if Alice dying would be better than them taking her. At least, her death would be quick, because there is no telling what they are capable of.

"You're killing him," Alice cries as she starts to come around.

When I can no longer take in a full breath, I know they've broken my ribs. Along with my nose and four fingers for certain. "Alice," I breath, the blood still fresh as it runs down my head. I can't see out of my right eye because it's swollen shut. More men fill the room as I'm forced face first against tile, a knee jammed into my back to keep me down.

"Throw the girl in the truck."

I can hear my heart beating, as my left eye twitches. "Don't you fucking touch her," I growl.

A gun is pressed against the back of my head.

"Negan," Alice screams.

He cocks the revolver. "Your mate will be a fine specimen for Syndicate research."


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N** **This chapter will be from Alice's point of view. I didn't plan on writing from her point of view so soon, if at all, but I changed a few things last minute and here we are.**

* * *

_How can you look me in the eyes and tell me you're proud_ _of what you've done within this life?_ _Your footprint can't dematerialize and when you die, look where you've left your children behind... a world unsuitable for life. -Travis Ryan_

* * *

_Again, Alice._

_The elements are not in my favor._

_They'll never be in your favor, and you're wasting my time._

_That is not my intention._

_Again._

_Very well._

_Excellent. Absolute perfection._

_Lucky throw._

_That is an ignorant thing to say. Again, but this time, I want you to throw it with me at the target._

_Foolish. Do you honestly trust your life in my hands?_

_What if I didn't have a choice but to trust you with my life?_

Once again, I find the elements against me, and like my father's life, Negan's is now in my hands. "I will not **allow** you to harm what is mine." I unsheathe the knife concealed within my boot. The Syndicate member is awarded an instant death, something he is not worthy of.

Negan is swift to retrieve the revolver before firing it at the man closest to me.

I'm unable to recover my knife before another gun is raised at Negan. There is no bulletproof vest to protect me this time, though it doesn't detour me from taking a bullet for him.

"No!"

I'm frequently compared to a robot. I can assure you that is an inaccurate analogy. Robots do not feel pain. I do. My shaky knees give, as I stoop over on the tile. The blood is significant for such a small entry wound. Of course, the exit wound is greater than the entry wound because the bullet has struck bone. I cannot allow my body to capitulate. Negan requires my assistance. I'm almost paralyzed with fear as I watch my protector bludgeon these men to death with nothing more than his own fists.

He's doing irrefutable damage to his body. "Fuck you, you cunts," he threatens, rearing his hand back and driving it in the last man's temple until it kills him. Negan finally succumbs to his own wounds. It's as if the only thing keeping him on his feet is his instinct to protect me.

I press my trembling hands to his back. "Negan?"

**No** response.

I'm uncertain whose blood stains my hands. "Please," I choke. Blood roves down the cracks in the tile until enough collects to start pooling together. This is beyond the extent of my medical comprehension. My fingers stiffen against the worn leather. Is he…? Wake up! I sob endlessly into the material. When he reanimates, he'll be too heavy to fight off, not that I will attempt to subdue him. "Please, Lout." What about our life together?

"Alice…"

Thank you! I've got to get him home.

"My ribs," he whimpers.

"I'll drag you, lie still."

"No." He struggles to stand up.

"Don't get to your feet! You could puncture your lung."

"Alice, go… before more of… those fuckers come back."

The thought that more could be on their way only fuels my adrenaline as I bolt down the corridor. I'm often faced with challenges due to my small size. This works in my favor, and I retrieve a tarp from a small space that could not be infiltrated by most.

"I thought you left."

"You must assist me. You're too heavy."

His face is crippled in pain. "I can't."

"If you perish now, everything will be in vain. Please, do not force me to put you next to Charline."

"…okay."

"Roll on your side. I'll do the rest." Judging by his gasping screams, I'm certain he's broken another rib.

"Alice-"

"Do not speak." This plan seemed flawless, but his mass exhausts me. We still lack half of this warehouse. If only I had some type of… I snap my head over my shoulder. That's it! I do not inform him of my plan, and locate the vehicle we arrived in. Excellent! While the Syndicate impaired my vision, my hearing wasn't. This vehicle has a coolant leak. There is a receptacle of antifreeze located on the floorboard. Once back inside, I flip over the jug and pour the liquid on the ground from the door all the way to Negan. I steady my feet on each side of the liquid and start dragging him. The antifreeze slickens the pavement so the stress of his weight is minimalized. Though this is only one obstacle down. How will I get him in the vehicle to make it home? Of course. The loading bay. "I will return." Hotwiring the vehicle is priority number one. Simple enough, and easily achieved. Getting Negan in the vehicle isn't. There are several pallets that I line the vehicle's cargo area with until they are flush with the warehouse. This way, I can pull him in the cargo area without the significant drop down. "I'll be as gentle as I am able." I am not easily defeated. It is not in my nature. This? This is impossible.

He must sense this because he assists me, and it becomes too much for him. The Savior leader is on borrowed time. "Alice," he stammers, fading in and out of consciousness.

I refuse to accept he is dying.

_Whoa, wait a fucking minute._

My navigational skills impress even myself in this foreign area, though I'm quick to find familiarity.

_Ladies first._

Familiarity that just might save his life.

_Guess it just ain't our time, or did you want to keep going?_

I do not have the luxury of sparing a single second and plow through the main gate of Sanctuary.

_You by yourself?_

I briefly punch my fist against the truck horn.

_Close your eyes._

"I require assistance!"

_You want me to leave you here to bleed out, fine, but if you want to come back with me, I'm blindfolding you. We don't fucking know each other and I won't risk my men's lives by leading you right to our fucking front door._

My fists beat violently on the well used metal.

Dwight is the first one to hear my distresses. "Alice," he falters, placing his hands against my cheeks.

"Negan, he's…" Pull yourself together!

"Marshall, Connor, Hawkes," he bellows.

While I have no doubt in these men and their strength, Negan does not need to be tossed around like some rag doll. The sprint up each level seems to grow with each passing one until I finally reach my destination. "Kuzma!"

He's quick to realize the situation.

I try to keep up with him, but he's exceedingly faster. Thankfully.

When Negan's bloody body is brought inside Sanctuary, you can instantly feel the mood shift into dismal uncertainty and panic start to ensue.

At this point, I do not know if Negan is alive in Kuzma's arms, or if he has perished. I dismiss any questions asking how this happened. Once Negan is placed on the infirmary table, I feel for a pulse. Faint.

Kuzma shifts concern when he sees the blood loss from my bullet wound.

"Everyone out," Harlan instructs, as Nicole clears the room.

Negan goes into these violent convulsions.

"He's going into cardiac arrest."

I press my hands to one of his injuries to help with the bleeding. I'm not accustomed to being entirely useless.

Harlan and Nicole work in tandem to save his life, but they can only do so much.

When Negan becomes briefly stable, I get my chance to assist. "Please," I whine, pulling up my sleeve.

"Alice, if you give him blood, you will die."

"If you don't start the transfusion I will, and it's probable we will both die." I scoop Negan's cold hand in mine. "He is too important to the survival of Sanctuary." My eyes shift to Nicole. "You both know this. Make the preparations." As they begin, I write Negan a letter to convey all the things I need to tell him. What do you say to someone with the added pressure of knowing it will be your last? My fingers continually cramp as my heavy eyes start fighting me as well. "Give me your word you'll keep going?"

"I promise," Nicole cries as she takes my blood pressure.

"Very well." I tuck the letter inside his pants pocket, and become dizzy. This is more painful than I imagined, though it makes sense considering the blood is being drained-

...

-from my body. I snap my eyes open. "Negan!"

"Don't move, baby, I'm trying to stitch up this gunshot wound," Nicole smiles.

"Negan," I repeat, skimming the room.

"He's out of danger. For now," she informs me.

My relief is brief. "For now?" She helps me back in my shirt, not that I require her assistance, but I fear she's stalling.

"Harlan," Nicole calls, when she buttons my last one.

"Alice, Negan's in a coma, which is to be expected considering the amount of trauma his body has endured. However, without electricity and the proper medical tools, he's going to die if he stays in the coma too long. We just don't have the means to keep him alive."

"With electricity, and acquiring the tools needed, he would survive?"

"It's still hard to say, but without them, he **will** die."

My eyes flood, but with a slight head twitch I collect myself. "You told me I would perish giving blood."

"Alice, this isn't just giving blood. We're talking about his organs shutting down, and that will lead to death."

"Alright. Compile me a list of the medical supplies needed."

"Even if you get what we need, how are we going to power all this medical equipment?"

"You let me worry about that." I hop down from the table, and stand next to Negan. Please give us the opportunity to save you, Lout.

...

"These?" Cosworth asks Clara.

"I like your other ones." Clara returns the glasses back to him.

"Alice," Cosworth greets.

From the moment I met Cosworth, I felt a closeness with him. He's my equivalent, like Charli was to Negan. I enjoy having the sibling relationship with someone again.

Cosworth waits to speak until Clara has left the room. "They said he doesn't have long."

"Any moment could be his last. I was given a list of supplies to fetch. Harlan believes that the Hilltop or Alexandria might possibly have what's needed."

"May I see it?" He studies it briefly. "I'll have the solar panels operational before you return with the equipment."

"Thank you," I choke.

"I know it's not our way, but if you need to talk I will listen."

"Now's not the time for tears."

"Very well."

I smirk with a brief laugh. That's my line.

...

With Negan indisposed, Marshall took leadership of the Saviors.

"Come in," Marshall shouts.

I find him on his bed, cleaning one of his guns with a toothbrush.

"Oh," he clears his throat, and attempts to fix his messy hair.

I slap him across the face. "How dare you disrespect me." I won't lie, just like when I strike Negan, I am fearful. Even though Marshall is a good man, he could easily be provoked into hurting me, but he doesn't and apologizes.

"I thought you knew my intentions when I tried to take you back to my room."

"I thought you knew mine."

He shifts his jaw side to side. "I wouldn't do anything you didn't want."

"Marshall, I know you're not that kind of man. Your actions speak otherwise."

"Can you blame me for trying?" He slams his eyes shut. "Sorry." When they reopen, they have a sadness to them. "I'm sorry. I disrespected you for assuming you were that kind of woman. Thankfully, Negan intervened before I made too much of a jackass out of myself. I don't want to mess up our friendship. It was stupid of me. Give me a chance to make things right between us."

"Accompany me to Alexandria."

"Gladly, Ms. Alice," he smiles.

...

My heart races as Marshall and I stand at the gates of Alexandria.

"Marshall," Olivia reddens. "Uh, come in."

This situation could have been avoided. I shouldn't have asked Marshall to come with me

"You know where Rick is," she tells me, leaving the two of us.

"I apologize, Marshall."

"I couldn't care less about Olivia. She said some pretty hurtful things. Good riddance."

"Often, the reason it's hurtful is because we need to hear them." I know this all too well because I am not the ideal mate. While Negan is infuriating at times, I am also equally maddening.

Eugene rudely clears his throat.

Not this insolent fool.

"Are you lost?"

My condescending guffaw enrages him. "I would embrace uncertainty before allowing confidence in your navigational skills."

"Navigation is within my skill set."

"Alice," Carl calls, throwing his arms around me.

"Carl, where is your father?"

"Over there. Where's your vest?"

I pry his hands from me and start towards Rick. It saddens me to dismiss Carl like I have. I will make it up to you, my friend. My concern is, with Negan being the one injured, Rick will be opposed to offer aid. Am I wasting precious time I cannot afford?

"Yes, we have all these things, but I'm sorry, I can't help you."

You can't or you won't? Rick's more stubborn than I am. "Negan will die if you don't assist me."

"It wouldn't be the worst thing."

"Rick, I'm humbly begging you to reconsider."

"Alice, this is something I will **not** reconsider."

I understand there is bad blood between the two parties, but letting someone perish is foolish. "It was wrong of me to ask this of you. I apologize."

"I don't expect you to understand-"

"I don't comprehend it. I never will. You attacked Negan's men first. **You** drew first blood on his outpost Saviors. Yes, Negan bullied the Hilltop into giving supplies, there is no denying that, but Carl told me he offered the same deal to protect the Hilltop from the Saviors. Half their supplies. I will not make excuses for Negan, nor will I say he is a perfect man. No one's hands are clean anymore." I don't find these words easy to say. Especially, because Rick has given me this life, but it doesn't grant him immunity from the things he needs to hear. To understand he's too stubborn. "If you do not assist me, Negan will die. It is an absolute certainty."

Rick's fingers tighten around his walking stick as he leans in closer to me. " **Good**."

"Very well."

"Alice, your place is here. With us."

"No, Rick. This is affirmation that I am where I need to be."

Marshall spits on the ground, before easing a protective arm around me as we return to our truck.

I don't approve of bodily fluid being hurled outward in such a disrespectful manner, but it's fitting for the situation. Charli was fond of the middle finger.

"You can cry if you need to."

"I am not sad. The day will come when Rick stands before Negan to supplicate for his own people only to remember this day. **That** is an absolution I will eagerly relish."

Marshall lets out a snicker before lighting his cigarette. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

* * *

"Sir?" I hand Marshall the lists I've spent the night preparing.

He goes over them with the other Saviors. "We only have one shot at this, people."

More people than I expected volunteered to go on the run. In fact, the only person that didn't offer to help save Negan is Kid, though I understand her reasoning. She is agitated with Negan at the moment.

"Count me in, too," Carl says from the back. He flashes me a warm smile.

His willingness to help practically brings me to my knees. "I don't deserve your aid after dismissing you, nor do I want to put you at odds with your father."

"My father is stubborn, you know this. If he knew I snuck out to help, yeah, he'd be pretty pissed, but this is the right thing to do. No one is going to live forever, but I want to be proud of what I've done with the life I had."

Precisely. "I am proud of the man you've become, Carl."

"Heh," he blushes. "Well, some of me coming here to help is selfish. I mean, if anyone is going to kill Negan, it's going to be me," Carl laughs, climbing into the truck. He sticks his head out the window. "Hey, you gotta sit by me though."

I sniff up my nose. "Yes, of course."

...

With my vest unaccounted for, it means I'm back to using my father's knives. I am not as accurate with these, nor am I able to carry more than two. The vest is replaceable. What's not replaceable are the knives Negan constructed me. They mean more to me than he will ever know, especially because he took the time to initial them. I stretch my fingers out and take the permanent marker in the console. It's not the same, but it's a small comfort as I write an N on both of the knives. I can only hope this is as temporary as Negan's condition.

The squeaky brakes give our arrival away before Marshall can.

"I'll protect you, like old times," Carl tells me, curling his fingers around mine.

"I know you will," I smile.

"Two teams," Marshall instructs, handing a radio to Connor. "Check in periodically."

"Yes, mother," Connor derides, snatching the device.

My team is comprised of Carl, Kuzma, Dwight, Marshall, and Hawkes.

Connor's is Banks, Tara, Seth, Lee, and Vasquez.

Bryan is going to stay back with the trucks as security. We have one of our generators in the truck that will be used to test the medical equipment before we make the journey home.

* * *

After seventeen arduous hours, three hospitals, and countless pieces of equipment, we're no better off than before we started.

"I'm sorry." Marshall is so distraught, he can hardly speak the words. He is not the only one upset. It's the most silent this group has ever been. Not even Connor has some kind of input. While we were able to recover some supplies, most of the machines were completely destroyed or stolen. I know the men are tired. "Carl, you need to return with the others."

"No. I'm not leaving you, Alice. You can't do this on your own."

Perhaps I'm avoiding the trip back to Sanctuary. If Negan has perished, I do not know what I will do.

Dog licks and nudges my fingers as he whimpers.

If the circumstances weren't so bleak, I'd be disgusted by the saliva. I heave a sigh, scratching the underside of his chin. "Come on now."

He stays rooted, starting to bark.

We all assume it's the dead, but there's nothing around us. I gasp as my lips part. "The veterinary hospital." Why didn't I think of this before? Of course the hospitals would be ransacked, but the odds are slightly more in our favor this way. I try to recall a location for one as I flatten my map against the sides of one of the trucks. "Here," I tell them, pointing to a location south of here.

"Load up," Marshall shouts.

...

The smell permeating from the hospital burns my eyes. I tie my bandana around Carl's nose.

"I… can't…" Dwight turns to expel all the fluids from his stomach.

"Pussy," Connor snickers, before mocking Dwight with dry heaving noises.

It makes Dwight even sicker.

The smell wasn't from what you'd think. It's rooms and rooms of the dead. They were so full, you couldn't even get the door open, and if you did, they'd spill out everywhere. This is one of the most unsettling things I have ever seen because I'm certain these are the bodies from failed Syndicate experiments.

Connor doesn't find it so amusing now, and winds up in the same position as Dwight.

It's seeping into our clothes, and hair. The hallway was a slick carpet of blood that several of us had already found out the hard way.

"There," Hawkes points. "Form a line to pull out the bodies, and grab the equipment." He quickly takes charge.

There's another thing I find truly disturbing about the bodies. I'd calculate almost eighty percent of these people have had some type of reconstructive surgery on their knees. They're bent and then have been sewn in place. I can only assume it's so the victim doesn't try and flee. Maybe a system they implemented after Vasquez escaped. None of us speak a word while doing our task. I feel compelled to return at a later time and give these people a proper burial. It's imperative that we save Negan at this point. He is the only one I feel confident in leading us against fighting the Syndicate.

Hawkes' voice carries down the hall. The room is **empty** of any equipment.

Perhaps another room? After two more, the men are defeated.

"Alice, I'm sorry."

Why is this such an arduous endeavor?! Why can't **something** go right? I step out back for a breather mostly due to the fact I don't want anyone to see me cry. One of the Syndicates trucks have been left behind. I inspect the cab to see if I can find any clues as to their whereabouts. Like the medical equipment, I find nothing. It's as if the only reason the truck is here is to mock me. To show me that, once again, the Syndicate have the upper hand. Out of frustration, I kick the rolling door. It's not secure and slowly raises up some.

One of the dead's hands come from under it and grab me by the shirt.

I don't need my knife, and wouldn't use it even if it was in my hand. Instead, I lift the rolling door up some and yank the dead from it, kicking its skull in. After I'm done, I feel worse. I've disrespected this unfortunate soul that was taken captive. "I'm sorry." My eyes well up, but I'm unable to release all this pent up emotion that I have inside. As I slowly turn my head towards the truck, I understand why. "Oh," I murmur, as my eyes widen.

"Oh god," Carl says behind me. "Alice, you did it!"

I'm still in shock.

"Hey," Carl yells when he opens up the back door.

The entire truck is filled to the brim with the medical supplies that was taken from the hospital. I drop to my knees, pressing my hands to the scorching pavement. "Thank you," I whimper. "Thank you." It's not just a victory for Negan, it's a victory for everyone. Proof that those who suffer, survive. I am praised by the others, and if I weren't so choked up I could tell them that my findings were strictly dumb luck.

_That is an ignorant thing to say._

My father's voice chastises me once again.

"Sandwich the supply truck in the middle of the two of ours." It is also decided that we will load some of the supplies into the other two trucks. That way, in the event a truck is lost, we're not back to square one.

"Can I have some?" Carl holds his hands out.

"I don't know, can you?"

"Alice," Carl laughs. "May I?"

I squeeze the sanitizer in his palms. People often find my incessant need to be clean annoying. Not today. Everyone gladly lines up for my wet wipes and hand sanitizer. I want to rip my own skin off most of the time. I'll never accept being filthy. Situations like this drive me to my breaking point, and I have to mentally put myself into another place. Usually something involving equations and formulas. I already feel tranquil.

...

Dividing the equipment up in each of the trucks turned out to be for nothing, but it was a precaution I am glad we took. We've come too far for it to be in vain.

"Can you boys imagine what it's going to be like if he got those solar panels working?"

Cosworth assured me the solar panels would be operational, and I have faith in my friend.

He's in the courtyard when we arrive with the supplies. "I'll take the addition of a third truck as a good sign?"

"Yes. We've exceeded what was required." I don't want to ask him and seem insulting, but he doesn't say anything else as he watches the men bring in the equipment.

Cosworth laughs every time one of them walk into Sanctuary and back out again.

Oh, my. This **is** comical.

"What's so funny?" Carl asks.

I point at the door that leads into Sanctuary.

"I don't understand." Carl walks closer and starts to inspect it. "Oh," he laughs.

Cosworth crosses his arms across his chest. "How many times do you think they'll pass by it before they realize that light has been on the entire time?"

"It seems this could go on for days."

"Shall we barter weekly supply room points on the one that notices first?"

"That sounds agreeable." I shake Cosworth's hand.

His prediction is on his father.

Mine is on Marshall.

We're both wrong.

Dog starts barking at the light.

"All be damned," Cosworth smirks.

"I am not surprised. After all, it was Dog's idea to scavenge the veterinary hospital," I chuckle.

Cosworth smiles down at me. "Go save him, Alice."

I hurry into Sanctuary, hearing Connor's faint voice from outside.

"Holy fuck, we have electricity?!"

...

Seeing Negan hooked up to all these machines and cords is upsetting. I know that it means his probability for survival goes up, but the last person I remember seeing like this was my mother. Even at a young age, that image is forever burned in my mind. A lot of the equipment on Negan had to be altered which makes it even more frightening. Will this be sufficient enough for him to pull through?

"His vitals are good," Nicole tells me.

"They are?"

She shows me how to read the monitor, and what they watch for.

Marshall steps into the infirmary. "I'm going to make an announcement about the electricity. Do you guys want to gather in the cafeteria?"

I take the opportunity to be alone with Negan. It's not to disrespect Marshall as a leader, or Cosworth's hard work. I wish Negan could enjoy this moment with the rest of them.

"He looks like one of the roamers," Carl frowns.

Negan's bruises are still pretty significant, his right eye being the most prominent one.

"Sorry. I didn't mean like he was already dead."

"I know."

"That group did this to him, huh? The Syndicate."

"Yes."

Even Carl recognizes the importance of Rick and Negan siding their differences at this point. "I would never expect Maggie to forgive Negan after what he did to Glenn, though she understands the importance in the survival of her people. If we don't put aside our differences to help each other kill the Syndicate, we're all going to end up bodies in that hospital."

I am certain I stand next to the future leader of Alexandria. "Thank you for everything, Carl."

"I better get back." Carl gives me a hug.

This time I return the gesture.

"I love you, Alice."

"I love you, as well, Carl."

* * *

Most everyone partied throughout the night, into the weary hours of the morning. I staked out my usual spot in the infirmary. Sleeping in the corner on a pallet of blankets I've made. This way, I can be close to Negan.

"Hey," Molly smiles at me. "Look, I know you're pretty pissed at me, so I don't want to press my luck, but have you seen Kuzma by chance?"

"Not since the supply run."

"He never came to the party last night. I was just-"

I've heard enough, and make my way to the catwalk. I skim the crowd, then start to fear the worst as I start up to the fifth level.

Dog whimpers outside of his room, scratching at his door.

"Kuzma!" I pound on the blockade several times before barging inside. This is not how I imagined my first use at electricity to go, and I'm fearful to what will be revealed as I run my finger up the light switch.

Kuzma is stooped over at the foot of his bed on the floor. An empty bottle of alcohol at his feet.

"Kuzma!" I touch his neck to feel for a pulse. "Kuzma, wake up, please!" I give him several light smacks to the face.

He rises from his slump. His cheeks are flush and dirty streaks stain them. "Yana?"

"It's Alice." I take his enormous hand, as his eyes adjust to the light. "I'm Alice." I've been saving this for later tonight, but now is as good of time as any. I replace my hand in his with a necklace from my pocket.

Kuzma seems like he doesn't know what to make of it.

It's a replica of the one Yana wore. Today is her birthday. "Twenty-one," I smile. Some days are more difficult than others to keep track of. It's days like this that make it worth doing so.

"Thank you." He presses his lips to my forehead.

I've tried desperately to learn his language, and hope that my studies are not in vain. I tell him that I would be proud to have him as my father.

He responds that he loves me like his own, then holds me as I weep. This day is his, yet he's made it about me. He always makes **every** day about me.

...

If I sneak off early enough in the morning, I'm not questioned. I truly feel that this is no one's burden but my own. I'm going to find Lucille. I must find Lucille before he wakes up. It's just a matter of which one of the six locations she could be at. It's more difficult on foot to cover the ground that I need to, but I have no other option. After two tiring days, I start back for Sanctuary.

"No," a disembodied female voice cries.

As I hurry towards the voice, I witness a man forcing himself on the female against a tree.

"You like that, bitch?"

If I had my knives, he'd be dead. Though, it's still a direct hit to his shoulder, and enough to stop the act.

"Jesus fucking fuck," the man screams, reaching over his shoulder.

I ready my other knife, but become paralyzed when I see his face. He's... one of the dead? No. It can't be. Are those… tattoos on his face?

"What the fuck," the girl yells, naked as the day she's born, her hand planted firm on her hip.

"Little fucking help," the man grunts.

"Just fucking pull it out," she yells at him.

"I thought... he's not..." I'm so perplexed as to what is going on in this moment.

The girl seems perfectly comfortable around the man, and even tries to assist him in removing the knife.

I take in a quick breath. **Role playing**. I rush to the man's side, though I'm certain he's going to harm me after my attempt to take his life, but he doesn't.

Instead he just stares back at me with unsettling solid black eyes. "Damn, you're beautiful."

"Fucking jerk," the girl yells, hitting him on the back of the head before gathering her clothing.

"Uh," I flush. This is the most awkward situation I have ever come across.

"I'm Butcher," he smiles, pulling his pants up.

"I'm... sorry."

"I can work with that."

"I thought you meant the girl harm."

"Nah, **she's** the biter." He shows me his bloody hands and arms that have her teeth imprints. His hands are actually tattooed to look like the skeletal system.

"Are you in pain?"

"I wouldn't tell you if I was. That ain't very manly."

I do not understand why this man is so smitten with me, but he doesn't take his eyes away from me while I tend to his wounds.

"You by yourself?"

"No. I have a much larger group."

"You should reconsider. Stay with us. I'd treat you good."

" **Well**."

"Well, what?"

"Nothing." I don't mean to come across rude, but certain grammatical errors really annoy me.

When he gets to his feet, it's revealed just how massive Butcher actually is and I find myself thankful he didn't try to harm me. He stands at an impressive six foot five. "You should at least meet the rest of us before you say no."

"I will agree to that." It's a selfish purpose because it will be dark within the hour and shelter will be welcoming. Shelter might have been quite the understatement. It's a rundown gas station with a large awning where the gas pumps used to be. Hmm.

That girl is **still** naked. "Please," she begs a heavily tattooed man.

"Grimm, how many times do I have to tell yo-" The man stands when he sees me enter the camp with Butcher.

Grimm lets out a sigh, folding her arms.

"Who's this?" The man asks.

"Her name is Sorry," Butcher laughs.

"My name is Alice."

"Oh, so she does have a name after all."

"Fuck her name, there's more important matters here," a voice behind me says. I noticed him on the roof of the station as we got closer to it. He flashes me a mouthful of teeth, resting his rifle against his shoulder. "Where'd you come from, love? And don't bullshit us. You're well groomed. That means you've got a camp somewhere."

"Don't mind Dalton," Butcher speaks up, putting himself between Dalton and me.

"Alright, you burly fuck, I get the point." Dalton ascends back up the ladder to the roof.

Butcher is rather burly, although, Dalton isn't that much shorter. I suppose it's Butcher's demeanor, well, and his appearance.

"I'm King," the man finally introduces himself. He points back at the girl. "That's Grimm."

"I have no qualms with being naked around others, so don't ask me to put on clothing on your behalf. I do what I want, when I want."

"That's what we love about you," King simpers.

Perhaps she'd feel differently if these men had malicious intentions. "You've survived this long just the four of you?"

"We had others come and go, but, yeah. It's easier with just a few people. And there's six of us. I'll introduce you to Church. He's been taking care of Laura. We can't seem to get down her fever."

"Was she bit?"

"No. My thoughts at first, too, but I think it's pneumonia."

Oh, pneumonia. That is not something I wish to have ever again.

"Laura's fever is getting worse," Church informs King when we step into the station. Church is the least menacing of the group.

"Are we out of antibiotics?"

"Yeah, for months now."

"Here." I give them the ibuprofen from my bag, though this will do little for her if they don't get her antibiotics.

"Thanks, that's real kind of you."

"I'm from a much larger group. If you'd be willing to join us, we have the means to save Laura."

"No. We make our own way."

"Butcher, I got one," Dalton huffs.

Butcher claps his hands before rubbing them together and leaving.

"Alice, you're welcome to stay as long as you'd like," King offers.

"Thank you, though I must be on my way in the morning." I don't follow King from the gas station, and instead stay with Church.

He's eager to talk about his research and devices he's constructed out of junk.

I don't mind the conversation. Perhaps, if I can get him to trust me and with Butcher on my side, the group will be more adamant to return to Sanctuary with me. I can see potential in all of the members.

Even though Dalton is immature, he's serious as the group's protector.

Butcher is efficient with every weapon he seems to touch.

Church's intellect surpasses most.

Laura is the group's mechanic.

King has several key survival skills, and excellent navigational skills.

Grimm aids in assisting Butcher forage for food as well as their main scavenger.

I feel guilty eating their food, but I don't want to see rude, so I join them for dinner. Thankfully, Grimm has found a pair of leggings and some loose top by now. After dinner, I expected them to retire into the gas station. Instead, the garage door is opened. There's a pickup truck in the garage. In the bed of the truck it's lined with pillows and blankets.

King explains that if an unexpected situation arises in the middle of the night, they need to be able to leave in a hurry. Being in the truck, it makes for an easy getaway.

Butcher has stayed by my side most of the evening, so it's no surprise what slithers from his mouth. "You can sleep next to me if-"

"I'm going to stop you right there. Please do not mistake my kindness for romantic feelings. I am not interested."

"I like a woman that's to the point."

He's not going to like it when Negan intervenes, and for his safety, he's wise to stop. I briefly contemplate sleeping in a tree like I have the last few nights.

"Let Alice have the corner," Butcher tells Dalton.

Dalton looks my way. "Alright, love, fight me for it." He brings his fists up some.

He… he wants me to fight him?

Butcher puts me behind him. "Fight someone your own size, motherfucker."

"No, goddamn way. She can have the corner, you burly fuck."

* * *

The night is difficult for me. I have time to dwell on the current situation. It's a little better when I've been sleeping in the infirmary, but all the way out here, all I can do is worry about Negan. I carefully climb out of the truck so I don't disturb them. Grimm and Dalton are missing, though I have a pretty good idea of what they're doing. I catch a glimpse of it when I try to sneak off into the woods. At least, they're courteous and left the truck. There's another secluded area on the other side I take advantage of.

"Alice?" Butcher kneels down next to me. "Are you okay? Do you miss home?"

I'm embarrassed, but I can't stop my tears. "I fear for someone's life."

He has a seat and puts a hesitant hand on my back as a comfort.

I appreciate his silence. He wasn't telling me that he was sorry, or trying to tell me something similar he went through to make me feel at ease. He just let me cry.

"I'm going to take you up on your offer. To come back with you to your place. Dunno if the others will, but you can count me in."

Kid is an excellent hunter, but to have Butcher on her side they will be able to accomplish so much more. "You'll be a great asset."

"Do you have a lot of people at your camp?"

"We don't have a camp. It's a factory, and there are sixty-eight of us. Well, sixty-eight and a half."

"How do you have half a person?"

"One of the girls is expecting."

"It was... a joke. Like... never mind," he reddens. "You like it at your place?"

"Yes. We are on a point system. You work for what you have, and exchange them for goods every week."

"Sounds strict. Your leader one of those pain in the ass types?"

"Yes." I break my stoic gaze and laugh.

"I don't know why we're laughing," he grins.

You will when you meet him.

...

"Bye, Officer," Grimm snickers.

"I'm going back with Alice," Butcher informs them.

"What?" King rises from the campfire.

"Look, this system was fine at first, but we can't survive the six of us. We're not getting any younger, that's for damn sure. You should consider Alice's offer. If they have the medication for Laura, and you don't go, that's on you when she dies."

Grimm makes her displeasure known. "We ain't even going to vote about this?"

"Vote if you want, I'm telling you that I'm going back with Alice. I don't want to constantly fucking worry if I'm going to wake up to the biters hovering over me. I want a roof over my head. I want a family."

"A family?" Dalton scoffs.

"Shut up, Dalton," King intervenes, then turns back to Butcher. "You're my best friend. Shit, we've been through everything together since we were five. If you feel that strongly about it, enough to leave, then we'll go."

"No," Grimm yells. "I don't want someone telling me what to do."

"I tell you what to do all the time."

"That's different, King," she pouts, stamping her foot.

I roll my eyes skyward. Another Rachel.

"Will you really help Laura if we come with you?"

"Yes." Perhaps Negan won't agree with my choice to give medication to outsiders, but I will not let someone senselessly perish.

"I want to go with Alice," Church tells them. "Laura would, too."

"You know me, I'm a nomad. Makes no difference to me. I'll start packing the truck."

With the addition of Church, and now Dalton, it seems the only one not in favor of the move is Grimm. I noticed the botany book that Grimm was reading earlier this evening. "We have a greenhouse."

"No shit?" She perks up immediately.

"I'm not deceiving you."

"Well… do you think I could work in it?"

"We put people in jobs they will excel at."

"Alright, I'm in."

"So it's settled," King starts, "we're going home."

...

I know the drive up to Sanctuary gates made even Butcher rethink his decision, but once they realized the benefit of the dead, things start to fall into place.

Grimm jumps out of the back of the truck. "Oh my god, they have electricity!"

"Butcher, get Laura."

"Yeah, I got her."

Dwight notices the new arrivals. "I was worried about you. You've been gone for days."

"Thank you for your concern. I had some matters to attend to."

"Is that girl bit?"

"No, she has pneumonia."

"Which way to the infirmary, Alice?"

"I'll show you. Dwight, would you mind helping the others?" It's strange to order Dwight around, not that I would undermine his position, but I don't believe he took it that way, nor was that my intention. "These are our Doctors. Harlan and Nicole," I inform Butcher.

Before Butcher can even put Laura down, he notices Negan. "That guy alive?"

"Yes. He sustained several life threatening injuries he's recovering from." It's not the way I wanted any of King's group to meet him, but I introduce Butcher to Negan. I thought for sure that Butcher would come to the conclusion that I am with Negan because of my comment that I feared for someone's life, but he's rather dense. Even asking me which room is mine.

He laughs it off when he sees how uncomfortable I am. "So, uh. Dinner? Or you gotta spend points to eat?"

I brought these people into Sanctuary, and no matter how much I want to stay with Negan, I feel a responsibility to them to make sure they are taken care of.

* * *

There's no one in the infirmary right before dawn. I shut the door and draw the curtain to give me privacy with him. It's difficult to do it, but every day I make sure that he has a fresh pair of clothing after I try my best to sponge bathe him, then comb his hair to perfection. His nails need trimming which I also tend to. I wipe my tears and give him a smile. "All… clean…" As I start to open the curtain, I can't leave. It's an inane thing to do, but I lie next to him minding all the tubes and wires connected to him. His scent is faint these days. I don't want to hurt his ribs, so it's a short-lived embrace. It's time to start my day, and a busy one at that. I tuck my hand in his. "I'll be back in a-"

His fingers twitch against mine.

This is a common occurrence for coma patients, so I don't get my hopes up. "I'll be back in a-"

_**Twitch.** _

"Negan?!" The monitor shows that he's still has a pulse. "Please hold on, Lout," I cry, hurrying from the infirmary to the courtyard. My chest is so tight, I am barely able to catch my breath.

Vasquez lightly touches my back.

Compose yourself, Alice. These people must be oblivious to your feelings for Negan. "I required a bit of air," I respond.

He gives me a warm smile. Vasquez doesn't wear his face mask when we're alone. He oddly fairs a striking resemblance to Negan, both size and appearance.

I've never asked why he feels safe around me, especially because he knows I'm not law enforcement. "Vasquez, you don't remember anything about your escape from the Syndicate? The location? Landmarks?"

He shakes his head no. However, he informs me of something that he has not shared with the rest. The Syndicate do in fact recruit for their group, but they have a meticulous way of doing it. Maybe he sensed my intentions to infiltrate their group because he asked me not to get any ideas before changing the subject.

"Oh, it's, uh," I stammer, fighting to keep these emotions from surfacing. "I don't know where it is. The Syndicate ambushed us and it was left behind."

Vasquez unzips his vest, then places it around me.

"No." It's ridiculous on me being it's made for a two-hundred and forty pound man, and despite my protest, he zips it up. Perhaps, it was a culmination of everything that caused me to break character. **Again**. It's becoming more frequent of a habit. Charli would be relieved to know I'm capable of such a thing. I just feel inadequate. "I'm fine. Please, I'd feel better if you'd take the vest."

He's quick to return before I can argue any further.

As I look the vest over, I know I must not come back to Sanctuary unless Lucille accompanies me. I pack a small bag, setting Vasquez's vest outside his door. In case I do not return to Sanctuary, I stop by to visit with Charli. Once again, my emotions are compromised. "I am trying so hard to be the woman everyone needs me to be but I am failing. I couldn't fix our father. I didn't protect you. I can't save Negan." Alice, you fool. Stop this! I recall simpler times with Charli to ease my mind.

"You're leaving again?"

"Yes," I respond to Cosworth's question.

"I won't allow you to go alone."

"I won't burden you."

He laughs, sinking his hands into his pockets. "What is it that you're looking for?"

"Lucille."

"Oh…"

"I want her to be by his side through this. I have to find her."

"Where did you get separated from her?"

"By a large body of water near a junkyard. I've taken the liberty of marking all junkyard locations. This is my last location."

"Then we'll find her," Cosworth smiles.

We **must** find her.

...

"You're filthy." I brush the sleeve of his white dress shirt off some.

"It's inevitable, really, but it doesn't make it easier to accept."

"I agree."

"You should wear your nice things, Alice. It's not ideal out here, but in Sanctuary there's no reason you can't dress how you want."

"I feel safer desexualizing myself."

"Who would be stupid enough to mess with you being with Negan?"

Is my relationship with Negan really that obvious? "Men have tried because I'm with Negan."

"I'm sorry to bring it up."

"I understand what you're saying, and I appreciate it."

"May I ask what attracted you to Negan?"

"His colorful dialogue."

"Private, I understand."

"That was an attempt at humor." I do trust Cosworth, so I will open up to him. "While my feelings for him are private, my reasoning's for being with him are not. Negan is the ideal mate in multiple aspects. We have a mutual respect for each other. His arrogance challenges mine which is stimulation of the mind that I require. With Negan there is room to grow, advance, excel."

"Thank you."

"I do not understand."

"Confirmation that Rachel and I are not suitable companions."

"That's unfortunate, especially considering the child."

"She deceived me with the pregnancy. An attempt to prolong our relationship."

"Pathetic," I snarl, opening my map. It's lowered as my eyes shift up to him. "Do you need to speak more on Rachel?"

"As in my feelings about it?"

"Correct."

"No. I have no feelings about it."

"Very well."

"Alice?"

"I am still listening."

He forces the map down some. "I've always admired how you deal with hardships without any complaint. Your intellect is stunning, and intimidating."

"As is yours. You saved Negan's life."

"We all did, but truthfully, you saved his life. I don't just mean now. He's not the same without you, and you don't need my intellect to notice."

Hearing his words brings me great comfort.

"I never thanked you for taking me in, Alice."

"You did."

"If I did, it was to appease you all so I wouldn't be left behind. I'm telling you now, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Much farther?"

"We're less than half a mile from our destination." We're both exhausted, but get a second wind.

"What was Charli like?"

"Puerile, somewhat abrasive, and always infuriating."

"Sounds like Negan."

"Yes, Charline was a female personification of Negan, and I loved it." I stop as tears trickle down my cheeks without warning. "I apologize for not being in control of my emotions."

"I hope you find comfort in me saying you may have lost your family, but I consider you a part of mine."

"Yes," I smile, "and I enjoy that bond with you."

He wipes my tears, and returns the smile, though to be fair, Cosworth always has an amused expression.

An admirable trait he possesses that I cannot. My brow furrows as I spin on my heel. "I don't understand. It should be right here." It's like we're on top of where the body of water should be.

"Perhaps we should camp here for the night and start fresh in the morning?"

Yes, he is the voice of reason that I'm struggling with at this moment because of my persistence to find Lucille.

"There. By the ivy."

This is most troublesome. According to the map, this is the location. I know that I didn't- "Cosworth," I panic, shoving him out of the way.

The dead pour out of the ivy by the dozens.

"Alice, run!"

I launch my knife, killing one of the dead near Cosworth, and attempt to yank the other one from him.

The brute weight from it sends it back on me. As we both fall to the ground, the ledge gives away, and we fall forty feet down. The dead absorbs most of the impact from the fall as it explodes when it reaches the bottom. It's the hidden spring we've landed at.

"Alice," Cosworth's voice echoes.

It's the last time I hear his voice. I'm fading in and out of consciousness as I watch several of the undead fall from the cliff. I notice Lucille on the other side of the water, but I'm unable to move, and I can't feel my legs. Is it possible the fall has paralyzed me? I wail from the excruciating shooting pain in my back when I attempt to drag myself across the sand. The undead are closing in from all sides. Negan is familiar with this area. When he wakes up from his coma, he will come looking for Lucille. My only hope is that they consume me entirely so that Negan's last memory of me isn't finding my body partially devoured by the dead.

* * *

**A/N** **If you are caught up with the comics, yes, I've introduced Laura (former Savior and possible love interest of Dwight) in this chapter. Not much is known on her, so I'm just making her up as I go along. With the addition of King, Butcher, Grimm, Church, and Dalton, this completes the Stigmatic family. I know I have a piss load of OC's and they are hard to keep up with. Sadly, with the addition, comes death, and there's going to be some painful death's on the way.** **I know it's been a while since I've updated, but I just had to figure out the direction I wanted to go with this.** **My original plan for this chapter was to kill Alice and Negan, then mark Stigmatic complete because issue 156 made me question my Negan being OOC. I get pretty discouraged about this story a lot of times. Thanks for bearing with me while I fleshed everything out.**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N This chapter is also from Alice's point of view. I didn't want to post another 25k word chapter so I split it with the last one.**

* * *

_Why can you not say what is in your head?_

_Why can you not stop saying what is in yours? If I want to speak I will open my mouth and speak. Everyone is forever plaguing me to speak further. Why? What good is it to tell you you are in my every thought from the time I wake? What good can come from my saying that I sometimes cannot think clearly or do my work properly? What gain can rise of my telling you the only time I feel fear as others do is when I think of you in harm? – The Village_

* * *

"Lucille!" Where is she? Not after all my endeavors. She doesn't belong to anyone but Negan!

_Alice, you don't have to spend your points for anything you put in this bag._

_I- I may pick anything?_

_If it'll fit._

_May I have this?_

_What the fuck?_

_She fits._

_I'm going to fit you in that fucking bag._

The dead braces my arm as I ready myself to be devoured. Its head comes clean off, launched across the sand. Lucille, once again, has saved my life. The sun is blinding as I squint my eyes to her handler. Is it my protector? Has he come for me? "Negan?"

The man comes into focus, cupping my cheek.

"You're unscathed," I smile at Cosworth. I was certain he had perished.

"I know I'm not my dad or Negan, but I'm here. I survived, just like they did. The same goes for you, Alice."

"Thank you for saving my life."

"Are you able to stand?"

"My back," I whimper.

"No, don't move. You could have serious injuries." Cosworth has retrieved my vest.

It will actually serve a purpose and act as a brace for my back.

"Is that too tight?"

"No. Thank you."

He takes my hand. "Get some rest. I'll watch over us."

The role reversal is almost ironic considering, a few weeks ago, Negan was the one who couldn't get to his feet from his injuries.

...

"It's shellfish you can't have, right?"

"Correct." I'm slow to sit up, but able.

"No, no, lie down. Here. It's hot because I don't think you'd find my method for cooling it sanitary."

I gratefully accept the walleye fish.

"We're lucky. That spring is fresh water. I apologize in advance, but I went through your things and you had a cup to boil water in so I've taken the liberty. Drink."

"Your survival skills are impressive."

"No. That's just life now. Anyway, I put Lucille in your bag for safe keeping."

"Are you able to operate a motorcycle?"

"It's simple enough."

"Negan's is across the way."

"Alice, you cannot get up. I know you want to get back to Negan, but we need to make sure that your back is alright."

"I dislike being treated like a child."

"Don't act irrational like one."

I expel a laugh a little more jovial than I should. "Fair enough, my friend."

"I, uh, couldn't help but notice you had several pieces of vintage medical equipment in your bag."

"They're for you, but slipped my mind entirely. I found them scavenging and knew your interest in objects like that."

"I ruined that surprise, huh?"

"I don't know about you, but I dislike surprises. I'm unsure how to show the proper emotion."

"Nah, that's just you not knowing how to show emotion," he laughs.

I suppose he's right.

* * *

After four arduous days, Cosworth and I arrive home.

"It's them! Open the gates," Hawkes shouts from the guard tower.

Our return is emotional for the other Saviors, though my stoic gaze detours most from showing their relief by an embrace. I've never realized just how loved I am by these people. It shows me that if something does happen to Negan I'd be selfish to take my own life. How could I make them suffer more than they already have by mourning my death? My soul purpose of survival has always been Charli. With her departure, and the possibility that Negan might very well be next, finding a new purpose frightens me.

Dwight carefully sets me on one of the infirmary tables.

"Thank you."

"We were all pretty worried about you. I would have gone with you if you just asked, Alice."

"Dwight, this was my burden."

"I'm sorry you think that." He says no more on the matter and leaves me with Nicole.

"No, get back here, Alice. I want to take a look at you."

I temporarily disregard her concern and shuffle over to Negan to place Lucille by his side. Maybe she will give him the strength to fight that I am unable to. I wreathe his fingers around her some. "There, Lout." My brittle voice is as weak as I am. Are we just delaying his suffering by keeping him alive with machines? I use the crook of my elbow to rid my tears before returning to the table. Nicole makes several attempts at small talk which I ignore because I need to concentrate on keeping my composure. Negan's appearance distracts me. No one has groomed him. At least, not to my liking. His stubble is starting to show again. I dislike his face when it's not entirely smooth.

"It's hard without an MRI, but from what I can tell there are no major issues."

"May I put my shirt back on now?"

"Yes. Do you want some alone time with Negan?"

"Please." This is the first moment in weeks that I do not have a task at hand-

Grimm startles me when she runs her fingers over the initials that were carved into my back. "I knew you were a freak. Fuck, it's always the quiet ones."

"Freak?"

"You probably got off on Butcher and me fucking, didn't you? I don't blame you. That man sure can use his-"

"Inappropriate."

"What does Negan think about another man's initials carved into your back," she snickers.

"Why don't you asked him? Ask him how he feels about the men who abducted, tortured, and continuously raped me for five hundred and seven days."

"Fuck…" Grimm parts her lips several times to speak, but begins to cry. "I'm sorry, Alice. That's fucking horrible." She unties her jacket from her waist and slips it on. "Guess I just like the attention from the men is all."

"There will come a day when you won't."

"Do you think there's some spare clothing in the supply room?"

Helping someone with my experience is something I never fathomed. It makes me realize that maybe I shouldn't be so secretive about things. "Yes. If you'll speak to Carson. Please tell him that he can deduct from my points for the clothing." I didn't do this for her gratitude which she continually repeats herself before finally leaving the infirmary.

Now, Nicole has chimed in on my offer to Grimm.

I just want my alone time with Negan…

* * *

I nod off, then spring my eyes open wide. It's becoming immensely difficult to stay awake. It doesn't help that, for the last few nights, I've been distracted by the sounds of, well… let's just say that Nicole and Rachel have settled their differences. Why they can't step out of the infirmary to do so is beside me. The rain has moved in, dimming the infirmary. This is the ideal day to spend with Negan and a book.

Kid clutches her lesson book. "Are you sad, Alice?"

"Yes."

"Is it because of Negan?"

"I fear for his life."

Kid wrinkles her brow. "I hope he dies."

Nicole slams her clipboard on the counter. "What the fuc-"

"Language!"

"Alice, did you hear what she said?"

"Kid is entitled to her opinion." I turn to face her. "Why do you wish that on Negan? He has done right by you."

"I **hate** him!"

"There will be no place in your vocabulary for the word hate. Do you understand me?"

"Yes. I'm sorry... it's just… you love him, but he doesn't love you."

"Then by that logic, don't you believe if he were to perish that I would be inconsolable?"

"I don't know what inconsolable means."

"Now you have your lesson for today."

"I don't want to learn!"

"Foolish choice. Go feel sorry for yourself someplace else."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Go!"

Her lesson book comes down hard on Negan's shin before she runs from the infirmary.

"You handled that really well. You and Negan going to try to have children?"

I find this question rude for two reasons. The first is because it's no one's business. The second is because if I tell her no she will continue to make comments on how I will want them someday blinded to the fact that I am unable to conceive. Which is also no one's business. Perhaps this is why people find me unapproachable because I easily disconnect from conversation when I no longer get stimulation from it. Even though Negan frequently overstepped his boundaries, there were several times he knew when to cease communication.

Nicole mistakes my silence as being upset about Negan.

I don't correct her.

She does inform me that Negan's condition is improving.

He's still unconscious. How is that improvement? Although, she does remove the tube from his throat because he no longer needs to be on the ventilator. I excuse myself to weep in the confines of the parlor bathroom. His mass is already started to decrease significantly. I'd say he's down, at least, forty pounds. The thought of him frail and lanky upsets me even further, throwing me into a full blown panic attack.

...

I hurl another knife at what would be the genitals of the undead on the fence who attacked Joanna. They've become a nice means to practice on. On my next knife, Butcher grabs it mid-flight. "Unbelievable…"

"You're telling me. This is how you kill the biters?"

"Yes."

"That's amazing, Alice. Will you show me?"

"Very well."

As he retrieves my next knife, Butcher flips it around in his hand before bringing it up some to his face. "Shit. You, uh, you belong to the leader, huh? Negan you said his name was?" Butcher points to the N engraved on the knife.

Belong. Yes, I rather enjoy that phrasing. "Correct. I am his."

"As if I stood a chance," he laughs.

"I do not understand."

"My mistake."

"Are you not with Grimm?"

"Who isn't with Grimm?"

"Is it your desire to be with her?"

"Nah, she's a sport fuck. I don't want a woman like that. You got a sister?"

"She perished."

"Goddamn, I just keep putting my foot in my mouth. I meant that as a complement, because I'm so taken with you."

"I would advise not to be so forthcoming around Negan. He is very possessive."

"Believe me, even unconscious that big motherfucker scares the fuck out of me. I'll stop coming across so weird."

It's relieving to hear he's intimidated by Negan's current size that, not but an hour ago, I was in complete hysteria about. "You're not weird."

"Really? Nothing at all?"

Perhaps his eyes are a bit unsettling. "Are those contacts?"

"Nope. Tattoos."

"In your eyes?"

"Yeah, it burned like a motherfucker though. Before the outbreak, women loved it. Now, well, wish I knew the world was going to go to shit. Women aren't exactly looking to settle down with a guy that looks like a biter."

"If a woman cares for you, she will look past the tattoos."

"You really think that?"

"Negan did."

"You have tattoos? Is that why you wear long sleeves?"

Like with Grimm, I find myself forthcoming about my past to help him. I show Butcher the mutilation on my wrists. "This isn't the entirety. My body is mutilated and scarred. Negan looks past my shameful stigma. I believe I know someone that would do the same for you." Despite my anger towards her for touching what is mine, even though he wasn't mine at the time, I introduce Butcher to Molly.

She flushes a shade of red I'm familiar with when speaking to Negan.

I leave the two of them to become acquainted. Perhaps because I brought them into our home I feel a certain responsibility, and check on the others.

Church is on the roof with Cosworth as the two are looking over blueprints they've devised.

While I do not excel in mechanics, I am eager to learn, and I'm fortunate they give me the opportunity to do so before the rain starts again.

...

I quickly wake to find Kid in my arms.

She's been eagerly awaiting this moment. "I learned that inconsolable means you can't be comforted."

"I am proud of you."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No. I am harsh with you because you must be strong. Especially, as a woman in this world."

"You… you think I'm a woman?"

"Undeniably."

"I'm sorry for the things I said about Negan," she cries.

"Never apologize for the way you feel, but make sure that you know the facts before you come to a conclusion. Negan has his reasons for why he is incapable of love. I accept this, and do not take it as meaning he does not care for me."

"I'll use facts from now on. May I stay with you tonight?"

"You may."

She takes a moment to get situated before becoming defeated. "Sometimes this place makes scary noises. It's not like when I lived outside."

I rummage through my backpack and retrieve an antique Steiff bear. "I purchased this for Charline. You may put it with your possessions. I hope that it will bring you the same comfort it did her on sleepless nights." It's not easy to depart with, because I remember how excited Charli was to receive it. I enjoy keeping it with me as a way to stay connected to her. Perhaps that's silly.

"For me to have?"

"Yes." Her reaction to the heirloom makes the decision easier as I live nostalgically through Kid.

"It's small like me," she giggles. "Thank you."

"You are welcome."

"I love you."

"I love you, as well."

* * *

Normally, I would never be this forthcoming in front of someone, but I must speak with Negan, and Harlan is preoccupied with his task. "I had a night terror last night. You were one of the dead. I couldn't bring myself to end your existence, so I secured you in the shed. You became docile when I plied out your teeth. Sometimes, I would even curl up with you only you were cold. You're never cold. Worst of all, you were quiet. If I found myself lucky, you'd emit some type of moan. Those were good days. Truthfully, Negan, if something happens to you I find myself contemplating keeping you as my own." I hang my head as tears dampen the sheets.

"As long as you try and fuck me once," his husky voice replies.

I cover my face and sob into my hands as his name gets caught in my throat.

"Negan," Nicole shrills, throwing her arms around him.

I'm quickly moved aside by other Saviors eager to know Negan is awake. I- I didn't even get to see his face! I fight to void all emotion, and struggle doing so. Couldn't we just have a few moments before he's bombarded with embraces from the others? "Please, let me see him!" My cries are in vain. "Step aside!" I just want to see his face! To look into his eyes and have certainty that he's not one of the dead. There's no way through this herd. I'm a child again trying to force my way through the crowd to see the show. I'm starting to become claustrophobic. My chest is tightening.

Negan's voice carries over the commotion when he calls out my name.

"Yes- yes, Sir?" A small path is cleared for me. This isn't how I imagined our encounter to go. I'm angry I have to share him, and bolt from the infirmary. My feelings for Negan are private. I won't be the center of attention put on display for others to watch.

"Alice," Kid calls. "Don't you want to see Negan?"

"I want to let everyone else visit first."

She studies my face. Her ability to read people is quite impressive. Kid hurries back to the infirmary. "Undead broke the fence," she shouts. "There's so many of them!"

The Saviors funnel out the small door and down the walkway.

She smiles up at me. "Did I do well?"

"Yes," I tear up, running my fingers in her hair.

"Go on," she points.

Nicole is checking his vitals. "Your pulse is really rapid."

His worn dark eyes lock on me. "Thank fuck you're safe."

It pulls goosebumps to my skin. That's right, this is his first time to actually see me as well. I want to be strong, to just be what everyone always refers to as 'Alice', but it's impossible. "Negan," I whimper, choking on my cries. What I think is the chance to be held turns out to be his lips flush against mine. Oh, gosh! We're a spectacle!

He's equally as private about his affection for me but he seems to have no reserves.

I blush when his tongue sweeps mine.

He grunts, pulling away from me. "The... fuck?" Then comes an uncomfortable moan.

I press my hand to his ear like a child telling a secret. "You have a catheter," I whisper.

"Get it the fuck out," he orders Nicole.

She's in a catatonic state, as are the original other four wives.

Negan snaps his fingers. "Now!"

Joanna blinks in disbelief. "Did- did we just witness the first kiss?"

"Not that it's anyone's motherfucking business, but no. Everyone, out, or I'm going to fuck Alice in front of you all, too."

Lord, please give me the strength not to put this man back into a coma.

"Nicole, deal with this shit."

"That was always your biggest rule," Rachel stammers, "the kissing."

I dislike when people talk like I'm not present in the room.

"No," Negan instructs, locking his fingers around my wrist as I try to escape. "I'm going to count to five," he shouts at the other girls.

They don't challenge the Savior leader any further.

Nicole gathers herself, and quickly puts on a pair of nitrile gloves. "I'm not sure how painful this will be, but it will sting for sure."

Negan arches his bottom lip upward at me. "Will you show me your tits? As like a distraction. Please, Numbers?"

The thought of him in further agony disregards my reservations. "Very well."

"No, don't. The last thing you need is an erection," Nicole scolds him.

"This is fucking humiliating."

I agree, and we so desperately need our time alone.

"I know," he tells me, as if he can read my thoughts. His knuckle brushes my cheek.

Patience is not a strong suit of mine much to everyone's belief.

"There," Nicole smiles, lowering the sheet.

"Thank fucking Christ. That was fucking awful. I'd rather piss my pants for future fucking reference."

I almost lose my stale expression and laugh. Patience is not his, either. "I will retrieve you clean clothing."

"How dirty can this shit be?"

"If I'm ever unable to take care of myself, you better change me every day."

"Getting you naked is always the first thing on my mind."

He's asleep when I return so I have a seat on my pallet in the corner of the room. This is not how I imaged our reunion to go, and pathetically cry myself to sleep. I miss him...

* * *

"Are you out of your fucking mind? No! Now, get her off the floor. I'm going to my room."

I flutter open my eyes. "What's the issue?"

"They want me to stay here another fucking week. No. I'm not doing it. You're asleep on the floor like a goddamn dog."

I still his flailing hand being wave in frustration. "With your injuries, perhaps you should reconsider."

"Please," he mutters as if I'm betraying him by siding with Nicole.

There is a look Negan has that can bring me to my knees. He's almost pouting, but it's more of an expression of him not comprehending why the situation isn't in his favor. "Nicole, what is another option?"

"He's free to leave any time, but he can't even sit up on his own."

I have an idea.

"Ow, fucking fuck, gentle, you fuck," Negan grunts.

"Kuzma." I imitate cradling a baby.

"Pussy," Kuzma laughs at Negan.

"Fuck you," Negan groans.

I fold my arms displeased. The ten English words this man knows and one is filthy. Ugh.

"No," Negan dismisses Nicole before we make it into his bedroom.

"I'll get Harlan," she smiles.

This is one of the reasons I have such adoration for this man. I am part of an exclusive world that very few know.

Harlan informs Negan of things he advises against doing while Negan grows increasingly agitated.

I don't understand why people are unable to read Negan like I am.

...

I set a fan in the window and plug it in. The noise from the fan is as comforting as the air circulation.

"Oh, fuck me, yes. That fan feels real motherfucking nice." He springs his eyes open. "Did you just plug that shit into the wall?"

"Correct. Cosworth was able to get the solar panels operational."

"Here I thought I'd have to give my most handsomest nut for electricity again. I'm going to hug the shit out of that kid."

"That's a rather excessive embrace."

"I'm going to excessively embrace you." He thrusts his hips once before regretting the sudden movement. "Fuck," he sulks.

"May I get you anything? Are you famished?"

"I'm horny. I wanna fuck you, but I can't. Every-fucking-thing hurts."

"I will perform oral," I flush.

"No, and I can't fucking believe I'm turning down having my balls licked, but come here."

Our moment has finally arrived, yet I find myself apprehensive to be at his side and prolong it with absurd questions. "What if I injure you further?"

He tilts his head to the side some. "That's not it at all. Alice," he frowns. "You don't have to be awkward around me. Not after everything we've been through." He's refrained from profanity.

"What if I lose you again?" I **finally** understand his reasoning for trying to push me away at the bar that day he told me about Lucille, and why he calls me Numbers. "I'm scared."

"To get close to me?"

"Yes."

"I need you."

"I've fantasized about this moment, but it's nothing like I anticipated."

"Even though it wasn't intentional they robbed us of it. That moment was ours."

"Precisely. I wanted to be the first thing you opened your eyes to. Does that make me selfish?"

"No, it makes you human."

Human. Subject to or indicative of the weaknesses, imperfections, and fragility associated with humans.

"But most importantly, it makes you motherfucking mine."

"Yes! I belong to you!"

"You're goddamn right you do."

The embrace that follows is not typical for either of us, though it is so desperately needed. His warmth! I tuck myself away against him.

"What you did back there at that warehouse, you saved us. **You**. The strength you have... you're a badass motherfucker."

He forces a giggle from me. "Thank you, Lout." I rather like this term of endearment I've coined.

Negan seems opposed to it. Or maybe he's constipated. "Lout?"

Oh, not constipated. Opposed. "I had little choice for my term of endearment."

"What the fuck is wrong with Numbers?"

"Nothing," I smile.

"You never smile. I wanna fuck you so bad," he pouts.

"I offered you my assistance."

"I don't fuck in bed. Sorry... that's not what I meant… I mean, it is, but what I'm saying is, no. Call me romantic as fuck, but I want to wait until I can forcefully put you against something to fuck."

"That sounds agreeable."

"You fucking nerd."

"You vexatious…"

"Goddamn, please don't fucking cry, Alice."

"I apologize for not being in control of my-"

"Stop. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. Fuck, if the situation was reversed, I would have lost my goddamn mind watching you unconscious like that. Look, that shit about you keeping me as one of those undead fucks and sleeping with me at night was pretty fucking hard to hear." He pauses briefly and turns his head. "Yeah. It **fucked** me up." Negan doesn't speak for half an hour. I'm certain it's so he can gather his composure because his eyes stay glassy the entire time. Like at any moment, this façade would crumble and he'd completely lose himself.

Perhaps I should give him the letter I wrote him. I found it easier to write what needed to be said, rather than just saying it to him. Though, I don't want him to worry that my safety was in danger. If he finds out I was willing to sacrifice my life to save his, I would never hear the end of it. Especially, after what he went through to save it. If I had any sense, I would have just washed it along with his pants that day. I suppose, for now, I'll keep the letter in my vest.

He entwines his fingers with mine. "Stay like this, okay?"

I worry I might injure him further, but I'm vulnerable right now and enclose the space between us. The position is uncomfortable, and even with the fan it's unbearably hot. It's apparent I won't get a full night's sleep. I wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

Negan has been asleep for over twenty four hours. I assure myself that his body needed the rest, and tend to the business I have planned today. One hundred and seventy-seven, one hundred and seventy-eight, one hundred and seventy-nine. I open my notebook and chart my steps. This new contraption they've built adds another fourteen steps until you reach the main exit. I'm uncertain of the purpose, though I'm concerned about it being an obstruction in an emergency. Anyway, now to sift through the medical equipment we brought home to see what is of use, and what can be turned to scraps or bartered.

...

"Alice, will this be alright?"

"Undeniable perfection. Thank you, Finn."

"Anytime."

I've traded points in exchange for Finn's carpentry skills. He's built Lucille a mount to place her in that will be displayed above Negan's bed. This will be a much suitable place to retire for the night than his end table.

Negan's stooped at the edge of the bed, holding his ribs.

"Do you require medical attention?"

"I'm just short of breath. Will you-" The vein in his forehead surfaces. "What the fuck, Alice?!"

Surely, this won't help his shortness of breath. Lucille is ripped from my hands and the display mount slips, crashing on the floor. Oh, no! No!

"You better fucking pray that one of my Lieutenants found her!"

That wouldn't technically be a lie.

"Do you realize you could have fucking died going after her?! Do you need a reminder of what happened?"

"Stop shouting at me!"

"Then don't be fucking stupid! What is this shit on the floor?"

"You tell me I am capable, yet you condescend every decision of my survival as if I'm deliberately seeking ways to cause you agony." My departure is briefly halted as I cling to his door knob. "It's a display case I had built for her. I thought she deserved a spot above the bed, but she may take mine next to you."

"Alice-"

The door shuts and I start for the roof. Negan will always see me as a liability. It hurts to know that I am weak in his eyes.

...

His wheezing gives him away before he appears as he trudges pathetically up the side steps.

If I had known he was going to follow after me, I would not have come up here. While I'm incensed, it's not my desire to further his affliction.

It takes him a moment to have a seat, like a dog circling in the same spot to get comfortable. "I'm not trying to be condescending. The truth is I'm pissed off at myself but I'm taking it out on you." He hunches over, pressing his elbows to his knees and hiding his face shamefully. "I thought the safest place you could be is with me, but I can't even protect you."

I don't know what to respond with, not that it's difficult to render me speechless. This is important to him and where I usually brush off his concern I want to be supportive. Perhaps I should tell him my feelings, and that I love him. My lips part but the words won't surface. No. It will probably only upset him. I inch closer to him, cautiously easing my fingers against his thigh.

It moves him from his stupor. "You brought her home and I just fucking shit all over that," he falters.

"I knew that you needed her by your side through this. To give you the strength that I couldn't."

"You are my strength, Alice. Not Sanctuary, not leading these people, not this goddamn war against the meat puppets, and not even Lucille. You."

My eyes spill with tears. Negan is rarely forthcoming like this, so I will relish this moment.

He tries to take in a breath, but clenches his jaw. "I think I broke another goddamn rib."

Well, it was nice for those brief few seconds. I doubt another broken rib is the issue, but there is no denying the misery he's in. "Moving, while painful, is beneficial for-"

"Numbers, cut me a break, please."

I place his hand against my chest.

He bellows out a laugh, but it seems counterproductive because it causes him more grief. Still, he appreciates my efforts, as well as the display for Lucille.

That is all I desired.

* * *

"Hey," Dwight smiles, fumbling with his crossbow.

I study the weapon briefly.

"Wanna try?"

"Waste of my time."

"Well, tell me how you really feel."

"I just did."

"It's a joke." Dwight pushes his eyebrows together.

"There's no need to... uh," I flush. "Are you... crying?"

"Sherry's gonna fucking leave me, Alice." He drops his crossbow, and sobs into his hands.

I pat his bicep three times. "There... there... there..."

"We've been trying to have children and there's something wrong. I can't get her pregnant. I'm not even a man."

"A man is not defined by his-"

"That's easy for you to say."

"No. It's not. I, too, am unable to have children. So by your definition, am I not considered a woman?"

"Why can't you?"

"I had cancer at a young age." Yet another piece of information I'm forthcoming about.

"I'm sorry."

"It is what it is. Do you feel comforted?"

"Not really. No offense."

"Perhaps this is because I am not your wife."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm sorry I lost my shit."

I let out a heavy sigh. "No, I am sorry if I dismissed your concern. Truthfully, there are times I feel broken not being able to conceive. Please do not disclose what I told you to anyone."

"You're secret is safe. I promise. You're lucky though being with Negan. He doesn't want kids. Sherry said he's really set in stone about it. You don't have that added pressure of him wanting them and you not being able to give them to him. Whereas I'm firing blanks and Sherry is constantly on my ass about it."

"Did she ever consider that maybe she is the one unable to conceive?"

He shakes his head no.

"That doesn't surprise me."

"What do you mean?"

"Sherry is quick to point out the mistakes of others. She's done this several times to Negan. Her last accusation of his alcohol intake almost costed their friendship. Frankly, if she insults his intelligence one more time, I cannot be held accountable for my tongue."

"Sherry thinks you hate her. She was right."

I grunt, snarling my lip. "I don't hate anyone. That," I put my fingers up, curling them down and back up, "word… is not in my vocabulary."

"You don't like her though."

"I dislike her, correct."

"Why? I mean, other than what you told me."

"I never would have burned you, Dwight. To fathom causing harm to Negan... it cripples me." Dwight pushes my tears from my cheeks. "In her mind, she was protecting her husband. I can sympathize with that, but I will never condone the abuse she had bestowed on you. She put Negan in that egregious position and that arduous burden on his shoulders. That is weight he has to carry, and we both know the kind of person Negan is. He blames himself for what happened. Just like when Vic raped me. Just like his past traumas. You were Negan's brother, Dwight, but she's ruined the trust between you. **This** is why I dislike her."

"Fuck. That day when Sherry told me everything I remember thinking I had hated Negan all this time for nothing. I sold him out to Rick when all he ever tried to do was protect my wife."

As I reach for Dwight, I'm shoved into the chain link, and struck twice in the side of the head. I turn around to one more jab to the eye.

"Stop it," Dwight yells, restraining Sherry.

I'm indifferent to the scuffle. I have no time for people who choose not to use their words to solve things, and leave entirely. Sherry has drawn blood, which I tend to in the infirmary before fetching dinner for Negan and me because I do not wish him to have ill feelings towards Sherry. "How are you feeling this eve-"

"Who fucking hurt you?"

I dislike lying to him, and brush his concern off.

"Come here." He inspects the side of my head. "I think you're bullshitting me."

"Will you please drop it?"

"If you let me put my tongue in your mouth."

I slide on his lap, eager to take him up on his offer. "Am I hurting you?"

He shakes his head yes, but holds me in place by my hips. "I want you."

"You need to heal." The closeness makes me reconsider. He's a big boy. He can decide if he's in pain. His tongue against mine always startles me, but knots my stomach in excitement. I reach between my legs and unbutton his pants. It should be of no surprise that we are interrupted. This has always been a constant throughout knowing Negan. It seems like every time we try to become close, someone is always opening a door and ruining any progression. I'm further annoyed to find that it's Sherry.

"I'm not done talking to you, Alice," she snarls.

"Sherry, please spare yourself the humiliation and leave."

"Humiliation? I just kicked your ass."

"You struck me from behind. You're a coward."

"You told me nobody hurt you! It was Sherry?"

I tried so desperately to avoid what's about to come from Negan's mouth.

"Sherry, get the fuck out," he snaps revolted. "How fucking **dare** you put your hands on what's mine!"

I touch his cheek. "Please," I murmur, "this is not your place."

His brow furrows in disappointment and I know it's because he feels this is the only way he can protect me being laid up like this. "Okay," he mouths, hanging his head.

I press my lips to his forehead briefly before addressing Sherry. "How much did you overhear?"

"That depends how much shit you talked."

"My intention is to find out at what point you inserted yourself into my conversation because I will gladly recap what you missed. I see no need to spare the feelings of someone I care nothing for."

"You're a bitch, Alice."

"Sherry, realize that not everyone is going to like you. It's not an invitation to attack the person's character. Grow up."

"Grow up? Really? Not a fuck you or anything?"

I am thoroughly unamused.

Sherry bites her lip before she starts to sob. "I'm leaving Dwight. I was coming outside to tell him when I saw you talking. It's not even you I'm mad at."

Negan snaps, and his anger is paralyzing. "Are you fucking serious? After everything I did for you? Here's your fuck you right here, Sherry!"

I have no interjection. Negan has every reason to be upset.

"I know, I'm sorry. When Alice made the comment that you carry this burden on your shoulders, it made me feel even more like shit."

"This is un-fucking-believable. Don't goddamn tell me you're leaving him for Marshall."

"This has nothing to do with Marshall. I can't get pregnant. I've known for years. It's not Dwight, it's me, and Alice called that out, too. I am manipulative, because I make Dwight feel like shit, and it's so easy. I'm done. We're just better off separated. I'm sorry I hit you, Alice. I really care for Negan, and to hear you hate me, it kills me."

"You said hate?" Negan whispers down at me.

"Inaccurate. I said dislike. Sherry, do not twist my words."

"What do I do to make you like me?"

"Is my acceptance that important to you? I'm beginning to think you have romantic love for Negan and that is the reason-" My face becomes blank. "Oh. That's why you're leaving Dwight. You have feelings for Negan."

Sherry nods, sobbing into her hands.

"What the fucking hell?! Is this a goddamn joke? Cause I ain't into it."

This is... there are no words. By Sherry beating Dwight down, she's hoping he'll leave her, so she doesn't have to be the bad guy. My acceptance would make her feel less guilty about her feelings for Negan. "Sherry, you need to tell Dwight everything."

"She doesn't need to. I've been outside the entire time," Dwight says, stepping into the parlor.

I am saddened for my friend, though he looks indifferent. There has to be unresolved issues in that relationship that stems further than not being able to reproduce. It's tragic to watch their marriage dissolve in front of us. In that moment, I even felt empathy for Sherry. The parlor doors slam, and the only sound is the buzzing from one of the fluorescent lights.

"Well... there goes my boner."

"I love you, Negan." If our life were televised, I'm sure this would seem comical to some, but I see no better time to tell him my feelings then right this moment.

He tucks some hair behind my ear. "I know you do, Alice, and I care for you very much."

I'm relieved that he took my confession so well. "I don't need your love returned. It's not why I said it. It's just foolish to think that there will always be another day to do so. Especially, in our world." Once again, I witness his eyes become glassy.

"What kind of a person does that fucking make me? Incapable of loving the one person that's deserving of it?"

"I would rather you never say it back to me, than say it to appease me."

"I have no doubt in my mind that you are the one for me."

My eyes widen with his approval.

"Don't look at me like that, please, Alice. I should fucking tell you this kind of shit every day."

"It wouldn't have the meaning that it does now."

"Will you smile for me?"

What's normal for most people just ends up being my mouth contorting as if I'm checking my teeth for food.

He, on the other hand, finds it comical. "When I'm better, I'm going to make all this up to you."

"As long as I never have to see stubble on your face again that will more than make up for anything."

"It doesn't take much to please you."

No. Not after what we've endured.

* * *

You'd think with my constant counting I would enjoy my time in the supply room. I find it absolutely maddening. The organization alone is infuriating. I spend more time straightening things than counting.

"Alice?"

I'm not greeted by Sherry's fist this time when I turn around. My eyebrow is actually quite swollen from her attack.

"I wanted to apologize before I left for the Safe-Zone."

"I do not accept your apology."

"Please."

"Running to the Safe-Zone is foolish. It will not solve your issues with Dwight. I know this because I, too, tried to seek refuge there. Only, if I had, I would have missed out on this extraordinary life I've been given."

"Why would you, of all people, try to talk me into staying?"

"Because if I were to perish tomorrow, you're the only person I feel confident that could talk Negan off the ledge."

"Oh, god," she cries, "that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

"It makes sense now why you are the way you are towards Negan. Being that you can't have children. Maybe it's not romantic love that you have for him but instead motherly instincts."

"I think you're right. Negan was there for me through a very dark time, and maybe I feel the only way I can pay him back is by taking care of him."

"He just wants you to be happy. That's all he's ever wanted for his wives."

"You are so strong, Alice."

"As are you, Sherry. Even though you have days where you are unable to physically move, your strength is your mental fortitude. Uh… You cry a lot."

"They're happy tears."

Hawkes clears his throat. "I apologize for interrupting, but have either of you two seen Marshall?"

While Sherry is quick to dismiss it, I am not. Marshall is prompt, and if he had prior engagements with Hawkes, I can only speculate he might be in trouble. I'm unable to locate Marshall in all of the common areas, including the one he frequents to smoke.

Like his duties before Sanctuary, Dalton has quickly taken on the role of protector for our group and I find him in the guard tower. "Say, love, wanna join me up here?"

"Did Marshall pass by here?"

"Yep," he shifts his toothpick to the other side of his mouth, "I'd say… ten minutes ago."

"Alone?"

"Uh huh."

"Thank you for your assistance."

"Alice, where are you going?"

I was unaware Sherry had followed me. "I fear for Marshall's life." Having little choice in the matter, I'm accompanied by Sherry. We don't stray far from Sanctuary before finding him. My attention is turned to the undead lunging for Marshall.

He doesn't make an attempt to subdue the creature.

I'm able to kill it before it bites him, but it's a close call.

Marshall has no expression on his face, though his cheeks are damp.

I know that look all too well, and judging by the wedding ring on the dog tag necklaces, it has to do with Jennifer. "Marshall?" I touch the tips of my fingers to his forearm.

"You shouldn't have killed it. That wasn't your place to interfere. You should have let me die!"

Sherry rubs the curve of his back. "Please don't make us bury someone else," she weeps.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye. She was just taken from me by that son of a-" He sobs into his palms

I am not the caliber person for this situation, and find myself grateful that Sherry has come.

She's quick to calm him. It's almost as if the two share an unspoken bond. I'm uncertain why Negan made the comment that Sherry would leave Dwight for Marshall, though watching the two interact, the idea is not far-fetched. I believe Sherry to have this situation under control, and return to Sanctuary.

Negan is rummaging through his end table.

"How are you fee-"

He abruptly slams the drawer shut. "Did you go through the things in my end table?"

"No."

"There's a cigarette box in there… are you **sure** you didn't open it?"

"I wouldn't deceive you."

"Like all the other shit you've lied to me about?"

"I am being truthful."

"Stay out of that box, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Don't yes Sir me, just stay out of it."

I've never seen Negan like this. I'm in trouble for something I haven't even done. I feel such a distance with him already and our failed attempt at intercourse isn't helping matters. "May I get you something to eat?"

"No. All I fucking do is eat like some gluttonous piece of shit."

Perhaps I'm trying to fatten you up.

"There's a goddamn rut in the mattress because I can't get my ass out of bed." He lets out a dramatic sigh. "Yeah, I'm fucking hungry. I keep craving all this fucking fuckery. Bullshit. Fuck! Leave me the fuck alone!"

"Very well."

...

His anger is out of control, and I am constantly getting the brunt of it. I'm being accosted for things I haven't done. Negan's reflection in the bathroom mirror startles me.

"Are you doing your hand washing thing?"

"You know I dislike discussing my tics."

"It's because of me, isn't it?"

I become inundated with emotion, blinking back tears. "All we've done is argue. This is difficult for me, too!" It's rare for me to raise my voice. "I don't understand why you act as if you're alone in this."

He drops his head against the crook of my neck, his fingers tugging mine from the water. "I feel so goddamn pathetic."

"You're injured. It's to be expected."

His lips purse against my skin.

Oh, now I see what he means. Of course. Not pathetic from his injuries, but because we haven't been able to be intimate and he feels emasculated.

"I want you so fucking bad."

I don't want to get my hopes up, but I need to feel him. While his hands running over me is enjoyable, I have a longing for more. "I want to ache knowing it's because you've ravaged me." I instantly feel his arousal against my back.

"Get the fuck out of here." His breathing is labored as his wide eyes stare at me in the mirror.

"Take me right here and do not ease into me. I'm not the fragile one."

"Yeah? You want me to fuck you fucking hard?" My pants are only stripped enough to allow him access. "You want me to fuck your little-"

"I will rectify this if you don't."

He lets out a grunt, bending me over the counter.

I anchor my feet, rocking my hips up to meet his thrust.

"I didn't think you'd take my dick that quick, you filthy fuck."

"There's not much to fill me with." I whimper when he takes my dishonest retort as a challenge.

"What's that?" While he is weak, there is one muscle that is not.

The following thrust raises my heels from the floor as I emit a winded gasp.

His hand coils around my hair followed by a snicker.

I'm filled again after a sharp swat to the rear. The position is uncomfortable the more excited he becomes because the more his weight is asphyxiating me. My knees will surely bruise from the force of contact with the cabinets. I love it. Slow and passionate; these things do not interest me. My undergarments around my ankles and the imprint of his hand on my skin do. There's no sensual rhythm here. Just his frenzy grinding and lascivious profanity. Watching his facial spasms in the mirror are another thing that arouse me. "Lout," I pant.

"Oh, fuck! I'm gonna-" His eyes slam shut as his lips part.

While thirty seven seconds isn't my ideal time for intercourse, it was enjoyable even though I don't find my release. I attempt to watch him erupt against my skin, but his hand is planted firm between my shoulder blades. I do take pleasure in his expression.

"Numbers," he hisses, gritting his teeth.

My hot breath fogs up the glass preventing me from seeing anything further.

He chooses to catch his by collapsing against me. "Shit, sorry about little Negan."

"It's alright."

"That was some filthy fuckery, though."

"Were you pleased with my lewd replies?"

"Yeah, you kinky fuck. I'm real motherfucking proud of you."

I shouldn't be satisfied with myself, but I am because I've made him elated.

"Shit, I just realized I'm lying on the spot where I shot my load, and I'm probably smothering you, huh?"

"Yes, your mass is suffocating."

"I'd like to suffocate you with something else." He takes hold on a generous amount of himself. "Oh, sorry." Negan cleans himself from me.

The thought is considerate even though I plan on showering. I look forward to the day we are able to do that task together.

He sags against the wall, tucking himself away. "I'm kinda fucking embarrassed I didn't last that long. Do you want me to finger you?"

"I wanted to feel a closeness with you. It wasn't about anything other than that."

"Well, if you require my assistance, my hands are clean."

"I don't doubt their cleanliness." He's the only man I've met that's just as anal about hygiene as I am, which I am grateful for. Maybe I'll consider his offer after my shower, only I find him asleep in his chair. I sit between his legs, resting my head against his knee. At least, this time, I know he'll wake in the morning.

* * *

Cosworth is leaning on the railing of the second level with his boot propped up on the lower part.

"Good day."

His lack of response is confusing. Cosworth has always greeted me with such a warm welcome, and most often before I can acknowledge him. Instead, he's heavily focused on Tim as the child plays with Mark, Amber, and Sherry. "Sometimes, I wonder if we're going to make it. Humanity that is."

I respond with a quote that stuck with me from the movie where the machine accompanied a boy. "It's in our nature to destroy ourselves."

"We must find a cure, Alice, and I think together we will be able to."

I tilt my head some at the child now impersonating one of the dead. "Do you think it's plausible that children born into our world might have immunities or antibodies?"

"I've thought about that, however, I was with a group where one of the women were pregnant. She gave birth to an undead. It was more gruesome than that, but I'll spare you the details. Anyway, they're infected like we are."

"I suppose it wouldn't be that easy." It confirms that our best option is to have someone infiltrate the Syndicate. While the group's actions are inexcusable, achieving their objective would be life altering. Still, I will not condone mindless killing. They must be stopped.

"What are you scheming?"

I insult his intelligence by deceiving him, though I should inform Negan of my intentions. "Enjoy your day." Negan is not going to take what I'm about to share with anything other than hostility, and I find myself a little hesitant to go in his room. Maybe he'll see my vision for once. When I open the door, he's trying to get into his pants but having no luck. "I'm certain you require assistance."

"Yeah? I think you might be right. In fact, I think you read my fucking mind. Get it? My fucking mind? Because I want to fuck you."

"I comprehend what a pun is."

"Tch. You ruin everything."

"That is my job as your partner."

"Yeah, you sure do like busting my balls."

"I don't understand that fetish."

"Fetish?"

"Women causing harm to men's testicles."

"What?"

"The videos on the internet."

"Okay, one, what the fuck is the internet, and two, how do you know about sex shit that I don't?"

"One learns quite a bit of filth from attending public school. Do you really not know what the internet is?"

"I mean, kinda, computer fucking nerd shit. I remember working at the shop and shit was starting to become more advanced. Instead of keeping records in books, they wanted us to log people's information on the computer. I hated the fucking thing."

"Oh, I assumed you had quite the collection of pornography on your central processing unit."

"Wait, so, you can look at the porno mags on the internet?"

"Possibly. I didn't use the internet for that. You could type in anything and it would come back with results."

"So, like, I could type in your name and the word naked and it would show me your tits?"

"Legality issues aside, no. What did you like about your magazines?"

"When they'd be all spread eagle and shit. Short nails. I don't want to be distracted by these fucking talons. Oh, and I liked it if they wore some type of jacket, but their tits were out, you know? Quick and dirty. Pale skin, no fucking tan lines."

"I was unaware you had such specific standards."

"Well, and don't fucking slap me, but pussy is pussy. If I have a say in it I do. Doesn't everyone though? What turns you on?"

"Your iliac crest muscles and deltoids."

"No, no. Not about me, about dudes."

"You're my only basis for comparison."

"You never looked at porn? Never creamed your panties passing the fire station?"

"No, and we are way off track."

"We're just fucking talking. Why does there have to be some goddamn agenda?"

"Fine. I did have an attraction to an older man once."

"One of your teachers?"

"No, he was a mechanic."

"Now I see why you get all horned up when I fix my bike."

"Stop. I never even saw his face."

"How the fuck did he turn you on then?"

"He wore navy coveralls, but kept the top portion tied around his waist so his deltoids were prominent." I still remember his physique. Negan is the only man that rivals the mechanic.

"Should have come to my shop. I was too claustrophobic for those fucking coveralls. I tied that shit off, too."

"Do you still have them?"

"Do I still have my dirty fucking uniform from a job over five years ago? I'm going to say, no."

"Unfortunate."

"You wanna fucking role play? The shop ain't too far from here."

"That would be agreeable."

"Alright, so, your panties are soaked watching this guy, what else?"

"They weren't soaked."

"Okay, so they were damp. Keep going."

I won't lie, they were damp. It scared me, like something was wrong. "This isn't upsetting you?"

"Of **course** I'm fucking jealous, but I wanna hear about my little prude Alice, fogging up the windows watching this fucking grease monkey."

"Unfortunately, my run-ins with him were brief. I did purposely deflate my tire in hopes he would be the one to assist me. When that didn't work, I disconnected my battery as a final attempt to seem in distress."

"What else about him? Tattoos? Beard?"

"Not that I observed. He wore his hair like yours. Drove a motorcycle. The rear license plate was crooked." I roll my eyes in annoyance. "M55D690 was the sequence of numbers and letters."

Negan shuffles to his armoire. "That shop called Tony's?"

"Yes. How do you know the name of the establishment?"

"Because, that was me!" He chucks the old license plate on the bed. "You fucking stalker!"

I am paralyzed with fear as my face burns red. I am mortified!

He runs his hand down his mouth. "Are you fucking with me? You see that plate in here before?"

"No." Now I've gone pale. Sick.

"Oh my god. This whole fucking time I'm thinking, there is no way a woman like you would ever take a second look at me in the real world, and you're disconnecting batteries and shit trying to fuck me."

This is humiliating.

"So, I live up to your ridiculous standards?"

"Yes." The small word is all I can murmur. I have never been so embarrassed.

"Your father was a fucking dick. I never personally talked to him, but Tony and Tim hated him."

"He said you all were incompetent."

"So, unless you stalked me any other times… that would be four times you came to the shop."

"There was another time, but you had the day off."

"You should have said something to me, Alice."

I come to the realization that maybe he could have stopped those men if I did.

His brow knits furiously. He is thinking it, too. "I could have stopped those men."

"We shouldn't dwell on it."

"Right, we'll just pretend it never happened."

I know he dislikes when I brush these matters off. We were having an enjoyable conversation! "Were you as brash back then?" I've managed to salvage the conversation.

"I was still pretty fucked up from Lucille. Joanna kinda brought out a human side of me because I was so far gone. I'd go see her, and well, you know." He clears his throat. "Men were always harassing her when she left the club. She had this piece of shit ex that I took care of. I'd walk her home, or to the bus stop. I felt like my life had purpose again."

This is the side of Negan that people don't see, that people assume does not exist.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought her up."

"The women in your past do not bother me. I am not jealous."

"You don't ever get jealous of Lucille?"

"I want you to know that I am genuine when I say that I have never been jealous about Lucille. I just want to fill the void she left you with, and even if I never do, I am grateful that you've given me the opportunity no one else has."

"You always say the most meaningful shit. I don't deserve you."

"Just like you dislike when I don't acknowledge your concerns, I dislike when you imply your efforts in our relationship are not worthy."

"I think you're just naïve and don't know any better."

"Lucky you then."

"Yeah, I am."

"Negan, there's something I've been contemplating. Before you respond, you need to really take a moment to consider the benefits of what I'm about to tell you. Vasquez said the Syndicate only recruit members if that person is found alone. After the offer is given to the individual, if the individual refuses, he or she is used a test subject. I want to be that individual. To volunteer to infiltrate the Syndicate's main base."

* * *

**A/N I've started another Negan fic. It's called 'Beautiful Tragedy' which you can find on my profile. Anyway, I don't know if I'll write from Alice's point of view again. I guess that's really up to you all.**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N** **Something uncomfortable I'd like to address. My story is NOT canon! Because, at the time when I wrote this, there was no canon. Everything had to be thought up, and even at this point in the comic, there are still a lot of unanswered questions about Negan and the Saviors. Negan making people sleep outside until they earn enough points, the point system I've devised, the Saviors jobs, Negan and Lucille's backstory, Sherry's illness, the Syndicate; these are my ideas. Negan's mannerisms like him not kissing his wives, or liking to be touched is actually because I don't like it, and I use Negan to help cope through certain issues of mine.** **Since these mannerisms are so personal to me, it pains me to see them used in other people's works.** **The name "the parlor" is probably the one that pisses me off the most. Why is this even used in other stories?** **Please be respectful of my work, and if you'd like to use a certain element that you aren't sure is canon, I'd be most grateful if you asked me first.**

**Now that that's over with, let's move on.** **I'm sorry this chapter took forever. I haven't had a lot of motivation to work on this lately.** **The end of this chapter is extremely violent and deals with sensitive subjects.**

* * *

"Are you out of your goddamn fucking mind?!"

"No. I am sane."

"After everything we've fucking been through?"

"Here it comes. By my statement, I am giving up on us."

"Fuck you!"

"Juvenile."

"Alice, I forbid you to leave."

**That** pisses her off, and shuts her down.

"Nothing? Just more haughty silence bullshit, huh?" I really try and see this her way, but I fucking can't. "You wanna fucking throw everything away, fine." I manage not to break my door, although it splinters in several places. If she's really going to be some Syndicate puppet, I better start severing my feelings for her because it's good-fucking-bye. That woman is strong, there's no doubt about it, except this is completely fucking different. I would never expect any of my men to volunteer themselves as some guinea swine for those psychopaths even if it means gaining the advantage. Goddammit.

* * *

Things between Alice and me continued to dwindle. If she spoke to me, it was to tell me she was leaving the bed to start her day. I either slept, or stuffed my face. My rut just got deeper and deeper in the bed. I usually pretend to be asleep when she comes to bed. We haven't said a word to each other in six days. She doesn't do me the courtesy of telling me she's leaving anymore. After two weeks, she just started sleeping in her nook. I know this is fucking ridiculous to fight over, and especially to this extent, but I'm standing my ground on this. Lucille really did end up taking her spot at night. Fuck. It's so goddamn pathetic, but I've grown attached to having someone fill that space. I started to wonder if things between Alice and me were over.

* * *

If I'm not gorging myself or sleeping, I'm consuming alcohol at an alarming rate. I chuck the empty bottle in the trash can, missing it entirely. While trying to clean up the mess, glass gets lodged into my hand. Like some pathetic fuck, I slump on the floor waiting for her to come clean me up, only she's not coming this time. I haven't seen her in god knows fucking when. Four? Maybe five days ago? "Fuck you," I mumble with an aggressive hiccup, and further my pouting by sliding my foot across the floor and kicking over the trashcan. "I want you to consider the benefits of what I'm about to tell you," I mock her. "It's so exhausting being intellectually superior. I'm so fucking smart."

" **Do not** put filthy words in my mouth."

"Go fucking fuck your-fucking-self!"

"You'd enjoy that."

"Yeah, I would, goddammit!" I dry heave, shutting my eyes to keep the room from spinning. "Thought you had some fucking suicide mission?" I open my eyes when my bedroom door shuts. What-the-Christ-ever.

...

"Just pull the goddamn glass out. Why are you being so motherfucking difficult?"

Nicole sighs, rolling her eyes skyward. "Who's the doctor, and who's the idiot that-"

"He's notably intelligent."

"Nicole, leave us," I demand, my gaze on Alice.

Alice stands at my feet. "This is foolish."

"You making that decision on your own is fucking stupid."

"It wasn't set in stone. I wanted you to consider the benefit-"

"Stop talking! Jesus I never thought those words would come from my mouth about you, but shut the fuck up! You are **wrong**. This is bullshit for you to come to me and drop this motherfucking bomb on me. I fucking hate the way you trivialize your life!" I watch her struggle not to defend herself. Instead, she just stands there and lets me rip her a new asshole for twenty minutes. It's fucking brutal, but goddammit!

Tears trail her cheeks with the occasional brow twitch, but she holds her tongue.

I know it's fucking hard to be put in your place, and she takes it. Not exactly the tongue lashing I want to give this woman. It's not even about me being in the right, oh and I fucking love to be in the right, but it's about her being this stubborn fucking woman. "Realize that your actions don't just affect you. Fucking tell me you're going to go stand on some abandon road and hitch hike back with those psychotic scalpel jockeys. Get the fuck out of here before I have a goddamn heart attack!"

...

When I return to the parlor, Alice is drying off from her shower. There's a new scar on her back. Fuck, I forgot she was shot, and it's because she took that bullet for me. Another fucking stupid decision of hers that only agitates me even further. My eyes trail to the initials carved into Alice's back. I would never tell her this, but the mutilation and scars really mess with my head. Especially, when she sleeps naked and her back is to me so it's a clear view of his initials carved into her skin. I often try and make up names that it could be. Sometimes I wonder if Donnie was that motherfucker because the initials start with a D, and how scared she was of him. All the what-fucking-ifs drive me in-fucking-sane. I grunt and start for the bed.

* * *

I pull in a lung full of air and look at myself in the mirror. What the fucking shit? As I turn to the side some, I release my breath and my stomach expands outward. You've got to be fucking fucking me! I'm a fucking salad dodger! That ain't my only problem area. I've got little man titties. "Alice!" Oh, Jesus Christ, what the hell am I calling her in here for? Of course she's prompt, but I slam the door before she walks in.

"I thought you required my assistance."

"I changed my mind." I can't let her see me like this! "No, wait, come back!" The knob turns, but I won't let her in.

"There seems to be an obstruction in the way."

Yeah, my tub of guts. "Just forget it."

"Is this because you're displeased with me?"

I sigh and set my forehead against the door. "Yes," I lie.

"I'm sorry."

I know you are.

"Will you let me in?"

"No." If I let her in, forgive her, and she decides to leave, I'm not going to be alright. I can hear her softly weeping on the other side. I'm sorry, but I can't allow myself to die with you in your suicide mission. "I think you should sleep someplace else tonight."

"When may I come home?"

I want to tell her never. I want to tell her to fucking pack her shit, but I can't, so I don't answer her and wait for her to leave. I'm not trying to end things with this woman. I'm trying to create that void so she can understand what it's like every time she devalues her life.

...

The bathroom door suddenly opens so I do the only logical thing. Suck in a breath and pray to Christ it ain't Alice.

"Negan?" It's Sherry. "Hey, I passed Alice coming out of Cosworth's room and she seemed upse- are you okay?"

I nod my head, and cross my arms against my man hams.

"Well, yeah. Like I was saying, she… why are you turning red?"

I try to shoo her out the door, but I'm about to fucking hit the floor. "Fuck," I breath, letting it all go.

What does she fucking do? She doesn't just laugh, she fucking starts poking at all my pudge.

"Ow, goddammit! I'm not the Pillsbury fuckboy!"

"Aww, I know you're fucking pissed, but you have never been cuter!"

"Cuter? The fuck?"

"Let me have those cheeks-"

"Wait, what do you mean you passed Alice? What are you doing on the seventh level if you ain't fucking Dwight?"

"I was on the way to see you."

"Bullshit. Sherry, I got enough goddamn problems without you starting shit between Marshall and Dwight. I told you to stay the fuck away from him."

"Marshall's not in a good place right now. I'm just trying to help him through this."

"And Marshall's gonna help Dwight down seven levels when Dwight comes after him for fucking you."

"Marshall wouldn't hurt Dwight."

"Really? Because he was ready to fight me about Alice when I got all in his face about it."

"Seriously?"

"It's a respect thing with Marshall. He doesn't like people threatening him. Which in all truth, and I'll fucking deny deny de-fucking-ny if you say anything, but Marshall was in the right. I told him Alice and I were done."

"Did they fuck?"

"Yeah, because I'd be this fucking indifferent if Marshall stuck his dick in Alice."

"I heard he's hung like a hors-"

"Sherry!"

"Who are you to dictate who I can and cannot see?"

"Can we not have one fucking conversation that doesn't result in wanting to strangle each other?"

"Like I could get my hands around your fat neck!"

"Fucking hilarious, bitch!" I'm not really surprised when she slaps the holy fuckedy out of me. I chase after her, leaning over the railing on the steps. "Sherry, I'm not done talking to-"

"Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wheezing, fatty!"

"Keep your fucking legs closed!"

"Fuck you, Negan."

"Fucking everyone **is** what you know best." One of these days, I swear to Christ, she's going to push me to a point where she's out on her fucking ass.

* * *

Even after four years, I still can't tell what Marshall is thinking. He's the only person I know that looks angry eating. Like he can't be bothered with such mundane shit. "What is that? It smells good."

He inspects the jar like he's forgotten what he's stuffing his face with. "Dunno. It was a gift."

"From Sherry?"

"How'd you know?"

"Call it intuition."

"You making her clean up after me?"

"No."

"She's adamant about it. I thought it was one of the perks of leading since that's what she does for you."

"That's because she wants to fuck you." I kid you not… this motherfucker shifts his eyes to me, then moves them back down entirely unfazed and starts sifting through the jar again. Just some fucking stoic grunt and, without missing a goddamn beat, starts talking to me about inventory. "Marshall, I'm fucking serious."

"Well," he starts, slinging one boot over his knee, "that explains **a** **lot**."

"You indifferent motherfucker. Like you're too good for pussy that's practically sitting on your face."

"I recall a similar situation with Alice a few months ago."

"That's what I told Sherry. That it was going to cause problems between you and Dwight."

"I don't have the fucking patience for this high school couple's skate bullshit." Hearing Marshall swear is rare.

"You don't have patience for anything, you punctual fuck."

"Seventeen years in the military does that."

"What exactly did you do?"

"I was a Ranger."

"No shit?"

"I don't do joking."

"Sherry said you're not in a good place right now. What's going on?"

"I tried to kill myself."

"I didn't realize things were that bad."

"I don't even know what I was thinking. Alice saved me right before the undead bit me. Suppose I just wanted to feel something."

"I did the same thing with an undead. It don't fucking seem like it, but it gets better, Marshall. I know losing Jennifer fucked you up. Believe me, I get it."

"I thought keeping it to myself would help. Guess it's good to talk sometimes."

"You been talking to Sherry?"

"Not really. She does all the talking while I sit there cleaning my guns. Been the last few nights now."

"Cleaning your guns? That a metaphor for something?"

"No."

"Negan, have you seen Mar- Oh," Sherry flushes, standing at the door. "Uh… I was wondering-"

"Get out," I snap at Sherry.

"I'm talking to Marshall, you fucking-"

"Now, Ms. Sherry," Marshall starts, rising to his feet, "you outta show Negan here some respect. You coming in here raising your voice ain't doing no good."

In all the fucking years I've known Sherry, she's never caved in that quickly, and has rarely addressed me as Sir but it's instantaneous. Holy shit. A submissive Sherry? Damn, maybe these two really are a good fit.

Sherry blushes, smiling up at Marshall. "If you're not busy, do you want to go for a walk?"

Marshall grunts, his eyes trailing down Sherry. "Are you in pain?"

"A little."

"I'll draw you a bath if you'd rather that."

"Okay," she smiles.

Pathetic. I hate watching awkward sexual tension. It's like reliving my days with Alice. "You can use the bathroom here."

Sherry fixes her hair after he goes into the bathroom.

"Don't fuck him in my goddamn bathtub."

"What about the counter?"

"Sherry!"

"This must be how you felt all the times you wanted Alice."

"Hardly the fucking same."

"I'm sorry about calling you fat."

"I don't give an undead's last shit what you think." Now if only I fucking believed that.

"Maybe you should be the one getting fucked in the bathtub. You're in a bad mood."

I don't respond to her any longer because it's only aggravating me. Fuck, what doesn't aggravate me? I guess it's because I feel so goddamn useless up here holding my pathetic dick that I can't even see anymore. Little Negan's just for show now. I lose track of time and don't even realize it until I hear Sherry moan Marshall's name. "Fuck," I sigh heavily. I miss Alice...

* * *

I zip up my jacket to try and hide some of this fucking weight. I'm meeting with all our new arrivals. Now, mind you, I've seen some fucking shit in my day, but I've never seen someone with tattoos on their face to look like one of the dead. This guy ain't some fucking scrawny bitch either.

"Oh, he's a lot better looking conscious," a girl licks her lips at me.

"Grimm, keep it in your pants, unless you want a knife hurled your way," the dead fuck replies.

"Shit, sorry."

It should be no surprise, Grimm wasn't the strangest name of the group. By the end of it I forgot more than half of them. King's group I ain't fucking worried about. It's the other motherfuckers. I exile one immediately when he makes some anal sex comment towards Laura.

"That was a bit excessive, don't you-"

"Excessive?" I grab another sorry fuck by his arm and pull him across the table, pressing Lucille to his cheek. "We'll see how excessive it is when I put something in your ass that shouldn't be."

"No, man, please!"

"Get your shit and get the fuck out. **Now**!" I might be a tubby bitch, but my strength hasn't changed, and he rolls backwards on the table and off onto the floor. "Two down, anyone else?" I set both hands against the table. "I will not hesitate to fuck you the fuck up if any of you fucking fucks fuck with my women." Am I the only person left with any goddamn morals? I watch these sketchy fucks funnel out of the meeting room.

"Are these new rules?"

Shit, I didn't even notice him linger behind. I'm not often intimidated by people. In fact, I can remember few fucks that ever made me uneasy, but I find it so fucking unsettling that someone would tattoo their face, and it's not just his face, it's his neck, hands, and arms. "No," I start, folding my arms and puffing my chest out some to seem more menacing. "I don't tolerate sexual violence of any kind."

"Thank you for taking up for Laura. We've been on our own for so long, we didn't realize how bad it had truly got."

"If someone's instinct is to hurt another person… to get pleasure from their pain... then they're a fucking monster and need to be put the fuck down. Protecting the weak is the whole fucking basis for civilization. If you're not protecting the weak, you're not civilized. You're fucking animals."

Butcher pulls a trench knife from the back of his pants and twirls it around. "Maybe I'll walk those sorry fucks to the gate."

The corner of my lip tugs up devilishly. I do need the exercise.

...

We both observe the two new additions to the fence.

I take one of the men's knifes and pin his nut sack to his throat like a goddamn flesh bow tie.

"Alice chucked one of her knives at me when she found my group. She thought I was raping Grimm. Role play shit, of course. I dunno what it is about Alice, but something just attracted me to her. Anyway, I made a real ass outta myself. Best it come from me rather than her. I didn't realize she was yours until I caught the engraving in one of her knives. I apologized to her, but I'm apologizing to you as well. You're a lucky man."

I don't even give a fuck that he hit on Alice, where in the past I would have had a goddamn aneurysm. Butcher is right, I am lucky. "I know."

"I'll look out for her while you're laid up."

I know he means it as a comfort, but another man shouldn't have to take care of what is mine. Goddammit. Finding her is the easy part because I bump into her as she's coming out of the infirmary. I take her by the bicep. "I want you home." I wasn't ready to cave, but teaching her some fucking lesson ain't worth going through what we did with Vic because I'm fucking angry. We'll work shit out some other way.

"That hurts!" She slings her arm from my grip.

"Yeah? Well, you fucking hurt me!"

"That wasn't my intention!"

"So you think that gives you the right to say whatever the fuck you want? You're not often in the wrong, Alice, but you are fucking wrong here."

"You won't accept my apology. You're cold towards me when I try to make an effort towards mending what we had. Please, tell me what I am supposed to do."

"Now you want my fucking input." I slam my bedroom door behind me, leaving her in the parlor. If she leaves, we're done. I have a seat on my bed and open up my end table, grabbing her journal from it. It takes nine seconds before I slam it shut, and stuff it back into the drawer. I drop my jacket to the floor and pull my shirt off over my head. She's annoyingly organized my armoire for me. When I see my license plate, it's just some painful reminder that I could have stopped those men had she of said something to me at the bike shop. I've gotta quit being a fucking bitch and read that journal, otherwise I'm never going to get answers to my questions.

* * *

I lean back in one of the metal folding chairs on the roof with my foot propped up on the ledge. In my hands I hold Alice's journal. I gotta fucking know his name. There's gotta be something in here that tells me. Just like when I was in prison my stomach is in fucking knots but I flip another page. The first five pages are lists of things that were done to her that I previously had to stop reading on page two. On the sixth page is when she starts to recall the memories. "No. God, no."

_Four enjoys when I cry, so I give him nothing. That's when his teeth rip my flesh._

She's assigned them numbers instead of names. This explains why she has nightmares about the number four. This piece of shit is the one she fears the most. Not even Eight; the son of a bitch who carved his initials in her back. Four is the one who gave her the burns on the wrists. I pour myself another drink. I can only take a few sentences before I have to stop. Four rarely forces her against her will, but when he does, that's when I have to take a deep breath. He likes to degrade her. The names he calls her is shit I wouldn't dare say. My eyes widen and I shove the journal to the roof, disgusted. That day outside the bar when I killed them, he was the ring leader. Now I have a face for that motherfucker.

_Welcome her home properly._

I drop the glass and clench my fist.

_The girl belongs to us._

Alice is mine, goddammit! Mine! I flail my arm out, almost knocking Sherry over when she rubs my back.

"Negan, what's wrong?"

"Leave me alone!"

"I'm sorry about the other night."

The truth is, I need someone to talk to, and even though I'm mad as fuck with Sherry, I'm not alright.

"Talk to me!"

I run my fingers in my hair, shaking my head no.

"What are you reading?"

"Do you remember that night when Alice kept talking about the number four?"

"Yeah, she was saying a lot of weird stuff."

"Alice was taken by several men when all this undead shit started. They brutally raped and tortured her for five hundred and seven days before Rick freed her."

"Oh my god," Sherry gasps.

"Rick got a few things from her house for her since she couldn't bring herself to go inside. One of the things was her journal. She vividly recalls what those men did in it." I yank the fucking thing from the ground, shoving it into her. "Read this entry."

"No, don't read this! Why would you do that to yourself?" Sherry starts to throw it off the roof but I grab her hand.

"Sherry, after everything I have done for you, you fucking owe me this. Read it out loud to me, or fucking leave!"

"Fine," she huffs, taking a step back and collecting herself. "I can hear Four's gruff voice outside my door." She looks up. "Alice gave them numbers instead of names."

"Keep reading."

"It hasn't even been twenty minutes since Ten put me back. Four stands in the doorway, the only light comes from the burning ember on his cigarette. He's upset today about those creatures. Four takes his anger out on me. He ties me to a radiator, then puts a knife to my ear. I know if I squirm, he'll cut it off." Sherry chokes back tears. "The scar on Alice's ear."

"Yeah…"

"I'm optimistic for the first time in two hundred and forty-six days. Optimistic that he'll kill me. I am wrong, only to endure several more sessions and a broken rib. He knows I won't try and squirm and that's when I hear the zipper on his pants-" Sherry throws the book down and covers her face, starting to weep. "All those scars on her back."

"Something doesn't add up, Sherry. Charli told me that seven men had their way with Alice, while another watched. That's eight men, but Alice mentions ten men in that journal."

"You know how it goes, men probably came and went."

"I know that I killed seven back at this bar. And Alice killed two when she helped Charlie escape. That means that one of those motherfuckers might still be out there."

"Is that why you're reading the journal? To find the other man?"

"I was hoping I could find out who that motherfucker is that carved his initials into her back."

"Does it say their names?"

"No, only numbers. He's number Eight."

"What are the initials carved into her back?"

"D and A."

"Dalton seemed awfully friendly with her that day she was looking for Marshall."

"It's not him, Sherry. Think about it. Alice will never forget what those men looked like." I knew that reading this book was a fucking horrible idea. I wanted answers and here I get uncertainty instead. "But sometimes I wonder if it was Donnie."

"I forgot about him. He was awful."

"Will you check with Carson and see if you can figure out his last name?"

"Yeah, I will. Do you feel a little better now?"

"I feel dirty about this entire thing. Like I'm sneaking around behind her back with this fucking book. I don't know what to do, it's such a sensitive fucking situation as is. Do you know what else I fucking found out? Alice knew me before all this shit went down."

"Knew you? Doesn't that mean you knew her, too?"

"No. She came by one day to the shop I worked at. Well, her father did to drop off his bike and she was with him. She said that she saw me and had this fucking crush bullshit, but she never said anything to me. You know, made little attempts here and there to get my attention, but... shit, I was used to paying for pussy, not having pussy chase me."

"Why is Alice knowing you a bad thing?"

"Because think about it, Sherry. If Alice would have fucking said something to me, maybe I could have stopped those men that broke into her home. I could have fucking prevented all this from happening."

"Negan, that is not fair to put that on yourself."

"Knowing me, my fucking mouth would probably ruin things before we ever got started."

"I'll admit, if not for the end of the world I would have never pictured someone like Alice with you."

"Thanks."

"Come on, you know what I mean. Can you imagine what you'd have to go through to keep her happy in the real world?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"

"You said she got into Harvard. Do you know how much that school costs?"

"I would work my ass off fifteen hours a day to support us. Yeah, I know I couldn't give her all the things she deserves, but no one could possibly give two fucks for her the way that I do. I'd sacrifice everything for that woman to make her happy."

"Except for one thing. What are you going to do the day she tells you that she loves you and you can't return it?"

I fold my arms and look away from Sherry.

"Oh, god, she already told you, didn't she? Please tell me you said it back."

"No," I scoff.

"That poor girl."

"Saying I love you back doesn't mean shit. It's just some made up dumb fucking word. Alice knows how much I care for her."

"If you love her, you should tell her."

"Don't fucking start with that shit."

"You're a fool, Negan."

"I'm fucking warning you."

"Why can't you just say it?"

"Because the last person I said it too was beaten to death in front of me to prove a fucking point!" I get up and start to pace. "You're just not fucking happy, Sherry, unless you've riled me up!"

"It wasn't intentional, Negan. I just wanted to show you that Alice is too-"

"What?! Too fucking good for me?!"

"No!"

"Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. Like that doesn't run through my mind every waking second of every fucking day?" I have to leave because I'm so fucking worked up, I can't see straight. Once I'm in the parlor and see Alice sitting on her nook, I'm not even angry anymore. All this bullshit between us, doesn't matter. We've been through so goddamn much, and I'm not wasting any more fucking time on being angry with her. I kneel down beside her and take her hand. "If you want to go to the Syndicate, I'm not going to stop you, but before you make your decision, I wanna say a few things. Alice, I'm not a good looking man. I'm not fucking smart. I don't have anything to offer you. You can try to convince me otherwise, but I know what I am. Gutter trash. Protection is what someone like me is good for. So the times that you were attacked, or hurt, it really fucking rattles me. Then you act like it's no big deal, or things could have been worse like it's going to make me feel better. Protecting people is just something that I've always done. It's my reasoning for being alive. Then I meet you and at first you couldn't take one of those fucks on by yourself. Now I see how strong you've become. How this world has hardened you, and made you one bad ass motherfucker." I take a deep breath, swallowing the lump in my throat. "But it fucking scares me because it means you don't need me anymore to protect you, and if I can't protect you, I don't have a purpose in this relationship. So I'm on my knees fucking begging you. Please. **Please** don't fucking go, Alice. Don't- don't fucking leave me alone in all this. Don't take my reasoning for being alive away from me."

She latches onto the scruff of my neck. "I didn't know you felt like this."

Her voice is so goddamn solace it assures me this woman is here to stay.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you."

"Please don't cry. I know that you are. And I know it wasn't intentional." Fuck. Those big blue eyes. "Alice, you know that I care for you, don't you?"

She nods her head.

"Does it upset you that I don't say it back?"

"Say what?"

"You know," I sigh and drop my head, "the love thing," I mumble.

"No."

"There's a part of me that doesn't fucking believe you."

"Where is this sudden uncertainty coming from?"

"I was just thinking."

"You're being deceitful."

"Maybe someone said something to me and it got me thinking."

"Our feelings for each other are no one's business. You are mine, and I do not want anyone else in your head but me."

"I like it when you get territorial and bitchy." I clench her hand tight when she tries to unzip my jacket.

"Are you still in pain?"

"Yes." Fuck, I hate lying to her, but I don't want her to see me like this.

"I miss you. **All** of you."

My vanity is the only reason I don't fuck this woman against whatever surface is closest.

* * *

I skim the vacant cafeteria. Why is it so goddamn still in here? Especially, for a Tuesday.

"Negan," Dwight shouts from the hall that leads to the supply room. "Negan!"

"What?" I'm already annoyed and I haven't even been out of bed ten minutes. Guess I'm not getting my fucking food. Where's Cindy?

"Negan!"

"What? I said what?!"

"Alice, it's Alice!"

My boots echo down the corridor as uncertainty draws near. The heaviness in my chest is suffocating me from worry. Is she hurt? Is... she... Goddamn, the hallway is growing. It's like a dream where you can't run fast enough. I come to a halt like some invisible wall stops me. My eyes dart violently between my men in the supply room.

"Nyet," Kuzma yells, holding Dog by the collar as the animal viciously tries to lunge for one of the new arrivals. "Dog, Nyet!"

The new arrival is on the floor and Marshall is keeping him restrained with his boot to his throat.

Butcher has Alice in his arms.

Kid clings tightly to Alice's pants leg. "He tried to hurt Alice," she cries.

My fucking heart stops when I hear Alice sob the word **Eight** repeatedly.

"He hit her in the back of the head with his gun not realizing I was in the supply room." Butcher shows me the bloody spot in her hair.

_I'll look out for her while you're laid up._

My knuckles turn white as my lip snarls bearing my teeth. I block out Alice's cries because I need the strength not to rip this piece of degenerate shit in half. I've waited for this moment. This is what I wanted to do with Vic. With Leon. With every abhorrent fuck that touched what was mine. The eerie calmness in my voice instructs Butcher to take Alice to the parlor. Lucille's gonna sit this one out. My men are foaming at the mouth, waiting to get their hands on Eight. They all have ideas on what we should do. I'm going to use them all. Sparingly, of course. I kneel beside Eight, holding my hand out to take the first knife that's given to me. "I'm Negan."

"Fuck you."

"I want you to remember my name."

"I don't give a fuck about your name!"

"You will, because when you look down, it's going to be carved into your flesh." I drag my knife up the fabric of his shirt, filleting it open. "I want your name."

"I ain't telling you shit!"

"Hold still then. Don't wanna mess this up."

He doesn't even hold out long enough for me to carve the N. "It's Derek! Derek Anderson! Fuck, man!"

His tolerance to pain is fucking pathetic as he flops around, and by the time I'm done carving my name, it looks like it says NACnM. "That don't fucking look right. Guess that just means we'll have to try again." This cocksucker has no idea what I have in store for him, and if he's sobbing and dry heaving over a tattoo, he's in for a rude fucking awakening. "Take him to the basement. I'll be there in a minute, and don't fucking start without me."

...

"Here, Negan." Cindy passes me the requested kitchen tool.

Eight's too stricken with fear to move. He's already pissed his pants.

Most of my men asked to be in the room with Eight while I deem whatever torture appropriate, including men like Marshall and Bryan who are completely opposed to it. "I look at Alice's hands, and I see how they crack. How they're split open from the constant hand washing and blistered from the scalding hot water. No doubt something that you motherfuckers attributed to. So I have this cheese grater, right? Yeah, I thought about shredding your hands open with it. But... then, I dunno," I laugh. "I got something better. Tie him to that table." I inspect the grater over. "This thing's a little goddamn rusty, but I think it'll still-"

"No, fuck, help! Help!"

"Help," Connor mocks, as he rids the man of his pants.

"Try not to pass out on me," I smirk. "Like shredding a carrot."

Connor's guffaw drowns out the man's cries.

"Heh, new meaning to dick cheese, huh?" I chuck the grater across the room. "Wait a second now... where are my motherfucking manners? Bryan, come here." I grip him by the shoulder. "You see Bryan here? He's with that cute little redhead. You know the one I'm thinking of, right?"

Eight trembles in fear.

"What was that name you had for her?" I cup my ear, leaning over a bit.

"Fire crotch," Eight snivels.

"Oh, that's right, my mistake. I was thinking carrot top for some reason. Kinda like what's left of your dick." I scratch my eyebrow with my thumb as I chuckle. "Bryan is going to show you the true meaning of fire crotch. Marshall, your zippo."

"No, stop!"

"It's okay. Bryan was a fireman. He'll keep the fire contained. After all, it **is** a fire crotch." Now this is a smell I'll never fucking forget. You know, the bottom fucking line here is this. I'm not some fucking psychotic fuck that gets off by others suffering. These men put Alice and Charli through a living hell, and I plan to repay that in full. I grab Eight by his jaw as he fades in and out of consciousness. "You can die on the five hundredth and eight day." It's lights out for this motherfucker. I shut the basement door and look my men over. "Vasquez, write this shit down and translate it for Kuzma. You will all get your turn, but that motherfucker is mine. That motherfucker. Is. **Mine**. If anyone touches that man without me present, I will not hesitate to exile you, but not before I take my wrath out on you that I'm going to bestow on him." Yeah, it was fucking excessive, but that piece of shit represents all the aggression I have held in for all these years. I want every one of those days to bring some kind of hell upon him. "Harlan, I, uh." Fuck. I hate to ask him, once again, to aid another man while we torture the living fuck out of him.

Dalton notices how uncomfortable Harlan is and steps forward. "Say, haus, I was a medic for a long time. I'll volunteer to take care of your boy. Can't have him checking out on us."

"Thank you. Start him on antibiotics for his burns."

Harlan frowns, shaking his head. "It's not that I don't care for Alice, Negan."

"I get it, Harlan."

"Thanks," he sighs relieved.

"Cosworth."

"Yes, Sir?"

"You're smart with that chemistry fuckery. Make me some kind of acid. Something that will eat his hands to the bone."

"Simple enough."

I extend my hand out some and shake Butcher's. "Thank you."

"You shouldn't have had to thank me."

How ironic hearing my words come from him.

...

It's no surprise that I find Alice in the shower. Her painful grunts flash me back to the time I found her scrubbing herself raw. I should have fucking worried about Eight later, and made sure she was alright first. Instead, I send her up like she's some problem I have to deal with. All because I wanted revenge on this fucking fuck. My fingers are shaky as it closes in on the shower curtain, and the plastic is moved aside.

Her fingers are bloody stubs as they claw at her back. She's digging his initials from her flesh. The other hand holds her razor. Jesus fucking Christ! The gash in her back is at least half an inch deep!

"Alice, stop," I beg, pressing a towel to her back. I pin her arms down when she starts clawing at the bite marks on her chest. "Stop! You're hurting yourself!"

"I have to do this! I want the scars gone."

I open my hands, palms up. "Then take my scars." I scoot them closer. "Go on."

She shifts her weight forward, her left arm hooking around my neck as she scoots against my chest.

It's the one time that I'm actually prepared for her cries, but she doesn't make a sound. I keep waiting for her to ask if he's dead. Fuck, what am I going to say? I can't bring myself to tell her that I have him tied in the basement. What good would come from it?

...

Tears well up in my eyes as they lock on the gash in Alice's back.

Nicole stops several times to rid her own, before continuing Alice's stitches.

"Are you in pain?"

"I am."

"Why didn't you say anything? Nicole, get her something-"

"No."

She also won't let me clean the dried blood from her fingers, and I know that it's bothering her, too. Maybe it's because she knows she did this herself, and doesn't want to burden anyone. I thought about unzipping my jacket right then and showing her how much weight I had put on. Just anything to get her mind off the fact she's hurting. I tilt my head to the side some as I look at what I thought would be a blank expression. While she's indifferent, there's not that awful stoic gaze. Could it be that this is some type of relief? Is this finally it? This is the last time we'll have to fucking go through something like this, right? Fuck, I goddamn hope so.

* * *

Alice slept all the way through the night. Not even one nightmare. Her face is so fucking peaceful, so at ease. It's relief that all ten men are gone, and absolute closure for her. When she wakes up, she's rested. She stretches her arm across the bed, curling her fingers around mine. "I love you, Lout."

"I know you do, and I care for you very much, Numbers." If something good comes from this, it shows me that if one day I am capable of love, it's because of Alice.

* * *

**A/N Now something pleasant I'd like to address. I really appreciate everyone who has left me a review. It really means a lot because I put so much into this story. If you're not the review type, just knowing you've made it 27 chapters and almost 300k words I'm still very thankful for. I want to take a few seconds and point out some people that have been more than gracious to me. This is not to hurt anyone's feelings if they are not listed below, please, don't think that I don't appreciate you. If you want me to edit your names, or take you out, let me know.**

**Lupienne**. You always take the time to comb through each chapter and give me your thoughts which I can't tell you how much that means to me. You have the best insight, and I appreciate you more than you know. Especially when I'm about to have a massive pulmonary embolism from my stuff being used by others, lol. Thank you for encouraging me to keep writing this fic, and thank you for telling me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear to appease me. You are one of my best friends. I can't even begin to thank you for all your support on tumblr. When you drew Alice and Negan, I just cried. For those of you that have not read her work, please do so. Days of his Wives is the pinnacle of Negan fanfic.

**Spliced-up-Angel**. Probably the nicest person I have ever met. Your commentary throughout reading this story has been wonderful, as well as my others. I'll never forget when I got the PM from you that said "Man, fuck you. I stayed up to four am reading your story". LOL! Getting to know you has been a blast. I love how you always ask how my writing is coming along. She has a really fantastic work in progress called Exhaust. Her Negan is hilarious. Please go show the fic the attention it deserves!

**JesBakesCookies.** Jes, you've been with me from the beginning. You're also an avid reader of many of my fics. I really appreciate all your support, reviews, and thoughts. Thanks for posting my fic links on your tumblr. That means a lot to me. :)

**MajorieAllens**. When I see that you've reviewed, it's truly a treat. I know we don't speak often, but I just want you to know how thankful I am to have you as a reader, and how much I look forward to when you review. The way you take the time to break down the chapters I'm very appreciative of! I can tell you put a lot of thought and time into what you're going to say. Thank you!

**Vizhi0n**. I promise, I will read your work. What you let me read, I loved. Turtle and Negan are a great dynamic. (and I read that smut bit with Turtle which was awesome, heh) Your love for Alice makes me shrill in excitement, lol. The drawing you did of Alice, holy shit! WOW! I'm still fangirling. Thank you for all your support and reviews, both here and on tumblr. Enjoy Walker Stalker! :)

**Jaime**. (My protector of flying crickets.) Girl, I love you. LOL. Thank you for all the times we've sat at our Mexican restaurant and talked about Stigmatic. And how you have to seriously lock yourself in a room to get any reading done. Such dedication! Thank you for all of your reviews. They make my day!

**BreenaBelle-xoxo**. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you went through every chapter of mine and reviewed. As I watched the notifications come in, it was one of the best feelings. Stop saying that your questions are silly because they aren't! They are flattering that you've taken an interest! Thank you, and not only for your support here, but on my other works, too!

**pierce through the heart**. Your last review meant a lot to me because I was in a dark place with this fic, so I really appreciate your words, as well as your support on my other works. The Hazel Grace not having been loved widely, but loved deeply was very thoughtful of you to say. :)

**NanamiYatsumaki.** I'm not sure if you still read this, but your reviews always brought a smile to my face.

**SquishyPenguin12.** You're such a great supporter of Alice, and I really appreciate that as well as your reviews. Also, I never finished that cosplay, lol!

**Kinkozan**. It really touched me when you were so concerned that I might stop writing. I know that you're actually a bigger fan of Beautiful Tragedy but you've given me a lot of support on this one. The kind words you had to say about RM enough to make a tumblr post still makes me smile.

**Hurricanerin**. Thank you for reviewing all my chapters. It was so encouraging to keep updating on Ao3 because of how excited you were for each chapter. I hope that I can continue to keep the momentum and approval!

**DragonRacer13**. Last but definitely not least. Dude, where have you been all my life? You make me feel (I know you're singing the song now) like I'm a celebrity. LOL! I appreciate you hustling out my fic links and all your kind words. When I was ready to trash this fic, you really helped me off the ledge. I really don't thank you enough for all of your support. Your live reviews of each chapter mean a lot to me. I love how you call Alice and Negan your OTP.

**And thank you everyone! :) We've still got several chapters to go so stay tuned!**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N Ironically, there was a scene in the show where the Kingdom gave swine to the Saviors that had fed on the undead. The swine part in this chapter has nothing to do with that, and it's not tied in in any way. It's something I had written a while ago to help lead into the backstory I want Negan to tell Alice in the next chapter about his father. I know it's been a while since I've updated, so that just means I have to write something really horrific to make up for the wait, right? Nah, it's not too bad.**

* * *

"Don't you do it, motherfucker."

Dwight dry heaves, grabbing his stomach.

This is Connor's cue to start antagonizing him.

"You fucking make Dwight puke, you're cleaning that shit up." Turns out, putting this acid on Eight's hands was a little more difficult than I thought, and he keeps passing out from the pain.

"Krokodil," Kuzma responds, pointing at Eight's hand.

"Yeah, it does look like that," Connor snickers.

"What's krokodil?"

"It's a bunch of fucking shit mixed together with codeine that gets you fucked up. Eats your goddamn flesh from the inside." Connor peers over Eight. "Passed out again."

"Fuck! What a pussy! Tie him up, kill the lights." Let's see what a few days does in complete darkness.

"Awww," Grimm sulks, lowering her machete.

No one's more disappointed than I am.

"Dwight, let's go hunting. I want a big fucking slab of venison," Connor smirks.

Dwight hauls ass out of the basement and up the steps.

Actually, that sounds fucking delicious. "Connor, lead a team. Take Butcher, Kid, and Kuzma with you." Goddamn it's good to be big swinging dick again.

…

King greets me before I make it up to the parlor and asks to talk.

"A few of us feel real strongly about infiltrating this Syndicate group."

"Like?"

"Lee for one. He's pretty sour they took his group. Banks, Tara, Bryan, Vasquez. I kinda overheard what you was telling Alice that day in the infirmary. I'll lead a group. We gotta find something, you know?"

"If you're captured you will be killed."

"Wait to be captured or die trying is the way I see it."

"I think having a woman makes you weak, especially when we don't know everything they're capable of."

"Tara is not exactly what I'd call a typical woman."

"It doesn't matter. I walked in on her being passed around between these sorry fucks. It still fucks with me. You bring her, they'll break you that way."

"Banks ain't going without Tara."

I sigh heavily, massaging my brow. "What about your group?"

"Butcher wants to stay close to Alice. Church ain't exactly the fighting type. You need Dalton for that guy that Grimm has grown quite fond of torturing."

"Yeah, she's always the first one down stairs."

"I gave up leading when I came here so I know how you feel. Splitting your people up is the last thing you want, but this is the only way."

I don't have a good feeling about this, but what fucking choice do I have? As I watch him leave, I can't help but feel like this is the last time I'm going to see him, or the group.

…

The hell? Where the fuck did I put that sweatshirt? I know it's in here somewhe- "Fuck," I scream startled when I shut the door on the armoire.

Alice's eyes focus in on my gut.

**Shit. Shit**!

She starts to hyperventilate, grabbing her chest.

"Alice?" I catch her before she hits the floor. "Fucking breathe." I hold her by the cheek. "Look at me!"

She's having some kind of panic attack as she struggles to take in a breath. Her arms lock around my neck. "Your mass has substantially increased!"

My… mass? Is… is she calling me fat? "Stop," I snap when she touches my stomach. Goddammit. I didn't want her to see me like this.

"You shouldn't be embarrassed."

"You fucking kidding me? I have man hams!"

Her lips part as her eyes take me in.

Is she turned on? "Don't even tell me your panties are damp."

"I would rather you were portly instead of lanky, and yes, I will admit they are damp."

"My mass is really going to suffocate you."

"Will you suffocate me now?"

"You are a freak, and it makes my dick so fucking hard."

"We shouldn't waste it."

I'll never understand how I can laugh to a point where I can't breathe, and she just stands there like she ain't a funny motherfucker. These few times she's begging me to fuck her makes me not want to only because I like to watch her squirm. I am truly a bastard.

"I have just the thing."

Does she now?

"I will return."

Eh, shit. I poke some of my pudge. I don't know about this. I've been waiting for a while now to give it to her real fucking good, but I can just see my fat ass starting to wheeze half way through it. Goddammit. I gotta turn her down, and find some way to get rid of this fat chubby.

"Close your eyes."

Now never in my right fucking mind would I ever think that Alice would be the one to do so, but when I open them I about lose my goddamn mind.

"Do you like-"

"No! Abso-fucking-lutely fucking not!"

She's in that fucking black corset and stockings from the time I asked her to be my wife.

I rip the sheet from the bed, forcing it around her.

"I-"

"Black lingerie is **never** to touch your skin!" It's a painful reminder of what I did to her. "Do you understand me? Am I understood?"

"I understand. I'm sor-"

"Be quiet." I let out several quick breaths, then pull her to me. "I'm sorry for what I fucking did to you, Alice. I paraded you around in that goddamn lingerie knowing good and goddamn well that Holly was dead." That has always been my biggest regret. It is absolutely unforgivable what I did to her. I know she said she forgave me, but how can someone truly look past something like that? Fuck, it's upsetting my stomach. "Fucking change. Now," I demand, hurrying to the restroom. I barely make it to the toilet. What kind of fucking coward does that to another woman? It's sickening. I know without a doubt in my mind that I never would have fucked her but it doesn't make it right. I can't possibly imagine how she felt the hours waiting for me to return, and for those forty minutes being vulnerable like that.

"Did you ever consider the events that transpired after I agreed to be your wife?"

I pull my head up from the toilet. "What, like everything happens for a reason?"

"No. You forced painful memories I refused to reveal. Had it not have been for that situation, I do not believe I would be standing here. We've both made mistakes, Negan. The issue is because you dwell on them, not because you make them."

"Yeah, and you fucking deny it. Like everything's fucking make believe."

"Correct, because that is how I cope."

"You already fed me that goddamn line. Sometimes I just want to strangle you, you impassive fuck."

"I assure you that exchange is mutual, lout."

"Yeah, you'd probably get off on it."

"That sounds amenable."

"No shit?" I perk right up and that ain't the only thing except I can't see it over this fucking gut!

"Whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting," she repeats my words back to me.

Like all the times I waited on her to be comfortable with the idea. It meant a lot to me because she didn't pressure me, or make me feel bad. Shit if anyone could understand how I felt it would be her.

…

I'm pretty less than fucking amused when I see what's been brought back to eat.

Connor smirks proudly as he stands over the swine. "Bitch was a squealer, but we got her."

"I got it," Kid corrects him, "and it's not a her, it's a him."

Connor mocks Kid as she leaves the kitchen.

"What are you, fucking twelve?"

"Fuck her. She's been spending too much time with that stoic fuck of yours." Connor slides across the kitchen floor only stopping when he hits the wall. "Fuck!"

"Sorry, I tripped," Butcher smirks.

"Man, fuck a bunch of you guys," Connor groans.

What's even funnier about this situation is Connor still gets his ass kicked when he messes with Alice, but it ain't coming from me so Alice won't bitch at me.

Butcher gives me a fist bump before hauling the swine away for Kid to gut.

Fuck, I was really looking forward to that venison.

…

"No, I'm not eating swine, now leave me the fuck alone," I yell at the others.

Connor rips off a huge hunk of his fuck chop. "How's that lettuce tasting?"

"It's cabbage, now fuck off." Connor isn't the only one giving me shit. In fact, the only one keeping their mouth shut is Alice, no surprise there. It's actually more of a surprise when she snaps at Dwight for giving me shit. I walk away from the table and go upstairs to the rooftop to get some fresh air. The smell of pork upsets my stomach enough without having to watch people chew it with their mouth open.

"You left your soup. I put it in your room."

"Thanks," I sigh.

"I'll listen if you want to talk about him."

I guess it's kind of silly to be this worked up over fucking meat, and even more that I relate it to my father. "Is it that obvious?"

"No, it's not obvious. It's why they give you a difficult time. If anyone knew you didn't eat things because of your father's abuse, they'd stop."

I hold her tight. She always knows what's wrong with me. Now to put this shit fucking day behind us.

...

"Alice?" I sit up from bed. Her spot is cold and the blankets are pushed down. I find her in the bathroom, curled up on the floor.

"I don't feel well," she cries. Alice usually doesn't cry when she's in pain, so something is wrong.

I touch her cheek because her skin is sweaty. "Come on, let's go see Nicole." I carry her since she says her muscles ache. As I descend downstairs, it is fucking chaos. Cries and screams fill every level. What the- "You are all sick from eating that swine!"

Nicole and Harlan are both in bad shape but try their best to help the others.

I set Alice down and go check on our older residents Drew and Grady. Then I go find the children. Those are the priority that I want Harlan and Nicole to help. I make an announcement for the others. Tell them to keep hydrated and look out for each other.

Kuzma sets Connor down on the floor. "Pussies," he laughs, pointing at Dwight and Connor.

You know, I think I'm really starting to like this fuck. "Didn't you eat the meat? Like… a fuck ton of it?"

He nods. "Hungry."

I can't help but laugh. He would fucking still be hungry. "Stay with Alice." I point at the infirmary, hoping he understands me. "Alice hurt," I try and simplify.

"Alice hurt?" He loses his smirk and doesn't wait for me to respond before going into the infirmary.

At least I know he'll do anything for her so I can focus on helping the others.

...

"Thanks," I tell Kuzma as he sets Alice down on my bed.

Alice responds to him in Russian.

Kuzma returns her smile, though his eyes well up before leaving.

"What did you say to him?"

"It's kind of foolish," Alice responds nervously.

"Well," I pout, sitting beside her. "I wanna know. I understood papa. That's not foolish."

"I don't want you to be jealous."

"That fuck already told me he loves you like you're his daughter."

"You don't think that's silly? Considering I have a father. Perhaps, had is the proper term."

"Look. I ain't gonna sit here and bash your dad, but he ain't getting any awards. Yeah, he took care of you girls financially, but at what cost? It's great that you can find someone to kinda fill that void."

"He's good to me. As well as Kid."

I help her out of her pants. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been."

"I understand the reasoning."

I smirk, rubbing her inner thigh. "Will my mass suffocating you make it better?"

"No, I'm going to have to decline."

"I know, nerd."

* * *

I lick my finger, then stick it in Alice's ear as I let out a weaselish laugh.

"Repugnant." She gives me a hard shove to the gut.

"What are you doing out here? You should be resting."

"You didn't kill him, did you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't insult my intelligence. He'd be on the fence if you killed him. What was left of him that is."

"He's in one of the lower rooms."

"Take me to him."

"No goddamn way."

"That's not your decision."

"Alice, do you really think that seeing him is going to help?"

"I want to see what you've done to him. To see him writher in pain."

I take hold of her arm before she makes it too far.

"Let go!"

"You're not that kind of person. I know you."

"This isn't your choice!"

"Fine. You wanna fucking see him?" I yank her by the back of her vest and drag her beside me. "You wanna fucking see how I've mutilated his flesh?"

"Stop!"

"How I've set parts of him on fire?"

"You're hurting me!"

"Oh, you're gonna love that I took a cheese grater to his dick. Yeah, that'll be a real comfort to you. Hey, I got a great idea. You can get in on the torture, too! Carve your name in his flesh like he did yours." I couldn't help it. The words just flew out, and now she knows that I know. I stop midway down the hall as I drive my fist into the metal. "Fuck!"

She weeps softly in her hands. "How do you know about Eight?"

I run my fingers in my hair, taking in a deep breath. "I have your journal."

"I see."

"I didn't want it to seem like I was sneaking behind your back, but I wanted answers that I knew would be too painful for you to talk about. I wanted his name. Alice, I never thought for two goddamn seconds he would show up in our fucking home."

"I'd like my journal, please."

"No. That fucking thing is mine."

She collects herself, ridding her tears.

"Don't make me take you down there. It doesn't matter what they did to you, if you see him in the shape he's in, you're going to feel remorse about it."

Alice throws her arms around me, tucking herself away against my chest.

Well… that went a little different than I expected. Fuck, I thought I was going to get the third degree. This entire situation is about as fucked up as it comes. I mean, I'm torturing a human being for Christ's sake. "Do you really want to see him?"

She shakes her head no.

Thank fuck.

"You're squashing me."

"I know." I hoist her up, taking her upstairs. I'm only setting her down after she's found her release against my bedroom door.

…

"Why are you smiling?"

"Because I just blew my load. Fucking hard. Same reason you're all flush."

"I'm embarrassed."

"The fuck for?"

"The things I say during intercourse."

"That's just human nature to say crazy shit. One time I shouted out that I wanted this chick to punch me right in the fucking balloon knot." I know Alice fucking heard what I said, but she doesn't acknowledge me.

Instead she just sifts through the clothes looking for her undergarments.

My laugh fades as I get a view of her back. "I wish I would have found you in another life that isn't this. A life were I could have given you all the things you wanted. Where your sister was safe, and you didn't have his initials carved into your back."

"Stop."

"No, goddammit, I want to talk about this shit!"

"I like this life."

"There's another one of your weak ass verbs."

"You're on my last nerve."

I sit up as straight as I can on the couch. "I'm Alice, and I can't be bothered with emotion!"

Alice slips on my jacket. "I'm Negan. Wanna bone?"

"First off, I ain't never asked you to bone. Second, fuck you. I do not fucking talk like that."

"Call me Savior leader! Punch me in the balloon knot!"

"Do you even know what that is?"

Alice hangs my jacket up in my armoire. "Your testicles."

"No. It ain't fucking balls. Think about it. All puckered up like that." I nod my head up and down at her.

"You're repulsive. You honestly said that to another human being?"

"Are you really fucking surprised?"

"Ugh, I hope she was thorough when she washed her arm."

I throw myself back on the couch and bellow out a laugh. "For the record, she didn't. You know…" I make a circle with my index finger and thumb, then drive my other fist through it.

"I appreciate the visual."

"Smart-fucking-ass."

* * *

"Royal shitter," Connor smirks, laying down his cards.

"It's called a royal flush," Marshall corrects him.

"Same fucking difference, mother."

Sherry sets Marshall's smokes on the table. "I'll be in bed."

It really pissed me the fuck off. Like the tension isn't bad enough and she's gotta flaunt she's fucking Marshall in front of Dwight. Thankfully, Marshall's got the good sense to ignore it, but that can't be said about Connor.

"Dwight, tell your wife to come visit me when she's done with Marshall."

Butcher looks between Dwight and Marshall confused. "You're sleeping with Dwight's wife, Marshall?"

"Sherry and I aren't together," Dwight responds.

"That'll make Laura happy."

"Who's Laura?"

"You're kinda dense, huh?"

We all laugh at Butcher's comment.

"She's a few tables over. Has all the metal in her ears. The one that hasn't looked away from you all night."

"I'm going to bed," Dwight murmurs, starting for his room.

"Way to fucking go, Connor." I fling my cards towards him.

"What? Shit, they're broken up. Damn, when did everyone become so fucking sensitive? Bunch of pussies around here."

"Let me go on about all the ways Joanna used to beg me to fuck her when she was my wife. About how I didn't even put out money at the strip club because that pussy was so eager to ride my-"

"Fucking alright! Shit. Don't talk about my fucking girl like that, Negan. I didn't give you shit when Marshall tried to fuck Alice."

"Connor, I will come across this table and rip your head clean off getting blood all over that fucking douche shirt of yours. You motherfucker, you're just not happy until you rile people up. Maybe you **should** be the one fucking Sherry. You both like to push everyone's buttons!"

"Leave it alone," Marshall shouts.

"Fuck you, Negan," Connor yells.

I come across this table exactly like I promised and although I didn't take his head clean off, I bloody up his shirt before the two of us are separated. "Goddammit," I bark, kicking over one of the chairs before starting up the steps.

"Negan, do you want me to take a look at your fac-"

"No, move," I snap at Nicole as if it's her fault. I try and rid some of this blood with the crook of my elbow before going into Dwight's room. "I'm sorry. That was pretty fucked up." I take a seat beside him.

He's sobbing into his hands. "I know I let her go, but it fucking hurts."

I squeeze his shoulder some. "I know."

"I'll never find someone like that again."

"Just chill the fuck out. Give yourself some time to pull yourself together before you think about that shit."

"Yeah," he frowns, sitting up some. "What happened to your face?"

"The little prick got in a good right hook before I fucked him up."

"You took up for me?"

"Yeah. What he said was uncalled for."

"I don't even care that Marshall is with Sherry. It's that I wasn't enough. Negan, I don't think that I can be here. Knowing she sleeps two doors down."

"I think leaving Sanctuary would be a big mistake."

"I'm not okay."

"Dwight, your marriage is over. No one expects you to be."

"I see it in her face. How happy she is with Marshall. Like what we had meant nothing."

"Sherry has always looked after Sherry. I think the way she deceived you about her illness is complete fucking bullshit. She did that for her. So she didn't have to have that uncomfortable conversation because it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong than to work things out with you. You know, Dwight, sometimes I wonder if she had one foot outside your relationship long before I came around. Maybe I did you a fucking favor."

"Enough, please."

"She's with someone else already. It just proves my fucking point."

There's a knock on the door. It turns out to be that Laura girl from King's group.

"She's DTF," I mouth.

"Shut the fuck up," he says under his breath.

"I can come back at another time."

"I was just leaving," I grin. I stand behind Laura as I thrust my hips and give Dwight an O face. When she turns around I stretch my arms out and yawn. "Oh, before I go." I chuck my keys on Dwight's bed. "For those supplies you needed. You know… the supplies you needed. In the supply room. That box of supplies-"

"Yeah, I fucking get the point. Can you get the fuck out?"

I snicker all the way up to the parlor.

* * *

"Negan," Alice calls for the third time.

I lazily open my eyes with a groan.

"I'm starting my day."

"It's still fucking dark out. Go back to sleep."

"There's this feeling of uncertainty I have. Perhaps a visit with Charli will settle my nerves."

"Let me settle those nerves," I grin.

"I will return in an hour."

"When you come back to bed you better be naked." I pick my head up from the pillow and twist around to watch her leave. Usually, she has something to retort with. Maybe this is one of those times I need to play the concerning role. I fling the blanket off and start to get dressed. Shit it's fucking early as I fumble through the parlor and down the stairs. I take a step back around the corner when I see Dwight talking with Laura outside her bedroom door.

"Sorry, about, uh. That I was so… quick. It's been a while since I've been with someone that wasn't her."

"It's fine. Honestly. You're pretty good with other things."

Dwight clears his throat. "B- bye."

I give him the biggest grin when he comes around the corner. "If it makes you feel any better, I lasted about twenty-four seconds the other day with Alice."

He shakes his head disgusted and walks past me.

I start down the rest of the steps towards Alice when I run into Connor.

"Sorry I lost my shit."

"Guess I should be thanking you. It got Dwight out of his slump. Plus, Alice likes my face all fucked up," I grin.

"Yeah, Joanna felt pretty bad for me, too. With her mouth."

Connor and I get knocked to our fucking knees when something so powerful hits Sanctuary that it shakes it. "What the fuck?!" The windows that line the cafeteria are shot out as glass sprays everywhere. "Alice," I bellow, picking myself up and hauling ass for the front doors. " **Alice**!"

"Negan," she brushes the glass from herself, hurrying into my arms. "I'm okay!"

"Connor!"

"I'm on it."

"Alice, go find Kid and don't leave Kuzma's side." I'm stupid to think that we aren't like a fucking target out here in the middle of fucking nowhere. Rick had shown up at our gates before, so what stops someone else? I touch my hand to the worn metal when I hear a voice I never could have imagined. I don't even have to open the front door to know who's infiltrated our gates.

" **You have five minutes to respond**."

Fuck, no, not now. I push myself away from the door, running through broken glass and steel to my Saviors awaiting instruction. As I start to tell my men it's the Syndicate, I can't. If there is any chance some of our people can escape, they won't do so knowing it's them. They'll stay and fight. "This group is trying to draw us out, and when they do, that's when we'll be vulnerable."

"Church and I already thought of a scenario like this where we'd need to escape in a hurry," Cosworth starts, setting down some blueprints. "There were two tunnels built with this factory. The only problem is they don't lead anywhere. Maybe construction was halted or something, anyway, that doesn't matter. Finn put hatches on the north and west side where you can escape from the tunnel. The hatch goes up into a small shed still inside the gates of Sanctuary. We stocked the shed with ammunition and supplies. The shed is flush against the chain link, and the reason it's like that is because we built gates that you can escape outside with."

"Here are the keys to both gates." Church sets them on the blueprints.

"There's only one problem, which is why we haven't told anyone yet. The tunnels are small. Women and children, but you big guys, there's no way you're going to be able to crawl through."

"Carson," I call. "Start funneling the women and children out, then head to the Safe-Zone. Tell Rick these fucks might not be far behind. Dwight, Cosworth, Church, Seth, and Finn, go with them. Kuzma, Butcher, Hawkes, Marshall, Connor, and Dalton, grab every weapon you can." It's funny how brute strength isn't going to save us this time. I just hope that we can fend these psychotic fucks off long enough so the rest of the people can be safe.

Alice explains to Kuzma as best she can before giving him a hug.

"Daddy," Clara cries, latching onto Hawkes.

"Stay close to your brother."

Alice waits until the majority has left before approaching me.

I brush her cheek before pressing my lips to it. "I'll be right behind you," I lie, trying to hold it together.

"I love you."

"You gotta go, Alice."

"Very well." She takes Kid by the hand and calls for Dog.

I give her a weak smile as I watch her head down to the tunnels. A lot went through my mind in that moment. I thought about Eight locked up in that room, and how I wouldn't get to finish torturing him. I thought about the fallen people out back, and how Alice might never get to visit her sister again. But then I remember that at least we could give our people a chance, and join my men up top.

" **Your response is required**."

"Is that the Syndicate?"

"Yeah," I nod, loading my gun. "I didn't want to say anything to the others but I'm gonna be real fucking frank. I don't see us getting out of this, boys."

"Damn. I was really starting to like this place," Dalton grins at Butcher.

"I don't know what you're crying about. We're gonna take care of this shit, then I'm going back to bed."

At least Butcher is confident because I'm not. "Look, this isn't about protecting our home. Your wives, your girlfriends, your daughters, and our families are out there trying to get to safety. Hold the Syndicate off as long as you can so we can give them that chance."

We emerge from the front door armed to the teeth. The tables are quickly turned and used as some sort of cover. It's shitty cover as bullets chew right through them. I think I spend more time trying to dodge bullets than actually fire them until we use one of the vehicles to gather behind. I'm grateful for my men because I can't shoot worth a goddamn. I can just imagine Lucille brooding with jealousy.

"Shit, here comes another truck!"

Fuck! We're running low on ammunition, and all we've done is just kill a few of their men.

"Goddamn, how do they have so many bullets? Fuck," Connor yells.

"That ain't the only thing they've got." And truthfully, we've been lucky more grenades haven't been hurled our way. "Who's hit?"

"Just me, haus. I'll be okay."

I tie my bandana around Dalton's arm to help slow the bleeding.

"They're just fucking with us."

"No. I think they're playing it smart. They're trying not to attract too many undead with all the explosions." What's even worse is that we're trapped like fucking rats in this corner and they haven't even unleashed their full force on us. "Wait a second." Of course. "They want Sanctuary. That's why they're not throwing grenades at us."

"Uh. Might wanna rethink that." Marshall points beside our guard tower.

My eyes widen at the men with rocket launchers. "Fuck this. I ain't dying like some scared bitch."

"Hell yes," Dalton grins, "I love this fucking part!"

Yeah. You know what? He's fucking right. My reasoning for being alive is to protect our people, and I plan to do just fucking that. "I don't want any of them recognizable after you're done. Gonna be a whole bunch of faceless fucks to add to our fence." As we rise, ready to unload on the Syndicate, the twelve men on their front lines are slaughtered with a spray of bullets.

We look up at the guard tower to see King with Bryan, Tara, Lee, and Banks.

"Now," I yell at my men.

Marshall protects Hawkes.

Butcher protects Dalton.

I protect Connor.

Kuzma protects us all.

This time, the organization is on our side. We decimated any Syndicate fuck that tried to even reach for a grenade. Lucille had to sit this one out, but it didn't stop me from swinging my gun as tribute. Clean across this fuckers jaw as the left side of his face caves in. I jam my gun down his throat when he hits the ground and squeeze the trigger. Like spaghetti in the microwave his blood and flesh splatters on my shoes. It's getting harder for us to find cover from the constant fire flying every direction. I reach inside my jacket pocket to get my final clip. I'm ambushed from behind and hit my shoulder hard on the way down. I try to reload the clip as the Syndicate member raises his machete but the fucking thing jams. "Fuck you!"

Blood spurts from his neck as he drops to his knees.

Vasquez stretches his hand out pulling me up.

"Goddamn, am I happy to see you fuckers." I haul ass across the court yard and make every bullet count.

Kuzma runs out in front of me, plowing through a Syndicate I didn't even see that came around the truck.

"Thanks."

"Friend."

I smirk, starting for another trucks. Now it's time to start getting creative. I pull the rolling door and flatten one of the Syndicate's head only to raise the door again and take cover inside from the fucker shooting at me. He's dead before I even have time to close it all the way. I take his gun. "Thanks, fuck for brains." My concern is one of these scalpel jockey's heading back and giving away our location, but as I look around I see Dwight's group ambushing any stragglers. Guess it was stupid to think they wouldn't stay and fight.

Dog has retrieved one of Alice's knives and Kid's arrows before he starts mauling one of the Syndicate.

"You deceived me."

"Yeah, I did," I smirk. "You wouldn't have left, otherwise."

"Another valid point."

She didn't need it, but I looked after her while we finished off what was left. The Syndicate's cries are music I wish Lucille was here to hear.

"Dad," Cosworth screams.

I raise my gun, but I'm completely out. "No," I yell out at Hawkes as the Syndicate member focuses in on him.

Hawkes is also completely out.

Kuzma latches his arm around Hawkes just in time to flip him around and take the rest of the rounds in that clip.

It was some kind of slow motion hell watching thirteen rounds pumped into Kuzma before Alice's knife finally reaches the Syndicate.

"Papa," Kid shrills.

Jesus, fuck! No! "Butcher, Vasquez!" They're the only ones close to my size to help lift Kuzma. You know, a lot of people think you die instantly from gunshot wounds. It's very much the fucking opposite. Though you wish you did because it is some of the most antagonizing pain and it's clear across Kuzma's face. This is a man who comes across as invincible. Seeing that confidence shaken is a pretty hard fucking thing to watch.

Kid is hysterical as she cups her hands under Kuzma trying to catch the blood he's losing. Her screams only make me want to carry him faster through Sanctuary to escape them.

We get Kuzma up on the table as the rest of Sanctuary follows us into the infirmary.

"I need blood," Nicole shouts.

I'm the first one they take, but judging by the red floor, we're going to need a whole hell of a lot more. I watch Harlan and Nicole act almost as if they've never had a day of training in their life because nothing this life threatening has ever challenged us before. And I thought I was in bad shape.

"Is anyone A-?"

"Please, my blood type is compatible with A-," Alice begs.

"No, Alice, we need one of these big guys."

"I'm big!" Kid shows Nicole her arm.

I know that Kid doesn't understand, and it's fucking heartbreaking watching it. "Saviors, who is A-?"

Vasquez puts his hand up, moving through the crowd.

Thank fuck. Something in our favor. I couldn't ask for a better group of men. Men that shield others without a second thought.

"He's going into shock, move back!"

"Papa," Kid cries, clinging to his bloody shirt as Alice tries to pry her off.

I can't watch this shit, and funnel my way out.

King looks at me and shakes his head. "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but you need to know that what attacked our front gates was just some expendable grunts. We estimated three hundred men and that's if there isn't already men stationed where they were headed."

I grip the railing on the walkway and lower my head. "Fuck."

"We were lucky because we fell right into their laps. They're taking 29 north. I don't know how far or to where. We should regroup and start after them before it's too late."

"No. I need you here. 29 comes to an end so there's no telling where they could be. I'll think of something, but for now take a few people and start cleaning up that mess outside. Secure our gates."

"I just want to do my part."

"You did do your part. If you hadn't followed them back to Sanctuary, or even left in the first place we'd be dead."

"Just doesn't feel like enough."

"It is. We're grateful for what you did."

"Negan," Butcher calls. He shakes his head. "Alice and Kid… they need you."

I almost slip on all the goddamn blood on the floor. There's no way Kuzma could have survived without all this equipment that Alice and the others had found, but his body had been through so much I wonder if we're just keeping him in agony. He's not even awake anymore. I hold Alice close, gripping Kid's shoulder.

"Don't touch me," Kid sobs, pounding her little fists against my wrist. She flees into Alice's arms. "Why won't he wake up?"

"I do not have the answer," Alice cries.

Kid doesn't need to be in here, but I know the only way she's going to leave is with Alice and I can't ask that of Alice. I feel like this is just deja-fucking-vu for Alice and what she went through with me not but a few weeks ago.

Hawkes' face is so distraught, like he blames himself for what happened.

Morale is so shitty from these Syndicate fucks as is. If we lose Kuzma, my men will demand blood and they'll go about it without hesitation which means more of them will die because anger makes you stupid. I know that all too well.

...

It got to a point where Alice had no choice but to give Kuzma blood though it's only to end up back on the floor. Vasquez and I are both so weak, we can't even stand.

Nicole works to remove the bullets while Harlan sews up Kuzma. "Just five more."

All of the bullets missed his spine. One of them has completely damaged his right kidney, but his other one is okay.

My former wives help clean up the blood from the infirmary as my men worked outside to help pick up the mess the Syndicate had made and repair the fence.

Nicole sets her hand against the table like she's trying to catch her balance.

"What's wrong?"

"Just need a second."

"Nicole, you're not good to anyone if you pass out."

"Here," Dalton starts, taking her forceps, "let me, love."

"You're injured," I remind him.

"Was. Took the bullet out. I'm fine, haus."

I notice how Grimm hasn't left Kuzma's side, and it's more than just concern like everyone else. She's frantic and has even managed to drop her guard. Every now and then I'll see her nudge a tear from the corner of her eye. It makes me wonder if maybe the two have something going on.

Marshall comes into the infirmary and I'm certain it's bad fucking news. He drops all these packets at Kuzma's feet. "Celox. Syndicate had a ton of it in their vehicles."

This shit looks like cornmeal as they dump it into some of Kuzma's wounds on his shoulder and hip that Harlan hasn't been able to get to yet.

Alice, Grimm, and Kid help keep the pressure.

It actually stops the bleeding after a few minutes, giving Kuzma a real chance to fight.

...

"You need to rest," Alice instructs Kid, pointing to the chair I'm in.

"No! I don't want to lay with him," she sobs.

"It's not polite to speak about people like they are not present."

"I hate you," Kid screams at me. "This is your fault!"

I bite the inside of my cheek and look away from her.

"Your anger is misplaced, and it's hurtful."

Kid stamps her foot. "I don't care."

Alice flicks the roof of her mouth with her tongue in disapproval while shaking her head.

"Are you mad at me?"

She squats down so the two are on the same level.

It catches my attention when I look over and see how uncomfortable she is, like she's struggling with the words, but that's not it at all. Alice drops her stoic façade for a brief few moments.

"You're so angry, and you're just a baby," Alice cries. "You're going to end up like me. Bitter and cold towards everyone. You're going to push people away because it's just easier not to have those relationships than to be open to the idea of love."

I know she's not even talking to me but her words upset me. I- I swear to Christ I almost broke down right fucking there and said some hollow I love you. I care for this woman more than she fucking knows. More than anyone fucking knows. But it would be just that. An empty response. I'm sure everyone thinks that it's bullshit, but it's the truth. I just can't bring myself to love someone because I don't feel that emotion. In fact, before Alice came along, I didn't feel **anything**. The way that Alice, Kid, and I deal with things is so similar and maddening at the same fucking time. I just wanna fucking slap all three of us sometimes. We'd really make up one dysfunctional family.

Kid won't even do me the courtesy of speaking in front of me. She just whispers in Alice's ear.

Alice sets her on the table with Kuzma so she can lay at his feet. "I'll be right here with Negan."

I watch Alice tend to Kuzma by cleaning off his bloody face and hands before she joins me.

"Why is she so mad at me?"

"It's not polite to talk about people as if they are not present."

"Alice, please. Can't you drop the shit like you did for Kid and talk to me?"

"Sometimes I feel if we procreated that she would be the result."

I laugh so hard I wake Kid back up. Not exactly the watered down Alice I was talking about, but it was still fucking funny.

Kid gives me a dirty look before rolling over.

Part of me wanted to be like, _Alice, look what she did_ , but what am I? Five? Ugh, shit, that reminds me, my fucking birthday isn't far off. "Get some sleep. I'll wake you if anything changes." At least she won't need a pillow with this fucking gut.

...

Sherry runs her fingers across my hairline as it wakes me up.

"Don't touch my hair." I clear my throat and sit up straight.

"How is he doing?"

"Stable. I guess," I shrug.

"You guess?"

"He shouldn't be alive is what I'm saying."

"Well, he is."

"For how long?"

"Negan, you-"

"Sherry, if Kuzma dies, I am fucked. Kid hates me enough already and now she's blaming me for this shit. And Alice… it would just be one more family member she'd have to bury."

"Negan, this isn't on you."

"Of course this is my fault."

"For as long as I have known you, you have always put the blame on yourself. What if those men didn't attack Tara? What if Vic didn't hurt Alice? In our world, shit like this is just going to happen and, baby?" She holds me by the chubby cheeks. "It's going to happen whether you're here or not."

I sigh and hang my head. "I hate when you're right."

"I'm always right."

"No, you're a bitch."

"Well, you're a motherfucker."

"Do you kiss Marshall with that mouth?"

"That's not the only thing I use my mouth for on Marshall."

What was supposed to be a joke, just made something in me snap.

"Do you need any-"

"I need you to quit causing issues between my Lieutenants. You wanna fuck the whole seventh level go right the fuck ahead but what you did to Dwight the other night was bullshit."

"Jesus, chill out. I was just saying goodnight to Marshall."

"This might be the best advice I ever give you so listen the fuck up, Sherry. Marshall isn't going to put up with your shit like Dwight does, so keep your mouth fucking shut or you'll be out on your ass."

"You don't have-"

"Shut the fuck up, and I fucking mean it! Goddamn, woman, you just don't know when to close your legs or your mouth. We are not on the best of terms right now so don't give me your shit. Now go check on Grimm and see if she needs anything. And, Sherry? Leave Dwight the fuck alone. I mean it." There's a look I don't see often enough from her. Her without anything to say. I don't enjoy making people cry but Sherry had this coming. Shit, things need to go back to normal. Starting with the gigantic fuck on this table. I just want him to wake up so I can go back to being jealous.

* * *

I open my eyes to an empty lap, but I can hear Alice on the other side of the table with Kid. They're sitting on the floor whispering.

"I know papa will die, and then I'll only have you."

"You don't give anyone the opportunity to get close to you."

"I let Negan, and he hurt you. Papa would never hurt you. Why do you have to love Negan and not him?"

"The love I have for Kuzma and Negan is different."

"You love Kuzma like your papa?"

"Correct."

"I could never love Negan like that."

"Kid, when someone perishes you don't replace them."

"You don't?"

"No. Sometimes it might feel like you need to, to help fill that void but that's not how it works. You are fortunate that you've found someone like Kuzma, as am I. Most people do not get the opportunity to have that connection again."

"Things were just easier when I was alone."

"I know because then you don't get close to people so when something happens like this it doesn't hurt. Listen closely to my words. I know it pains you to see me upset, but that was something personal that Negan and I went through. You shouldn't have ill feelings towards him because of our disagreement."

"Who am I supposed to be mad at then?"

"No one."

"But I'm angry."

"Anger is a poor comfort. It does nothing but destroy yourself and hinder your progression."

Kid startles me when she pokes her head up over Kuzma. Her big eyes well up as she mouths the words I'm sorry.

Maybe it's stupid to want that validation from a ten year old, but goddamn it's a nice weight that's been lifted. I stick my tongue out at her as she giggles softly.

Kuzma takes a labored breath.

Alice touches his face as he slowly opens his eyes. "Kuzma?"

"Papa!" Kid climbs on the table.

Oh, fuck, thank fuck. "You big fuck, you scared the fucking shit out of us. You okay?"

Kuzma looks up at me with heavy eyes and a smile. "Hungry."

* * *

**A/N Will everyone let me know their top 5 (or however many favorite) OC's? Since Charli, Vic, and Tim are dead I didn't include them. Here's the list to make it easier. Alice, Bryan, Marshall, Joanna, Nicole, Rachel, Butcher, King, Grimm, Dalton, Church, Cosworth, Clara, Hawkes, Kid, Dog, Kuzma, Vasquez, Banks, Lee, Cindy, James, Hannah, Grady, Drew, and Finn. This will be helpful in future chapters.**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N The second part of this chapter has disturbing graphic details as Negan will recall events of the abuse from his father, as well as Lucille's death. Both are equally traumatic for Negan to explain. (For those of you who haven't read the comic, this is not canon. Who Lucille was and how she died is just something I made up because at the time we didn't know anything about her.)**

* * *

"Wait... wait." I lean against the tree, catching my breath. Trying to take this weight off is a motherfucker but at least I get to stare at Alice's ass when we run in the mornings. "You enjoying this?"

"The noises you're making sound comparable to the ones when we have intercourse, so, yes. I am thoroughly enjoying this."

"I don't know who you are, or what you've done with my little prude Alice, but I'm not terribly upset about it."

"We still have six more miles. I suggest a brief rest if we are to make good time."

"Oh, there she is. Almost too annoying to wanna fuck."

"That is my job as your partner."

I stretch my arm out and rub her ass a bit. "I like this fabric. It's real motherfucking nice." Part of me just wants to fuck the rest of this weight off, except I'm too goddamn vain. Like she's going to be staring at my man hams the whole time. I know she's getting frustrated every time I turn her down. "Two more miles?"

"Six."

I hate being a tubby fuck.

* * *

I step onto the roof where Dalton, Hawkes, and Marshall are using some of the undead on the fence as target practice. "Boys, leave me with Marshall." I think it's the first time I've seen him without a cigarette in his mouth. "Look, uh. Carson told me that Sherry asked for a room."

He shifts his toothpick to the other side of his mouth.

"If you're happy with Sherry fuck what everyone thinks."

He lets out a breathed laugh, spitting the wood to the ground. "Sherry ruined things because she doesn't know when to close her mouth. That stunt she pulled in front of Dwight when we were playing cards isn't the first time she's gone out of her way to make Dwight know we're together. I told you, I don't play that high school couple's skate bullshit."

"Yeah, she doesn't do herself any favors," I sigh, sinking my hands into my pocket.

"You seem disappointed."

"I worry about her health."

"Negan, regardless where I stand with her, she's one of us. If she's in pain we're going to do what we can to help her."

"I don't know how many goddamn times I told her to keep her fucking mouth shut because you weren't going to take her shit."

"I don't know how you deal with it to be honest."

"I'm not anymore. I can't. You taking it okay?"

"I'm fine. Besides," he smirks, resting his rifle against his shoulder. "No sense even trying. You got the best girl."

"You're goddamn right about that."

"Just know I'll take real good care of her if anything happens to you."

"Yeah, motherfucker? I hear the roof is a dangerous place. I'd hate for you to have an accident."

"Yeah, it'd be a shame if my gun just went off on the way down."

"You don't have enough rounds to take me out, you fuck," I smirk.

"Speaking of, how is Kuzma doing?"

"He probably wishes he was dead, but he's going to pull through."

"There's no way Hawkes would have survived that if Kuzma didn't take those rounds, and really Kuzma shouldn't be alive, either."

"We need to come together as a group and teach him some English and, until then, we need to make it a point to learn some basic stuff in his language. Make the fuck feel like he's a part of us. I'm going to make him a Lieutenant, but I doubt he'll even know what it means."

"I think we should also learn some sign language to help communicate with Vasquez."

"Yeah, that's a good idea."

"Alice is real good with that sign language thing."

"Her mom was deaf. I like the idea of her teaching the others. Anything to keep her inside these walls."

"Just so you know, I'm joking about all that stuff with Alice."

"No, you're fucking not," I laugh. "So, after you."

* * *

I'm surprised how far two weeks of running your balls off gets you, but it ain't e-fucking-nough. At least I've got some sun so I'm not some pale beluga fuck. I yank up the sleeve of my shirt. There used to be some well-rounded muscular shoulders, no doubt Lucille's doing. Maybe I've been going about this the wrong way. Instead of running, maybe I should be clearing.

"Negan," Joanna startles me.

"Make it quick, I'm busy."

"I've got all day, you know." She snickers at my annoyance. "I already know what you're going to say so let me just tell you I'm not asking your permission. This paint my nails bullshit waiting for Connor to get home is getting old."

"What do you think you did when you were with me?"

"I want to contribute. I have my machete. Let Marshall train me, or I'll do it on my own."

"Alright. Come with me."

"Seriously? Just like that?"

Truthfully, we need people to fight against the Syndicate but I know Joanna. Twenty minutes of this shit and she'll be begging me to take her back home.

...

Right on time, she's complaining. "Where are we going?"

"Thought you wanted to contribute?" There's this inlet where deer have been gathering. I still want my slab of venison. Plus, it's attracting the undead so that will be a nice workout. "Let me see that butter knife of yours."

"What are you doing?"

I take a decent sized hunk out of the side of this tree and hand it back to her. "In case we get separated or, god fucking forbid, we run into some other group of psychotic fucks I want you to follow this path until you get here. Then its north four miles."

"You think of everything, don't you?"

"Some call it paranoia." Sherry would.

"I don't think that. Sherry would."

I give her a breathed laugh.

"I heard Marshall left her."

"Does anyone mind their own fucking business?"

"Remember when you kissed Alice in the infirmary? No one said anything about that."

"Good. Keep it that way."

"What's it like to fuck her?"

"I wouldn't know. It's been so goddamn long."

"She not putting out?"

"It's, uh. It's me."

"I'm sure Alice doesn't care if you've put on a few pounds."

"What? Did she fucking run her mouth?"

"Yeah, right. Even when you ask her to speak in the meetings she barely has anything to say. You really think she's going to confide in me?"

I shift some in my jacket. "Well… is it that noticeable?"

"Really? How long have we known each other? For like fifteen years? You can't hide anything."

"Sixteen."

"Aww, I'm flattered."

"Look. Maybe I never said anything back then but I was in a really dark place. You really helped pull me out of it. So… thanks and shit. Ah, you're not going to do that crying fuckery, are you?"

"Better than a hug, right?"

"No. I don't like to see any of my girls cry."

"Oh, yeah, chubby hugs," she giggles.

"Bitch," I groan, pushing her off me.

"I'm sorry. I'll stop giving you shit. I know you have enough on your plate."

"Ha-fucking-ha."

She hurries ahead and lops the undead's head in half. "Just go home and fuck the rest of the weight off."

It always makes me laugh how Joanna thinks like a man. "She's a bitch."

"What?"

"Alice." I take a swing at one of the undead. "You asked what it was like to fuck her. She's bitchy. I love it. It's fucking hot and it gets my dick so fucking hard."

"Yeah, your dick sure does get hard," she smirks.

"I think I'm blush- stop. Wait."

"What is-"

"Quiet." My eyes follow the fresh muddy boot tracks. They're gigantic. There's also more than just one set of foot prints. A smaller set. "It's a man and a woman," I whisper.

Joanna grabs the back of my belt, clinging to it. "Why'd we stop?"

I extend Lucille outward pointing at dinner.

"Finally. I'm sick of pig."

That makes two of us. The only problem is how we're going to get the fucking thing. "I'm thinking if we make a few traps we can scare it in this direction."

"We?"

Who am I kidding? I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing but she doesn't need to know that. Maybe I can-

An arrow strikes the deer right in the broadside.

Fuck. I wanted that goddamn deer.

"Boo," Butcher laughs in my ear.

I'm so fucking startled I drop Lucille. "Jesus fucking fuck."

Kid hurries past me and to the deer.

Startled or not, I'm happy to see these fucks.

Butcher hurls his knife at another deer in the inlet. Or rather, one of Alice's old knives that belonged to her father.

"Yes," Kid cheers.

"Didn't think it would take," Butcher comments.

"This one is huge. If we gut him now it will help minimize the weight."

Well, at least carting this huge fucker back will be a work out.

Joanna spins around and slams her machete to the ground. "Shit!" She picks the rabbit up by the tail. "Did I kill it?"

Kid scoops the head up off the ground. "Unless you know a way to reattach this."

"Oh, god, I feel awful."

Butcher moves me, or rather shoves me, to the side. "Hi, I'm Butcher. I don't think we've met."

"I'm sure you've met my boyfriend Connor."

Butcher laughs nervously.

This poor motherfucker just has no luck with women at all.

"Wipe your mouth," Kid snaps at Butcher, jerking the rabbit from Joanna's hands before running off.

"I'll go after her," Joanna tells me.

"She was fine all morning," Butcher shrugs.

Oh, he's got a lot to learn. "She was fine when it was the two of you. Another woman comes in and threatens that changes things."

"Figures. The only female to show me interest and she's ten."

"She's twelve." My attempt to make him laugh doesn't faze him and he takes his frustration out gutting that deer. "I thought Alice introduced you to Molly."

"Molly is a freak. I mean that as respectful as I can. The things she wanted me to do-"

"I get it, trust me. And you're not the only one that has said that."

"I just want to settle down. Start a family before-" He launches his knife across the inlet killing an undead. "...before I end up not only looking like them, but becoming one. Whatever," he murmurs.

I don't really know what to say. I sure as shit wasn't trying to find companionship. Alice basically fell in my lap. Having a family? That shit doesn't interest me so I can't relate to the things Butcher wants. It just makes me realize I have no fucking clue what Alice sees in someone like me. This is fucking with my head. Thankfully, he's changed the subject and he's quick to field dress both deer so we can haul them back on our shoulders. The carcass isn't as heavy as I thought.

"Nothing like blood running down your ass crack," he jokes.

"It'll be worth it when I don't have to eat swine."

"Rather have a beer."

"We're playing cards next Friday."

"That turned into a fuck show last time. Wait, slow down, you're making me look bad." He resituates the deer back on his shoulders.

"I don't like being too far from the girls. This world… it ain't made for them anymore. I fucked up with Alice and Joanna. I'm trying my damnedest to make sure that doesn't happen with Kid."

"We were isolated for so long, we didn't realize how bad it got until we met Dalton. These men did unspeakable things to his girls before killing them. Grimm and I found him left for dead on the side of the road trying to track some deer. It took about a year for him to speak to us. I know how he can come across, but I figured if anyone could understand it'd be you."

"What do you mean?"

He points at Lucille. "What's that Alice calls you? A lout? Seems to me you're covering up how much pain you're really in by being obnoxious. It hurts less that way, I get it."

Guess I should give this big fuck some credit. "Funny fucks all day and night. You'd be surprised how much better it works. Come on, we've got a ways to catch up to them."

...

I set my deer carcass on the counter with Kid. "What was that about with Butcher?"

"Nothing."

"That didn't seem like nothing."

"Leave me alone!"

"I thought you weren't mad at me anymore?"

Kid sighs, stabbing her knife into the counter. "Butcher never notices me."

"You are two and a half feet shorter."

"Forget it."

"No, wait, now talk to me."

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I have all these weird feelings in my body. Like I'm two different people. I miss the old me."

"Uh." I clear my throat. "It's called. Well, see. Okay, it's like... so you have. Uh."

"Exactly."

"Alice would be real good to talk about this stuff with."

"Can she change me back?"

"No," I laugh. "You're going to be fine. Just means you're becoming a woman is all."

"So maybe then Butcher will notice me?"

"Erm. No. It doesn't work like that. You need to find someone your age."

"But I like him."

"I know someone you might be interested in. He's from another community. I can introduce you to him."

"I don't know, I'll think about it."

"Because you have so many other appealing options."

"I ain't trying to get fucking married."

I tilt my head to the side before letting out a loud guffaw at her choice in words. "Don't let Alice hear you say the word fuck."

"Oh." Kid's eyes widen. "Can she hear us? She'll be so upset if she knows I used the word ain't."

"Yeah, come to think of it that sounds more like her."

* * *

"You're not bidding with pills." I slide Carson's pill bottle back to him.

"Oh, come on. Just because you don't like a good time doesn't mean we don't." Connor pulls the pills back and sets them in the middle of the table. "They stay."

"We can just trade them back to Carson for something else," Marshall laughs.

"Fine. Fucking deal already, I'm losing my buzz." And my patience. "What are we playing?"

"Five card draw."

"Why are we playing in the kitchen? Don't we have a bar for a fucking reason?"

"Rachel is having a baby shower for one of those new girls we found in DC and kicked us out."

Jesus Christ, I never thought I'd see the day I'd be banished from a bar by the pudding club.

...

"Flush," Connor says.

"I fold." Marshall lights another cigarette.

"Fuck," Carson snaps, watching Connor snicker as his pills get taken.

Connor pops the top and spills them out to flaunt his winnings.

"I thought you gave that shit up anyhow?"

"I am now."

"Since I'm in such a great mood this evening, I'll share."

"No way," Marshall refuses.

Connor slides a pill over to Butcher, then throws one on the floor for Carson. "Negan, you're such a big fuck it will take like five."

"That's not how it works," Carson says.

"No. I don't want any fucking pills."

"You know how horny you get on this shit? Joanna and I are going to fuck all night."

"Fuck it." I reach my hand across the table and scoop up a pill. Not that I need any help in that department. I'm liable to injure Alice if we ever get to fuck again. Except this shit didn't do anything. We waited and waited, but nothing happened. "It's been almost a goddamn half an hour and I don't feel any fucking different. This shit is upsetting my stomach."

Connor slides the container across the table. "Take another one."

"No, I'm not taking another one. Fuck, it's hot in here." I pull at the collar on my shirt. "Marshall, you feel anything?"

"I didn't take one."

"Someone deal."

"God, you're a grouch. Negan, take another pill."

I look the pill over, then pop it in my mouth. "This shit ain't doing fuck all but give me hot flashes."

"Have another drink."

* * *

Twenty-one minutes and seven shots later.

* * *

I throw my head back and bellow out a laugh at completely fucking nothing. What in the actual fuck is going on right now?

Carson is trying to imitate Marshall's southern accent but he just ends up sounding like Yosemite Sam. "Welllllllll, howdy partner, I reckon-"One crack across the jaw and Carson is knocked the fuck out.

I notice Connor trying to scrape a piece of the wallpaper that has a watermelon on it off the wall. "What the fuck am I seeing?"

He stuffs as much of it in his mouth as he can. "It's all for the taking. There's just so much of it and you don't even have to use your points."

"Oh, hello there," I snicker. I reach out and run my hand down kevlar. "Yeah. That feels nice. Alice, take your vest off for me."

"Uh," Marshall laughs.

I start tugging at the piece of velcro. "Let me take it off- oh, Christ," I scream startled, falling from my seat.

It ain't fucking Alice. It's Vasquez with his arms folded.

Connor is drooling he's laughing so hard.

"Yeah, Vasquez, take it off," Butcher cackles.

I didn't need to know sign language to understand that fucks big middle finger turned at me. I'd apologize, but I've reached the point of the evening where I can't say complete sentences. "Fu… ck."

* * *

I lazily open my eyes. How in the fuck? I'm in my bed? But I was playing cards. And I'm... naked?

"Good morning."

"Shit," I jump at Alice's voice. I've never hated small talk more than I do right now. "Did we fuck?" That fucking ear to ear grin of hers tells me all I need to know. "I fucked you without any clothes on? Not even boots?"

"You were practically in your undergarment before we even made it to the third level."

"I don't even know what the fuck happened."

"Shall I recall the events?"

"You fucking take advantage of me while I was fucked up?"

"Absolutely. You approached me and I didn't want to waste the side effects of the drugs you took."

"Which would fucking be?"

"Increased blood flow to a specific muscle. In fact, I was able to find multiple releases from the amount of time you were able to keep your arousal."

"Well... did I come?" It's more of a pout than a question.

"No. Also, please know intercourse was strictly on or against objects. Your bed not being one."

"I don't understand how I don't remember a goddamn thing."

"Are you displeased with me?"

"I'm displeased with you when you fucking use that word. Stop it. You got it in. Good for you. Just wish I could have enjoyed it is all."

"I am willing to return to the shower."

"No, not with this gut."

"It's not as pronounced as you think."

"I said no."

"Very well. I'm going to start my day."

I'm going back to bed.

* * *

I sink my hands in my pocket as I look down at Charli's grave. "Hey, loser. There's something that I want to ask you. You're probably not going to be too happy. I think you'll change your mind once you hear me out." In my hand is Charli's pocket watch. I found it on her before I buried her. The words are slow to come out of my mouth. I fumble and keep looking over my shoulder as if someone is listening to me. "If you could just give me some type of sign." Fuck. I look for any kind of sign. A blowing leaf, a sudden noise, a beam of light coming through the clouds. Nothing. Absolutely nothing in return. "Yeah. Okay," I frown, easing the watch back inside my pocket. I inch away from her grave thinking at any moment I'd get my sign. Nothing. Still nothing. Even after I was almost back inside, I run back and stick my head around the corner of Sanctuary. "Fuck, alright, I'm leaving," I murmur.

* * *

I turn to the side some in the mirror as it catches my attention. The mirror is something I've contemplated breaking again because I don't like the image, yet I feel like a fucking tool right now gawking at myself. These few months of grueling hard work have finally paid off. My arms have definition again. The best part? "Alice," I yell, "Alice, I got those cock muscles you like!"

"Uh," Carson rubs the back of his neck, followed by an uncomfortable throat clear. "People have arrived from Alexandria for the monthly trade of overstock."

"Chart everything. Inventory was sloppy last time, and we can't afford to be short on anything."

"Yes, Sir."

Damn. What fucking timing. I take Alice by the bicep when she passes me as I'm going down the steps. "Go wait for me in my room. I have something I want to give you."

"Very well."

Oh, my little stoic fuck... I'm going to fucking wreck you.

...

I normally make my presence known when Rick's men are here though today I have an agenda. Before I even make it over to them I give Marshall a double take. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Marshall is about as pale as the time he lost all that blood.

"Is it Olivia?"

He starts rubbing his elbow uncomfortable. "No."

"Well, what is... oh," I snicker.

"Yeah, laugh it up. I know it ain't manly."

I press my hands to my knees and bellow out a laugh. "Seriously? This bad ass motherfucker faces the horrors in Afghanistan but is afraid of a fucking horse?!"

He clears his throat with a whimper.

"Do you want me to have Hawkes hold you?"

"I think I'll go see if Alice will."

"Fucking prick." Speaking of pricks, Rick came this time instead of Carl. Guess I'll have to wait until next month to talk to him about Kid. I saunter over to Olivia and knock the crate out of her hand. "What's the big deal you cutting out on us like that? Not even a reach around."

She rolls her eyes annoyed and picks up the crate.

"So I heard you and Marshall quit banging. You know, he could have any woman he wants, but he chose you. That's gotta account for something."

That pisses her off. She slams the crate down in the back of the buggy. "I found Jennifer's ring, Negan. He still keeps the fucking thing."

"So? Does he rub his dick on it? Named the fucking thing Jennifer because he can't get past her death?" I know that Alice is the one for me because she has always accepted my love for Lucille. She never once had become jealous or angry over her. "It's a ring. Big fucking deal."

"Sorry I'm not as accepting of Marshall's dead wife like Alice is of yours."

"Fuck you, Olivia, you fucking fuck! After every goddamn thing I did for you, you ungrateful bitch."

...

Goddammit! I shit you not, I open my bedroom door back up just to slam it again.

"Will you cease from taking your anger out on objects with hinges clinging on for dear life as is?"

No one likes to be told to calm down when they're upset. I shoot Alice a glare and grind my teeth. "Am I gonna wake up one day and find you've run off to the Safe-Zone?"

She dismisses my question.

I rip that motherfucker from her hands and toss the book over my shoulder before bracing both arms of the chair. "What am I going to do the day you tell me you love me and leave because I don't say it back?"

"If you want to have a serious conversation, I suggest you say what you mean."

"You know I can't return your love. You know this, right?"

Her eyes spill with tears. "You always do this to me," she weeps. "You let people poison your thoughts about us, then try to convince me we're not suitable mates because you won't say a four letter word that I have told you I don't need returned!" I'm struck across the face twice.

I feel like the worst person in the world. "I don't deserve you." I slither to the floor, laying my head in her lap. My eyes well up when she strokes my hair.

"I have seen you give your life for me countless times. Why would you ever make that statement?"

"Because, I would have left if the situation was reversed."

"No. You wouldn't."

She's right. She's always right. As if I'd let her walk out of my life. I'm an idiot.

"Do you still have something for me?"

"Maybe later."

"Very well. If you feel comforted, I'm going to shower."

Not really, but I need to quit being such a baby about things and I let her go. I thought about joining her in the shower, but I'm sure that would consist of me standing there waiting irritated while she cleans herself. At least that visual brings a smile to my lips.

...

"What the fuck?" I'm laughing my ass off because she's only wearing a pair of my boots she found in the bathroom and her underwear. "That's a good look for you."

"My appearance was not the priority."

"I know that, dick. Come here." I reach for her and pull her in the bed as she kicks off the boots, otherwise it takes her forever.

"Will you lay close to me?"

"What, like cuddle?"

"Cuddling sounds juvenile. You're not my boyfriend."

"What am I then?"

"I suppose I never put a label on us."

I tug the sheet up some because her tits are distracting. "That doesn't mean you're sneaking off and fucking around on me are you?"

"I am faithful to you."

"I know, it was a joke. Like I say something and you laugh."

She's a stonewall.

"I guess I never really gave much thought to it, either. It's different though with you. When I'm all horny and shit I want you and only you. It's more than just fucking. I actually want to be around you. Fuck, I look forward to it. You're not fucking clingy, or need constant validation. You know how to shut the fuck up and when you do speak you know exactly what to say. You accept me for me. I fought too goddamn hard for you to ever let go."

"Precisely. You are mine, and I am yours. I love you."

I press my lips to her temple before rolling her over so she's on her back. Maybe one day I'll be able to say it in return but, until then, I want her to know how much she fucking means to me and I don't know any other way than this. I scoot down between her legs, quickly discarding her only article of clothing.

She keeps a close watch on me.

I know she dislikes my mouth there, but it's serving a purpose. Alright. Here goes nothing I guess. I stretch myself over her, claiming her in one quick thrust.

"Oh," she whines, "the bed?"

This is so fucking awkward. I try and focus on her emphasized little moans or the way she eagerly moves her hips up to meet each one of my thrusts but it becomes too much. I'm eighteen again bound to the chair.

_Negan, help!_

_Lucille, I'm sorry._

I take a deep breath and still my hips.

"Are you okay?"

I press my lips to hers so I don't have to talk about it as I pick up my pace.

"Negan."

_Negan! Negan!_

I hurry off of Alice and claw at the side of my head. "Fucking, Christ, I can't do this."

"It's alright, we don't have to."

_Stop, please!_

I stumble out of bed, running to the parlor. Lucille's screams won't leave my fucking head. I snatch a bottle of bourbon and chug what's left. Fucking useless crutch. I have a seat in my chair and grab my head. All these fucking demons resurface as I vividly recall what Leon did to her.

Alice sits at my feet, her eyes overflowing with tears.

"You know it's the fucking guilt I feel, right? That I'm not pining over this other woman that isn't you."

She grabs my cheek. "What do you need from me?"

"I need to be by myself."

She nods her head, going back into the bedroom.

I stare blankly at the floor, wishing I could retrace a few steps like resorting to liquor instead of dealing with my issues. I've pushed the one person away that I know can help me. I just don't think it's fair to her. No other woman would suffer through this shit like Alice does continually for me. She was so concerned about my well-being that she came out here with bare feet. I find her sitting nervously at the edge of my bed with her fidgeting hands in her lap. They're replaced with my head. It looks so fucking pathetic. This grown ass man curled up begging to be coddled. It's sickening.

Her fingers lightly trace my hairline. "Tell me what to do."

"No."

"Then show me."

I frown and shake my head.

"I believe it will help."

"You're really starting to piss me the fuck off." I whine at the glare she shoots me. "Alice, it's been over twenty years, and that's if it's even still there."

"When I returned home that day, there was a certain closure I got from scrubbing the mud from their boots off my floor. You need to do this. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps there's nothing there. However, what if there is?"

"I fucking hate when you're right."

* * *

As we pull up to my house, it's still rather unsettling how not much has changed. It's still decrepit. Rotted boards. Chipped paint. Broken windows. Like it was already long for this world well before the outbreak even started. I know we were here earlier this year, but I feel like I have a better head on my shoulders this time. "Well. Here's our first stop on the Negan fuck show," I sigh, killing my bike. Guess not.

Alice curls her fingers around my bicep.

"Don't touch me," I snap as if I'm reliving older days. Her touch is like a burn even long after she's apologized and removed them. I want to rip my skin off to rid the feeling. "I can't fucking do this." I start the bike up again, but she hurries off it. It angers me because I feel like she's forcing me to talk about things I don't want to. The truth is I really do want to talk. I need someone like her to bring this out of me. Otherwise, I'm going to take this shit to my grave. If it doesn't put me there. I stare at a spot in the front yard.

_Hold still, you little shit._

My eyes are already pooling over. What a bitch. I clear my throat and start for the house. Oh, didn't notice this last time. I kick through the rotted wood on the porch. Like Alice ridding the mud from her floor, I'm about to do the same thing. I will always remember the image of them taking my father's body from my house after I killed that motherfucker. His blood will not taint any part of my house. I gather up the blood stained wood to relocate to the fireplace. Burn, motherfucker. Well, it technically wouldn't be his first time. "I ever tell you how I killed him?"

She shakes her head no.

I thought I did? That's right, I told Vasquez and Connor. Alice has that same squeamish look that Connor did when I'm through reminiscing. "I guarantee you the pain he felt wasn't even a fraction of what my mother and I endured from his abuse." Shit, maybe it was. Maybe he was living some kind of personal hell through all this. At least I had my mother. He got it from both his mother and father. Not that I trust anything that left his fucking mouth. Except when he threatened me. That was one thing I could **always** count on. I move some of the wood around in the fire with the poker. "His weapon of choice." I pull it from the fire and have a look over it once. "Sing, you little shit, he'd say."

_Sing, you little shit!_

"Sing or..."

_Sing or I'll break her jaw._

"… or I'll break her jaw." I take a swing right in front of the recliner.

_London Bridge is falling down…_

Another swing.

_Another swing._

"Then in the fire went the iron. I sobbed the rest of the song while I watched the poker heat up." I lean over and take Alice's hand, then press her fingers to the side of my head. "Right here. That's where he hit me with it. When I woke up on the sixth day I was in the hospital. Never the same hospital though. He was smart like that. Always had some elaborate story. I remember the look on his face when I opened my eyes as that cocksucker hummed that fucking nursery rhyme to my mother in his arms while the doctor looked me over. He knew I wouldn't say shit because my mom would be in the bed beside me." Everywhere in this fucking house memories force their way into my mind. The kitchen is by far the most traumatic place. "His hands were disgusting. They'd scooped that congealed fucking sickly gray canned swine meat and it was shoved into my mouth. Then his fingers wrapped around my mouth so I'd swallow it. I threw up and he made me swallow that, too. Yep. That was a **good** day. One time the cast iron frying pan went right across my jaw. I couldn't tell you if the bacon grease still scalding hot or the break hurt more. He took me outside and rolled me around in the mud. Ripped my shirt some. Put leaves in my hair. I didn't understand it until we got to the hospital. My son fell off the roof, he screamed at the nurses. He had everyone fooled. Fuck, even me. That was the first and only time he ever called me his son." I have a seat on the couch, tapping the poker to the tip of my boot. "He could threaten me all day. Hurt me all he wanted. I didn't care because as long as he kept his anger focused on me, it meant he wasn't taking that abuse out on my mother. I think my mother and I both tried to hide his abuse from each other. She'd always have these little marks on her. Say that one of the men at the club was grabbing her, but I knew my father did that to her because those were the same fucking marks on me that I tried to cover up or lie about. You were the first person after my mom that I let touch me. For me, touch has always represented pain."

"May I?" She reaches for the fire poker.

I let it fall from my fingers as I move my arms around her waist. My cheek firm against that vest I fucking loathe so goddamn much, yet it's become this extent of her. My comfort comes when her fingers run against the grain of my hair. Something that I only allow her. I've come such a long way since knowing her, yet I don't feel like I've had to sacrifice who I am in doing so. It's effortless. I slide my hands up her back, wrapping them around her shoulders as I press my lips to hers. I've never been one for that passionate bullshit so I can't explain what came over me. For those few minutes, I forget everything but her. It's the only time I don't curse finding my release. In fact, neither of us speak. My eyes follow her from the living room as she goes to clean up. I wipe the tears from my cheek before stomping out the fire. Part of me just wanted to leave it and watch this house burn until there was nothing left. Maybe another time. "Wait for me outside." Story time is over. Closed. It's not something I ever want to revisit again. I've said my piece. This nightmare is fucking done. I stuff my mom's watch into my pocket before I start for the door. As it latches closed it becomes too much for the house. It started with the left side, then I hear one of the back windows shatter. The house collapses in on itself only sparing some of the porch where I'm standing.

"Negan," Alice screams, coughing from the debris.

"Fuck." I blink twice in disbelief at what's left.

She lets out a relieved breath and takes my hand.

"I think I got my sign."

"What sign?"

"Nothing," I smile. "Let's go."

...

I've been back to this place at least a thousand times in my mind. "Be careful," I tell Alice, helping her up the already collapsing steps. Her eyes are the widest I've ever seen as everywhere she looks it's perversion. She doesn't even belong in a brothel. Not that Lucille ever did, either.

"The Parlor," she whispers.

The name is carved in wood as it stretches over the long hallway we start down until we arrive in front of the deep crimson double doors. It's almost identical to the way I remember it. Red velvet lounges. A long book case. Even several nude paintings. I pick up Lucille's ashtray and set it on her vanity. "She was a heavy smoker," I smile. "I used to bitch at her all the time for that shit. That it would ruin her flawless beautiful skin." My eyes move to the burn scars on Alice's wrist. "I- I didn't mean it like that."

"This isn't about me. Keep talking."

"After she died, it became a habit of mine for a little bit. The smell was soothing. I used to pretend that someone cared enough about me to try to convince me to stop. Guess that's kinda fucking stupid, huh?"

"I think a lot of people do harmful things in order to get attention. To find that one person out there that can convince them their life is worth living."

"Do you think that, uh… that maybe I convinced you your life is worth living?"

"Undeniably."

"This is a lot to fucking deal with in one day."

"It's been an emotional day."

It needs to happen. It's a chapter of mine that I've been wanting to close for a while. I just don't know if I'm ready. Not this one at least. "Every part of her that I loved was mangled and disfigured. One of her beautiful blue eyes completely caved in. Her teeth gone. Leon just fucking laughed. Laughed over her screams. She meant so fucking much to me, yet so little to him. I will always remember the sounds of those brass knuckles as they came into contact with her flesh." I dry heave and take a second to collect myself. "After she died, things just fell to fuck. I shut everything off." It's something I admire about Alice. Her ability to keep that stoic persona. Something I am truly jealous of. "I learned a lot for the few years I was here. Forgot about my hatred for my father for a long time. Out of everything my father put us through, it doesn't compare to what Leon did to her." I trace my finger down one of the necklaces she has on her vanity. "I got her this when we first met. Thought it would help my chances. It's tacky and cheap. Things that she wasn't, but she loved it and wore the fuck out of it," I smirk. "Lucille would always say the craziest shit I had ever heard and that says a lot."

_I want you to fuck these two while I watch._

_Ser-seriously?_

_I like to watch, to see what gets you off._

"But it wasn't all strippers and rainbows."

_You don't love me. I'm just your toy._

_Love isn't real, it's an illusion created by our minds to trick us into-_

_Lucille_ _, how can you swallow that shit? I see the way you look at Leon!_

_Don't raise your voice to me._

_I've done everything you've ever asked of me. I didn't do it because I wanted to fuck you, I did it because I'd do anything for you, yet you won't leave this life behind for me?_

"Isn't this bothering you? I'm reminiscing like some pathetic motherfucker about a woman that was never mine to the woman that is."

"These are your most private thoughts relived. Bothering me? No, I am privileged to get that opportunity. Negan, do you comprehend just how intimate this is?"

"I think your idea of intimacy is a bit different from other women," I laugh.

"That is why we are suitable mates."

"Go wait for me on my bike. I'll be down in a bit."

"Would you like any items of hers to bring home?" Alice holds out her backpack.

"No. Just some privacy."

"Very well."

"Alice?" I take her small hand. "Thank you."

"Of course. Take your time."

I have a seat on the blood stained mattress as the rusty springs are ready to give.

_She's the only bitch I've ever truly loved._

"I gotta let you go." I hang my head as tears dampen my jeans. "But I don't know if I can. Or maybe it's that I don't want to," I choke. It's time. It has to be. It's the only way that I'm going to heal. To progress, and live this extraordinary second chance I've been given.

_Nothing hurts worse than being robbed the chance to tell someone you care for goodbye._

I start to close her bedroom door shut

_Lucille is a bitch, but she's_ _**my** _ _bitch._

"Goodbye, Lucille."


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N This chapter is kind of… fluffy? I don't even know if that's the right word. Boring. Anyhow, enjoy it because** **it's all downhill from here as we head into the final few chapters. It's 217 day! Yay, lol.**

* * *

What a shit goddamn fucking day. We didn't find fuck all scavenging, and King cracked one of his ribs. I hit my head so goddamn hard, I blacked out. On top of this, Alice didn't feel well, so she stayed home which means I'm not getting any birthday sex. I stand in the doorway of the parlor, one eye brow cocked. "The fuck?" I scan the room to see my former wives making themselves comfortable.

"Oh, you're home," Rachel smiles.

"Are you hungry, Negan?" Amber asks.

"Ha-fucking-ha. Nice joke. Everyone get the fuck out!"

Nicole gets off the first lounge. "Baby, what happened to your head?"

"Apparently I hit it way too fucking hard. Out!"

"Nicole, check and see if he's got a concussion. He's acting weird," Sherry says, feeling my face.

"Don't touch me!"

"He seems normal. Still bitching when we touch him."

What the fuck is going on!? Am I dreaming? This is a fucking dream. "Nicole, did you check on Alice today? She wasn't feeling well."

"Who's Alice?"

I grit my teeth together. "This shit ain't fucking funny. I'm going into my room to get my fucking clothes and when I come back out all of you better fucking be gone!" I slam my bedroom door. "You won't fucking believe- Alice?" The fuck is happening right now! Where is Alice? I open back up my door, punching the bookcase. "I want things back to the way they fucking were!" I kick one of the nightstands over when they all just stand there looking at me. "I don't want this life!"

"Negan, stop it! You're scaring us!"

"It's okay, I know what will make him feel better. Birthday sex." Rachel runs her hand over Joanna's stomach.

Okay, now I know I'm fucking dreaming because those two don't even fucking get along! "Where's my Alice?!"

There's a soft knock on the door.

"Birthday sex will have to wait," Sherry says, opening the parlor door. "It's okay, you don't have to go through it if you don't want to," she tells the guest.

Joanna sits next to me. "New wife interview!"

"New wife intervi- This is e-fucking-nough!" Jesus Christ, I hit my head harder than I thought. This is all a goddamn dream. It's just a fucking dream, Negan. I sigh relieved when Alice walks in. "Thank fucking fuck."

Sherry apologizes to Alice. "He's been acting a little funny since he got home."

"Shall I return at another time?"

"That's up to you. Your place here is strictly voluntary. That is, if you choose to be a wife."

I narrow my eyes, looking Alice over. She's not wearing her uniform. Instead it's some frilly white laced short dress and heels. My sour mood fades instantly as my lip begins to curl upward. Motherfuck me. I know exactly what's happening here. A little birthday roleplay present. Goddamn, all this time and she can still surprise me.

Sherry brings Alice over to me.

I can tell Alice is struggling not to have her usual awkward mannerisms.

"This is Negan. Negan, this is uh, I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

"Her name ain't fucking important. Sherry, why'd you bring me such a high maintenance broad?"

Alice shoots me a glare. "Excuse me?"

"Be quiet. It ain't your turn to speak."

Alice parts her lips in shock.

"She, uh, volunteered, Negan," Sherry flushes. "Don't you think you should give her a chance?"

"Look, I just want my dick sucked. You don't seem like the kind of girl that would take a shot in the mouth, though who am I to judge? We can have a little chat, but don't get too fucking comfortable. Girls, leave so I can have a talk with the virgin." I sit back against the lounge, pressing one of my boots to the coffee table. "I'm surprised my mouth hasn't run you off yet."

"Why would I take offence to something that isn't true?"

"Oh, so you're a high maintenance harlot then? Gotcha. Well, we might get along after all, fuck!"

"How long are you going to treat me like you don't want to push my dress up and bend me over the arm of this lounge?"

"That mean you're not wearing any underwear?"

"Would you like to take a peek?" She tugs on the hem of her dress.

No! What the fuck man?! Don't let her win! "If you're this eager to hike your dress up, it kind of makes me wonder how many others have been in my position."

"I suppose I won't waste any more of your time then."

I might be weak, but I'm not about to break now goddammit! She'll come back. She won't turn that knob. She won't open the door. She won't go out it. Fuck! Oh, thank fuck, she's back. Composure, Negan. Composure. "Thought you weren't going to waste any more of my time?"

"Please?"

"Why are you here?"

"I have expensive taste. Being a wife will afford me nice things. Pearls, shoes, wine." She's back at my feet again. "I can assure you that I am clean."

"I already have five wives."

"You wouldn't need five wives if you had me."

She's goddamn right about that. Just thinking about that tight cunt has my dick hard. Focus! "I have an arrangement with each one of my wives. What would be yours?"

"No longer having to earn points is arrangement enough."

"Good fucking answer. If I rip that pretty little dress will you be mad?"

"I'd prefer you not rip any of my clothing."

"So she does have rules. Fair enough. Mine are pretty simple, too. I don't kiss, or sleep with my wives. You're not allowed in my room and this goes without saying but you belong to **me**."

"Understandable."

"We won't have an issue with that last rule, will we?"

"I lived with another Savior before this but he was an arrogant prick. I'm ready for a change."

Goddamn her. "You probably deserved it."

She folds her arms.

"Lower your arms. I won't tolerate disrespect."

"…very well."

Shit, my dick is about to bust the zipper in these pants. I adjust the denim, clearing my throat. "Being a wife you'll be expected to perform certain… duties, **if** you know what I mean."

"Intercou- err, sex. Yes, I understand."

My eyes trail her curves in that fucking bullshit dress. I hover my hands by her thighs, waiting for the approval to touch her.

She gives me an eager nod.

I run my hand up the back of her leg and over the curve of her ass. "You fucking slut. Running around my Sanctuary like this." I give her a sharp smack on her bare ass. "Goddamn, you might be the best wife I ever had-"

"If I wanted to talk I would have worn undergarments."

"Did you really just fucking say that to me?"

"I-"

I take this woman to her knees as I scoot towards the edge of the lounge. Maybe I'm a bit rough with her, but I'll be sorry later. I bellow out a laugh when I force myself into her irritating mouth. It's surprisingly easy to fall back into my boorish ways. Treating her like I don't give a fuck only makes it difficult not to shoot down her throat. I'm given some kind of muffle against my cock as I slip from her mouth. "The only word that should come from your mouth is Negan." I move myself across those rouge lips with a snicker until I feel the sting of her hand.

"I'm not going to **allow** you to talk to me the way you are. Drop this entire facade because you are anything but the dominant one in the bedroom. Otherwise, you wouldn't be bleeding and I wouldn't be standing here speaking to the brute Savior leader in this tone. If you want this to work, keep that filthy mouth shut unless it's to moan my name. Alice. Not high maintenance broad. Not high maintenance harlot, and definitely not slut. Alice. Am I understood?" She pushes my chin up to close my wide open mouth.

I nod before I get blood in my other eye.

"Good. Now, pleasure me, lout."

Is this a test? She hates when I try to go down on her. Well, not hates. Dislikes. I roll my eyes in annoyance.

The wood on her heel digs into my hip impatiently.

I let out an uncomfortable grunt before I sweep her legs out from under her so she's on my lap.

She flicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth disappointed before those lips are against mine.

We're still not any better at this. She tries to lead when I'm trying to be the dominant one. If she's going to break one of my rules in this little role play fantasy, I'm going to break hers and I strip her from that dress in one rip. I really expect another slap, welcomed, but it doesn't come and she is all fucking over me. Though I understand it because it's been months since I fucked her so well she can't move. Unlike whatever that sappy fuckery at my house was.

Her small hand starts tugging against my arousal. Slow long strokes at first until it's just the head she's furiously working.

Fuck. I let out a deep breath, moving my hips with her. My eyelids involuntarily close because it feels so cocksucking motherfucking good. I use my forearm to sweep the blood from my face when it starts to burn my goddamn eye. Judging by the look on hers I'd say she loves nothing more than when I'm bloody under her.

Alice takes her hand from me not a moment too soon before she works my shirt up and off, eyeing me over. "You have the best physique I've ever seen."

I know this. She's told me.

She runs her fingers down my cock muscles as it tightens the ones in my stomach.

I don't remember that annoying word she calls them.

"A slab of muscular perfection."

"I ain't trying to fuck myself."

"I thought I told you not to speak." She chooses to steady herself by my throat before coming down on me hard.

I more than make up for the not speaking shit when a block of profanity leaves my lips. Goddammit, fuck. I did not expect that.

Both of her tiny hands grip my thick neck as she uses the weight of her body to help choke me. She has never taken control of me like this before.

There's a part of me that secretly wonders if she's into this kinky fuckery. Like more than one should be. Maybe it's because of what those men did to her, and this is just one more way she can feel in control. She is right though. All goddamn day I'm making decisions. Telling people what to do and when to do it. It's just nice to sit back and let her go to fucking town. Who would have thought my little prude Alice is such a freak behind closed doors? "Ride that dick."

Her hips push back against mine, her knees digging into the lounge. Alice leans her head back to moan my name.

It's getting more difficult to breathe and that's fucking perfect because I like my air supply cut off. It's why I hold my breath. I make her moan my name again when I flick my tongue over her little peak. The moment she starts to slow from fatigue, it's over. I let her have her fun, now it's time to release all this aggression from the last few months.

Alice gives me a whimper when she's forced on the lounge.

I hook her leg and drag her ass to the edge. My fingers run over smooth flesh as I circle up and back down again. I push my hips forward a bit, showing her my engorged length. "Look at how wet you fucking are. Holy fuckedy!"

She runs her finger against my hilt where some has gathered then wipes it across my lips.

I twitch in excitement, claiming her and her mouth. Fuck, it's so fucking hot when her tongue moves up my lips, curling back into her mouth. I see all her little insecurities leave those innocent eyes. It's a look that's reserved just for me. I brace the back of the lounge and give her a lustful grin.

"Harder, Negan."

I move her leg up some by the back of her knee, delving farther inside her. "Fuck," I grunt.

She gasps, letting out a whine.

The concrete floor feels like shit against my knees, but goddamn she looks good from this angle. There's an expression she gives when I can tell she's had enough and she's ready to scream my name, complete with some new bloody indention I'll have from those nails. They're not even that fucking sharp except in that moment of bliss. I grunt when they dig into my forearm.

"Negan!"

I love the feeling as she tightens around me in her overwhelming moment of release. Knowing that look belongs to me and only me. "Shit, Alice!" When she sits up, I push between her lips into that vexatious little mouth. I pull in a lung full of air, gritting my teeth. Those fucking sultry eyes staring up at me, ruining me. They could coax me into anything. I tense up in every muscle before finding my release. "Oh, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck!" She moans against my cock as I shoot again. I tilt my head back thankful I finally fucked this woman into submission. Her lips on my skin feel so fucking good as they kiss up my warm flesh. I start to laugh as she joins me. "You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack."

"You **are** an old man now."

"Fuck you," I smirk.

"Happy Birthday."

"I'd fucking say."

"Take me to our bed."

"Nope, sorry. That's one of my rules. You'll have to sleep out here with my other wives." I move her back against me when she tries to get up.

"I'm sorry I was deceitful about my health."

"It is fucking alright. Trust me."

"It was strange not being by your side today."

"Speaking of that. What do you think about playing this little fantasy out the rest of the week?"

"What would I do all day?"

"Sleep. Read. Wipe down the parlor with ammonia."

She starts to giggle.

"Won't it be nice not to have to scrub out blood from under your fingernails?"

"Exceedingly."

"No more sore feet."

"I enjoy your foot rubs."

"Numbers, I want you to consider this as a favor to me. I want to come home knowing you're warm and safe. Waiting on me in skimpy lingerie."

"Alright, I will agree to this for one week."

"Fuck yeah. Well, sleep tight."

"Wait! You're serious about me sleeping out here?"

"Mhmm." Hell fucking no I ain't serious, but it was funny to mess with her. Especially watching her pout as she tries to half ass make Joanna's old bed to sleep on. Too bad my laughing gives it away.

* * *

I'm like a working stiff pencil pusher at five o'clock on Friday waiting to go home. I trip twice on the way up the steps. "Please be naked, please be fucking naked." I slowly open the parlor door.

She's stretched out on one of the lounges, reading a book.

Fuck yes!

Alice shuts her book and rolls over on her side so her naked body faces me.

"Close your eyes." I kneel down in front of her, slipping on the heels I picked out especially for her. "Alright, you may open them."

She gasps, looking the glitter slingback heels over. "Louboutin!"

Yeah, Lou-fucking-boutin. Let me tell you a thing about this cocksucker. Eight hundred goddamn dollars for a pair of these things. I did six months in jail for stealing a pair of them for Lucille one time.

Alice instantly has my cock in her mouth.

This is going to be the best week of my life.

* * *

I don't really believe my eyes at this shit. In fact, "Carson, give me your glasses. I motherfucking **know** I can't be reading this shit right."

"Inventory is correct," he cowers.

"Pathetic. You and this list. Call a meeting."

"Yes, S-sir."

"Wait. Wait." I rub my brow. "I'm… sorry and shit. I know I always bust your balls and you're just the messenger. Now skip the fuck along." This meeting turns out to be a bad idea because all it does is further my anger as I watch people casually stroll into this fucker. "Sit down," I bellow, startling even the big motherfuckers. "How many goddamn times are we going to have this same conversation? Maybe when you fucking go a week without food, you'll know just how serious this shit is. The garden and the greenhouse are imperative to our survival yet I constantly see shit wasted because shit ain't watered, or it's fucking neglected. The Safe-Zone has a mill and their own bread while we're here bartering biodiesel for it. It's fucking stupid, and it's going to change. It has to change. This isn't me being some hard motherfucker. We are not getting any younger here, Saviors. I hate to break it to you people but eventually we're going to run out of shit to scavenge. No more fucking knickknacks or canned this and that. There's only a few months until winter. Get it the fuck together. Mark, water run. Marshall, take truck one. Dwight, truck two. Butcher, truck three in place of Kuzma. Don't bother coming back without something to show for it. Everyone else, garden or greenhouse." Bunch of fucking children, and the one child is the only one who acts like an adult! If we get too goddamn comfortable, we're dead. Shit! Kuzma startles me when I come around the corner. "Why aren't you resting?"

"Hungry."

"Cindy," I call. "Make Kuzma something to eat. Take it to the infirmary. Food is uh… coming," I tell him. "On the way." I act like I'm driving holding a steering wheel but I just look fucking stupid.

Kuzma starts back inside the infirmary. "Negan?"

"Yeah?"

"My Alice. She okay?"

"Thanks to you," I smile, but truthfully it chokes me up. I try to say thank you in his language but I know it's fucked. We both go our separate ways because I think it choked him up too. Glad to know I didn't call him an asshole or anything by mistake. Once I'm out in the courtyard, I notice Marshall limping a bit as he shuffles to the truck. "Get back inside."

"And do what? I'll hurt in there just the same as out here."

"Except out here your injury can kill one of us."

"I'm fine, mother. Besides, just stiff is all."

"What did you do to it?"

"I, uh." He looks over his shoulder and around some. "Fell off the stripper pole."

"You're fucking joking."

"No. I'm not. But it got me a threesome, so I'm not complaining."

"What? Who?"

"Rachel and Nicole."

"You really love my sloppy seconds."

"Yeah, so hurry up and get done with Alice." Marshall gets a nice decent sized black eye to go with that limp. As I start for Butcher's truck, something catches my eye. "The fuck is that?"

"A dog, duh," Kid replies.

"No shit. I mean, what is it doing here if Kuzma isn't."

"Papa said I could bring him, and Dog is a good tracker."

I guess we need all the help we can get.

"Hi," Kid smiles at Butcher.

"You riding with us, shorty?" Butcher opens the door for her.

"Th- thank you," she blushes.

Ugh, pathetic.

"Got room for one more, haus?"

I notice the arsenal on Dalton's back. "Is all that really necessary?"

"Ain't nobody gonna fuck with me."

I roll my eyes and take my place up front.

"You okay, Negan? You seem a little tense," Butcher asks.

"Why? You gonna fucking jerk me off? Shut up and drive."

"Asshole," Kid whispers.

Maybe I fucking am, but I'm hardly in the mood for-

Out of the speakers comes a noise that I can only describe as swine dying.

Butcher starts playing drums using the steering wheel.

"Make it stop," Kid begs, her fingers stuck in her ears.

"What in the holy name of fuck is this?"

"Cattle Decapitation," he shouts over it.

"Yeah, it sounds like a fucking slaughter. Turn this fucking shit off. **Now**."

"Alright, let's try something else." Butcher flips to the middle of his binder and slips out another CD. "Septicflesh."

Well, it's sure better than that swine metal but not by much.

"Lighten up," Butcher laughs, slapping me on the back. I reach for the knob to turn it off but this motherfucker actually pulls it off. "Trust me, it gets better."

I consider opening the door and jumping out. It'd be less painful than when all my organs combust from this noise. Though I guess the only person here to blame is me. I'm allowing this shit to continue. Maybe it's because I know that Butcher means well, and maybe it's also because I sorta didn't fucking mind this after a bit. It's a damn good way to get my aggression out. "What was that one before this? Septic Swine?"

"Cattle Decapitation."

"Put that shit back in."

"Why," Kid whines.

Dalton digs into his pocket and gives Kid a pair of foam ear plugs. "It's only gonna get worse, love."

I think that Kid might have reconsidered her feelings for Butcher that day.

...

It's like we're chasing our tails. Everything has been looted. On top of that, no one can use a goddamn map to save their lives.

"We sure could use your robot tour guide mute about now," Connor snickers.

"I want all those tool boxes, then load up all the newspaper in this factory. Don't bother with the rolls, they're too heavy." He thinks I'm joking, but I'm not.

"The fuck you want old newspapers for?"

"Furnace tinder, compost, insulation, wrapping fruit with it to keep it from rotting, to clean up your blood after I fuck you the fucking fuck up."

"Al-fucking-right, Jesus," he murmurs.

Finn gave me a list of supplies he needs for something he's building with Church and Cosworth. I task Dwight and a few of the others to get them before I go off on my own to look around. There's still newspapers sitting in the machines. I take one and roll it up, tucking it inside my jacket. Seems like something Alice might be interested in. Honestly, I don't care to know the exact date everything fell to fuck.

...

Where in the name of fuck are we? These warehouses go on forever. There's got to be something in one of these that will give validation to us coming out all this way. Like a fucking canned good manufacturer. This is small time shit. There's not even undead out here to take my aggression out on because they're smart enough to see what a waste of time this is. My men get excited when we find a sugar factory. A large area of the warehouse is untouched which is good because sugar lasts forever. And it will be something to barter with. We spend more time here than I like, but after the factory it was even more desolate. Sugar and fucking newspaper. That's it?! I grip Lucille tighter in frustration. I'm on a hair fucking trigger. "And what is that fucking noise?"

"It's coming from that deep freeze."

I move cautiously towards it, raising Lucille up some.

"Ahhhhh," Kid shouts, jumping out of it.

"Holy fuck," I scream.

"Your face," she laughs. "I got you so good." Kid gives Butcher a fist bump.

"Fucking hilarious," I gripe.

Butcher slings his arm around me and pulls me close to him. "Come on, gramps."

"Get the fuck off of me," I snap, shoving him.

"Wait a second," Marshall starts. "Do you know how many of these there are just sitting around?"

"What's your fucking point?"

"We take ten to fifteen back with us and drop them in the ground. We can store all kinds of things in it."

I cock my head some. Fuck, to have some type of refrigeration again would be incredible. "That's a damn good idea." It's about the only one all day. My men push into the night which is dangerous. We're tripping over each other, and it's just foolish at this point. "Load up. We're going home."

...

"Move," I tell Alice, walking past her and slamming the bathroom door.

She's not easily dismissed and comes after me. "What's troubling you?"

I pace back and forth. Frustrated. Defeated. It's not even what I mean to say, but I just vomit up the first of many things pissing me off. "Alice, if I die promise me you won't fuck Marshall."

"You're not going to die."

"And Marshall?"

"Negan."

Oh, that tone. I'm in trouble.

"Lucky for you I dislike facial hair."

"Well, he could easily fucking shave!"

"I have told you I am uninterested in him. Is this why I was disregarded when you arrived?"

I frown, lowering my face against her shoulder.

Alice runs her fingers through my hair. "Talk to me," she whispers, pressing her lips to my cheek.

I close my eyes and lock my arms around her. "I don't want this little pretend fuckery to come to an end."

"If you feel this strongly, I will agree to stay in these walls."

I have been waiting to hear this for as long as I can remember, yet it's of no comfort.

"I assumed your reaction would be a slew of profanity, followed by intercourse."

"Our inventory is fucked."

"I see. I'm still capable of making maps inside these walls for places to scavenge."

"It's not that easy. If we're out there and something happens to us like that time at the police station we're fucking dead. No one knows these places like you."

"I'm unsure of what to do."

"It's my fault. I've been too self-involved and haven't paid attention to inventory. Winter is almost here and we will die if we don't put food on those shelves."

"Let's just take a moment. A lot has happened these few months. You being in the coma. The attack with the Syndicate. Kuzma."

"Maybe I'm just not fit to lead."

"That's foolish to think."

"What am I doing wrong?"

"It's like I told you from the very beginning. You have the resources to improve the quality of living. The garden and greenhouse have always been poorly maintained. Grimm has the experience Molly lacks. Utilize her abilities. Biodiesel is too precious to give to other communities for items we are capable of obtaining ourselves. Barter chickens for it. Eggs will be an excellent source of food. Meal times should be better supervised. What was once well structured has become a free for all."

"Let me fuck that brain of yours."

"I am unamused."

"It's the most logical."

Alice gives me a brief laugh before it's followed by a genuine one. "Are you still troubled?"

I shrug followed by an unconvincing sigh. "I fucking failed them."

"Negan, you're a wonderful leader. I'm so lucky to be here with you by your side. If given the choice, there is no place I'd rather be."

It means so much to me that she is starting to drop her guard around me. That her words didn't have some hollow stoicism to them. What I guess I didn't realize is that as much as I love her being inside these walls, having her by my side was even more reassuring. "Okay, now I feel better," I smile. "Thanks, my little amiable fuck." Maybe I should have talked to Alice before I went on the run. I sure would have been in a better fucking mood that's for sure.

* * *

I gave all my men a shovel, a deep freeze, and I told them to dig their own hole for it. You see, it's fucking mind games. We're a bunch of testosterone driven big swinging dick motherfuckers so it turned into a race to see who could get done first.

Butcher stops to get some of the dirt and rocks from his boot. "What do you guys think you'd be doing right now if people hadn't started eating each other?"

"I don't really see much difference between the world now and the way it was then," Marshall speaks up first.

That was something him and I always agreed about.

"I'd be miserable. Trapped in a relationship that was always one sided," Dwight confesses. He looks over almost as if he's thanking me.

Maybe if Dwight didn't have Laura, shit would be a lot different but I do know this the first time I've seen him happy or that he hasn't looked at me with resentment.

"I was no one before the outbreak. I like things now. Clara is the most important thing in my life," Carson says.

"I'm with Carson, for once. Joanna is everything to me. She makes me want to be a better man. And those fucking titties, goddamn!" Connor thrusts his hips.

"If it wasn't for the outbreak, I wouldn't have spent the last few years with Charli and, even though that time is over, just knowing I was able to experience love like that is something I'm thankful for," Bryan smiles.

It's nice to hear stories like Bryan's because I know a lot of my men are scorned from what has happened to them.

Vasquez will never speak again.

Dalton and the brutal and horrific way he lost his family.

Hawkes losing his wife to those Syndicate fucks.

But the truth is, like Marshall said, things were just as horrific before the dead started eating the living.

Kuzma burying his daughter after his house burnt down.

Marshall's first wife taking off with his unborn child, and his second wife killed by a drunk driver.

My Lucille raped, then beaten to death. "I'd be dead." I don't mean to come across that way, it just does. It's the truth, but it isn't truth meant for my men. I still my shovel in the earth. "From fucking so much." It pacifies them all. "Oh, and by the way…" I throw my shovel down as they all look over to see I've finished first. "I'm still the biggest swinging king dick." I snicker as I head back up to the parlor. "I know me being bloody turns you on, but how about when I'm covered in-" My lips part as I stare at Alice.

She runs her finger down the felt of the pool table she's stretched across. "I'll go easy on you this time."

"Wha…? Where did you get this?!" I press my hand to one of the pockets in disbelief.

"I wanted it for your birthday present, but it just didn't work out that way. Though I don't think I'll get any opposition on my timing judging by your expression."

"I… I've always wanted my own pool table." A naked Alice on it is even better. "Thank you so much." This is incredible. I don't know how she pulled this off without me noticing, but it means a lot to me. Especially because it's been so long since I've even talked about pool with her. Like I'm important enough for her to remember little details like that. It's one of the few things about my past that's enjoyable.

"Do you want to play a game?"

I pull her to the edge of the table. "After I put my cue in your pocket."

"You wish you were as endowed as a cue."

"Fuck you," I snicker against her lips.

* * *

Finally. I've been waiting to see what's going on in Cosworth, Church, and Finn's brains now all week. Only… I scratch the side of my neck looking at this metal Venus fly trap they've constructed. "What is it?" I ask Church.

"It's a sun oven."

"We don't have any fucking food to put in an oven."

"Not yet, but, Finn and I built a small mill." Church shows me some of the flour they've made from the grain we bartered.

"With the sugar you scavenged, we can barter that for more grain until our crop comes in."

"What about yeast for the bread?"

"You can make yeast from potato water, flour, and sugar. I already have a few samples. If all goes well, we'll have bread tonight for supper."

Here I thought that sugar fuckery was a goddamn waste of time but not only is it going to benefit us, it's something we can barter with the other communities. In addition to our sun oven and small mill, Church has started construction on what might be one of the most brilliant things I have ever seen. One of the items they asked me to get was a giant 220 pound plastic pond liner they've dropped into the ground and filled with water. Above it is housing constructed for chickens.

"See, the chickens stay above the pond. We house them partially in metal chicken wire cages. You know… for when they have to do their business. Their waste falls through the wire and down into the pond to feed the algae and pond plants. We can also put a fish of our choice that feed on the plants and algae. Tilapia is probably the best fish because of how many eggs they produce. I think if it's successful, we should look into a larger area so we can multiply the number of fish."

"Church, this in incredible."

"Thanks."

"What did you do before the outbreak?"

"Pro gaming."

"What?"

"I played video games for money."

"So you lived in your mom's basement."

"No, I had a nice condo. Paid for in cash. The last tournament I did I brought home sixty-five thousand dollars."

"Get the fuck out of here."

He just looks at me like he's not sure if I'm joking or really wanting him to leave.

"You ever get any pussy from it though?" Judging by that blank stare... "Yeah, figured as much."

Another blank expression.

"You know what pussy is right?"

"I'd rather not-"

"You're a virgin?! Holy fuck. What are you, twenty-five?"

"Thirty-two. If it's all the same I'd really-"

"Shit, man. We'll fix that. Lots of these girls are DTF."

"I appreciate it, but-"

"You waiting for the right one," I scoff.

"Not exactly."

"If you're not into pussy, what are you... oh. Oh! Okay. I, uh. Yeah."

"Yeah," he laughs nervously.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not, but no one really knows about that part of me. Not King's group, not my friends, hell not even my parents knew. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm just a private person."

"Well, whatever you're into, you're a goddamn good asset."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Is this shit hard to maintain?"

"No, not really. Some of the children might enjoy it."

Some of the children? Jesus, I can barely wrap my mind around it and he thinks children can tend to it. "Why don't you show Amber and her son how to take care of all this shit? I need you focused on coming up with more ideas like this." If this works, all we'll need is one really good run to help us through winter.

* * *

I know Kuzma is ready to be back out there, but I still don't think it's a good idea. He's been laid up for so long, I worry if he's actually well or if he just is tired of sitting around.

Harlan disagrees with me. He said that Kuzma has made a complete recovery.

"Hey," Butcher greets, going over to King in the bed in the corner.

King is still nursing his rib. "Like that time in Norfolk," he laughs with Butcher.

"I fucking hated that job."

"Everyone in that port knew how you felt when you went out in a blaze of glory."

Butcher starts to respond, but looks over at me. "I know what we can do for supplies."

We're desperate and I welcome anything at this point.

"King and I worked in Norfolk at the port as Longshoremen. We loaded and unloaded all the cargo that came in."

"That's a lot of cargo to go through."

"If you don't know what you're looking for. They keep logs of that shit, and I know exactly where to find it. I don't really know how to drive a semi to get the container back here, but I'm sure I can figure it out."

"Dwight can. He drove them up to Prudhoe Bay."

"Getting to the actual port would be problematic but once we're there, I don't think there's going to be lots of undead."

"Leave the getting there part to Alice. Gather up everyone in the cafeteria, I'm going to make an announcement that we're leaving in the morning."

...

Alice has been tossing and turning for forty-five minutes.

I know it's not a nightmare because we're past that. Still, I'm becoming a little annoyed by the noise. "You okay?"

She shakes her head no.

"Well, what's wrong?"

"I feel..." She stops and searches for a word. "Lonely."

"You feel lonely?"

"I know it sounds strange, but I don't know how to properly convey emotion. Loneliness is the only word I can think of."

I let out a breathed laugh and set my inventory list to the side. "Come here." When she sits on my lap, I wrap my arms around her. Every now and then Alice gets a little clingy. It doesn't even last but twenty minutes. She usually falls asleep. Though, I don't really mind. I know she's safe. However, she's not looking to be held.

...

I lean my head back against the wall and catch my breath. "I think the word you were looking for was horny."

"No. Lonely."

"Alright, well, any time you're lonely, you let me know and I'll be happy to fix it." I watch her slide her panties up before she gets in my bed. This woman is so fucking perfect. In fact, I feel a little used. I like it. I kick my pants off and join her. "You got any fetishes, like Bryan the fireman or accents?"

"Manners."

"Fuck manners."

"My point exactly."

"So if I were to be all proper and shit, you'd cream your pants?"

"I wouldn't be as reluctant to keep them on."

"Goddamn, you're fucking sexy."

"Because I have manners."

I laugh so fucking hard it hurts. "You ever… love anyone before me?"

"No."

Only she would answer a question like that with a simple no. "Do you ever get jealous about Lucille?"

"As long as you're faithful to me, I don't care about women you've had intercourse with. However, sometimes I get jealous when women flirt with you, like Rachel."

"You fucking showed her."

"Does it bother you knowing the men outside the bar-"

"Don't fucking say it, Alice. I'm your first, not them. You are mine and you always will be mine."

"Always?"

"Always. I could never care for someone like I do you. You're going to cry now aren't you?"

She nods her head as tears spill down her cheeks. "I love you, too."

* * *

Alice gasps as she springs upward from her spot. Her wide eyes lock on mine. "Negan?" She brings her left hand closer to her face.

I give her a smirk and go back to my list. "Yes I'm certain before you start asking."

She taps the new piece of jewelry on her finger several times as if it isn't real. "Did you weld this ring?"

"I did." All the tiny gears on her ring have significance. I point to the one on the left. "From my mom's watch." Then I move to the largest one in the middle. "From my watch." Finally to the one on the right. "This one is…" I never thought this would choke me up but I find the lump in my throat a little hard to swallow right now. "This one is from Charli's pocket watch." I actually have to loosen her arms a bit around my throat so I'm not strangled. "Don't cry, Alice. Just know that I meant what I said last night." I guess a part of me wanted to cease any uncertainty between us and this is the only way I know how. It's the right way. Maybe I didn't get down on one knee and ask her, but that's just not our way of doing things. Alice and I have been through more shit than I think people are supposed to, yet we've always come out the other side stronger. I can't even count all the dumb-fuck things I've done to hurt this poor woman so it's time I right those wrongs by showing her just how much she means to me. A symbol that she will **always** belong to me. **Mine**.


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N Here's a bit of trivia. The last part of this chapter was the first thing I wrote on this story.** **There's flashback dialogue in this chapter that you'll recognize. It's important because I just might be working on a fic where Alice meets Negan before the outbreak based on that conversation. ::shifty eyes::**

* * *

Every one of my Saviors prepared for the trip to Norfolk, though I'm particular on who I want with us and decide to only take a select group. Alice makes the trip there effortless with her navigational skills. I see in her face just how much she needs something like this. Something that solidifies her being an important member of the group. I'm just happy she's by my side.

"Up ahead," Alice instructs Marshall.

"I got it from here, Alice," Butcher says. "Take Terminal Blvd as far as you can. It'll be on our right."

I don't know what I fucking expected. Not this. We could scavenge here every day for the next two years and not touch the same container twice. It's rows and miles of containers stacked at least three to four high, some even five. I really hope Butcher knows what he's doing.

"Sit tight. I'm going to go see what I can find out."

There's still a ship in the port with tons of cargo on that, too. I look over at Alice when I notice the scowl on her face. She's probably thinking the same thing we all are. How this is a waste of time. But if we manage to fill up even one container to bring back, it will be worth it.

"We'll cover the south side since we're already here. North tomorrow." Butcher gives us specific instructions on where to go, and what containers we need to be looking at.

"What in god's name are you doing?"

Connor's rubbing both hands in circular motions on the metal. "I have a good feeling."

"Really? Are you the container whisperer? Get the fuck away from the door." I snap a glare back to Butcher when we open the doors.

Butcher is looking over his lists. "Is it a Bentley?"

"Yeah. It is. A lot of fucking good a car does us!"

"That **is** good. Because I know that I'm right about these containers."

Motherfucker. "How about you point us in the direction of something useful?"

"This way."

"So much for your good feeling. Idiot." I smack Connor over the back of the head.

"Not that one," Butcher laughs, pressing his hand to the container before it's opened.

"Why not?"

"Because it's full of bananas. That's been sitting. For five years. Trust me, not that one. But that one..." He points a few rows down. "Open that one."

My eyes must be deceiving me when we open it up. "It's fucking dog food."

"Oh," Kid giggles. "Papa," she calls, pointing at the container.

"My patience is running thin, Butcher."

"The container belongs to Nestle which means cereal, candy, baby food, water, coffee, tea, and canned milk."

"Candy?" Joanna perks right up.

I tear off the side of one of the boxes as several cans scatter across the floor. "You're a goddamn genius." And this entire container is full. I know that some of this shit is expired, or of no use to us, but even if this is all we find, it's still going to mean the difference between us surviving or dying this winter. "Lock the container up and mark it. I want the entire thing. We'll go through it once we're back home." The fuck? I step out of the container and walk down one of the aisles to Cosworth. Shit! I swing Lucille across the undead because he's just standing there. "The fuck is wrong with you?"

He sighs and folds his arms. "I was trying to lure it into one of our trucks."

"I brought you because you're one of those smart motherfuckers. Don't make me rethink it."

"I want it because I think it would be beneficial to us to find a cure."

"Go take samples from our fence."

He's not backing down, and has even taken the liberty of bringing his own plyers.

"If you remove the mandible, they become docile," Alice says.

I stare back at her as if crazy shit like this doesn't come from her mouth all the time. "How the fuck and why the fuck do you know that?"

"When I was with Rick's group, one of the women spoke about that same practice. She also removed the arms as a precaution."

Jesus. Fuck. Fine. "Dalton," I call.

"Yeah, haus?"

"Have at it." With that arsenal, I'm sure he's got something for the job.

Dwight looks rather squeamish once the jaw is detached. "I'm going to keep looking around."

Connor follows behind him making gagging noises.

"Alright, enough. Everyone back to work. Split up and search your container."

Alice still has the same scowl as when we were pulling up.

I follow behind her to one of her containers still attached to a semi. "You seem even more annoyed than me today." I help her up in the container, then follow behind her.

"I'm just having to eat my words and I dislike being wrong."

"I know. I'm the same way."

"It seemed foolish to come out this way to search containers."

"May I come in your container?"

"You may."

So much for her shit mood. "You just needed some Savior leader dick, huh?"

Her response? She pulls me from my zipper hole then pushes her pants down just enough before she steps up on a box and bends over another one.

"It makes me so hard when you just go with the filthy fuckery that flies from my mouth."

"We shouldn't waste it."

I laugh because she's so goddamn impassive yet I watch her animate for these few minutes. "Look back at me over your shoulder." Yeah, there it is. A wide open mouth, eyebrows arched upward. My moan echoes through the container when she starts pushing back against me. Fuck. I give her a sharp smack to her ass in hopes that she'll settle the fuck down because I'm not going to last like this. This position feels fucking phenomenal, not to mention the view as her ass bounces against me. I wonder what she'd do if I just slipped a finger right in her tight little- "Fuck," I moan when my thoughts send me over the edge. "Sorry, I was really really fucking turned on," I flush embarrassed, zipping up my pants. "I could always thumb it in."

"No, your hands are unclean. You may make it up to me at another time."

Goddamn right I will, and it's a good thing now I didn't stick my finger in her because she probably would have slapped the holy fuck outta me. "Would you ever be willing to, uh, well, uh try anal?"

"Yes."

I narrow my eyes. "Wait, you know what that is, right? That's not like one of those words that have another meaning?"

"Intercourse of the-"

"Stop saying that fucking word."

"Copulation?"

"That's even worse! Shit, I'm not even excited anymore."

"This is coming from the man who believes emptying in my container is a pick up line."

"Oh my fucking god," I laugh. "Yeah, but you were fucking wet. You just couldn't wait to get your pants around your ankles."

"It turns me on to watch you order the others around, yet know how submissive you are to me."

"What can I say? I'm a pussy for pussy."

"Disgusting. You know I dislike that word."

"How about you let me get between those legs and clean you up? I'll be real thorough." I lick my lips.

"I do not require your assistance."

"Just so you know, not every man would be willing to do that. I mean, I'm being a real fucking gentleman here and trying to clean my plate. Manners and shit."

She stretches out her arm and tries to give me one of her wipes.

I fold mine, shaking my head no. "That's… not really what I had in mind."

"It's too intimate for me."

It makes me think about how I won't fuck her in the bed because of the flashbacks that come with it, so I wonder what was done to her for it to be such an issue. Fuck, I don't want to think like that. Maybe it's just because of her excessive need to be clean. Her reasoning would be because the human mouth is filthy or some shit like that.

One of the undead snarl, reaching its hands in the container.

"This almost became a threesome."

Alice shakes her head while retrieving a knife.

What we thought was just one, ends up being several. "We're fine," I smirk, teasing the undead by walking over so I'm just out of reach.

"Please stop that."

"Lighten up. They can't get to us."

"Kill them already."

"I'm just having a little fun."

Alice sighs and grips her knife tight as she starts driving them into their skulls.

"Oh, come on, Ali-"

She screams when they grab her by the leg and pull her out of the container.

"Alice!"

"Negan!"

Several of Butcher's knives are launched at the dead before his foot comes down hard on the last one trying to bite Alice.

Fuck. Fuck, thank fucking Christ. If it hadn't have been for him things would be very different right now.

Butcher helps her out from under the dead.

"Thank you," Alice replies shaken up.

He gives her a wink. "It's what we do for each other. Saviors. Right?" He looks over at me as I give him a nod.

I rarely see Alice smile, but it always makes me a bit immobile. "I'm sorry, that was fucking stupid and it almost cost you your life."

"I am alive, so why dwell on what could have been?"

Is she mad at me? Hell, I'd be. I didn't protect her. "Yeah. You're right. It's getting late. Let's settle in for the night."

"Very well. I'll inform the others."

This woman is everything to me. I never thought that I would care for someone like I do her. It was my job to protect her and I got overconfident. There is no way I could forgive myself if something happened to her. I use my sleeve to rid some of my tears. What a pussy.

...

I'm trying to look over this fucking map of this shipyard with this tiny ass candle to decide who is going to get what container, but I've got Alice asleep against my side, Dog curled up at my feet, and Connor keeps rolling over into me. "Get a-fucking-hold of yourself. You're a grown ass man," I gripe at him.

He groans, facing the other way.

This shipyard is practically the size of its own city, yet we choose the smallest office room to pile twenty people and one dog into.

"I had a nightmare," Kid frowns.

"Uh." I point to Kuzma.

"I want you." She plops down into my lap, tucking herself away against my chest.

"Look, I know you're scared, but I'm not really the person to, uh. Well, you know. I don't like people touching me."

"Why?"

"It… hurts."

"Like how?"

"It feels like a burn."

"What about when Alice touches you?"

"It hurts less, I guess. I don't know. It's hard to explain."

"Why does it burn?"

I rub my brow in annoyance. You're already in this deep. Might as well just be an open book at this point. "When I was your age, I knew if someone touched me it was going to hurt."

"Who hurt you?"

"My father."

"Papa never hurts me."

"He's not supposed to. No man should ever put his hands on you, and if they do, you come find me. I'll handle it."

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I don't sleep with other people in the room."

"You have a lot of rules."

"Yeah. I guess I do."

"Alice has a lot of rules, too. Did her papa hurt her?"

I run my hand in Alice's hair. "No. Alice has been through a lot of trauma. Sometimes your body copes with that by finding other ways to release the stress."

"Did you ask Alice to marry you?"

"Yes."

"Does that mean you love her now?"

"No."

"I wanted Alice to be with papa, so I could have a family again, but she said that she loves Kuzma in a different way. Like her papa. I hated you for a long time because sometimes you make Alice cry but I understand now. I saw Butcher kissing Cindy and Molly at the same time the other day and it made me cry, but it's not his fault he doesn't love me. Just like it's not your fault you don't love Alice. Butcher is still good to me, and you're still good to Alice. Maybe one day Butcher will love me, and maybe one day you can love Alice."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're really fucking smart?"

"No."

"You are. I can see the future of the Saviors being led by you."

"I can lead?"

"Yeah. But let's give it a few years before you push me out of a job. You know, wait until you can at least reach the door handle on the truck," I smirk.

"Am I hurting you on your lap?"

"No."

"Liar." She kisses me on the cheek before going back to lay with Kuzma.

I can't help but feel this uneasy feeling and I don't know what it means. Fuck, I'm just exhausted and I'm not thinking clearly. "Elbow," I snap.

"You take up too much space," Connor grumbles.

Jesus the sunrise can't come fast enough.

* * *

We brought more biodiesel than I cared to, but these machines are vital to moving around the cargo. There's a container on one of the ships that I want, and if all goes well we should be set on supplies for winter. This place is a fucking gold mine. I've never seen Marshall happier than when we busted open that trailer of tobacco.

"Wanna come with me and I'll show you how to operate the container crane," Butcher asks me.

"Is that even a question? Goddamn, that thing is like having a hundred and forty foot dick."

"Wait until you're up there."

Surprisingly, I'm the only one beside Butcher and King that want any part of it. "After you," I tell Marshall.

"No. No horses, no heights. I like my feet on the ground."

Maybe because I'm almost seven goddamn feet tall, heights have never bothered me. The box you sit in to operate the crane actually has a glass floor. "That glass ain't gonna crack, is it?"

"Nah."

I thought I was going to watch, but Butcher wants me to do it. Yeah, I don't know about this fuckery. Luckily, he's not a bad teacher.

"Keep going," Butcher instructs. "Until you see water."

This is the most insane thing I have ever fucking done in my life, but goddamn it's fun.

"There's lights on it that tell you when you've captured the container."

The crane locks onto the container and the hardest part is over. Or so I thought.

"Bring it back. Center it over."

"Like this?"

"Pull back a bit. There's these holes in each corner. You have to make sure they hit those pins on the trailer bed. Once you get it on there, King will take it from there."

"No pressure, right?" Fuck.

"That's it."

Well, that was… stressful. "It only took half an hour."

"And you're only fifteen containers behind where you should be."

"Yeah, I'd like to see you rebuild a bike, you fuck," I laugh as we leave the control box and start down the steps.

"Watch your step on the way down. Some of the bolts-"

Butcher and I both lose our footing when the entire stairwell shifts, sending us over the edge of the railing. I manage to grab him by the arm, but his weight swings us both hard to the left and my grip slackens.

"Fuck! Fuck," he panics. "I'm going to die with piss pants."

"We ain't dying. I'm going to swing you over to that railing."

"Okay. Okay. On three."

"Fuck three." I swing him over.

He stretches out his arm as his fingers just barely miss the railing.

"No," I yell.

His legs hit the next railing as it flips him around and his ankle gets caught.

The steel bends I'm holding onto and I slip.

Butcher catches me by the back of my jacket. "Give me your hand."

A lot of things went through my mind, but the one thing I kept thinking about was if I would have left Alice back at Sanctuary she wouldn't have to watch me fall to my death.

"Negan, you're too fucking heavy," he exhales.

I can see the defeat on his face. "Just let go of me. Save your energy to pull yourself up."

"Butcher," Kid shrills.

"No, I'm not letting go, but you've gotta pull yourself up!"

There is no way the both of us are making it out of this, so that means only one thing. I open my hand so I'm no longer holding onto him. "Let go."

"No! Don't do this!"

This is one of those things they don't tell you when you so arrogantly become a leader. If shit goes down, you're going down with it because it's the right thing to do. "It's okay... take..." My eyes flood. "Take care of my Alice."

"That's not how this- fuck!" The railing bends along with the entire stairwell until it shifts violently and we're flung outward before falling down fifty feet.

I close my eyes so I don't have to see the faces below the closer we get to the ground.

"Negan," Alice screams.

* * *

_Fine. I did have an attraction to an older man once._

_One of your teachers?_

_No, he was a mechanic._

_Now I see why you get all horned up when I fix my bike._

_Stop. I never even saw his face._

_How the fuck did he turn you on then?_

_He wore navy coveralls, but kept the top portion tied around his waist so his deltoids were prominent._

_Should have come to my shop. I was too claustrophobic for those fucking coveralls. I tied that shit off, too._

_Do you still have them?_

_Do I still have my dirty fucking uniform from a job over five years ago? I'm going to say, no._

_Unfortunate._

_You wanna fucking role play? The shop ain't too far from here._

_That would be agreeable._

_Alright, so, your panties are soaked watching this guy, what else?_

_They weren't soaked._

_Okay, so they were damp. Keep going._

_This isn't upsetting you?_

_Of_ _**course** _ _I'm fucking jealous, but I wanna hear about my little prude Alice, fogging up the windows watching this fucking grease monkey._

_Unfortunately, my run-ins with him were brief. I did purposely deflate my tire in hopes he would be the one to assist me. When that didn't work, I disconnected my battery as a final attempt to seem in distress._

_What else about him? Tattoos? Beard?_

_Not that I observed. He wore his hair like yours. Drove a motorcycle. The rear license plate was crooked. M55D690 was the sequence of numbers and letters._

_That shop called Tony's?_

_Yes. How do you know the name of the establishment?_

_Because, that was me! You fucking stalker! Are you fucking with me? You see that plate in here before?_

_No._

_Oh my god. This whole fucking time I'm thinking, there is no way a woman like you would ever take a second look at me in the real world, and you're disconnecting batteries and shit trying to fuck me. So, I live up to your ridiculous standards?_

_Yes._

_Your father was a fucking dick. I never personally talked to him, but Tony and Tim hated him._

_He said you all were incompetent._

_So, unless you stalked me any other times… that would be four times you came to the shop._

_There was another time, but you had the day off._

* * *

I gasp, snapping my eyes open. They close right back when pain shoots through my body. My fucking hip and leg are numb.

"You're alive," Alice sobs, latching onto my hand.

I'm so fucking disoriented right now, I have no idea what's going on.

"Negan?" Harlan shines a bright light in my eye.

I groan, turning my head from him. This is the most excruciating pain I have ever been in in my life.

"Negan, do you know where you are?"

My eyes slowly shift side to side. It's the only thing that doesn't hurt to move. "Sanc…" I clench my teeth, letting out a painful grunt. "Sanctuary. Where's Butcher?"

"He's beside you," Alice tells me. "Though, we're unsure if he's going to pull through. He sustained more of the injuries between the two of you."

I don't even want to know what is all fucking wrong with him if I feel this terrible. However, what I don't expect is to see Vasquez across from me. "Why's Vasquez unconscious?"

"He… broke both of your falls. Butcher landed on him, and you landed on Butcher."

It doesn't make me feel any fucking relief to know that I'm alive while my men fight for theirs. Fucking foolish horseplay and for what? One more trailer wasn't worth this. We should have gone home, but I got greedy. **Again**. I'm so goddamn disgusted with myself right now, I just want to be alone. "I told him to let go of me. If he would have just listened to me… if he…"

"Enough."

My guilt becomes overwhelming when Hawkes and Banks come in to see Vasquez, or when I watch Kid sob into Butcher's hand. I don't have the right to sit here and act this way. To be so ungrateful for the second chance I've been given. I'm angry at so many decisions right now that led us to this point. Like if we would have paid more attention to that fucking greenhouse and garden, supplies wouldn't be such an issue and we wouldn't have been at the port to begin with. Alice tries her best to pacify my doubts, but I don't want to hear it. "What can I do for them?"

"Nothing I'm afraid," Harlan sighs. "It's just waiting to see if they come out of the coma."

Over the next few days, I don't even try and help myself. I just lay here feeling sorry for myself. Watch people come in and out to visit. It always ends the same. Someone crying as they leave.

"You just going to lay there?"

"Yes," I respond to Banks.

"That's about the dumbest shit I've ever heard. If someone put Vasquez and Butcher here, you'd be out there every day until you found the ones that did this. Am I right?"

I not to his question.

"This ain't no different. Vasquez didn't casually stroll under the both of you by mistake. He knew what he was doing, and he was happy to do it. Although, if he knew you was laying in this bed feeling sorry for yourself, he might have rethought his actions. Get up out of this bed and fight. Prepare us against the Syndicate because if something does happen to Vasquez that's how you're going to repay him." Banks takes off his glasses and puts them on Vasquez. "Too much of his face is showing," he snickers, leaving the infirmary.

"While I agree with Banks, from a medical stand point, you really do need to rest to avoid further injury to your spine. However, you're okay to leave. You know… take a shower for starters," Harlan chuckles.

Guess I hurt Alice's feelings because I know there's no way she would let me go this long smelling this way. Oddly enough, all it took was an apology and I let her help me in the tub even though it was pretty emasculating. Her grin is practically ear to ear. "Shut up," I laugh.

* * *

I actually sleep through the night in my bed. Maybe it's partially due to the pills. "Inventory, Sir. We did really well." Carson hands me several sheets.

I'd say. "Have Kid lead as many people as she can to hunt. We need to fill up those freezers."

"Yes, Sir."

At least we have something to show for falling from that fucking railing. How the fuck do we even have room for all this shit? There are pages and pages of-

There's a knock on the door.

"What now?" I thought it was Carson again, but it ends up being Cosworth.

"Sir?"

"God, please make it quick. I'm in too much pain to be sitting up."

"That man in the basement," he starts. "Is there any particular reason you're keeping him down there?"

"Yes. I want him to suffer for what his men did to Alice."

"I was thinking about how the Syndicate use live people to test on when trying to find a cure. I'd like for you to consider the option of using him."

"If your cure doesn't work, he dies. He can't suffer if he's dead."

"I need a living subject to test it when I get to that point. It won't be any time soon, but we're going to need someone and I don't exactly see anyone volunteering for that."

I know I'm letting my anger cloud my judgement because he has a good point. We will need someone. "I don't know. I'll think about it."

"Thank you, Sir."

I want Eight to suffer. Suffer like she did. If I did allow him as some test subject, would I really be any different from the Syndicate? I mean, where does it stop after that? And what if actually finding a cure becomes more dangerous than the dead? I know what people would do to get it. To have that certainty. The things I watched people do to survive when everything fell to fuck would be nothing compared to what they'd do for some magic serum. I guess I don't really have to make that decision right now, but when the time comes I know it won't be an easy one.

* * *

My back feels a little better this morning, but I'm still confined to this fucking room for another few days. I look Alice and that stupid uniform up and down. "Why are you getting dressed?"

"Marshall is leading a run."

"I thought maybe you'd stay with me. Give me a pity fuck."

"You dislike intercourse in bed."

Goddammit. My own rules working against me. "Well," I pout. "May I have like a blow job or something before you go if I hobble to the couch?"

"You may."

"See? And you thought I didn't have manners," I snicker.

* * *

I pace back and forth in front of my fireplace, my stomach in knots. Marshall's group didn't come home last night. This happens every time I don't go with her. Back pain or not, I can't take this shit anymore and start down the steps. Sanctuary is practically a ghost town. I check on Butcher and Vasquez to try and keep my mind occupied. It's not any relief because the two are still unconscious. Butcher seems to be showing the most progress, though he looks about the same to me. Harlan says that he's unsure about Vasquez's condition, and that he believes the trauma might have been too much to his brain. Yes, the helmet saved his life but he'll more than likely end up a vegetable. Losing Vasquez means he won't get his revenge on the Syndicate. I know what that's like because I think about those men that hurt Alice. Or how I should have drug out Vic's death longer. How I'll never get revenge for Lucille for what Leon did to her. I guess I could at least pay a visit to Eight for a bit. Take my aggression out that way. As I start down to the basement, the front doors open and in comes Marshall's group. "Thank fuck," I sigh relieved, ready to run right over people to her.

"Negan," Alice calls, hurrying to me.

"You're never going on a run without me agai-"

She yanks me down some by the shirt, giving me a firm kiss.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows how I feel about Alice, but I don't think anyone really knows that we're together aside from a select few. I just worry that it could put her in danger.

She lays her head against my chest, moving in close to me.

Marshall gives me a smirk.

I mouth the word thank you.

My shirt is still twisted between her small fingers. "I know we're not open about our relationship. I apologize for being so forward."

"I'll fuck you right here in front of all of them if you'll let me."

"No you won't."

She's right, I'm way too fucking jealous.

"I missed you."

"I think everyone knows that."

She laughs, letting me go.

I pull her back, holding her tight. I'm not ready to let go. Every time I do, I almost fucking lose her.

"Sir, I hate to interrupt, but we brought others with us," Marshall informs me.

"Stay here," I tell Alice, walking with Marshall through the cafeteria. "How many?"

"Three. Two women, one child."

"Joanna," I call.

"Yes?"

"Take them to the supply room and explain the rules. They look uneasy. Might be better if a woman went over things with them." I hand over my keys to her.

"Alice can come with me."

"Uh, she's not really the most welcoming person to children if you catch my drift."

We all look back at Alice as she's cleaning the blood from her knives.

Joanna laughs. "True. I'll go by myself then."

...

"Think we should just go in? It's been an hour," Connor says. He seems worried.

"I don't want to-"

"I have a bad feeling. You didn't fucking see those two broads. I did."

"Alright, but go in…"

Connor barges in the door and starts shouting.

"…slowly." My eyes widen when I see just what he's shouting at.

One of the women have Joanna on her knees, and a knife to her throat. The small boy is also pointing a gun at Joanna. The other woman turns her gun towards me.

Joanna is already bleeding pretty heavily from the knife against her skin.

I restrain Connor as he starts to lunge towards the group.

"If you don't fucking let her go, I will cut that fucking runt in half," Connor threatens.

"Go ahead," their leader responds. "I will slit her throat before you raise your blade."

"Just hold on. Everyone hold the fuck on. What is this?"

"We want the truck with the supplies on it. The girl comes with us as reassurance we get to where we are going. If we are not pursued, we will release the girl unharmed.

"You're out of your fucking mind if you think I'm going to let you walk out of here with her," I yell.

"I know I will because you value her life."

"Take me instead," I tell her.

"The leader? No deal. Step aside, or I will end her life."

"She doesn't have anything to do with this," I shout.

"It's not her rank within your army. It's how valuable she is to your officer. Considering he's willing to take the life of a child to protect her, and you're willing to give up yours, it is non-negotiable."

"Let me take her place," Alice offers, stepping forward.

No!

"That girl belongs to him," the boy whispers to the woman holding Joanna while pointing at me.

"Yes. This is the only deal. Remove your vest."

And there it motherfucking was. One moment of weakness for a brief embrace shared with Alice put her life in danger. I fucking knew people knowing the two of us are together would cost her her life. Everyone thinks I'm so goddamn paranoid, but I watch it unfold right in front of me.

Alice unzips her vest slowly, holding it outward.

The woman waves her gun at the child.

He runs over to Alice and retrieves the vest.

"On the ground," the woman orders us.

Joanna is shoved off to the side and the knife that was to her throat is put against Alice's.

"Alice," I whine.

She looks over her shoulder at me and gives me a smile before she's shoved from the room.

The door swing shut and it's locked.

I push myself up and run full force at the door. "No," I scream, starting to kick it.

Marshall comes up behind me and wedges his machete in the door.

All I can think about is for every second we spend trying to get this door open, it's one more moment farther I'm from her. I pull Marshall's gun from his side holster and move him back before I fire a few shots at the lock. It's fucking on now, and these cunts have no idea the hell that I will bring on them. I'm the first one out the front doors, but the truck with Alice has already broken the gates and is almost out of sight.

"Negan," Marshall yells, climbing up in one of the other trucks. He's not the only one to join us as Hawkes, Banks, Connor, and Dwight climb in the back.

Part of me is worried about following too closely behind the truck once we catch up, though it's not but a few moments before Marshall slams on the breaks as the truck in front of us cuts hard to the left then starts to roll over when it hits an abandoned semi. We also swerve and roll on our side to avoid a head on collision. "Fuck," I cough. "Is everyone alright?" After I hear painful groans from all my men, I pull myself from the truck. "Alice!"

Alice was thrown from the truck but is pinned under some of it. "I didn't have the proper safety restraint."

"No shit, you fucking nerd," I whine choked up, kissing her bloody forehead. One of her pupils is the size of her iris so I know she's got a concussion. "I will not fucking lose you again. Let's get you the fuck out of here. Dwight, Connor, Marshall," I scream, trying to lift the truck on my own. We lift the truck and she pulls her mangled hand from under it. By mangled, I mean Alice will never have use of that hand again. Even worse, it's the hand she uses to throw her knives. All of her knuckles have the bone showing and I'm not sure her pinky finger is even there. I pull my bandana out and tie it around her hand.

She cries out in pain, cradling her hand.

I pull her to me as she sobs against my chest. "I know it fucking hurts, but you gotta keep your voice down, Alice. There are undead everywhere." I find her vest hanging from the truck that the child took, and slip it back on her. 

"Thank you for saving Joanna, Alice," Connor tells her choked up, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

I am so fucking proud to call this woman mine. "I'll protect you."

"I know," she smiles.

"Hawkes puts a bullet in the woman driving, followed by the small child that has already turned, then the other woman."

"Let's get home," I tell the others. "Stay here while we clear, Alice."

The others are already trying to clear the undead but there are so fucking many of them.

I know the longer we stay here, the more we'll become trapped because the sound from the crash is bringing them out of the woods. "Here come more! Push forward, stick togeth-"

Alice lets out a deafening scream.

I almost drop Lucille as I twist around. It feels like someone is stealing the breath from me as my gut wrenches. "No! **No, fuck**!"

_I don't need your love returned. It's not why I said it. It's just foolish to think there will always be another day to._

The harder I run to her, the slower things become. Like a bad dream. I can't get to her fast enough! I push undead out of my way as my hands actually go through them from the force. Lucille slips from my fingers as I grab the undead from Alice and slam its head into the side of the truck repeatedly.

Alice clings to her neck as her hands stain red.

"Alice, no, goddammit, no, don't fucking do this to me," I beg, my shaky hands holding her cheeks.

She tries to slow her breathing and get that blank stare of hers to focus on putting pressure against her neck but she can't. Her legs fidget as she gasps for air.

The pain on her face rips my heart in half.

Dwight pulls off his vest, pressing it to her neck. "Christ, no, Alice," he sobs.

"Negan, it doesn't make any sense. I cleared this area. She was alone, like it snuck up on her. I'm sorry, Alice," Hawkes cries.

"It's not your fault," I tell him choked up. I'm the one that didn't save her. Didn't protect her. This is on me. I scoop her up in my arms and take off in the direction of Sanctuary. My legs are on fucking fire. Blood stains my entire lower right arm from what's dripping from her neck. "Just breathe," I beg, hoisting her back up more.

"Neg-"

"Don't talk. Just fucking breathe. Fucking breathe." I can't look down at this woman. The choking gasps are hard enough to listen to because I know that any one will be her last. "Harlan," I scream as soon as I barrel in the front doors.

He stands up from his chair.

"Oh my god, is she okay," Joanna asks, touching her head.

"She's bit, she's fucking bit. It's all my fucking fault. Please, save her!"

They all stare back at me wide eyed and silent.

"Help me, goddammit," I yell.

Harlan points a trembling finger at the table.

"What can I do," I yell at Harlan, setting her on the table.

"Keep as much pressure on it as you can." Harlan feels on the other side of her neck for a pulse.

"Do something!"

"Negan, you know there's-"

"Stop talking and save her, that's a fucking order!" I'm certain that I've died from that fall now because I'm in hell. There is nothing Harlan can do for her. Now it's only a matter of how long until the virus takes her. "What about a blood transfusion?! Give her all my blood, just fucking save her!"

"All we'd be doing is prolonging her suffering. Any moment will be her-"

"Don't you fucking say it! Don't you fucking, don't fucking-" I lower my face against her vest and sob like a fucking child. I haven't cried since my mom died and it all fucking comes out. "Alice, no," I cry, shaking my head back and forth. "Open your eyes, please!"

Harlan manages to stop the bleeding but she's losing the strength to fight. Her coloring is draining from her cheeks and lips.

"Alice, can you hear me?"

She opens her heavy eyes just enough.

"Can you hold on a little longer?" My stomach turns at the thought that any moment could be it. I want to make it worth it but I'm so fucking angry. It should have fucking been me, but staying alive is my punishment for all the people I've hurt. "Are you in pain?"

"I don't… feel much."

I lean over and kiss her cheek, lowering my face against her vest. "Just keep breathing," I beg her.

She doesn't respond.

"No, wake up! Alice, please, I'm not fucking ready!"

"Alice," Harlan calls, checking her pulse. His eyes slowly shift to mine.

"No!" I reach back and punch the wall several times. Cool fingers wrap around my other wrist. My scowl leaves instantly. Is she one of them?

"Negan," she murmurs.

I've always liked the sound of my name leaving her mouth but now more than ever. "I'm here." I trace a bloody heart on her forearm.

She looks at it, then jolts her eyes to me as she starts to smile. Tears overflow from her eyes. "You do," she mouths.

I nod as my eyes start to well up again. Goddammit.

Harlan takes her vitals, then looks up at me, shaking his head.

I'm not going to let her die in the same spot her sister did.

"Whoa, where are you taking her?"

"I want to be alone with her." The crowd moves away from the door to give me some space. I don't know what to say to them but what can I?

Joanna covers her mouth, gripping Connor's arm. "It should have been me," she cries.

I sink my teeth into my bottom lip to keep it from trembling, and hold Alice while they say their goodbyes. What about all the people who can't? How do I even fucking explain to Kuzma what happened? What's going to go through his mind when he loses another child? I also think about how Carl doesn't even know, and how when Kid finds out just how much it will devastate her. Marshall is by far the hardest to watch because he's the last to tell Alice goodbye and it means I'm just that much closer to losing her. I've never heard Sanctuary this quiet before, other than the cries from the others and the occasional metal creaking as I start up the steps. Am I selfish for wanting to be alone with her? Do I care even if I am? I'm more selfish for thinking how the fuck am I supposed to go on after this. I gently lay her down in the bed, thankful my sheets are black so I don't have to see the blood seep into the fibers.

"My chest hurts."

"Just lay still, okay?" I pull my blanket up before moving beside her.

"Will you bury me next to Charli?"

I can't even speak. Instead, I lower my head against hers and cry. I nod at her request.

"Not in these clothes, they're filthy."

"Okay," I sob.

"No, no. Do not cry."

"Okay," I choke, sobbing against her anyway. "Just try and stay awake a little longer, Alice, please," I beg her.

Her eyes are so heavy.

"Please."

"Okay," she whispers, gripping my hand.

I have to keep her talking. Anything to buy more time. "Alice? Alice?" I grab her cheeks, tilting her head some. "No, just five more minutes. Alice, please don't go. Can I do anything for you?"

"I'm cold."

I press the back of my hand to her cheek to see if it's the fever and she's getting warmer. "Alice, I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't protect you."

"It came out of nowhere like Hawkes said. It's not your fault."

I give her a kiss on the cheek. "What do I do without you?"

"Survive. Lead."

"I don't want to." It's the truth, and it's a fucking selfish thing to say but Goddammit. "This isn't how it's supposed to be, Alice!" There is no outlet for my anger. I'm bitter that she is being taken from me. What was the fucking point of all this?

"I know it isn't."

"No!" I shake her when her eyes close.

"I'm so tired." Her fingers stretch over to a large pocket on her vest. She's too weak to pull the velcro apart so I retrieve the small box from it.

Inside it is a ring.

"I had Carl… forge it…" She fidgets for a moment, then takes a labored breath. "It's from old wire of Lucille's that…" Her eyes fixate in place.

"Alice!?" I brace her by the cheeks. "Alice," I cry, shaking her. "Oh, fuck, Numbers, please don't fucking go. Can you hear my voice? Don't leave me alone in all this," I whimper. "Please come back. You can say intercourse all you want." I can't even fucking tell this woman thank you for my ring. Thank you for something so meaningful. She'll never even get to see it on my finger. "Alice, no," I sob. I pry open her closed eyes to see if I can get a reaction from her.

**Nothing.**

"Alice?" I cry against her bloody vest until my voice is hoarse, and it's just sniveling. It's selfish of me not to put my knife into the back of her head, but I just can't put her down like she's some fucking animal and I refused to bury her. That means one thing. I grab my knife from its holster and set it on the night stand, then pull my cigarette box from my end table and pocket the picture of my mother and me. When Alice goes, I want to go with her. I look down at the blood stained heart on her arm. It's cracked and faintly visible like a metaphor for our time left. I know she tried to be brave and not tell me all the actual things going through her mind. That she was scared, or that she was sorry she couldn't have been stronger. I've spent all this fucking time not telling her that I love her, thinking it would keep her safe, but it's all been in vain. I realize that Alice is the only person I've ever loved because what I feel for her is singular to her. The word defines my feelings for her. I hold her limp body closer. The worst thing about her death is that she'll never know. That chance has been taken from me. Just like she has.


	32. Chapter 32

_**Is this The End?** _

_It's not, promise. Just a temporary error. We'll make it through this together._

* * *

I'm exhausted knowing I don't have anything left to give, but I need to scrape up the willpower to move from this bed and dig her grave next to Charli's. It's a promise I made to her and I can at least do that before I return to await my fate like a coward. I should probably dig mine while I'm at it, too. At least in death we'll be together. Is it stupid to think maybe I'll find her in another life since I've failed her in this one? Fuck, I'm groggy. The last thing I recall was sobbing myself to sleep. Pathetic, yet I feel no shame from it because I've lost my… wife. She's still in my arms. I'm losing it because I can hear painful wheezing. I force open my eyes to sunlight filling the room. It's so unseasonably hot, my shirt is soaking wet from sweat. Then I realize, it has to be her fever which means I don't have much time. As I start to move, her fingers curl slightly against mine. Like I haven't goddamn fucking suffered enough and now my mind is playing tricks on me? Only… her skin… it's cool! I know it's been close to twelve hours since she was bit. People don't make it past but a few agonizing hours so I don't understand. Hope is dangerous at this point. Don't do this to yourself, because when you call her name and she responds with a snarl it's going to take the only sliver of sanity you have left. I flatten my hand against her vest as I watch it move up and down with her. "Numbers?" When I lock eyes with her, I start to sob. They have never been that blue before. Not that fucking dismal gray like I was certain would be staring back at me. Am I dreaming or am I dead, too? Dead from the coma the Syndicate caused several months ago? Dead from the fall at the shipping yard? Dead from her turning and attacking me in my sleep?

She touches my cheek to see if this is real, and I find myself doing the same to her. "Lout?"

"Yeah." I sniff up my nose. "It's me."

"I don't understand."

"I don't either, and you still look like you're in so much pain."

"My chest is tight, and my arm is numb."

The black sheets are a bad idea after all because I'm not sure how much blood she's lost. I tug them over some to find the mattress sopping wet under her. The bite on her neck is still bleeding profusely. She's sweating, but it's a cold sweat. Something isn't adding up. "I'll be right back." I open up the bedroom door to find Harlan but, to my surprise, everyone is just waiting in the parlor ready to give me their condolences.

"We're so sorry, Negan," Sherry cries.

Nicole rubs my arm. "What can we do for you, baby?"

If I tell my men Alice is still alive, they will demand her blood. No matter how much she is loved, they will rip her apart. I put her life in the hands of my most trusted advisors. The ones who have never betrayed me. Who have always stood by my side. "Marshall, Hawkes, Bryan, Cosworth."

The men step forward, confused.

"Harlan, I need you as well. Everyone else, go about your business." Please let this be the right decision.

Hawkes' just stands there, staring at Alice once inside my room. "It's been over twelve hours."

Bryan is bent over, with his hands to his knees as he tries to gather himself.

"Alice," Cosworth chokes.

Harlan shakes his head in disbelief. "She's immune to their bite."

Immunity? I don't buy it. What an avalanche of bullshit. Sure, there was a part of me deep down that hoped, prayed she'd be that rare exception, but she's not. But, at the same time, I don't have an explanation for her to be sitting up in this bed. There's nothing good that would come from being immune, and as much as I want this second chance with her, I'd rather her dead than to be some hope for humanity. Some fucking guinea swine test subject as they harvest blood and all sorts of other inhumane things they'd do to insure the survival of mankind. It's sickening, and I won't allow it. Even if that means taking her life so she doesn't have to endure something like that.

"Negan, Alice could save humanity," Harlan points out.

"No. I won't allow it." My hand settles on my hip where I usually keep my knife. "You can't ask that of her, and this is never to leave this room. I trust that you all will not say anything, and if you do, you will pay for it with your life."

"Save humanity? But at what cost?" Marshall looks at Alice fearful. "If they know she's immune, they will kill her. They will drain her body of blood, and use her like the Syndicate do."

I have always respected the man Marshall is. Hearing his words assures me that I'm not being selfish because he shares those same concerns.

Cosworth pulls her closer. "Dad?"

"I know," Hawkes frowns, running his hand in Alice's hair.

"We'll keep you safe," Cosworth tells her. "Can I draw some blood from her, Negan?"

"Yes. Harlan will help you so we can find out what the fuck is going on. Bryan, Hawkes, Marshall, bring back the undead that bit her. What you can find at least."

"Drawing blood right now is too risky because she's not out of the clear yet. Her body is in hypovolemic shock. It explains the loss of consciousness, the weak pulse, her shallow breathing, and the clammy skin. I also believe she's suffered a mild heart attack, which means there could be a fatal one coming soon. Let's do a blood transfusion to be safe."

I'm left alone with Alice feeling all this uncertainty while Harlan gathers the things needed for the transfusion. I remember praying for this second chance, but not fucking like this. I don't want this for her.

"A foolish part of me wished for immunity last night when I was in your arms except, now that I'm here, I am terrified. I know that this has been difficult for you and I do not wish to add to your suffering but I'd rather-"

"Yes, I know what you're asking." It chokes me up. "I'll take your life before anyone takes you from me," I sob. This is irony at its pinnacle. I coil our hands together, pressing my lips to her ring. Briefly, all the chaos around us is forgotten when I show her my hand with my ring. "I thought you'd never get this chance."

"Me, too," she weeps.

I expect to be interrupted by Harlan, but it's Butcher.

The IV is still in his arm, dragging behind him on the floor. "Alice," he panics out of breath. "They said… they said she was bit."

"And they said you were fucking dead!" What the fuck is going on around here? Not that I'm complaining about people being alive, but fuck. All these laps around the goddamn anxiety pool.

Butcher unintentionally sits on the bed. He's still quite weak and it's a wonder how he even got up the steps without passing out. "Your hand," he frowns.

"I can't move my fingers," Alice cries.

"Where were you bit?"

Alice tilts her head some to show him her neck.

He hangs his, shaking it back and forth.

"Butcher, it's been over twelve hours and she hasn't turned."

"She's immune?"

"I don't know what the fuck is going on."

"Negan, if people know she's immune-"

"I know. So that means keep this to yourself."

"Of course I will, but she's not safe here."

I run my hand down my face so fucking lost.

"What about that other place. Alexandria? The one we trade with sometimes."

Harlan couldn't have come at a better time for the transfusion because this conversation is upsetting me. I didn't consider the possibility that I might have to send Alice away in order to keep her safe.

"You should be resting," Harlan scolds Butcher before making the preparations for the transfusion.

"I'm glad you're okay," I tell Butcher. "I was pretty concerned when I woke up and you were unconscious."

"Yeah, that wasn't too graceful. Any word on Vasquez, doc?"

"Unfortunately, no. Though with both you and Negan now conscious it does help his chances. Brain trauma is just one of those things."

"Butcher, go in the parlor and lay down on one of the lounges." I'll feel better about having him close to my door to keep people out.

"Oh, hell yes. It's damn fucking nice up here."

This might seem a little weird, especially because I'm such a jealous motherfucker, but I do appreciate that Butcher has Alice's best interest. He's not the only one, either.

Alice whimpers in pain as Harlan examines her right hand.

"Alice, I don't want to frighten you, but looking at your hand and the extensive damage you're not going to have use of it again."

She's a complete dead pan other than the tears coming down her cheeks.

If Rick the fucking prick can make it with one hand, I have complete confidence that Alice will, too.

Alice waits until Harlan leaves to show any type of emotion towards what he's said.

It breaks my heart, once again. I just imagine this same expression when the doctor told her that she had cancer. Fuck, I'd give anything to have been there by her side at the hospital that day. It might have been a two hour drive to Charlottesville, but I'd make that trip there every day after work. Shit, who am I kidding? As if this woman would want me by her side. "Do you ever think about us? What could have been if you would have talked to me that day when you came by the shop?"

"Yes."

"Care to fucking elaborate?"

"Negan, nothing would have come to fruition. I was only sixteen at the time."

"Damn, calm down, woman. I didn't mean I'd put you on my workbench, shit. I'm just curious what could have been if we had talked."

"I am equally interested in knowing."

"Maybe we'll go back to your house. Do a little roleplay."

"You speak as if things will be normal after this point. Butcher is right, I am not safe here."

"Let's take this one fucking minute at a time. Jesus, I just got you back." For however long that is.

"I do not comprehend the logic in being immune to their bite."

"I know. I don't, either. Just sounds like bad writing to me."

"It must be a delayed reaction."

"Yeah," I frown as I start to become choked up.

"Will you… make love to me one last time?"

Even with my eyes closed I can't stop the tears from falling, and I just fucking lose it. I cup my face and sob into my hands. "I can't be a man for you right now. I'm sorry." How fucking embarrassing to admit impotence in myself to this woman. "I'm going to miss you fucking saying intercourse so goddamn much," I choke.

"As I will miss your boorish ways, lout."

"It's not fucking fair." I'm hysterical at this point as I revert into a child and even more so when I lay my head in her lap. I have failed every single woman in my life, and all three have paid with their life because of it.

"Please don't do anything foolish when I perish."

I think about what Alice said to me several months ago when I was coming out of that coma.

_I had a night terror last night. You were one of the dead. I couldn't bring myself to end your existence, so I secured you in the shed. You became docile when I plied out your teeth. Sometimes, I would even curl up with you only you were cold. You're never cold. Worst of all, you were quiet. If I found myself lucky, you'd emit some type of moan. Those were good days. Truthfully, Negan, if something happens to you I find myself contemplating keeping you as my own._

It's an extremity that I find myself contemplating as well because I can't bring myself to part from this woman. She'd still be with me that way. I could braid her hair. Clean her hands after I've fed her some type of animal carcass to keep her satisfied. Read to her while she sits chained up at my feet.

Alice curls her finger as she drags it against my cheek to rid my tears. "I love you."

My eyes move up to meet hers. "Alice-"

"Negan," Marshall yells unnerved from the parlor.

Bile churns in my stomach. "Wait here," I instruct, going to my men in the parlor.

The undead is wrapped in a tarp, set on one of the coffee tables.

"Cosworth, Alice should be in good shape for the moment if you need to draw blood. No pressure, but time is of the essence."

"Alice is family. I will do everything I can to save her," he assures me, then begins his examination on the dead.

Butcher sits up from the lounge as he tilts his head to the side some. "Am I the only person around here with any sense? You actually brought this thing back here in hopes to make some magic antibody?"

"Look, I'll be the first one to admit that I am fucking scared right now. I don't know what else to do at this point, and I am desperate to save my wife."

"Gentlemen," Cosworth starts.

"We're wasting time with this fucking science experiment, Negan!"

"Have some faith in my son," Hawkes snaps at Butcher.

"Everyone chill the fuck out," I referee.

"Excuse me," Cosworth tries again.

"So that's the plan? Put that woman's body through more agony than it's already been through?"

In one swift motion, Cosworth yanks the skin right off its head.

"What the fuck," we all yell in unison.

Cosworth turns the skin over to show us that the back of this thing has been laced up.

I brace the arm of the lounge before dropping to my knees. "She wasn't bit by an undead," I repeat myself several times over, trying to catch my breath. I lose it in front of my men. "She's not infected," I sob.

Every burly motherfucker in this room is in tears.

"It must be some type of cloaking device he was wearing in order to blend in with the undead. His hands are also covered in the undead skin as well."

"Bryan, Hawkes, I need you to bring Rick here."

"He was here when we returned from getting the undead," Bryan informs me.

It's not time for our monthly trade which concerns me. "Bring him up here then." I also instruct Marshall and Hawkes to find Dalton because I need the three of them for something.

"I'm sorry, kid," Butcher tells Cosworth.

"Well, technically you're still right. I mean, I didn't do anything but discover something anyone else could have," Cosworth frowns.

"At least you're trying. Maybe you'll find a cure after all."

"Perhaps. Negan, may I say goodbye to Alice?"

"Of course." I notice Butcher hobbling to the parlor doors. "Where are you going?"

"I appreciate the offer to stay up here, but I'm going to head back down with the others. No sense in sitting around."

"Yeah, you only fell fifty feet, why would you need any rest? No big deal or anything besides the fact you can barely stand."

"I'm hoping it will lead to some pity sex," he smirks.

This fucker and I have too much in common. I'm left alone after Cosworth shows himself out. This corpse is stinking up the parlor already, though it's a smell that I am grateful for because it means I get another chance with Alice. You better believe I won't fuck this one up. I'll be the kind of man she deserves. I take the skin off the floor and prepare myself. It's going to be overwhelming for her knowing she's been given this chance. I find her reading. Of course. Only she'd try to sneak in one more book before the inevitable. There's something about Alice that I've always found to be remarkable. It's one of the reasons why she's such a suitable mate. For as long as I can remember, she always knows when there's something weighing on me.

She's quick to make it off the bed and to me.

"You weren't bit by an undead. It was some fucking lunatic in a meat puppet suit." I dangle the skin off my fingers, then toss it to the side.

Her lips part as her eyes follow the skin to the floor. "I'm not infected?!"

"No," I breathe relieved, hoisting her up.

"Oh, gosh, Negan," she sobs into the arch of my neck.

My lips settle against the top of her head as my hold on this woman intensifies. Here go the fucking waterworks again.

Her lips capture mine in a deep overwhelming much welcomed embrace.

It reminds me of the first time we shared one. How nothing mattered but her. It silences all the worries that constantly go through my mind. Something I was so opposed to throughout my life, I'll never get enough of with her. My tongue finds hers, greedy for the closeness. Craving her. Wanting her. Needing her. Needing this. Undoing me in every way possible. God, this woman is my **everything**. I kiss her once more on the forehead before I set her down because I can hear someone close to my door.

"Am I… interrupting?"

"Yeah, you fucking are actually."

Alice pinches the back of my arm.

"Your men said she was bit, though I was informed on the way up that it was by a human, not a roamer." Rick gives Alice a hug.

I grunt, looking the other way. "I need to talk to you. In the other room." So get your **fucking** claw off what's mine.

"We've got a problem," he starts once we're in the parlor.

"I'll say." I sling the skin at his feet.

"They call themselves the Whisperers."

"You **knew**?!"

"I am meeting with their leader."

"I told you about the Syndicate because I knew the threat they posed. I didn't keep it to myself knowing it could have cost the lives of your men. Ultimately, I don't expect to bring them down with just us, so my reasoning is partially selfish for telling you because we need to work together. But either way for my reasoning, you went and hid something this vital from me?"

"I was handling things."

"Handling things? I almost lost my wife," I bellow, taking a menacing step forward.

He's quick to pull his colt python from his side holster.

I roll my eyes so goddamn hard, pointing right at this fucker's chest.

Not one, but three laser sights are on him. Dalton, Hawkes, and Marshall all step out from different corners of the parlor.

"Try it. You'll be dead before that finger hovers over the trigger. You think you're going to come into my house and threaten me? No matter what you do, I will always be one step ahead of you."

Rick lowers his weapon as do my men.

"Leave," I tell them. As if I need a militia to take this fucker down, but the upper hand is something I have always had over Rick. The one time I let my guard down, he slit my throat. Never again. "Now are we going to try and be somewhat civil to work this out?"

"I wanted to see the level of threat we were dealing with with this group, that's why the radio silence. Alice being a victim to them isn't something I could have foreseen."

"Keep her name out of your mouth. You have no idea what I have just been through."

"I know that over the years, this life has changed me. Things that happen anymore don't surprise me. They're just something we deal with, and deal with a certain stoicism about it. When I first met Alice and witness what those men had done to her, it was anything but a stoic response. She's not just some name to me, Negan. Carl loves Alice a great deal, as do I. Take that how you want, but the mood of this place when I first entered tells me that we're not the only ones. They still think she's infected."

"With everything, I haven't told them yet."

"I have control over the situation with the Whisperers, for now. Let me deal with them, and you work on finding out the location of the Syndicate. I think the less we don't step on each other's toes, the better."

"Yeah. I'll agree with you on that much. Do you want help down the steps, old man?"

"No. I'll take my chances tripping to my death over being pushed to it."

I didn't consider him having to hobble up all these flights of steps, but fuck him.

"Before I leave, I'd like to extend an invitation to your men to come to Alexandria. We're having a fair with several of the other communities. They're welcome to bring personal items to barter and trade with. Carl will enjoy getting to see Alice."

"Alright then. I appreciate that."

"Negan, your men are welcome. You are not. I think we can both agree that your presence there will only upset the others."

I fold my arms with a pout and look away from the prick. "Like I give a shit about some country bumpkin fuck-around fair."

"Whatever." Rick starts for the door and as he opens it, he turns to face me. "Carl told me about the ring he forged for her to give to you."

I'm sure he fucking loved that conversation.

"Can I see it?"

I hear Alice's displeased sigh all the way from my room. "I don't know, can you?" I wish I could see her smirk right now.

Rick just gives me a funny look.

I almost start laughing but he shows himself out before I can get any further amusement from it. When I get in my room, she giggles. I have to do another take. **My** Alice giggling? Shit, maybe this whole thing changed her. Speaking of… I need to talk with my men about her, and also tell them about the fair. "We should let everyone know what's going on. Do you feel up to it?"

"No, but I will accompany you if you will assist me to the meeting room. Then I'd like a shower."

"I'll assist you with that, too," I smirk. It's a lot more emotional than I think to tell my men, especially because Kid's group has returned. Kuzma was very upset after Alice pieced together what she could of his language to tell him what happened. I also felt a bit of tension as he left. Like he no longer trusted me to keep her safe, and he's not the only one I get that feeling from. After everything was said and done, I wasn't really in the mood to help Alice with her shower, and let her be. This entire day has been exhausting, so I pour myself a rather large drink to settle my nerves and bring it to a close. After the fifth one, I'm feeling rather lascivious as Alice would say. Something tells me not to open my mouth, and I'm glad I keep it shut because it's Kid that walks in my room. She'd probably never recover from the filthy fuckery meant for Alice. "How did the hunt go?"

She takes in a sharp breath and starts to sob.

"It's not the end of the world if you didn't bring anything back," I frown, having a seat back on my chair with my next glass. Unless… "Oh. Is this about Alice?"

"Yes," she snivels as tears cut through the dirt on her face.

"Come here."

"No. I have to be strong. I can't show emotion!"

"Well, it's a little late for that," I laugh.

Kid becomes embarrassed when Alice returns to the room as she tries to hide her tears. "Good night," she murmurs, hurrying from the room.

Alice takes her by the wrist before she leaves.

"No, let go," Kid screams.

"What's troubling you?"

Kid yanks her arm from Alice, then shoves her in the stomach. "You should have been stronger! You put everyone through all this grief for nothing!" Kid shoves her again.

"Knock it off," I shout defensive.

"You're right, I should have been stronger. It wasn't my intention to cause anguish to anyone."

"I'm angry with you!"

"You have every right to be."

"You made me cry," she yells.

Alice's lips part briefly as if she's about to speak, but instead she starts to cry. "I'm sorry to put you in a vulnerable state."

I look away because it's upsetting me, and before I say something stupid. In no way is this Alice's fault. Even if it was, I'm extremely territorial over what's mine and don't want someone yelling at her.

"You don't have the right to cry!"

"Alright, this is enough, Kid," I demand.

"I'm not speaking to you," she snaps.

"Please," Alice begs me.

My grip on this glass is so forceful from the aggression brewing inside, it breaks in my hand. "Goddammit," I shout, as a large chunk sticks from my hand. "Get out," I yell at Kid.

"Do not raise your voice to her, Negan."

"Fuck, fuck!"

"I'm sorry," Kid cries, wrapping her arms around Alice.

"This is not your fault."

"No, I'm sorry for yelling at you. For being mad at you. I love you, Alice! I thought I lost you," she snivels.

"Oh," Alice whimpers, trying her best to tend to my hand while keeping it together with Kid.

"I got it," I tell Alice. Guess this isn't really as bad as I thought, other than there's glass in my fucking hand. Though I think my hands are the toughest skin I have thanks to Lucille. I clean and tend to my wound while also trying to keep watch on Alice and Kid. Kid isn't really saying much other than repeating how sorry she is to Alice. She's even worse at trying to display what little feelings she has than Alice is. I worry about how angry she's becoming. She pulled this same shit with me not but a few months ago.

"May I sleep with you and Negan? Just for one night?"

I nod when Alice looks my way for approval. Suppose I'm not getting any sleep tonight. Fuck, I was really looking forward to it being just the two of us.

"Shower and brush your teeth first."

"Yes," Kid shouts, hurrying out the door.

Fucking yes, indeed. That should buy me some time with Alice. "So." I raise my eyebrows up and down. "Me all bloody turn you on any?"

"She'll return soon."

"I'm already being cockblocked by the kid."

Alice spent over an hour trying her best to clean the blood from the mattress. Shit, I thought Kid was going to fall asleep at my feet before Alice finally allowed me back into my own bed. This woman.

"Please situate yourself," Alice tells Kid.

It makes me laugh because that was something I told Alice.

"Grimm has been sleeping a lot with papa."

"It's not right to gossip."

"I just worry. What if she marries him?"

"Do you have ill feelings towards Grimm?"

"I like her, but I like you more."

"I do not understand."

That's surprising. Even I can see what Kid is trying to convey to Alice. Though Alice would be rather dense when it comes to something like this.

"…because I think of you like my mom, not her."

"I see."

"Are you mad? I'm sorry. It's just… you've done more for me than my mom ever did. Not that she was a bad mom. I'll stop."

"I am just a little taken back by your honesty. Kid, I am not parental material. While I appreciate that you would consider me a guardian, I fear that I will only disappoint you. If Grimm does marry Kuzma, it doesn't mean that she would be yours, either. Our world is not the same as it once was. I suppose there's really no rules for this type of situation."

"So I'd be okay if I thought of you as my mom and her?"

"Yes. If that's what you desire."

I really don't think this is a conversation I should be here for. Neither seem to mind my presence, but I'm awkward as fuck right now. Awkward for Alice to be in this situation knowing how much she detests children but at the same time wants to be something stable for Kid. Awkward for Kid who obviously wants to ask Alice if she can call her mom but knows she shouldn't cross that boundary.

"I love you, Alice."

"I love you, as well."

"That's good enough for me," she giggles, moving close to Alice.

I wait until Kid is asleep before I open my mouth. "Alice, it's okay to want to be a mother to Kid."

"I don't understand why you would say that to me. You know it's not my desire to have children. While I do have the best interest for Kid, that means knowing I cannot be that figure for her."

"Bullshit. I know you have your issues because of what you've been through, but you'd make a good mother."

"I dislike the responsibility. To know that ultimately my wrong decision will affect this small being. Kid already shares several idiosyncrasies of mine from what little time I've spent with her."

"She does it because she looks up to you."

"Foolish. I am not even in control of my own self."

"Christ, you're lousy at receiving compliments, woman."

Alice touches my cheek, giving me a warm smile before her lips meet mine.

Figures. Now she wants me when we can't do a fucking thing about it. Though, I can't really complain because I have another day with her. There's a part of me that truly feels like Charli and my mom had a hand in this. To show me just how fucking selfish I've been in what could easily be the worst day of my life.

* * *

I blink several times trying to figure out what the fuck is going on right now because I cannot believe that I actually fell asleep last night. That, and there's a size three foot in my face. I push Kid's leg away and wonder how in the hell she got in that position. Every day she and Alice have more similarities. There are times I find Alice curled up in the corner at the foot of the bed. I grunt and pull out from under me this old ratted stuffed bear. How it got under me, I'll never know. "Aren't you a little old to be sleeping with this kinda shit?"

"Alice gave it to me. It was Charli's."

I feel like a jackass now. "It's about to lose its arm."

"Oh, no! Alice is going to be so mad!"

I dig around in my end table for the surgical suture and needle I had from my stitches. Lord knows I had enough practice putting the fuckers in. I can't fucking believe I'm about to sew this goddamn bear back together.

"Careful," she whines.

I should kick my own ass for being such a domesticated vagina. Fuck, my hand hurts. I really cut it up on that fucking glass. "There."

"Thank you," she giggles, kissing me on the cheek before hurrying from the room to start her day.

I lean over and grope Alice just to gain a shred of masculinity back.

"Thank you."

"For feeling you up? Any time," I laugh.

"No, for last night, and for repairing the stuffed bear for her."

Turns out, I'm given a nice reward after I'm instructed to have a seat in my chair. Goddamn, I love those pouty lips around my cock. It's quick and dirty, then I'm left alone vulnerable and used with my pants around my ankles. Fine by me.

* * *

Alice has been gone all fucking day. She was gone most of yesterday, too. I don't expect to walk outside and witness her sobbing into Butcher's arms. The fuck?

Butcher frowns, pointing at a dozen or so knives on the ground rather than in the target.

Shit. I hook Alice by the arm and pull her to me.

She's rather hysterical, especially for being in a place that anyone can walk by and see but it doesn't seem to detour her emotions. "Every day is one more thing I can't do. How am I supposed to protect myself?"

"I will protect you."

"Protect me?" She pulls away from me, giving me the most rigid cold stare. "Like all the other times you have failed?" Alice walks right past me and inside Sanctuary.

It hits me like a freight train hearing those words, and strips me of my masculinity. If I can't be her protector, I am nothing.

"She's just upset."

Tears come down my cheeks. "She's right. Just like the shipping yard, or with Vic, or the men at the pharmacy."

"You can't blame yourself for that."

"I do. Every goddamn day." As I go after Alice, my lament turns into resentment. I find her in the bathroom bandaging her hand.

"I apologize-"

"Yeah? Fucking spare me." I slam the door behind me as if she's not going to come after me.

"I was apoplectic, Negan, and took my frustrations out on you."

" **Don't**."

"I'm disgusted at myself right now."

"It doesn't matter if you're angry! It still came from your mouth. I know I didn't protect you! Okay? Fuck, I live with that every day, but I fucking told you not to touch me around them, didn't I? **Didn't I**?" My tone frightens her. "Look what happened because of it? They took you. Used you against me, and walked right out these doors with you. Just like Vic sniffed out that fucking weakness. I am the factor in my mom's death, Lucille's, and what was almost yours. Me!" I ease the ring from my hand, slipping it in her vest pocket. "I'm done. I'm done because this way I know you'll be safe. I know that I'll never put you in danger again."

"Maybe you haven't always protected me, but at least you tried. Now you want to give up? You're a coward." She tries to get her ring off but she can't with her other hand because she has no movement in her fingers.

My eyes well up again because it's so fucking sad. When she sticks her finger in her mouth to try and get it off that way, I pull her in my arms. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it either," I cry.

She loses it and sobs against me.

I remember asking what the point of Alice being bit was. Now I understand it because it forced me to take a step back and really consider my feelings for her. Maybe I thought other times I got the message with all of the close calls, but it takes actually losing her for those few hours to realize it. Don't fucking be like me. Don't wait until it's too late and you might not get that chance. "I love you, Alice. I love you so fucking much."

* * *

**A/N If you follow the comics, I really don't see the Whisperers biting someone but at the time when I wrote this, the Whisperers hadn't been around all that long and we really didn't know much about them. The Whisperers and the Syndicate! Here we go! Also, I have added a link on my profile so you can see what every OC looks like. Feel free to follow me on Tumblr, too! @redisunamused**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N Greetings, all! Here's a small update for now. Think of it as the preface for what's to come. Thank you for all the reviews, I really appreciate them!**

* * *

I slouch in my chair and take another cranky drink as I watch Alice get ready to go to this fuckshow. Goddamn, she **would** look good. Those glitter fuck me heels. Skintight white lace dress. Pearls... oh for fuck's sake. I'm not about to beg her to stay. I just wish this was one of those times she could read me. Truthfully, it sucks because I feel like telling my men I was banned from the fair would be some kind of red flag. That they'd be like fuck these motherfuckers. Dwight killed one of Rick's right hand men. Marshall helped hold down that Asian kid. Connor almost killed the sniper bitch. Not that I want them to be excluded, but what's so fucking bad about me? Why is there no redemption for me?

"I'll stay close to Marshall so you're not worried. Don't wait up too late."

I really try not to show the betrayal on my face, but I know it's there.

Maybe by ignoring it, she didn't feel as guilty leaving. "Walk me out."

"You got two legs."

"I apologize if there's been confusion, but I wasn't asking you."

I'm not in the fucking mood to argue with her, so I'm a good little submissive fuck. I'm in disbelief looking around the parlor. All of my men are here. There's a bar set up in the corner and food surrounding it. One of the ping pong tables have been brought up, and there's also a table for poker. "I don't understand, I thought everyone would be at the fair."

"An invitation without you isn't something we want to be a part of," Marshall tells me, the others taking his side.

"Saviors," Butcher smirks.

I don't really know what to say, and feel like an asshole for ever doubting my men. Most importantly Alice.

"We thought it might be fun for some of the children to go, though. If you're okay with it."

I nod at Tara. "Of course."

"Banksy and I will take them there."

"Tara, barter some of our sugar. Take Carson with you so he can keep track of everything."

"Yes, Sir."

I notice Kid trying to make her way in the parlor. There's no telling what these fucker's have in store that I don't want Kid to be a witness to so I point her to the stairwell. "Why don't you go with Tara and the others?"

"I'm not a child," Kid huffs, folding her arms.

"You could bond some with Grimm."

She sighs, lowering her arms. "Yeah. I get what you mean. But if anyone asks, I'm only going to protect the others."

"Of course," I wink. "And you'll have a terrible time."

"Damn right," she shouts, marching down the steps.

My eyes drop when I feel fingers touch my skin. "Hand. **Off**."

Sherry sighs, dropping her hand at her side. "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You've been through a lot, Negan."

"Leave me alone."

"Do you want me to stay here or go to the fair?"

"I don't care what you do."

"You're such an asshole."

"Why am I the asshole?! Quit sticking your goddamn nose in everything! I buried my mother a long time ago, Sherry." Her tears mean absolute dick to me because it's about fucking time she learns this shit once and for all. Always meddling in shit, telling people what to do and how to feel. I'm fucking sick to death of it.

"Why don't you just come right out and say it then? How much you hate me. I don't have anyone, okay? Dwight won't even look at me. Marshall left me. You can't stand me. I can't have children-"

"That's enough! I fucking told you the day you showed up at my door that deceiving Dwight about your illness was a bad idea. You put that riff between the two of you, and you fucked things between me and him. Marshall left you because you're more worried about making Dwight jealous than trying to have a relationship with him. Don't try and throw your infertility in my face to make me feel bad. Keep your fucking hands off me, and stay the fuck out of my head." Goddamn, she would rile me up the one night I might actually get to let loose.

Alice has followed me into the bathroom, setting her hand on the arch of my back.

It always makes me realize just how far I've come. Considering I just yelled at Sherry for it. "You hear everything?" I'm given a nod. "I said what I needed to say. It felt… good. Still, maybe I was too hard on her. Her face was so fucking crushed."

"It's only difficult to express because it needed to be said."

I smile back at Alice in the mirror.

"Relax. Enjoy yourself tonight."

"I can think of one way to relax," I smirk before my jaw drops. "Yeah, fuck. Just like that," I grunt, grabbing a fist full of her hair. God, I love this woman.

* * *

I groan, squinting at the sun that's beaming in through the blinds. Blinds mind you that are holding on for dear life with some kind of food residue dripping off them. There's a comforter shoved in the fireplace that's still smoking. I thought I pissed myself, but I'm lying in a puddle from a broken vodka bottle. What the fuck happened last night? Jesus Christ, my fucking head. What I think is Alice laying on my side turns out to be Connor. Connor and his lack of clothes. And he's sucking his thumb? "Get off me," I yell, shoving him to the side.

"Ow, fuck," he groans.

"The **fuck** are you sleeping naked next to me for?!"

Joanna is also next to me in nothing but some white shirt about three sizes too small.

Oh Christ. What the fuck have I done? "Alice," I panic, grabbing my head and trying to get to my feet. I'm only wearing one boot. My other one is on the coffee table with… I take a sniff. Guacamole?! I flip it upside down and add to the mess on the floor. Fucking ridiculous. I rub my eyes in disbelief again hoping this is a dream, but the debauchery only gets worse.

Butcher is passed out on the lounge with Molly on top of him.

Dalton and Cindy are half way inside the parlor and half way outside on the balcony.

Hawkes is covered in children's craft feathers adhered with maple syrup. What the fuck? Oh… I get it. Hawkes dressed as a hawk. Idiots.

Dwight and Laura are in one of the chairs.

Church is actually sprawled out on top of the bar and food covers him like some sort of human buffet.

Marshall, Rachel, and Nicole are asleep in Joanna's old bed. Marshall's hands are handcuffed above him.

I notice on the chandelier above me hangs bras and panties. I'm a dead man. Wait, there's Connor's boxers on there, too. The parlor is a fucking wreck. Drugs, food, broken glass, used condoms, clothing, cigarettes, vomit, and disposable cups cover the floor. I hear snoring coming from the bathroom and find Cosworth in the bathtub. Fuck it. I gotta piss and I need to wash my boot out that was used as a dip bowl. My eyebrow inches upward when I come back into the parlor.

Molly is awake and has made her way over to King.

Could have gone the rest of my life without seeing those two go at it. I retreat to my bedroom, ready to grovel.

Alice is the one shred of innocence in this entire fucking place. She's in some elegant lingerie, reading her book while sipping on some tea. "Good morning, lout. I made you coffee."

"I'm in big fucking trouble, aren't I?"

" **Immeasurable**."

"Fuck. What emasculating thing may I do to make up for it?" She already has my punishment picked out in the form of rose cocksucking gold toenail polish. "How long do I have to be subjected to this punishment, your majesty?"

"A substantial amount of time."

"Yeah... I was afraid of that."

"Put this on." She flings a navy work shirt at me.

"Where did you find this," I laugh, looking my mechanic shirt from Tony's over.

"I was owed a favor from Tara."

"Remind me to think of something awful for her to spend next week doing." I've actually lost some muscle since the last time I wore this shirt, but I won't tell Alice that. "Wanna polish my rod instead?"

"I doubt your boss would appreciate such filthy language towards the customers."

I bellow out a laugh. "You have no goddamn idea. Tony was always writing me up for my mouth in front of the customers."

"Quit stalling." She extends her right foot outward.

"Fuck. Fine," I sigh. Something tells me I'm getting off lucky. What a fucking vagina I am. I don't even know what I'm doing, and this shit is going every-fucking-where. "Alice, you know I wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt you, right? I had way too much to drink or something last night."

"You were drugged."

Not again. "I don't remember a goddamn thing."

"No, you wouldn't. Your night came to an end rather abruptly."

"Then why the fuck am I painting your toes if I fucking behaved?" That fucking grin of hers stretches ear to ear. "Goddammit, you almost gave me a heart attack."

"It would appear the joke is on me," she responds displeased at her toes.

"Please fucking tell me you know what's going on?"

"Yes and no. After you passed out, I returned to your room."

"Why didn't they help you drag me in here at least?"

"They were all extremely preoccupied dumping water over the other women's breasts."

"Who won?" I slam my eyes shut. "Sorry."

"Joanna."

"Wanna have our own wet T-shirt contest?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"Cosworth is occupying the bathtub."

"Goddamn. I like how you're always fucking down for the kinky shit that comes out of my mouth."

Alice narrows her eyes at the sounds in the other room.

I groan, rolling mine. "King and Molly. That's not even the worse thing I've seen this morning. Connor passed out on me naked, sucking his thumb."

"I am equally disturbed. I, also, was a witness to Molly and Butcher when I went to make your coffee."

"I have never met a bigger group of sexual deviants."

"This is coming from a man who had five wives."

"Yeah. **Wives**. I ain't down for seeing another dude's dick."

Alice giggles, then goes back to her book.

"You read any good sex scenes lately?"

"Actually, yes. I read-"

"Negan, Negan," Kid shrills out of breath. "Come quick! Hurry!"

Talk about fucking timing. This girl is going to grow up faster than I thought.

"At the fair. They have our people!"

I don't even change out of my old work shirt, and sling on my still soaking wet boot. "Wake the fuck up," I shout at the others. "Kid, is it the Syndicate?"

"No! I don't know these people. You have to hurry!"

How can I jump into something like this and not even know what the fuck I'm dealing with? I see Mr. I'll fucking handle the Whisperers Grimes is in way over his fucking head. I knew I should have just seen to it myself. Goddammit, do I have to do everything around this motherfucker?

Alice is in no shape to fight, but she's quick to be by my side.

Kuzma is waiting in one of the trucks with Dog.

As we start towards the Safe-Zone, I try to remember who all is there. Tara, Banks, Bryan, Amber, Mark, Tim Jr., James, Hannah, their kid, Sherry, Grimm, Carson, some of the other children, and Clara.

Kid is a mess, sobbing into Alice's arms.

Of course I'm not getting anything out of Kuzma. When we come over the hill of the Safe-Zone, my eyes widen in terror. I barrel out of the truck before it even comes to a complete stop.

Rick is already here.

Carl is at his feet with his head bowed.

"The Whisperers attacked people from the Hilltop, Kingdom, Alexandria, and Sanctuary attending the fair." Rick extends his finger outward. "This is a message not to cross into their borders."

These Whisperer motherfucker's beheaded twelve people, some from each community, and put their heads on these tall pikes. The pikes are evenly spaced out and act as that border we are not to cross.

My eyes well up at the fourth person down the line. "Tara," I mouth.

A broken and very emotional Banks sits at the pike where Tara has been beheaded.

Tara would never be easily subdued which only makes me writher in torment thinking about her fighting until her last breath. She would have been the first one on the front lines to fight these Syndicate and Whisperer fucks. It sickens me to know after everything she's been through it ends like this. What kind of a human being beheads others and makes a mockery out of it by impaling them? All of the heads on the pikes have turned. Turbid empty orbs and spoiled flesh have replaced the ones we care for.

Olivia is also one of the victims.

Marshall stares back at the reanimated head. "The things I said to her," he frowns.

My last conversation with Olivia isn't something I can be proud of, either.

_Sorry I'm not as accepting of Marshall's dead wife like Alice is of yours._

_Fuck you, Olivia, you fucking fuck! After every goddamn thing I did for you, you ungrateful bitch._

"You couldn't have known it'd be the last time you two would speak." I set my hand on his shoulder briefly but become distracted by the person on the end. "No," I murmur. I find my words to Marshall a little hard to swallow right now. "Oh, god, no," I wince, leaning over and pressing my hands to my knees. My head moves side to side in disbelief. This isn't real. This isn't fucking happening. Not her, too. My knees want to give out before I make it to the twelfth victim. I pull my knife from its holster. "I'm so fucking sorry, Sherry," I frown, driving my knife into her skull. The sound is something I will never forget. "Let's bring them home so we can bury them," I instruct my men. It's one time that I'd offer my help to the other communities, except I know that this is a situation where it's best to handle your own. I glance over at Rick briefly. He won't say it, and neither will I, but there's an unspoken exchange of condolences for one another. A moment of mutual respect.

...

Not one word is said on the way back. Only the sounds of Kid's soft cries muffled into Alice's vest. I'd normally turn to Alice for comfort as well, but I don't deserve that right now.

Kuzma points east before we turn into Sanctuary.

The sky houses some of the most menacing clouds, like it anticipated the deaths.

Once we arrive, Alice hands Kid off to Kuzma.

I know she did it so she could be by my side, but the truth is I need to be alone.

Banks and Marshall dig Tara's grave.

I have so much guilt and pent up aggression that I practically dig Sherry's grave by myself. There's blisters on my hands from the shovel, and sweat burning my eyes, but it doesn't deter me. I don't even have the right to mourn Sherry after what I fucking said to her. After the way I dismissed her concerns. Honestly, I don't know what to feel at this moment. If these Whisperer fucks can blend in with the undead, how long have they been watching our every move? Months? Years? We cannot have two sets of psychotic fucks running around and threatening our livelihood. I have always tried to instill in my men that you do not kill people you do not know, but this is an exception. There will be no redemption for the abhorrent events against my people. Beheading women and putting them on pikes… no one deserves such a deplorable death. This is difficult for my men because it was without warning. A moment where we could let our guard down and come together has turned into a burial. I will not be unwary again. **We** will not be unwary again.

"At least her suffering is over. She'll never feel pain again from that goddamn disease," Dwight says behind me.

I didn't even consider that. Still, I know the kind of person that Sherry was. She would have fought through the pain to be at our sides. Bossing us every step of the way, too. "Saviors," I begin. Having to speak is difficult because of my history with Tara and Sherry. It's one of those things about being a leader that you just have to suck up and do. Even though I'm not in the right mind frame, I've got to be strong for my men. I need to assure them that atrocities like this will not go unpunished. "Know that anger will make us careless. We can't bring justice to the ones that have lost their lives by foolishly rushing in. Everything will be calculated and, when the time comes, we **will** make things right." After everything with Rick, I never thought I'd have to say these words again. It weighs heavy on me because I know our losses are far from done. "We're going to war."

* * *

**A/N I posted Phlegmatic. The fic where Alice meets Negan before the outbreak if you want to check it out!**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N This chapter will reference a lot of things from chapter 25. When Negan was in his coma from the Syndicate fight. There's also some very detailed filthy smut in this chapter if that stuff bothers you.**

* * *

_The wheels of progress; sooner or later they took you back to where you started from._

* * *

I feel like absolute fuck this morning. It's more than losing two of our own, I just feel uneasy. I tilt my head to the side when I notice some random piece of paper by the bedpost. That's strange. Alice is so goddamn anal about this room being clean that sometimes I think she's going to make the bed with me in it. When I swipe it from the floor, it doesn't look familiar. The paper is in terrible condition like it belongs in the trash. There are all kinds of stains, including blood, and tears in it.

_Dearest Lout,_

I use the bedpost to steady myself. After everything we've been through, don't fucking tell me this is some kind of bullshit breakup letter she never gave me. I take a few deep breaths before I continue the letter from Alice. If I wasn't already steadying myself, I'd fall over. There's no secret I'm alive because she got me out of that warehouse, but what I didn't know is she gave blood to save me and it should have killed her. This is a letter telling me goodbye.

_I promise in the next life I won't be as stubborn when you ask me to be a wife, even if it's just a place amongst the others._

I run my hand down my face, taking my tears with it. Reading all this woman's emotions that she'd never dare speak exhausts me.

_Thank you for giving me a life worth living._

She had literally given me a part of herself to save my life. She's given **me** a life worth living. As my bedroom door creaks open, I slip the letter inside my front pocket. There are so many things I want to tell her, but when I turn around it's not her.

Cosworth and Church both stand at the door rattled.

"Something tells me I ain't gonna be happy to see you two fuckers."

Church swallows nervously. "Yeah. We have a problem. A **big** problem."

"You'll get a better view on the roof."

I expected the whole goddamn Syndicate army and those Whisperer fucks to be at my front gates, but I don't know if this is any better. Kid's head is tilted up towards the sky when I get on the roof. "You've gotta be fucking fucking me." We watch flocks and flocks of birds as they flee west. "They're going inland."

"They've been doing this all morning," Cosworth tells me. "Believe it or not, they're starting to thin which means they're seeking shelter."

"Birds aren't the only thing wrong," Kid starts. "I took a group hunting this morning and found nothing. The animals know that something isn't right."

Fuck. "It's a hurricane."

"I've been through my share of hurricanes and never felt something like this before. It's like the hair on my neck won't go down."

I knew something was off when I woke up this morning.

"This is a big one, Sir. I know we don't have the tools to predict this kind of thing but we don't need one."

"Kid, find Carson. Tell him to call a meeting." Those ominous clouds that Kuzma saw are much worse than I could have ever imagined.

...

"Saviors, I'm going to make this brief. There's a hurricane on the way. I'm going to give everyone jobs to do, and you need to hustle. We don't have much time. Butcher, Marshall, start clearing. When the fences give, I don't want to open the doors to those fucks. Dwight, park the vehicles around the front door and back door so it gives us some cover until we can get the fences back up again. Once you're done, you, Butcher, and Marshall start bringing in all that wood from the shed. I'm not losing it in the storm. Carson, have Grimm, Kuzma, Kid, and Clara help you get the supplies into the holding cell so we can lock it. Harlan, Nicole, Rachel, move the medical supplies. Alice, do a head count and get everyone into the basement. Assign areas for people to sleep. Connor, Lee, Dalton, and Banks, we need to get everything outside that we can in here, including anything new that Church and Cosworth built. Cosworth, take a few of the men up on the roof and show them how to break the panels down. Once you're done, use the time until the storm to nail up loose spots and board up what we can. There's a lot of windows in this motherfucker. Get to work."

"Sir, I need to speak to you." Harlan looks stressed, well, more than usual.

I call my Lieutenants for a brief meeting after the two of us talk. "We've got a problem. It's Vasquez. Right now, those machines are keeping him alive. Removing the solar panels cuts that off."

"What about the generators?"

"Harlan doesn't know if the generators would keep him alive. It's a possibility but if anyone were to need them in case of an injury or something during the hurricane we won't have that resource. Yet, I can't justify killing a man because of what might happen."

"Yeah, but, fuck man. It's like my joints and shit all fucking hurt. This hurricane is going to be a big one. You can just fucking feel it. We need those generators," Connor speaks up.

"I agree, this is just something we can't waste resources on," Dwight sides.

"I see both sides, but I also agree that Vasquez may never wake up," Marshall adds.

Cosworth looks absolutely disgusted that this is even a discussion. "The argument is the generator? May I remind you that electricity is something fairly new. You survived without it. Why would you not use this chance to save his life?"

"My loyalty is to Vasquez," Hawkes starts. "I wouldn't be here without him, and neither would Negan."

Connor shakes his head. "If Tara were here she'd fucking agree with me. I'm not this heartless fuck, but this isn't about feelings and shit. This is about survival."

"Everyone here is a survivor of something. We all got here by different paths, but we're here," Cosworth reminds him.

I don't want to pit my men against each other, and this is exactly what it's doing. So it's basically two against two and Marshall undecided. I could ask Kuzma, but we don't have all fucking day to translate the shit. There's Carson. I'll get his input. Fuck, what am I even doing? Why am I calling a meeting for this shit? Yes, I want my men to have a say in things but every time I think that I'm doing right by including them it turns into some fight.

"Sir?"

I stop mid-pace in the hall when I see that it's Bryan.

"Everything okay?"

I explain to him the situation and then feel even more like a piece of shit when I'm done. Bryan was a fireman. His entire notion was saving people. What I don't expect is for him to put it in a way that makes complete sense.

"If it were Alice, what would you do?"

"I would use the generator, no questions."

"I love Alice, and I would die to protect her, but her life isn't any more important than another person's."

"Thanks, Bryan."

"And if they still don't like it, fuck 'em. You're the boss," he laughs.

My men are still going at it when I get back into the meeting room. "That's enough. We'll use the generators for Vasquez. Everyone back to work."

"Why am I always the fucking voice of reason? Negan, you've gone too fucking soft," Connor yells. "There's no guarantee that keeping him on that thing will even do anything. That big fuck could already be brain dead!"

"Connor, I will fucking demote you and put you back at the outpost. You might be loyal, but right now you're on my last goddamn nerve. That **big fuck** in the infirmary has put his life on the line for everyone in this room. There is no guarantee that it will keep him alive, but if it was Joanna in that bed I'm pretty sure you'd pull a knife on anyone that got close to her. Go clear the undead on the fence. **Alone**. Before I put you on it. Little fucking prick."

"Thank you," Hawkes tells me once the room clears.

"I'm sorry, it should never have been a question."

"No, I understand. You want to include everyone in on the decision. Vasquez would understand that."

Let's just hope that Vasquez pulls through.

...

I know my men are exhausted, but we'll sleep when we've got nothing to do but hold our dicks while it rains.

"Negan?"

"I have nothing to say to you," I dismiss Connor.

"I think you're going to want to see this."

Jesus fucking Christ, I don't know if I really want to see anything else. I've had my fill of- "The fuck?" My brow raises in confusion when I see Rick and his men at my front gates.

"We brought supplies," Rick tells me.

I point east at some of the most aggressive storm clouds I've ever seen. "Little fucking busy to be bartering."

"It's… in exchange for our safety."

"For your safety?" Oh… this outta be fucking good. This pathetic fuck here pleads his case which I never thought I'd see the day.

"Told you. This is a waste of time," the sniper bitch snarls.

I touch my hand to my chest. "Is that any way to treat your Savior? I'm thinking you need me. So let's try this again."

Andrea folds her arms and looks away. "It'd be nice if you'd reconsider."

I can do this all goddamn day, but the lightning is getting way too close for comfort. "Lucky for you, I'm feeling generous today. This way," I smirk. Yeah, okay, maybe I'm getting some kind of morbid amusement from this considering Rick Grimes is begging for me to open my doors, but it also makes me wonder just how bad this hurricane is going to be for these people to be here. I guess that's just something different about me from everyone else. They're still so bent out of shape about shit that happened years ago between us. Just fucking move on. "Is this cozy enough for you? Do you want me to fluff your pillow some?"

"No, Negan."

"I'm just messing with you, you stoic piece of shit."

"Can we do anything to help?"

I don't want him or his men to do anything that's going to fuck shit up even more. Luckily, there isn't even that much left to do. As I start to board up windows, Alice interrupts me with the list of everyone's room. I narrow my eyes at the clipboard. "The hell? Did you have Kid write this shit down for you? I can barely read anything on here."

Alice's eyes trail off. "I did the best I was able."

Fuck. "Alice, I forgot," I frown at her bandaged hand. "I'm an ass-fucking-hole."

"Yes, I am quite aware of your pejorative mannerisms."

We're interrupted by Eugene, and he has an ear full for Alice. "Did it ever occur to you there is only one way out from the basement? If that exit is compromised, we will perish."

Now I've always been protective over Alice, but with this Eugene fuck, she has never needed me. She has put him in his place so many times. Honestly, it's fucking hilarious watching these two canny fucks go at it. Half the time their insults go right over my head, but I love watching my little timid Alice lose her composure. Today being no different. Until the insults become too personal for Alice and Eugene attacks her for her deformity on her hand and all the ways it could have been avoided.

Alice's eyes spill with tears.

I've heard enough and hit Eugene so hard he blacks out. Part of me did it because I was angry at myself for what I fucking said to Alice.

"Knock it off," Rick intervenes.

Kuzma and Butcher restrain me before Rick joins him on the floor. "I should hang you up like a piece of meat by your own hook arm. You think I'm going to fucking let your people disrespect mine? In case you forgot-"

"Negan, we didn't forget. Though the favor becomes null and void when we're constantly reminded of it. Look, I'm not too happy with Eugene right now, but he's grieving. One of the people Alpha decapitated was his wife. She was expecting a child. His anger is misplaced."

"Lucille is going to be misplaced alright. Misplaced right across your-" I notice Alice before she disappears down the steps and move out of Kuzma and Butcher's grip to chase after her. If Eugene fucking knows what's good for him, he won't wake up until after this storm passes. "Alice," I call, hurrying down the basement steps before I lose her.

"Sir," Carson calls.

"Not now! Alice," I shout. She tries to shut the door to our temporary room, but it's not exactly a fair contest. "Hey, talk to me."

"I want to be alone."

"Yeah, well, I want you against the wall and my face full of titties, but we don't have the time for that right now."

"Exactly. The time constraint. Yet, here I am displaying emotion like a child."

"Alice, I told you that having emotion makes you a human being." I scoop her hand up, pressing my lips to it.

"Stop. I do not require your pity."

"It ain't fucking pity, Alice. It's called compassion."

"I dislike your compassion."

"You are so fucking stubborn sometimes."

"Maybe I am."

"Look, fuck Eugene."

"You used rather excessive force."

"He fucking deserved it. Rick, too."

"The words that left your mouth as you insulted Rick's prosthetic were cruel. Negan, what if that were me?"

I sigh heavily. "I know," I pout. "It was a little funny though."

She snaps me a glare.

"Heh."

"I suppose I'll have ample time to work on writing with my left hand while the storm passes."

"I need to finish boarding up weak spots, but maybe you could jerk me off later with that hand if you need practice using it."

"That would be agreeable," she smiles.

Fuck yes.

* * *

We lost power ten minutes into the storm yesterday. It's the worst hurricane I have ever been in. I worry about Vasquez constantly, but he's not showing any signs of giving up. Other than our scuffle when they first arrived, my men and Rick's are civil to each other. Instead of staying in the assigned rooms, most people gathered in the large area where we had put a few ping pong tables. As night falls, the noises from the storm intensify. Every so often, another window is compromised due to debris. Sanctuary is good to us, and the steel holds well. I used to scoff at the idea of a factory. It's miserable in the summer and freezing fucking cold in the winter, but I've never felt safer as she takes a beating from the wind.

"Hey," Carl says, having a seat next to me at one of the tables.

"What are you so bent out of shape for?"

"My girlfriend Lydia is at the Hilltop. I'm worried about her."

"Girlfriend, huh?"

"Keep your voice down. A lot of people hate her."

"Fuck what they think."

"It's not that easy because it's Alpha's daughter. People want to use her as leverage. She wasn't safe in Alexandria."

"You think you can trust her?"

"The Whisperers are fucked up. They rape their own women, Negan. She got out and away from all that."

I narrow my eyes in disgust. "Alpha allowed that to happen to her own daughter?"

"Yeah, it's disgusting. And now they want to send her back to that! My dad doesn't want to fight the Whisperers, but I think we should. I know some other people who would be willing to fight. We can take them out together."

"Settle down, kid. You don't kill people you don't fucking know. Still, this new found information doesn't exactly sit well with me."

"That's why we have to kill them. Having Lydia is an advantage."

"Well, we can't exactly go fight them right now, can we? Shit, you hear that fucking storm? We might not have to."

"Yeah. I guess. You know, I didn't expect you to let us stay here."

"Damn, help me off the cross here. I mean, what do you want from me?"

"I just mean since my dad made it so clear he'd rather see you die than spare medical supplies."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

Carl seems just as confused.

"Kid, you're fucking strange. Like I'm going to just let all you fuckers drown."

"Alice didn't tell you, did she? No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't want you to have any more ill feelings towards my dad."

"Tell me what?"

"Alice came to Alexandria when you were in the coma. We had the equipment to save you, but my dad told her no. She told him you would die, but he didn't care. I knew his decision was wrong. Just like his decision not to fight the Whisperers."

Carl continues to try and convince me we should fight these puppet fucks, but I stop listening. Instead, my eyes lock on Rick's door as I sit in that chair and fester. Whatever storm is going on outside is nothing compared to the hell I'm about to bring Rick Grimes. Lucille is going to sit this one out. I'm going to kill this motherfucker with my bare hands. Once everyone is asleep, I start for Rick to end his worthless existence. The logic that tells me this is a bad motherfucking idea is silenced. I stand over Rick and cock my head.

He's vulnerable, huddled close to Andrea.

I push my eyebrows together when I see her fist knotting some of his shirt. Just like my Alice does to me. I realize the point of all this has nothing to do with the feud between Rick Grimes and me. This is about Alice. The note. Her giving me blood. Everything she has done for me. For us. I pick Alice up and take her to our bed in my room. Lightning, hail, wind, I don't give a fuck.

"This is unsafe," she responds.

I stretch across her, pressing my lips to hers after I light the oil lamp.

"In bed?"

This is the only way I know how to show her how much she fucking means to me. For me to break my biggest rule. To give myself to her completely without any restrictions. I shake my head yes, sweeping my tongue against hers. What was once shyly returned is now something she often tries to take control of.

Her teeth tug on my bottom lip.

Well played, but I've got something even better as I work my lips down her slender torso. I know she's expecting me to stop, but I don't want any rules between us any longer. And that includes breaking one of hers. I run my fingers over her smooth slit as her hips inch up with a moan. "Mmm, I like that," I grin, easing one into her tight cunt.

"Oh!"

Oh in-fucking-deed. Goddamn! Fuck me, I'm about to get slapped and I don't give a shit. I drag my tongue up her sensitive skin.

"Negan, no!"

I curl my hand around her thigh, yanking her back against my lips with a laugh. At least when she kills me, I'll be a very happy fuck. Maybe it's because of my thick finger, or my eager tongue, but I'm not met with a single opposition. Instead, her fingers latch onto the sides of my head, guiding me as if I don't know how to use my mouth. God fucking forbid she's not in control of something. I take both of her wrists, mindful of her right hand, and pin them against the bed. Holy fuckedy this is hot!

She's helpless to move.

For a moment there, I worry that she'll have some kind of flashback but it's just some impatient whine for me to get the fuck on with it. "Maybe if you fucking behaved I wouldn't have to hold your wrists right now and could use my fingers for other things."

"Maybe if you'd use your mouth for something other than speaking, I wouldn't need your fingers."

"Fuck you."

"I'm waiting."

"God, I fucking love you, my arrogant fuck."

Before she can retort, it's a moan that leaves her lips instead. "Negan!"

Even sweeter than my name is the sound of her finding her release against my mouth. Another first I'll gladly claim from this woman. "Get on your knees." As I get to mine, I slide between her pouty lips, taking in a deep breath. Fuck, fuck. "That little mouth is so fucking good." I hold myself by the hilt, smirking as her tongue runs along my balls.

She smacks me on the hip. "Don't insult me by pleasuring yourself while I tend to other areas."

I almost laugh. She's not quite there with her dirty talk, but it still gets me hard. "What," I smirk, working my hand up and down.

Her eyes gravitate towards mine.

I know what that look means. "Yeah, fucking assist me," I exhale, gritting my teeth.

Alice circles her tongue around my sensitive head.

Fuck, it feels good. It's so fucking hot knowing how turned on she is watching me stroke it, even helping me out. "Show me how turned on you are."

She lays back on the bed, parting her legs for me.

Watching her fingers dip down between her legs as she moans in pleasure drives me fucking insane. "Keep touching yourself." I barely ease inside her, just giving her the tip. Oh, she fucking likes that and her fingers circle faster. I thrust hard inside her as those perky tits bounce. Fuck me, I could shoot my load right so far fucking inside her. "Get on your knees and grab the bedpost." I bury into her with one swift motion.

She pushes back, using the bedpost as leverage.

"Fuck that cock, you filthy fuck." I'm not even doing the work anymore. Just holding her by this perfect heart shaped ass as it grinds against me. I'd love to stick my finger right in that forbidden heat and slowly circle my thumb around it.

Her big eyes fill with concern as she looks over her shoulder at me.

My lip curls up devilishly. Judging by that look, I won't press my luck and give her a sharp swat on her ass instead. "Did I say stop fucking me?"

She moans deepening her thrusts.

I run my hands up her curves and over those perfect little tits. "Yeah, fuck," I moan in her ear for a job well done.

Alice reaches behind me as her nails dig into the back of my neck.

"Shit! Calm the fuck down, woman." It's a good thing that was with her left hand. She might have drawn blood otherwise. Not that I would have minded. "Come back," I pout when she turns around.

Her lips move up my stomach until it's her tongue against my chest.

I give her an amused laugh.

She shoves me back, only because I let her. "Had your fun?"

"Had?" I swallow hard.

Alice mounts me, choosing to steady herself by my throat before coming down on me hard.

I moan, spreading my fingers out against the sheets. Now she's going to make me regret all the times I didn't take her to bed. "Harder."

That tiny hand grips my neck as she uses the weight of her body to help choke me.

Fucking Christ, yes. I love having my air supply cut off. Her hips push back against mine and each time I get some little whimper. It's fucking hot up here, but the way her damp skin looks from the flame of the oil lamp is so goddamn flawless. I love watching her want more so I put her on her back because now it's my turn. I growl, pinning her wrists to the bed. My teeth nip at her collarbone, then her neck. "I'm going to fuck you so-"

"Get on with it." Alice lets out a long moan as I ease into her.

It feels so fucking good in bed because I don't have to worry about holding her up, or my leg in some weird fucking position. I also have this incredible view of her tits with each thrust. There's a twisted sick part of me that wishes she was in her heels so they'd be digging into my hips, but I'll take that hand latched onto my nape instead. I love how responsive she is, moving upward to take all of me. My stomach tightens. I'm ready to fucking explode. "Shit!"

"It's alright," Alice tells me, placing her hand on my hips so I don't pull out of her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Fucking fuck me! I have fantasized about shooting my load inside her for five goddamn years now, and pull in a lung full of air.

"Negan," Alice cries with a sharp gasp.

I fucking told her this shit would feel good but I'll be right later and slam my eyes shut. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I've never heard her this responsive until… "Oh my fucking god, fuck!" She comes hard around me, and I can't hold back any longer. I explode deep inside her with a slew of profanity. "Shit," I grunt, slamming against her once more before stilling my hips. I wipe the beaded sweat on my forehead with the crook of my elbow before collapsing next to her. "Goddamn, that fucking… yes."

The euphoric daze on her face reserved just for me gets my dick so hard and I'm ready to go again. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but if there was any possible way I could fuck this woman again, I'd be inside her.

"That was inconceivable."

"Seriously? Another word other than good?" I must be fucking dreaming because not only do I get a fuck compliment, but she moves beside me, her head laying on my chest.

"Is this something you'd be willing to do again?"

"I think if I come that well again my heart will explode."

"The heart cannot explode. I think the term you're looking for is a myocardial-"

"You know what I mean, you fucking nerd."

"Are you avoiding my question about intercourse in bed?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Do we have to talk about that shit right fucking now?"

"What I'm asking is if you're alright."

"Well, look at that? She does speak English." I keep her in place when she tries to get up. "Yes. I'm alright." I want to talk to her about the letter and all that shit that went down with Prick but I decide to keep that bit to myself. When Alice touches her hand to my chest, it chokes me up. I scoot some of the bandage over to get a better look. The bone and tendons exposed on top of her hand scare the fucking shit out of me. How in the fuck is that shit supposed to heal? "Are you in pain?"

"The pain is constant."

What were once well-groomed nails are either split in half or completely missing if she even has that part of her finger. I roll over, laying my head on her chest. The image of her hand is just upsetting my stomach. "I'm sorry that I can't do anything for your hand."

"We should return to the basement."

Guess I shouldn't pressure the issue anymore. As she tries to sit up, I use some of my weight to keep her in place.

"Negan."

"I ain't moving from this spot."

"It's unsafe."

"Don't care. If I'm gonna die, I'm ready. Just blew my load and I'm face first in titties." Maybe I wouldn't be saying that if the storm wasn't starting to die down. In the morning, we should be getting back to normal. The cleanup will be exhausting, but I'm grateful everyone is alive and safe. Vasquez is still unconscious, but he's alright for the time being. For however fucking long that will be.

* * *

I narrow my eyes at Alice and Andrea. The two have been talking most of the morning. "What the fuck are those two clucking about?"

"I don't know. I was told to leave," Rick responds.

"You look more pathetic than usual."

"I'm worried about the Hilltop. I asked Maggie to come with us, well, you know how that went."

"Carl said that Lydia is there."

"It was the safest option. A lot of the people want her blood."

"She's just a child. That doesn't sit fucking right with me, especially sending her back after what she's gone through. Forcing a woman against her will is unforgivable. The Whisperers might as well be seen as the dead. Carl said you don't want to fight them, but they need to be stopped."

"I can't lead another war in my condition. No thanks to you."

"Motherfucker, you slit my goddamn throat open and you don't hear me crying."

"Enough. I am handling things. There's no cause for war."

"Not that I don't love having you fucks here, but maybe it's time you're on your way."

"You took the words from my mouth."

I roll my eyes so goddamn hard and start for the front doors to survey the damage. We're lucky. There's not an undead in sight, and all the vehicles are still turned upright. There are several spots on Sanctuary that will need to be fixed, but it's nothing Finn, Marshall, and myself can't handle. The broken windows will just have to stay boarded up. Our fence is twisted and mangled, but the guard tower stayed completely untouched. Limbs and leaves litter the courtyard, but the uprooted trees will actually work to our advantage until we can get the fence back up. We'll cut up the trees after and have extra wood. Speaking of that, my call to clear the woodshed was a wise one because the shed is completely gone. I'm pretty fucking relieved because that storm was no joke. Everything is so fucking flooded. Rick and his men are going to have a hard time getting back with that horse and buggy. I'd offer him help, but I really don't give a shit. I notice Carl lingering behind. "Why are you still here? I figured you'd be the first one out the door."

"Negan, will you come with us?"

"Sorry, I don't think I heard you right."

"Don't make me beg because it won't happen."

"Why do you want me to come back to Alexandria?"

"Not to Alexandria. To the Hilltop. That's where we're headed to check on the others.

"What do you need me for?"

"I want Lydia to come back to Sanctuary. Andrea already talked to Alice and Alice agreed to look after her."

Oh, that's what they were talking about.

"I know she'll be safe here. The fewer people that know, the better. So, I'm asking you, can you help me?"

"I don't know. Can I?"

"Goddammit, Negan."

"Jesus, kid. Lighten the shit up or you're going to end up a miserable fuck like your dad. Let me get my men and we'll follow behind you."

"If anyone asks, you're coming to help. I don't want people to know that you have Lydia."

"Coming to help? Just out of the goodness of my heart?"

"Andrea will take care of everything with my dad. Just stay away from Maggie and get Lydia to safety. I'll come for her once the Whisperers are dead."

You know, I admire the fuck out of this kid because I would have done the same for Alice, or for any of my Saviors for that matter. How fucking pathetic that Carl can't trust his own people to keep her safe. Especially, after what that poor Lydia girl has been through. "Yeah, I suppose."

"Thanks. I'll be in the truck."

The little fucker is wasting no time. I have my men load up some of the medical supplies and a few other things before we leave. "Alice," I call.

"Are you leaving for the Hilltop?"

"Yeah. Delegate shit for everyone to do, alright? Take care of things here while I'm gone."

"Carl has-"

"I know what Carl asked. I will bring Lydia back."

"Negan-"

"Alice, you stay here and I goddamn mean it. Do not make me say what we both already know."

She frowns at her hand before lowering it to her side.

"Put this place back together while we're at the Hilltop. Solar panels are priority number one for Vasquez."

"Yes, Sir," Alice replies robotically.

There is no telling what we're walking into, and while I have always preferred Alice at my side I know she can't protect herself any longer. "Saviors, we're leaving!" For a moment, I think this is the one decision I've made where no one is going to give me shit about helping the other community but Dwight fucking proves me wrong. "What's that scowl for?" I set Lucille by my feet in the truck.

"We're taking all the men from Sanctuary to go help the Hilltop."

"We don't have that much to clean up at Sanctuary. They're going to be fine."

"You came to this decision to help the Hilltop yourself. Without asking how we felt."

"The last time I asked for everyone's opinion an innocent man would have fucking died because of a _what if_ situation that never even happened. I don't have to justify my actions to you, Dwight. Remember your fucking place. If you don't like it, stay the fuck behind with Rick and the others when we leave the Hilltop."

"You're helping a group that wants you dead. Just remember that when they stick a knife in your back."

"Dwight, I don't know where the fuck you get off talking to me like I'm some chinless wonder fuck. You think I give a fucking fuck what that group of pussies thinks of me? I have my reasons, and we're going. That is fucking final. Shut up and put your foot on the gas, or I might just have the first motherfucker for our fence when it goes up." Where does he get off sometimes? I should have left him behind so I don't have to hear his fucking politics. Getting to the Hilltop would be damn near impossible if we didn't weld the cowcatcher on the front of this truck. It pisses me off we lost the other truck because the cocksuckers that took Alice wrecked it. "Isn't this the spot?"

"I thought this was the spot."

There's no doubt in my mind that their fences will be down, but where is this motherfucker? It's kinda hard to miss the water tower or huge building in the middle of it.

"Negan, look!" Dwight slams on the breaks as I go flying into the dashboard.

"Goddammit, fuck!"

"Should have worn your seatbelt," Kid tells me.

"Maybe if Dwight would learn how to fucking come to a stop, I wouldn't-" My eyes widen as I stare straight ahead out the front windshield at the Hilltop in horror. "Holy shitting fuck."

* * *

**A/N I'll have another update on the 21st when Stigmatic is 2 years old! I've never been in a hurricane so a special thank you to DragonRacer for all the notes about hurricanes! I wrote a short fic with Alice and Charli called Haematic if you want to check it out. As well as Phlegmatic and Enigmatic.**


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N Today marks two years since I've posted Stigmatic. Yay. Actually, that's rather pathetic if I think about it. Two years and I still can't get my act together. Anyway.** **Warning. These next few chapters will depict scenes of extreme graphic violence that may be disturbing to read. Even though I will be using the Whisperers in this chapter, this fight scene isn't canon with the comic.**

* * *

Undead have swallowed up what was once the Hilltop. I'm not even confident that there's anyone left, but something in me feels compelled to try. Even for ungrateful fucks like these. I know it's what Alice would want.

"Negan," Kid shrills.

"I know! Split up, try to thin them out!" You have to roll down the windows to try to kill the undead just to be able to open the doors because the dead have swarmed the truck.

Kid is small enough she can climb out the window and on top of the truck so she can start thinning the herd that way.

I have complete confidence in my men to be able to hold their own. My doubts lie in whether or not this is all in vain. Is there even anyone left alive at the Hilltop? Especially with their walls down. We can hear the screams from down the path, but we can't get to them fast enough.

Kuzma looks down at me and nods before whistling for Dog.

"Alright, you big fuck."

He pats the top of my head. "Small fuck."

Well, one thing is for certain. If this herd doesn't kill me, Alice will for teaching Kuzma fuck. "Kid, Butcher, King, come with us. Dwight, Marshall, Connor, Banks, Hawkes, Lee, Seth, take the left flank." Part of me wanted to laugh in Dwight's face for chastising me when I took all the men from Sanctuary. That if I didn't bring with us, we certainly wouldn't be coming back home. Even though there are times when I feel like we've been through some shit, we've been lucky that we're not always fighting for our lives. It makes me proud to see my men come together and be able to work so fluidly.

Dog retrieves Butcher's knives and Kid's arrows.

Kuzma always knows when one of the undead fucks manages to sneak up on someone.

King with that smirk on his face, encouraging positivity in us.

We all just know what needs to be done, and we're good at what we do. This is why we're the Saviors. When I started this system of collecting from communities, my intentions were to be the ones that would protect the others. In return, we'd be rewarded generously because we're the ones with our asses on the line. In fact, it's not different now than it was back then. Still protecting people that want to see us dead. Still getting the shit end of the deal. As we start to close in on the Hilltop, undead thin and human life becomes more frequent. Maybe they're not all dead after all. It angers me when I see a lot of their men searching for their loved ones, rather than trying to control the dead. Especially, when I start tripping over people who have collapsed to the earth in some kind of mental breakdown. "Move the fuck out of the way!"

"Have you seen Ted," she cries.

"No, but I have a feeling you're going to be seeing him sooner than you think if you don't fucking move!" I grab her by the back of the shirt and hurl her towards the break in the path of undead. "Get her fucking out of here," I yell at anyone who will listen. When Dog whimpers, I turn to stone. I can take a lot of shit, but I don't want to see the undead ripping apart an animal. Thankfully, the small vest saves him and I swing Lucille at the undead trying to gnaw through it. I hear another cry, but it's not Dog. Instead, it's a small child about to become a kid's meal. There's no way to get to the boy except by putting myself in harm's way. It's fucking stupid to risk my life, but I couldn't live mine knowing I just let the undead kill the child. I pick up this giant piece of fencing and run towards the undead, shoving the metal out so it folds over on top of them. When I trample over it, I know I only have a matter of seconds to pull this child from the trench before they rise to their feet. Getting to the child is the easy part. It's fighting our way out. His cries are distracting because I'm not sure if they're because an undead has got to him or he's just scared. Meanwhile, I'm trying to fight as many of these meat puppets off as I can as fast as I can. When an undead's jaw unhinges and locks onto my arm, I've never been more thankful for the thick worn leather that protects me. I drive my arm back, dislocating this fucker's mouth. The ground is so fucking saturated from the rain that I end up losing a goddamn boot which might have saved my life when one of those stupid fucks thinks it's its next meal. When the last one threatening our lives finally goes down, I accidentally fling the blood from Lucille towards the child. I'm quick to scoop him up and check him over to make sure none got in his mouth or his eyes. I use some of my shirt to clean his face. "Could have used your help there instead of you sitting on your ass."

He doesn't find it that funny and continues to cry.

Shit, I'm as awkward now as Alice around the little fucker. This kid is a snot-nosed mess which gets all on the shoulder of my jacket when he lays his head on it. Disgusting.

His small fingers cling to my shirt.

I don't know why this is such a trigger for me to let my guard down. Perhaps, it's just because it's a single sign to show a human being at its most vulnerable. I despise weakness, but there's something innocent about weakness like this. I guess it's because protecting the weak is the whole fucking basis for civilization. If you're not protecting the weak, you're not civilized. You're fucking animals. Monsters.

"Hershel," a woman screams.

I remember that scream vividly. It was right after the Asian kid screamed Maggie.

_No! No, please!_

The child is Glenn and Maggie's son. I pass him off to her, kicking one of the undead back some before I raise Lucille and split open its skull. I won't even point out all the parallels here.

She won't admit them, either.

There's a brief moment that our eyes lock and then she hurries back up the path. Frankly, I really don't give a fuck what she's thinking because in their eyes I will always be damned. I could have died saving that child and it still won't be enough for them. It will **never** be enough. So here I stand. Some bloody snotty muddy mess. And for what? At least I have my boot back now. I'm fucking exhausted and feel it in every part of my body. My men finish off the few undead that is left. Normally, we'd burn the bodies. There's just too goddamn many of them. The soil is tainted by the blood. Even the once triumphant housing structure that stood in the middle of the Hilltop has seen better days. Almost all of the windows are broken and there are parts of the roof that look like they were never built in the first place. The Hilltop is uninhabitable. Not that I would ever expect these people or the people of Alexandria to all live happily ever fucking after under one roof with us, but the condition of Alexandria after that hurricane is still unknown. I could extend the invitation to have them all live in Sanctuary, but it's clear that is not an option and it's because of their arrogance. I did my fucking time in that jail. I saved Alexandria from the men that attacked them. I gave shelter to Rick's people. I've given these people here another day to live. But like my thoughts previously, it will never be enough for these people. Now, where's that Lydia girl so we can get the fuck out of here?

"Negan, are we going to burn the bodies?"

Sometimes I just want to punch Dwight in the fucking face for being so goddamn dense. "You are one dumb son of a bitch, Dwight. I bet if I told you a jackass could pull a freight train, you'd start looking for a harness." His blank expression proves my point, and I hit him with my shoulder as I pass by. "Carl," I shout.

"Hey, my dad needs to talk to you."

"I ain't here for a pow wow, kid. Get me the girl so we can go."

"I can't find her, just go and I'll meet up with you in a bit."

Just one fuck show after another.

…

Meeting in this room of motherfuckers only heightens my awareness of how outnumbered Marshall and I are.

Maggie and Rick are arguing about how they want to handle this Whisperer situation.

I can't help but glare at this oil painting of Le Rêve by Picasso above this desk. The woman is leaning back rubbing one out. Her tit is hanging out but that's the least of her concerns because her face looks like it's got a dick on it. Now, I know what you're thinking. How the fuck do I know anything about art? Well, it just so happens this particular painting was one of Lucille's favorites. The painting is a depiction of Picasso's twenty-two-year-old mistress. I want it, and pull it from the wall. "Put it in the truck," I order Marshall.

"This isn't an art gallery, Negan. We're trying to-"

"No, we're not trying to do fuck all," I interrupt Maggie. "I'm standing here listening to you two bitch about how things should be done. Remind me again why I'm here? And what's that smell? We having a potluck I didn't know about?" I'm given glares and sighs. "Whatever, motherfuckers. I know what I smell." When Marshall suddenly appears in the room, I can't help but wonder how he got that painting in the truck so fast.

"The house is on fire," he informs us.

We scatter like roaches when the light comes on all trying to figure out our own course of action. Mine isn't running out the front door like an idiot. This house wouldn't spontaneously catch on fire. It's those Whisperer fucks that have come to take us out while we're most vulnerable. Hell, it's what I'd do.

"It's the Whisperer's," I hear Rick tell Maggie.

I swear I constantly feel like I'm in a league of my own. These people would have been dead twice over if not for me. Once we're outside, there are people attempting to put the fire out with well water. This isn't the main attack. It's to lure us out into the open so that-

A flaming arrow is launched right into the forehead of one of the Hilltop guards, and one in Rick's leg.

I yank the arrow from Rick before taking him by the back of his jacket to get him to safety when there are more arrows shot our way. "Allow me to point out the irony of me saving your ass while all your men ran like a bunch of pussies."

"And you practically broke my leg again," he grunts, holding his calf.

Give me a goddamn break. "Your leg was bleeding before I even touched you."

"Rick," Andrea panics, kneeling beside him. "Hold his leg for a second."

"This ain't the type of threesome I had in mind."

"Negan, just do it! He's losing too much blood!"

I yank off his belt, tying it around his leg. "There that's gonna have to do. Stay here if you're not able to fight. I ain't carrying your ass again." I gather up Lucille and start for my men. These Whisperer fucks don't really have the numbers to take us out, but they don't need it because it's the fire that's going to trap and kill us. "Leave the fucking house to burn. Start clearing us a path," I order these people. The danger that the whisperers pose come when you think you've got an undead but it turns out to be one of them and they try and shank you. It only fuels my hatred even more because I can't stand fucking cowards. These fucks blending in with the undead only to ambush you. What a shit load of fuck and it only makes breaking their jaws with Lucille even more satisfying when they cry out in pain.

"No," some woman screams.

I almost drop Lucille started and turn to see what she's screaming at. In fact, this time Lucille fumbles in my hand at the horror displayed in front of us.

One of the Whisperer's decapitate a child in the center of Hilltop.

Eugene is next to me and lunges for the Whisperer as he shouts the name Alpha.

I yank him back by that god awful ponytail because he's fucking stupid if he thinks he's going to get his revenge on Alpha with a gun that, clearly, is out of ammunition. I shove the gun upward towards his face. "I thought you were one of those smart motherfuckers? The goddamn thing isn't even loaded. Go help Rick get to safety, and send someone useful like that sniper bitch out here to help us." Jesus Christ, the grass is littered with death. Not only do I have to worry about the ones that are alive, and sorta alive, but the ones that have fallen and are now reanimating into more undead fucks. I'm not sure how many undead lie beyond those trees, but if we don't get the ones under control now we're not going to live to find out. The sound might draw the attention of the ones in the trees, but we have no choice. Especially with more undead the Whisperers have brought with them. "Open fire on these Russian nesting dolls!"

"Little low in that department," Marshall informs me.

Of fucking course we are. God, I could use that brain of Cosworth's right now.

"Allow me," Hawkes says, getting into position.

Alpha comes up behind Hawkes and barely misses his side.

"Grenade," Marshall shouts as we all dive to get out of the way.

I'm scarred for life when it comes to fucking grenades because all I can think about are the Syndicate. However, it's one of those Hilltop fucks thinking they're trying to help. Jesus Christ, like we don't have enough problems without friendly fucking fire on. Where did that bitch go? "Stick together," I tell my men. In fact, I want a head count. I don't need one of them dragged back into the woods and tortured because these motherfuckers do not value life. That was made clear the moment Carl told me what the men do to their women. And a young girl at that. My second wind comes strong when I think about how I'm surrounded by rapists. Lucille would kick my ass if I don't let her join, but I want to look right into their eyes and watch the life fade from them as I stick them with my knife. I secure Lucille safely to Hawkes' backpack before I set out to find as many of these Whisperer fucks that I can to bloody my knife. Each time it pierces their flesh, I think about all the women throughout my life that were raped at the hands of some vile fuck like this.

I think about Drew, Clara, Lily, and Hannah when I pulled them from that bunker underground and how grown men sold them for money and trade.

I think about Tara and the men I couldn't protect her from.

I think about Carl's girlfriend Lydia, and how she was told she had no other choice.

I think about Charli and those men that forced themselves repeatedly on her and Alice.

I think about Lucille and the final moments as she screamed under Leon.

I think about Alice and her empty eyes from the egregious things Vic did to her.

Whether society rebuilds or not, as a man, I cannot allow these kinds of things to happen. There needs to be certain death for anyone that takes advantage of our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, and girlfriends. I look like a fucking maniac covered in the blood of these men. It drips from my face, clothing, arms, and knife. It's a cleansing.

It disturbs even Connor. "Negan, you good?"

I don't have to look back to know the number of lives I've taken. It's seventeen of those rapists. "I am now." When I see Alpha in range, I seize Lucille and get ready. Lucille drops to the ground as I hold my side. Fuck, I got overconfident, but truthfully, my adrenaline is so high right now I don't even feel it. I pull the knife out of my side and drive it right into their skull.

"I think it grazed you," Dwight tells me as if I'm overreacting about the fucking knife I just pulled out of my goddamn side. As I move towards Alpha, Banks comes over the hill.

He brings his machete back, severing Alpha's head clean off.

You can hear the unanimous sigh of relief. Nothing feels better than to watch that bitch hit the ground with a thud. Knowing all the people who had lost their lives because of her finally could be at peace.

Banks picks her head up off the ground, moving his eyes over to mine.

I already know what he's thinking, and you better goddamn believe that she's going at the front of our gates once we get them back up.

There's this moment where Banks looks completely at peace like he's thinking about Tara. Then he writhers in pain before he drops to his knees. A knife is pulled from his back by the Whisperer behind him.

"Banks," Hawkes shouts.

I hold him back by the arm as the Whisperer rises to his full height. Holy fucking fuck me. This giant fuck stands more than a head taller than me. Which makes him, at least, seven goddamn feet tall!

"No," he bellows, holding Alpha's head.

Hawkes unloads the clip in his gun as the giant uses several of his own as cover trying to get to safety.

I want that motherfucker and haul ass away from the Hilltop after him.

"Beta," I hear one of the Whisperers call the giant.

He stabs his own not with one knife but with two.

What a crazy fuck! I close my eyes when I hear one round fired in the distance and know that shot went in Banks so he won't turn. As I open them, my stomach is nearly sliced in half. I swing Lucille at Beta, hitting him in the arm.

His hand lurches outward, snatching my wrist and I'm taken to the ground.

"You're a fucking coward running away now that we've taken your leader out. You act all tough but you're a real fucking softy aren't you, Beta Mctwoknives? So soft you gotta thumb that shit in, am I right? Are you a thumber?"

"You will be silenced," Beta threatens. He shows me his knife once over before I'm flipped over on my stomach. He presses the blade to the back of my neck and slowly starts to drag it across my flesh. "You will make for a most interesting mask."

I can feel the blood seep out of my neck as he skins me alive.

"Don't worry. It will be all over soon. Just like going to sleep..."

As the knife fillets the skin open on my neck, I want to scream. The pain is indescribable. "You sick fuck!"

"Cease squirming. It makes for-" Beta grunts and is thrown to the ground.

I hold the back of my bloody neck, looking over my shoulder. "Vasquez?!"

Vasquez tries to break Beta's neck, but Beta's strength is like that of four men and even the big fuck that Vasquez is doesn't stand a chance. He's shoved to the side like a rag doll.

Beta moves backward to retreat into the wall of undead coming towards Vasquez and me.

"Come on," I yell, grabbing him by the vest.

"Get down, haus," Dalton shouts, as he and some of the others open up fire on the undead.

It's the men that I left back at Sanctuary fighting to keep us alive. Dalton, Joanna, Cosworth, Church, Grimm, Bryan, and Finn. I don't know what they're doing here, but I'm goddamn grateful. Most importantly, grateful to be beside this burly fuck Vasquez. "Have a nice sleep?"

He flip flops his hand a few times.

Wait a minute. None of these people know how to get to the Hilltop. In fact, most of them didn't even know before today that it existed. Which means one thing. "Where's Alice?!" Goddamn her!

"She's looking for Carl and Lydia," Bryan informs me.

"Find Beta. Do not let him get away," I order my men. My concern is these woods. We can't spread out and search them, so we go towards the Hilltop in hopes that we'll find the ones missing. I knife what Whisperers I can so they don't turn as I make my way up towards what was once the house but is now completely engulfed in flames. Everywhere you look something is on fire.

Andrea is helping Rick as he limps towards us.

"Do you want Harlan to take a look at that leg?"

"Please," Andrea answers for Rick knowing he's not doing well.

"You can load him up in one of the trucks." This is stupid on my part because I promised Carl that I would get Lydia to Sanctuary without people knowing. Still, I can put Lydia in another truck and stash her in the parlor until Rick and the others leave. The more familiar faces I see, the better I feel about our odds.

Vasquez and Hawkes are carrying Banks' body.

"I'm sorry," I tell them.

"He wasn't right without Tara. Not that it makes his death any easier, but he avenged her. This is what he would have wanted."

The closer we get to the house, the more I'm starting to worry. A lot of my Saviors have followed behind me in hopes we can get our hands on Beta for taking one of our own, but I want him for a different reason. Where is Alice? I'm so fucking relieved when I see Carl and Lydia but that relief is momentarily because Alice isn't with them. "Did you see Alice?"

"She was helping one of the others. Said she'd meet us at the truck."

"Fuck," I yell. The heat from the flames are unbearable to be this close, and we've almost searched every part of this place. Just more wounded and more dead. "Collect the weapons and anything useful as you see it," I instruct my men. Where were all these guns earlier?

Eugene is up ahead. Standing there completely frozen.

What the fuck is he looking at? Around the back of the house, I get my answer as to what has caused him to go comatose, and where Alice is.

Beta has his knife against her throat, waiting for this exact moment.

There's no hiding the panicked look on my face. The extreme concern I have for the one I love knowing that all he has to do is apply pressure and she's gone.

Except he's got something a little different in mind for her. Beta pins Alice to the ground, holding her arm. He raises his knife, then it comes down hard lopping her hand off.

" **Nooooo**!"

* * *

**A/N Reviews are always appreciated so I can make it to 217 of them! There are only a few chapters left!**


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N** **Warning. Negan is on one of his bacon hating tangents in this chapter. I know how you people get about your bacon.**

* * *

_**Alice is family. I will do everything I can to save her.** _

Cosworth is the first one to charge after Beta. That smart ass fucking brain of his has conjured up some kind of powder that starts to sear Beta's skin like he did for Eight.

_**No sense even trying. You got the best girl.** _

Marshall raises his machete in an eye for an eye, lopping both of Beta's hands off.

_**I love Alice, and I would die for her.** _

Bryan follows, picking up one of Beta's knives and sticking him right in the rib cage. That's when the sounds of Beta gasping for air begins as he drops to his knees.

_**Because I think of you like my mom.** _

Kid removes Beta's skin cap mask, throwing it to the side. Then she proceeds to make her own Beta skin cap.

_**You're a lucky man.** _

Butcher's knife comes down on one of Beta's arms, cutting deep enough where Butcher positions his boot as leverage on Beta and starts to tug on his arm until it comes off entirely. That's repeated on his other one.

_**Love Alice? Yes.** _

Kuzma is the last to go after Beta but the devastation alone he causes to Beta is more than all my other men put together. His knife goes in Beta's throat, then is yanked out and dropped to the earth. That's when Kuzma rips Beta's trachea right out ending his miserable worthless existence.

My men are literally ripping Beta apart, even when his heart stops. Which, after much difficulty, is taken from his chest, then thrusted in the air like a trophy by Kuzma.

You better goddamn fucking believe that I wanted a piece of Beta. I wanted to put him right beside Eight and torture the fuck out of both of them but I can't allow myself to lose control. Right now, Alice needs me more than my selfish need to fulfill gratification with revenge. As I get to my knees, I yank my belt off so I can use it to make some kind of tourniquet so this woman doesn't bleed out. "Dalton," I scream in a panic for some kind of medical help. It makes me regret all the times I spent staring at Nicole's ass rather than helping her study to become a doctor.

"Higher, haus," he instructs, inching up the belt.

I've never seen Alice lose composure like this, but she is inconsolable. "Saviors," I call as a warning that we are getting the fuck out of dodge. I run through what was once the Hilltop but is littered with bodies and undead reanimating. The ground is a saturated bloody mess.

Vasquez and Hawkes aren't far ahead of me as they carry Banks' corpse to the truck.

It's one of the many losses that I can't process at this moment. Alice feels so fucking heavy in my arms because I do not have much left to give. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to describe how weak I am after how unprepared I was for this fight. Unprepared. I didn't think that word existed in my vocabulary until today.

Alice's screams stop before we make it back to Sanctuary because she's slipped out of consciousness from the combination of blood loss and excruciating pain.

"Can we do some type of blood transfusion for her," Carl panics.

"Is it even going to help at this point?" Fuck, she's practically dead in my arms. I'm not giving up on her, but this woman has fought and fought these last few years. If it's her time, letting her slip away in her sleep is the most humane thing I can do.

"At least it was her bad hand that Beta cut off," Kid says after several minutes of silence.

It oddly puts me at ease. Makes me feel more optimistic that I'm not going to lose her. I mean, fuck, it's gotta be a good sign, right? "What's in that bloody sack, Kid?"

"I got that son of a bitch's face in it. Gonna put it on the front gate when we get it back up."

"You're serious," Carl squirms.

"Goddamn right I am," she murmurs.

"That is fucked up, love," Dalton laughs.

"He deserved it," Carl's girlfriend speaks. "He was a rapist and a murderer."

I like this Lydia girl already.

Marshall presses his foot all the way to the floor. "Debris from the hurricane. Hold on."

I steady myself with my hand to the roof and advise everyone else to do the same.

"I can't reach the roof," Kid panics, grabbing onto Dalton.

Sometimes, I don't really think the shit over that comes out of my mouth. Other times, people tend to take what comes out of my mouth as the fuck-all end-all. All the jostling around wakes Alice, and it's back to her agonizing screams. It's somewhat of a comfort because at least she's alive no matter how fucked up that logic is. When we finally get to what was once our front gates, I've never been more grateful to be at Sanctuary. I know I say that a lot, but I am really fucking grateful this time. "Butcher, Rick," I order when I see Andrea struggling to help him inside. The amount of blood on me makes me wonder how Alice is even alive but at least we're finally able to get aid.

"Don't go far, you." Nicole takes me by the arm. "You alright? Baby?"

Maybe it's a combination of the exhaustion and seeing Alice's hand once it's unraveled, but I don't remember hitting the floor until I wake back up again on it. "Shit fuck, my arm," I grumble. It's numb from passing out on it. Good, they found someone else to give her blood.

"This is beyond anything I've ever done," Nicole says.

Rick is actually rather helpful despite his condition and blood loss. He's able to give us some insight and help guide Nicole considering he went through the exact same thing with that politician fuck. Sometimes, the parallels between Rick and Alice are alarming. The cop uniform she wears, and the one he once had. Their handicap. Fuck, even down to their stoicism. "Why do I get the feeling I'm fucking Rick Grimes sometimes?" There goes my fucking mouth again.

"Shut up, Negan," the collective group replies.

"Fine," I mumble, folding my arms. Maybe I'm kinda fucking scared, and just looking for someone to talk to, but since when has anyone gave a fuck about my concern other than Alice? Goddammit, please pull through, Numbers. I'm not ready to be alone yet.

…

They stabilize her as she sleeps comfortably. At least, from what I can tell. Her face isn't scrunched up in pain anymore.

Rick seems to be feeling a lot better, too.

"Guess you'll be leaving now." Hopefully, he gets the hint.

"What's going through your mind right now?"

At first, I thought he was talking to Andrea, but we're the only two in here besides Nicole. The fuck? What's he asking me my feelings for? I'm gonna fuck with him. "You think Alice could borrow your hook sometime to jerk me off?"

Rick hobbles from the room after that.

I stick my head out the door as I shout down the walkway. "Well? I'd wash it before I gave it back. Does this mean you'll think about it?"

"Negan," Nicole calls. "Alice is waking up."

She blinks several times in an attempt to widen her drowsy eyes.

"How do you feel?" I touch her flushed cheek. "Alice?"

"You changed my attire."

I start to laugh, giving her a nod. "You told me if you're ever unable to I better do it."

"Excellent. Yes."

"How do you feel, you fucking nerd?"

"Ambivalent."

"Ambivalent?"

She seems self-conscious and covers up her bandaged hand with the blanket. "Before this, the pain was constant. I believe once this heals, the pain will deplete entirely. Still, my hand is gone. I know you see that as a sign of weakness, so my days of scavenging are finished."

"I don't see it as a sign of weakness. You not leaving these walls is because I worry about you. Don't listen to me when I give Rick shit about his hand, alright? That is me being an ignorant fuck trying to find any ammunition to ruffle his goddamn feathers. Is it right? No. Do I believe it? No."

"At least he severed my right hand."

"Kid said the same thing. I have to say I agree with that fucked up logic."

I'm moved to the side so Nicole can take her vitals. She tells us that Alice is going to be alright and she just needs time to heal. Thank fuck because I honestly don't know how much more bullshit I can take.

…

Earlier, I was optimistic about her recovery. Now, I'm just worried about her mental state. Alice stares sedated out of the infirmary window, but I know it's not because of the pain medication. After everything she has been through, is this going to be what breaks her? Christ, I think about that conversation we had when I told Rick that I was going to use his hook hand to hang him by, and the words that Alice spoke to me that day.

_I should hang you up like a piece of meat by your own hook arm. You think I'm going to fucking let your people disrespect mine?_

_The words that left your mouth as you insulted Rick's prosthetic were cruel. Negan, what if that were me?_

Christ, it's like she knew.

"I'd like to rest."

"Yeah, alright," I frown. I need to pay my respects to Hawkes and Vasquez after their loss anyhow, among several other things. One of Carl's concerns was everyone finding out about Lydia, so I hid her in the parlor until Rick's men packed up and left. Then I gave Carl and Lydia a room until Carl figured out what he wanted to do. I assign jobs for my men to do because Sanctuary is still in pretty bad shape from that hurricane. We actually gained a few people from the Hilltop that wanted to stay when Rick's men left, so I put them to work, too. To be honest, I'm wondering if we're just cleaning up something that's going to be destroyed by the Syndicate. I know our days are numbered until that fuckery ensues. "What? Come in," I shout at my door. "If it's bad news, Carl, it can fucking wait until I get some sleep."

"I just wanted to talk to you for a second. Did you really mean that about my dad? Or was that just to make Alice feel better?"

This motherfucker listening to my conversation. "No. Maybe? I don't know." I sigh heavily before taking a seat at the edge of my bed. "Kid," I groan, running my hands through my hair. "Look, I respect your dad in certain aspects. Not a lot of people could make the decisions he had to given the circumstances, but it doesn't negate the fact that this fucking rage boner he has is going to get him killed. Him and Maggie both. I mean, fuck, what do you people want from me? You know what, don't answer that. My point is, either get the fuck over it or go our separate ways but if it's going to be the latter let's all agree that those psychotic scalpel jockey's need to go first."

"I think things would be better if I were in charge."

"You don't have to be in charge for people to follow. When I met a lot of the original members, Dwight was in charge of the group. I didn't ask them to do things my way, they just did it. Because they knew that I would make the tough decisions when he couldn't." Carl never admits when what I've said sinks into that half blown out skull of his, but he doesn't take what I've said with a grain of salt like someone else I know. Fucking Prick Grimes.

"How's Alice?"

"Resting. Why don't you stop by tomorrow with Lydia? She'd like that." Thankfully, he takes the hint to leave, unlike his dad. I need some fucking sleep before I lose what little sanity I have left.

* * *

The morale of my men is dwindling. With every loss, they become stupid with revenge. Revenge that is going to end up taking more lives. I glance over the graves we have dug.

_**Tim** _

_**Lily** _

_**Arlo** _

_**Charli** _

_**Sherry** _

_**Tara** _

_**Banks** _

There are several others that gave their lives that I'll admit I didn't know. Men of Lee's or just people who have come and gone. Fuck, it's an actual graveyard. Something from the old world that always made me uncomfortable since I put my mom in one. I don't want to put any more of my men in the ground though I guess it's inevitable. People died before the outbreak so it's foolish to think that this life will grant them some type of immunity.

"Hey."

I don't have to see him to know it's Bryan. The fucker's voice has always been pretty commanding. "Do you want me to leave you alone with Charli?"

"No, but I've come to ask you something."

I pause and wait for him to speak, but something doesn't seem right.

"Promise me that I go next to her."

"Stop."

"Just got a bad feeling is all."

"It's not necessarily a bad thing, just take it as a sign to be cognizant of everything around you."

"That sounds like something Alice would say," he chuckles.

"No, it'd be more like," my face deadpans, "Cognizant that danger is imminent."

"Yeah." Bryan squats down and touches the small rock on Charli's grave. "They really couldn't be any more different, huh?"

"They were good for each other and balanced each other out. I used to think that, too until I started something serious with Alice. Now I see how well we complement each other. I mean, fuck, can you imagine me with anyone other than Alice? Like some foul mouthed fuck that screams about dicks and would rather be naked. I'd probably strangle that bitch."

"If she didn't strangle you first," he laughs.

Good point. I really don't know how Alice puts up with my shit. Oh, right. She doesn't.

"I want you to know that I appreciate everything this group has done for me. I haven't had something like this since I was with NYFD."

Funny how I grew up wanting to be a fireman and he's comparing what we have to it. "You're a good asset, Bryan. Remember that." I shake his hand and give him some time with Charli. Alice should be able to leave the infirmary today. It'll be nice to have her by my side at night again.

* * *

Over the course of the next month, we rebuild our home. One night at dinner, Grimm announces that she and Kuzma are going to have a child. That smooth motherfucker. I knew he was banging her. I watch Alice interact with Kuzma. She's not awkward or uncomfortable and gives him a hug. Even better is how accepting Kid is of this new information, even rubbing Grimm's stomach and talking about how she's going to have a sister.

"Brother," Kuzma responds.

"No, Papa. A sister."

That fucks got his hands full. Glad it ain't me. Who would have thought someone could domesticate Grimm?

"What's on your mind?"

I shrug at Alice. "Every guy here is either a fuck fiend or a family fuck. I just feel caught in the middle. You know? It's either one extreme or another. I just wanna get fucked up and play some cards without someone leaving to chase after pussy, or crying about pussy that left them."

"I'll play cards with you."

I smirk, sinking my hands into my pockets. "I know you will, Numbers, but it's different with us."

"I understand. You require male camaraderie."

"Well, when you say it like that it makes me sound like some sorry fuck. Come lick my balls or something so I can get my dignity back."

"That sounds agreeable."

Goddamn, I never thought I'd see the day where she perks up at the thought of licking my sack.

* * *

The following month, Carson and Clara get married. For the record, weddings are boring as fuck. Alice nudges me in the side when I almost doze right off in the middle of it. We get another surprise at the reception when Connor decides to propose to Joanna. I'm going to give him so much shit for settling down. "God, when will this fuckception end," I groan, tilting back another drink.

"Do you want to dance?"

I don't even give Alice a response to that. She's probably busting my balls anyhow. We both seem equally miserable to be here. I knew I loved this woman. Not making me go through some bullshit like this to prove how much we care for each other.

"I'd like a cup of alcohol, too, please."

"Yeah, we should get fucking hammered."

"That sounds a lot more agreeable than this."

"I don't know. Doesn't seem so bad now that we're going to get shit faced together." I've only seen Alice drunk once, and it was under miserable circumstances.

"Yes. Cake and alcohol. Do you think they'll complement each other?"

"I'd suck bacon infused bourbon out of your ass if given the chance. Cake will work fine."

"Bacon infused bourbon sounds made up."

Of course,  **that's** what she takes from it. "You don't remember? Like right before shit fell to fuck, everything was bacon flavored this and bacon flavored that. If you think about it, I bet bacon caused the outbreak."

"Please elaborate."

"Think about it. Some smart fuck scientist cocksucker probably had this virus contained until some dumb motherfucker comes along thinking this meat puppet is wearing a suit of bacon."

"I am uncertain if eating the flesh of the undead will cause you to turn. I believe it's just the saliva."

"Well, it can't be good is all I'm fucking saying. Any-fucking-way, how'd we get from talking about sucking alcohol off your taint to a meat puppet buffet?"

"Consider the source."

"Fuck. You. Now drink up so it'll shut you up." I skim the room for someone that will get me a deck of cards, but I don't trust anyone enough with my keys.

Alice tugs on my sleeve of this fucking ridiculous white button down shirt. "I feel nothing."

"Gradually, not the entire fucking cup. Try it again. Slower." I swear, women think they can go hard until an hour later and they're passed the fuck out because they don't know how to pace themselves. "Hey, take that shit outside," I tell Marshall, waving the smoke away from Alice. "She's already going to have alcohol poisoning."

He takes one more drag before dropping what's left of it in his cup and having a seat. "When are we going to play some cards again?"

My ears perk up. "Now you're talking."

"Every time I try and organize something, someone has something to do that interferes with it. I mean, how much can you have to do in the apocalypse?"

"I'd ask those smart fuckers like Cosworth and Church, but I don't want to get my ass handed to me. Where is Church, anyway?"

"He's been going to Alexandria on his days off. Something about needing Jesus or something, I can't really recall much at the moment. I think they got a church there."

Both of us look at Alice when she lets out the smallest laugh. "What?"

Instead of an answer, I get an empty cup waved in my face.

"Slow down. I told you not to chug it all at once, goddammit."

"I let a considerable amount of time pass between each one."

"And I bet you took three fucking drinks."

"Yes, but I let a considerable amount of time pass between each one."

I point at Alice, turning my attention back to Marshall. "Do you see what I gotta fucking deal with?"

"If the woman wants another drink, get her another drink. Or I will," he smirks.

"Motherfucker," I grimace, getting up from my seat. "Keep your dick in your pants while I'm gone, Marshall." As I make my way to the bar, I'm reminded of Sherry and how she'd be sticking her nose in my business right about now on how much I've had to drink this evening. Amber seems to be falling into that role nowadays as she helps Cindy to the restroom. "Hold it right fucking there." I yank the cup from Kid's hand.

"But, it's for Papa."

"Oh, bullshit. I hardly doubt Kuzma would send you to fetch something for him. Try again."

"Well, I mean, it's only one cup."

"Look, I don't know how that shit works with kids. Like if it fucks up your growth or something. How about if you give it another year, at least."

"Damn. I thought you'd be the last person I'd have to sneak it by."

"I tell you what. Run it by Alice, and if she says yes, it's all yours."

She flashes me a mouthful of teeth. "I'll just wait until next year."

"Good fucking answer." I slide a soda across the table instead. When I get back to my seat, I notice slender pale arms wrap around Marshall and a redhead with curly hair and matching colored lip stick touch her lips to his ear.

"Bed," she whispers, followed by a giggle.

He runs his index finger slowly against her arm. "Patience."

"I've never seen that girl in my life," I comment after she's left, handing Alice her drink.

"She came from the Hilltop. Her name is Mandy."

"You gonna hold onto this one for a bit?"

"We'll see," he smirks.

"Yeah, you're right. This girl probably won't work out because I haven't been inside her. I know how much you love my sloppy seconds."

"I just figure it's fair to show them what being with a real man is like after you."

"Roasted," Alice giggles.

"Hey, whose fucking side are you on? And it's burn, not roasted, you fucking dork."

"Roast. To criticize or reprimand severely. Roasted. The past tense of roast." She turns over the empty cup despite me telling her not to chug that fuckery. "I'd like another glass of alcohol, please."

"No. When you start to recite the dictionary you've had enough." At least Marshall is smart enough to know when to get the hell out. And is this music ever going to stop? How many times can people dance to the same fucking four songs? Actually, maybe another drink isn't a bad idea. Something to mellow me fucking out.

...

This night only continues towards awkward. Some girl, yes, girl is flirting with me. Girl as in today is my eighteenth birthday girl. "No offense, but I'm old enough to be your dad."

"I can call you daddy if that's what you like."

I grimace with disgust and walk away but she doesn't take the hint.

"I wore this dress for you."

"I don't even fucking know you!"

Like some slow motion hell, her hand comes towards my chest only to be shoved to the side by Alice.

I moan as my eyes roll back in my head when her hand latches on tight to my cock. Alice has that look about her that even I won't fuck with and this girl is somewhat smart to hurry off when she's given it. I don't know whether to be scared or ruin these pants. "I'm so fucking hard right now." I love watching her claim what is hers.

"I'm aware."

I scan the room, licking my lips before they're against hers. "No one can see us over here unless they happen to walk by."

"Sit."

Who am I to disobey? I free my cock just in time before she straddles me and my length fills her entirely. "Fuck, this is so fucking hot."

Alice slowly licks up the side of my ear. "Lower your voice, or I will find my release without you."

"You wouldn't fucking dar-"

Her hand goes over my mouth.

Now we're talking.

Alice freezes then hides under the table when we hear boots scuff the floor.

Fuck! Fuck! I look up and see Butcher.

"There you are. Mind if I have a seat?"

"Uh." I clear my throat, scooting up to the table more. "Now isn't really a good time."

"It will only take a second."

"Oh," I moan when Alice takes me in her mouth.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm not quite sure what the fucking fuck is happening right now." I try and push Alice away by the shoulder, but she's putting up a fight.

"Too much to drink?"

"Way too," my voice squeaks, "much."

"Yeah, me too. I just got done finger blasting Molly under the table during one of the speeches. No one had a fucking clue. Though I say it like I don't do this shit sober."

"Fuck." I shut my heavy eyes, slowly opening them when he starts yapping again.

"No chick is more willing to fuck than one who watches another girl get married."

"You don't say." I should feel so fucking dirty about this entire thing. My little Alice mouth banging my cock while this clueless fuck drones on about his sexual conquest fingering a girl who probably would have gotten on the table in front of everyone and let him do it. When her tongue starts to trail my balls as she works her hand up and down, I knock a plate over on the floor. "You were saying," I try and distract him so he doesn't lean over to pick it up.

"You and Alice into that swinger shit like Connor and Joanna?"

"Alice is way too prude for that." I grunt in pain when she bites my foreskin. "No.  **We're**  not into it."

"It's kinda weird at first, but there's something about having-"

"Butcher, did you need something?" I run my hand down my mouth when she starts trying to take in as much of me as she can.

"Yeah, so I've been thinking about the Syndicate..."

God, fucking why? No, wait, this is good. With him blabbing away I can… fuck. Fuck, that feels so fucking good. That warm mouth, that tongue. Goddamn! Of all the things on my fucket list, being watched while getting head is never one I thought would be on it, but when we're joined by Joanna I'm certain this is definitely one of those.

"Hey, B," she smiles, kissing his cheek then him.

My eyebrow tugs upward. "I'm confused. Didn't Connor just propose?"

"So? Does that mean we have to stop having our fun? Besides, Connor doesn't mind as long as I come home to him. He's fucking Molly right now in the bathroom. It was getting me too horny so I had to leave."

That was more information than I feel comfortable with but as long as one of them talks, I don't have to. "Hrrr," I cough, slamming my eyes shut. Her tongue on my balls feels so fucking fuck I don't have words.

"How much did you have to drink, Negan?"

I moan to Butcher's question when Alice takes in as much of me as she can. My left foot starts to bounce like some fucking dog having his belly rubbed. Oh, fuck, it's happening. I rest my elbow on the table, putting my fist over my mouth.

"I'm glad we killed those Whisperer fucks."

"Yes. It feels… it's… incredible." My eyes roll backward momentarily. "That they're gone."

"Butcher," Joanna whines.

"Well, that's my cue," he grins. "You okay by yourself?"

I slam my hand against the table, shooting my load all inside that warm mouth of hers. "Fuck yes, fuck. Fucking yes!" I take in a deep breath, leaning back some in my chair. "I'm… okay." Shit! Oh my god! I think I'm temporarily blind from coming that fucking hard.

Joanna sets her hand on my shoulder, touching her lips to my ear. "You think I don't remember what it looks like when you come," she whispers, followed by a laugh. "Have a good night," she smirks.

When Alice's head emerges from under the table between my legs, all I can do is fucking laugh.

She licks her swollen lips with a giggle.

"I fucking love you." I grab her wrist, pulling her up so she can have a seat on my thigh.

This woman even stuffs my limp pathetic dick back into my pants for me.

I love how she looks at me right after she's taken a shot in the mouth. "What about you," I frown.

"There are other tables that you can return the favor."

"Yeah fucking right. I've seen your face when I'm face first in pink. Even for a stoic fuck like you you're all…" I give her my best O face. "Negan!"

"Do you have your keys?"

I pat my pocket, giving her a nod.

"Very well. Follow me."

Follow her fucking where? Oh, the supply closet. "Alice, I, uh. I'm having a little trouble in the getting it up department  **if**  you know what I mean."

"We're not here to have intercourse. Open." Once inside, Alice takes some black rope, and a pair of scissors then makes her way over to the shoes. Alice turns around with another pair of those red bottomed heels in her hand. "I've had my eye on these for two years. Deduct them from my points."

"This is how I'm returning the favor? Some fucking fetish rope and a pair of heels? And do I even want to know what the scissors are for?"

"The rope isn't for me. Come along now, lout."

"Oh," I perk up. I'm actually starting to sport a pretty nice chubby from the thought of her tying me up.

Once we're in the room, the rope is set on the bed with the scissors, then she turns on one foot to face me. "Undress me, then fetch me attire to my liking."

Yes, that fucking reminds me. I picked out this pink lace corset for her on a run one time. It's fancy as fuck and even has this pearl necklace fuckery hanging off the front of it. I got her the pink panties to match because I'm such a thoughtful fuck.

Her eyes light up in approval, and even more so when I tell her that I took the time to hand wash the shit for her because I know how anal she is. "This is lovely! Thank you for my gift, lout." Her hand runs up the fabric, then over the strung pearls pleased.

"At least I can use my perversion in a good way."

"I  **know** you will use your perversion in a good way. Follow me to the other side of the room." She scoops up the rope, too.

Something isn't quite adding up about this shit. She's not stumbling once in those tall ass heels, nor does she seem the least bit drunk. "I don't understand. How are you sober and shit?"

"That's easily achieved when one doesn't drink."

"You've been sober this entire time?"

"Yes. My apologies for deceiving you."

"Sucking me off in front of everyone?"

"Correct."

"Damn, that's fucking hot. You just couldn't get enough of my dick, huh?"

She eases down on what used to be my chair until I became such a submissive fuck. The rope is set on the small table beside her and her leg extends outward. "Don't make me ask what you know should be expected of you."

Well, so much for not getting it up because it's a full fucking denim boner. I drop to one knee, scooping up her foot. I run my fingers down her calf, kissing the top of her foot before changing out her heel with her knew one. This is repeated with her other foot.

"That's a good lout."

"You should reward me for being so fucking accommodating."

"I have something more suitable than a reward."

"What's more suitable than a reward?"

"You tied up for  **my**  pleasure."

"What?" I bust out laughing. "I thought you were just fucking with me about that rope."

"Shall we begin? On both knees."

"I'm not trying to be cruel, but how are you going to tie me up with one hand?"

"I am efficient in everything I do."

This I gotta fucking see. "I tell you what, go ahead and tie me up. If I get free, I'm sticking my dick so far up your ass. If I can't get free, then you can do whatever you want. Aside from sticking something in my ass."

Alice scoffs under her breath. "Foolish bet, but I will agree to it."

Fuck yes. I can't wait to stuff that tight little hole.

"Remove your shirt. Then, hands behind your back."

"You're pretty good at this shit. I didn't realize you were such a kinky fuck."

"You tied up is quite the incentive."

"It better have been a certain former wife of mine that showed you this, and not a certain undead looking fuck."

"I also should have asked him tips on restraining your mouth. Joking," she smirks. "Not about your restrained mouth though."

"Fucking hilarious."

It takes her the better part of half an hour but she finally inspects her work pleased. "You may try now."

"I fucking goddamn guarantee you I can get out of this, and when I do, are you going to fucking get it."

"Define get it."

"You fucking know, Alice. All of Sanctuary will know."

"Confident. Though, as am I you will not escape."

At first, I give her the benefit of the doubt. I thought, with everything, it'd make her feel good that she can still accomplish things one handed but then my struggles start to get uncomfortable. Has she really fucking pulled this off? I can't move my arms at all!

Alice returns back to her throne with one of the biggest grins I have ever seen.

Fuck. "Okay, haha. You had your fun. Untie me."

"Lower your eyes from me, lout."

"Alice, I said untie me."

She breaks whatever character this is for a moment. "If it's really your desire to be untied, I will. Is that truly what you want?"

"Will you stop anytime I want you to?"

"Yes."

"What are the scissors for?"

"Safety. In case I am unable to free you from the restraints."

"Does this really turn you on? Me helpless like this."

"Negan, you're seeing this in a negative light. You are the one that has the power, not me. If you want me to stop, what do you do?"

"...say the word."

"Yes. Obvious reasons aside, being restrained this way emphasizes your chest and shoulders more which is pleasing to me."

"Well… I  **do**  know how wet my deltoids get you." After several moments of silence, and not knowing if I'm in way over my fucking head, I tell her to keep going.

"Very well. Lower your eyes from me, lout."

They shift side to side before they sink. Every time I start to look up, I'm given a glare. What I don't realize is for every time I look up, the time starts over. Which, for the record, two minutes of complete fucking silence as I stare at the floor is a long fucking time of doing fuck all. I thought I was going to lose my mind.

"Crawl to me on your knees, lout."

I know I've come far enough when I run into her heel from her leg being extended outward. There's something about the way it feels. I love when the plastic digs into my flesh.

"Pleasure me, lout."

"Ow," I grunt when I try to lean forward and she pushes me back. "I thought you wanted me to-"

"Don't unhinge that mandible unless you are spoken to. Your purpose is to serve me, lout."

I turn my head, pressing my lips to the side of her heel. I guess this is what she wants.

"Yes," she moans, confirming my thoughts.

Fuck, this is hot! My dick is already straining against my zipper as I continue to work my lips over the top of her foot and to her ankle.

"No. Pleasure every inch of my heel."

Of all the fucking things that turn me on, mouth fucking plastic isn't one. Well, I thought that, until she starts circling her fingers in a fury between her legs as she watches me. "Oh, goddamn, fuck me."

"That comes later."

Shit! My tongue curls around the stiletto part as I lick all the way to the bottom and back up again.

"Good," she pants. "Higher."

I enjoy the taste of her skin as my tongue and lips trail up her inner right leg.

Alice gently eases her panties down her legs only enough until I'm able to remove them with my teeth.

Once I spit them on the floor, I start kissing up her left leg.

She scoots to the edge of the chair and parts her legs. "Don't be shy."

I ain't fucking shy. I'm just trying to figure out how not to topple over being restrained. It's uncomfortable, but I manage to end up face first in perfectly tight pink. Fuck, it's all so neatly fucking in place. And smooth, so fucking smooth. I inhale her scent before my nose traces up her sensitive skin.

"Yes."

I touch my lips to everything, even that little swollen pearl. My tongue sweeps up her slit, then back down before I ease it inside her.

Alice reaches between her legs, using her fingers to push her lips apart as I lick up the middle.

Occasionally, I like to trail my tongue against her fingers as a tease, but that's when I get a heel in my back. I know she's getting closer to her release when she starts moving against my face. Her body is so receptive to my mouth as little whimpers leave her full lips.

"Lout," she moans.

I kiss her inner thigh, looking up at her before my tongue starts flicking against her warm center.

"Yes!"

My fucking my, aren't we responsive? I remember a time when this was forbidden, but she is running all down my chin and my shoulders have impressions from her heels. Now for my favorite sound.

"Oh!" Her hand leaves between her legs and wraps around the back of my head.

I might just suffocate, but what a way to fucking go! Goddamn! Come against my mouth, you little stoic fuck!

"Enough," she orders.

As I sit back on my knees, I take in the sight of her spread eagle, wet, and flushed. It's so fucking hot. I want another taste so bad, but I'm denied that.

Alice stands up, pressing her heel to the chair and kicking it so it slides across the room.

I'm startled when she starts tugging at the button of my pants.

Once it slides from my jeans, she yanks the zipper down and my hard length springs free. She dips her hands between her legs, then coats me with her arousal.

My eyebrows scoot together as her hand works up and down on me. Wait a second. Is she going to… "Fuck," I cry. Alice has gotten on her knees and is starting to fuck me doggystyle. Oh, Christ, that wet heat taking all of me in feels so fucking good. Fuck. I watch that beautiful ass bounce with each thrust. I'm so fucking helpless to do anything but let this woman fuck me.

Alice stares back at me over her shoulder as she does it. Her eyes have the sultriest look as her top teeth sink into her bottom lip. The control is arousing to her as well. "Do you enjoy being helpless, lout?"

"Yes, I fucking love it."

She reaches between her legs and massages my balls.

I grunt when she lightly slaps them.

"Remember your place, lout."

"Yes, Alice."

"You're pathetic."

"I'm pathetic, Alice."

"You better stay hard for me, lout."

I am in way the fuck over my head. Jesus fucking Christ, this is the hottest thing I have ever fucking done and that says a lot because I've fucked more than one woman at the same time before! Fuck, oh fuck, I'm going to come and she's going to be fucking pissed. Okay, think about how boring that fuckception was before you shoot a warm load into her and she keeps you tied up the rest of the night as punishment. Good god, man, you really are fucking pathetic but I love being her little bitch. To not have to make a decision for once. I remember something similar to this back in my days with Lucille. There was a woman in the brothel called Domme. She used to pull this kinda shit and I'd feel bad that it got me hard but it was so fucking hot.

"You wouldn't be in your head now, would you, lout?" She slows down her thrusts which make it even harder not to come.

"Alice, please let me come."

She shakes her head side to side.

Fuck!

"You belong to me."

"I belong to you, Alice."

Alice pushes back hard against me. "Ask me nicely."

"Fuck, Alice, may I come? Please?"

"Yes, you may, lout."

I want to fucking wait for her so the second I feel her tighten around me I release inside her. Considering the circumstances, I behave and don't let a single swear word leave my filthy fucking mouth. Which is actually more difficult than trying not to come. Instead, I give her harsh deep moans, trying my best to push against her thrusts.

"Yes, yes, yes," she cries, deepening her movements.

That's my girl! Take that dick! My eyes drop, watching my arousal everywhere. Shit! I moan once more when she moves away from me. What a fucking mess, but I can't do anything except let it drip on the floor. I wait on my fucking knees like this for several minutes while she's doing whatever the fuck it is she's doing by the bed. "Seriously? What the fuck are you doing over there?"

"Oh, my apologies. Would you have rather used your mouth to clean your arousal from me? That's what I thought. Be grateful."

Dammit. Damn her. "Yes, Alice."

She runs her knuckles down my cheek. "Are you sore?"

I shake my head no. "But will you take this rope off now?" Thankfully it doesn't take her as long to get the rope off as it did to restrain me. Alright, maybe I am sore. Well, more like stiff. And not the good kinda stiff either.

Alice massages my shoulder for me when she catches me starting to roll it.

"Thank you."

She touches her lips to my temple. "I love you."

"I love you, too, even though you're fucking mean."

"Judging by the amount of you I cleaned from me, you enjoyed it."

"Fuck me. Who are you and what have you done with my Alice?!"

Alice starts to coil the rope around a hanger in our closet as her lip tugs upward. "Remember when you asked if I read books about intercourse?"

"Yeah."

"I read one where this woman kept a diary of a bunch of sexual encounters she had like this with her husband. She called them scenes. This was one of them."

"No shit? Fuck. I gotta start reading more often!"

"There are a few more things in the book that I'd like to explore."

"Like anal?"

"Yes, we should get a strap on."

"Wait, what? I don't want you to fuck me in the ass."

"In the book, they called it pegging. She would peg her husband with-"

"No, and fucking no. What else was in that book?"

"Are you aware of Gates of Hell?"

"Why would I want to fucking try something called the gates of hell? That sounds miserable."

"It's a male chastity belt that has these rings that go over your-"

"Abso-fucking-lute-the-fuckly fucking not. No. Hell fucking no. No more fucking books for you."

"I think in time you'll grow to like it."

She's probably right, but I won't dare tell her that. Before she's putting anything up my ass, I'm fucking hers first. "Fuck, now I'm all fucking worked up again."

"Three times? I'm impressed."

"I haven't been this fucking hard since like two days ago."

Alice starts to laugh.

"Look, this probably sounds sappy as fuck, but I really enjoyed tonight. Even before we fucked. Your laugh, and how playful you were. God, you're fucking beautiful, Alice. I want you to know you mean so fucking much to me. That ain't the liquor talking. Shit, I sobered up once I had to start mouth fucking heels."

"Yes, you were a very good lout for me."

"God, that's fucking hot. Your dominant side gets my cock so fucking hard."

"Being submissive to me in the bedroom comes as no surprise. All day you order others around. This is an escape."

"Yes, order me around. I'll be your submissive fuck."

"I know you will."

* * *

**A/N** **I wrote this fic called 'Non-NEGotiable' where Alice actually does peg Negan if you're interested or haven't read it.** **And, yes, that was a little nudge at RM from Beautiful Tragedy when Negan was talking to Bryan.** **No bacon was harmed in the making of this chapter.**


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N I'm not sure if anyone reads this story anymore but here's a small update. This chapter lays some of the events for the fight with the Syndicate. There are important easter eggs that will divulge information about the Syndicate in this chapter.**

* * *

I rub my wrists where the ropes Alice tied me up with last night have left impressions. Who knew I was such a submissive kinky fuck? But, fuckedy fuck fuck fuck, it gets my dick hard. I yawn before taking another sip of my coffee as I look at the gates of Sanctuary. Call me paranoid but, after that hurricane, I'm just waiting for another one to follow. I come outside every morning and look for anything suspicious. Animals. Clouds. People. I tilt my head to the side. "I'll be fucked. Haven't seen you around much."

Church seems nervous, fidgeting with his hands in front of him. "I'm still contributing."

"Relax, it was just an observation."

"Oh," he flushes.

"Where have you been running off to?"

Church is hesitant at first like he's going to be in trouble. "I met someone, but he lives in another community."

"Alexandria?"

"Yes and no. He wanders between there and the Hilltop. Well, yeah, I guess just Alexandria now."

"Why can't he come here? That's a long fucking way to walk."

"Because he told me he put a knife to your throat. Figured you probably didn't want to see him again."

"I knew you were smart." Now I'm trying to think of all the people who have put a knife to my throat.

"Anyway, I'm here for a few weeks now. Cosworth needed some help with this project he's working on."

"AC? Because the motherfuckers who do that will never have to work for points again."

"Challenge accepted."

Maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth though it'll be worth it. "Well… what is it?"

"I've been advised not to say anything. That way if it doesn't work out, no one is disappointed."

Fair enough and I need more coffee.

Sanctuary is rather still this morning but that's because Marshall took several of the other members out scouting for the Syndicate. Until the scalpel jockey fucks are dead, I don't see the point in spending any more time reinforcing Sanctuary. It still makes me unnerved not knowing if we killed all their men. Knowing one of them might have revealed our location and our days are numbered is always in the back of my mind. It also makes me cautious about even sending Marshall and the other's away.

I pay my respects to the people we've lost and I always find myself standing at the same grave for a longer time than the others. Charli's. "Hey, loser…" I'm usually interrupted by Bryan. He still visits her every day. I don't often get emotional with this shit but I don't like watching it. If he's having this much of a time, how is Alice dealing with it? Would she even tell me? Truthfully, I worry a lot about Alice. Her mental state especially after losing her hand. She trains some with Butcher but it always ends with that gaze in her eyes like she knows it's pointless.

I return to the parlor to find that gaze as she sits slumped on the couch. One boot on untied and the other beside her. She's too young to be this tired but she's dealt with more than anyone I have ever known.

"I don't know why I even bother. I'm confined within these walls. No sense in having attire on my feet." She angrily throws the boot at the wall.

I hate seeing her like this because this is not my Alice. Her spirit is dead. That's something that fucks me up when I'm away from her. That, god forbid, I come home after a run and find out she's taken her life. I don't think logically that she'd do it but it's something I constantly concern myself with. I don't see much point in living without her. As I watch her return to her slump, it gives me an idea.

Inside my end table, I pull out a book and hand it over to her. "I have been holding onto this for like two years now. Waiting and waiting for the right time to give it to you but I don't fucking know what that is. Here." I didn't want to present this to her now and like this of all ways. I'm just hoping that something,  **anything** , will fucking help.

Her eyes widen when she brings them up to mine. "You… you remember this conversation?"

"I do. I mean, I spent a lot of time looking for a book called the washing machine until I realized it was 'The Time Machine' but I found it.

"It's a first edition."

"I know that. I wish I didn't," I laugh.

"I gave up searching for it."

Kneeling in front of this woman, I rest my hand on her thigh. "You've been giving up on a lot of things, and truthfully," my eyes well up, "it fucking terrifies me, Alice. I think… what if you give up on us? I know your hand is gone, and I can't even begin to imagine how fucking hard that must be, but you need to snap out of this. If those men who abducted you and Charli took your hand from the very beginning, I know there's no way in hell you would have given up. So why give up now? Is it because you have everything you need? Because you're complacent now? Don't be. You of all people know how easily that can be stripped away in our world."

"I'm sorry I've been selfish," she cries.

"You're not a fucking liability because you lost your hand. Your strength is your intellect, and you still have that. If I could fuck that brain of yours I'd probably do it. And don't fucking tell me that's illogical."

Her lip tugs upward as a tiny giggle escapes her.

"I can send Marshall and Dwight out there all day but, at the end of the day, I know you're going to be the one to find the Syndicate. And you won't need your hand to do it. It's that sweet fucking intellect that's going to do it. Alice, let me be our strength and you be our intelligence. We will make one badass motherfucker. I don't need some woman that's my equal in strength. I need you, Numbers."

"Very well, Lout."

I retrieve her boot and put it on for her. It reminds me of an older couple where one isn't able to take care of themselves like they once could. I know with the way things are in our world Alice and I might not get that chance to grow old together. If we don't, I am just thankful for the time we have been given. "I love you."

"I love you, as well. Thank you for my gift." She hugs the book tighter.

"Sir?"

Alice doesn't have to leave but she always respects the times that I need to step up and lead people by dismissing herself.

I get up off the ground and have a seat in my chair. "Let me guess," I sigh. "Food."

"Yeah," Carson starts, pushing up his glasses, "and it's not just food. Here's inventory."

I rub my brow annoyed. Why do motherfuckers wait until the last second to show me this shit?

"Do you want me to schedule some runs?"

"Not until I can find out what the fuck is going on."

...

Which after two hours still isn't any better. I rub my eyes, then thumb through the color-coded maps that Alice made. Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Instead of looking for food, I need to-

Alice quietly shuts the parlor doors.

I scratch my head with the pencil, acknowledging her with a half ass smile before going back to my thought process. Instead of looking for food, I need to-

"I'd like to go lay down, please."

"In a minute. I really need to finish this." I hear some rustling and when I glance up, my lips part. The papers fall from my hand, scattering about.

She is completely undressed. "I'm lonely."

"Horny?"

"Lonely."

My pencil drops and rolls across the floor as I swallow the lump in my throat. I rather enjoy seeing that cop uniform of hers scattered about because it reminds me just how far we've come. Especially to know how confident she is despite the scars on her body.

"Make it go away, Negan," she moans.

I'm so fucking hard, I spring from the fly of my pants. Before I can unbutton them, her lips are wrapped around me. "Oh, shit," I cry, bracing the arms of the chair. "Holy fuck!" I throw my head back and shut my eyes. Don't come! Fuck! I move my head back, exhaling heavily. How fucking pathetic I can't last fifteen seconds from a fucking blowjob. Her mouth is fucking incredible and this thing she's doing with her tongue. You can do this, Negan.

She looks up through her long lashes.

No, I can't! Oh, fuck, oh, fuck! Get it the fuck together! I'm spared when she pops me from her mouth because I can't take one more second.

"I always do as you ask, so to reiterate. I am lonely. You will stop what you're doing and make me your only priority. Do you understand me, Negan?"

I am fucking speechless. Is this my Alice? I nod because I'm unable to form words.

"Follow me."

I follow mindlessly behind her because I am incapable of making decisions for myself it would seem.

Alice sits at the edge of the bed as she parts her legs. "Satisfy me, Lout."

This is a dream. Or a test. Or both. Fuck!

There's a knock on my bedroom door. "Sir?"

I knew it was too fucking good to be true.

"Negan, harder," Alice yells. "Oh, yes," she moans.

We both hear Carson trip twice as he runs from the parlor.

"I didn't think I could possibly be any more attracted to you than I am right now. Blowing me off under the table. Tying me up. Getting rid of him. Have I ever told you that-"

"Use your mouth for something else other than speaking."

Fuck yes, I pant.

* * *

The tip of my tongue pokes out from the corner of my mouth as I stay completely still. My finger squeezes the trigger of the paintball gun and it's a direct hit between the eyes of the walker. "You fucking see that shit, boys?" I thrust my hips against Connor because I win our little bet.

"That shot was nothing but luck. Fuck!" He strips down completely naked and sighs.

"That's it. Now march."

We all laugh so hard we're drooling as Connor approaches several of the Savior women and he's slapped for his indecency.

"You ever feel any guilt that while we're up here messing around, people are down there trying to rebuild the fence? Rebuild Sanctuary," Dwight comments.

"No." I mean, it's not entirely goofing off. I'm trying to figure out how to use this gun fuckery. Christ knows I need the fucking practice. I'd be a fool to believe that I'm taking down the Syndicate with just Lucille. No matter how many meat puppets we seem to kill, they just keep coming back. Hold the fucking phone. That's it!

"What is it? Negan?"

How come every time I get an idea someone thinks I'm in pain? Do I look that confused when I actually use my brain? Whatever. "How much of that chain link do we have?"

"Not much. That's one of the issues we're having rebuilding the fence."

"No. Fuck the fence. What if we used that corner over there and set up the rest to finish off a small square?"

"What are you trying to put in there?"

I fire another shot is fired at an undead.

"You really don't want them on the fence once we rebuild it all?"

"No. Make a small section to protect the front of Sanctuary and that's it. The leftover fencing we're going to build a holding pen then fill it."

"What for?"

"Because I fucking said so." And partially, because I don't know. I mean, I have an idea but I'm sure if I run it across my men it will sound fucking mental at this point. Speaking of, where are my men? I'm missing more than half. "Dwight, where is Kid?"

"She's with Kuzma, Dog, King, Dalton, and Butcher."

"Because that fucking tells me what I need to know." And why don't I know where my men are?!

"I mean, everyone is looking for the Syndicate if they're not here. What else do you want from us, Negan?"

"Why don't you go to Alexandria next time Church goes for your own safety. Fucking salami sandwich faced prick." Fuck!

* * *

My door flings open and I stand in the doorway with my chest puffed out. "I'm going to fuck you so hard-"

"Silence." Alice goes back to furiously scribbling.

I deflate with a sigh. "Alice, Alice, Alice!" I pull on her braid. "What's wrong? That's not your usual scowl."

"You're giving me a headache. Go to the other side of the room."

I plop down on the couch. "I can still annoy you from over here."

"I don't doubt that."

"Whatever, you fucking grump. How long you gonna be doing that nerd shit for?"

"Every time you interrupt me, the time starts over."

"I'm going to go shower. You wanna come?" I sigh annoyed when she doesn't get my joke. Or maybe she did and she just was ignoring me. Either way, I thought it was fucking funny.

...

Alice has her head cocked when I walk out of the bathroom. Damn, I guess I didn't really think this one through. I stand behind her until the words surface. "It, uh. It was Lucille's favorite painting. I took it from the Hilltop."

"I see."

"Are you mad?"

"No."

"Well… what's going through that overactive brain of yours?"

"Did you ever notice her face looks like it has a phallic symbol on it?"

I just bust out laughing. Here I thought my ass was going to be ripped up one side and down the other but she's just concerned with the dick on the painting. "Yeah, and she's more well-endowed than I am."

"I'm available now."

"I don't need you now. I fired one off in the shower."

"As if that would deter you from coming onto me. Anyway, I thought we might go for a walk."

"Like romantic shit?"

"No. What's romantic about a walk?"

"Uh," I shrug. "I don't really know. I just thought that was some fuckery that couples do."

"I don't understand. It's a walk, not a couples massage."

"Well, now that I've made it awkward, shall we?"

"I don't know if I want you to accompany me now."

"Fuck you," I laugh.

...

Christ, it's kinda chilly today. "Thanks for not giving me shit about that dick painting." Like every other woman would. "Negan, you take that down right now," I impersonate a female nag.

Alice returns a smile. "I've already told you where I stand on Lucille. I'm not jealous of her."

"I still keep track of about the time she died. It's coming up soon."

"I wish she didn't suffer such an egregious death at the hands of that coward Leon."

The awkwardness aside from earlier, there's still this tension between us. Mostly because I think Alice is trying to hide her depression from me.

"Alice," Cosworth calls. "Greetings."

"Greetings."

I roll my eyes at this stoic fuckery until I see that Church is joining us. Oh? Is this what they've been working on all these weeks?

"Alice, Church and I have spent a bit developing something for you. It's not exactly perfected, but… well, here." Cosworth hands over a wooden crate with protective packing inside.

I'm eager to see what it is but she's taking a substantial amount of time. Then I feel bad because it's only taking her this long from the lack of her… hand?! "It's a hand?"

"It's a bionic wrist and hand, yes," Cosworth says.

I can see the hope in her eyes for the first time and look away because goddammit. There's some shit in my eye or something. I wipe the corner and look back.

"If all goes as planned, this should give you mobility back. It has numerous joints controlled by several different motors..."

I don't pretend to understand what he says after that. The point is that she has her hand back, and not just her hand but her freedom. If these fuckers can do this, there is no telling the kind of success they're going to bring us in the next couple of years. It takes several hours for Cosworth and Church to fit it specifically to the needs of Alice. I try to pay attention but I'm just ready to see this thing in action.

There are small tests they do at first. Finger movements and being able to turn the hand back and forth.

"I don't comprehend how it knows what to do," Alice comments.

"That's one of the things that took us so long. Why don't you try something a little more involved?"

"Yeah, like jerk me off," I smirk.

The robotic hand clenches shut.

"Or not." I ain't letting that thing near my dick.

Alice slips a knife from her vest before taking a deep breath. She passes it off to the robotic hand and gets a feel for it because launching the knife across the courtyard. She's not as accurate by any means, but I'm certain with practice she'll get there. "I don't know what to say," she sobs softly.

Cosworth and her share an emotional hug, followed by Church.

I look away because, yeah, it fucking chokes me up, too. What a pussy.

Alice smiles, looking the robotic hand over as she watches all the poses it makes.

"Damn, that's pretty fucking badass. You're like that robot you were telling me about. The killer emotionless one."

"The T-1000," she giggles. "Though, the T-1000 didn't have an endoskeleton like the T-800. You see, the T-1000 was composed entirely of mimetic polyalloy, therefore it-"

"Alice, it's a fucking movie."

"I'm surprised you're so eager to wear it considering how anal you are about safety regulations and all that shit."

As she starts to roll her eyes skyward, they stop and widen.

"Oh, come on, Alice. That shit doesn't apply anymore." Her expression as she stares back at me is starting to freak me the fuck out. "What is it?" I wave my hand in front of her face. "Alice?"

"Negan," Kid shrills, tears streaming down her face as she runs in the gates.

My first reaction is that the damn dog is dead. Or some horrific fuckery I can't even imagine.

She doesn't make it to me before crashing to the ground.

By this time, my men gather around her.

"Kid," I call, bracing her small arm.

"It was the Syndicate. They got him," she sobs.

"Got who? Calm down! I can't understand you. Who did the Syndicate take?"

"Butcher!"

I shake my head side to side in disbelief. "What happened?"

"We were all in a group on our way back when they attacked us. Butcher and I got separated from King, Papa, Dog, and Dalton as we were trying to run. When I thought we were far enough, the Syndicate ambushed Butcher."

"Are the others dead? ...is Butcher dead?"

"I don't know. I just saw them take Butcher in a white truck." She chokes out more sobs into the ground. "My papa."

"Goddammit," I sneer. Men like these are not men that I can afford to lose this early on. "Kid, did they follow you back?"

"They didn't need to, Negan. They know where we are. That's why they didn't take me. Their leader said that they will start picking us off one by one."

Hysteria starts to fill the crowd as people all become experts all of the sudden with their point of view.

"Quiet," I order them.

"Negan." Alice steps forward through the crowd. The small robotic hand clenches closed. "I know where to find the Syndicate."

* * *

**A/N Does anyone want to guess where the Syndicate are at? Bragging rights for the one who guesses it, and a shout-out in the next chapter if you do. LOL! I know, worst contest ever.**


	38. Meat Puppets

**A/N I don't ever think the comic acknowledges where Sanctuary is at but mine is stationed in DC. This will better help you when you figure out that the Syndicate have been SEVEN miles away this entire time.**

* * *

The noise in the meeting room is deafening from all the conspiracies. Gossip and information that has already been misconstrued have everyone in an uproar.

Alice sets a map of Maryland on the meeting room table and rolls it outward.

My heart feels like it's going to leave my chest at any moment.

"Here," she points.

I narrow my eyes, still confused. "What's in Silver Spring?"

Alice's robotic hand closes and opens up again. "The FDA."

_I'm surprised you're so eager to wear it considering how anal you are about safety regulations and all that shit._

That's why she looked at me like she did. If what she's saying is true, the Syndicate have been in our backyard this entire time. The commotion starts up again and I have to calm everyone back down.

"My wife… she worked there," Hawkes speaks up.

"I visited mom a lot at work. I know the layout," Clara adds. "Not all of it, but I can draw a map of the parts inside that I remember."

What are the odds of that? The odds of any of this? I think this fight stems even more personal for people like Hawkes who lost his wife to the Syndicate. "Clara, you and Alice work on a map. Everyone else, listen the fuck up. We will divide into two groups. The first one is me, Marshall, Hawkes, and Lee. We will be the ones to go to the FDA and see if this is their headquarters. If we're not back in ten hours, that's when the second group will pack up and leave. Alice will lead this group from Sanctuary. The Syndicate have made it clear that they will take a life every single day. That means our time to prepare is over."

"Negan, ten hours isn't a lot of time to wait for you guys to get back. What if you get stranded? Or captured," Connor speaks up. "We're just supposed to fucking leave you guys?"

"Ten hours is all the time we have before it costs another one of our lives. They've already taken Butcher. Kuzma, Dog, King, and Dalton are all unaccounted for."

Kid holds onto Grimm's leg as Grimm sobs softly. "I'll protect you and the baby, mama," Kid whispers.

"I don't want to make the decision to leave people behind but our losses will be much greater if we don't act now. I know this is our home but Sanctuary won't stand another attack like the last one. We can rebuild. We will rebuild. Let's take these fucks down!"

...

We've abandoned our truck and now we're on foot. The city is crawling with undead but the further we get into it, the more spread out they are. I'm starting to become more and more confident that the Syndicate are here. Otherwise, why would everything be cleared out?

"I don't like this," Marshall speaks up. "What's to say we aren't being watched?"

I don't like it either, and something tells me he's right. I've felt like that for the last mile we've been walking. And just walking the last mile has taken over an hour. In the city, everything moves and there's not a lot of cover.

"Alice has to be right," Hawkes says. "You notice how all the roads to get here have been damaged in some way?"

"Wait," Marshall demands, grabbing Lee's arm before he walks right into a tripwire.

"Thank you." He brings his foot carefully back over it.

"We need to get off this main road." We're not that far from the large federal research signs which we end up taking refuge behind.

Marshall takes his binoculars from his bag. "Do we even need confirmation at this point?"

Hawkes is eager to take the binoculars.

"Well?"

"...it's them. There's at least a hundred in the courtyard. Negan, they're facing this way all in their line formation. Like that time they ambushed-"

When I hear the earth stir behind us, I close my eyes in defeat. It's over for us. I can only pray that Alice will lead our people to safety. Of course, the Syndicate knew we were coming. I get to my feet and turn around with a sigh.

"Damn. We've only been following you boys for the last half mile," Dalton says.

My eyes widen in relief. Thank fuck. King, Kuzma, and Dog are also with him. Everyone but Butcher. "We thought you guys were dead."

"We thought that, too. Would have been if we didn't see you guys earlier because none of us could remember how to get back to Sanctuary."

A white truck speeds past as we all crouch down. It's the newest victims the Syndicate have taken.

"Is it really them?" King gets the binoculars from Hawkes. "I don't believe my goddamn eyes. How did you find them?"

"Alice."

_I can send Marshall and Dwight out there all day but, at the end of the day, I know you're going to be the one to find the Syndicate._

Goddamn, I love that woman. "We need to get back because we have to start making the preparations immediately."

"Did Butcher… did he and Kid make it back?"

"Kid did but she thinks the Syndicate took Butcher," I tell King. "Or… he was killed."

King's eyes burn with hatred as he stares at the FDA building.

"No," I bark, snatching King's arm. "You gonna take on the entire army yourself? You're going to get yourself killed and then what? How does that help Butcher? How does that help us? Your anger is not helping anyone. You'll get your chance. We all will. Right now, you need to focus on getting your head fucking clear. Give me those goddamn things." I swipe the binoculars from King and focus on the new arrivals to see if I can see Butcher. That's strange. I recognize a child they have but I can't place her. I watch the rest of the sorry fucks trickle out. The Syndicate are so well organized, it actually makes me unnerved. It wasn't like my men where they stand around jerking each other off on days when we bring shit back. Every one of the Syndicate work in tandem. When one of the captured women gets out of line, she's decapitated. I just don't understand how people can have such disregard for life. Especially because before the outbreak we were all going about our lives. Now, these people have turned into monsters and there are so fucking many of them. I mean, how much koolaid did they drink?!

...

When we get back to Sanctuary, Rick and his men are in our courtyard. It's not a social call by any means. Some of them looked injured by burns and I know that the Syndicate have targeted them, too.

"Alexandria is gone," Rick tells me.

Damn, I always thought it was me that was going to take that son of a bitch down. I'm almost a little disappointed. Probably shouldn't show the amusement I have right now. "If it makes you feel any better, they've made it quite clear we're next. Probably should have found shelter someplace else."

"There is no place else. The Kingdom is gone from attacks. The Syndicate took one of my men to locate the Hilltop. I barely got Maggie and her group out alive."

There's the Rick Grimes I know. Taking credit for something he probably had nothing to do with but to order some other sorry fuck around that got killed in the process. "Where is Maggie, because I know she ain't here."

"They're safe. For now. Felt it probably wasn't a good idea to have us all in a central location in case, well…"

"Look, not that I don't love having you here, but this is my show, Rick. You had those Whisperer fucks. I have the Syndicate. I'm not going to have you and your people question me every step of the way. That includes Maggie or she can just step the fuck aside."

"Negan," Rick starts, "It's not that simple. The Syndicate have one of Maggie's daughters. Sophia."

That's who the kid was. Christ.

"The fucking hell," Carl shouts. "What are we waiting for!"

"Calm down," I referee. "We can't just go rushing the fuck in. What is fucking wrong with everyone? You don't fucking kill people you don't fucking know! Why am I the only one who constantly has to be that fucking voice of reason?"

"We're wasting time," Carl yells.

"Carl, Negan is right."

Goddamn, I wish I got that on fucking tape.

"Alright, Negan, what is your plan?"

Oh, yes! My plan. I rub my hands together excitedly. "Boys," I start, smirking at my pen of undead shitheads as everyone gathers around. "We're going to have a little fun. Here's what's going to happen. We ain't getting in the Syndicate's gates undetected and the moment we plow through them, we'll be captured. We're going to use the dead as meat puppets. Fit them and the vehicles with explosives. Once the trucks drive through their gates, as the Syndicate guards move in on the truck we'll arm the explosives taking the front part of the building out and a significant amount of their men. Then the snipers can start picking off what members trickle out." Blank stares tell me this plan didn't go over too well. Hmm, maybe it sounded better in my head.

Andrea looks the most confused. "How are the roamers supposed to drive trucks?"

I roll my eyes annoyed. "Our smart fuckers are going to build some type of remote control to drive them. Right," I smirk at Cosworth.

"Uh…"

"Make it happen. Get Finn and Church to help you. And that Eugene fuck." Better keep Alice away from him. "The rest of you, it's time to start making explosives."

"Oh, fuck yes," Connor cheers.

"Not you. I don't trust you. You'll blow us the fuck away and we'll be worse off than we are now."

"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"You're going to be my undead whisperer when the time comes. Make sure they're nice and cozy in the trucks and fit them with the explosives."

"That sounds like bitch work. Fuck. Fine."

I snicker more amused than I should before getting to work myself.

...

"Test it out," I tell Cosworth.

"Oh, undead boy," Cosworth snickers.

"This is such bullshit," Connor gripes, shoving the undead in the truck.

Cosworth sighs. "I told you to put the helmets on them before you put them in the truck. That way they're not trying to bite you as you are securing their hands to the steering wheel."

"Give me that goddamn thing." Connor yanks it from Cosworth and comes down with the helmet harshly on the undead. "I told you," he mocks Cosworth.

"Hey," I snap. "You wanna go easy on that poor fuck? These things can't pass for human if you break their fucking neck."

"Think two trucks will be enough?"

"We don't really have a choice." It's a good thing we put these cow catchers on the fronts of the armored trucks.

After the undead's hands are taped to the steering wheel, it starts to flail to loosen its hands.

All of our attention turns to the front wheels. If all goes how it's supposed to, the undead won't be able to turn the front wheels with the steering wheel.

"Nail its feet down to the floor after you buckle it in."

"Hey, am I doing this or are you?" Connor starts with the first nail as he mutters to himself.

This plan seemed pretty farfetched once I shouted it off but now that it's coming together I'm pleased with myself. Well, and my men, of course. From outside of the truck, the undead pass for human because the dark motorcycle helmets hide how ugly they are.

"There." Connor shuts the door and backs away from the first truck.

The steering wheel isn't controlling the front wheels, so that's a good sign. However, does the truck actually drive? "Well?"

Cosworth looks over the controller. "It's not responding."

Goddammit.

The sighs in the courtyard are unanimous. If we don't have these meat puppets, we've already lost.

"Maybe the frequencies are messed up since there is a controller for each truck." Cosworth takes the other one from Church and tries.

**Nothing.**

I don't really know what to do at this point. What to say. There are no backup plans. We can't run. Not with all the losses that we've taken.

"Let me try," Kid says, taking the controller from Cosworth. She looks it over for a second, then slams it on the ground.

"Kid, what the fuck!?"

"Look," Cosworth starts, picking up the controller. "It's working."

I stare back at the truck like a fish out of water. "Well, I'll be unfucked." Call it dumb luck, whatever. It fucking works. "How fast do you think the trucks will drive?"

"The trucks have all their functionality, it's just done from the controller and not from the inside." Cosworth lets me try.

It's too bad we have to blow these fuckers up. This is actually pretty fun.

"I don't believe your stupid plan worked." Carl folds his arms disappointed.

"Everyone, pack up what you can. We're moving out." My Saviors say their goodbyes to the ones that are left behind. Mostly young children, women, and the older residence. "What's that," I ask Kid.

"It's a first aid kit with a bunch of stuff in it so when we find Butcher we can treat his wounds."

I don't know how to tell her that a first aid kit isn't going to do fuck all if the Syndicate have him. Butcher is more than likely dead but if it keeps her head clear for the fight, let her think that she's going to save him with some bandages.

"Negan, I want to help," Joanna says.

"No, absolutely not."

"Why? Because I'm a woman?"

"Don't fucking start that shit with me. I said no and I fucking mean it. If something happens to us, I need you to lead these people to safety."

"You're so full of shit. If that were the case, you'd leave someone like Marshall or Dwight behind. You're leaving people here that can't fight. The weaker people. How great do you think our odds are if the Syndicate come for us after they kill all of you?"

"Joanna, I don't have time to argue with you! Do what I fucking say."

"I can't believe you. I trained all this time thinking you'd actually let me fight beside you and now I'm some fucking babysitter."

"Knock it off! You're not expendable but you're my least experienced fighter. That means doing shit we don't want to do."

Joanna watches Kid and Dog get into one of the transport vehicles.

"I can't believe this. Picked over a child and a mutt. Fuck you, Negan."

"Joanna, don't. If something happens to me, is this really how you want to end things?"

"What do you care?" She turns around and runs back inside.

"Fuck," I sneer. A part of me wants to go after her. To make things right because I live with enough guilt as it is. Maybe some things are just better left unsaid.

"Negan," Rachel calls. "I'm sorry."

"Christ, what did you do now?"

"No, I mean I'm sorry. For everything. For causing all that shit with you and Alice. For annoying you all those years. It's just that I love you. Very much. And I've done a lot of stupid shit because of it. I'm mature now. I can see how much grief it caused you both and I'm sorry."

I smirk at her and run my gloved hand down her cheek. "I got some really good hate fucking out of it when you pissed Alice off. I'd say we're even."

"Alright," she laughs. "Don't worry about Joanna. I'll talk to her. You've never let us down before. I know you'll come back safe."

At least that makes one of us. "Get inside and lock up."

"Yeah. See you soon."

I nod and watch the doors of Sanctuary shut one last time. "Saviors. Survivors," I begin, turning around and facing everyone. I'm not about to give some speech. Some pep talk about how we can band together and do this shit. People are going to die. Maybe even all of us. "Let's get this shit over with so the ones who are left can go back to fighting with each other. I liked my odds better with you fucks."

Rick rolls his eyes.

I laugh and climb in the truck. "You boys better close your eyes. If I'm going to die, I'm fucking Alice one last time."

Alice shares the same stoic mannerisms as Rick. "Insufferable..."

 **That**  I most certainly motherfucking am.

 

* * *

**A/N Thank you for the reviews! Keep them coming! :) Please? lol. Beautiful Tragedy update Friday for those of you who read that one. Happy Holidays, all! -217**


	39. The Syndicate War – 1 of 5

**A/N The Syndicate War chapters will be short chapters because there are heavy losses on both Rick and Negan's side and I felt that the characters lost should get their recognition.**

* * *

**The Saviors, the Syndicate, and the Survivors – 1 of 5**

 

* * *

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

_If you want peace, prepare for war._

* * *

I reach for Lucille out of instinct beside me in the truck but she's not there. Decided it was best if I left her behind. There's not really much she can do here. The gun in my hand fits awkward. This is the first time since Alice that I've given a lot of thought when it comes to Lucille. Please, just… give me strength one last time. Help me get through this. And let our losses be minimal. Do I even deserve to ask this of her? I couldn't even protect her from Leon.

_I love you, Negan._

I shake my head and rid the memory before climbing out of the truck. My biggest fear, at this given moment, is the Syndicate having some kind of explosives that disable our trucks before we can take out their gates and them. "Listen up. We watched them come in earlier and they followed a specific path." I illustrate it down on paper for Cosworth and Church to navigate through.

"What if this doesn't work," Rick asks.

"Then we're no fucking better off than we are now. Here." I hang a pair of binoculars off Rick's hook hand with a snicker.

"Hilarious."

"Let's get this shit show on with." I signal for Connor to start loading up the back of the truck with meat puppets that have the explosive vests on. This is the most ridiculous shit I have ever seen but I'll be goddamned if it fucking works.

"Ready," Connor says.

"On three," I tell them. "One, two, three!"

Cosworth sighs, slamming the control down on the ground. Church also follows his lead. "Alright, now," Cosworth signals.

We all stand here with baited fucking breath until our trucks attract the attention of the Syndicate.

" **Stand down**.  **You have thirty seconds to respond**." The member is standing on some type of guard tower with his intercom that seems to echo throughout the streets.

We're going to fucking respond alright. We haven't even been here thirty seconds and we're already running into issues. The commanding voice is riling up the surrounding undead. "Watch your backs," I tell them, taking out one of the undead with my knife.

"Negan," Rick says horrified. "They have Maggie."

I move my binoculars up to see her being pulled up onto the guard tower.

" **Your response is required. Exit the vehicles**." The member takes his knife and slits Maggie's throat from edge to edge.

"Maggie," Rick screams.

"No," I fight Rick, keeping him from running out and revealing our real position.

A frantic Carl grabs the binoculars but before I can take them from him he gets a glimpse. "Bastards," he cries.

"Let go, Negan," Rick growls. "Plans have changed!"

"Like hell they have!"

"What are we waiting for!?"

"For you to get a level fucking head! There are going to be losses. We know this. Don't let them be in vain. We're sticking to the plan. Not rushing in like black fucking Friday."

"Negan, ETA ten seconds," Cosworth informs me.

It's the longest ten seconds of my life. The cow catchers barrel through their front gates before the trucks come to a complete stop. The back hatch is dropped down and the undead pour out. Some of the members make the mistake of shooting at the undead, causing several explosions. "Go, go, go," I shout for Cosworth and Church to start driving them again.

The vehicles split up as they move to opposite sides of the front building and when the explosives are triggered on the bottom of the vehicles, the front of the FDA goes up in a mushroom cloud.

It's so intense, it knocks several of us on our asses.

"What the fuck," I cough, brushing myself off.

"I think we discovered where they keep their explosives."

What dumb fucking luck? "Snipers, now!" I don't fucking care if this gives our position away, I want as many as those motherfuckers dead as we can. "Open fire," I tell the others.

The snipers take out the members that come out of the main door. What's left of it anyway. The rest of us make our way to the FDA building. That's when I notice Carl is just standing there with an Alice expression. "Carl," I say, snapping my fingers.

"Maggie… she…"

I sure as shit ain't the one to be comforting him but pawpaw Grimes has already hobbled down the street. "Look, Carl, those fucks have Maggie's daughter."

"I know this!"

"Then fucking suck it up and get your ass in there. Maggie gave us a window. Use it."

Carl narrows his eye. "Those fuckers are going down."

We hold our own pretty well as we infiltrate what's left of the front of the building, then split off into several groups. I don't really know what the best strategy is, to be honest. Guess I figure if we're split up, it's less of a chance we'll all go down at once. Even with the countless times we've gone over Clara's map, I am so fucking backward. "We need to get it the fuck together and quit tripping over our dicks. This place could take days to go through." Now I wish I hadn't split everyone up. "Here's what we're going to do-"

"Shit," Kid panics as a dozen of the Syndicate surround us.

"You'll regret this," we're told.

The only thing I regret is letting Lucille sit this one out. Lucky for me, there are plenty of placeholders for now that I break bones with. I end up way too cocky and stabbed because of it. "Fuck," I grunt. It's not as bad as it could be but I don't trust that their knives don't have undead blood on them. My fight might very well be over before it starts. Along with Syndicate members, they've released undead. At one point, I almost attack Dwight because there is fucking chaos everywhere. What I don't realize is he's put himself between me and the Syndicate member that I didn't see. Dwight's machete decapitates the Syndicate but not before a machete is lodged into his right side.

Dwight hits the floor immediately.

"Don't take it out!"

"Negan... we both know it won't matter."

I look at this pitiful fuck and don't really know what to say. "Why the fuck did you step in front of me?"

"I didn't do it for you. I did it for Laura. You're our best chance of making sure that she's taken care of."

"Well, fuck you, too."

He laughs painfully.

Things between us have long passed beyond repair. I'm not going to say a bunch of shit because he's dying and I know it's the same for him. "I won't let you turn." It's the least I can do for this sorry fuck.

He nods as his tired body slumps back against the wall.

"Dwight," Alice panics, pressing her fingers to his wounds. "It's… unrepairable."

"I know." He moves her hand back. "It's alright. For the record, I always had a little crush on you."

I slug him in the shoulder.

"Negan," Alice scolds appalled. "Don't further his agony!"

"Kid, here." He slides over his crossbow. "I don't know if you can use it… but…"

It takes Kid all her might to pick it up with both hands. "Thank you," she snivels.

"Give this to Laura for me, Alice. It was my mother's." He places a pendant in her hand. "Tell her I love her."

"I will." Alice hugs him.

"You'll win. You have to-" Dwight's eyes settle in place as his grip on Alice slackens until his arms are at his side.

I slide my knife out from its holster and sink it into the side of his temple. For a brief moment, all the chaos around me is silenced except for the sound of the suction noise as my knife is pulled from his skull. I stop half way as my head droops. "He saved my life and I didn't even recognize it."

Alice rests the robotic gloved hand on my arm. "You carry too much guilt as it is. Negan, don't go down this path. Both of you made poor choices throughout your friendship. Leave it at that."

"I didn't fucking say anything to him. I just… let him die."

"Thank him by looking after Laura. If things were reversed it still would have happened the same way as they did."

"Is this a preview of what's to come?"

"As long as we exist, as human beings exist, this will always be a preview of what's to come."

"I'm tired, Alice. I… I'm fucking tired."

"As am I but I won't relinquish now."

Even as I rise, my knees pop. My hips ache. My back is tender.

"Negan, they're coming," Kid shouts, freeing her small knife from its holster as the shadows on the dark corridor become larger in size.

"Give me that goddamn stupid thing." I yank the crossbow from Kid's hands.

"Don't you want the arrows?" Kid holds them up to me.

_Dwight, make sure you get all your arrows dirty._

_Gotta be careful not to alter the weight. And they're called bolts._

"No. And they're called bolts." I like to think that, somewhere, Dwight is smiling at that. I've made a promise, and I'm going to keep it. I grit my teeth and the first sorry fuck that comes around the corner gets cracked right in the jaw with this fucking thing. There's something cathartic about disfiguring their faces with the weight from the crossbow. I have told my Saviors and the Survivors to keep their anger at bay. I have constantly reminded them that you don't kill people you don't know. I have tried to be logical in every way about this but, truth be told, sometimes you just have to kill motherfuckers.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Connor looks horrified from the pile of bodies that have collected from my rampage. "You okay?"

I drop the broken bloody crossbow to the tile as I smooth back my hair taking bone fragments and chunks of flesh with it that went flying from these scalpel jockey fucks. "I'm just getting started…"


	40. The Syndicate War – 2 of 5

**A/N** **Now that the Saviors and Survivors have infiltrated the FDA, the Syndicate members that stay inside at all times wear a plague doctor mask and attire. They'll explain more about their daily life in this chapter but if you want to Google plague doctor, that's how I envision them.**

**Side note: This chapter was extremely heartbreaking for me to write. I honestly didn't even edit this one because I couldn't go back and read it.**

**Warning: GRAPHIC violence.**

**I'm sorry.**

* * *

**The Saviors, the Syndicate, and the Survivors – 2 of 5  
**

* * *

_You may live to see man-made horrors beyond your comprehension. - Nikola Tesla_

* * *

It doesn't seem to matter how many of these fuckers we take down, they just keep coming. The screams become muffled until I don't hear anything. Lucille would have loved this. I'm numb. So fucking numb. As I round the corner, I see Marshall's group on their knees.

_Line them up._

My eyes stay glued to the group, even as I'm taken down by seven Syndicate. Waiting for the slaughter of my people that doesn't come. Instead, they're wrangling us up like cattle. I'd rather die than be some Syndicate guinea swine. But when your muscles seize up from being forcefully electrocuted, well, I guess I don't really have a choice but to hit the floor. I try to memorize every detail of the twists and turns as I'm drug to a holding cell. Hoping to get a layout in case I get that chance to make a run for it.

Left.

Right.

Right.

**Exsanguination Room.**

That sounds shitty as fuck. It doesn't even begin to describe the horror. With each one of my Saviors that are herded into the cell, I feel even more like a failure. Knowing that I didn't protect them. Especially Alice.

"Butcher," Dalton says surprised.

Butcher is slumped over in the corner. He looks like hell. Well, he always looked like hell with those fucking tattoos and black eyes but he looks like he's seen things indescribable. "Nice of you boys to join me." He lets out a groan when Alice hugs him.

"I apologize."

"Worth it," he smirks. "Where's King?"

I've been dreading questions like these. "We don't know. We're still missing a lot of our people. How are you holding up beside shitty?"

"I could go for a burger."

Butcher can joke all he wants but I know when a man is at his limit and he's only been here for a few days. What about some of the other members like Alice or Carl? Just thinking about someone torturing Alice makes me want to rip this entire goddamn place down by my hands. The reality is I can't. I was given that opportunity and I failed. There's just too fucking many of these fucks. I question every decision I made that got us here. Trying to analyze where I went wrong as a leader. These people trusted me and I led them right into a trap.

The heavy door swings open and in walks several members. However, they look nothing like what we've seen before. They're all… what the fuck are they wearing?! A heavy, waxed black fabric overcoat and gloves. Their mask has glass eye openings and a beak-shaped nose. I won't lie. It's intimidating as fuck. Maybe the better word is disturbing. What the fuck am I looking at? "Nice dick face," I scoff.

His hood is lowered and the mask is pulled from his face. "We make our masks by tanning the flesh of the fallen. This one belonged to Sarah Hawkes."

"Fuck you," Hawkes screams.

"Oh, was she special to you?" He morbidly pets the mask. "This was made from the skin of her back and rear. Still so soft. Like she was." He flings the mask inside the cell. "I'll give you a moment with her."

"You cocksucker," I start. "You fucking wait, motherfucker. I won't forget your face. I'm going to find you when this is all over and fucking skin you alive. Then I'll nail your flesh to my walls. What is wrong with you fucking people? You were people once!"

"Your rhetoric won't save you here."

"I'm coming, motherfucker."

"I won't hold my breath. Now. Shall we get started?"

"You won't get a single thing out of us. You might as well kill us."

The member retrieves his mask and stands in front of me. He's actually only an inch shorter. "You can be certain that you will perish. You all will."

"What is this fucking place? An extinguishing room," Connor asks.

"Exsanguination. This room is used to drain the blood from our test subjects but today we're going to use it as something else."

"As in?"

"Patience."

"We still have more people out there," I threaten. "We've taken out at least a few hundred of your men. You don't stand a chance."

He starts to laugh. "Only a few hundred?"

I swallow hard.

"We Syndicate are split into four ranks. Our grunts are our lowest rank. They are numbered from one to, right now, twelve hundred and fifty-six. They are the ones that retrieve the test subjects and scavenge our supplies."

Fuck. Twelve hundred of these fucks? I remember the one we tortured in our shed was only sixty-nine. What have I fucking done?

Hawkes asks what the other ranks are in an effort to stall whatever it is is in store for us.

"The second rank is our re-educators. They'll administer the torture."

"I thought you fuckers were trying to find a cure."

"Correct. The third rank is our Bloodletters. We are the ones searching for the cure by performing the practices on our test subjects. The re-educators are strictly for torturing purposes."

"And the last in your ranks?"

"The faithful eight. These are the highest tier within our ranks. But, they won't really matter to you because your time ends here. Bring the test subjects."

My eyes move towards the door when I see King and Kid being escorted in. "No," I scream, grabbing the bars.

One of the Syndicate grab the Bloodletter that's been speaking to us. "A child?"

He's shoved across the floor by the Bloodletter. "Take his hand for touching me."

Jesus Christ, not this shit.

When the Bloodletter sets his hand on Kid's head, I come unglued. "We Syndicate don't test on children for many reasons. They're weak, often sick, and too loud. Though we do have the occasional mishap where members get squeamish."

The Syndicate member who lost his hand slides up his mask and starts to throw up.

The Bloodletter pats him on the shoulder condescendingly. "Take him to be re-educated," he tells another member.

"No," the squeamish member pleads.

"Re-educated... you mean torture," I snarl.

"Yes. Continual. Which, after our demonstration, is what all of you have to look forward to. No re-education for you. That offer has long passed. We will torture you until your body fails. On average, that's about 21 days. Unless you start to consume each other, starvation will set in. Well, that's enough of that. I wouldn't want to spoil the fun. Start with this one."

"King," Butcher yells.

"It's alright," King tells him.

"No," the Bloodletter says, "it's not." He injects King with something, then King's throat is cut open. "The first thing we do is sever the vocal cords. This procedure alone often kills subjects but then we just have new abominations to do our testing with."

Butcher starts to kick the cell, then is joined by Dalton. Both are electrocuted.

We're informed that the torture will stop if someone becomes unconscious from electrocution.

All the disfigurement that Vasquez described in those pages, we watch them do to King.

Kid is threatened that if she doesn't stop her 'sniveling' she suffer the same fate rather than what is in store for her.

I can't bring myself to imagine what they're going to do on Kid. To know that people would torture a child as means to get back at a group is fucking sick. Knowing there's not a fucking thing that I can do but watch my men suffer. And suffer they do.

King's heavy eyes look at the Bloodletter. He lifts up what's left of his hand as his middle finger rises. Fuck you, he mouths before they take his life.

"Fuck you," we all shout.

The Bloodletter smirks with a laugh before his face goes serious and he yanks Kid to him. "Bring the abomination."

An undead is brought into the room, held by one of the Syndicate.

"Papa, help," Kid sobs.

We all rush to the bars. It wasn't that we didn't care for King. The last thing he would have wanted is our pity. It's that this is a fucking child! A child! The structure is too strong for us to kick over.

Kuzma drops to his knees as his head bows. His hands grip the metal bars.

I don't know what's worse. His cries or hers. Then hers turn into howling shrills as the undead bites her hand.

" **No** ," I bellow.

It's not just in my eyes. It's in every Savior. Feeling personally responsible for letting this happen to Kid.

Bryan comes in the door with Lee, guns raised. The two use what's left of their ammunition to take the members out.

With their arrival comes painful realization. There are just too many of these scalpel jockey fucks. Lee is shot in the back of the head. Bryan is shot twice in the back.

Before the last shot is fired at Bryan, Bryan takes out his machete and lops off Kid's arm right above the bite, then he hits the ground.

"Bryan," Kid cries.

I can't mentally process all the loss we've taken in the last few hours. I thought for sure the Bloodletter was going to kill Kid.

Instead, the gate is opened. Bryan is shoved inside with us before the Bloodletter stands at the entryway with Kid. She's thrown to the ground inside the cell and the gate is locked. "When she turns, either you'll kill the girl to save yourselves or let the girl take you apart. Either way, it makes no difference to the Syndicate." He turns to the other members. "Clean up these bodies, now," the Bloodletter orders, exiting the room.

Alice is immediately at Kid's side. "Bryan might have given her a chance, but we need to stop the bleeding."

All the men hand over their undershirts to try and create some type of bandages to stop the bleeding.

"Alice, I've got it. Go to Bryan," Cosworth tells her. "He doesn't have long."

"Thank you," Alice cries. She tucks her hand under the back of his head. "I'm so sorry."

"I wasn't fast enough."

"Don't, please," she begs.

"Next... to Charli, alright?"

Alice nods. "I promise." She takes his hand but it's too late. "Bryan?" She pulls down his eyelids. "Goodbye."

Bryan's death rattles me to my core. And I don't get fucking rattled. More so when I realize that it's only a matter of time until he becomes one of the undead.

"Don't we have anything," Alice panics.

These sick fucks threw Bryan and Kid in here knowing they would turn. Knowing we'd have to take their lives with our bare hands if we wanted to ensure our survival. "Fuck! Doesn't anyone have anything?!"

"Negan, Butcher, your belts," Alice says. Once she gets them, she shows Kuzma. He takes off his and hands it over. She makes some type of slipknot and then it's thrown through the cell at Lee's foot. After numerous attempts, she hooks it around his boot, then gives me the belt end to pull him near the cell.

We don't have much time. The Syndicate are quickly moving bodies out. I heave Lee my way.

"Just a little further," she struggles, reaching for his knife holster through the bars. "I've retrieved it!" Her hand covers Bryan's eyes as she thanks him once more before the knife goes into his temple.

"Throw the other one in with them," the Syndicate member orders. Lee is shoved into the cell and it's locked. Then the lights turn off and the main door is locked.

Alice covers Bryan's head with her vest. She turns her attention from Bryan to Kid. "Kid's first aid kit," she recollects. "Hurry, while there is still outside light."

We don't know much other than what Dalton can provide us.

"She brought a transfusion bag. Kid knew that Butcher would be in bad shape."

Here I thought that goddamn thing was a few Mickey Mouse bandaids. I look at the knife used to put down Bryan and contemplate grabbing it and ending Kid's life while she's unconscious. It would be a more humane thing to do to her than whatever 're-education' the Syndicate have planned for us. I watch my men gather around as they seem hopeful that she'll, somehow, pull through and I know that I can't take that from them. So we wait…

* * *

**A/N Don't hate me. I started another Negan fic called Illicit Intervention if you want to check it out. That makes it better, right?**


	41. The Syndicate War – 3 of 5

**A/N The beginning of this chapter is from everyone's point of view. There's a line break for each one until we're back at Negan's.**

* * *

**The Saviors, the Syndicate, and the Survivors – 3 of 5**

* * *

_The flesh is ripened - ready to gorge_

_Visceral contents empty on the floor_

* * *

Cosworth

Mom, would you be proud of the man I've become? For the record, I've saved Dad twice. Seriously though, I've really done great things the last few years. Things I don't know if I could have done without the outbreak. But now I sit here and wonder if there's anything I could have done to prevent this. Please… don't… don't let this be it.

* * *

Hawkes

I failed my wife. Now I've failed my son, and I'll have failed my daughter when she's alone. I can only pray that the world is kinder to her than it has been to me. Soon, I'll be with you, Sarah. I just wish it didn't have to be so bittersweet.

* * *

Vasquez

I didn't escape this hell to end up right back here. And I'll be goddamned if I'm going to watch them do anything remotely close to Alice like they did me. Nothing is more maddening than having anger that you know you can't do anything with because you'll wind up dead. So I'll just bide my time...

* * *

Butcher

I really want that fucking burger.

* * *

Church

I just don't understand how the world has fallen this far. I get that we killed their men, but this is just inhumane. Especially every time Alice or Kid is taken to be tortured. Are we really just waiting until our body's give?

* * *

Dalton

I've never actually been grateful for the demise of my family until now. To know that they'll never have to see anything this egregious. What they had to live through was enough. Daddy's coming home, babies.

* * *

Kid

Bunch of pussies that'd rather torture people than fight. Damn, this is so weird. It's like my hand is still there, but it's not. That's fine. I'll still kick their asses with one hand.

* * *

Kuzma

I watch Alice change Kid's makeshift bandage. I've lost my Yana, but I know that Yana will see me through this. She'll give me the strength to take care of Alice and Kid. And whether I make it out alive or not, they'll be safe.

* * *

Connor

Fuck, I miss Joanna's tits.

* * *

Alice

The torture the Syndicate bestows is nothing in comparison to the time I spent in that cell with the men who took my sister and me. My concern for the people I care for only amplifies as each one is returned and another one is pulled from the cell in their place. It shows me just how far I've come. A girl that has no interest in anyone other than her sister now weeps for people she holds dear to her.

* * *

Marshall

I might just kill the Syndicate myself if I don't get a cigarette soon. I'm too old for this. My weary eyes roam the cell. The consensus is defeat. Well, I ain't gonna end up a test subject. None of us are. We've all suffered too much for it to end here. "We're goin' home, and that's that."

* * *

Negan

I shake my head at Marshall. " **That's**  your big speech?"

"I said what I needed," he replies.

"Well," I start. "That's that then." A bright light fills the room as I squint my eyes.

"On your feet. Those that are sluggish or do not comply will be left behind as test subjects."

"Aren't we all just waiting to be test subjects," Butcher scoffs.

"Do what they say," I tell my men. I'm not losing anyone now because people want to be smart asses. Though I'm worried about some of us being too sluggish and left behind after two days of continual torture. I take Alice's hand because I'm not sure if this is going to be the last time I'll see her.

"You look like shit," Connor tells me as we're taken from the exsanguination room and herded down the hall.

"He's mine, stop looking at him," Alice warns.

It hurts to laugh, or I would, but my smile fades when I see the large steel white room we're taken to. I start to think about different scenarios. What if they make us fight to the death? What if this is just the killing floor? In fact, I think the killing floor is exactly what it is. You can see all the pressure washers and the drains in the floor for the blood. Fuck, I seriously don't know how much more any of us can take.

"Shoulder to shoulder, toes butted up against the wooden beam in the floor," we're told. "Anyone that gets out of line will perish."

"No one try anything," I tell my men. I fucking mean it. We don't need any goddamn heroes that think they're going to take on the Syndicate themselves. My attention is turned to double metal doors that open and Rick's group is put on the other side. Oh for fuck's sake. "Nice of you to join us, Prick. And by nice, I mean way to go and fuck shit up." His group is in the same condition as mine which means they've probably had his group for a while now too. I lose my smug grin when I see what they've done to Carl. "What is fucking wrong with you peopl-" I'm struck in the mouth so hard, I think I've cracked a tooth. Fuck!

"Silence, or we'll take your vocal cords as education for the others."

I'm not one to puss out, but at the same time, these fucks have been pretty true to their word and if I have any chance of saving Alice and my men, it's not going to be with a gaping hole in my throat.

"Fuck you," Seth says.

"No," I scream as he charges for one of the Bloodletters.

It causes one of Rick's men to do the same.

Seth nor the other man even get close to the Bloodletter before they are both shot and killed.

Dumb son of a bitch! The commotion has me so fucking fearful for Alice. What did Seth really hope to accomplish other than putting us all in danger?

The Bloodletter gathers his composure before his mask is removed. "You were told not to move. Now all of you will be corrected for the actions of these men. On your knees," he instructs. "Start nailing their hands to the wooden beam. Finger by finger. If they don't have fingers, use their arms."

I'm at the end of the line watching as they start with Marshall. The vexation I have right now for Seth and that other fuck can't be measured. This unnecessary suffering because of idiocy.

I don't care how badass you are, when nails are being driven into your flesh, you can't do anything but scream. Scream as it breaks your bones. Something tells me the nails aren't even to hold us in place. It's more to put us in our place. Marshall's howls are horrifying as we witness what is soon coming our way.

"Cease your actions."

All of the Bloodletters take a knee when a man cloaked in black interrupts.

The man is wearing that same creepy fucking mask.

"One," the Syndicate say in unison.

One as in number one of the faithful eight.

Now from fucking torture story time, I remember clearly being told that the faithful eight won't matter because we'd be killed before then.

"I have something more efficient in mind," One starts. "I want the leaders of both groups."

I don't hesitate to stand.

Rick, with the help of Andrea, follows.

"Fasten them both to a chair, then the suffering will begin."

Jesus Christ. They're going to make me watch the death of every person I care for before fuck only knows what waits for me.

* * *

**A/N In the next chapter I reveal the leader of the Syndicate and it's a bombshell. I'll have another update soon! Stigmatic will come to a close June 21st on its three year mark.**


	42. The Syndicate War – 4 of 5

**The Saviors, the Syndicate, and the Survivors – 4 of 5**

* * *

One confirms my thoughts. He's going to make Rick and me watch the deaths of everyone, then we'll be tortured until we die. "We Syndicate not without reason."

That's fucking news to me.

Rick and I are both hooked up to some type of… fuck I think it's a lie detector? The fuck are they going to get out of me that they don't already know?

My men go on the left side of the room and Rick's on the other.

One of the Lieutenants in the Syndicate put a gun to a random member in Rick's group.

"Vincent," a woman cries.

"Stop this," Rick demands.

The Syndicate member looks at the polygraph by Rick then back at the Lieutenant as he turns his hand back and forth. That's when a gun is turned on Andrea.

"No," Rick begs.

The Syndicate member gives the Lieutenant a thumbs up.

"Wife," the Lieutenant says, shoving Andrea over by Rick.

Christ. They're using the polygraphs to determine the members of our group that are the most important to us by our physiological indices on the machine. I try to learn from Rick. Try to slow my heartbeat and breathing, but when it's my turn and that gun is pointed at Alice, I can't keep it together.

"Wife."

Alice is shoved next to Kid from earlier when the Syndicate mistook Kid for my child.

As if it's not horrific enough for them to be inside my head, it puts a worth on every one of my men's head as the Syndicate line my men up from Alice who gets the biggest reaction from the polygraph, to a man at the end of the line I don't even know the name of.

"Now," One starts, "we are very well aware that this isn't your entire group. While this group is tortured and killed, a truck of grunts are locating the rest of your men. They will be killed once the grunts arrive at your facility."

"No," Hawkes and Connor shout.

"Papa, Mama is there," Kid cries.

Oh, Christ. What have I fucking done?! My eyes fall closed as I gather my composure. "They're miles away from Sanctuary. You're wasting your fucking time!" I have to believe that. Not only for my men but for my own sanity that I have not fucking failed every person in my life. All the women and children I left who are too weak to fight and most have nothing to do with this war. I suddenly feel even more guilt about the things I did to Glenn. I turn and look over at Rick. "I'm sorry," I tell him.

"Silence," One demands.

"I'm sorry for Glenn. For Holly. For all the others that I hurt and or killed. For not seeing things your way before I started that fucking war with your men because I was too stubborn." I'm struck in the mouth, but it doesn't stop me from speaking. "If I somehow make it out of this and you don't, I will make sure that I protect more than just my own. We're all people, trying to survive fucks like this, and I'm sorry that I didn't see that sooner."

Rick turns to me without his normal disgust. It's the first time he's looked at me as a man and not a monster. He nods.

I wouldn't expect anything less from the stoic fuck. And I know that he'll do the same for my men.

"I was stubborn, too," Rick admits.

Both of our attentions are turned to One when he takes Carl by the back of his jacket. "Enough!" One takes out his knife and forces Carl to the ground.

Fuck! He's going to take Carl's other eye!

Rick is overcome with emotion as one would be when their child is in harm's way. But what I don't expect is for Rick to actually break free. I can't believe the old man had it in him. And he gives it his all.

I kick one of the men who come up behind Rick just to try and give him some kind of fighting chance, but I know he's on borrowed time.

Rick swipes a gun and fires it, killing One. "I love you, both," Rick tells Andrea and Carl before he's shot several times over.

The fucker signed his death warrant leaving that chair. On one hand, it was foolish. But on the other, can I really say I won't do the same when it's time for Alice? As I watch Rick hit the concrete, the dread overwhelms me because I don't know what the fuck I can do to save these people. If I fight back, I'll assure my demise. I know that I have so much more left to give. That we all have left to give.

"Continue with the executions!"

"Wait," a voice commands.

All of the Syndicate members get to one knee, dropping their heads at what they chant to be their leader.

My eyes move up as he draws in closer.

Their leader starts to bellow out the sickest laugh.

My face pales when our eyes lock. The years have not been kind to him, but I will never forget the look of the man who took everything from me as a teenager. "Leon…"

Leon shakes his head down at me. "You are one dumb son of a bitch, but you always were."

I'm a teenager again. Watching him cause my mother's death. Watching what he did to Lucille. I'm helpless and tied to a chair in both my memories and now.

Leon snaps his fingers and points to Alice.

"No, you can't!"

His fingers snake around her arm. "Maybe we'll take a trip down memory lane." His perverted grin is turned to Alice.

Tears give down my cheeks knowing what this bastard is going to do to her. Because of me. "No," I beg, dropping my head. I know that once I watch the murders of my men, Leon will do to Alice what he did to Lucille and make me watch. Only this time, it won't stop because he won't kill Alice at first. He'll make me watch it over and over. Just like what Vic wanted to do to her. Then my sorrow turns off entirely because it didn't do fuck all the first time for me.

My blood boils.

My teeth grit together.

My right eye begins to twitch.

My veins surface.

The needle on the polygraph starts to jump from the top of the page down to the bottom as it becomes this solid bold line rapidly filling up the paper.

I stare back at this heinous excuse for a human being. I am  **the**  fucking alpha. Not him. I will not  **allow**  this. "Fuck you." I make sure his eyes are locked on mine from those words. "I'm coming for you, motherfucker…" It's not a threat. It is very much the reality.

Leon gets right in my face. "Save this one for last. Let him watch all the people he loves die knowing he didn't protect them.  **Again**."


End file.
